Still don't own these people. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if they perhaps own me......oh well.
Picard: (Emerging from his ready room with Phantomess hot on his heels) As it appears we don't have much choice in the matter I suggest that everyone cooperate with this author for the duration of her fic. You are to do anything--within reason--that she may require of you. (sighs and returns to the command chair, determined to try and ignore this whole mess as much as possible, at least until another solution can be found)
Phantomess: (grins brightly as the rest of the bridge crew started to look quite jumpy.) This is going to be fun.
Worf: Captain, I must protest this course of action!
Yar: I agree. We can't just hand the ship and her crew over to this person.
Picard: I am more than willing to entertain other suggestions.
Riker: We could self-destruct the ship, sir. At least then she wouldn't have the Enterprise.
Worf: I agree, sir. Death before dishonour.
Phantomess: (rolls her eyes) If I'd been interested in the ship you guys wouldn't be here! Besides, the auto-destruct is offline.
Data: (checking his console) She is correct. She has somewhow disabled the auto-destruct programme.
Lore: That's it! I've had enough of this! If you guys are just going to sit around while she screws with your lives, you do that! But, me....I'm going to take her apart! (stomps towards Phantomess, obviously intending to make good on his threat in as messy a manner as possible)
Phantomess: I wouldn't if I were you.
Data: (gets up and tries to restrain his brother. He isn't exactly thrilled by the thought of the Author controlling everything, but "fundamental respect for all life" yadda yadda) This is not the answer, Brother.
Lore: It is for me!
Phantomess: (grinning widely) Go ahead, Data. Let him go. Let him try something.
(Data shrugs and lets go of Lore, who takes a flying leap at Phantomess, passes straght through her and crashes headfirst into a bulkhead)
Phantomess: Told ya so!
Lore: (gets up, grumbling) I don't know how you did that...but I'm going to find a way to pay you back for that.
Q: Oh, enough of this pathetic squabbling! I'll handle this! (strides up to Phantomess looking very smug and Q-like) Now, I can understand the entertainment of trifling with these petty bipedal lifeforms, really I can. But, you cannot simply drag a Q into your little mess.
Phantomess: (unimpressed) You stay. The end. Any more questions?
Q: Why you wretched little brat! (tries to turn her into something slimey and unpleasant, but it backfires and he turns himself into a gooey slimey critter) I hate it when this happens! (zaps self back to normal)
Phantomess: Any other takers? (looks around) No? Good. Then we can begin. Allow me to fetch my co-author.
Riker: Co-author??
Phantomess: Mm-hm. She's my best friend and I never go anywhere without her. HEY! PAPI!
Papi: (appears in a nifty puff of smoke, in a dress reminiscent of 19th cent. Earth) Hiya duckie!
Phantomess: Hon...You forgot to change again.
Papi: I did? Damn. (zaps herself into a fancy dress like something Troi's mom would wear) There we go.
Phantomess: Working on another Jekkie fic?
Papi: You know it! (grin)
Picard: The agreement did not include any of your little friends, Phantomess!
Phantomess: (whips out her Literary Liscence and shoves it in Picard's face) Read it and weep. I'm an author, this fic is mine, I can invite whomever I like.
Papi: (leaps into Picard's arms and gives him a big hug, which perturbs him to no end) Hiya snookie!
Picard: Get off of me.
Papi: But I like it here, snookie! (Picard sighs and looks like he'd REALLY love to put a phaser blast through the two Authors if he thought he could get away with it)
Phantomess: You can torment him later, hon. Right now we have a fic to write.
Papi: But I LIKE picking on Picard.
Q: (smirks) See, Jean-Luc? It isn't JUST me!
Phantomess: Why don't you bug Lore for a while? He's been asking for it.
Papi: Yay! (runs over and jumps on Lore) Hiya!
Lore: (trying to pry Papi off his lap) Off! OFF!
Phantomess: Comfy sweetie?
Papi: Yup. (snuggles Lore who looks like he's going to toss his circuts)
Phantomess: Fabulous (runs over and curls up happily on Data's lap) Ok. now we can start off the fic.
Data: (looks highly uncomfortable) Why do you feel you must sit on me?
Phantomess: 'Cause you're cute and comfy! (grins)
Data: But why does this necessitate sitting on me?
Phantomess: Because I felt like it!
Data: That is a most illogical answer.
Phantomess: Don't turn into a vulcan on me, Data.
Papi: (still cuddling Lore) So how are we gonna start this fic?
Phantomess: Q of course.
Q: Moi? Oh no. I'm not going to be part of this mess.
Papi: Oh yes you are!
Picard: Enough! (stands up, stomps off the bridge and heads for 10 Forward to speak to Guinan about the mess)
Phantomess: What's his problem?
Q: He never did have a sense of humour.....
Papi: Well with Picard gone it's pointless to play with Q.
Phantomess: Let's bug Riker!
Papi: YEAH!
Riker: Now wait just a minute!
Papi: (changes Riker into a marionette for the hell of it) hehehe. Now dance, prettyboy! (makes him dance around like Britney Spears)
Phantomess: Let us not stoop to the absurd, dear.
Papi: Oh fine. (Riker starts doing disco)
Phantomess: Duckie, as entertaining as this is, it doesn't really have a lot to do with Star Trek, does it?
Papi: Your point?
Phantomess: It's a Trek fic.
Papi: Oh. Gotcha. (changes Riker back to normal) Better?
Phantomess: Much. Now, let's see....we need space. (the viewscreen clears to give a view of normal space) and we already have our protagonists, so now we need a problem.
Papi: Warp core breach?
Phantomess: Nah, let's be nice to Geordi.
Papi: Um, Romulans?
Phantomess: Remember what happened last time we brought Romulans into things?
Papi: Oh yeah. Sorry.
(Everyone looks worried.)
(meanwhile, down in Ten Forward.)
Picard: (Stalking into the bar in a foul mood) Incomprehensible!
Guinan: Would this have something to do with Q? I noticed he was aboard.
Picard: It's worse than that. There are two Authors on the bridge.
Guinan: Now that is a problem.
Picard: And they won't go away!
Guinan: That's a big problem. Have you asked them to leave?
Picard: Of course I have, Guinan. I've tried to reason with them, I've threatened them, everything I could think of....
Guinan: Did you ask them nicely?
Picard: What?
Guinan: Did you ask them to leave nicely?
Picard: Well I....
Guinan: Did you say please?
Picard: No....
Guinan: Well, there you go. Authors are very random creatures, yes. But if you ask them to go nicely, they'll usually listen. They just want a little bit of respect.
Picard: So if I simply ask them to 'please go', they will?
Guinan: More than likely.
Picard: Thank you, Guinan. (heads back towards the bridge)
Guinan: (smiles) Anytime.
Picard: (Emerging from his ready room with Phantomess hot on his heels) As it appears we don't have much choice in the matter I suggest that everyone cooperate with this author for the duration of her fic. You are to do anything--within reason--that she may require of you. (sighs and returns to the command chair, determined to try and ignore this whole mess as much as possible, at least until another solution can be found)
Phantomess: (grins brightly as the rest of the bridge crew started to look quite jumpy.) This is going to be fun.
Worf: Captain, I must protest this course of action!
Yar: I agree. We can't just hand the ship and her crew over to this person.
Picard: I am more than willing to entertain other suggestions.
Riker: We could self-destruct the ship, sir. At least then she wouldn't have the Enterprise.
Worf: I agree, sir. Death before dishonour.
Phantomess: (rolls her eyes) If I'd been interested in the ship you guys wouldn't be here! Besides, the auto-destruct is offline.
Data: (checking his console) She is correct. She has somewhow disabled the auto-destruct programme.
Lore: That's it! I've had enough of this! If you guys are just going to sit around while she screws with your lives, you do that! But, me....I'm going to take her apart! (stomps towards Phantomess, obviously intending to make good on his threat in as messy a manner as possible)
Phantomess: I wouldn't if I were you.
Data: (gets up and tries to restrain his brother. He isn't exactly thrilled by the thought of the Author controlling everything, but "fundamental respect for all life" yadda yadda) This is not the answer, Brother.
Lore: It is for me!
Phantomess: (grinning widely) Go ahead, Data. Let him go. Let him try something.
(Data shrugs and lets go of Lore, who takes a flying leap at Phantomess, passes straght through her and crashes headfirst into a bulkhead)
Phantomess: Told ya so!
Lore: (gets up, grumbling) I don't know how you did that...but I'm going to find a way to pay you back for that.
Q: Oh, enough of this pathetic squabbling! I'll handle this! (strides up to Phantomess looking very smug and Q-like) Now, I can understand the entertainment of trifling with these petty bipedal lifeforms, really I can. But, you cannot simply drag a Q into your little mess.
Phantomess: (unimpressed) You stay. The end. Any more questions?
Q: Why you wretched little brat! (tries to turn her into something slimey and unpleasant, but it backfires and he turns himself into a gooey slimey critter) I hate it when this happens! (zaps self back to normal)
Phantomess: Any other takers? (looks around) No? Good. Then we can begin. Allow me to fetch my co-author.
Riker: Co-author??
Phantomess: Mm-hm. She's my best friend and I never go anywhere without her. HEY! PAPI!
Papi: (appears in a nifty puff of smoke, in a dress reminiscent of 19th cent. Earth) Hiya duckie!
Phantomess: Hon...You forgot to change again.
Papi: I did? Damn. (zaps herself into a fancy dress like something Troi's mom would wear) There we go.
Phantomess: Working on another Jekkie fic?
Papi: You know it! (grin)
Picard: The agreement did not include any of your little friends, Phantomess!
Phantomess: (whips out her Literary Liscence and shoves it in Picard's face) Read it and weep. I'm an author, this fic is mine, I can invite whomever I like.
Papi: (leaps into Picard's arms and gives him a big hug, which perturbs him to no end) Hiya snookie!
Picard: Get off of me.
Papi: But I like it here, snookie! (Picard sighs and looks like he'd REALLY love to put a phaser blast through the two Authors if he thought he could get away with it)
Phantomess: You can torment him later, hon. Right now we have a fic to write.
Papi: But I LIKE picking on Picard.
Q: (smirks) See, Jean-Luc? It isn't JUST me!
Phantomess: Why don't you bug Lore for a while? He's been asking for it.
Papi: Yay! (runs over and jumps on Lore) Hiya!
Lore: (trying to pry Papi off his lap) Off! OFF!
Phantomess: Comfy sweetie?
Papi: Yup. (snuggles Lore who looks like he's going to toss his circuts)
Phantomess: Fabulous (runs over and curls up happily on Data's lap) Ok. now we can start off the fic.
Data: (looks highly uncomfortable) Why do you feel you must sit on me?
Phantomess: 'Cause you're cute and comfy! (grins)
Data: But why does this necessitate sitting on me?
Phantomess: Because I felt like it!
Data: That is a most illogical answer.
Phantomess: Don't turn into a vulcan on me, Data.
Papi: (still cuddling Lore) So how are we gonna start this fic?
Phantomess: Q of course.
Q: Moi? Oh no. I'm not going to be part of this mess.
Papi: Oh yes you are!
Picard: Enough! (stands up, stomps off the bridge and heads for 10 Forward to speak to Guinan about the mess)
Phantomess: What's his problem?
Q: He never did have a sense of humour.....
Papi: Well with Picard gone it's pointless to play with Q.
Phantomess: Let's bug Riker!
Papi: YEAH!
Riker: Now wait just a minute!
Papi: (changes Riker into a marionette for the hell of it) hehehe. Now dance, prettyboy! (makes him dance around like Britney Spears)
Phantomess: Let us not stoop to the absurd, dear.
Papi: Oh fine. (Riker starts doing disco)
Phantomess: Duckie, as entertaining as this is, it doesn't really have a lot to do with Star Trek, does it?
Papi: Your point?
Phantomess: It's a Trek fic.
Papi: Oh. Gotcha. (changes Riker back to normal) Better?
Phantomess: Much. Now, let's see....we need space. (the viewscreen clears to give a view of normal space) and we already have our protagonists, so now we need a problem.
Papi: Warp core breach?
Phantomess: Nah, let's be nice to Geordi.
Papi: Um, Romulans?
Phantomess: Remember what happened last time we brought Romulans into things?
Papi: Oh yeah. Sorry.
(Everyone looks worried.)
(meanwhile, down in Ten Forward.)
Picard: (Stalking into the bar in a foul mood) Incomprehensible!
Guinan: Would this have something to do with Q? I noticed he was aboard.
Picard: It's worse than that. There are two Authors on the bridge.
Guinan: Now that is a problem.
Picard: And they won't go away!
Guinan: That's a big problem. Have you asked them to leave?
Picard: Of course I have, Guinan. I've tried to reason with them, I've threatened them, everything I could think of....
Guinan: Did you ask them nicely?
Picard: What?
Guinan: Did you ask them to leave nicely?
Picard: Well I....
Guinan: Did you say please?
Picard: No....
Guinan: Well, there you go. Authors are very random creatures, yes. But if you ask them to go nicely, they'll usually listen. They just want a little bit of respect.
Picard: So if I simply ask them to 'please go', they will?
Guinan: More than likely.
Picard: Thank you, Guinan. (heads back towards the bridge)
Guinan: (smiles) Anytime.