This has got to be the dumbest thing i have EVAR written! But! On a lighter note, I think its pretty damn funny... is that a bad thing?
Anyhoo! Its pretty random... and pointless...
To tell ya the truth, this fic is (was) supposed to be extremely serious, a total angst fic done eight times over...
Apparntly, I lack the ability to write something that serious to that extent... or at least not long enough for it to become a real fic without me breaking before hand... and going MAD!!ABSOLUTELY INSANE!
Yeah... so, you get... a stupid fic to read, but please dont let this little note turn you away from reading it... I think its rather entertaining once ya get into it.
Hehehehe. Ive noticed something lately while reviewing my other fics, I have yet to find a style I'm comfortable with, so far... I like this style the most, I hope you do too!
Yeah, okay, enough of the small talk.. on with da stuff ya need to know...
I (Aera) here by verify, that I do not own Yugioh! or any of the characters that appear in this fic (except Leann, the asylum dudes, and the poor molested male nurse named Derek... (bad Kaiba! *scolds Kaiba)
All the characters are somewhat or mostly OOC. (it wouldnt be funny if they were dead on on being in character... hehehe)
Yeah, I wrote more than what I'm posting at the moment, I just wanna see if you guys like the stupidity, plus I have to write more to actually consider it a chapter.
Well, 'nough said.. on with the stupity! Er... I mean.. Fic, yeah...
Kaiba aka "Mr. Fruity" and the whole MESSED up Yugioh Gang –by Aera-chan
Kaiba lay back on the clean white sheets of the cold hospital bed.
'How did I get here?' Kaiba thought miserably. 'I was outside, waiting for something. Then I cant remember anything. But now I'm here. This is strange.'
Kaiba looked around at his surroundings. Everything was fuzzy, just a blur of dim lights and colors. Soft blinking accompanied by quiet bleeping sounds filled his senses. He could feel small tubes and needles poking into his pale flesh.
'What the hell happened to me?' Kaiba thought as he tried to remember what had taken place a few hours earlier.
~flashback of earlier~
"Mr. Kaiba, may I take your order sir?" a quiet waiter asked as he stood close to the young CEO of Kaiba Corporation.
"I'll just have a coffee for now. No cream, just black."
"Yes sir." the waiter said hobbling off to get his order.
Kaiba turned back to the older men who accompanied him at his table. "So, gentlemen. My new invention, the…"
~~~
The conversation carried on late into the night, finally it was over. Kaiba sighed as he waited outside in the dark night for his ride to arrive.
'Damn, where is he? Stupid man, I told him to be here 20 minutes ago!' Kaiba thought angrily.
Kaiba's stomach growled. 'I guess I should have eaten something. Oh well, I'll have something when I get home. Great, I forgot how much paperwork I have. This is peachy, I guess I can skip out on dinner for tonight, there's always breakfast. Or lunch. Man, I'm starting to feel a little dizzy, but business is business, I cant get behind just because of a little nausea.'
~end flashback~
'Well, that doesn't tell me much, that's all I can really remember though. After that its just black. Maybe I fainted or something, but then again, why are they keeping me here? I would be just fine at home, I don't need any hospital taking care of me! I'm FINE!'
Kaiba thumped the bed softly with his fists.
'Stupid people! Its all their faults! I'm leaving!'
Kaiba blinked a few times trying to clear his eyesight to no avail. 'That may be a setback, but no one keeps thee Seto Kaiba prisoner!'
Kaiba gripped the railing alongside the bed and tried to pull himself up into a sitting position. His stomach and chest burned and stung sharply.
He mumbled a few curses as he fell back panting.
'Evil fiends! They have poisoned me! Or have done something to my body. I cant move. It hurts so bad.'
He felt his chest tenderly. His eyes widened to the sizes of saucers.
'They took my.. my.. NOOOO!!! They got Frances! Evil demons. Damn them. Damn them to Hell!*'
Kaiba threw his arms around in fury and panic, knocking over a lamp, a box of tissues, his cell phone, and a few random books/magazines in the process.
'Fancie! Where is my Frances?!'
Suddenly a nurse ran in, having heard the crash.
"Mr. Kaiba, what's wrong? Are you alright?" She asked in a worried tone of voice.
"Evil demon woman, where is Frances?!" Kaiba shouted at the poor women as he pointed fiercely.
Sadly enough, he was pointing and shouting at the thing, that he had been looking and demanding for.
His white and red trench coat, dubbed "Frances", hung on a hook in the corner of the room.
"Damn you women, tell me!"
"Sir? I'm over here." She waved at him weakly, feeling a bit sorry for the poor young man who lay in bed.
Kaiba turned to stare at the other white and red blob that was smudged in his vision.
"Argh! How many of you are there? I demand an answer, fiend woman!" Kaiba yelled pointing in the general direction of the blob, hitting the table that sat next to him. He knocked over several more objects and banged his hand badly.
"This is a set up! Everyone's out to get me! Breathe Kaiba! Breathe!" Kaiba began yelling and mumbling random phrases to himself as he rocked from side to side on the bed.
'What a nut. Why do I _always_ get the loopy ones? Why me?' the nurse, dubbed Leann thought to herself rubbing her temples.
"Mr. Kaiba, please calm down." she said as she stepped up to him and gently shook his shoulder.
"Aliens, they're real, they're real, woman!" He screamed grabbing hold of the woman's collar, shaking her. "Can you see them? Can you see the…" Kaiba was suddenly quiet, his eyes big. The woman leaned forward to hear him.
"See what? Aliens?"
"No…" Kaiba's eyes got big and round. He whispered quietly. "…the dead people."
He pushed her back a step as he began to giggle insanely.
'Insane. Definitely insane.' Leann thought as she began to pick up the spilled objects. "You are insane, you know that." She said as she placed his cell phone on the table and reached for a "Better Home and Gardens" magazine.
"I'll have you know…" Kaiba began in a cocky voice. "I run a big ass company and am a BLT. I also am a… um, a guy with lots of money. And I have three big roary things that go roar and roar and are shiny."
Kaiba nodded his head in satisfaction. Leann rolled her eyes.
"Well, I am Leann, a part-time assistant nurse, I have a cat named Mr. Waggles, and go to school at a local community college."
Kaiba's eyes got big again. "Does your cat… have feet? Four of them?"
Leann eyes narrowed in confusion. "Um, yeah, why?"
Kaiba's eyes closed in happiness and contentment. "Feet are good. I have two feet. They are good. Good feet. My boyfriend has two feet. Two good feet."
"Oh, so you're into guys then?"
"Yeah, but my boyfriends not."
Leann's
blinked and narrowed her eyes again in confusion. "But he's your boyfriend,
shouldn't he… wait, are you like.. into drag? Does he think you're a girl?"
Kaiba's eyes opened sadly. "He has a girlfriend, I know. Or do I think?"
"Are you the girl?"
"No, I'm a boy, I'm sorry if you haven't noticed, I'm a guy, sorry. But he has a girl, her name is His Valentine. My name is Robert. I ate a candy dispenser this morning. I taste like a French fry. My dog has teeth, he bite me, he is my boyfriend. He dates a girl named Holiday Inn. He doesn't like me, but I want to kiss him."
Leann eyebrows raised in utter confusion. 'Must be the pain killers and the drugs he's on. Or at least I hope that's the case.'
"I eat buttons when I'm two, I eat crayons when I'm three. I stuck a glue stick up my nose when I'm seven. Patty told me to put it there. I did, she gave me a dollar. I bought an ice cream. Daddy told me I was "odd" and he had to take me to the emergency room to get it taken out. But he was laughing. And I laughed too. Mokuba was laughing too. I laughed most. The doctor laughed too, especially when I told him I got a dollar from Patty. Patty is his daughter." Kaiba rambled on and on, a drugged look playing across his features. He looked happily out the window, lost in a whimsical mist of memories.
Leann took this as an invitation to quietly sneak over, grab the unsuspecting "Frances" and a fold out chair, set the coat on it and quietly leave the room.
She stood outside the door way and listened. Kaiba continued to mumble about random memories and such to the coat.
"Yes, success!" Leann congratulated herself on her most recent victory as she strode down the hallway, receiving odd looks from fellow nurses and patients.
~~~
About an hour and a half later, Leann strode happily back into the room to check up on Mr. Fruitcake.
Said was sitting up in his bed, holding on to the poor trench coat as he screamed at it.
"Will you marry me or not?! Damnit! Tell me! Please Joey, I love you!"
'He obviously forgot it was me, and has now assumed its identity to be some one by the name of Joey.' She smiled to herself. 'I better not "interrupt" this "special" moment.'
She chuckled to herself mentally as she checked his blood pressure and refilled his water glass. He didn't even notice her, he was too engrossed in asking his coat to marry him.
"Joey, I love, cant you see? What do I have to do to make you believe me?" He leaned forward and tried to kiss the head, which didn't exist in the first place.
"Mr. Kaiba, sit down! That is not Joey Mr. Insane-o! That is your coat."
Kaiba sat back, his eyes still blurry. "Mrs. Demon Fiend! When did you get back?" Kaiba asked excitedly.
"More importantly, you need to be resting, and not moving around so much. You are ill, got it. Well, ill in more than one way, but still."
Kaiba laid down on his back sighing happily. "I'm going to marry Joey someday. I love him. He dates Motel6 remember?"
"Oh, sure, I remember now." She said in a sarcastic happy voice. 'What a moron.'
"Or was it Best Western? Oh well, he loves her, and I love him, he should love me though, I make good love." Kaiba said as he pointed happily to himself.
"Really now, I'm sure." Leann said sarcastically as she chucked a "Reader's Digest" at his brown lump of a head, his hair frizzy and messed.
"Oi! Why did you do that demon fiend? I thought you were my frien-… DEMON FIEND!" Kaiba began randomly yelling "Demon Fiend" as he rocked back and forth on his butt clutching his knees tightly.
"Quit doing that, you psycho! I just wanted you to read it, stupid!" Leann grabbed the magazine from his lap and found a better way to use a "Reader's Digest".
"Read it, damnit!! READ IT!!" She screamed as she beat him senseless with it.
"WAHH!! Mommy! She's hurting me! Wahhh!" Kaiba stopped rocking around like a loony and was busily trying to fend off her angry assaults.
She stopped as she saw that her work was complete, she had humbled the almighty Seto Kaiba into a whimpering mush on a hospital bed. 'Congratulations to Leann Wicks for her work in room 336. She has earned the Nobel Peace Prize for her services to all of mankind! Lets have a round of applause for LEANN!' She happily thought to herself.
"Well, my work her is done, off to the Batmobile!!" She soared out of the room, then poked her head back in as she chucked the blunt instrument she had used to torture the poor boy with, effectively hitting him square in the forehead when he looked up to see if she had gone.
"She-devil! Be gone Woman!" Kaiba cried as he tenderly massaged the space between his eyes.
Kaiba cried himself to sleep, crying about when Mokuba chucked his toy John Deere tractor into the river when he was eight.
"But its my tractor Mokuba, why are you so evil baby brother?" Kaiba mumbled as he fell into a deep sleep.
~~~~
On the other side of town, Yugi and the rest of the foursome sat in his room happily talking about who knows what, or perhaps the boys were being tortured with another one of Tea's friendship speeches, who knows, its completely possible, considering the pained looks and expressions the boys wore at the moment. Anyways, Grandpa happily sat behind the counter of the Kame Game Shop plotting something evil, which was entirely possible too, I mean, he's way too nice to not be plotting something, same goes for Yugi, but as I was saying, he sat there, or stood, actually he's sweeping, yeah, that's it, sweeping, when Mokuba popped inside.
"Well hello there Mokuba, what can I do for you today?" Grandpa said happily, an evil glint in his eyes!! Okay, so there wasn't one, but still, he's plotting I tell you!
"Hello Mr. Yugi's Grandpa, actually, I was looking for Yugi, is he around?" Mokuba asked as he leaned on a display of Duel Monster cards, slipping half the case into his pants!! Okay, so he didn't do that either, but still, Kaiba said he was evil so…
"Oh, he's upstairs, you can go inside if you'd like." Grandpa said as he pushed past the little munchkin and walked inside. "Yugi, Mokuba's here." He yelled up the stairs.
"Friends are always there for each other, every ti-"
"Wait a sec Tea, I think Grandpa's calling for me." Yugi said quietly as Tea glared at him for interrupting her infamous opening lines for her most famous and extremely long speeches.
The other boys happily mentally cheered and thanked Mokuba and Grandpa for saving them from the pain and torture they had been suffering previously. Apparently, Tea had been going into a friendship speech marathon, which had lasted, so far, for around 2 and a half hours now.
Joey was probably the happiest, he had had to go to the bathroom really bad ever since about an hour ago, but he didn't want to have to interrupt her for, as she would put it, "no good reason", she would most likely beat him senseless and leave him in a bloody mess, much to contradict her said "friendship" skills.
"Oh, that's okay Yugi, I'll wait till you get back." Tea said in a kind, yet very much strained voice, her left eye twitching rapidly, much to Joey and Tristan's horror. When she twitched like that, it usually meant pain. Lots of pain.
Tristan whimpered silently. Tea wheeled at him. "What was that Mr. Taylor? Is there something-" her left eye picked up speed. "-wrong?"
Tristan's voice choked in his throat. "N-no…nothings wrong, I swear."
"Good." Her eye began to return to normal speed, around 65 mph.
Joey, seeing his moment of escape followed Yugi as he bounded down the stairs, meeting up with the younger of the two Kaibas. "Hey Mokuba, what's up? Oi, what's wrong?" Yugi asked, ignoring the randomly inserted Japanese.
Joey came up behind Yugi, seeing Mokuba's depressed looking face also. "What's wrong, is Kaiba stuck in another one of his fancy-smancy games?" Joey asked with a hint of laughter in his voice.
Mokuba looked down, earning the concerned looks of the to elder boys. "Mokuba, wh-"
Before Yugi could ask again, they heard a crash from inside of Yugi's room.
"You stupid boy! There is nothing wrong with my speeches damnit!" Tea's voice screeched as another crash sounded followed by Tristan's quiet voice begging for mercy.
"Shut up! Just shut up and die!!" (A/N: Excel Saga Rocks!) More sounds of pain could be heard from the poor defenseless Tristan who Joey had left alone with that evil she-devil, heaven forbid.
"Oops, I forgot about Trist, dang. He's gonna hound me on this one." Joey sullenly thought out loud .
"Heh, what's going on guys?" Mokuba asked in a slightly frightened tone, okay okay, all out horrified tone.
"Tea was in the middle of one of her friendship speech marathons, you so wonderfully interrupted our torture and have saved us momentarily. But, unfortunately, Tristan was left in the line of fire and most likely said something to Tea's dissatisfaction, earning him pain and uncertain death." Yugi said, his eyes glazing over slightly remembering the horrible, painful, sickening, suicide-inducing speeches she gave, even his sappiness was no match to hers. It also didn't shield him much.
"Anyways, the reason I came here, was because…" Mokuba trailed off.
"No, Yugi will not marry you. And that's final." Joey said snickering.
"What?!" Yugi and Mokuba screamed in unison.
"Eh, sorry guys, you just looked so tense Mokuba, just trying to lighten your mood at Yugi's expense." Joey said meekly, laughing slightly.
"Oh, well that was very kind of y- wait. Hey!" Yugi started to punch Joey in the shoulder repeatedly, or Joey's forearm in his *cough cough* short *cough cough* case.
"Sorry Yug. So Mokuba, what's up?" Joey said, ignoring the light tapping on his arm, which wasn't hard really, he could barely feel it. Such a sad case Yugi was. Such a wimp. Yami on the other hand, he could probably kick Joey's ass, or just send him to the Shadow Realm if things weren't going the way he wanted them to, but that's not the point, the main point is that Mokuba has been trying to tell them for the last some many random length long paragraphs to go visit his bed ridden brother… wait, I just gave away the next few lines…dang… Quick! Create a diversion!
"Yugi-" Mokuba looked into Yugi's eyes, or at least he tried, Yugi was still attempting to break the skin on Joey's arm to no avail, well, that is until Mokuba started hitting him on the head with half a case of Duel Monster cards he had in his pants!! Okay, so he was actually using his fist, not the half a case of Duel Monster cards I swear he had stuffed in his pants! Anyways, said little boy continued to beat on Yugi as said beat on the poor blonde who was getting tired of the endless stupidity of his said friends. And they said he was less than coherent, shows them.
"Um, guys? Can we get to the main point?" Joey asked reaching total boredom.
"Okay, I give in, Mokuba's fist is beginning to hurt." Yugi said rubbing his head as Mokuba stopped hitting him.
'How sad, even a 12 year old can beat up Yugi. How truly sad.' Joey thought feeling sorry for the boy standing next to him.
"Anyways, Yugi…" Mokuba looked into Yugi's eyes this time, no interruptions. Or that is until some men in white lab coats came sprinting in.
"Where is the wild one?" the lead man asked Yugi's grandfather who was oh so suspiciously standing in the shadows of the kitchen, PLOTTING!! Or sweeping, whatever he does when he's most likely PLOTTING TO KILL!!
"The wild one? What do you mean?" Yugi's grandpa asked, most likely playing dumb, so that they wouldn't catch on to him and his EVIL PLOTTING WAYS!
"We received a call here stating that-"
"I KNOW NOTHING DAMNIT! I AM NOT PLOTTING TO KILL ANYONE OKAY?!" Grandpa screamed at the man. "NOTHING! YOU WILL GET NOTHING OUT OF ME!!"
The men seemed un-phased by the sudden outburst from the elderly man in front of them.
"Sir, we received a call about a gir-"
"NOTHING!" Grandpa grabbed his strategically placed dustpan and began to beat one of the men to his most likely and most untimely death. The other men still seemed to be oblivious as they began to question the other boys ignoring the shrieks of pain and agony that was derived out of their fellow officer dude man guy.
"I am not understanding you. I know nothing, I swear." Yugi said in a monotone brainwashed voice, his eyes white as glue or a furry polar bear cub, whichever you prefer.
Joey and Mokuba backed off a few feet from their newly possessed friend.
"Okay then. Do you boys-"
"Up here!" Tristan's voice sounded from upstairs. "She's in here!"
The men ran up the stairs finding a badly battered and beaten Tristan who was slumped against the door attempting to keep its contents in.
The men pushed by him and found, to their horror, a brown haired girl who sat in the dark corner rocking back and forth, blood splattered the walls. At her feet, lay a BODY! IT WAS…A BODY! Of… SOMEBODY! Okay, it was… I don't know, okay so there was no body, and she wasn't drinking its blood, big whoop-de-do. Anyways, the men pushed by Tristan, who was having a seizure at the moment, due to all of the vigorous emotional and physical trauma he had suffered due to the evil she-demon girl-fiend dubbed Tea Gardner.
They strapped her into a white strait jacket and then, just to be on the safe side, strapped her to a long board thing, along with chains and other useless charms and knickknacks that clung to it like a big charm bracelet.
They wheeled her out the door, just passing by Yugi's grandfather, who swore on his life that he was out in the garden, that they didn't even actually have, planting flowers NOT BURYING MULTIPLE BODIES, and that's why he had dirt on his clothes. He laughed nervously but dismissed the act, picked up his broom, and proceeded to murder a poor helpless dust bunny that was hiding fearfully under the sink.
Yugi's eyes were still white, but he began to shake like he was having a seizure also, in which he was, but who really cared. The men were busy trying to zap Tea with stun-guns, she had happened to break free and began to run around screaming "Space Monkeys come to me!" Joey and Mokuba were backed into a small corner where they shook in fear. Tristan was having his own seizures to deal with, and Grandpa was busily murdering a ladybug he had found hiding on the window sill.
So, Yugi just… twitched.
And twitched.
To be continued…
Mwhahahahaha! Poor poor Yugi! Actually, poor EVERYONE WHO HAS SUFFERED MY WRATH!! *runs around in circles*
So…. What'd ya think eh? Dumb? Stupid? Really stupid? hehehehe I agree with all three! *is proud*
Well, if I get some good reviews… I'll post some more dumbness for you guys to suffer with. hehehehe *cackles*
*runs off to get hit by a truck* *a parked truck that is*
One more question… what is Mr. Mutou up to? hehehe
Ja mata!
R/R Please!! (its good for your health… I swear!)