Chapter 3: Figaro
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
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*Locke and Terra walk up to the guard*
Guard: Wait!
Terra: I'll 'handle' him...
Locke: It's all right, these guys know me.
Guard: Umm, no one knows who you are.
Other Guards: Yeah that's right.
Locke: SILENCE FUCK *decapitates guard*
*They enter the castle and march to the back to see the king*
Locke: *Talks to king*
King: You mean, THIS young woman...?! *Gets an excited look on his face*
*The king goes up to Terra, looks down at her then goes back to Locke*
Terra: The fuck? DID YOU JUST CHECK ME OUT?????
King: Oh...sorry! *Turns around* How rude of me to turn my back to a lady! *Starts drooling*
Voice: The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire, AND HE USES A CHAINSAW; KICK-ASS!!!
King: *Names* I am Edgar, King of Figaro, master of the chainsaws!
Locke: Surprised someone like me knows someone who uses a chainsaw.
*For no apparent reason Edgar and Locke turn to each other and nod like crazy*
Locke: Talk to you later! *Winks*
Edgar: So you're an Imperial hooker! Great, the Empire are our homies! Please, relax while you're here. You can do that in MY suite!
Terra: Look, why are you helping me? Is it because of my...abilities?
Edgar: I'll give you 3 reasons: First of all your...ASSETS. Second...I'd like to see if you look good...ON ME!! And I guess third is your abilities *under his breath* in bed.
Edgar: Anyway look around the castle, then get some rest. You must be tired...BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RACING THROUGH MY MIND!!!
Terra: ...
*Terra explores the castle, opening chests right next to sellers who didn't give a shit. She then goes into the left tower*
Matron: Edgar HAD a twin brother. He was such a *ahem* good, boy...
*Flashback*
Youth: YO HOMIE, WAZZUP WITH DADDY, HES LIKE NOT IN DA HOUSE YA KNOW!
Edgar: Are you blind? Look how thin his face has become!
Youth: ?????? WAZZUP WIT YOU???
*Edgar walks away*
Youth: Homie?
*Edgar walks out the room*
Yourh Tears......?! HAHAHA EDGERS OLDER THAN ME AND HES STILL AN ICKLE CRYBABY!!!
Voice: What kind of dumbass trades the throne for freedom - THIS PRICK!
Terra: Sweet, I get to name him!
Matron: Seeing how you name him he'll probably be in your quest. Be wise!
Terra: Fine I'll leave it as default *names him Sabin*
Matron: Yes...His name is Sabin.
Terra: Duh!
Matron: Oh, he looked so like his father! When he ran away, he was a sweet little child. I wonder what he's like now?
Terra: I dunno, maybe DEAD!!!
*Terra goes to Edgar*
Edgar: Well? How do you like my castle?
King Edgar! Someone from the Empire to see you!
Edgar: Probably Kefka after his whore...
Terra: I'm right here you know!
*The scene changes to Kefka walking through the desert with two soldiers*
Kefka: Shit! Emperor Gestahl's frickin' orders!
Kefka: *Jumps up and down* Edgar you asshole! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere?
Soldier1: Maybe so he doesn't have many visitors?
Kefka: *Fire 3*
Soldier1: Ugh! *dies*
Kefka: Ahem...there's sand in my pants!
Soldier2: *Shudders, then takes it out of his pants* Yes, Sir! All set, Sir!
Kefka: Uwee he he. Idiots!
*Walks up a bit, and just so happens to be at the castle*
Guard: Sir Kefka!? What on earth do...
Kefka: Move it fucker
Guard: I'm supposed to protect this place, but I'll just let you through!
*Kefka enters*
Edgar: Hey I'm in control! *Moves around in a square* The fuck, I can't move in a circle!
*Goes over and talks to Locke*
Locke: ...
Edgar: Hello?
Locke: ... *under his breath* stay calm...
Edgar: The fuck? He doesn't notice me!
Locke: Your supposed to talk to Kefka *under his breath* calm...
Edgar: I don't want to talk to that clown...
Locke: YOU HAVE TO DO IT TO ADVANCE IN THE STORY!!!!!!
Edgar: Eeep! *Talks to Kefka*
Edgar: What brings Kefka, lowly ass-fucker to our ever so sexy palace?
Kefka: A girl that we don't give a shit about recently escaped from us. We couldn't give a shining shit about her. Where is she?
Edgar: Hmm...this wouldn't have anything to do with this "bitch" everyone's been whispering about, would it?
Kefka: Lies! She...merely stole something that we have failed to get rid of. Now where is she?
Edgar: Oh! That's a hard one. *Massages his dick* You see, there're more girls that have been in my bed than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all. That reminds me GUARD! Have you found grain number 72,984,736,813,854 yet?
Guard: Yes sir but 17,190,547,137,189 has gone missing and 57,186,285,398,559 has died in a tragic man-standing-on-sand accident.
Edgar: *Wipes tear* He was a brave man...
Kefka: Strange fuck! Anyway I'd hate to be you if we find out you're lying... Mwa, ha!
Edgar: Or would you...
Kefka *Notices Edgar's pecker* Okay, mabye I would like to be you...
Kefka: I truly hope nothing happens to your precious...
Edgar: THIEVESS!!!! NO ONE STEALS MY PRECIOUSSS!!!!!
*Kefka and soldier leave*
Edgar: *Talks to Locke*
Locke: I'd say that guy's missing a few sperm.
Edgar: *LOL* Where's Terra?
*Terra walks out from the back, and then Edgar and Locke walk away to talk privately*
Edgar: Take her to her room...
Locke: SIR YES SIR YES SIR!!!!!!!
Edgar: I'd love to *ahem* talk...to you but the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. Sometimes I hate being a king! *Under his breath* But I'll always be the king of sex!
*Edgar walks to the back*
Locke: *Presses L1 + Square* Follow me.
Terra: *Presses L1 + Circle* Fuck you!
Terra: *Following Locke* Hey usually when I have to follow someone it's automatic. Now I actually have to make decisions on which way to go. That just pisses me off.
*They reach the room*
Terra: Can't anyone just walk into this room when I'm sleeping? I could be assassinated you know!
Locke: Don't you worry 'bout a thing! I'll...
Terra: You're Locke right?
Locke: Took you long enough!
Terra: Edgar told me about you. Is it true you're a gay thief?
Locke: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! I'M A TREASURE HUNTER DAMMIT!!!!
Terra: And your skill in battle is 'steal', is it not?
Locke: ......On the surface, Edgar pretends to support the Empire. The truth is, he's collaborating with the Returners, an organization opposed to the Empire using slave crowns to get hookers. I am his contact with that group...
Locke: The old man you toasted in Narshe used to be one of us.
Terra: Empire...but I'm a hooker of the Empire...!
Locke: That's not true! They were using you! Things are different now.
Terra: I don't understand...What should I do?
Edgar: *Throwing his voice and crapily making it sound like Locke's* Fuck Edgar!
Terra: That's a great idea! *Goes off to Edgar's chambers*
Locke: The fuck?
*The next day*
Edgar: Woah! I'm knackered...
Terra: Not me!
Edgar: SHIT! It's morning. We fucked all night.
Terra: Keep going! Just a few more days for the world record!
Edgar: No we have to get up.
*They get up and walk outside*
Edgar: Stay here...what the fuck?
*They see soldiers running around, they then realise that Kefka is taking a piss on the castle*
Kefka: I told you I'd make you pay Edgar!!!! Bring me the girls. Now!
Edgar: I don't know what you're shitting about!
Kefka: Then...welcome to my toilet!! Uwa ha ha ha!
Edgar: Sad!
*Edgar walks up to the guard and Terra*
Edgar: Get ready...!
Terra: YES SIR! *Starts undressing*
Edgar: No not you!
Soldier: Oh, okay! *Walks back*
Edgar: Get behind me...
Terra: Shouldn't I be the one saying that?
Edgar: Just do it!
Kefka: Changed your mind...?
Edgar: I guess I have no choice... *whispers to Terra* Now!
*They run to the edge of the castle and jump onto chocobos*
Edgar: Or maybe I do!
Kefka: Dumbass! Leaving your hooker behind!
Terra (on the chocobo): I'm right here!
Kefka: Shit...
*The 3 chocobos run around the castle*
Edgar: Jump!
*Locke jumps and misses, but he grabs onto the chocobo's tail*
Chocobo: WARK!!!!
Locke: LOOK WHO'S THE THIEF NOW - STEALING MY THEME TUNE!!!!
*Run to the front of the castle and stop - letting Locke get on*
Edgar: OK! Dive now!!!
Locke: Yahoooo!
Kefka: Could this get any worse?
Locke: *Steals Kefka's recording of the boss music*
Kefka: NOW IT'S PERSONAL!!!
*The castle starts rumbling*
Edgar (shouting): SICK CHANCELLOR!
Soldier: Dumbass, it's the Submerge mode being engaged!
Edgar: OH SORRY!
Chancellor: No one can touch the people of Figaro! Except whores of course! *Goes through stairs*
*Castle submerges*
Kefka: GO!!!! GET MY BOSS TAPE!!!!
*The Magitek soldiers chase them*
*Enter battle*
M-tekArmor2: Hey shouldn't this be a back attack for them?
M-TekArmor1: Dunno......I see why the boss likes this music! *Tek Laser - Terra*
Terra: *66 damage - 11 remaining*
*Edgar jumped up and down with amazement*
Locke: Edgar, what's the matter? You look like you got the shit scared out of you.
Edgar: Dddddddid you just see what I saw...?
Locke: Yeah......this kid seems loaded for bear......
Edgar: I don't know what the fuck that means, but she's amazing! Those are BOUNCY! B O U N C Y!
Locke: *Jumps up and down* B B B B B B B B B BOUNCY?! Her tits are bouncy?
*Edgar and Locke whisper to each other*
Edgar: Terra......where on earth did you get those?
Terra: .........Sorry......I......um......
Locke: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal of this......
Edgar: Me either *under his breath* my ass!
Terra: I'm no language expert but don't you mean me neither?
Edgar: ............it's just that I've never actually SEEN ones that bouncy before!
Terra: Umm...we were in bed together!
Edgar: I was drunk...where did you...?
Terra: ......
Locke: Edgar, Terra has bouncy ones and we don't. That's the only difference between us.
Edgar & Terra: BULLSHIT!!!!
*Terra returns to her battle position*
Terra: Stop swooning!
M-TekArmor2: We could have kicked your asses while you were doing that, but we got dazed my THEM *Metal Kick - Edgar*
Edgar: *13 damage - 132 remaining*
Terra: *Cure -All HP recovered - 77 remaining*
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*
M-TekArmor1: *100 damage - 110 remaining*
M-TekArmor2: *100 damage - 110 remaining*
M-TekArmor2: *Tek Laser - Locke*
Locke: *76 damage - 46 remaining*
M-TekArmor1: *Metal Kick - Locke*
Locke: *15 damage - 31 remaining*
Locke: Why is it always me? *Attack - M-TekArmor1*
M-TekArmor1: *19 damage - 91 remaining*
Terra: *Attack - M-TekArmor2*
M-TekArmor2: *15 damage - 95 remaining*
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*
*The Magitek soldiers die*
*Edgar and Lock do their victory dance while Terra does nothing*
Locke: *Whispering to Edgar* Don't say anything...
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Phew! Well that was a long chapter! Please review it!
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.
--------------------------------------------------
*Locke and Terra walk up to the guard*
Guard: Wait!
Terra: I'll 'handle' him...
Locke: It's all right, these guys know me.
Guard: Umm, no one knows who you are.
Other Guards: Yeah that's right.
Locke: SILENCE FUCK *decapitates guard*
*They enter the castle and march to the back to see the king*
Locke: *Talks to king*
King: You mean, THIS young woman...?! *Gets an excited look on his face*
*The king goes up to Terra, looks down at her then goes back to Locke*
Terra: The fuck? DID YOU JUST CHECK ME OUT?????
King: Oh...sorry! *Turns around* How rude of me to turn my back to a lady! *Starts drooling*
Voice: The young king of Figaro Castle, ally to the Empire, AND HE USES A CHAINSAW; KICK-ASS!!!
King: *Names* I am Edgar, King of Figaro, master of the chainsaws!
Locke: Surprised someone like me knows someone who uses a chainsaw.
*For no apparent reason Edgar and Locke turn to each other and nod like crazy*
Locke: Talk to you later! *Winks*
Edgar: So you're an Imperial hooker! Great, the Empire are our homies! Please, relax while you're here. You can do that in MY suite!
Terra: Look, why are you helping me? Is it because of my...abilities?
Edgar: I'll give you 3 reasons: First of all your...ASSETS. Second...I'd like to see if you look good...ON ME!! And I guess third is your abilities *under his breath* in bed.
Edgar: Anyway look around the castle, then get some rest. You must be tired...BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN RACING THROUGH MY MIND!!!
Terra: ...
*Terra explores the castle, opening chests right next to sellers who didn't give a shit. She then goes into the left tower*
Matron: Edgar HAD a twin brother. He was such a *ahem* good, boy...
*Flashback*
Youth: YO HOMIE, WAZZUP WITH DADDY, HES LIKE NOT IN DA HOUSE YA KNOW!
Edgar: Are you blind? Look how thin his face has become!
Youth: ?????? WAZZUP WIT YOU???
*Edgar walks away*
Youth: Homie?
*Edgar walks out the room*
Yourh Tears......?! HAHAHA EDGERS OLDER THAN ME AND HES STILL AN ICKLE CRYBABY!!!
Voice: What kind of dumbass trades the throne for freedom - THIS PRICK!
Terra: Sweet, I get to name him!
Matron: Seeing how you name him he'll probably be in your quest. Be wise!
Terra: Fine I'll leave it as default *names him Sabin*
Matron: Yes...His name is Sabin.
Terra: Duh!
Matron: Oh, he looked so like his father! When he ran away, he was a sweet little child. I wonder what he's like now?
Terra: I dunno, maybe DEAD!!!
*Terra goes to Edgar*
Edgar: Well? How do you like my castle?
King Edgar! Someone from the Empire to see you!
Edgar: Probably Kefka after his whore...
Terra: I'm right here you know!
*The scene changes to Kefka walking through the desert with two soldiers*
Kefka: Shit! Emperor Gestahl's frickin' orders!
Kefka: *Jumps up and down* Edgar you asshole! Why do you have to live in the middle of nowhere?
Soldier1: Maybe so he doesn't have many visitors?
Kefka: *Fire 3*
Soldier1: Ugh! *dies*
Kefka: Ahem...there's sand in my pants!
Soldier2: *Shudders, then takes it out of his pants* Yes, Sir! All set, Sir!
Kefka: Uwee he he. Idiots!
*Walks up a bit, and just so happens to be at the castle*
Guard: Sir Kefka!? What on earth do...
Kefka: Move it fucker
Guard: I'm supposed to protect this place, but I'll just let you through!
*Kefka enters*
Edgar: Hey I'm in control! *Moves around in a square* The fuck, I can't move in a circle!
*Goes over and talks to Locke*
Locke: ...
Edgar: Hello?
Locke: ... *under his breath* stay calm...
Edgar: The fuck? He doesn't notice me!
Locke: Your supposed to talk to Kefka *under his breath* calm...
Edgar: I don't want to talk to that clown...
Locke: YOU HAVE TO DO IT TO ADVANCE IN THE STORY!!!!!!
Edgar: Eeep! *Talks to Kefka*
Edgar: What brings Kefka, lowly ass-fucker to our ever so sexy palace?
Kefka: A girl that we don't give a shit about recently escaped from us. We couldn't give a shining shit about her. Where is she?
Edgar: Hmm...this wouldn't have anything to do with this "bitch" everyone's been whispering about, would it?
Kefka: Lies! She...merely stole something that we have failed to get rid of. Now where is she?
Edgar: Oh! That's a hard one. *Massages his dick* You see, there're more girls that have been in my bed than grains of sand out there. I can't keep track of 'em all. That reminds me GUARD! Have you found grain number 72,984,736,813,854 yet?
Guard: Yes sir but 17,190,547,137,189 has gone missing and 57,186,285,398,559 has died in a tragic man-standing-on-sand accident.
Edgar: *Wipes tear* He was a brave man...
Kefka: Strange fuck! Anyway I'd hate to be you if we find out you're lying... Mwa, ha!
Edgar: Or would you...
Kefka *Notices Edgar's pecker* Okay, mabye I would like to be you...
Kefka: I truly hope nothing happens to your precious...
Edgar: THIEVESS!!!! NO ONE STEALS MY PRECIOUSSS!!!!!
*Kefka and soldier leave*
Edgar: *Talks to Locke*
Locke: I'd say that guy's missing a few sperm.
Edgar: *LOL* Where's Terra?
*Terra walks out from the back, and then Edgar and Locke walk away to talk privately*
Edgar: Take her to her room...
Locke: SIR YES SIR YES SIR!!!!!!!
Edgar: I'd love to *ahem* talk...to you but the Chancellor and I must plan our strategy. Sometimes I hate being a king! *Under his breath* But I'll always be the king of sex!
*Edgar walks to the back*
Locke: *Presses L1 + Square* Follow me.
Terra: *Presses L1 + Circle* Fuck you!
Terra: *Following Locke* Hey usually when I have to follow someone it's automatic. Now I actually have to make decisions on which way to go. That just pisses me off.
*They reach the room*
Terra: Can't anyone just walk into this room when I'm sleeping? I could be assassinated you know!
Locke: Don't you worry 'bout a thing! I'll...
Terra: You're Locke right?
Locke: Took you long enough!
Terra: Edgar told me about you. Is it true you're a gay thief?
Locke: THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! I'M A TREASURE HUNTER DAMMIT!!!!
Terra: And your skill in battle is 'steal', is it not?
Locke: ......On the surface, Edgar pretends to support the Empire. The truth is, he's collaborating with the Returners, an organization opposed to the Empire using slave crowns to get hookers. I am his contact with that group...
Locke: The old man you toasted in Narshe used to be one of us.
Terra: Empire...but I'm a hooker of the Empire...!
Locke: That's not true! They were using you! Things are different now.
Terra: I don't understand...What should I do?
Edgar: *Throwing his voice and crapily making it sound like Locke's* Fuck Edgar!
Terra: That's a great idea! *Goes off to Edgar's chambers*
Locke: The fuck?
*The next day*
Edgar: Woah! I'm knackered...
Terra: Not me!
Edgar: SHIT! It's morning. We fucked all night.
Terra: Keep going! Just a few more days for the world record!
Edgar: No we have to get up.
*They get up and walk outside*
Edgar: Stay here...what the fuck?
*They see soldiers running around, they then realise that Kefka is taking a piss on the castle*
Kefka: I told you I'd make you pay Edgar!!!! Bring me the girls. Now!
Edgar: I don't know what you're shitting about!
Kefka: Then...welcome to my toilet!! Uwa ha ha ha!
Edgar: Sad!
*Edgar walks up to the guard and Terra*
Edgar: Get ready...!
Terra: YES SIR! *Starts undressing*
Edgar: No not you!
Soldier: Oh, okay! *Walks back*
Edgar: Get behind me...
Terra: Shouldn't I be the one saying that?
Edgar: Just do it!
Kefka: Changed your mind...?
Edgar: I guess I have no choice... *whispers to Terra* Now!
*They run to the edge of the castle and jump onto chocobos*
Edgar: Or maybe I do!
Kefka: Dumbass! Leaving your hooker behind!
Terra (on the chocobo): I'm right here!
Kefka: Shit...
*The 3 chocobos run around the castle*
Edgar: Jump!
*Locke jumps and misses, but he grabs onto the chocobo's tail*
Chocobo: WARK!!!!
Locke: LOOK WHO'S THE THIEF NOW - STEALING MY THEME TUNE!!!!
*Run to the front of the castle and stop - letting Locke get on*
Edgar: OK! Dive now!!!
Locke: Yahoooo!
Kefka: Could this get any worse?
Locke: *Steals Kefka's recording of the boss music*
Kefka: NOW IT'S PERSONAL!!!
*The castle starts rumbling*
Edgar (shouting): SICK CHANCELLOR!
Soldier: Dumbass, it's the Submerge mode being engaged!
Edgar: OH SORRY!
Chancellor: No one can touch the people of Figaro! Except whores of course! *Goes through stairs*
*Castle submerges*
Kefka: GO!!!! GET MY BOSS TAPE!!!!
*The Magitek soldiers chase them*
*Enter battle*
M-tekArmor2: Hey shouldn't this be a back attack for them?
M-TekArmor1: Dunno......I see why the boss likes this music! *Tek Laser - Terra*
Terra: *66 damage - 11 remaining*
*Edgar jumped up and down with amazement*
Locke: Edgar, what's the matter? You look like you got the shit scared out of you.
Edgar: Dddddddid you just see what I saw...?
Locke: Yeah......this kid seems loaded for bear......
Edgar: I don't know what the fuck that means, but she's amazing! Those are BOUNCY! B O U N C Y!
Locke: *Jumps up and down* B B B B B B B B B BOUNCY?! Her tits are bouncy?
*Edgar and Locke whisper to each other*
Edgar: Terra......where on earth did you get those?
Terra: .........Sorry......I......um......
Locke: Look, I didn't mean to make such a big deal of this......
Edgar: Me either *under his breath* my ass!
Terra: I'm no language expert but don't you mean me neither?
Edgar: ............it's just that I've never actually SEEN ones that bouncy before!
Terra: Umm...we were in bed together!
Edgar: I was drunk...where did you...?
Terra: ......
Locke: Edgar, Terra has bouncy ones and we don't. That's the only difference between us.
Edgar & Terra: BULLSHIT!!!!
*Terra returns to her battle position*
Terra: Stop swooning!
M-TekArmor2: We could have kicked your asses while you were doing that, but we got dazed my THEM *Metal Kick - Edgar*
Edgar: *13 damage - 132 remaining*
Terra: *Cure -All HP recovered - 77 remaining*
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*
M-TekArmor1: *100 damage - 110 remaining*
M-TekArmor2: *100 damage - 110 remaining*
M-TekArmor2: *Tek Laser - Locke*
Locke: *76 damage - 46 remaining*
M-TekArmor1: *Metal Kick - Locke*
Locke: *15 damage - 31 remaining*
Locke: Why is it always me? *Attack - M-TekArmor1*
M-TekArmor1: *19 damage - 91 remaining*
Terra: *Attack - M-TekArmor2*
M-TekArmor2: *15 damage - 95 remaining*
Edgar: *AutoCrossbow*
*The Magitek soldiers die*
*Edgar and Lock do their victory dance while Terra does nothing*
Locke: *Whispering to Edgar* Don't say anything...
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Phew! Well that was a long chapter! Please review it!