Bwahahaha! Cliffhangers are so cool sometimes. Anyway, I'm back with the conclusion to that scene as well as various other scenes…so yeah. Sit back and enjoy as I try to write an entire chapter in one sitting. Why would I do that? Cause I'm a freak with no life, obviously. My friend just told me she thought I spent way to much time on fanfiction, considering it's not in any way something that is helping me to succeed in life or…whatever. Um, yeah, whatever. I'll write until my fingers fall off or I get sick of it, and so far, neither of those things has happened, so here we go. As an additional note, I'd like to dedicate this chapter to Jade, who coined a certain term that is used several times in this chapter. Here's to you, imouto-chan!
*****
One More Try
Part 3
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He tasted like coffee and cigarettes mixed with a sharp sort of tang that I couldn't quite place. It was a lot like what he smelled like, so I wasn't entirely surprised, but I wasn't so much worried with the flavor of the man as I was with the fact that he was still pressing against me, his mouth hot and hungry on mine as I felt his tongue press into my mouth as though I had offered no resistance whatsoever. And then I remembered that I was in love with this man, and it didn't make sense for me to resist this, as it might be the only thing I'd ever get from him. But still…something about it wasn't right. I knew it, and I was still a little frightened, so I turned my head away, stopping the kiss before it could go any further.
"Stop it!" I whimpered slightly, and I think that the fear in my voice must have hit some nerve within him, because he suddenly let me go, jumping back and looking completely shocked at what had just transpired.
"Shit…Oh jesus, shit." Spike sounded so lost, so utterly confused, that for a moment, I totally forgot that he'd pretty much been rape-kissing me about ten seconds ago, and my heart went out to him. However, I did have the common sense to close my robe more securely before I spoke this time.
"Spike…it's okay." I told him, stepping forward tentatively, one hand reached toward him in an attempt at comfort. I'd never really had to comfort him before, so I wasn't sure if he'd want me to touch him or not. "I'm fine."
"What the hell…is wrong with me?" he looked down at me, and his face was so tragic, that any anger I had about what had just occurred was immediately ignored for the time being. "I don't know…what the hell…"
"It's okay, Spike." My voice was firmer this time, reaching up to touch his face softly with my fingers, the contact a bit unsure. "Nothing happened. We were just…fighting."
"I fucking kissed you." He said this with such disbelief that it almost struck me as though he were disgusted by the idea. "Why the hell…Jesus fucking Christ…"
"Spike…I'm sorry." I don't know why I apologized, but something about it all made me feel guilty, as though I'd done something terrible in attacking him, in turning him on, in letting him kiss me for even a moment before I pulled away. Maybe the fact that I'd been a bit sad when the contact broke…maybe that's what made me feel guilty. Whatever it was, I could feel tears rising in my eyes, so I turned and practically flew the short distance to my room, slamming the door behind me. I couldn't face him just then. I still didn't know why I had been the calm one after what had happened. I mean, he'd just forced himself on me, if only for a brief moment before I'd pulled away and he'd regained his senses. I should have been hysterical, but I just kept hoping that Spike wasn't too upset.
After all, what did he have to be upset about? Was I the one that got all turned on by our fighting? Was I the one who got that look in my eyes? Was it me who had kissed him without permission? I think not. And I'd been perfectly innocent in the whole incident. I was trying to rip his eyes out, sure, but that was completely unrelated to the current issue we were faced with. And why did he have to sound as though he'd hated kissing me? After all, he had started it, and I was a completely unwilling participant. I should have been disgusted. And maybe if I wasn't completely in love with him, I would have been. But that was beside the point! I hadn't led him on intentionally at all, and he'd kissed me for no reason, and now he was all upset and I was supposed to apologize? I think not.
However, once I'd had time to think all this through and had decided that I was not sorry since I'd done nothing wrong, it was too late to think about this as I had already apologized. Damn it all to hell. And somehow, I was convinced that Spike had tricked me into apologizing right away without thinking it through so that later he could claim that I'd forced myself on him instead of it being the other way around. Or maybe he just wanted to be able to escape without apologizing since I'd already made it seem like I was the one at fault. Damn, he was a lot trickier than I thought. I'd have to watch out for that in the future.
So then, after all that shit with the kiss, I was back to being angry at Spike. Funny how after so much had happened, I ended up right where I started. At least Ed and Ein were back, even though they seemed to bring destruction and disorder with them. Ed didn't really tell us exactly why she had returned, but I figured in the end that her absentminded father must have left her behind once again. I suppose she was lucky to have some other family to go to if for some reason the Bebop split up again, but she was still young, so I didn't really begrudge her that. And after the coffee incident, I was pleasantly surprised the next morning when Ed actually had made a brand new coffee maker. Even though it looked a bit odd, it did work rather well, so I didn't have anything to complain about. And Ein's brief encounter with my boot hadn't actually done much to the worn leather. Apparently, Ein doesn't have very strong jaws, and he hadn't really drooled on the footwear, so after a quick bit of attention from a soft rag, it was almost as good as it had been.
So that left only one person who I had unresolved issues with. And damn him, Spike seemed to think the best course of action with the whole kissing issue was to pretend like it had never happened. And believe me, he's a terrible actor. I kept catching him staring at me when he thought I couldn't tell, and even though he'd been doing that before since I'd been acting kind of weird, I was pretty sure this was something different. So one day, I decided to ask.
"Do I have something on my face?" I looked up at him, tilting my head slightly in irritation at the interruption to my peaceful fingernail painting. I still held the wet brush poised and ready over my left hand, but the feel of Spike staring at me from the chair across from me had finally gotten to be irritating enough that I brought it up. "Do I?" I repeated after he didn't respond, except for to give me a blank look as though he didn't know what I was talking about.
"No." He answered, still looking a bit confused. As though that stupid act would work on me. I already thought he was stupid.
"Then stop staring at me." I told him, going back to my previous task. I had just finished my left hand when I glanced up, and what did I see? Spike staring at me. Again. After I told him to stop. Apparently, it was too much to expect that he'd at least have the courtesy to listen when I tell him to do something. Or not to do something…aw, damn, you know what I mean. "Spike, stop it." I told him, my voice a little bit sharp. At this point, he wasn't really very high on my list of favorite people in the world.
"What?" he snorted, obviously upset at being caught staring twice in five
minutes. "I thought you wanted
people to stare. That's why you act so
obnoxious and wear those slutty clothes."
"Spike, you are banned from staring." I told him irritably. "You are also banned from making comments about my appearance, Mr. Rape Kiss."
"Mr. Rape Kiss?" Spike had the audacity to look completely bewildered at this point. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think?" I glared at him before trying to finish the task at hand, carefully painting my right thumbnail as I continued to speak in a bitter tone. "You're the one who tried to cram his tongue down my throat."
"Oh, like you didn't like it." Spike snorted again, and I forgot all about my fingernails. "That hardly counts as a kiss."
"What? Exactly what counts as a kiss then?" I wanted to know. "Does the girl have to participate? Cause that was all that was missing from that one."
"You weren't part of that? Really?" Spike stood, and I realized that at some point, I too had gotten to my feet. "Cause it seemed to me like you were rubbing yourself all over me."
"It would have seemed that way to you." I luckily didn't clench my fists at that point, as it would have completely ruined my nail polish, and that would have really pissed me off. "I was only trying to get away from you, crazy asshole."
"Now I'm the crazy one?" Spike stepped past the table almost as though it wasn't there, trying to use his height to intimidate me. It was one of his oldest and least effective tricks. "You fucking tried to jump me just because I kicked you out of the bathroom. What the hell was I supposed to do?"
"Okay, first of all, I did not jump you! I was going to kick your ass because you were pissing me off! And second, you definitely shouldn't have rape kissed me. That's all I'm saying." I told him angrily. He'd been so different right after the kiss, and I couldn't believe how much he had changed his opinion on it all in barely a week. Dirty asshole.
"I never fucking rape kissed you!" Spike protested. "You were totally asking for it!"
"Yeah, like you're asking to have your face smacked right now!" I pointed at him threateningly to show that I was definitely willing to do it. "Don't fucking deny it!"
"Then don't pretend you didn't want me to do it!" Spike shot back. "I didn't get any fucking resistance from you!"
"Yeah, cause I was fucking scared shitless!" I snarled angrily. "And as soon as I realized what was going on, I pulled away!"
"Some time to act coy." Spike snorted at this. "Since when did you have any self respect?"
"Since when did you want to kiss me?" I shot back.
"I didn't want to! I wasn't thinking straight!" Spike argued.
"Oh yeah, I forgot, it was all me!" I was furious now. How dare he insinuate that he'd had no part in the kiss when he'd clearly been the initiator and the only one who seemed to want to be involved in it? "You're just pissed off that I pulled away! You really can't handle rejection, can you?"
"Like you've ever rejected anyone in your whole fucking life!" Spike was obviously angry. He just kept playing the Faye's A Slut card over and over again because he knew it would piss me off.
"I sure as hell rejected you!" I stomped my foot angrily. "Rape kisser!"
"Fucking whore!" He shot back, stepping toward me so that I was forced to look up at him. I hated it when he pulled that shit.
"You know what, just knock it the fuck off! You're the one who kissed me, and I don't care if I hurt your fucking pride or whatever!" I stomped again, more loudly this time. If I couldn't be taller, I'd definitely be louder. "Just back off, okay!"
"What the hell is going on out here?" Jet came in then, with Ed right behind him, looking as though she'd rather not get between Spike and I at that moment. Not that I could really blame her.
"He started it!" I insisted immediately. Okay, I know it sounds childish, but fuck, I was pissed off, and I wanted someone to agree that I was right and Spike was wrong.
"Whatever, slut." Spike sounded angry, but not nearly as bad as he'd been before Jet came in. He always tried to make it look like I was just some crazy woman who'd gone into hysterics for no reason. Bastard.
"Are you two done?" Jet wanted to know. "I can separate you if that's what it takes."
"Oh, that'd be a fucking tragedy." I snorted. "Although Spike might be upset. Apparently, staring at me is his new favorite hobby."
"I wasn't staring at you! I was just trying to figure out why you're such a fucking whore!" Spike was immediately as angry as he'd been before Jet came in.
"Yeah, such a whore that I wouldn't fucking kiss you back, rape kisser!" I shot back.
"Don't talk about that shit in front of them!" Spike was obviously embarrassed, and I couldn't have been more pleased with the situation. "You're the one who started that anyway!"
"Yeah, of course, blame it on me!" I was so frustrated that I brought up the one thing that had always been sure to make Spike lose his temper. "You couldn't have been kissing someone on your own since you're so in love with your dead fucking girlfriend!"
"Don't fucking talk about Julia like that!" Spike's face went through three different shades of red in the space of about ten seconds. "You don't know what the hell you're talking about!"
"Well, I'm pretty sure she's dead, and it's obvious you're fucking hung up on her, so I don't see what part I missed." I was a bit calmer now that I'd gotten to Spike. It was so nice to be the calm one. "Maybe how you go around rape kissing your crewmates? Ed better be careful."
"Faye!" And there it was, the side of Spike that only came out when I pushed him just a little too far. Oh, I was sure that Vicious had seen him angry plenty of times, and maybe even the almighty Julia had witnessed it, but these days, it was pretty much just me. "You fucking bitch! What the fuck is wrong with you!?"
"Spike, calm down." Jet had seen Spike angry before, since he was always breaking up our fights. However, he clearly didn't want to have to fight with angry Spike. I couldn't blame him. It wasn't a very tempting prospect.
"What the fuck do you know, anyway!" Spike was really shouting now, the way he only did when he obviously wanted to kick my ass, and the only thing that held him back was some ingrained sense of honor that told him not to hit women, even if they were only slutty crewmates. "You fucking whore!"
"I know that that day, you fucking wanted me! And I wasn't Julia, and I didn't remind you of her, but you still wanted me. And now you're all fucking pissed because I didn't want you to fucking rape me in the hallway? Well thanks for thinking about my feelings, you fucking prick!" I didn't hit him, even though I wanted to. It wasn't a very good idea to hit angry Spike. "I don't want to talk about this right now. I'm leaving." I announced, storming out of the room.
And as far as I was concerned, I won that argument.
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"Faye, could we talk about something?" Jet's voice caught me by surprise, and I nearly dropped my coffee at the unexpected request. Sure, Jet was close to me, and I'd hate to see him hurt or anything, but we didn't have a lot of communication in our relationship.
"Um…sure." I supposed that I could spare the man a few minutes. After all, he did keep the shower working, not to mention my Redtail. And he'd probably saved my ass a couple of times with some quick thinking, so I didn't think it was too much to ask for.
"We don't talk much." He began. Okay, thanks for the understatement of the year, there, Jet. "But this is kind of…well, I try not to get involved in some things."
"Yeah." I prompted, sipping my coffee. I hoped that he'd get to the point.
"This thing with you and Spike though…it's kind of getting out of hand." He offered me a smile that looked more than a little forced. Obviously, he was incredibly uncomfortable with the topic. That made two of us. "I really…don't want to know what happened with this whole…rape kiss thing. But can I ask you to do something for me?"
"What is it?" I was more than a little relieved that he only took the father act so far. There was no way I was telling him all the gory details of the Rape Kiss.
"I know that Spike pisses you off a lot." Jet began. "He's an asshole, and he doesn't seem to give a shit about anything. But he really does care about you."
"Yeah, he cares if I take all the hot water or not." I snorted, taking another sip of coffee.
"I've known him for a long time. Trust me on this one." Jet patted my shoulder, and I shook my head slightly.
"Whatever. So what do you want?" I asked.
"Just…don't bring up Julia when you guys are fighting. I know you want to get him just as mad as you are, but it's such a pain in the ass when I have to stop him from ripping the ship up afterward." Jet shook his head, and I recalled the black eye that was still fading away from the vestiges of the nail polish fight, as I'd come to call it. "Also…I don't know if you really understand what it's like to have someone you really care about die…but she's only been gone for a few months now. It's still really hard for him. He cries sometimes."
"I know." I admitted. Yeah, I'm an eavesdropper, I know. It had made me feel more than a little bad to hear him in his room after the nail polish fight. That night he'd cried himself to sleep, and I felt like I was going to vomit I was so guilty over it.
"Spike tries really hard to keep himself under control. It's because he doesn't want to ever hurt you, Faye." Jet explained to me. Somehow, I wasn't entirely convinced of his reasoning, but sure, if he thought it made his argument more convincing, I could see why he'd lay the guilt trip on me. "Don't push him, okay?"
"Tell him not to push me." I was a bit angry that Jet thought everything on the ship would get peaceful if I just let Spike talk trash to me without ever fighting back. Great fucking solution. Men never think shit through.
"You know he wouldn't listen if I tried." Jet gave me a knowing look, and I nodded slightly, agreeing to do as he said. "Thanks, Faye. I really hate to get involved, but you understand, right?"
"Yeah, he shouldn't be bringing you guys into it." I sighed and sipped my coffee again. "He could have hurt Ed if she'd gotten in his way."
"Yeah." Jet nodded, looking pleased that he'd completed our little talk with no major mishaps. "You know, Faye. I think you'll be good for him, in the end. Even if he doesn't see that yet."
"Um…I gotta go." I didn't even want to think about what Jet had just said. I mean, I wasn't angry at Spike anymore, really, so I was kind of back to just being in love with him. It made me wonder if Jet could tell how I felt, and if he could see it, how long before Spike would figure it out? This was all starting to be a lot harder than it had seemed in the beginning.
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"You are such an idiot." I told the man who was lying on the couch and passively letting me treat the wounds he'd come back to the Bebop with. "What made you think you could go into a bar and start a fight with a bunch of guys that were ten times your size?"
"They weren't ten times my size…only twice." Spike defended himself as I sterilized another cut and bandaged it. "And I did start the fight, so I don't see what the issue is."
"The issue is this." I poked a large bruise that was forming on his ribcage. "I'm going to have to bind this."
"Don't fucking poke it." Spike hissed. "That hurts, you know."
"Yeah, well that's what you get for being a dumbass." I told him, getting out my binding gauze. "Sit up so I can bind your ribs."
"You're the worst nurse I've ever had." Spike told me in a voice that wasn't really very convincing.
"Want me to get Jet out here? Or Ed? Cause I can." I gave him a look that told him I'd be happy to have him off my hands.
"No…that's fine." Spike wasn't even trying to fight with me. It was actually a bit disappointing. "You're doing fine."
"Yeah, thanks for the vote of confidence." I snorted before wrapping his ribcage carefully and then clipping the bindings in place. "So seriously, why'd you do that? Go out and get your ass kicked like you could care less what happens to you?"
"I don't know." He shrugged. It wasn't very convincing, that was for sure. Like I said, he was a horrible actor.
"It hurts a lot, doesn't it?" I had my suspicions about what he was hoping to accomplish by getting himself beat to a pulp.
"No, it's not that bad." He tested his ribs with a warily poking finger.
"Not your ribs, idiot." I rolled my eyes. How stupid could one man be? "I mean…since she's gone."
"Who? Oh…you mean Julia?" Spike's face was immediately so sad, I wondered if maybe talking about it had been a bad idea. "It's…kinda hard."
"You miss her a lot?" I prompted.
"No…not like that." Spike scratched the back of his head as though trying to think of the right words. "I just…I never got to see her that often. But I thought that maybe when we were older and she was ready…"
"You wanted to have kids with her?" I was admittedly shocked at the idea of Spike having kids at all. With anyone.
"No! Maybe…yes…I don't know." Spike shook his head. "Anyway, it was always there, you know? Like an option. But now she's dead…it's so hard to think about how I'm never going to see her again."
"You know," I felt like maybe what I was about to say would give me away to Spike, but maybe he was so lost in his own problems that he wouldn't think it through too thoroughly. "When you left to go after Vicious, I thought you'd never come back."
"I told you I'd be fine." Spike gave me half a smile then. He didn't really like having us worry about him.
"Not really…and you just seemed so ready to die. That fucking cat story scared the shit out of me." I admitted. "I was sure that was it, the last time I'd ever see you. And I was desperate to keep you there for just a little longer. I pulled my gun on you, for god's sake. But you left anyway, and I wanted to hate you for that. But I couldn't. All I could think was 'there goes the most important thing in my life.' And it was so fucking depressing. Jet thought you were done, too."
"You guys…I knew I'd be fine." Spike's smile was a bit more genuine this time.
"Anyway, the point is that when I thought I'd never see you again…I really wanted a picture of you, but I realized we never really took any, and Jet didn't have any either. But then I realized that even if I had a piece of paper to remind me of how you looked, it wouldn't be the same as having you. And I was so scared of never seeing you again that I wouldn't even suggest that you might be dead. Not until after I found you alive." I told him. "When you opened your eyes…I almost started to cry."
"Sometimes…I wish I had died then." Spike admitted. "Maybe then I could see Julia again."
"But if you died, we'd all be left to miss you." I told him. "So just…could you please be more careful from now on?" I thought that he'd laugh at the request and tell me I was being stupid, but instead he reached forward, putting his hand on my cheek softly.
"Okay." He said. And with that, he left the room.
I loved that man so much.
*****
The End (Of Part 3, That Is)