Chapter Three

Killing me Softly

At twelve o'clock I step out of bed, placing my feet on the cold stone floor. Shiver. Wince. Close my eyes. Night surrounds me and feel flushed with fever, yet damn cold. Nobody knows, but I'm afraid of the dark. I've always been. As a werewolf I suppose you could expect me to be used to it. But no, I'm always scared and blind when pitch black, dark, night, shadows come creeping closer to me. I have to sit down on the edge of my bed to keep myself from descending to the floor and my eyes travel to the shape of a snoring boy only a few meters away from me. A few more steps and I could smell him. Almost touch him. But see him and listen to him breathing, for a while. There he is - this young boy, stranger to my eyes when I think about how much I want him to treat me the way I need it. He could be killing me softly, I wouldn't even notice, and he would only realise it some time after. And as the angel I would be then, I would watch him cry because he lost me.

Why, I'm dreaming again.

Killing me softly with his song.

To bad he's not speaking to me anymore. I have no life. I'm dreading my existence without him next to me. That's sad.

I'm the one who should be killing. Not dying. What the fuck, I had enough of dying, don't you think? Don't you think I deserve something more than this? My only short moments of satisfaction are late at night when I'm watching him in silence, drooling like a perverted old man over porn-magazines, like a dog picturing a big beef under his nose. Like the wolf and his prey, dead creature, about to be eaten. And you know this is supposed to be my best friend and you know I love him too much.

There's not much more than a week left before my transformation will take room in the Shrieking Shack at midnight hour. We'll be running through the Forbidden Forest instead, exploring the grounds and everything forbidden.

Forbidden till the end, never to be explored? Where have I heard that before? It struck me as if someone told me once. A rejection, maybe. I can't remember who it was - I've had many rejections throughout my life. Why do you expect me to remember them all? Why do you expect things from me?

I rise from the bed, rub my nose and sighs. The not-yet-full moon casts a yellow, sickening light upon my bared chest and body, through the window. I flinch slightly as another loud snore comes from the dark.

I decide to walk around. That's always nice.

First I go loose on circles in the dorm, but it's boring me and moments later I head out of the room to wander around the castle instead.

I came to think of it. I'm barefoot and I'm freezing.

No one's allowed to be out at this time at night. It would cost you house points. But still, the castle is great and there are many places to hide in, where no one would ever find you if you didn't want them to.

I've haven't taken the Marauders Map with me, mostly because I forgot. And I didn't borrow James' Cloak. Not that he would have minded but I don't want to hide, I just want to go.

The corridor is empty, the people in the portraits on the walls are asleep, they too and my feet make swishing sounds as they brush over stone floor. I'm very confused and I don't know where to make my way.

Right before I am about to turn around, back to bed, a whisper-like echo reaches my ears. Something brushes past my shoulder and this frightens me. Moments pass and I try to listen carefully, but nothing more comes, I can only hear my rapid heartbeats.

This is dark.

"...who?" I choke out and twirl around as cool breeze strokes briefly over me. "Who's..." My voice cracks and my vision blur. Why, I feel dizzy. My legs don't move when I tell them to. An irritable, hot feeling sneaks upon me and places itself around me like a heavy quilt and sweat breaks out on my forehead.

Silence, but another light touch brushes the top of my hand. All too sudden, someone grabs my wrist and I think that I'm going to faint and my hearts beat too fast, I don't think it's good. The grip is terribly strong and cold - freezing actually. I feel my fingers go numb. There's no blood coming through. The force is painful. "Let go", I whimper and try to pull my hand away but I'm stuck. I'm suddenly pressed up against the wall, feeling someone's hot breath against my neck.

I'm scared.

It's dark and cold, my skin is exposed and I'm not alone in a corridor that's supposed to be empty but it isn't.

I'm pressed up against a cold wall, sending shivers up my spine because the air is icy, dead, and clammy and I'm not protected by anything conceivable. My company is invisible. Or it's just me and just me. My own imagination, twisting up reality for me again. Making things frightening and unreal.

"Remus..."

Now I'm furious and weak, the worst possible. It's a male voice that is whispering my name but I cannot recognise it. A tear forces itself through and rolls down my cheek. This someone licks it away and I wince, turning away my face.

"Remus, Remus, Remus..." He sounds bemused, and repeats my name as if he was only slightly disappointed with me. "Are you a child, Remus?" He grabs my face in a tight grasp, forcing me to turn it forwards. I get pulled into a rough kiss and then he lets go. I loose by balance and fall to the floor, crying like a baby. I can only hear the footsteps fade as I stand still on my scraped and bloodied knees.

This is where I stay for many hours, till the sun is on it's way up, and the new day screams at me, like everyone else that has ever passed.

I'm not the strongest among us. See that?

I'm just extinguished now.

A/N; I know I shouldn't have put the lyrics to Killing Me Softly in here but I just couldn't help it... Vairy sorree about that.

Thank you BRC, kind as always... And thank you Mia; that was very encouraging.