Title: The fall of a sparrow
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess,Rory/Other
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: As Rory finally gets her life on track he returns...
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
----------------------
"You don't know what my heart can do
You never did let me show you
If you're not interested in that part
Give my heart in return
I will never feel it again
What your body can do
If you're happy doing what you do
I'd like to say I'm happy to."
(From "Poor young man's heart" by Kristoffer Astrom)
-----------------------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"Save yourself"
by:Jessica
-----------------------------------
Maybe I was blind.
Maybe I was ready to close my eyes to everything that
I never saw the signs that were there all along.
I have no one to blame than me.
I acted like I always have done.
Like a fool.
The pain is mine and mine alone.
I just wish I had been prepared for this.
--------------------------------------
Daylight found me and caressed my cheeks heavenly.
I woke slowly.
I wanted to linger there, somewhere between awake
and asleep.
Where memories of the night still was fresh in my mind.
I wanted to cling to them, afraid if I opened my eyes
they might fade from my mind and I would be left alone.
Eventually, I surrendered to the coming day and rolled over
and reached for her.
Only to find an empty space beside me.
Her name escaped from my lips and fear gripped at my heart.
The fear that maybe it was just a dream.
As my eyes got used to the light I found myself in her bedroom.
The sheets still held her scent and traces of the night.
I rose from the bed and dressed in the morning light.
I wanted to cry out her name to the sun but I healed it back.
I found her in the living room.
I found her by the window.
She looked up as I approached.
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.
A smile painted my face.
That was all I could do.
Smile.
I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her.
She didn't move away.
I buried my nose in the soft sea of her hair and
whispered:
"Come back to bed.."
"I can't.."
"Sure, you can...."
I lifted her chin towards me and made her look at me.
"Jess, please..."
She moved away from me and I let her go.
"Rory, what's wrong?"
I sought for an answer in her eyes but I found nothing.
Fear gripped at my heart once more.
And it made me stumble.
"Nothing is wrong."
"Don't lie to me, please. I can see it in your eyes."
"Jess, please.."
I moved towards her, wanting to touch her.
Wanting answers for the questions that ripped through me.
But she shied away from me.
"Why can't I touch you?"
"Don't be silly..."
"You're acting like you're scared of me."
I moved even closer to her, only to have her back away from me.
The distance hurt me more than I ever thought could be possible.
"I'm not scared..."
"Then what is it?"
"I can't..."
"You used to tell me everything..."
"I can't tell you this. All I'm asking..."
"What?"
"Walk away from me."
Sorrow painted her eyes in darker colours as they met mine.
"What are you talking about?"
"Walk away now, Jess, before either of us gets hurt."
"What about last night? Doesn't that mean anything? What was that?"
"...It was..."
"A mistake?"
"Yes."
Just one word and my whole world came crumbling down.
I asked for it.
I brought it on.
What have I expected?
That she would be coming running back into my arms after all these
years?
How could I be so foolish that I could change everything?
So I did what I always have done.
I raised my shields.
And backed away.
"Oh..."
That was the only word that slipped from my mouth.
No silly remarks.
No witty comebacks.
Only silence.
I avoided her eyes as I backed away from her.
She reached for me and took my hand.
I wanted to break free from her.
A part of me even wanted to hurt her.
"I never meant.."
"Oh, yes..you meant it.."
Our eyes met.
"Jess, please. You have to understand."
"Understand what? I didn't force you. Was last night all in my
head?"
"No, of course not. It's just.."
"A mistake."
"Stop saying that!"
"What do you want me to say? How should I react to please you?
Should I bow out gracefully?"
"I don't want to hurt you..."
"What are you talking about?"
"I never meant any of this to happen."
"But it did."
"And I need to forget about it."
"Is it so easy for you, Rory? You just close your eyes and
everything that happened is gone?"
"No, of course not. I'm not that cold."
"You had me fooled."
My words faded to black as her hand slipped from mine.
Her face twisted and turned in pain as she backed away from me.
"How can you say that?"
"The Rory I knew would never..."
"The Rory you knew is gone!"
I moved towards her, anger filling my veins.
I grabbed her shoulders and made her look at me.
"I refuse to believe that!"
"It's the truth. I've grown. I'm not that girl anymore."
"You're wrong! I felt it. I looked into your eyes and I saw that
girl. The girl I fell so deeply in love with back then.
All I know is that girl would never be lying to me..."
"I never lied."
"Then why won't you tell me the truth?"
"What truth?"
"Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?"
"I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you."
I let her go.
Tears marked her face now.
A part of me wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go.
But the other part craved answers.
"Please, Rory. Just tell me..."
"Don't make me.. Just walk away now and..."
"I can't..."
"Please, I'm asking you to go and don't come back.."
"How can you say that?"
"I'm saving you..."
"Saving me?"
"Yes."
"From what?"
"The pain."
"The pain of what?"
"Of having your heart broken."
My hands trembled as I framed her face between my hands and made
her look at me.
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:
"Just tell me. I can handle it..."
She closed her eyes in a weak attempt to shut the world out.
Finally she spoke:
"I'm engaged to be married."
The pain struck me right in the chest and made me stumble backwards.
"What?"
"His name is Ben. Ben Cooper."
"No. You're lying."
I backed away.
Her tears made the truth so much clearer.
"It's the truth. I meant to tell you last night..But.."
"You're not wearing a ring."
"I have it in a my nightstand. I didn't wear it last night because..."
"Why are you doing this?"
"It's the truth. I never meant to tell you this way..."
"So everything last night was just...."
"Yeah..."
"A mistake."
"Yes."
How can I describe the pain that ripped through me in that moment?
How could I put my heart on the line like that?
I thought I was stronger than that.
Maybe I was wrong.
But she was the only one that had the ability to really hurt me.
Because she was the only one I have ever really loved.
And now I was losing her.
The need to run came suddenly and I backed away.
I needed time to face everything.
I needed to fall back and rebuild the wall around my heart.
I felt foolish.
Blind.
It would be so easy if I didn't feel anything.
Why couldn't I be that strong that her words couldn't touch me?
Guess I was weak after all.
Suddenly her hand touched mine.
"Jess, please..I never...Talk to me.."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
"I'll leave as soon as I can gather my things."
The morning sun warmed my face as I walked into the bedroom and
gathered the last remaining things.
The bed seemed to call out to me.
FOOL!
She stood by the door.
Her eyes met mine as I moved towards her.
My hands trembled as I opened the front door to her apartment.
MAKE ME STAY! SAY SOMETHING FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Her hands brushed mine and I looked back at her.
"Jess, please. I don't want you to leave this way."
"What way?"
"I couldn't bare you hating me."
"I could never hate you...Don't worry about me. I'll get through
this. As you said..You saved me..."
"Jess..."
"Don't Rory. There's nothing more to say..."
She let go.
As I walked through the door and had it close behind me a part
of me broke into millions of pieces.
Outside the rain painted the sidewalks in silver.
I didn't mind the cold the rain brought with it.
I welcomed it.
I started to walk.
To where I don't know.
All I wanted was to get as far away as possible.
I did what I always have done.
I ran.
------------------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where
Spoilers: None
Rating: PG
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se
Pairing: Rory/Jess,Rory/Other
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.
Summary: As Rory finally gets her life on track he returns...
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar
mistakes may occur.
----------------------
"You don't know what my heart can do
You never did let me show you
If you're not interested in that part
Give my heart in return
I will never feel it again
What your body can do
If you're happy doing what you do
I'd like to say I'm happy to."
(From "Poor young man's heart" by Kristoffer Astrom)
-----------------------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"Save yourself"
by:Jessica
-----------------------------------
Maybe I was blind.
Maybe I was ready to close my eyes to everything that
I never saw the signs that were there all along.
I have no one to blame than me.
I acted like I always have done.
Like a fool.
The pain is mine and mine alone.
I just wish I had been prepared for this.
--------------------------------------
Daylight found me and caressed my cheeks heavenly.
I woke slowly.
I wanted to linger there, somewhere between awake
and asleep.
Where memories of the night still was fresh in my mind.
I wanted to cling to them, afraid if I opened my eyes
they might fade from my mind and I would be left alone.
Eventually, I surrendered to the coming day and rolled over
and reached for her.
Only to find an empty space beside me.
Her name escaped from my lips and fear gripped at my heart.
The fear that maybe it was just a dream.
As my eyes got used to the light I found myself in her bedroom.
The sheets still held her scent and traces of the night.
I rose from the bed and dressed in the morning light.
I wanted to cry out her name to the sun but I healed it back.
I found her in the living room.
I found her by the window.
She looked up as I approached.
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.
A smile painted my face.
That was all I could do.
Smile.
I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her.
She didn't move away.
I buried my nose in the soft sea of her hair and
whispered:
"Come back to bed.."
"I can't.."
"Sure, you can...."
I lifted her chin towards me and made her look at me.
"Jess, please..."
She moved away from me and I let her go.
"Rory, what's wrong?"
I sought for an answer in her eyes but I found nothing.
Fear gripped at my heart once more.
And it made me stumble.
"Nothing is wrong."
"Don't lie to me, please. I can see it in your eyes."
"Jess, please.."
I moved towards her, wanting to touch her.
Wanting answers for the questions that ripped through me.
But she shied away from me.
"Why can't I touch you?"
"Don't be silly..."
"You're acting like you're scared of me."
I moved even closer to her, only to have her back away from me.
The distance hurt me more than I ever thought could be possible.
"I'm not scared..."
"Then what is it?"
"I can't..."
"You used to tell me everything..."
"I can't tell you this. All I'm asking..."
"What?"
"Walk away from me."
Sorrow painted her eyes in darker colours as they met mine.
"What are you talking about?"
"Walk away now, Jess, before either of us gets hurt."
"What about last night? Doesn't that mean anything? What was that?"
"...It was..."
"A mistake?"
"Yes."
Just one word and my whole world came crumbling down.
I asked for it.
I brought it on.
What have I expected?
That she would be coming running back into my arms after all these
years?
How could I be so foolish that I could change everything?
So I did what I always have done.
I raised my shields.
And backed away.
"Oh..."
That was the only word that slipped from my mouth.
No silly remarks.
No witty comebacks.
Only silence.
I avoided her eyes as I backed away from her.
She reached for me and took my hand.
I wanted to break free from her.
A part of me even wanted to hurt her.
"I never meant.."
"Oh, yes..you meant it.."
Our eyes met.
"Jess, please. You have to understand."
"Understand what? I didn't force you. Was last night all in my
head?"
"No, of course not. It's just.."
"A mistake."
"Stop saying that!"
"What do you want me to say? How should I react to please you?
Should I bow out gracefully?"
"I don't want to hurt you..."
"What are you talking about?"
"I never meant any of this to happen."
"But it did."
"And I need to forget about it."
"Is it so easy for you, Rory? You just close your eyes and
everything that happened is gone?"
"No, of course not. I'm not that cold."
"You had me fooled."
My words faded to black as her hand slipped from mine.
Her face twisted and turned in pain as she backed away from me.
"How can you say that?"
"The Rory I knew would never..."
"The Rory you knew is gone!"
I moved towards her, anger filling my veins.
I grabbed her shoulders and made her look at me.
"I refuse to believe that!"
"It's the truth. I've grown. I'm not that girl anymore."
"You're wrong! I felt it. I looked into your eyes and I saw that
girl. The girl I fell so deeply in love with back then.
All I know is that girl would never be lying to me..."
"I never lied."
"Then why won't you tell me the truth?"
"What truth?"
"Why are you doing this? Why are you pushing me away?"
"I don't want to hurt you. Don't make me hurt you."
I let her go.
Tears marked her face now.
A part of me wanted to wrap her in my arms and never let go.
But the other part craved answers.
"Please, Rory. Just tell me..."
"Don't make me.. Just walk away now and..."
"I can't..."
"Please, I'm asking you to go and don't come back.."
"How can you say that?"
"I'm saving you..."
"Saving me?"
"Yes."
"From what?"
"The pain."
"The pain of what?"
"Of having your heart broken."
My hands trembled as I framed her face between my hands and made
her look at me.
My voice was barely a whisper as I spoke:
"Just tell me. I can handle it..."
She closed her eyes in a weak attempt to shut the world out.
Finally she spoke:
"I'm engaged to be married."
The pain struck me right in the chest and made me stumble backwards.
"What?"
"His name is Ben. Ben Cooper."
"No. You're lying."
I backed away.
Her tears made the truth so much clearer.
"It's the truth. I meant to tell you last night..But.."
"You're not wearing a ring."
"I have it in a my nightstand. I didn't wear it last night because..."
"Why are you doing this?"
"It's the truth. I never meant to tell you this way..."
"So everything last night was just...."
"Yeah..."
"A mistake."
"Yes."
How can I describe the pain that ripped through me in that moment?
How could I put my heart on the line like that?
I thought I was stronger than that.
Maybe I was wrong.
But she was the only one that had the ability to really hurt me.
Because she was the only one I have ever really loved.
And now I was losing her.
The need to run came suddenly and I backed away.
I needed time to face everything.
I needed to fall back and rebuild the wall around my heart.
I felt foolish.
Blind.
It would be so easy if I didn't feel anything.
Why couldn't I be that strong that her words couldn't touch me?
Guess I was weak after all.
Suddenly her hand touched mine.
"Jess, please..I never...Talk to me.."
"What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
"I'll leave as soon as I can gather my things."
The morning sun warmed my face as I walked into the bedroom and
gathered the last remaining things.
The bed seemed to call out to me.
FOOL!
She stood by the door.
Her eyes met mine as I moved towards her.
My hands trembled as I opened the front door to her apartment.
MAKE ME STAY! SAY SOMETHING FOR GOD'S SAKE!
Her hands brushed mine and I looked back at her.
"Jess, please. I don't want you to leave this way."
"What way?"
"I couldn't bare you hating me."
"I could never hate you...Don't worry about me. I'll get through
this. As you said..You saved me..."
"Jess..."
"Don't Rory. There's nothing more to say..."
She let go.
As I walked through the door and had it close behind me a part
of me broke into millions of pieces.
Outside the rain painted the sidewalks in silver.
I didn't mind the cold the rain brought with it.
I welcomed it.
I started to walk.
To where I don't know.
All I wanted was to get as far away as possible.
I did what I always have done.
I ran.
------------------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se