Title: The fall of a sparrow
Author: Jessica
----------------------
"Spent a long time now persuading myself
That I don't need no-one
Nobody else
That I'd felt all there was to feel
I know if I should live one hundred years
I'ld never see another face like yours
On stranger seas or brighter shores
Cos I know
That my love is real."
( From "If your love is real" by David Gray)
-----------------------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"You'll get through this"
by: Jessica
-----------------------
A sad love song streamed out from the old jukebox.
Words like "eternity" and "love" seemed to surge
and sway in the air around me.
The bar was dark and smoky.
I had been up half the night searching for something, anything,
to ease the pain inside.
Eventually I ended up here, in the middle of nowhere.
All the lost souls of this world seemed to have
gathered here.
I had come to search for answers in a bottle of whiskey.
I had come to fight the demons that seemed to surround me
these days.
The hours seemed so long as night wrapped its coat around me.
I kept hearing her voice as she told me the truth.
I kept seeing her face as she proclaimed that it all was a mistake.
All I wanted was to erase that day from my mind.
But her scent still seemed to linger.
I could still taste her on me.
I could still remember her hand against my skin.
And that would surely be the death of me.
Her name was Mandy and she approached me first.
She couldn't be older than nineteen but at the moment I didn't care.
She sat down beside me at the bar.
She wore a short, little, skirt and the smallest shirt I ever seen.
"Buy me a drink, handsome."
Her voice was rugged.
She placed her hand on my knee and leaned closer.
It was obvious what she was looking for.
A part of me wanted to tell her to go away.
But the other part craved human contact.
As I looked at her I knew that she was what I needed to erase
the pain that kept tugging at my heart.
Her hair was blonde and was pulled back into a high ponytail.
She wore too much make-up for a little mouth and blue, narrow eyes.
"What will you have?"
"What ever you're having, honey."
She gave me a smile and settled down in the chair beside mine.
I ordered her a whiskey and returned to starring down into my glass.
"What brings you here then?"
"What's it to you?"
"Oh, nothing. It's just I haven't been seeing you around here..."
"I'm not from around here..."
I didn't know why I was telling her.
"Oh, where you from?"
"Nowhere..."
"What?"
"Nowhere, everywhere..."
"So what are you doing here, mister?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing...."
"HAHA, you can't fool me..."
"I don't care what you think."
"I've seen that look a thousand times before..."
I kept staring into my glass as she leaned closer.
She smelled of cheap perfume and cigarettes.
"What look?"
"Who is she?"
"No one...."
"I'm sure that she is not 'no one'."
"Whatever!"
"Mister, I'll give you some advice.."
I turned towards her.
Anger filling my veins.
"Look, HONEY...Leave me the fuck alone..."
"Don't need to get ruff me with me. You looked lonely..."
"I'm not lonely..."
"Then why are you here? There's nothing but lonely people here.."
I have nowhere to go.
"I just..."
She took my hand and made me look at her.
Her blue eyes pierced into me.
"Want to dance with me, sugar? It's free.."
"No, I just..."
She rose and pulled me up.
"Come on."
Some sappy ballad filled the air as we made our way onto the
small dance floor.
She pulled me closer to her and with a sigh I surrendered.
We swayed to the music, moving like one.
My mind felt blurry as her hands moved across my back.
"Maybe, I will give it to you for free..."
Then she kissed me.
Her lips were greedy as they forced me to surrender.
I wanted to move away.
But I needed to erase the taste of another so I drowned in her.
I pulled her closer to me.
She pushed away from me and looked at me:
"Not here, sugar. Not here."
She took my hand and led me towards the bar.
I paid my way and followed her out the door, just like a dog
following its master.
The cold, night air struck me and I pulled my jacket closer to my
shivering body.
The liquor that ran through my veins made my mind blurry.
She took my hand and said:
"Let's get a cab..."
"Where to?"
"Wherever you want to go, sugar."
"I don't know..."
"Where are you staying?"
"Nowhere..."
"Oh, honey..."
"I just..."
"I know..."
She hailed a cab and took my hand.
I stumbled towards the car, hardly seeing anything.
She took me to some motel.
The room wasn't big.
She had taken money from my wallet to pay for the room.
I stumbled towards her.
My mouth found its way to hers and I pulled at her clothes.
Wanting to feel something else that the numbing pain.
Wanting replace a memory with another.
I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone.
At least of all Rory.
"Slow down, mister. We got all night..."
She slipped from my grasp and made her way into the bathroom.
I sat down on the bed.
My hands trembled but I tried to ignore it.
"Are you ready, Hon?"
She stood in the doorway to the bathroom.
She was dressed in just a black bra and panties.
Her hair was down.
She came towards me.
Her eyes were dark.
She pushed me down on the bed and wrapped her long legs around
my waist.
"Just calm down. I'll make it all go away."
Her hands started to unbutton my shirt as her mouth found its way
down my neck and towards my chest.
My hands went up and down her back.
My mouth found hers and I drowned in the sweet sensation as our
tongues met.
She tasted different.
She felt different.
Her hand seemed to be everywhere at once.
Feeling.
Touching.
Caressing.
Driving me mad.
Then another face came to me.
A face that I tried to forget.
Memories came crashing down at me as her hand found its way down
to the center of my being.
I tried to ignore the voices inside of my head and tried to
focus on the feelings she could give rise to.
But all I could see was the face of the woman I had lost.
And that drove me to push her away from me.
A cry escaped from my lips:
"I CAN'T!"
I flew from the bed like it was made of fire.
Her eyes were wild and dark as she looked at me.
"I'm sorry, sugar, if it was something I did..."
"No..It's just...I can't...."
The need to escape came suddenly and I grabbed my things and rushed
out the door.
I ran as far away as my legs could carry me.
The rain came suddenly.
I had acted like a schoolboy, running like I did.
I had tried to chase away demons.
The memory of her.
Of Rory.
But all it did was causing more pain.
I couldn't breathe.
How could I make this pain go away?
It would be so easy if I just could let go.
If I just could put it behind me.
But she was inside of me.
Everywhere around me.
I had thought if I ran as far away as possible, maybe then I would
be okay.
If I gave myself to another then the pain inside would go away.
How wrong I was.
I stumbled forward on weak legs.
Drifting in and out of sanity.
Talking to the heavens.
Begging for release from this pain.
As the rain kept falling from a darken sky I screamed:
"PLEASE GOD SHOW ME HOW TO STOP LOVING HER!"
But all I found was silence.
I bowed my head and surrendered.
I never saw the other car until it was too late.
----------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
----------------------
"Spent a long time now persuading myself
That I don't need no-one
Nobody else
That I'd felt all there was to feel
I know if I should live one hundred years
I'ld never see another face like yours
On stranger seas or brighter shores
Cos I know
That my love is real."
( From "If your love is real" by David Gray)
-----------------------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"You'll get through this"
by: Jessica
-----------------------
A sad love song streamed out from the old jukebox.
Words like "eternity" and "love" seemed to surge
and sway in the air around me.
The bar was dark and smoky.
I had been up half the night searching for something, anything,
to ease the pain inside.
Eventually I ended up here, in the middle of nowhere.
All the lost souls of this world seemed to have
gathered here.
I had come to search for answers in a bottle of whiskey.
I had come to fight the demons that seemed to surround me
these days.
The hours seemed so long as night wrapped its coat around me.
I kept hearing her voice as she told me the truth.
I kept seeing her face as she proclaimed that it all was a mistake.
All I wanted was to erase that day from my mind.
But her scent still seemed to linger.
I could still taste her on me.
I could still remember her hand against my skin.
And that would surely be the death of me.
Her name was Mandy and she approached me first.
She couldn't be older than nineteen but at the moment I didn't care.
She sat down beside me at the bar.
She wore a short, little, skirt and the smallest shirt I ever seen.
"Buy me a drink, handsome."
Her voice was rugged.
She placed her hand on my knee and leaned closer.
It was obvious what she was looking for.
A part of me wanted to tell her to go away.
But the other part craved human contact.
As I looked at her I knew that she was what I needed to erase
the pain that kept tugging at my heart.
Her hair was blonde and was pulled back into a high ponytail.
She wore too much make-up for a little mouth and blue, narrow eyes.
"What will you have?"
"What ever you're having, honey."
She gave me a smile and settled down in the chair beside mine.
I ordered her a whiskey and returned to starring down into my glass.
"What brings you here then?"
"What's it to you?"
"Oh, nothing. It's just I haven't been seeing you around here..."
"I'm not from around here..."
I didn't know why I was telling her.
"Oh, where you from?"
"Nowhere..."
"What?"
"Nowhere, everywhere..."
"So what are you doing here, mister?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing...."
"HAHA, you can't fool me..."
"I don't care what you think."
"I've seen that look a thousand times before..."
I kept staring into my glass as she leaned closer.
She smelled of cheap perfume and cigarettes.
"What look?"
"Who is she?"
"No one...."
"I'm sure that she is not 'no one'."
"Whatever!"
"Mister, I'll give you some advice.."
I turned towards her.
Anger filling my veins.
"Look, HONEY...Leave me the fuck alone..."
"Don't need to get ruff me with me. You looked lonely..."
"I'm not lonely..."
"Then why are you here? There's nothing but lonely people here.."
I have nowhere to go.
"I just..."
She took my hand and made me look at her.
Her blue eyes pierced into me.
"Want to dance with me, sugar? It's free.."
"No, I just..."
She rose and pulled me up.
"Come on."
Some sappy ballad filled the air as we made our way onto the
small dance floor.
She pulled me closer to her and with a sigh I surrendered.
We swayed to the music, moving like one.
My mind felt blurry as her hands moved across my back.
"Maybe, I will give it to you for free..."
Then she kissed me.
Her lips were greedy as they forced me to surrender.
I wanted to move away.
But I needed to erase the taste of another so I drowned in her.
I pulled her closer to me.
She pushed away from me and looked at me:
"Not here, sugar. Not here."
She took my hand and led me towards the bar.
I paid my way and followed her out the door, just like a dog
following its master.
The cold, night air struck me and I pulled my jacket closer to my
shivering body.
The liquor that ran through my veins made my mind blurry.
She took my hand and said:
"Let's get a cab..."
"Where to?"
"Wherever you want to go, sugar."
"I don't know..."
"Where are you staying?"
"Nowhere..."
"Oh, honey..."
"I just..."
"I know..."
She hailed a cab and took my hand.
I stumbled towards the car, hardly seeing anything.
She took me to some motel.
The room wasn't big.
She had taken money from my wallet to pay for the room.
I stumbled towards her.
My mouth found its way to hers and I pulled at her clothes.
Wanting to feel something else that the numbing pain.
Wanting replace a memory with another.
I wanted to prove to myself that I didn't need anyone.
At least of all Rory.
"Slow down, mister. We got all night..."
She slipped from my grasp and made her way into the bathroom.
I sat down on the bed.
My hands trembled but I tried to ignore it.
"Are you ready, Hon?"
She stood in the doorway to the bathroom.
She was dressed in just a black bra and panties.
Her hair was down.
She came towards me.
Her eyes were dark.
She pushed me down on the bed and wrapped her long legs around
my waist.
"Just calm down. I'll make it all go away."
Her hands started to unbutton my shirt as her mouth found its way
down my neck and towards my chest.
My hands went up and down her back.
My mouth found hers and I drowned in the sweet sensation as our
tongues met.
She tasted different.
She felt different.
Her hand seemed to be everywhere at once.
Feeling.
Touching.
Caressing.
Driving me mad.
Then another face came to me.
A face that I tried to forget.
Memories came crashing down at me as her hand found its way down
to the center of my being.
I tried to ignore the voices inside of my head and tried to
focus on the feelings she could give rise to.
But all I could see was the face of the woman I had lost.
And that drove me to push her away from me.
A cry escaped from my lips:
"I CAN'T!"
I flew from the bed like it was made of fire.
Her eyes were wild and dark as she looked at me.
"I'm sorry, sugar, if it was something I did..."
"No..It's just...I can't...."
The need to escape came suddenly and I grabbed my things and rushed
out the door.
I ran as far away as my legs could carry me.
The rain came suddenly.
I had acted like a schoolboy, running like I did.
I had tried to chase away demons.
The memory of her.
Of Rory.
But all it did was causing more pain.
I couldn't breathe.
How could I make this pain go away?
It would be so easy if I just could let go.
If I just could put it behind me.
But she was inside of me.
Everywhere around me.
I had thought if I ran as far away as possible, maybe then I would
be okay.
If I gave myself to another then the pain inside would go away.
How wrong I was.
I stumbled forward on weak legs.
Drifting in and out of sanity.
Talking to the heavens.
Begging for release from this pain.
As the rain kept falling from a darken sky I screamed:
"PLEASE GOD SHOW ME HOW TO STOP LOVING HER!"
But all I found was silence.
I bowed my head and surrendered.
I never saw the other car until it was too late.
----------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se