Title: The fall of a sparrow
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
---------------------------------
"He was my north, my south, my east and west
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
( From "Funeral Blues" by W.H Auden )
----------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"A moment of grace"
by: Jessica
---------------------
It seemed that it had been raining for days.
It seemed like we hadn't seen daylight for years.
Shadows played a game of cat and mouse with the candle
that burned on the table.
The door made a squeaking sound as it was pushed open.
The candle that seemed to shine so bright suddenly flickered
and died away.
She stood in the doorway for a while.
Her face was pale and her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.
I rose from my chair and walked towards her.
All I could do was whisper:
"Mum."
I fell into her arms and I let myself be held.
We stood there for a while.
Clinging to each other.
She spoke first.
"How is he?"
"No change."
I broke free from her arms and moved towards the bed.
I sat down on the chair by the bed and took his hand.
She closed the door and sat down beside me.
"Have you eaten?"
"I will."
"You got to eat."
"I know."
His hand felt so cold in mine.
His face was so pale, almost transparent.
"What are the doctors saying?"
"He was lucky..."
I couldn't bear looking at her.
My voice was barely a whisper as I continued:
"The leg is broken, two ribs but mostly they are afraid of...."
"What?"
"They say..They told me..If he doesn't wake up in the coming days then
he might never..."
My words faded to black.
"Oh..honey..."
She took my free hand.
I almost wanted to back away from her.
She had come to ease my pain.
But not even her presence here could ease the pain that kept
eating at my heart.
Two days had gone by since I got the call that broke me in two.
Two days ago I was okay.
How different life was then.
I could breathe.
The sun still warmed my face.
Now I'm sitting here, clinging to every breath that shimmers
out from his broken body.
"Honey..please..talk to me.."
Her voice pierces the silence of the room.
Her hand trembles a bit as it touches my cheek and forces me to
look at her.
I close my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the coming flood out.
My voice is a barely a whisper:
"What do you want me to say?"
"Say anything."
I open my eyes and look at my mother.
"I can't..I don't know....."
"Honey..."
"I never thought...this could happen...I was.."
"He will make it through this..."
"I can't...I don't know how to let him go...Not now.."
"What? I don't understand.."
"He came to me...He had flowers and..."
"Rory..."
"Seven years. Seven years and not a word. I know that I should
be angry and I should have shut the door..But I couldn't...He is
Jess."
Memories came creeping back from that night.
I welcomed the sight of them.
"He is strong. He will come back to us."
"But you don't understand."
"Understand what?"
"I shut him out."
"But you just said..."
Tears blocked my sight as I looked at my mother.
How could I tell her the truth without hurting her?
Without breaking her picture of the perfect daughter?
"I never meant it to happen..."
"What?"
"He just..I can't remember who kissed who first...I just..."
"Oh, Rory..."
"But afterwards...After he had fallen asleep beside me...I laid there
in his arms and I could see everything I had built falling apart right
before my eyes...So I got scared...and I..."
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.
"What happened?"
"I told him to go...He told me so many things. Beautiful things..and
I backed away. I never meant to hurt him."
"I'm sure you didn't..."
"That's just it...I told him the truth..I told him everything."
"About Ben?"
"Yeah, everything. And you should have seen his eyes when I told him.
He kept looking at me with those eyes. And I swear that I could
almost see as his heart broke... And now this.."
"You can't blame yourself for this. You have nothing to do with
what happened. It was an accident."
"How do you know that? He just left and I hadn't the chance to
explain..To really talk to him."
"Rory. It was an accident."
"But that doesn't diminish what I did."
"You did nothing wrong."
"I hurt two people...Jess...and..."
"Ben?"
"Yes."
"Does he know?"
"No, he's in New York, some meeting. He will back the day after
tomorrow."
"What will you do?"
"I don't know."
I gripped at her hand and looked at her.
"I wish I could tell you what to do...But I can't..."
"Please, I need to know what to do..What's the right thing..."
"I can't answer that. You're the only one to answer that and you
know that..."
"But..."
She let go of my hand and rose.
"I'll get some coffee..."
"Please, mum."
"No, Rory. I can't help you now...Don't doubt your heart..."
Then she walked out the door.
And left me there, wondering.
------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se
---------------------------------
"He was my north, my south, my east and west
My working week and my Sunday rest
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song
I thought that love would last forever, I was wrong
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood
For nothing now can ever come to any good."
( From "Funeral Blues" by W.H Auden )
----------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"A moment of grace"
by: Jessica
---------------------
It seemed that it had been raining for days.
It seemed like we hadn't seen daylight for years.
Shadows played a game of cat and mouse with the candle
that burned on the table.
The door made a squeaking sound as it was pushed open.
The candle that seemed to shine so bright suddenly flickered
and died away.
She stood in the doorway for a while.
Her face was pale and her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.
I rose from my chair and walked towards her.
All I could do was whisper:
"Mum."
I fell into her arms and I let myself be held.
We stood there for a while.
Clinging to each other.
She spoke first.
"How is he?"
"No change."
I broke free from her arms and moved towards the bed.
I sat down on the chair by the bed and took his hand.
She closed the door and sat down beside me.
"Have you eaten?"
"I will."
"You got to eat."
"I know."
His hand felt so cold in mine.
His face was so pale, almost transparent.
"What are the doctors saying?"
"He was lucky..."
I couldn't bear looking at her.
My voice was barely a whisper as I continued:
"The leg is broken, two ribs but mostly they are afraid of...."
"What?"
"They say..They told me..If he doesn't wake up in the coming days then
he might never..."
My words faded to black.
"Oh..honey..."
She took my free hand.
I almost wanted to back away from her.
She had come to ease my pain.
But not even her presence here could ease the pain that kept
eating at my heart.
Two days had gone by since I got the call that broke me in two.
Two days ago I was okay.
How different life was then.
I could breathe.
The sun still warmed my face.
Now I'm sitting here, clinging to every breath that shimmers
out from his broken body.
"Honey..please..talk to me.."
Her voice pierces the silence of the room.
Her hand trembles a bit as it touches my cheek and forces me to
look at her.
I close my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the coming flood out.
My voice is a barely a whisper:
"What do you want me to say?"
"Say anything."
I open my eyes and look at my mother.
"I can't..I don't know....."
"Honey..."
"I never thought...this could happen...I was.."
"He will make it through this..."
"I can't...I don't know how to let him go...Not now.."
"What? I don't understand.."
"He came to me...He had flowers and..."
"Rory..."
"Seven years. Seven years and not a word. I know that I should
be angry and I should have shut the door..But I couldn't...He is
Jess."
Memories came creeping back from that night.
I welcomed the sight of them.
"He is strong. He will come back to us."
"But you don't understand."
"Understand what?"
"I shut him out."
"But you just said..."
Tears blocked my sight as I looked at my mother.
How could I tell her the truth without hurting her?
Without breaking her picture of the perfect daughter?
"I never meant it to happen..."
"What?"
"He just..I can't remember who kissed who first...I just..."
"Oh, Rory..."
"But afterwards...After he had fallen asleep beside me...I laid there
in his arms and I could see everything I had built falling apart right
before my eyes...So I got scared...and I..."
Her eyes were dark as they met mine.
"What happened?"
"I told him to go...He told me so many things. Beautiful things..and
I backed away. I never meant to hurt him."
"I'm sure you didn't..."
"That's just it...I told him the truth..I told him everything."
"About Ben?"
"Yeah, everything. And you should have seen his eyes when I told him.
He kept looking at me with those eyes. And I swear that I could
almost see as his heart broke... And now this.."
"You can't blame yourself for this. You have nothing to do with
what happened. It was an accident."
"How do you know that? He just left and I hadn't the chance to
explain..To really talk to him."
"Rory. It was an accident."
"But that doesn't diminish what I did."
"You did nothing wrong."
"I hurt two people...Jess...and..."
"Ben?"
"Yes."
"Does he know?"
"No, he's in New York, some meeting. He will back the day after
tomorrow."
"What will you do?"
"I don't know."
I gripped at her hand and looked at her.
"I wish I could tell you what to do...But I can't..."
"Please, I need to know what to do..What's the right thing..."
"I can't answer that. You're the only one to answer that and you
know that..."
"But..."
She let go of my hand and rose.
"I'll get some coffee..."
"Please, mum."
"No, Rory. I can't help you now...Don't doubt your heart..."
Then she walked out the door.
And left me there, wondering.
------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se