Title: The fall of a sparrow
Author: Jessica
----------------------
"I said you're the one
The one to hold me
But I guess he said that too
No surprise."
(From "How come your arms are not around me"
by Kristoffer Astrom)
............................
The fall of a sparrow
"Remember that I love you."
by: Jessica
................
He sensed the change in her almost at once.
She had this way about it that you could tell just by
looking at her that something was wrong.
She was waiting at the gate as he landed.
They had talked on the phone the night before but her voice
had been calm and normal.
But as she stood before him now he could see the change in her.
Her eyes were darker and deeper, somehow.
It looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on
her small shoulders.
She gave him a lovely smile and gave him a sweet kiss and for
a moment he forgot about the sadness in her eyes.
"I've missed you."
"Missed you too..."
He took her hand and looked at her.
"What have you been doing while I was gone?"
"Oh, nothing.."
He knew by the look in her eyes that she was lying but he pushed
that feeling away and focused on the sweet release of coming home.
They walked towards the baggage-claim while he talked on and on
about his meeting.
And as they reached the car he chose to forget about the feeling
that kept nagging at his heart.
That something was terrible wrong.
---------------------------
He seemed happy to be home.
It felt nice to have him home.
My first reaction when I opened the door to our apartment was
to check that everything was in order.
I felt like a thief coming back to the crime scene.
He walked into the bedroom and started to unpack while I tried
to calm my heart.
It felt harder to breathe, somehow.
If I just closed my eyes I was brought back to that night when
everything came crashing down.
"Rory?"
He stood in the doorway to the bedroom.
"Yeah."
Our eyes met and for a brief second I wondered if he could
see the truth in my eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"You look so sad."
"I'm just tired."
My words felt bitter, as I tasted them.
"Working hard?"
"Yeah..."
LIAR!
He walked towards me.
A smile painting his handsome face.
His hands felt cold as he framed my face and made me look at him.
His touch felt different somehow.
His eyes pierced into me and fear gripped at my heart.
The fear that maybe just maybe he would see the change in me.
I almost backed away from him.
But I stood strong.
Determined to keep the façade that everything was normal.
"I've missed you, Rory. I hate being away from you..."
"I know..."
"I love you..."
I couldn't form the words.
My mouth wouldn't form the words that he wanted to hear.
So instead I kissed him.
His mouth felt different against mine.
His lips didn't carry the softness that could so easily make me fall.
I wanted so desperately to drown in him.
I wanted him to be the one to silence the voices in my head.
I wanted him to erase all those memories that kept chasing me around.
He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me closer to him.
I fell into him and let my feelings be swept away by the passion
in his kiss.
He lifted me up and carried me to the bed.
He whispered sweet words that made me warm all over.
I was desperate now.
To erase all those memories that this room held.
To prove to my heart that nothing had changed.
And as I gave myself to him I began to believe in my own lies.
That nothing had changed.
-----------------------------------------------
I stayed away from the hospital for four days.
I spend all my waking time with Ben.
He took me to dinner, to the theater, to the movies.
We took long walks along The Charles River.
But on the fifth day I returned to his bedside.
Maybe it would have been better for me to stay away.
But something inside of me kept calling me back to his side.
The doctors proclaimed that it was in God's hands now and that
they had done what they could for Jess Mariano.
I brought him flowers.
I sat there by his side, holding his hand.
And I talked about everything.
As the world kept passing by outside the window.
---------------------------------
It became a game I played.
To see if I got away with it.
I spend my lunch hour by his side.
I read books, played music, talked.
Days became weeks and weeks turned into months.
And I settled into the routine of spending my free hours with him.
It became a quest to get him to wake up.
------------------------------
Ben was sitting by my desk as I returned to my office one gray
afternoon in the middle of September.
"What are you doing here?"
Ben was an editor of a magazine in down town Boston and he wasn't
the one that normally dropped in.
"I wanted to take you out for lunch but your secretary said that
you were out."
"Yeah, I.."
"Where were you?"
"I had lunch with some friends."
"Who?"
"Are you checking up on me?"
"Of course not."
He rose from the chair and walked towards me.
His eyes seemed darker somehow.
"Then, what?"
"It's just you have seemed distant lately. And I called here
once last week and wanted to take you out for lunch but...."
"I was out..."
"Where?"
"What's this Ben?"
"I just want to know..."
"Know what?"
"What's wrong Rory?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Ever since I came back from New York you have been acting strange.
And I keep wondering..."
"Wondering what?"
He was close now.
His eyes seemed bigger.
Darker.
Sadder.
"Where were you going?"
"No where."
"Just tell me the truth, Rory..."
"What truth?"
"What has happened between us?"
"Nothing has happened."
"You don't let me hold you anymore..You back away from me..."
"I do not."
I felt like I was backing into a corner.
"Yes you do...And when I tell you that I do love you...You look at
me like I just hit you.."
"Ben, you're talking silly."
"Am I?!"
He raised his voice.
I turned away from him.
Afraid that he might see the truth in me.
Fear gripped at me.
He grabbed my arms and made me look at him as he continued:
"Just tell me the truth, okay..."
"What truth?"
"Is there someone else?"
His words faded to black.
So it had come to this.
I could almost see everything fall down around me as I met his gaze.
I couldn't bear to speak those words.
But I didn't need to.
He read the truth in my eyes.
I could see a shadow settle over his eyes as he let me go and backed
away from me.
I felt cold.
"Ben..."
I reached for him.
He seemed confused.
Disorientated.
Panic at my soul with every moment that passed.
I moved towards him.
I wanted to mend the gap between us.
I reached for his hand but he backed away from me.
His eyes were dark as they met mine.
His voice was barely a whisper as he looked at me:
"Don't touch me!"
"Please, Ben.."
"Who is it?"
"This isn't the place for..."
He had no mercy as he moved towards me.
"WHO!?"
His voice pierced the silence of the office.
No lies could mend his heart.
No lies could bring him back to me.
No lies could keep my world from not falling apart.
"Jess. Jess Mariano."
Pain flashed across his face as my words sunk in.
I had told him about Jess a while back.
About my first real love.
If you might call it that.
I had talked highly about him.
The need to explain came suddenly.
The need to make it all trivial ran through me like poison.
"Please, Ben..I never meant..."
"Meant what? Don't say that it just happened for that will make
me sick!"
"Ben. Let me explain."
"Explain what!? What possible thing can you say to make this right?"
"Just let me..."
"Let you what? You can't fix this!"
He moved towards the door.
Anger and pain painting his face in different colours.
"Ben...please..."
Tears came suddenly and blocked my sight.
He stopped by the door and looked at me.
"Why are you crying? You have no right to cry...."
"I don't want to lose you...."
"You already have."
Then he walked away from me.
-----------------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
Author: Jessica
----------------------
"I said you're the one
The one to hold me
But I guess he said that too
No surprise."
(From "How come your arms are not around me"
by Kristoffer Astrom)
............................
The fall of a sparrow
"Remember that I love you."
by: Jessica
................
He sensed the change in her almost at once.
She had this way about it that you could tell just by
looking at her that something was wrong.
She was waiting at the gate as he landed.
They had talked on the phone the night before but her voice
had been calm and normal.
But as she stood before him now he could see the change in her.
Her eyes were darker and deeper, somehow.
It looked like she was carrying the weight of the world on
her small shoulders.
She gave him a lovely smile and gave him a sweet kiss and for
a moment he forgot about the sadness in her eyes.
"I've missed you."
"Missed you too..."
He took her hand and looked at her.
"What have you been doing while I was gone?"
"Oh, nothing.."
He knew by the look in her eyes that she was lying but he pushed
that feeling away and focused on the sweet release of coming home.
They walked towards the baggage-claim while he talked on and on
about his meeting.
And as they reached the car he chose to forget about the feeling
that kept nagging at his heart.
That something was terrible wrong.
---------------------------
He seemed happy to be home.
It felt nice to have him home.
My first reaction when I opened the door to our apartment was
to check that everything was in order.
I felt like a thief coming back to the crime scene.
He walked into the bedroom and started to unpack while I tried
to calm my heart.
It felt harder to breathe, somehow.
If I just closed my eyes I was brought back to that night when
everything came crashing down.
"Rory?"
He stood in the doorway to the bedroom.
"Yeah."
Our eyes met and for a brief second I wondered if he could
see the truth in my eyes.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Why?"
"You look so sad."
"I'm just tired."
My words felt bitter, as I tasted them.
"Working hard?"
"Yeah..."
LIAR!
He walked towards me.
A smile painting his handsome face.
His hands felt cold as he framed my face and made me look at him.
His touch felt different somehow.
His eyes pierced into me and fear gripped at my heart.
The fear that maybe just maybe he would see the change in me.
I almost backed away from him.
But I stood strong.
Determined to keep the façade that everything was normal.
"I've missed you, Rory. I hate being away from you..."
"I know..."
"I love you..."
I couldn't form the words.
My mouth wouldn't form the words that he wanted to hear.
So instead I kissed him.
His mouth felt different against mine.
His lips didn't carry the softness that could so easily make me fall.
I wanted so desperately to drown in him.
I wanted him to be the one to silence the voices in my head.
I wanted him to erase all those memories that kept chasing me around.
He wrapped his strong arms around me and pulled me closer to him.
I fell into him and let my feelings be swept away by the passion
in his kiss.
He lifted me up and carried me to the bed.
He whispered sweet words that made me warm all over.
I was desperate now.
To erase all those memories that this room held.
To prove to my heart that nothing had changed.
And as I gave myself to him I began to believe in my own lies.
That nothing had changed.
-----------------------------------------------
I stayed away from the hospital for four days.
I spend all my waking time with Ben.
He took me to dinner, to the theater, to the movies.
We took long walks along The Charles River.
But on the fifth day I returned to his bedside.
Maybe it would have been better for me to stay away.
But something inside of me kept calling me back to his side.
The doctors proclaimed that it was in God's hands now and that
they had done what they could for Jess Mariano.
I brought him flowers.
I sat there by his side, holding his hand.
And I talked about everything.
As the world kept passing by outside the window.
---------------------------------
It became a game I played.
To see if I got away with it.
I spend my lunch hour by his side.
I read books, played music, talked.
Days became weeks and weeks turned into months.
And I settled into the routine of spending my free hours with him.
It became a quest to get him to wake up.
------------------------------
Ben was sitting by my desk as I returned to my office one gray
afternoon in the middle of September.
"What are you doing here?"
Ben was an editor of a magazine in down town Boston and he wasn't
the one that normally dropped in.
"I wanted to take you out for lunch but your secretary said that
you were out."
"Yeah, I.."
"Where were you?"
"I had lunch with some friends."
"Who?"
"Are you checking up on me?"
"Of course not."
He rose from the chair and walked towards me.
His eyes seemed darker somehow.
"Then, what?"
"It's just you have seemed distant lately. And I called here
once last week and wanted to take you out for lunch but...."
"I was out..."
"Where?"
"What's this Ben?"
"I just want to know..."
"Know what?"
"What's wrong Rory?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Ever since I came back from New York you have been acting strange.
And I keep wondering..."
"Wondering what?"
He was close now.
His eyes seemed bigger.
Darker.
Sadder.
"Where were you going?"
"No where."
"Just tell me the truth, Rory..."
"What truth?"
"What has happened between us?"
"Nothing has happened."
"You don't let me hold you anymore..You back away from me..."
"I do not."
I felt like I was backing into a corner.
"Yes you do...And when I tell you that I do love you...You look at
me like I just hit you.."
"Ben, you're talking silly."
"Am I?!"
He raised his voice.
I turned away from him.
Afraid that he might see the truth in me.
Fear gripped at me.
He grabbed my arms and made me look at him as he continued:
"Just tell me the truth, okay..."
"What truth?"
"Is there someone else?"
His words faded to black.
So it had come to this.
I could almost see everything fall down around me as I met his gaze.
I couldn't bear to speak those words.
But I didn't need to.
He read the truth in my eyes.
I could see a shadow settle over his eyes as he let me go and backed
away from me.
I felt cold.
"Ben..."
I reached for him.
He seemed confused.
Disorientated.
Panic at my soul with every moment that passed.
I moved towards him.
I wanted to mend the gap between us.
I reached for his hand but he backed away from me.
His eyes were dark as they met mine.
His voice was barely a whisper as he looked at me:
"Don't touch me!"
"Please, Ben.."
"Who is it?"
"This isn't the place for..."
He had no mercy as he moved towards me.
"WHO!?"
His voice pierced the silence of the office.
No lies could mend his heart.
No lies could bring him back to me.
No lies could keep my world from not falling apart.
"Jess. Jess Mariano."
Pain flashed across his face as my words sunk in.
I had told him about Jess a while back.
About my first real love.
If you might call it that.
I had talked highly about him.
The need to explain came suddenly.
The need to make it all trivial ran through me like poison.
"Please, Ben..I never meant..."
"Meant what? Don't say that it just happened for that will make
me sick!"
"Ben. Let me explain."
"Explain what!? What possible thing can you say to make this right?"
"Just let me..."
"Let you what? You can't fix this!"
He moved towards the door.
Anger and pain painting his face in different colours.
"Ben...please..."
Tears came suddenly and blocked my sight.
He stopped by the door and looked at me.
"Why are you crying? You have no right to cry...."
"I don't want to lose you...."
"You already have."
Then he walked away from me.
-----------------------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se