I probably shouldn't tell you guys this cause you'll freak that I'm holding out on you…but I'm like way ahead of updates on writing these chapters. Two days ago I posted chapter 11, but here I am writing chapter 14. The idea is that if I lose my inspiration (which can happen) or if I don't have enough time to write all my updates in a week, I have back-ups. It's been a very good system, since this way even if I can't write for like, a month, the readers have no idea that I'm stuck because they're still getting chapters every week. I only get worried when it's the night before an update and I still haven't written the newest chapter. That happens too, but not very often.
*****
One More Try
Part 14
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"Stop fidgeting." I told the man who was standing next to me as I waited in line to tell the nurse that I was there for my prenatal examination. Spike had been irritating me all morning, acting like he'd had way too much coffee and was now constantly twitching and shifting himself.
"I'm not fidgeting." He answered indignantly as he played with his lighter, flipping it open and then closing it, twirling it around in his fingers and then starting the process over again.
"Yes you are." I told him, feeling like I was about five seconds from taking that lighter and cramming it up his nose. "Now stop." I reached over and set my hand over his, causing him to look down at the lighter he'd just flipped open. Grumbling something I couldn't quite make out, but was almost positive had to be a curse, he closed the lighter and pulled his hand away to put it away in his jacket.
"I'm just kinda nervous." Spike admitted in a hushed voice as though he was worried what the mother holding a baby ahead of us thought of him. "I don't like hospitals all that much."
"Neither do I." I told him, smiling slightly and running my fingers through my hair. "I spent enough time in one after they thawed me out, thank you very much. They always remind me of my debt."
"You know…maybe since you're going to have a kid…you should work on paying that off." Spike suggested as we moved forward in line. I ignored his advice and greeted the nurse behind the desk.
"Hello, my name's Faye Valentine. Doctor Galen should be expecting me." I told her, trying to ignore the fact that Spike had taken out his lighter again. I was going to smack him if he didn't knock it off. He was making me nervous. "I'm here for a pre-natal."
"Let's see…three o' clock, right?" the nurse was typing and watching the computer screen raptly. "Yes, I'll tell him you're here if you could go have a seat."
"Alright, thank you." I nodded and snatched Spike's hand, dragging him back toward the waiting area and nearly shoving him into a chair. "Put that damn lighter away."
"Calm down." Spike grumbled, but he did as I told him to, leaving him to smooth the fabric of his pants over and over again. I really wished I had a knife or something. I was feeling some distinctly stabbity urges.
"I am perfectly calm." I told him sharply. "You're the one who can't sit still."
"How come you changed the subject when I told you to pay off your debt?" he was obviously stretching for a change of topic, and I rolled my eyes in irritation.
"Okay, fine, I'll pay it off." I told him sarcastically. "I'll just pull that three hundred million woolongs out of my ass."
"I'm not saying all at once." Spike spoke in a defensive tone. "But don't you think that you should? I mean…it may not matter to you when debt collectors try to track you down now, but once you've got a kid to worry about…"
"What are you saying?" I asked him, immensely displeased with the topic of conversation.
"I'm just saying something could happen to you, and I know you don't worry about that kind of thing, but you have to think about the people who need you." Spike insisted.
"You could just take care of the baby if something happened to me." I shrugged. I didn't really think that would be good enough, but the fact of the matter was that I really hated talking about my debt, and it did worry me that debt collectors would likely still come after me once I had a kid. And some of them weren't very nice, either.
"Don't be an idiot." Spike was obviously trying to tell me something, and he was frustrated by the fact that I didn't care to listen to him. Not that I could really blame him for being upset, but I think that if he didn't want to talk about his past, it was fine for me to not want to talk about mine. "You think it's that simple? You just disappear one day and everyone goes on like you never existed?"
"Why not?" I asked him, rolling my eyes in exasperation. Why did I even bother to try and talk to him? He couldn't take a hint if his life depended on it.
"Ms. Valentine?" a nurse came to the waiting room door, holding a chart and looking around expectantly. I could have kissed her, but Spike didn't look very pleased about the interruption to our discussion. "The doctor's ready to see you now, if you could just come with me."
"Alright, thank you." I stood up and gathered myself. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to walk across a waiting room with any shred of dignity and grace when you have something the size of a beach ball and the weight of a watermelon strapped permanently to your front. Spike wasn't helping matters, as he seemed to think I couldn't make it that far without help, so he had a hand on my back like he expected me to fall over or something. The nurse didn't bat an eyelash at Spike's presence, and I couldn't decide if I was glad or terribly embarrassed by that. I was sure that everyone who saw us walking together must assume that he had caused my condition, and I really didn't like broadcasting my private life like that. Especially when everyone insisted on treating us like the couple we could never be. It was like rubbing my nose in it constantly. Still, it was nice that he cared enough to come to the examination, and it made me feel less like a whore, since I had been sure that was what everyone thought of me when I came in before, pregnant and young and all alone. It made it all too obvious how I had gotten that way, and I hated the truth behind it. Who would have known a one night stand would lead to all this?
"Doctor Galen should be in shortly, if you'll be seated," The nurse turned to Spike and gestured toward a chair so that he would sit down and stop fidgeting. This woman really had things under control. That, and I was still feeling gracious for her opportune sense of timing, so in my eyes she could do very little wrong at that point. "Ms. Valentine, I'll need to check your weight, if you can just come with me." She closed the door behind us, leaving an extremely put-out looking Spike alone in the examination room while we walked down the hall a bit to the scale. I really did not like this part. I was so glad Spike wasn't watching. I mean, I was pretty sure he wouldn't have assumed that he was seeing my normal weight because of the obvious baby stomach I was hauling around, but it was still embarassing. I knew that I had already gained ten kilograms, and it was driving me crazy.
"I hate this part." I admitted to the nurse as I hesitantly stepped onto the scale.
"Don't worry about it, I'm not one to judge." The nurse offered me a friendly smile as she jotted down the number. Sixty-six kilograms. I wondered how long it would take me to lose that extra weight. "You've got a bit of extra right there, so don't get worried. You haven't really gained any more than is normal for a pregnant woman."
"I've been trying to keep it under control." I told her, raking my fingers through my hair as I stepped off the scale. "Working out and all that."
"Just don't overdo it, right?" The nurse fumbled through her papers before looking up at me apologetically. "Is there any way I could get you to fill a cup for us? I almost forgot."
"Ugh…that again." I was getting rather sick of all the testing I had been put through over the past eight months. "Yeah, sure, I'll get it taken care of, but could you please not tell him that's where I am?" I pointed back down the hall toward my examination room and the nurse smiled again.
"Your boyfriend? Or are you guys engaged?" she asked, honestly curious. "I've noticed you in here before. You've always been alone."
"Oh…it's nothing like that." That would have been a lot more convincing if I wasn't blushing so deeply the heat practically rolled off my cheeks. "Just…a friend."
"Good friend." The nurse glanced back toward the room again, and it suddenly struck me that she was young. And pretty. For some reason, I wasn't sure if I liked the nurse that much anymore.
"He's taken." I blurted it out before I had a chance to think about my words. The nurse gave me an odd glance and I licked my lips before pulling a lie out of nowhere. "Yeah, he's in a really serious relationship right now…just so you know. I thought you might…"
"Oh! No, I wasn't going to—" the nurse cut herself off with a hand clapped over her mouth. She was blushing now as well and looked more than a little embarassed.
"Sorry! I didn't mean to say you would wonder…just lots of girls do." I felt like the biggest dolt in the history of the word dolt.
"Well, he is very cute." The nurse smiled knowingly, "And it's not often you find a guy that will take his friend to a prenatal exam. Most of them get uncomfortable if it isn't their kid."
Well, that shouldn't be a problem then. I was just about to snatch the plastic cup from the nurse, but she handed it to me and I hurriedly went to the nearby restroom to fill it for her. "There you go." I have to say that there are few things more undignified than being forced to carry around a plastic cup that was clearly full of your own urine. Although, the thought that now the nurse had to carry someone else's urine around made me feel a little better. "Should I go wait for the doctor then?"
"Oh, yes, of course." The nurse smiled brilliantly. How the hell can anyone smile so naturally when they've got a cup of warm urine in their left hand? Seriously, wouldn't you find that a little disconcerting? "Oh, he's coming down the hall just now. Why don't you go ahead and I'll hand him your charts?" the nurse turned to intercept my doctor, a man I was quickly tiring of visiting despite all his gentle manner and friendly conversation. I think I was just ready to have my baby and be done with it. Reaching the door to the room that I was supposed to be waiting in, I turned the knob and entered. Seeing Spike there somehow brightened my mood, even though it made me blush again as I recalled my awkward conversation with the pretty young nurse.
"It's about time." Spike grumbled, obviously relieved that I had come back. "Where's that nurse?"
"What do you care?" I was not jealous, I just wanted to know why he cared where the nurse was. It was an innocent enough question, honestly.
"I was just…asking." Spike gave me a sidelong glance. "Anyway, what was that all about?"
"Just taking…my weight." I did not want to discuss my increase in weight with Spike Spiegel.
"Really? What is it?" Spike looked like I had just handed him some very wonderful treat. "I bet you're up to seventy."
"Oh, shut up." I rolled my eyes at him. "I am not up to seventy, asshole."
"Wait…how much did you weigh before?" Spike seemed to take it as an insult that he hadn't gotten my weight on the first try, so now he was strategizing. I was not in the mood for the Guess How Fat Faye Is Game.
"How much do you think I weighed before?" I asked him challengingly, but at that moment Doctor Galen entered with the charts and a big smile on his face. He was a nice enough man, and if I wasn't so sick of him taking blood and urine from her and asking her all kinds of terribly embarassing personal questions, I might have thought he was fairly attractive. He wasn't too old, which was nice. I hate having those pervy looking sixty year olds insisting on pelvic exams. Doctor Galen wasn't a big fan of pelvic exams, so I decided that made him a damn good choice of doctor.
"Don't answer that, it's a trick question." The doctor warned Spike before setting his chart down on the bed I had already climbed up on in preparation for his usual probing and testing. "And how are we feeling today, Faye?" Doctor Galen was starting the exam as usual, with a quick cursory sweep of my stomach which involved a lot of pressing and looking for abnormalities there.
"I'm feeling pretty pregnant." I answered snidely. The doctor shook his head and laughed slightly, moving his stethoscope to check my heartbeat and breathing, as well as the baby's heartbeat. However, with the first earpiece in, Doctor Galen suddenly yanked it off and turned to Spike who had just coughed loudly, as though irritated that he had been forgotten. What a baby.
"Oh, yes, Nurse Stevens told me that a friend had come along." He looked a little embarassed to have moved right into the examination without making the proper introductions, but seriously, I just wanted to get on with it so I could finish. I was planning on making Spike take me out for food after we were done. That was his pennance for over-estimating my weight like that. "I'm Doctor Joseph Galen, and you are?" The doctor was holding his hand out in greeting, but Spike just gave him a vaguely untrusting look before answering.
"I'm the father." His tone was hard, but I felt my heart soar at his words. Sure, eveyone probably assumed that when they saw Spike with me at the doctor's office, but still…for him to just come out and say it like that…it was so thrilling. Although I had an idea that he wasn't trying to please me at that point so much as he was trying to point out to Doctor Galen that he had a good reason to be there, and he wouldn't be ignored. That, or he was jealous. I kinda hoped he was jealous. I knew already that he wasn't a big fan of anyone touching my stomach, even Ed or Jet, so I'm sure he wasn't overly pleased with the whole pre-exam once over thing. Now if only I could get my cheeks to stop turning red…
"His name is Spike Spiegel." I told the doctor, who looked a bit confused as to why Spike wasn't shaking his hand.
"Uh…well then, Spike," Doctor Galen recovered well enough, retracting his hand and putting on his stethoscope. "It was very good of you to come today, though I wonder why you couldn't come before."
"He's a very busy man." I excused immediately. "Babies aren't his number one priority."
"You never told me when your appointments were before." Spike countered, grumbling as the doctor leaned close to check the baby's heart.
"Deep breath in, Faye." The doctor didn't seem to be at all involved in our argument. He was too busy going through the normal examination, and he was probably used to bickering couples. Or maybe not…usually pregnant couples are all happy and lovey-dovey, aren't they? I don't know for sure, I just always kind of assumed that. I was pretty sure that most of them weren't in the situation I was experiencing, at least. Not that I personally knew a lot of couples with kids, but I still remembered my own parents, and they had seemed to get along well enough.
"Like you would have come." I rolled my eyes at him.
"I'm here now, what's that say?" Spike was obviously becoming more irate by the second, and I decided that I'd rather not get in a full out fight in front of my doctor who I knew I'd have to see again in at least a week.
"Can we talk about this later?" I raised an eyebrow and nodded to Doctor Galen who was still listening to my breathing.
"How are you feeling then?" Doctor Galen took the earpieces out as he scratched a few words down on the charts he was always filling out. "Anything odd? Loss of appetite, aches, loss of sensation, sharp pain?"
"Nothing more than usual." I shrugged. "Sore feet, sore back, and basically the only other thing is when I get a nice kick from down here." I patted my stomach. "I wish I would experience some loss of appetite. It can't be good for me to eat so much, whether I'm feeding this kid or not."
"Don't ignore your hunger. You should always listen to your body, and now it's more important than ever, what with the baby's health as well as your own." Doctor Galen told me, still scribbling on the charts. "Now then…why don't you lie down and we can take a look at the baby."
"Okay then." I moved up on the bed, laying back and pulling my shirt up to expose my distended belly. Spike looked a bit wary about me doing anything with my shirt, but I was used to this procedure, so he could just keep his opinions to himself since he obviously didn't know what was going on. "Spike, come over here." I waved him over as the doctor prepared the equipment and rubbed some gel over my stomach. Spike had just stood up to stand beside me, and he made a noise in his throat to see the doctor rubbing gel over my stomach. What a child. I mean really, the man was a doctor for god's sake! Did Spike actually think that there was any plausible reason to get jealous of a doctor examining a woman in a perfectly normal way. Heaven forbid he ever realize what went into a gynecological exam. "This is so he can take the ultrasound." I shouldn't have even bothered to explain something so silly.
"Yes, the gel allows a better surface for the tranceptor to pass auditory waves from." The doctor explained, using the patented Look How Smart I Am doctor talk. I don't know if they did that on purpose, but it was damned annoying sometimes. I ignored Spike's sullen look and pointed to the screen that was currently blank since Doctor Galen hadn't taken any pictures yet.
"That's where the baby shows up." I told him, offering him the barest smile. It was enough to make him stop pouting, so that was good. Seriously, why I even bothered with the man was beyond me sometimes. When the doctor pressed the tranceptor to my stomach, I made a slight face since it was, as always, uncomfortably cold. Spike took my face to mean something else, however.
"Does it hurt?" he wanted to know.
"No, it's just cold." I informed him, knowing that after a few moments, the cold feeling would go away, and it wasn't like it bothered me all that much. I mean, I'd taken freezing cold showers before. Having a cold piece of metal on my stomach could hardly count as bad after that.
"And we should see the first pictures in a few moments." The doctor told us, and Spike leaned in just a bit, obviously curious about how this whole thing would turn out.
"This is my favorite part." I admitted to both men, smiling slightly as the familiar green arc of initially indistinct shapes flickered onto the screen. It took a few moments to realize which parts were where, but I could tell from the look of concentration on Spike's face that he was doing what I usually did. He was mentally adding round, pink flesh to that image, and maybe s short shock of dark hair. The baby was moving a bit, looking almost as though it was shifting in it's sleep to find a more comfortable position. I could see it's little arm moving around, as well as one gently swaying leg. It was still a bit odd to see it's heart beating inside it's little body, but it made me happy to see that it was there, perfectly healthy and normal.
"Is that…" Spike was pointing at one part, leaning forward even more, his other hand brushing against my side as it splayed across the edge of the bed.
"Right here you can see the head, and this is it's heart." The doctor put his pen to the screen, naming bits as he moved his hand around. "You can see the arms right there…and those are it's legs."
"It's weird at first." I told him. "All green lines and the heart shows up…but isn't it really…just sort of…" Spike's hand found mine, and when he squeezed it firmly, I lost my train of thought.
"It's moving." He said after a pause on both of our parts.
"Yes, that's perfectly normal at this stage in development. Has the baby's movement caused you any discomfort, Faye?" Doctor Galen raised his eyebrows and turned from the screen to address me. I was still lost in the perfectly speechless world caused by Spike holding my hand. And for some reason I kept hearing his voice in my mind from earlier, when the doctor had asked who he was.
I'm the father. And then my mind trailed back to the night before. Doesn't it feel like we're a family?
So then I started to think. What if all of this—the pregnancy, and eventually the baby that he now claimed to want—caused something more to form between Spike and myself? He knew that I was in love with him, and even though he didn't seem to return my feelings, he wasn't belittling me or giving me a hard time about it. He was being surprisingly understanding, and it was entirely unprecedented Spike behavior in my experience. Did this mean that even though he didn't love me, he was going to play house for the sake of the baby? It seemed to me that the tiny child inside of me was accomplishing without effort something that I'd never be able to do. It was breaking straight through every wall and façade that Spike used to hide from the world and even from me, and he was falling in love with it. I guess it sounds stupid to say that I was a little bit jealous that after all the work I'd done, this baby was succeeding where I had failed without doing anything. I mean, it hadn't even been born yet, and already I felt like it was so much more important to Spike than I would ever be. So maybe all these sweet moments and caring gestures weren't for me, they were for my baby. And maybe after it was born, I would be cut out of the middle, and I'd never get anything like this from Spike again. The thought was very depressing, and I sighed deeply, trying to clear my mind.
"Faye?" the doctor was still waiting for my answer, and Spike was looking a little concerned.
"Oh, no, not really." I told him finally. "Are we almost done, doctor?" I was definitely ready to leave. This doctor visit was not making me feel any better about my situation with Spike. If anything, it was making the whole thing seem even worse than before.
"Oh…yes, I suppose the baby looks perfectly healthy from what I can see here." Doctor Galen concluded, furrowing his brow as he watched the screen. "And everything seems to be progressing normally. Do you have any questions to ask me?"
"Can I go home now?" I asked, not at all kidding. Spike's fingers had loosened and finally left my hand. The loss of sensation was disappointing, and my new realization didn't make matters any better. It was better if he went back to ignoring me, I thought. Anything was better than false affection inspired by pity for me as well as love for the baby. I felt so horrible, begrudging my baby that affection it had so easily gained, and I thought that at that moment, I must look extremely ugly, as that was exactly how I felt. I didn't want Spike to see such a petty person.
"I suppose so." Doctor Galen began turning off the equipment, gesturing to the sink. "You can wash off the gel first over there." He indicated, and I sat up to get off the bed, but I met unexpected resistance. Spike pushed me back down and made his way over to the sink, getting a few paper towels damp.
"I can help." He informed me, looking hesitant about whether he was actually allowed to wash my stomach off. I decided for him, snatching the towels away and taking care of it myself.
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself." I told him, noting that Doctor Galen was making a great show of finishing with his charts and not seeming to hear a thing that we were saying. "I'll go make an appointment, then." I told the doctor. "Next week?"
"Unless I see you sooner." He smiled broadly, as we both knew that my due date was in a matter of days.
"We can only hope." I offered him a sardonic smile as I sat up again, letting Spike help me down from the bed before shaking an arm to push him away a nice, safe distance. I wasn't too happy with him right at that moment. Never mind that he couldn't help who he loved and who he didn't, I was looking for someone to blame for my currently embittered mood, and he seemed a likely target.
"Of course, the due date is only an estimate, so we can't be sure. Also, some babies come quicker, some take a little longer." The doctor explained. I'd heard this all before, but I listened patiently. "So just be on your guard."
"Sure thing, doc." I gave him a casual wave before leaving the office with Spike annoyingly close to me. I got to the desk where I had to once again get in line before I turned to him. "Would you stop hovering?"
"I'm just standing here." Spike countered, sounding a little defensive, but he did take a step back, crossing his arms in irritation at the same time.
"Don't mope." I ordered him. I wasn't trying to be mean to him, really. I was just upset about the whole baby thing still.
"I'm not." He told me, stubborn as always. I shook my head and rolled my eyes as the line moved forward. I wasn't going to talk to him if he was just going to act like a child. I addressed the nurse behind the desk, deliberately ignoring the scowling man beside me.
"I need to make another appointment with Doctor Galen, about a week from today." I told her, still feeling the gaze on the back of my head.
"I have an opening at noon and another at four thirty." The nurse told me after some furious typing.
"Noon sounds good." I nodded as she added my appointment to the database and wrote up a small reminder slip for me.
"Alright. We'll see you then." She offered me a small smile before handing me the slip and turning back to her computer, ready for the next patient. I shrugged and put the slip in my pocket, heading for the door with Spike right beside me. Not that I was looking. Because I could have cared less what he was doing.
"Are you mad or something?" Spike asked as we moved across the parking lot to the area where our ships were waiting. I did not dignify his stupid question with a response. "Look…is it because I grabbed your hand? Because I was just—"
"No!" I stopped, whirling on him, or doing something that approximated an angry whirl when coming from a pregnant woman. "Gods Spike, you don't understand anything do you?"
"Not when it comes to you, apparently." He answered in an annoyed tone. "I don't see what you're mad about! We were getting along perfectly fine even though you kept flirting with that stupid doctor—"
"What the hell?" I cut him off again. "I was not flirting with him!"
"Well, he was flirting with you." Spike amended. "I saw it."
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes. How ridiculously stupid could one man get? "And even if we were flirting, what would it matter to you?"
"I…It's mine too." He pointed to my stomach as if that answered everything. I rolled my eyes and turned away.
"So? Does that mean you can tell me what to do and what not to do?" I asked him, angry at his presumption. "I sure as hell haven't been given the same privileges with you."
"I just don't think…with the baby and everything…" Spike was obviously having a hard time expressing himself. Not that it was that much of a difference from the usual. "I don't think you should be involved with other men."
"Why not?" I had no idea why he insisted on being such an idiot, but he didn't seem ready to let this whole imagined flirtation issue rest.
"It could…confuse the kid." Spike answered, apparently unaware of how completely lame that sounded.
"Don't be an ass, Spike." I told him, turning around to face him and leveling a condescending gaze at him. "You could care less what I do with my free time, it's only the baby you care about. And besides that, it wasn't like I was flirting with the doctor or anything, you're just being a—"
Apparently Spike was sick of being interrupted, so he decided to cut me off. However, his method was considerably nicer than snapping insults. It involved kissing me, grabbing my arms in both hands, and pulling me close. This was all well and good, but then I remembered that I was mad at him, and that I had already decided he didn't love me, and that all the affection he showed me was only for the baby. He was just confused, after all. So I twisted out of his grip and pulled away. From the look of shock he was giving me, he either didn't intend to kiss me, or hadn't expected me to pull away. Probably a little of both. So I decided to tell him what I thought of all this before he remembered how to talk.
"Don't, Spike." I told him, holding up a hand as though I expected another kiss attack. "Just…just don't, okay? We've already talked about this, and if you think that I'll let you fuck around with me just because of how I feel, you're wrong. I know you don't think I have any respect for myself, but I refuse to let you hurt me. Just leave me alone, okay?"
"Faye, I wasn't—"
"No, I don't want to hear it." I cut him off again, turning to leave. My Red Tail was close enough that even if he chased me, I could probably make it to the ship first. "I just don't, Spike. I've put up with a lot of shit from you, and that stops right now. I'm serious. I'm going home now, so just…just leave me alone."
"But I…" I didn't have to cut him off that time, he trailed off as I laboriously climbed up into my ship. He didn't love me anyway, and I knew it. So why did I feel like such an idiot when I saw him watching me leave? And why did he look so sad?
*****
The End (Of Part 14, That Is)