Between the two of them being stubborn idiots, this story will never end…sigh. Oh well, I suppose all we can do is continue on and hope that they come to their considerably lacking senses. And sooooo, on with the story.
*****
One More Try
Part 15
*****
So I admit it. When I took Spike to the prenatal exam with me, I had already gotten some idea that the baby was becoming more and more important to him. I guess my idea was that if I could expand on that, he'd see me and want to love me just as well. Granted, there was the kiss incident, but I was too confused at that point to enjoy it. However, once I got back to the Bebop, locking myself in my room and ignoring the way Spike was kicking the wall next door in a poorly veiled attempt to get me to come out, if only so that I could yell at him to knock it off, I started to really think about what had happened that day. And it frightened me.
Spike seemed like a mystery wrapped in an enigma coiled deep into a maze. You see, I spent most of my life making my livelihood based on a few basic principles. One of these ideas was that men were relatively simple-minded and with only the slightest bit of effort, any woman could come to understand what made them tick. This was important to me, as it allowed me to find the weaknesses of every man I ever encountered, friend or foe, and exploit those weaknesses to my own advantage. I was a woman, and as such I had a natural knack for this. The fact that so many men shared the utterly obvious weakness of their libidos made it that much easier for me to get the hang of this method of getting by in a world where women still have so much trouble gaining any sort of respect using the means by which their male counterparts avoid such devious subterfuge. But then, I'm an enterprising woman, and I've never had a problem with cheating…or manipulating the game a little. Part of the challenge is seeing past cheats and lies. If men can't do that, it's their own fault, and it all comes back to their basic, simple-minded ways.
However, Spike wasn't like any other man I'd ever known. I still wonder if that's what drew me to him. Maybe I was just so insulted that he defied all logic that I was determined to figure him out. That determination might have turned into an obsession, causing me to see that the reason I couldn't figure him out was because he was my weakness. That wasn't something I had planned on, and it shook my world down to it's foundations. I was in love. The woman who cared for no man and could use her killer looks and deadly instincts to win the heart of any man she met had finally fallen herself. It was ironic that I fell for the one man who seemed utterly immune to my charms. Maybe that was because from the beginning I knew he was different. I never concerned myself with Spike or Jet as men. They were my companions, and I knew that it would all come crashing down really fast if I fucked with their perceptions of me. So for once in my life after what should have been death, I let someone know me. Spike, Jet, and Ed became my family, and I loved them. Jet was a father, or maybe an older brother. Ed was a little sister…or maybe a brother. She was something. And Spike…he was something else entirely.
When I realized that I was in love with him, my instincts told me to keep it quiet, ignore it until it went away. There was no way that the infamous Faye Valentine could fall in love with any man. There was no such thing as love in my world. It was all a trick of the mind, a mixture of lust and confused feelings that made a person feel like all they needed in the world was the attention and acceptance of that one other person. Life couldn't be something so simple. It couldn't all come down to what one man thought of me. And yet…in the end, that's really what it was to me. I didn't want to be weak. I didn't want to rely on someone so much. And so, after I admitted my feelings in a moment of weakness, when I had deluded myself into thinking he might feel the same way, I shut my heart away again. I was so angry that he hadn't immediately reciprocated that I couldn't bring myself to think that maybe…just maybe, there was the slightest chance. He said no, he said he was sorry, and I took what he gave at face value.
I remember when I was little asking my mother what love was, and she told me that in this world, there were all sorts of people born everywhere. She told me that our whole lives we would look for the one person who had spent their whole life searching for us. And when we found that person, it was like two puzzle pieces falling into place. Everything would just click, and life would be perfect. She told me that was how she felt about my father, and that if I was lucky, I would find that person one day, when I was older.
Maybe I still believed that to some degree, and so it only made sense to me that I couldn't really be in love with Spike. He had already been in love with the wonderful Julia, and there was certainly no clicking occurring between the two of us. But then he kissed me. And it made me wonder. What if someone fell in love with someone else, and then that person died? After that, the person who was left…could they be expected to go their whole life missing the one they lost? Would they meet someone else? Was it possible to love more than one person? And if it was, then what if Julia never had died? Would things still have come so far between Spike and I? Was he just trying to find someone to replace the one he'd lost?
Where was my mom when I really needed to ask her something? I was pretty sure that Jet wouldn't be any help when it came to these questions. After all, I knew that he'd had a girl once…but did he really have the knowledge to tell me what I wanted to know? Could anyone but Spike answer my questions? And could Spike even answer them himself? I wasn't sure, and I didn't really relish the idea of asking him about things that could prove to be so utterly uncomfortable. For about three weeks after the examination and the kiss, I avoided Spike completely. I found out that this wasn't nearly as difficult as one would think, considering we lived in the same, limited space. Maybe he was embarrassed, or maybe he regretted kissing me. Whatever it was, he was just as quick to get away from me as I was to get away from him. This resulted in a cold, unspoken peace on the ship whereby we were actually reasonably polite to each other. I think Jet assumed that we had come to some sort of agreement, and though that was the case, our agreement was just to act like the other person didn't exist.
This might have worked a lot better had the baby just never been born, but unfortunately, babies don't just stay inside their mother's stomachs forever. Eventually, there has to be the actual birth. And though I should have expected it, something like that tends to take you by surprise no matter how you've planned for it.
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"Ugh, not oatmeal again." I moaned miserably as Jet set the big pot down at the table. The bearded man gave me a long-suffering look, waiting for Ed to fill her bowl with the pasty glop before pushing the pot toward me insistently.
"It's good for the baby." He claimed, the same excuse I heard every time I complained about the bland diet as of late. "I want you to eat at least a full bowl of it this time. And don't try dropping it in Ein's dish again."
"I hate this stuff." I grumbled, disappointed that he'd found out my strategy to avoid being stuffed with the flavorless mush. "It's so boring." Jet ignored my complaints, scooping the breakfast gruel into my bowl until it was nearly overflowing, and I sighed mournfully as I took an obliging spoonful and stared at it with a grimace on my face. Jet turned to look expectantly at Spike, who was silently picking at his own half-full bowl of oatmeal. Jet kept thinking to get Spike on his side whenever he was trying to get me to eat something or do something "for the baby," but ever since the kiss, Spike avoided talking to me at all. So of course, instead of agreeing with Jet and telling me to eat my food, he just took a hesitant bite of the oatmeal as we both pretended not to notice that we were sitting about two feet apart. It was a surprisingly convincing act, all things considered.
"It may be boring, but it's still good for you." Jet insisted, going back to his own breakfast and shoveling in determinedly, as though he thought that by showing some enthusiasm he would trick me into thinking that oatmeal didn't taste like cardboard. Yeah right.
"Just because something tastes good doesn't mean it's going to kill me." I informed him primly as I suffered through a spoonful of oatmeal sliding down my throat. Over the past week, my mild distaste of oatmeal had turned into a full-blown disgust. This was all thanks to Jet's admirable concern for the health of me and my baby. I was really appreciating it, as you might have been able to guess.
"Faye-faye?" Ed had already polished off her first bowl of oatmeal and was serving herself seconds when she addressed me with the same question she'd been asking me daily for about twenty days. "Is the baby ready yet?"
"Not yet." I answered patiently. I grew irritated at times with everyone's constant concern for my baby, but at the same time, it was really very touching. This was my family, after all, and the fact that they were all there for me when I needed them the most only cemented our bonds. Well, for the most part that was true. It seemed to cause nothing but strife between Spike and I.
"Wasn't your due date two weeks ago?" Jet asked, and this actually got a response from Spike, but only because he could make it appear that he was talking to Jet and not me.
"Sixteen days ago." He corrected between slow spoonfuls of oatmeal. He was eyeing Ein's food dish in a way that seemed to insinuate that he was beginning to think that my oatmeal ploy had been quite the clever one.
"Well, you can never be exactly sure about these things." I told Jet, pushing my oatmeal around my bowl with the back of my spoon. "Doctor Galen said that if I hit nine months he'd like to induce labor, since that's standard with this sort of situation."
"I bet." Spike snorted snidely, and it gave me pause. Did he just talk to me? I shook my head slightly and focused on my conversation with Jet.
"He gave me some pamphlets to explain what happens, and it all seems pretty safe, so if it does come to that then there's really nothing to worry about. Sometimes the babies just don't want to come, you know?" I explained.
"Of course. Doctor Galen would never do anything strange." Spike grumbled angrily, and I slammed my spoon down. Fine. If he wanted to end our truce, that was his problem.
"Would you shut up about that? He's just a doctor. He's supposed to be friendly." I insisted.
"I don't think anyone has a reason to get that friendly with you." Spike argued, more than willing to cast aside our silence for the hate of his new least favorite person, my doctor.
"All he did was examine me! You need to grow up!" I shot him an angry glare, but I couldn't stifle the embarrassed blush that was caused by playing out our argument in front of the rest of the crew. I really hated to lay my private life out where everyone could see it, and I decided to get out of the room before things got any worse. I stood up and shot him a furious look before turning to leave, but Spike was right behind me, unwilling to cut our argument off in the middle. For us, it usually couldn't end until someone was in tears or seriously injured. Or until Jet broke it up.
"Hey! Don't just run away cause you know I'm right!" Spike was right behind me, and he pulled at my arm with a sharp yank that threw my balance off so badly I thought I'd fall over for a moment in the narrow hallway that led to our rooms. However, he caught me and held me by the arms, looking down at me in irritation. "You can't just ignore me."
"Watch me." I shot back, trying to pull away, but his grip was like a vice. I suddenly remembered a very different time in this hallway; so long ago I had all but forgotten. In my towel…I attacked him…he kissed me. I felt a twinge of fear and exhilaration. What did he intend to do?
"Why are you acting like this?" he wanted to know, his voice soft and harsh all at once, the tone so low that I barely caught it even though I was inches from his face.
"Like what?" I wasn't sure what he was asking, and maybe he wasn't either. So instead of answering, he just pushed me against the wall and pressed an insistent kiss to my lips. After a few shocked moments, he pulled away, staring at me as though he was looking for some sort of reaction. Whatever it was that he wanted, though, it would have to wait. I had some more pressing matters to attend to at the moment, it seemed.
"Faye?" he must have seen the way all the color drained from my face, the panic and worry written there as clearly as though I had the words printed on my face for the whole world to see. "Faye…are you okay?"
"I…we…tell Jet." I was having a hard time communicating at the moment, but in my defense I was pretty surprised. Of all the moments, it had to be this time, when everything else was drawing close together and I was wound up so tight I felt as though I might snap. Maybe, for a second I did snap. But Spike's hands squeezing my shoulders brought me back to reality. I was in a situation where I couldn't afford to space out. Things were serious, now.
"Tell Jet what?" Spike was utterly confused as I leaned forward, unsure whether I could stand on my own at that moment, my legs were so weak from the shock. Pressing my face to his chest, I found the strength to speak.
"My water just broke." I told him, a waver in my voice betraying the nervousness that wracked my mind even as I leaned against Spike for support. "We need to go to the hospital. It's time."
Spike's reply was a few moments in coming, and his voice was nearly a squawk of dismay. "Time?"
"Yeah. The baby's coming." I confirmed, and it was as though something clicked into place. It didn't matter what disagreements we had, or what had happened between us to make things increasingly awkward. Spike and I were in the same boat at that moment, and we knew that if either of us let go, we'd sink. So we held on. And hoped to everything that Jet would take the news a lot more calmly than either of us did.
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"Faye, we really need to talk." Spike was holding my hand, and at any other time I might have been incredibly romanced and enchanted by the affectionate gesture. But at this time, my body was going through the grueling process of labor, whereby a hole the size of a pea adjusts itself to allow the passage of something about the size of a watermelon. It's not a happy time, and it's not a time for sappy talk or touchy-feely handholding.
"No, no we don't." I assured him, hissing through clenched teeth as sweat beaded up on my face. A nurse reached over to wipe my brow dutifully before handing me a glass of water, which I downed in one gulp before thrusting back at her. She angered me. I think it was because she kept smiling and was not in any sort of discomfort at the moment. Some women have all the luck.
"How's it going in here?" Doctor Galen entered, looking as calm and patient as ever.
"This sucks." I informed him immediately. "Is it really going to hurt more than this?" I wanted to know. Spike actually had the audacity to snort at this.
"You've taken a bullet and you can't handle something like this?" he wanted to know. I squeezed his hand as hard as humanly possible. Probably a little harder than that. I was pretty angry at the moment, and he was the main source of my anger. Stupid impregnator. Damn him and his seductive ways. He was even hot right then! Being all sensitive…well, sensitive for Spike, I suppose. I hated him so much.
"You try it, asshole." I gritted the words out as I clenched down even tighter, courtesy of the extra pain of my latest contraction. They were seemingly right on top of each other, and Doctor Galen was down between my legs in a way that had Spike looking ready to shoot him, but I think my death glare put an end to his homicidal urges as he simply concentrated on trying to get me to loosen up on his hand.
"We seem to be just about ready to push. You up to it, Faye?" Doctor Galen was so cheery that I wanted to shoot him, so I had to breath deeply and remind myself that shooting the doctor would not make the situation better.
"It's coming now? We don't even have a name picked." Spike protested weakly, and out of my pure anger toward him, I sucked in a huge breath and pushed as hard as I possibly could. Big mistake.
"Holy shit!" Those were the first two audible words I got out after a wordless, completely undignified shriek of pain. But really, when your feet are up in stirrups and you're wearing one of those paper gowns, holding hands with the one person you hate the most in the world at that moment, it's really hard to be concerned with dignity. Plus, it hurt like hell.
"Ah…okay then. That was definitely a good one." Doctor Galen was out of sight now, blocked from view by my gown, which was slowly bunching back down around my upper thighs. As I said before, total loss of dignity. "Well, now that you're this far…push again."
"Again? Are you crazy? There's no way I'm doing that again." I argued, but then a contraction hit, and I discovered that even though it hurt to push, it hurt almost as much to not push when I was so close to crowning. "Fuck!"
"I told you to push. The baby has to come out eventually. The more you cooperate, the quicker it will be done with." Doctor Galen told me patiently. It occurred to me at that moment that there were at least three other nurses in the room. They all seemed to be doing things, but it was just making the room crowded and hotter. I was a very unhappy woman in labor. And I wanted Spike to suffer so much. So without warning, I pushed down, clenching all my muscles and concentrating especially hard on squeezing his hand. I heard a couple joints pop, but whether they were mine or not, I couldn't tell. He looked extremely pale, so that was good.
"I hate you so much right now." I hissed before pushing again at the doctor's cue. Spike's eyes goggled, though I really doubted that he took me seriously. He was probably just really sick of having his hand crushed into oblivion by my suddenly much stronger grip. I couldn't have been more pleased with his suffering at that moment. It almost made the pain bearable as I pushed again and again, glaring at Spike with a pure, unrestrained anger that I'd never felt before. Why the hell had he done this to me? I was sure it was all a plot to make me feel the worst pain that had ever existed.
"When this is done…I'm killing you." I was completely serious when I said it. You have to understand that I had reached a point where I wasn't even screaming anymore, it hurt that bad. The screaming just didn't do justice to how I felt, and it was really starting to strain my throat. I wanted my voice for yelling at Spike, so I just dedicated myself to squeezing Spike's hand until it fell off. At this point, it seemed completely possible to me. I hurt so badly that I was sure I would never be able to walk or do much of anything after the damn baby was finally born. It was so much worse than I had expected, and all I could do was shift my surprise to anger. And there was really only one person to be angry with. That damnable Spike Spiegel and his damn look of concern. It was obviously fake. He wanted me to suffer, I knew it! Why else would any human being allow this to happen to another?
"Faye!" The doctor was yelling my name, and I'd been so lost in my anger that I hadn't heard him. "Faye, you can stop already!"
"It's…out?" The concept took a moment or two to sink in, and the look on Spike's face was utterly priceless. I can hardly describe it, but it was a mixture of horror, surprise, and excitement that I doubt I will ever have the pleasure of seeing again. And that's when it all came flooding back into me. The pain and the anxiety and the sudden indescribable joy. The baby…after all this time. It was really there! "Can I see it?"
"Congratulations." Doctor Galen was handed a bundle that one of the nurses had obviously just cleaned and swaddled, and he handed it to me. "It's a healthy baby boy."
Now, I was near delirium for the entirety of the birth. To this day, Spike tells the story as though it was hours of pushing and cursing and verbal abuse on my part, but I don't really remember that much. I do remember, however, the first moment I saw my son's face. I was crying, and I didn't even realize it until there was a splash on the beautiful pink face below me. I swear that he was the single most adorable thing I had ever seen, and it took my breath away. I couldn't even believe that we had made something so perfect.
"He's beautiful…" I whispered, probably sounding idiotic after all the blubbering I was doing over the poor, as of yet unnamed child. But Spike didn't tease me. He didn't make a joke at my expense, or even say something about boy's not being beautiful. He kissed my forehead, and it seemed just as natural as though we had been together for the longest time. He was leaning over me to see the baby better, and when he finally did speak, all he could say was almost exactly how I felt.
"This is it." He breathed, staring at the baby like it was the solution to all the problems in the universe. "This is the best thing I've ever done."
So I didn't hate him anymore. I loved him. But I couldn't ruin such a perfect moment by saying it. I just couldn't. So I stayed there, holding my baby and letting Spike lean over both of us, his arm curled around my head so he could get closer. I didn't want it to end, but the nurses came to make sure I got my rest, taking away the boy and shooing Spike from the room so I could sleep after a quick post-natal exam. Spike lingered, however, and it seemed as though we both felt like something needed to be said. But at a moment like that, what can you say, really?
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"So, does it have a name yet?" Jet wanted to know as Ed bounced on the other side of my bed, trying to get as close to the baby as possible. Spike lingered at the window, watching over us both so carefully I felt sure that he really could be a good father. The baby had been born the previous afternoon, and even though it was early in the morning, I had really wanted to let Jet and Ed see the baby. They were my family, too, after all.
"Not yet." I admitted. "We actually never got around to boy names." I told the older man.
"When will it open it's eyes?" Ed was utterly fascinated with the tiny infant, and I couldn't help but smile at her. I had asked the same question when Doctor Galen had last visited.
"Probably soon. Before we go home, I'm sure. We have to name it before we leave, though." I told them.
"Any ideas, Spike?" Jet asked, smiling at the other man perched on the windowsill.
"Not any good ones, apparently." Spike was very bitter that I wasn't naming the child anything ridiculous or cheesy. He thought all my names were pansy though, so he could just shut the hell up.
"We're working on it." I told Jet sheepishly. "I know we'll find something we can agree on soon."
"Well, it's a really good looking baby. You two must be really proud." He told us, a kind of pride in his own voice at the fact that everything seemed to be alright with our baby. He probably thought it was the oatmeal that had saved it.
"We are." Spike affirmed so matter of factly that I was shocked. He had come in with Jet and Ed an hour ago when visiting hours started, but he had said very little. I had thought he was still angry about the endless name debate of the night before, but the way he was looking at me…it wasn't angry. And it actually scared me just a little. Jet gave me a long hard look before turning and heading for the door with a slightly unwilling Ed.
"Well…we've been here long enough. I'm sure you're tired." He turned to leave and Ed waved back enthusiastically before I could say anything. And then we were alone. Well, the baby was still there, but other than that, we were alone.
"We still need to talk." Spike told me, his voice so utterly calm I was frankly terrified and confused all at once.
"About what?" I wanted to know. "I've got a couple new ideas for a name…"
"Not that." He cut me off. "About us."
"And the baby?" I added.
"No. Just us." He told me, coming over to sit next to my bed.
"But Spike…it can't just be us, no matter what. This baby's too important for that." I insisted. I think that I knew where the conversation was headed and I was just trying to stop it from getting there.
"Don't screw around Faye, I'm serious. I know the kid's important. You think I don't know that? You think I don't care about it just like you do?" He wanted to know, but he didn't really give me time to answer. "Faye, I don't want there to be any misunderstandings here, so you need to know that no matter how much I love that kid, you're something entirely different."
"I…know." That didn't make it hurt less.
"And I'm in love with you."
*****
The End (Of Chapter 15, That Is)