The fall of a sparrow
by: Jessica
"To be alive"
---------------
The only sound that pierces the silence of this room is the sound
of her breathing, ebb and flow.
She is sleeping now.
I know that I should wake her but I haven't the heart to do it.
She came this morning.
She came to me with flowers and a smile painting her face.
My life has become an endless row of doctors giving me their
opinion of my miracle awakening.
For every day that passes I grow stronger and stronger.
She is the only thing that is constant in my life.
She comes every day.
We talk.
We laugh.
We never mention the past.
But I can see in her eyes the longing for forgiveness.
I forgave her the moment I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there.
We haven't talked about Ben and I haven't dared to ask.
I try to ignore it but it still there like a huge wall that
keeps us apart.
I've tried to put memories aside.
I have tried to bury them deep within my heart, convinced
that it will only cause me pain.
But some nights, when I lay in the dark, I take them out and
hold them up towards the light and I let my heart remember.
It's a painful thing.
But it's a pain that I can take.
I remember the feel of her lips against mine.
The feel of her hand against my skin.
She granted me the sense of completeness when she let my hold her.
Now, I'm broken in two.
And I'm lost again.
It feels like I'm lingering in between awake and asleep.
I keep longing for her until my heart aches in my chest.
There are so many things I want to tell her but I fear that
my words will drive her away from me.
So I keep quiet and I try to be content with just being close to her.
But as I watch her now I can't help but crave to touch her.
Just to feel the warmth of her skin against mine.
I rise from the bed without waking her.
Night has fallen outside my window.
I kneel down beside her chair.
My heart is beating like crazy in my chest.
It feels like my hands are on fire.
How can something be so beautiful?
It's a beauty that has so much power over me that it scares me
sometimes.
It's a love that consumes every part of me.
That leaves me gasping for more.
I know that I should let go.
She will not be mine.
But still I linger here, beside her, drinking her beauty.
Why can't I just let go?
Then maybe I will survive this.
My hands tremble as I stroke her cheek.
Her skin feels like velvet under my hand.
And as she slowly open her eyes the truth hits me with full force.
The truth is that I will not be standing when this fight is over.
And I'm not sure I want to.
Her blue eyes meet mine and I smile.
She whispers my name and sits up.
My name on her lips is like a serenade from heaven.
"What time is it?"
"It's late..."
I want to say something to stop her from leaving.
But I know that I have no right to hold her back.
"You should be in bed..."
She takes my hand and it feels like current
is running through my veins.
"I'm not tired...."
"But the doctors said..."
"I don't care about them.."
"You need to get well."
"I'm already better."
"Jess, please..."
"They said that they would let me go tomorrow."
"They did?"
"Yes."
I want to ask her to wait for me but fear has a hold of my heart
so I hold my tongue.
"That's great!!"
She throws her arms around me and her resounding laugh warms
my heart.
I hold her tight while her laugh fades to black.
I don't want to let go.
I want to stay like that.
And never let go.
Finally I let her go and she smiles at me.
"I should be going..."
She rises and starts to go towards the door.
I want to cry out to her to stay.
But I keep quiet.
She opens the door slowly and stops in the doorway.
She looks back at me and says:
"I'm glad you're back, Jess...."
Then with a smile she is gone.
The door slowly closes behind her.
The darkness of the night surrounds me and I stand there
in the middle of the room while my heart is pounding like crazy.
And for a brief moment I dare to dream of a life
so out of reach.
............................................
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
by: Jessica
"To be alive"
---------------
The only sound that pierces the silence of this room is the sound
of her breathing, ebb and flow.
She is sleeping now.
I know that I should wake her but I haven't the heart to do it.
She came this morning.
She came to me with flowers and a smile painting her face.
My life has become an endless row of doctors giving me their
opinion of my miracle awakening.
For every day that passes I grow stronger and stronger.
She is the only thing that is constant in my life.
She comes every day.
We talk.
We laugh.
We never mention the past.
But I can see in her eyes the longing for forgiveness.
I forgave her the moment I opened my eyes and saw her sitting there.
We haven't talked about Ben and I haven't dared to ask.
I try to ignore it but it still there like a huge wall that
keeps us apart.
I've tried to put memories aside.
I have tried to bury them deep within my heart, convinced
that it will only cause me pain.
But some nights, when I lay in the dark, I take them out and
hold them up towards the light and I let my heart remember.
It's a painful thing.
But it's a pain that I can take.
I remember the feel of her lips against mine.
The feel of her hand against my skin.
She granted me the sense of completeness when she let my hold her.
Now, I'm broken in two.
And I'm lost again.
It feels like I'm lingering in between awake and asleep.
I keep longing for her until my heart aches in my chest.
There are so many things I want to tell her but I fear that
my words will drive her away from me.
So I keep quiet and I try to be content with just being close to her.
But as I watch her now I can't help but crave to touch her.
Just to feel the warmth of her skin against mine.
I rise from the bed without waking her.
Night has fallen outside my window.
I kneel down beside her chair.
My heart is beating like crazy in my chest.
It feels like my hands are on fire.
How can something be so beautiful?
It's a beauty that has so much power over me that it scares me
sometimes.
It's a love that consumes every part of me.
That leaves me gasping for more.
I know that I should let go.
She will not be mine.
But still I linger here, beside her, drinking her beauty.
Why can't I just let go?
Then maybe I will survive this.
My hands tremble as I stroke her cheek.
Her skin feels like velvet under my hand.
And as she slowly open her eyes the truth hits me with full force.
The truth is that I will not be standing when this fight is over.
And I'm not sure I want to.
Her blue eyes meet mine and I smile.
She whispers my name and sits up.
My name on her lips is like a serenade from heaven.
"What time is it?"
"It's late..."
I want to say something to stop her from leaving.
But I know that I have no right to hold her back.
"You should be in bed..."
She takes my hand and it feels like current
is running through my veins.
"I'm not tired...."
"But the doctors said..."
"I don't care about them.."
"You need to get well."
"I'm already better."
"Jess, please..."
"They said that they would let me go tomorrow."
"They did?"
"Yes."
I want to ask her to wait for me but fear has a hold of my heart
so I hold my tongue.
"That's great!!"
She throws her arms around me and her resounding laugh warms
my heart.
I hold her tight while her laugh fades to black.
I don't want to let go.
I want to stay like that.
And never let go.
Finally I let her go and she smiles at me.
"I should be going..."
She rises and starts to go towards the door.
I want to cry out to her to stay.
But I keep quiet.
She opens the door slowly and stops in the doorway.
She looks back at me and says:
"I'm glad you're back, Jess...."
Then with a smile she is gone.
The door slowly closes behind her.
The darkness of the night surrounds me and I stand there
in the middle of the room while my heart is pounding like crazy.
And for a brief moment I dare to dream of a life
so out of reach.
............................................
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se