The fall of a sparrow
"When you love somebody.."
by: Jessica
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"I won't fear love....."
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To say that I was prepared for the storm that came
would be a lie.
But I did sense it, though.
Maybe I knew it would happen eventually.
I just chose to ignore it.
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He stood in the middle of my living room with a suitcase
by his side.
Two days had passed since they let him go from the hospital.
He stood strong and tall.
He had come to say goodbye.
Jess Mariano was walking out of my life.
Just like that.
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm leaving."
"But you just left the hospital."
"They need me in Chicago."
"What is in Chicago?"
"My life."
I know that I had no right to hold him back.
"But what about...?"
My words faded to black.
"What?"
"Nothing."
He moved towards me.
"I just thought you..would stay this time."
"Rory.."
"NO, it's okay. I'm getting used to you leaving."
"That's not fair, Rory. And you know it."
Our eyes met.
"Don't talk to me like I'm a child."
"Stop acting like one then."
Anger filled me as I looked at him now.
This man that had so much power over me.
He held the key to the shackles that still held me down.
"Why did you come here if you already made up your mind?"
"I wanted to say goodbye."
"Goodbyes have never been your thing."
"I want to change that..."
He moved towards me.
I didn't run this time.
I had no right to hold him back but every part of me screamed out
to make him stay.
I feared that he could see the truth in my eyes so I avoided
looking at him.
I kept remembering another day like this.
When I had broken his heart.
Maybe this wasn't letting go.
Maybe I let him go long before that.
He took my hand and said:
"Rory, look at me."
I lifted my head and met his gaze.
I stood strong.
Refusing to crumble under his touch.
"Why don't you just leave, Jess? Why are you determined to torture
me so?"
"Ror..."
"Don't call me that..."
"What am I suppose to call you?"
"Nothing."
"Don't say that."
"What do you want from me, Jess?"
I broke free from his touch and moved away.
His eyes were dark as he once again moved towards me.
"Don't you know that by now, Rory?"
"No.."
"All I ever wanted...All I ever wanted is ...you...."
His words faded to black.
I stopped and our eyes met.
His eyes held all the promises for the future and something in
me wanted to reach out my hand and take it.
"I know that you're engaged..So..I will leave and...."
"Ben..He left me..He found out about..."
"Ror..."
He reached for me but I moved away.
"Don't, Jess."
"Don't what? I just...."
"Just don't okay..."
"I wanted to say that I'm sorry."
He was close now but I hadn't the strength to move away.
His hand touched my cheek and made me look at him.
"I can't, Jess. I just can't..."
"All I ever wanted is you. I will do anything..."
"Don't you understand. Can't you see it?"
"What?"
"I don't know how to believe in you again."
"Rory.."
"It's just if I let go, if I let you in, then I would be
totally vulnerable. And I would lose myself in you. And then
you will find some reason to leave and I would...die..."
"No. It wouldn't be like that."
"Then what would it be like, Jess? Long walks on the beach, holding
hands. I don't think so.."
"All I want is a second chance."
"I don't know if I'm ready to let you...."
"I will do anything to..."
"Can you imagine the way it felt when I got the news that you had
left?"
"I thought we talked about this..."
"No, you talked..You never did hear me..."
"All I can say is that I'm sorry for what I did back then..."
"You broke me...You ripped everything apart...."
"I know. Don't you think I know that?"
"You were coward! Such a coward. You couldn't even say goodbye..."
"I know...I didn't want to make the same mistake now."
"What right do you have to come into my life once again and
expect me to crumble for you? I had everything. I had a man
that loved me and that I loved and you just...Ruined everything.."
"That's not fair!"
"Fair! You want to talk about fair. Was it fair to be promised
a prom with the boy you loved and then nothing? Was it fair to not
get any explanation for you leaving? Not even goodbye. Did I mean
so little to you that you didn't even say goodbye?"
"Don't say that."
"It's the truth, isn't it?"
"How can you say that? I did everything for you...I loved you...God..
I fell in love with you the moment I saw you. And I went through
hell watching you with him! I wanted you so badly and I couldn't
have you! So don't talk to me about pain, cause I know..."
"No, I don't think you know what you did. I trusted you. I gave
you everything. I loved you for God's sake. I never loved anyone
the way I loved you....And you just chose to throw it all away
like it meant nothing."
"It meant everything to me! Don't you know that? I never loved
anyone the way I loved you. It made me crazy. It made me fly. God, I never
felt anything so strong. But it also made me see who I really was."
"What are you talking about?"
"You were going to Yale. You attended Chilton. You were so smart.
You had a bright future. And I..."
"You could have become what ever you wanted..."
"Working at Wal-Mart, huh?"
"You didn't even tell me that you had trouble in school and about
not graduating."
"Would you have been proud of me? Everyone in town saw me
as a loser and that would only be another 'I told you so'."
"Not for me. I never saw you as anything but the boy I fell in love
with."
"I failed everyone. I couldn't face them, okay. I had no reason to
stay, after that."
"No reason, huh. No reason? WHAT ABOUT ME!?"
"Tell me what should I have done? Luke practically threw me out
on the street."
"You should have swallowed your fucking pride and gone back to school!"
"What good could possible come from me going back to school?"
"Then you wouldn't have to leave and we..us..would still be..."
"I don't know how to make you understand."
"Understand, what? About school? About Jimmy? About what exactly?"
"Everything."
"How can I understand when you never told me?"
"I just couldn't..."
"Jimmy, your father came back into your life and you couldn't tell
me..."
"We were not on speaking terms then.."
"But still, you should have told me...I was your girlfriend..And
you just..."
"I know. But understand...they wouldn't let me graduate and when
he came back..It was a way out. It was the only way out!"
"Coward."
Tears filled my eyes.
"I'm sorry, Rory...For everything....."
"No, Jess. You're not sorry..."
"Yes, I am. I regret ever hurting you."
"Fuck you. Who died and made you God!?"
"Don't say that Rory."
"Coward. That's what you are! And now you come here..Seven years
too late and expect me fall to my feet...We had one night...
One night..That was all I needed to get you out of my system."
"I don't believe that."
"I don't care what you believe."
I turned away from him.
I hated myself for showing my weakness.
For crumbling.
"Rory, please..."
"Just, go..Jess. I don't care anymore..."
"I refuse to believe that."
"I don't care..."
He moved fast and turned me towards him.
His eyes seemed to be on fire as they met mine.
"Don't lie to me, Rory."
"I don't lie."
"Then why can I see something in your eyes?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Look me in the eyes and tell me to go."
"LEAVE!"
"I don't believe you."
Then he kissed me.
It wasn't like before.
This was burning hot.
He pulled me towards him and with his lips he devoured me.
He ran tongue against my lips.
A dance that whispered to me to open up and let him in.
Apart of me screamed out to stand my ground.
To stand strong for coming storm.
But I fell.
And fell hard.
With a sigh I fell.
As our tongues met all sanity went out the window.
I didn't care anymore about what was proper.
All I knew was the feeling inside that felt so right.
His hands found their way under my shirt and touched
the sensitive skin on my back.
I fell towards him.
Drowned in him.
He had no mercy as his hands danced upon my skin, starting
small fires in my belly.
We broke away as oxygen was needed.
His eyes were two dark fires as they pierced into me.
Like some hero in a book he lifted me up on strong arms
and carried me to the bed.
All I saw was him.
I wanted him.
All of him.
If it only was for one night.
Then I would settle for one night.
I wanted him inside me, all around of me.
I wanted to drown in the sweet sensation of having him
in my arms.
I wanted his hands on my body.
So when he came to me, like a tiger in the night,
I welcomed him without question.
And as he entered me that night I cried out his name
to the heavens and prayed that he would be there when I woke up.
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