The fall of a sparrow
by: Jessica
"Broken road"
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The lampposts outside the window flickers and comes to life
as the night comes rolling in.
The bags are all packed.
I'm ready now.
She will come home soon.
She will come through that door and find me here ready to
once again walk away from her.
I will be strong this time and not fall.
I have to be strong otherwise I will surely die.
I'm not running this time.
I have no choice this time around.
This is the best thing for both of us.
For once in my life I'm doing what's right.
I just wish it wouldn't hurt so.
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One day earlier
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To say that I was ready for it would be a lie.
But I did see it coming, though.
I knew that I would have to face it eventually.
I just didn't expect it to happen so fast.
He came to me with sadness in his eyes and hopeful words.
He came to beg me.
To have mercy on his heart.
He came to my door like a broken man.
I knew who he was before he told me.
He was Ben.
Ben Cooper.
Rory's Ben.
He was nothing like I imagined.
"Can I come in?"
His voice was darker, deeper, than I had imagined.
"What are you doing here?"
"I didn't come here to pick a fight if that's what you're worried about."
"Then what?"
"I just want to talk to you."
"How did you find me?"
"I have my ways."
"What possible thing could we have to talk about?"
"Come on. Just let me in. I will not start anything..."
He stood before me pleading and something inside me surrendered
as our eyes met.
"Okay.."
I let him into the safety of my hotel room.
I could smell the alcohol on him as he walked past me.
He sat down on the couch.
He was dressed in jeans, t-shirt and dark jacket.
He seemed like he hadn't shaved for days and his hair was in a mess.
I sat down opposite him.
"So, speak..."
"I just wanted to meet you..."
I rose.
Anger filled me.
But also shame.
I had hurt him.
"If you just came here for that then you might as well leave."
"Can't a man face its superior...."
I moved towards the door.
"Get out. I don't need to hear this crap!"
"What do you want to hear?"
"LEAVE!"
He rose from the couch and looked at me.
"You won, Jess. I don't know how you did it. Tell me how you did it.
I have tried to figure that out. Do you have some magic potion
that you spread around?"
"LEAVE NOW! I don't need to hear this bull-shit!"
"I'm just wondering, because I loved her...."
"I SWEAR TO GOD! I WILL CALL THE COPS ON YOUR SORRY ASS!"
I moved towards him.
Anger filling me.
Shame.
I had caused all the pain that shimmered out from this man.
"Do it...I don't care..."
He didn't back away as I approached him.
My hand in a fist.
I wanted to hit him.
The emotion came suddenly and ran through my veins like poison.
I wanted him out of my life.
Away from my heart.
I wanted to erase the guilt that kept eating at my heart.
"Just leave, that's all I'm asking...."
My words faded to black.
"I just wanted to ask you...."
"Ask me what?"
I stood so close now that I could almost pick up on the dark cloud
of sorrow that seemed to surround this man.
"Do you love her?"
"Of course I do....."
"Because I did. I do...More than life..and you took her away."
"This is not some book and you're not the hero and I'm the bad guy.
I didn't take anything that didn't want to be taken."
"You just swept into our life, just like that...She had told me about
you. Did you know that? She told me about the mighty Jess Mariano."
"Look, man..I don't need this right now..."
"Just hear me out..."
"I've heard enough..."
"All I wanted was to see the mighty Jess Mariano."
"That's it! LEAVE!"
I grabbed him by the shoulders and pushed him towards the door.
Guilt ripped through me as he stumbled towards the door.
He stopped and looked at me.
"What do you have that I don't have? What did I do that was so wrong?
Didn't I love her enough, huh? What is so fucking great with Jess
Mariano, huh?"
I moved towards him.
Anger.
Rage.
Shame.
Guilt.
Remorse.
All those feelings ran through me as I moved towards this man.
"LEAVE NOW! OR I SWEAR TO GOD THAT I'LL..."
"What? What will you do? What will the mighty Jess Mariano do to
me that hasn't been done, huh? Do you think you can hurt me?"
He put his arms out and laughed at me.
"I'm invincible. Nothing can hurt me anymore...BRING IT ON! I say."
"You're drunk... You're pitiful, man!"
I pushed him towards the door.
He stumbled backwards.
"What makes you so fucking great, huh? You left her for god's sake.
You left without a word and not even a phone call, not even a letter..."
"Shut up!"
"Yeah, I know..She told me. She told me all about the heartache of
the young Rory Gilmore's life. She told me how much she hated you...
Yeah, I said hate...Because she did...She admitted it to me...What
did you think? Roses all the way, huh? HAH..."
"Shut the fuck up!"
I fumbled with the doorknob.
"You were a fucking loser, a punk! And now..Are you better now?
Do you really think people can change because I don't think you can."
The door to my hotel room flew up and I pushed him out into the
hallway.
His eyes were still fixed at me.
He kept haunting me.
Breaking me.
Killing me.
"You were nothing...And look at you now! Living in a shabby hotel room,
for god's sake! What will you live on, huh? Her salary...Her money..
Just like you......Listen to me. People don't change. Trust me,
I know....You will break her heart. Maybe not tomorrow,
maybe not next week..But you will hurt her. You will break her heart.
It's in your nature. And when you do..I will be there to pick up
the pieces!"
I saw red.
I punched him.
He went down with a cry.
I leaned down and yelled:
"SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT!!!!!!"
He rose on weak legs.
Blood coming from a cut on his lip.
His eyes were dark as they met mine.
"Oh, I know...I know a lot of things...I know you, Jess. Listen to
me...People don't change.....Remember that."
Then he turned around and walked away from me.
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I stood there a long time in the doorway to my room with
trembling hands.
Eventually I moved inside and closed the door behind me.
My hand still hurt after punching him.
I moved towards the couch and sat down.
His words kept ringing in my ear.
Maybe I brought this on myself.
His words kept eating at my heart, causing my walls to crumble.
Maybe, just maybe, he was right.
Maybe I would just cause her pain in the end.
Maybe she was better off.
And as the sun set outside the window I started to believe.
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