The fall of a sparrow
by: Jessica
"To end all heartache"
-------------------
"Take your hands off me, hey
I don't belong to you, you see
Take them in off my face, for the last time
I never knew you, you never knew me."
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How do you prepare your heart for pain?
Is there some way you can shield it from the coming storm that
surely will hit you?
Or do you just let it happen and pray that you will be
standing in the end?
For me it was never a way to shield my heart from the coming pain.
I brought it on myself.
I might as well have run a knife through my own heart.
The only thing that I can say is that I never saw it coming.
And for a few days, even weeks, I was happy.
-------------------------
The suitcase was once again packed.
It stood by the door, marking my intention here tonight.
The darkness of this apartment surrounded me as the silence
was pierced by the sound of a key turning and a door opening.
The darkness was chased away by a sudden gleam of light.
I blinked towards the light.
She was standing in the doorway to the living room.
She was smiling.
That would be the last time she smiled at me.
That thought hit me like a bucket of cold water.
"What are you doing sitting in the dark? You scared the shit out
of me!"
"Sorry."
I rose.
She walked towards me, smiling.
She leaned in and I inhaled her scent as she kissed me.
"It's nice to have you here, though."
I wanted to touch her.
The need to hold her came suddenly and I almost wrapped my arms
around her but I pushed it aside.
She turned towards the door to head to the kitchen.
And then she saw it.
The suitcase.
She walked over and picked it up.
She turned her lovely face towards me and looked at me.
"What is this doing here?"
"It's mine."
"I know that."
"It's just..."
"Jess?"
She put it down and looked at me.
"I have to go."
"What do you mean have to go?"
"I just need to leave."
"Jess, what are you talking about? I just..We just..."
I could see the confusion and the fear in her eyes.
She was falling.
"I'm going back to Chicago."
"But you just said..I thought that things were alright between us."
"They are."
"Then why are you leaving!?"
"I can't tell you!"
"I knew it! I knew this would happen!"
She turned away from me.
Pain flashed over her face.
I moved towards her.
"It's nothing like that..."
"Then what?!!"
"I can't tell you..."
"You're running again. Just like before. I truly thought things would
be different this time around. I believed in all those nice words
you said. How foolish am I, huh?"
"No, Rory. You have to believe that I meant everything I said."
"Then, what!? Why won't you tell me? Why won't you stay with me?"
"Believe me, there is nothing I would rather do."
"I don't understand."
"There's nothing to understand."
"Then why would you come here? You could have just left. That's
your style."
"Don't be like that. I came to say goodbye."
"We went through this before. Remember?"
"I remember."
"So everything you said. Everything you whispered to me was a lie?"
"No, of course not."
"You promised me you'd stay."
"I know."
Tears marked her face as she looked at me.
"Then what Jess? Why won't you tell me? Why won't you explain?"
"Because I can't..."
The pain ripped through me like knife tearing at my soul.
"Why?"
"Because I don't want to hurt you.."
"Don't you know, you already have..."
"Rory, no!"
"You have broken my heart with your silence...."
"Don't say that."
"Then tell me."
"I don't..I can't...."
"Just tell me, please. I have to know. Was it something I did?"
"Of course not."
"Then what?"
"I'm going to be a father."
She stood there looking at me with those eyes.
"What!? What are you talking about?"
"I never told you..."
"Told me what?"
"I never told you about Lucy."
"Lucy, who?"
"She was my girlfriend."
"O, my god!"
She turned away from me.
Tears marking her face.
"Rory, hear me out..."
I moved towards her and reached out my hand to touch her.
She turned around and looked at me.
"DON'T TOUCH ME! You lied to me!"
"I never lied..."
"You just happen to leave out the part of having a girlfriend!"
"It was over..."
"You left her."
"No, I never did leave her. It was over long before I came here..."
"But she is pregnant?"
"Yeah..We had one night and...."
"And you are going to be a father?"
"Yeah...."
"How far along is she?"
"Three, four months..."
"And you never knew?"
"No, she came to me..this morning and.."
"This morning but..."
"She claimed that she had been trying to find me...."
"And you just left without a word..."
"It wasn't like that at all..."
"Well, tell me how it was then?"
"I needed to see you.."
"You ran."
"No of course not. I never knew that she was pregnant."
"And now she has found you. And you can all live like one happy
family...."
"Rory, please..."
"What? What do you want me to say?"
"Anything."
"Why did you come here? Why didn't you just leave? Then maybe..."
"I wanted to explain. I wanted you to see..."
"See what?"
"That I can't walk away this time..."
Her eyes met mine.
"The child needs a father..."
"Exactly."
"So, where does that leave us?"
"She needs me, Rory."
"I need you."
"I can't walk away this time...I just...That would be proving to
everyone..."
"Proving what?"
"That I'm a loser...No one..That I'm bad news."
"I have never thought about you like that."
"You're the only one."
"Don't say that..."
"It's the truth. If I walk away from this child now, then I would
be just like Jimmy."
"So you're just going to give everything up."
"You don't know how hard it is to walk away.."
"Then, stay..."
"I can't do that and you know that.."
"I'm being selfish, I know. But I need you..I need you be able
to breathe..."
"Rory, please..."
"I don't know how to let you go..."
"Then come with me..."
"I can't.."
"Of course you can."
"My life is here. You could ask her to move here to Boston. Or
you could stay and visit on weekends and holidays.."
"I can't do that. He's my child. I want to be there for everything..."
"So, there's nothing left for us then...."
"I'm begging you. Come with me!"
"I can't. And I can't believe what you're asking me to do."
"I'm asking you to come with me. To stay with me...To be with me.."
"And I would have to give up everything."
"But we would be together."
"At what cost?"
"Don't say that, Ror.."
"Maybe we would be happy a month, two months..A year. But I would never
be settled with giving up everything just because..."
"So you are willing to give me up. Just like that...."
"No. Of course not. But don't you understand what you're asking me
to do?"
"I'm asking you to come with me..."
"And give up everything. All my dreams, everything that I have
built up here..."
"We can build a life in Chicago."
"We can build a life here also."
"But.. I can't leave them...That wouldn't be fair for either of you.."
"So, you've already made up your mind..."
"What do you want me to do!?"
"I want you to fight for us!"
"I'm fighting."
"Then why can't you ask her to come here!"
"Her whole life is in Chicago. Her friends, her family...."
"So, that's it. You will just give up..."
"God, how can you say that? How can you stand there thinking it's
easy to give you up?"
"You're acting that way..."
"It breaks my heart even thinking about it. But what can I do?
I have to chose between an unborn child and you."
"Guess I lost..."
I moved towards her.
She smelled of shampoo and coffee.
Her skin felt like velvet as I touched her cheek and made her look
at me.
"I can't walk away knowing you hate me..."
Her eyes met mine.
Her tears wet my fingers.
"I could never hate you...You're Jess..."
"God, how can I say goodbye to you? I thought I could. It's just
a word...But.."
"This can't be goodbye...You can't just walk away again, without.."
"I can't have you both. I wish I could but..."
"I know...But please tell me that you will come back. I would wait.."
"I could never ask you to do that..."
"Please, ask me..Please, Jess. Tell me that you're coming back to me.."
"I can't do that...That wouldn't be fair..."
"Is this fair, huh? Telling me how much you love me and then up and
leave a week later."
"I never meant to hurt you..."
"But you did."
"I wish I could reach inside your heart and mend it."
"But you can't. You have made your choice and we both have to
live with that...."
"I love you, Rory. Don't forget that..."
"Don't say that and think it will fix everything for all it does
is opening a much bigger hole."
"I don't know what to do..."
"Just say goodbye..."
Tears made my sight blurry as I leaned my forehead against hers.
Rory.
My beautiful Rory.
So this was the end for us.
I had made my choice.
A choice that brought with it heartache.
And there was nothing I could do to take it back.
I would give her up and sacrifice everything for another.
It's a painful thing to feel your heart being ripped apart.
I wondered if she could hear it.
"I can't...."
My words were barely a whisper.
"You have to.."
I pulled away from her and framed her face between my hands.
I drank her beauty, wanting to remember everything.
I wanted to remember every line of her face.
The gold in her eyes.
Everything.
"Goodbye, Rory Gilmore."
Then I kissed her.
I wanted to taste her one last time.
To remember how it felt to have her in my arms.
The feel of her lips against mine.
Her scent on me.
I wanted to burn her touch into my skin forever.
So I drowned myself in her.
She clung to me like her life depended on it.
And I held her.
God, how I held her.
When we part we both knew that our time was up.
Time had come to an end for us.
"When will you leave?"
"We will take the first flight out tomorrow...."
"Oh, okay....."
I moved towards the door.
My hands trembled as I turned the doorknob.
"STOP! Don't go!"
Her voice echoed through the apartment.
"Please, Jess...Don't go! I'm begging you...Stay. Stay with me..."
I stood there, suitcase in one hand.
My back turned.
And I could hear her plead.
And something inside of me pleaded to me to surrender.
To stay just tonight.
But I knew that wouldn't be fair for either of us.
For once in my life I was going to do the right thing.
I turned towards her, wiped away the tears and said:
"I can't......"
Then I opened the door and walked away from her.
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