----------------------
The fall of a sparrow
"How to disappear completely"
by: Jessica
NOTE: Only two chapters to go now! I promise.....
The title (How to...) is taken from a song by Radiohead
------------------------
There comes a time in every man's life when he knows it's time
to stop fighting.
There is no use in putting up that neat façade.
It's time to surrender and just accept that there are some things
that are out of reach even for you.
That there are some things that never ever will happen and hoping
for it will just leave you with pain.
You know this time has come by the light that once burned so
bright inside of him but now has flickered and died away.
They say that hope dies last.
What is left after hope is gone?
I used to ponder that.
Now I know.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
You are just an empty shell, drifting through life without
any purpose, without any goal.
You are nobody.
You could stand in the middle of a crowded room and scream from
the top of your lungs and no one would hear you.
People see right through you, like you were made of glass.
That's me now.
That's what has become of the mighty and strong Jess Mariano.
I'm nobody.
------------------------------------
The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away from her.
I never felt the cold rain as it washed over me when I walked
towards my hotel.
I welcomed the pain of a broken heart.
I embraced it.
Lucy was sitting on my bed watching TV as I entered my hotel room.
I peeled off my jacket and threw it on a chair near the door.
Our eyes met.
"How did it go?"
"I told her, if that's what you wondering."
I sat down on the couch and turned my back towards her.
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sound the TV made.
I felt so tired and so empty.
It felt like the weight of the world was laying on my shoulders.
I felt dead inside.
How foolish to think that this thing would last forever.
She sat down beside me.
A cloud of perfume shimmered out from her body.
"How did she take it?"
For a single moment I wanted to hate her for
ever entering my life again.
Anger ran through my veins like poison.
But as I looked at her I knew that I had no right to feel that way.
But a part of me wanted anger to consume my body and maybe then
the pain that ripped through me with every breath would eventually
subside.
"What do you think?!"
"You don't have to shout! I was just asking."
"Don't, okay!"
I turned away.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to lick my wounds and put on my mask to show the world
that I was doing just all right.
"I never meant to come between the two of you."
"What did you think would happen?"
Our eyes met.
"I just wanted you to know..."
"You could have told me earlier. You could have called me..."
"I didn't know where you were."
"Don't give me that. You knew exactly where I was. You could have
just picked up the phone."
"I wasn't ready."
"Ready? Ready!! Do you think I was ready to hear that I was going to
be a father? But I dealt with it! I let go of the best part of me
and all because of you!"
God, I needed to hate her.
I needed to feel something else than this pain that kept eating
me up from inside.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't even hate her.
I was empty.
"I'm sorry! Do you think it was easy for me to come here? It wasn't
like we were the best of friends."
"And why is that, Luce, huh? Why is that!? You slept with my best
friend, for God's sake!"
"I said sorry for that."
"Sorry. You said sorry. You sound like a child. Do you really think
sorry would cut it this time?"
"I don't know. All I know is that this is your child."
"How do you know? You lied to me before. Why should I trust you
this time?"
"Because that was almost a year ago and there was no one else after him.
Besides you."
"How can I be sure?"
"I don't know...You just have to trust me. I didn't come here to
fight. I just came to let you know that you are going to be a father.."
"And now I know. So what more do want from me, Luce?
A heart? A lung?"
"Don't be so dramatic!"
"Dramatic? Dramatic? I just told the woman I love that I'm leaving.
That I will never see her again!
So how should I act to please you, huh?"
"Jess, come on. I never meant to cause you any pain. I just saw
it as my duty to tell you. Would you rather have me be quiet and
you never know?"
"No, of course not...."
I lowered my head.
Maybe I should accept that this is my life.
That there wasn't more to life than this.
Her hand touched my shoulder.
"Jess, please...I couldn't take you hating me."
"I don't hate you, Lucy."
"All I want is for us to be a family. You, me and the baby."
She stroked her growing belly with her free hand.
"I just..."
How could I tell her about this pain inside?
How do you let go of something when every part of you is screaming
to hold on?
How do you stop your heart from longing?
She rose from the couch and looked at me.
"You need to sleep. You will feel better in the morning."
Just like that.
Like sleep could wash away the pain of a broken heart.
Like time could mend everything.
But I needed something.
So I rose.
She took my hand and guided me towards the bed.
I didn't object.
I felt like a zombie, only half alive.
Maybe this was my destiny.
To live without her.
Maybe she was never mine in the first place.
I lay down my broken body on the bed.
I didn't bother to take off my clothes.
She wrapped a blanket around me and whispered:
"We'll be okay. The three of us...You'll see.."
And I wished that I could believe that.
She took the couch, without question.
I lay there as the darkness of the night surrounded me, listening
to her breathing.
While memories washed over me.
Making me crumble.
Rory.
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the pain out.
I failed.
And as I gave myself to the night I prayed to have beautiful dreams.
And to be lifted away with them.
---------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se
The fall of a sparrow
"How to disappear completely"
by: Jessica
NOTE: Only two chapters to go now! I promise.....
The title (How to...) is taken from a song by Radiohead
------------------------
There comes a time in every man's life when he knows it's time
to stop fighting.
There is no use in putting up that neat façade.
It's time to surrender and just accept that there are some things
that are out of reach even for you.
That there are some things that never ever will happen and hoping
for it will just leave you with pain.
You know this time has come by the light that once burned so
bright inside of him but now has flickered and died away.
They say that hope dies last.
What is left after hope is gone?
I used to ponder that.
Now I know.
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
You are just an empty shell, drifting through life without
any purpose, without any goal.
You are nobody.
You could stand in the middle of a crowded room and scream from
the top of your lungs and no one would hear you.
People see right through you, like you were made of glass.
That's me now.
That's what has become of the mighty and strong Jess Mariano.
I'm nobody.
------------------------------------
The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away from her.
I never felt the cold rain as it washed over me when I walked
towards my hotel.
I welcomed the pain of a broken heart.
I embraced it.
Lucy was sitting on my bed watching TV as I entered my hotel room.
I peeled off my jacket and threw it on a chair near the door.
Our eyes met.
"How did it go?"
"I told her, if that's what you wondering."
I sat down on the couch and turned my back towards her.
The only sound that pierced the silence was the sound the TV made.
I felt so tired and so empty.
It felt like the weight of the world was laying on my shoulders.
I felt dead inside.
How foolish to think that this thing would last forever.
She sat down beside me.
A cloud of perfume shimmered out from her body.
"How did she take it?"
For a single moment I wanted to hate her for
ever entering my life again.
Anger ran through my veins like poison.
But as I looked at her I knew that I had no right to feel that way.
But a part of me wanted anger to consume my body and maybe then
the pain that ripped through me with every breath would eventually
subside.
"What do you think?!"
"You don't have to shout! I was just asking."
"Don't, okay!"
I turned away.
I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to lick my wounds and put on my mask to show the world
that I was doing just all right.
"I never meant to come between the two of you."
"What did you think would happen?"
Our eyes met.
"I just wanted you to know..."
"You could have told me earlier. You could have called me..."
"I didn't know where you were."
"Don't give me that. You knew exactly where I was. You could have
just picked up the phone."
"I wasn't ready."
"Ready? Ready!! Do you think I was ready to hear that I was going to
be a father? But I dealt with it! I let go of the best part of me
and all because of you!"
God, I needed to hate her.
I needed to feel something else than this pain that kept eating
me up from inside.
But I couldn't.
I couldn't even hate her.
I was empty.
"I'm sorry! Do you think it was easy for me to come here? It wasn't
like we were the best of friends."
"And why is that, Luce, huh? Why is that!? You slept with my best
friend, for God's sake!"
"I said sorry for that."
"Sorry. You said sorry. You sound like a child. Do you really think
sorry would cut it this time?"
"I don't know. All I know is that this is your child."
"How do you know? You lied to me before. Why should I trust you
this time?"
"Because that was almost a year ago and there was no one else after him.
Besides you."
"How can I be sure?"
"I don't know...You just have to trust me. I didn't come here to
fight. I just came to let you know that you are going to be a father.."
"And now I know. So what more do want from me, Luce?
A heart? A lung?"
"Don't be so dramatic!"
"Dramatic? Dramatic? I just told the woman I love that I'm leaving.
That I will never see her again!
So how should I act to please you, huh?"
"Jess, come on. I never meant to cause you any pain. I just saw
it as my duty to tell you. Would you rather have me be quiet and
you never know?"
"No, of course not...."
I lowered my head.
Maybe I should accept that this is my life.
That there wasn't more to life than this.
Her hand touched my shoulder.
"Jess, please...I couldn't take you hating me."
"I don't hate you, Lucy."
"All I want is for us to be a family. You, me and the baby."
She stroked her growing belly with her free hand.
"I just..."
How could I tell her about this pain inside?
How do you let go of something when every part of you is screaming
to hold on?
How do you stop your heart from longing?
She rose from the couch and looked at me.
"You need to sleep. You will feel better in the morning."
Just like that.
Like sleep could wash away the pain of a broken heart.
Like time could mend everything.
But I needed something.
So I rose.
She took my hand and guided me towards the bed.
I didn't object.
I felt like a zombie, only half alive.
Maybe this was my destiny.
To live without her.
Maybe she was never mine in the first place.
I lay down my broken body on the bed.
I didn't bother to take off my clothes.
She wrapped a blanket around me and whispered:
"We'll be okay. The three of us...You'll see.."
And I wished that I could believe that.
She took the couch, without question.
I lay there as the darkness of the night surrounded me, listening
to her breathing.
While memories washed over me.
Making me crumble.
Rory.
I closed my eyes in a weak attempt to shut the pain out.
I failed.
And as I gave myself to the night I prayed to have beautiful dreams.
And to be lifted away with them.
---------------------------------
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se