By Lexa (yatenshi@web.de)
Disclaimer: I don't own, never have and never will! All honors to Rumiko Takahashi-sensei!
Summary: Inuyasha still suffers because of the things he did as a full demon… so Miroku decides to go for a little talking.
Author's Note: Written after watching the episode where Inuyasha turns full demon and slaughters all those bandits (gosh, he looks soooo handsome with red eyes *___*)! OOC to no end, but that was what came to my mind when I watched Kagome comforting him- so cuuuute! ^______^
The title's not my invention, it's the name of a piece of the Rurouni Kenshin OST, just seemed fitting *shrugs*
Hope you like it!
Dedicated to my dear friend Yoan! *hugs*
Songs I listened to while writing this: Evanescence "Hello" and "Imaginary", t.a.t.u. "Stars", Nightwish "Sleeping Sun" (might help to express the mood ^.~)
~~*~~ Talk to the Moon ~~*~~
Miroku couldn't take it anymore.
After watching the white-haired figure sitting at the river's bank for more than one hour, every now and then getting up to try and wash his hands, he left his watching place, gazing one last time back to the camp were Kagome, Sango and Shippou were sleeping next to a campfire under Kirara's watchful gaze, to join Inuyasha.
The dog-eared boy barely stirred when the monk sat down next to him, his staff jingling slightly.
"Are you alright?" he asked and shifted comfortably on the soft grass, taking in the river's quiet rippling, the occasional cries of a night bird.
Inuyasha grunted angrily. "If I'm alright?!"
The young half-demon was still looking at his claws, at the blood only he could see.
„How can it be alright? It was me, don't understand, it was me who killed them!" he hissed, burying his face in his hands, and Miroku barely caught his pained whisper: „I never... killed humans before..."
The monk couldn't help but feel pity with the miserable creature next to him, full of regret and misery.
He put his hand on Inuyasha's shoulder. „However, we're still here, aren't we?"
The hanyou looked up questioningly, and Miroku continued: „All of us are still here with you."
Inuyasha's voice was unsteady, raw, when he spoke, despair and fear mingling in his golden eyes. „...why? After all the things I did... I killed them without mercy, their blood's stench won't come off from my claws," the words came tumbling out, faster and faster, „I simply ripped their heads off, I..." He broke off.
„It wasn't you. You're not yourself when you change. The real ‚you' wouldn't do this, would it?" Despite their comforting tone, the monk's words only seemed to upset the demon further.
"I enjoyed it! Hell, it felt good to kill them!!" His words were almost accusing, yet his troubled gaze spoke of things deeper, both a quest for forgiveness and the certainty that it'd never be granted.
"No, Inuyasha," Miroku insisted. He had to stay patient. The young demon's anguish ran far too deep to be healed by harsh words.
"As I said, it wasn't you! Maybe your demonic side enjoyed it, but that's the nature of your blood, your heritage. You couldn't help it, you couldn't help your change…" He couldn't finish the sentence, for at these words, Inuyasha finally broke.
His hand grabbed Miroku's arm in a iron grip that was sure to hurt him, pulling the monk's face only inches from his golden orbs, and the black-haired man saw to his, yes, horror, that they burned with unshed tears. "You're wrong… I wanted to transform! I wanted to become this cold-blooded monster! Do you understand? That's what I am!!"
He broke away, letting go of Miroku's arm, and buried his face in his hands, the man simply sitting there in utter shock.
"You… what??"
After a few moments Inuyasha had calmed enough to continue, seemingly the need to explain himself was stronger than his normal self-imposed reservation. "When I transformed first, I… didn't loose myself completely, I could see what was going on, though it was barely within my control. The second time, it was too brief to make me understand… but yesterday, I really felt it.
"This power, the strength I'd always wanted, it was right in front of me… It was like…like my blood was boiling, so hot, and the irresistible power of the demon calling me… the two times before, I'd only caught a glimpse of it, and…"
He gulped, hesitating for a moment before going on; Miroku kept quiet. "I actually didn't want to resist, well, at first maybe, but… I wanted to feel this power once more, the joy to rip apart my enemy…I always wanted to be a pure-blooded demon…but not like this… not like this!!"
His voice choked, and Miroku couldn't resist the need to put his arm around the distressed hanyou's shoulders, holding him. "Sh… it's alright," he whispered, feeling the need to soothe some of his friend's pain. "It's alright. Power is very difficult to resist; too seductive for most people."
It took Inuyasha some minutes to calm down a little.
He lifted his head and looked at Miroku with a terribly empty, sad smile. "You told me, didn't you? You told me that being a true demon wouldn't make me happy, warned me that it'd change me… you're fucking right."
Relieved that the half-demon had at least regained his normal talking behavior, Miroku returned the gesture. "So you don't want to anymore?"
"Never, ever! But… maybe I've no choice…" came the uncertain response.
"What do you mean?" Miroku asked sharply.
"What if… I'm not able to resist the power once more? Or if something else forces me to change, like the first time, when I didn't even know what was happening? If I change again, I might…"
He lifted his hand and turned his sharp claws slightly, watching them glitter in the moonlight. "With this claws, I might kill you all… I wouldn't even remember you! Miroku…" he turned his head to look at the other man, and the monk's heart almost broke at the utter despair, self-loathing, fear and pain he saw in these beautiful golden eyes- against his will remembering the way the looked when flashing red…
"Miroku… have you ever been afraid of yourself?"
For a moment the monk looked at the night sky with sad eyes. "Yes… I think I know this feeling. If my air-rip should ever kill me… he might suck up everything in a radius of one mile…everything and everyone…But it's not the same, I guess."
"Miroku… I am scared…" he heard Inuyasha's quiet whisper and looked at the young demon in surprise.
Inuyasha rarely showed things like fear, but this was one of the very few moments the monk saw true fright in his gaze. "I'm scared of what I might do to you, to all of you…if I killed you… I…"
Miroku softly shook his head, only pulling the unresisting hanyou closer.
"So it's alright. Shh," he stopped Inuyasha's protest with lifting his hand, "listen. You're more afraid for others than yourself, you almost seem to forget that your demon blood could also kill you, it'd destroy your body!
"And as long as this," he put a finger on Inuyasha's lips to shut him up, "is true, everything will be alright, do you understand? There must be a way to contain your blood even if Tessaiga's taken away from you, and we'll find it!"
Still disbelieving, but obviously calmed, Inuyasha nodded.
For some time they sat in silence, comfortable in each other's presence, both of them pondering over the past conversation.
Then, all of sudden, the hanyou spoke again; his voice clearer now than at the beginning.
"Promise me something, Miroku."
"Yes?"
"If I transform again… kill me."
The monk pulled away slightly and looked at Inuyasha in shock. "You want me to do what?"
"You heard me, Miroku," the half-demon turned to return his gaze with steely determination. "If it comes to an situation where I'm endangering Kagome or anyone of you… then kill me, whether with your air-rip or your so-called 'holy powers' doesn't matter, as long as you protect them… from me."
"But…"
"If you're really my friend, do what I say."
Miroku sighed, than lifted his fist and knocked Inuyasha over the head.
"Ouch! What the…?"
"You seem to forget, dear Inuyasha, that as we call each other friends, I won't kill you."
"Oh, but it's alright for me to kill you all?!"
"I didn't say that." He shifted slightly and took his arm from the hanyou's shoulder. "I won't let you harm Kagome or Sango, but never, ever will I kill a friend!" His gaze was firm and unwavering, surprising Inuyasha.
He grabbed the half-demon's arm and looked into his eyes. "As I said, there is a way to control your demon blood, and we will find it… together! We are your friends, we know who and what you are, and we aren't afraid of you, never have been. Do you get this in your thick head?!"
Inuyasha didn't look convinced. "What I don't understand is… why?"
"Then I have to explain to you that despite your sometimes… immature character- and don't hit me for that- you're our friend, you fight for us, protect us… and just how many times were you willing to give your life for Kagome-sama? You saved Kohaku's life for the small chance of getting him back from Naraku, you kept me from opening the air-rip when you knew it would be my death…and all this makes you worthy of happiness and friendship! Your friends, including myself, won't leave you, demon blood or not! We'll help you."
Miroku had realized that Inuyasha wasn't only speaking about the day before and his change, but about something deeper… his fear that because of his mixed heritage he'd never be accepted for what he was, that he might be unworthy of love and trust.
Obviously, his words had worked, for a small, almost invisible smile worked it's way around the half-demon's lips.
Miroku leaned back on his elbows and looked up to the starlit sky. "You know what Sango said to me after the whole mess?"
He smiled a little. "She said that even if you transformed, she'd still be with you. After all the trouble she caused because of Kohaku, you'd helped her, even saved her brother's life… she'd never forget this. Remember this, Inuyasha."
With that, feeling that their conversation was at the end and that he'd comforted the hanyou the best he could, he stood up and brushed dew from his clothes.
"Good night." As he started heading off toward the camp fire glowing in the distance, he heard Inuyasha's quiet voice.
He didn't say much, but hearing these two words Inuyasha so rarely used, made the monk very happy.
"Thank you."
~~*~~
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