Sunday I woke everyone up and announced that Sonney was just getting too fat, so we needed to raise money for a cat liposuction. I mean, the poor thing could hardly waddle anymore and his belly had started dragging on the ground lately.
We decided that washing cars would be an, er, interesting way to raise the money. It was still warm enough to get soaking wet outside, even though it was early October. We put up posters all over town, announcing:
"Would you like to help an underprivileged animal in need of serious medical attention?
Then come and make a donation while your car is being washed.
This was followed by a picture of Sonney looking tragic and fat, and information on the time and location. Then we pulled out buckets of soapy water and hoses and sponges into the institutes driveway. Then we were forced to wait for over five minutes before Pietro showed up with vast amounts of sugar for Priya and she wanted everyone to be hyper, so she decided to share.
Pretty soon we were all extremely hyper and deduced it might be fun to turn on the water. In one of the buckets we accidentally put in a bath and body works glitter foamy soap solution. Then we decided that Andy needed punishment even though we weren't exactly sure why. Pretty soon the light reflecting off Andy's glittery decorations looked like searchlights in the sky so people started showing up to see what was going on.
We scared away several, but managed to make a little money from those who were brave enough to stay. Sonney trotted around when he had enough energy and showed people why they needed to contribute money. Many missed the point.
"EEE, that beach ball is growing fur! And walking…?"
"That's not a beach ball mommy, it's a gopher. A really fat gopher."
"No, I think it's a cat. If you squint your eyes like this and look into the sun, then its ears look kinda pointy, in a bloated way."
"But cats can't possibly get *that* fat. I still think it's a beach ball, it must have just been blowing in the wind and appeared to be walking." Sonney chose that moment to sneeze. "…Or maybe not…" She said amazed. I decided to walk over and explain our cause.
"The poor thing ate too much and now he can hardly move." This point was emphasized when Sonney collapsed and the ground trembled slightly. "We're raising money to get him immediate medical attention for his condition, therapy for his eating disorder, and also a portion of the proceeds will go to buy glitter, because it has, er, secret, unexplored medical properties."
"Er, that's very, um, disturbed. Here's five…" Priya shot her a death look. "I mean twenty dollars for your, uh, interesting cause. Now, can you just answer one of my many questions? Is that a cat or a gopher?"
Andy pulled up with her car all nice and clean and shiny, well shiny mainly due to the fact that it had accidentally been doused with a couple of buckets of glitter meant for Andy. The woman forced her children bodily into the car and tried to drive away, but her engine only revved. It seemed that Andy had phased the front tire into the curb when he drove up. The woman couldn't figure out why her car wasn't moving and was getting very frustrated. Andy leaned surreptitiously on the car and phased it out of the curb.
"You must have just had the car in neutral or something." The woman looked confused, since her car was in drive and she hadn't touched the gearshift. She shot us all a very scared and confused look and sped off before we could scare her further.
Five hours later, we had only made 99 dollars. We were about to close, when a very strange and eager figure pulled up on his shiny new bicycle, complete with training wheels.
"Hiya Beth, look what my mom just bought me! She didn't trust me with a car, er I mean she thought I was too cool for a car, so I got this instead. Do you like it?"
"Uh, sure. It's very nice Dan. Would you, um," I stifled back a laugh. "Like us to wash it?"
"Of course. I came to help your noble cause. Now what was it again?"
"We're raising money so my cat can, er, walk properly again." Jenn snorted behind me.
"Its true, he can't walk hardly at all in his current condition! He waddles, if you can call it that. He needs a liposuction."
Stalker Dan raised his eyebrow. "Er, your cat sounds lovely, but of course he's not as special as you."
Sonney came to my rescue and chose that moment to collapse on Dan's toes.
"Owie! My foot!" He started hopping around in pain. Good Dan and Liz came over, and with Priya and Staci's help, used an extensive pulley system to lift Sonney in a wheelbarrow.
"We'll just put him somewhere where he can't crush anyone." Good Dan said with a wink. Sonney fell through the bottom of the wheelbarrow. "Or maybe not." They instead took sticks and prodded him onto his kitty bed where he fell asleep from all the work he had done.
"Hey, look on the bright side." Liz told me. "Even if we don't make enough to give him a liposuction, he might be able to loose a few pounds from the effort of walking around."
"Actually, I think he's gained weight today. And I haven't even seen him eating yet." Staci said, looking both scared and amazed.
"Yes, your cat does seem very special. Here's a whole dollar." Evan wheeled his bike over, so that we didn't risk Andy getting it stuck in the curb again. Dan luckily had no choice but to leave. We decided that we'd had enough for the day and sent Priya in to call the vet to see if a hundred dollars would be enough for a cat liposuction. She was the only one who knew enough to actually confuse the doctor.
"It's 3,000 dollars!" She yelled out the window a few minutes later.
"Aww, screw this, let's go to dairy queen instead." Staci said.
We managed to load Sonney into the car, but it took nearly everone's effort, and no one else could ride in the back, lest the car collapse or the back end drag too much for the car to drive. Kitty and Andy had to take that car alone. The rest of us loaded up into a few other random cars and we drove off to dairy queen.
(AN: I really do love my cat, honest. Cause he's my best cat ya! He just likes to eat, and even he will admit that he needs to, er, loose some weight. He keeps promising me that he will eventually go on a diet, but he just never gets around to it.)