Title: How To Snag A Hottie From Your Prom Queen Of The Caribbean Sister
Author: Whose ff.net account are you currently at? Here's a hint, starts with a C and ends with a rystyna…
Disclaimer: That disclaimer was getting a bit boring wasn't it? Time for a new one! *pulls out magic curling iron* Will Turner, awaken and be mine!!! Poster, poster on the wall: Who's the fairest one of all?
Will Turner Poster: Elizabeth Swann!
Crystyna: Wrong answer babe. *burns poster of Elizabeth, does psychotic death-to-Elizabeth dance*
Will Turner: *faints*
Crystyna: Well, while he's sleeping…*turns to Jack Sparrow poster*
Jack: Don't look at me, luv.
0.o
…Yeah…and so I don't own anything remotely pirate related…
Summary: Elizabeth has a sister (called Christina) and they are complete opposites. Call it a Mary Sue if you must, frankly I don't give half a starved rat's ass. Or half of any rat's ass for that matter, even a fed and tamed one. Pro-Elizabeth don't read.
A/N: Don't really have nothing to say right now…R/R please! Oh yes, is it just me or does it seem like no matter how many times Elizabeth is hit, she never gets a bruise? A wonderful gift to be sure…but not very likely. Ah, and there will be a specific change in this chapter, even if it has been hinted at before.
-to all my reviews: I LOVE YOU LOTS!! THANKS FOR REVIEWING!
-Oh yes, I fixed "How To Survive A Windless Day" (I am nearly sure that it was chapter nine) because all the punctuation was wigging out on me. So, thanks to Phaidra for letting me know!
~*~
The pirates grabbed me and held me up. "Look, its another Turner! Maybe we need both their blood," the one with the spastic eye said. Oh, no, I looked like Will? Now how shall I marry him?
I snarled at the pirate, "Just try it, Splinters," I spat. The pirates chuckled and yanked at me harder. "Get your slimy hands off me, you sons of bitches! I hope you rot in hell!" I screamed, struggling.
"Its 'cause of your daddy that we're in hell, poppet, now where's yer pretty sister?" the other pirate that was at the mansion said. Oh, Elizabeth must have given her name as Turner. Even if she did, I don't look like her! Ha, at least I didn't think so.
I growled at him, "Don't call me poppet, Tubby," I hissed. The rest of the crew was about the Pearl now, all glaring fiercely at the pirates. I watched the Interceptor, which was going down.
"Will," I whimpered. Suddenly, the ship blew up. "You've got to stop it! Stop it!" Elizabeth screamed, flailing at Barbossa. He pushed her away like a gnat. "Welcome back, Miss. You took advantage of our hospitality last time. All fair's now that you return the favor," he sneered. The crew started to grope her like they had done me moments ago. It barely registered with me, but there was nothing I could do anyway. I couldn't breathe, couldn't think. I just stared at the mess and wreckage that was once the fastest ship in the Caribbean.
I felt my body go weak and I bent over and retched, as if trying to get rid of my heart. Hot tears splashed down my face, but I only vaguely noticed them. I looked up at Barbossa. "You bastard, you stupid filthy disgusting bastard," I choked. He walked right up to me and squeezed my chin. "Such a foul mouth on such a fair lady," The crew snickered. I tried to bite him.
Elizabeth was watching me with wide eyes. The pirates pulled me by my hair and I stood straight. Will, Will Will, my mind shrieked. I thought I was hallucinating (which I have the tendency to do) when I saw Will spring back up onto the Black Pearl.
"Will," Elizabeth whispered. I blinked. "Will!" I cried. He smiled at me, despite the situation. "A little slow on the uptake, aren't you, Christina?" he asked. My jaw dropped. "Barbossa," Will shouted angrily.
Barbossa turned. "They go free," Will barked, nodded at my sister and I. "What's in your head boy?" the pirate leered. "They go free," Will repeated, jumping down and pointing the pistol right between Barbossa's eyes.
"You've only got one shot, and we cant die," the pirate informed Will. "Yeah, well he can mess up your face pretty badly. Not that it needs it, it's already a disaster," I sneered. The tall pirate, Bo'sun, punched me in the stomach. "Christina!" Will shouted, back up on the ledge of the ship and holding onto the rigging.
"Will!" I gasped, trying very hard to remember how to breath. "Don't do anything stupid," I looked over my shoulder and saw Jack looking at me worriedly. "You can't die… I can," Will said. He put the pistol under his chin. I nearly fainted. My eyes widened and I started gasping again.
"Like that," I heard Jack say. "Will, don't," I moaned. "Who are you?" Barbossa asked. "No one. He's no one. A distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice, though. Eunuch," Jack said, breaking away from the pirates and standing in front of Barbossa.
"Yeah, he's no one…its me you need!" I said desperately, surprising myself. I wasn't aware that I got back the ability to talk. My brain was still seeing the Interceptor explode over and over again, with Will in it. I wasn't even sure it he was really on the ship.
"Miss Turner, yer sister's blood didn't work, why would yers?" Barbossa asked. Jack just looked at me. "She's not my sister," I said quickly. Barbossa waited patiently for me to explain. My mind was racing, when did I become so good at lying?
"Well, who is she then?" he prompted.
"She's my…sister-in-law," I said. Close enough to the truth. Not.
"What?!" Will said.
"Yes, she's my sister-in-law, and Will's my brother," I said, raising my chin. I glared at them. Shut up shut up shut up shut up, I screamed at him mentally. Please please please let him be telepathic. Please let me be telepathic.
"Is that so?" Barbossa asked.
"Yes." I said firmly, glaring at him.
"No!" Will shouted. "Hush, Will, its my blood they need. I'm Bootstrap's first born child," I said. "Miss, jes' what in the hell do ye think yer doin'?" Jack hissed. I said nothing. "Captain Barbossa, I will go peacefully to wherever you need me, if you just let Will and Elizabeth and the crew go free. Including Mr. Sparrow," I said. Barbossa laughed heartily, and the miscreant crew laughed along with him.
"Nice try, Miss. But ye made one mistake thar: Ol' Bootstrap never told 'is children what the pirates called 'im. And 'e made his wife swear never ta tell. In fact, he only told 'er after they'd been married fer two years,"
My jaw dropped. "Well, that's true…h-he never told me. Jack did. Now do you want to break your curse or not, Captain?" I asked. Barbossa, however, only laughed harder at this. "Ye almost got me believin' ye, Miss. But ye look too much like yer 'sister-in-law' fer me to believe ye fully. To the planks with ye, I have no compassion fer heroes, or rather, heroines," he spat, and the crew hoisted me to the other side of the ship.
"Christina!" Will shouted. "Barbossa, you stop them now or I will shoot, and all your hope of breaking that curse will be lost forever in Davy Jones' Locker," he said. Barbossa sighed angrily. "Hold her, gents," he said, waving in my direction.
"Name yer terms, Turner," he snapped.
"Christina and Elizabeth go free," Will said. I felt sick again, this was it…Will was going to die for my sister and I. I felt tears cloud my eyes and tried to force them away as Will's image blurred.
"Yes, we know that. Anything else?" Barbossa said exasperatedly.
Jack started waving his arms wildly. I smiled sadly, but Will ignored him.
"And…the crew. The crew is not to be harmed," Will said. I couldn't blink back tears any longer. "Will, please," I moaned, and gritted my teeth as Bo'sun's grip on my wrist tightened, making it feel as if it would snap at any second.
"Agreed," Barbossa said.
"Go on, walk the plank now," I was pushed to the plank, the rickety board shaking underneath me. I didn't care. I looked back to Will, who was fighting to get past the pirates. "Barbossa you lying bastard, you swore she'd go free!" he shouted, his eyes meeting mine. I raised my chin again, closing my eyes and trying to find some way that this could be some big mistake and that I was back in my room at Port Royal, incredibly jealous of my sister and taking lessons in swordplay from Will.
When I opened my eyes, Will was gagged and looking at me wildly. Elizabeth was on the other end of the plank, looking terrified and yet resolute. As if she would not submit to showing them any sign of fear, even though I had been around her long enough to recognize when she was deeply afraid. Like the one time we'd had horseback riding lessons, and Elizabeth didn't want to go anywhere near the horse assigned to her. Or after a night of sitting around the fireplace and letting our butler, Henry, tell us scary stories.
I blinked. Henry was dead now. And Elizabeth and I would surely die within a fortnight, if we even lasted that long. All because of these pirates. The few seconds of this realization passed as I smiled thinly at her, and she smiled back.
"Don't dare impugn me honor, boy. I agreed she'd go free it was you who failed to specify when or where. Though does seem a shame to lose something so fine, don't it lads?" Barbossa barked at Will.
"Aye!" the crew cried.
"So I'll be having that dress back before you go," Barbossa sneered at Elizabeth. Her back was to me, and I couldn't see what expression her bruised face held, but she ripped off the dress defiantly and tossed it at Barbossa. "It goes with your black heart," she snapped, walking up to the plank and standing by me; the only thing keeping us from tipping over was Bo'sun's hold on the other end. I grabbed her hand and turned around to Will once more. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Jack trying to talk his way out of death.
"Will, I -" I started to say, not sure of what I wanted to tell him. But I had to let him know how I felt, even if we'd never see each other again. Or maybe because we'd never see each other again. But the pirates had other ideas, slamming the end of the plank causing my sister and I to tumble into the water.
~*~
We swam for what seemed like ages, when in fact it was only about an hour. I stopped to watch the Pearl sail away every so often, getting smaller and smaller on the horizon, as Will went farther and farther away. But the chill of the water, and the growing exhaustion in my body made my mind numb, and I couldn't feel anything. I knew that when I came to my senses, and the shock subsided, I would be hit with a load of emotions that might drive me mad. Madness would be like warm blanket or a soft feather bed, I supposed. At least I wouldn't be aware of everything that I'd just lost...Which was actually just Will. Like I said, everything.
"Come on, Christina," Elizabeth begged quietly every time I stopped. She would tug on my hands and coax me into swimming a few more feet, when all I wanted to do was give up and sink beneath the surface. A dull throbbing was ebbing through my body, starting at my heart and spreading to all my limbs and muscles. It felt like pain, but I was too far gone to decipher it.
I could just barely make out the shape of Jack swimming towards us. Since Elizabeth refused to swim ahead of me (and for that somewhere deep in my still-conscious mind I was thankful) so Jack over took us easily.
"Come on, Christina, luv," he said quietly, grabbing my arm and pulling me along. I kicked my legs dumbly and we got to the island soon enough. I tumbled upon the sand and just stared at the sky. Elizabeth sat with her arms around her knees, looking at me sadly. I closed my eyes and pretended that I was dead.
"Up you get," Jack said gruffly, hoisting me up. "No…" I moaned, but he held me around the waist and walked…somewhere. "That's the second time I've had to watch that man sail away my ship," he grumbled.
"Poor you," I said sarcastically, some comprehension sinking evilly into my body. He looked at me pityingly. I glared and wrenched myself away, "Don't look at me like that. Don't look at me at all," I spat. Some part of me felt bad, Jack looked hurt, but he also looked like he understood why I was so upset.
"You tried to save him, Christina," he said slowly. I put my hands over my ears, "Don't even talk to me about Will," I shrieked, stopping and nearly collapsing. Here on this island I was alone, except for my sister, who had Will's love, and Jack Sparrow, who, at the moment, I was unreasonably angry with.
There was dead silence except for the waves moving in and out and the wind in the palm trees. "But you were marooned on this island before, weren't you? So we can escape in the same way you did then," Elizabeth said desperately, looking at me. Jack continued walking, and Elizabeth followed behind him, nagging some more. I followed reluctantly, because I had no where else to go, and I did not want to be alone.
"To what point and purpose, young missy? The Black Pearl is gone and unless you have a rudder and a lot of sails hidden in that bodice," Jack said, turning around to look at her again, looking her up and down and then meeting my eyes apologetically. I snorted, as if I cared. He was no different than the rest of the men. "Unlikely," he continued, waving his hands around more than usual, "Young Mr. Turner will be dead long before you can reach him," he finished quietly, looking at me. I stared up at the sky, stupid and cloudless, its beauty annoyed me. It should rain, it should storm. The sky should rip itself in half and empty its tears onto this God forsaken island, and the ocean should swallow us into the sea.
"But you're Captain Jack Sparrow," Elizabeth hissed. "You vanished from under the eyes of seven agents of the East India company. You sacked Nassau Port without even firing a shot. Are you the pirate I read about or not? How did you escape last time?" she said, unrelenting. I sighed, wishing I had her hope of escape. Didn't she see that things were hopeless? We would die on this speck of land, even if the whole Royal Navy was out looking for us. Her, rather. What were the chances that they'd stumble upon this island?
"Last time…I was here a grand total of three days, alright?" Jack said bitterly. I looked up at this, he looked disappointed. I almost laughed, and almost cried. "But what of the sea turtles, Jack?" I said giddily. He looked up at me, and then walked (if you could call it walking. He was taking steps as large as his legs would allow without doing a split. Which would hurt…) I giggled shrilly. I completely lost my mind…
"Last time…the rumrunners used this island as a cache. Came by and I was able to barter a passage off." he said, opening up the sand. Ha ha! Opening up the sand…Jack was so talented! I wish I could open up sand like a trap door…I heard the clang of bottles. Oooh! Jack can conjure up rum! "From the looks of things, they've long been out of business. Probably have your bloody friend Norrington to thank for that," he said, walking up out of the sand with bottles of rum in hand. Rum…I could really benefit from getting completely wasted.
"Rum!" I said happily, scampering over. He grinned at me.
"So that's it then? That's the secret grand adventure of the infamous Jack Sparrow ? You spent three days lying on a beach, drinking rum?" Elizabeth said hysterically, near tears. I looked at her and held out a bottle. "Drown your troubles, Lizzy," I slurred. I had downed half the bottle already. She looked at me disgustedly, but took the bottle anyway.
"Welcome to the Caribbean, luv," Jack said.
~*~
Rum, rum, rum…
Red rum…red rum…was the rum red?
Mur der…Will, Will!
Elizabeth and Jack were running around the fire like complete lunatics. Meanwhile, I had gotten to the depressed part of the drunken stage and sat farther away in the darkness, watching them. Fire pretty…it would be funny if one of them slipped and fell into the fire…no, not funny. Rum, rum, rum…I sat contemplating rum and murder and Will…was he still alive?
"We're devils and black sheep and really bad eggs. Drink up me 'earties yo ho! Yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me," they screamed. Idiots. Noise bad. Light bad…I think I was having an early hangover, and I hadn't even finished drinking yet.
"I love that song!" Jack declared, sitting down next to me. "Yo ho," I said. He looked at me, and handed me his bottle. He had two in hand. "Drink up, luv, yer not drunk enough if yer still s-s-sad." he said, slurring. Oh, little did he know that I had gone through a bottle and a half. Not drunk enough…
"Woo. When I get the Pearl back, I'm gonna teach it to the whole crew and we'll sing it all the time!" he said.
Teach what? How to get drunker? Perpetually drunk? Yes, Jack could certainly teach that…Drink up, drink up, rum, rum…yum, yum. Yummy rummy. Actually, it didn't taste that good. It hurt at first, it burned and made me gag, but after a while I'd killed all the taste buds I'd had in my mouth and now it tasted like nasty water…
"And you'll be positively the most fearsome pirate in the Spanish Main," Elizabeth said. Whoa, slow down, words too fast for brain. Slow, slow…just drink some more…don't think of Will, don't think, don't think…gulp gulp.
"Not just the Spanish Main , love, the entire ocean, the entire wo'ld. Wherever we want to go, that's what a ship is, you know. It's not just a keel and hull and a deck and sails and what it needs but what a ship is…what the Black Pearl really is…is freedom,"
A keel a hull a deck and sails…freedom. Freedom. On this tiny stupid island Jack talks about freedom! That's pretty damn inconsiderate of him. "Jack , it must be really terrible for you to be trapped on this island," Elizabeth murmured. Her bottle was only half full. More than half full. She cant hold her liquor at all, or else she's just faking drunk. Look at that, the lil' wench, hanging on Jack like that. Stupid sister, all the men in then world want her, Will wants her, and she's hanging on Jack? Will…and my stupid sister…
"Oh, yes. But the company is infinitely better than last time, I think. The scenery has definitely improved," he said, putting an arm around my shoulders, and an arm around her shoulders. Ah, so pirates were into kinky threesomes eh? Well, no siree, not me. Especially not with Elizabeth. Eww.
"Mr. Sparrow , I'm not entirely sure that I've had enough rum to allow that kind of talk," Elizabeth said. Me neither. "Me neither, Mr. Sparrow, shame on you," I giggled. Oooh, lookie the stars…purrrdy…
"I know exactly what you mean, love," Jack said. Sure he did. But he didn't like it. Ha ha, Jackie-poo not getting nothin' tonight…har har…Oh no! There's no more rum in this bottle!
"To freedom!" Elizabeth toasted. Ha, that's funny. Freedom. What's that?
"To the Pearl," Jack said. Riiight, to the Pearl, which the bastard pirates stole. Or whom they stole... I mean, they call ships "she" so they must be "whoms" right? Will is on the Pearl. "To the Pearl," I said seriously. Empty bottles are no good for toasting.
~*~
"No! No! Not good! Stop! Not good! What are you doing? You burned all the food, the shade, the rum!" someone yelled in my ear.
"Not so bloody loud, damn it!" I shouted. Ack…loud…
I opened my eyes. "Jesus Christ, turn off the sun!" I screamed.
"Yes, the rum is gone." Elizabeth said. She wasn't dying because everything was loud and bright. I knew she didn't drink. Oh God, how many stomachs did I have? They were all churning around, yech…I ran off and threw up. Rum is bad. Very, very bad.
"Why is the rum gone?" Jack shouted.
BECAUSE IT IS THE *CHOICE* BEVERAGE OF THE DEVIL THAT'S WHY! Oh, God, the whole island is spinning… "One, because it is a vile drink that turns even the most respectable men into complete scoundrels. Two, that signal is over a thousand feet high. The entire Royal Navy is out looking for me, do you really think that there is even the slightest that they won't see it?"
"Speak slowly…Liz…and us, us, damn it! The Navy is looking for us!" I said. Oh, sober was bad…sobering up was bad…gimme more rum… "BUT, WHY'S THE RUM GONE?" Jack shouted.
"Just wait, Captain Sparrow. You give it one hour, maybe two, keep a weather eye out and then you will see white sails on that horizon," Elizabeth said, very sure of herself. I just watched as Jack took out his pistol and aimed it at her as she sat down, and then put it away. Rum is bad. I'll never drink again, I swear!
I sat down next to Elizabeth and tried to count the grains of sand. There was lotsa sand, if you wanted to know. "Lizzy," I said quietly. "Hmm?" she asked. I jumped and grabbed my head as a couple of explosions sounded from the huge bonfire she'd created. She laughed quietly and patted my back, "You shouldn't have drank so much, Christina," she chided quietly.
"You shouldn't have gotten captured by pirates," I groaned. She sighed. "What did you have to ask me?"
"Do you think there's more stars in the sky, or grains of sand in the world?" I asked. Elizabeth looked at me, puzzled. Then she smiled. "I don't know, Christina. But I'd have to say stars in the sky, because the sky goes on forever." she said.
"Your turn," I murmured. She smiled sadly. This was a game we used to play back when we were friends, before my mother died. Our mother. We'd lay awake at night and asked questions. We'd stopped after she left, and hardly talked to each other except to snap and taunt.
"Do you love Will?" she whispered. I looked up sharply, and met her eyes. "What kind of question is that?" I said angrily. "You're breaking the rules. You cant answer a question with a question," she said pointedly. "And you have to tell the truth," she added, as if I needed reminding.
"My question was easier," I said.
"Just answer,"
I sighed. This would be perhaps the stupidest thing I would ever do. It's the rum, I tell you. I'll never go near such vile, hell-sent material again so long as I live.
"Yes," I said. "I love him,"
"Your turn," she whispered. I knew what I would ask.
"Do you?" I asked. But we looked up at the ocean and saw the white sails of the Royal Navy coming to save us, and she didn't get to answer me. Even though I already knew what her answer would be.