Disclaimer: Yeah same as usual, not mine, totally Joss's, although if he wanted to lend me Spike for say 24 hours, I'm sure I could think up some rather creative ideas:)
Authors note: Same as usual, however I did forget to mention that the quote from the last chapter was by Fuel, and the quote below is by Life House, if anyone was curious.
Better Man
Chapter 2
In Between
This is over my head, but underneath my feet
Because tomorrow morning I'll have this beat
And everything will be back to the way it was
I wish that it was just that easy
I am waiting for tonight then waiting for tomorrow
And I am somewhere in between what is real
And just a dream
They felt alone. There wasn't much else to say, other than that. Like lost children without parents to run home to. It all felt surreal and dark, nightmares weren't this lonely, was all Buffy could think as she sat in the hospital room with her friends.
They watched as the doctor approached a steely gaze upon his face.
"I'm sorry", he had said, "but the damage is just to severe."
Willow gave Buffy a pleading look.
"Is there nothing you can do", she managed to get out, with a scratchy voice. Cuts and bruises marring her face as well as his own.
"I'm afraid not, without the other doctors and nurses around to help, there's not much I can do by myself. I'm truly sorry for your loss", he said quietly patting her softly on the shoulder. They all watched as he walked out of the ER waiting room and back into the trauma center. Not one word was spoken.
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It was a week later when they had had enough emotional strength to give Giles and Anya's funeral. There wasn't much preparation to deal with, but slowly as more people began to return to Sunnydale, it became easier to get the things they needed for the service.
It had been a hard day for all of them to say the least, but for some reason Buffy was the one that seemed the least affected by it all. She had stayed strong, strong for Dawn, for Willow, for Xander. It wasn't until someone had made a comment she overheard later that afternoon, that everything came crashing down.
She was sitting in the living room, and almost everyone had gone home. Leftover food was scattered here and there from the wake, but nobody had any energy to clean up. Buffy sat alone, deep in thought, oblivious to anything that was going on around her, so much so that she didn't see Willow and Xander's mother reach the front door. All she heard where the words that Willow said, " You should be proud of him, he stayed with her until the end.....he tried to sacrifice himself, because he loved her so much."
Because he loved her so much, echoed in Buffy's head over and over until she couldn't take it anymore.
She walked up to her room, closing the door behind her, where she slid to the floor, feeling isolated from the world down stairs.
And that's finally when she let it all go.
She couldn't remember how long she cried, or how long she sat in her room alone. All she could think about was that he was gone, because of her.
She hadn't let herself think of him until that moment. All she wanted to do was run to him, into his arms, to be held by him. But he was gone, and it was her fault.
It didn't occur to her what time it was until, she heard a knock at her door, sometime later.
"Buffy, it's almost noon, are you coming out to eat?"
No answer.
"Uh, Buffy....... do you want me to bring you something to drink......some water or something?"
No answer.
"Buffy are you ok........please answer me."
She pulled her head slowly off the pillow, realizing whoever it was at her door, wasn't going away anytime soon.
"Yeah, I'm fine," she managed to get out in a tired voice, curling up again on her pillow.
As she laid her head down and prepared to fall back alseep, Angel nudged the door open, and patted his way to the edge of the bed were she lay. He sat down beside her, watching her face.
"Buffy , I know your not fine, you've been up here for days, you don't eat, you won't talk to anyone, I know your not ok. You don't have to put this act on with me, I know what your going through," he spoke to her softly.
She turned her head upward to look at him, her face wet with tears, a slight flush across her cheeks.
"Really I'm fine," she tried to smile," see look, I'm all with the fine-ness here."
"Please don't lie to me," he said, running a hand over his face in frustration.
Buffy watched him for a second realizing he was trying to help, and she was shutting him out. She knew that it hurt him, but she was hurting so much herself, she didn't seem to care about how others felt anymore. All she wanted at the moment was to be alone, and here he was pushing her to get over it. It had only been a few days, didn't he understand at all?
She could feel the anger build up as she finally began to speak," You have no idea what I'm going through, my friends are dead because of me......their gone because I couldn't stop that thing from getting to them. What the hell am I good for, if I can't even save my own friends, Angel!"
"Buffy you did the best you could, you knew you couldn't save everyone, at least you survived, even Faith and the rest ...." he trailed off knowing there was nothing left to be said about the loss of the other girls.
"Well I wish I hadn't," was her only reply.
"Don't say that, you have to keep going for Dawn, for Willow, for...........me," he whispered beseechingly.
She looked into his eyes, and saw his need for her to be there for them, for him. She remembered that look, had seen it on someone else, it seemed, not so long ago. She shuddered at the thought of him. With each passing day the his memory only seemed to become stronger, and it was killing her. She was so alone, so lonely.
"Stay with me," she said to him finally.
"What," he asked, surprised by her statement. She looked into his eyes this time, almost begging with him.
"Please stay with me, so I'm not alone."
"As long as you need," he whispered as he climbed on the bed and lay down beside her, until she finally fell into a deep sleep.
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It seemed like forever since all of that had happened, not only just a year ago. It had taken so long to begin to heal, to feel even slightly better about the events that had transpired. But each passing day got a little easier, each day she got through she felt stronger, his strength gave her strength, it always had.
Angel stood by her side the whole time, and after a couple of months had actually moved in with them, leaving Angel Investigations to Gunn and Fred.
It almost felt like old times, when they were together, like a couple again, and although nothing had changed with his curse, they still held each other at night, and that was enough for him.
Sometimes though he wondered if she wanted more, wanted something else.
Over the last few months, she seemed distant. When she had first asked him to stay, he felt so needed. She would lay in his arms at night, tightly pressed against his body, as if she was afraid he would leave her, afraid if she let go, she'd be alone again. She worried over Dawn and Willow incessantly, never letting them leave for long periods of time, and continued to call Xander multiple times a day.
The only times she would even go out, were at night, when she would patrol. They would all insist she didn't have to, but it made her feel better, so along with it they went. Other days she would disappear early in the morning, to "go out for a walk," or to "get some fresh air." But Dawn knew she wasn't telling the complete truth, knew her sister went somewhere to be alone, but she couldn't figure out where.
Dawn could see her sister drift away from them all everyday. It wasn't that she cried anymore, in fact she seemed almost cheery sometimes, like her old self. However Dawn had a sinking feeling it was all a show, and mostly she believed the show was for Angel. It was as if she wanted him around, because the thought of being alone was simply terrifying to her, or maybe it was something else. Sometimes she thought that the reason Buffy wanted Angel around, was so that way she wouldn't have to remember that he was truly gone, that he wasn't coming back.
She wanted to tell Buffy that it was ok to miss him, she missed him all the time. But she knew Buffy wouldn't accept her attempt to ease her pain, for so many reasons. And so she left her alone, to battle her own emotional demons. Hoping somewhere, someone would come save them from their despair, and answer all their prayers.
Author's Note: This was a hard chapter to get through, so I hope you all bear with me, and continue to read and review! Cause ya know I'll love ya if you do!!