Disclaimer: I think me and Jossy are getting along better now. I mean just yesterday he came up to me and was all like, 'you better watch out Finn, or when you're not lookin' someone might just stab you in the back.' Well isn't that just the sweetest thing, how he's looking out for me and all?

A/N: Ok sorry for the long waited update, but the flu has been kicking my ass. I also have tons of schoolwork I've been neglecting, I should probably get on top of that right? The next update might not be for a while, but I do promise to try my very best!! And hey maybe if you guys persuaded me with reviews I might be encouraged to update faster! You never know.

Better Man

Chapter 11

Meridian Blue

The world is a stage some people say

What role have you chosen for this

epic play?

The bullet?

The trigger?

The finger?

The vest?

Now and then everyone takes a blow

to their chest

If you chose the first three, your world

is a stage

Controlled by others action, flipped

like a page

If life is lived like that of a marionette

You may as well sit down to a game of

Russian roulette

Spike sat alone on the front porch of 1630 Revello drive in thought. He didn't know which was worse, the constant whispering in the dark, the voices he knew that were talking of him, about him. Or maybe it was that he couldn't remember having a good nights rest since before he woke up in the deserted cave. Both were making him edgier than usual. He ran a hand through his messy curls, inhaling a calming breath of California air, as the quiet chirp of crickets echoed in the background.

Days, maybe even a week had passed since Angel had arrived, and nobody had spoken openly about what happened, or what was going to happen. Spike could feel that Buffy was in a certain state of denial about her choices, but he could also understand her reluctance to say anything. Both times him or Angel had been in the same room with each other, they would either ignore the other, or walk out all together. And that's not what worried Spike the most. He knew it was only a matter of time until something much more catastrophic happened; years of built up resentment and tension just waiting to come out.

Buffy on the other hand had decided to try to avoid all of this, by simply talking to them separately. Spike hadn't a clue about what she said to the Poof, and he didn't care. What drove him mad, was that he could hear the whispers, from Dawn and Willow, and even Xander. Late at night he could hear them talking about what was going on between the three of them, could hear their thoughts, even from outside.

I've got to get away from here for a while, he thought silently. Then standing up, he made his way inside for another night of sleepless rest.

****************************************

Meanwhile, not far down the street, in the darkness they watched him. He is the one, he needs to be destroyed, one of the figures whispered to its silent companion. As Spike pulled the door shut behind him, the two figures slowly slipped back into the dark shadows of the night, preparing themselves for what lie ahead.

****************************************

The antique cherry wood clock chimed its dreary cadence for the noon hour, as Maddox paced back and forth, needlessly attempting to look busy for his manager. He yawned in boredom silently cursing his father, who had somehow duped him into getting a part time job at his Aunt's old bookshop over the summer, despite his request to apply at the less effeminate local sporting goods store.

He knew most of the guys at school thought he was nothing more than an intellectual genius and a complete and utter social retard, and most of the time it didn't bother him either way. Until it came to girls. One girl in particular, Dawn Summers.

He didn't know what she thought of him, he was terrified to find out, even more so after meeting her so-called "friend." So when he saw Spike walk through the shop doors, he instinctively jumped back, the tall stacks of books hiding him from the blonde man's view.

"Kern, stop standing around and go ask the customer if he needs help," he heard his manager say, coming up from behind the counter, a pile of books in his hands.

"Right, ok," he muttered, tentatively stepping forward.

Spike scanned the books on the wall, oblivious to everything else around him. It felt like ages since the last time he'd read anything at all. He missed the feeling of connecting with a story, the magic that always drew you in and made your emotions fly up and down like an intoxicating roller coaster ride.

His eyes continued to drift through the books, stopping when he came to a familiar author. He paused, retrieving the book from the shelf and flipping through the pages mindlessly, until he came to a specific passage. He read the words silently to himself, remembering what he felt the first time he read it.

Memory

I had one small glimpse

At heaven

Thru an opening in the sky;

One tiny peek at paradise

To fashion my heart's dream by.

Perhaps if you had seen it too,

It might have opened wide,

And showered all its blessings through,

Or let us pass inside.

But you didn't,

And I guess I mustn't really mind it;

While one can lose paradise,

There must be two to find it.

He stood quietly for a moment, reflecting on his past, when out of nowhere he heard a small voice behind him.

"Helen Hooper."

Spike spun around at the sound of another male voice, swiftly hiding the book behind his back.

"Hopper what," Spike mumbled.

"The poem you were reading was by Helen Hooper right? I remember her name from school. I think she wrote poetry or short stories," Maddox finished, giving Spike a timid glance.

"I uh don't know what you're talkin' about...... I was just lookin' around actually, and I uh saw some British books over here, and I like British books y'know, cause I'm a British man, and us British men like our old English and what not. So that was what I was doin', and .........yeah," he smiled bewildered at his failure to hide the truth.

Maddox scratched his head in confusion, he moved to turn away, but then paused, "But isn't that book that you were holding, a book of poetry, because I swear I saw the name Helen Hooper, and I'm pretty sure she was poet"

"No, no I was lookin' at Macbeth, all blood and guts everywhere, lots a' death, y'know arrrggg.  It's a fantastic book because..........because.................because........oh bugger it. Yeah I was lookin' at poetry. I like it alright! Maybe it wouldn't be such a dyin' art if you bloody Americans didn't make every man in existence feel like a sodding poof for readin' it!"

Maddox took a step back from the other man's outburst, "Ok....ok sure. I was uh just coming to ask you if you needed any help finding anything actually?"

"Oh, well not really no," Spike looked around embarrassed, noticing the boys name tag for the first time. As Maddox started to move away , Spike reached out his arm, and placed it on the younger boys shoulder.

"So you gonna call the lil'bit?"

"Huh, little who what," Maddox asked, confused.

"Dawn, you're sweet on 'er right? Are you gonna ask 'er out properly, or continue to follow 'er around like a puppy in heat."

"I......um, well I-I .....um.......I want to."

"But."

"But I don't think she would say yes," he confessed.

"Well you'll never know for sure unless you do it," Spike said, staring him straight in the eyes. "So do it."

"Uh yes sir," Maddox answered.

"Whoa , whoa, whoa. I may be old, I may be very old, but you mate, just managed to make me feel ancient. Call me Spike."

"Yes si--Spike."

"Alright then," Spike gave him a pat on the back, returning the book to its place on the shelf. He then walked out of the store, leaving the boy behind. Until a few seconds later he felt someone rush up beside him on the sidewalk.

"So you really think she'd like it, if ya know, I called her?"

"I'm no Miss Cleo, but I'd wager she'd be with the happy."

Maddox came to a relaxing stride along the other man, a small grin on his face, " Thanks Spike. You know you're not so bad once you get passed the scary brother vibe."

"You think I'm scary," Spike asked in surprise.

"Not right now, but before, when we met......yeah pretty much."

He shook his and chuckled, "Ahh the irony."

"What?"

"Nothin.'"

"Well um I better get back to work, but thanks again for the Dawn news flash," said Maddox.

"Don't mention it."

"And if you ever need anything let me know."

Spike thought about it for a moment, considering his offer, and his previous thoughts from the last few days. "Hey wait, I got a question for you. What do you think women want?"

Maddox looked at him as if a monkey had just flown out of his butt, and then done a little tap dance on his head. "Why ask me, I mean you have noticed my less than lack-luster appeal with the ladies right?"

"I need another person's opinion, just humor me," Spike insisted.

The younger man contemplated his question for a few seconds, then when he thought he'd came up with a sufficient answer said," Well fancy gifts for one, clean houses for another, birthday cards are always good, oh and uh money. My mom's always complaining about not having enough money. Maybe they want financial stability, I don't really know Spike, I'm just guessing."

"No, you might be right," he asserted, "Men work, that's what they do. They have jobs they go to, so they can make money like all the other normal blokes."

"Um yep, that's what they do," Maddox responded, nodding his head.

"I am wanting in the job skills department though."

"What about the Doublemeat Palace, they'll hire anyone."

"Uh......."

"You don't want to work there?"

"Nah, he's holding out for a management position, aren't ya Spike," Xander Harris said, coming up from behind Spike, and smacking him on the back.

"Ha bloody ha," he uttered, with a sardonic smirk.

"You do have that whole authority thing down pat," Maddox mused.

"And the scary British demeanor," Xander added, as they both look to each other and then fell into laughter.

Spike watched them laugh at him, annoyed by the whole situation, "Oh will you two prats stop yourselves."

"Sorry Spike," Maddox said calming down, then glancing at his watch, "I really got to get back to work, but I'll see you around."

Spike nodded, as the teen made his way down the sidewalk He turned his attention back to the brunette in front of him, who was presently giving him a curious look.

"What, what are you lookin' at?"

"At the risk of seeming like I care, and I don't know why I'm asking this, but what's with all the work speakage."

Spike looked him straight in the eyes, knowing he really needed help, and said, "No way in hell."

"And why not," Xander questioned, quickening his pace after the other man left him behind.

"One, I don't fancy you gettin' your kicks off at my expense, and two, how would you possibly be able to impart any help on me?"

Xander stuck out his hand in Spike's face, visibly offended, "I'll have you know I'm quite a viable entity in our here employment industry. Ask and you shall receive my brotha."

Spike looked at him hesitantly, then realizing his absence of options shook his head in surrender, "I need a job."

"Because................."

" Actually I was considering  puttin' a new color in my wardrobe, WHY do you think?!"

The thought of Spike doing something as selfless as get a job for another person hadn't occurred to Xander until that moment. He watched Spike's eyes become a dark shade of blue, the vulnerability of sharing that information with him taking a toll on his self-confidence.

"Buffy, you wanna get a job for Buffy," Xander said to him.

"More or less," he replied, trying to save face.

Xander paused, thinking to himself of what he could do, he smiled and then turning around, began walking the opposite way. When he noticed the blonde wasn't following him, he looked back, "Are you coming?"

Spike was confused, "Huh?"

"If you want a job I can get you one, but we're gonna have to see my boss before his lunch hour's over, so come on," he waved his hand forward as the two men walked to his car.

**************************

Working sucks, Spike thought, as he took another drink of Jack Daniel's. Working sucks a lot. He'd thought over the days events again and again, and for some reason, and possibly due to the extreme alcohol intake, he couldn't come up with one good reason why in God's name he had decided to take a job. It wasn't just any job, no that would make life to simple, no he was working as Xander Harris' errand bitch, doing mindless tasks for a measly seven dollars an hour. And to top it all off, Buffy was nowhere to be found when he finally arrived back home.

He chugged down another gulp of brown whiskey, biting back the affect the taste was having on his mouth. Alcohol's bit different when you're human, goes straight to your head, he mused stumbling up into a sitting position on the living room couch. He went to get up, but realized his feet had turned to mush at that point, instead resting his head on the armrest until he fell asleep.

******************************

Sunset had come and gone, when Spike heard a door slam shut somewhere in the house. His head hurt from the headache he'd had for the past few days, the buzz from the alcohol still apparent throughout his body. He grabbed the half empty bottle from the ground and took a couple more swigs, as two blurred figures came into the room. He heard them mumbling to each other and turned around, seeing Angel and Dawn standing in the doorway.

Angel had a stern face on, as he came up in front of him. Spike ignored him, taking another drink from the bottle.

"What are you doing Spike," he asked with contempt.

Spike looked Angel up and down, his eyelids fluttering from his drunken state. He raised the bottle in his hand up above his head, swinging it back and forth as he turned to Dawn. "Yo ho kids, The Great Captain Poof is home."

"Are you drunk," Angel spat him.

"Sure am mate," he mumbled, burping loudly, before slightly gagging as the bile rose in his throat.

Dawn came over to him and grabbed the bottle out of his hand, when he gave her a pout, she merely dismissed him saying, "I'm going to get him some water," and then walked out of the room.

Angel watched in anger as Spike attempted to push himself into a sitting position on the sofa, the alcohol finally taking affect on his stomach.

"If you're going to be sick, get out of the family room," said Angel in disgust.

"Piss off," Spike countered.

"Don't start with me, I'm not in the mood."

"Apparently I'm not making my self clear enough. I said sod off. It's spelled like this S-O-D–

"SCREW YOU SPIKE," Angel yelled in frustration, coming closer to him.

Spike merely cranked his neck back in forth letting the tension out as he stretched out on the sofa leisurely. "You know you'd be a really great pirate, all you need is an eye patch and one of those green parrot birds, that throw's out insulting two word comments, like Nancy boy SQUAWK, Nancy boy SQU–

"GET UP," Angel roared.

"Excuse me."

"Get up NOW. I want you out of this house. I want you gone. You're a parasite Spike, that leeches on to the first thing that is sympathetic to you. I'm sick and tired of your bullshit. Leave now, don't come back, and let Buffy have a happy life."

Spike laughed, "You'd just love that wouldn't you, for me to just shrivel up and die so you can be the knight and shining armor to take care of her in her grief. Grow up Peaches, she doesn't love you, not like she loves me," he said, standing up.

"You lie," he glared, coming up in front of Spike.

"You............Wish," he whispered, right as Angel's fist collided with his face. Spike flew across the room from the impact of the hit. Pushing himself off the ground, he got up and ran at the taller man with full force, causing them both to fall to the ground.

They punched at each other back and forth, leading Dawn to come in from the other room. She stood in shock, pleading with them to stop.

"I hate you," Angel yelled, brining his leg up, and kicking Spike in the ribs. When Spike crashed into the coffee table, he felt it give under his weight and break in half, the small legs of the table spurting out from the sides.

When he saw Angel come at him again he ducked out of the way, "Feelings mutual," he puffed out, slamming into him and pushing him on the ground. Spike hovered over Angel, using all of his strength to keep the vampire pinned to the ground. He noticed one of the wooden table legs nearby and quickly picked it up, looking Angel in eyes.

"I could kill you right now," Spike told Angel, twirling the stake in his hand. "I could stick this piece of cheap wood into your heart and kill you, because in some way or other you've managed to take the one thing I've ever truly loved away from me. But I'm not gon–," he was cut off as he felt Angel's grip tighten on his wrist. He tried to break free, but lost control, as Angel pulled his arm forward in a tug of war.

When they heard Buffy's yells from the other side of the room a moment later, Angel  instinctively let go, the force causing Spike to fall back and then forward, imbedding the wooden leg in Angel's left shoulder.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON," Buffy cried, as Angel moaned in pain.

"It was accident, I didn't mean to, I-I-I," Spike tried to calm her, as he jumped away from Angel, but she ignored him, helping Angel off the ground and into the other room. 

He stood there in shock, unable to speak, or think logically at all. He looked over to doorway and saw Dawn staring at him silently.

"I didn't mean to do it Dawn..........you believe me right," he asked shakily, suddenly feeling very sober. She simply nodded, and then left the room.

He sat in silence for the next twenty minutes, the last hour's events running over and over in his mind.

Buffy watched him as she came in the room, a sickening feeling in her stomach. He seemed so lost and afraid, sitting alone. His head was buried in his hands, rubbing the side of his temples. As she came closer to him, he snapped up to attention, a weary look darkening his blue eyes.

"What happened Spike," she asked him.

"It was accident Buffy, you've got to believe me luv," he pleaded to her.

"How can I know for sure, it's your word against his."

"Because I'm tellin' ya the truth, that's how," he stood up coming to her.

She looked at him uncertainly, and then down at the mess on the ground, letting out a strained breath. He followed her as she came out onto the front porch, the cool night air sweeping through her golden locks. She pulled the door shut behind him and then looked up to him.

"I can't do this anymore, I can't be in the middle of this stupid war you've got going on between the two of you. Something has to change, someone's got change," she said, looking out onto the street.

"I've got to change is what you mean."

She turned to him, with a confused look, "What?"

Spike shook his head in defeat, a realization finally washing over him, "Say it. SAY IT."

"Say what," she questioned.

"I'm not Angel..........that's why you don't love me. Say it."

"Yes, ok. You're not Angel. Is that what you want to hear," she shot at him.

"I knew it. All this time.............. He's not the same person you loved Buffy. You're not the same person."

"Don't do this," she warned.

"Do what?"

"Talk to me like you know anything about Angel or what happened between us, because you don't."

"Don't I," he yelled to her in frustration. "I know why he loved you, I know that. I know why he couldn't stay, I know why he left."

Buffy tried to go back in the house, but Spike grabbed her by the waist pulling her back onto the porch and closing the door.

"Stop Spike, I don't want to do this with you."

"Do what Buffy, be honest for once in your life 'bout why you never seem to find someone to really love."

"Stop," she said, avoiding eye contact.

"Or do you not want to talk 'bout the fact that you always give up on love when it's right in front of your face."

"Stop NOW."

"Or could it be because you don't want to admit that you're willin' to fuck over the one person that has ever truly LOVED YOU," Spike screamed at her.

Buffy brought her arm up and hit him across the face, causing him to stumble to ground. When he suddenly realized what he had done, he picked himself off the yard, and gulped back a breath of air. She stood in silence across from him, the tension between them falling for the moment.

"I'm sorry Buffy."

"You should go," she mumbled, looking away from him.

He ignored her for the moment, knowing that if he didn't get out what he was feeling, no matter how much it hurt, then he would regret it forever.  "I don't know what I'm doin' anymore. I 'm such a jerk. I feel like I'm goin' crazy. All I ever wanted to do is be with you. I never wanted to hurt you, or make you cry, and it kills me to think that I've done that. But I don't know what to do Buffy. I can't live like this anymore. I can't be in this house with you every night, and act like nothin's changed from the past year, when everythin' has. I love you so much, more than anythin', and you pretend like it's not true, and I don't know what to do with that. I thought I could pretend, but ever since the moment I got back, all I've wanted to do is hold you, make love to you. And then I see that look in your eyes, that look of doubt, and it kills me. Angel may be a better man than me, I don't rightly know. In your eyes I may never ever compare, and I realize that, but I can't pretend to be somethin' I'm not. I'm just Spike. Spike who makes mistakes, loses control, screws up, and loves Buffy. You're the one thing in my entire life that I've done right, the one thing I will not apologize for. I'm proud to love you Buffy. I would give everythin', the whole world, if you'd just tell me you love me."

"I....................can't," she answered a few moments later, a blank expression on her face.

He watched her, the pain slowly crushing his heart, as he managed to speak "Did you mean what you said, that day you said you loved me?"

"Don't ask me this," she said, looking up at him.

"Why not. Did you lie to me, is that why you don't want me to ask. Was it all a bloody lie. Tell me. I deserve to know," he blurted out, running a hand through his hair nervously.

"No."

"No what?"

"No I didn't lie," she answered, turning away again.

"So then what's changed?"

"You died, I moved on."

"Did you really," he asked her skeptical.

"I can't go back to the way things used to be, I have a new life now," Buffy reasoned.

"Is that right?"

"Yeah that's right."

"With Angel who you love?"

"Right," she answered again.

Spike tried to look into her eyes, but she refused to look back. He watched her mess with the hem of her shirt anxiously. He closed his eyes shut for a moment, taking in a breath of air. His throat felt tight, his entire body felt tight and ready to explode.

"I should go," he uttered to her. "I'll be back later for my things," she nodded to him silently, as he began to move away. He watched her step onto the porch, as she turned around to watch him. When she saw him watching her she pulled back in surprise, and he softly smiled to her.

"I'll always love you," he told her, before walking into the night.

Buffy watched him disappear, as she sat down on the porch, wrapping her arms around her body snuggly. "So will I," she whispered, as she finally began to cry.

A/N: Don't forget to review!!!!!! A new chapter on it's way soon!!