INTRODUCTION 2
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto the white screen once again. SILENT BOB is smoking a cigarette.)
JAY: Hello, once again, little boys and snootchies. (Rolls his eyes.) Aw, fuck dis stupid way of talking. Welcome back, all you no-life motherfuckers, who've decided to waste there time in coming back and reading this second installment of the shittiest fan fic I ever laid eyes on. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) Why da hell are we doin' this? Nobody's comin' back to read dis crap. If da first part was any indication, this homo, T.S. Quint is goin' nowhere fast! I mean, fuck! Even you're queer assed John Hughs movies are better than dis! (SILENT BOB, rolls his eyes and points at the screen. JAY turns to look and jumps, a startled look on his face.) Holy fuck! (Points) Who the fuck are they?!
SILENT BOB: (Takes a drag from his cigarette.) Those would be the "Nobody's comin back to read this crap."
JAY: What the fuck! (Angry now.) I told those fucks not to come back unless.... (his face brightens.)... unless they was horny chicks! (Shouts to the screen.) Hey slutz! Come on down here! Uncle Jay's got somethin' for ya!
SILENT BOB: (Sighs and shakes his head in dismay.) Oh, God...
JAY: What's da matter tubby? (Starts pelvic thrusting.) Is dis shit turnin' you on?
(SILENT BOB looks at him for a moment, takes the cigarette out of his mouth, and extinguishes it on JAY's forehead.)
JAY: (Holding his forehead.) Ow! You stupid fuck! That fuckin' hurt! (SILENT BOB turns and walks away.) Hey! Where the fuck are you goin'! You burned my fuckin' forehead! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! (Storms of after SILENT BOB.) Come back you tubby bitch!
END OF INTODUCTION
EXT. MALL
(The next scene opens showing the parking lot of the Fairview Heights Mall. It is night. The lot is empty, except for a semi truck and trailer parked in front of the main entrance. QUENTIN BENNTING and CHRIS HICKS, dressed all in black, and wearing black ski caps are creepin towards the truck.)
HICKS: (Whispering.) Well, sir, we're here... now could you please explain to me what we're doing?
BENNTING: There is a comic book convention being held here tommorrow. Most of the comics were brought here during the day. Except for the three that were brought in that truck. They arrived minutes before us. They were brought here under the cover of night because of their value.
HICKS: Their value?
BENNTING: An original printing of Action Comics #35, the first appearance of Superman, Detective Comics #16, the first appearance of Batman, and Amazing Fantasy #15, the first appearance of Spider-Man. The first two are signed by Batman creator Bob Kaine, the third, by Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee, making them worth millions. We are going to take them!
HICKS: (Aghast.) But... but that's stealing!
BENNTING: Not stealing. Borrowing. They'll get them back tommorrow.
HICKS: Then what-
BENNTING: I'll explain it later. Right now, we just need to get those comics!
HICKS: Okay... so, how're we going to do this?
BENNTING: The truck's driver is inside the mall getting security clearances, so you'll have to be quick. The comics are probably in a shipping crate in the back. I saw the driver unlock the trailer befor he went inside, so you shouldn't have any problems getting in.
HICKS: Okay.... wait... what do you mean *I*...
BENNTING: I need to keep a safe distance away. In case you get caught, you know. You'll need somebody to talk you out of it!
HICKS: Oh... (Thinks for a moment.) Makes sense. (Starts slowly creeping towards the truck. He makes it without incident. He slowly opens the back of the trailer and climbs in. The trailer is empty, save for a single shipping crate. The words "Of Extreme Value: Handle With Care." are painted on the top. HICKS pulls the lid off of the top of the crate. Inside are the three comics BENNTING was talking about. However, as soon as HICKS removes the comics from the box, and alarm goes off. The TRUCK DRIVER comes rushing out of the mall.)
TRUCK DRIVER: Hey! What're you doing?!
(HICKS screams in a high-pitched womanly tone, grabs the comics, and runs back to BENNTING. The two dash off, exiting the scene.)
TRUCK DRIVER: (Looking inside the truck to see the empty crate.) Oh, I am sooooo gonna get blamed for this!
END OF SCENE
EXT. COREY'S HOUSE
Early the next morning.
(Scene opens showing COREY's front door. LYLE walks up and pound on the door. After a few moments the door opens and a half asleep COREY is standing there in a bathrobe.)
LYLE: (In a lively tone.) Wakey, wakey! It's precisely...(Looks at his watch.) eight fifteen! The mall opens in forty five minutes, so hurry up, get dressed, and let's go!
COREY: Lyle... its eight in the morning!
LYLE: Eight fifteen.
COREY: Why do we have to be there when it opens?!
LYLE: So we can enjoy, to the full extent, the comic book convention! (Scoffs.) What a stupid question. "Why do we have to be there when it opens?"
COREY: (Going back into his house. LYLE follows.) Well, why do we have to leave so early. The mall's like ten minutes from here.
LYLE: We gotta swing by Katja's place and get her.
COREY: (Sarcastically.) Oh, she's gonna love this!
END OF SCENE
EXT. MALL
Forty five minutes later
(Scene open's showing LYLE's car pulling into a parking space in the parking lot of the Fairview Heights Mall. COREY, LYLE, and KATJA get out and walk through the lot. LYLE is carrying with him a black back pack.)
COREY: (To KATJA.) I can't believe you were sitting on your front porch waiting for us.
KATJA: What's so hard to believe about that? I kind of expected that Lyle would want to be here the instant the mall opened. And I figured he'd be by your house around eight or eight fifteen to pick you up, then come and get me afterward. So I made sure I was up by eight twenty.
COREY: You figured all that?
KATJA: Lyle... comics convention at the mall... yep.
LYLE: At least one of my friends knows where I'm coming from! I mean come on! It's comics, man! We have to be able to enjoy this convention to the full extent! What better way then to be there from open to close?
COREY: Open to close?!
KATJA: Figured that, too.
LYLE: (To COREY.) Damn, man! She's making you look like an idiot!
COREY: What time does the mall close?
LYLE: Normally at nine pm, but because of the convention, they won't be closing 'til midnight tonight! Fifteen hours of comics and mallratting! Does it get any better? I think not!
COREY: (Shaking his head.) I knew I should've stayed home today...
KATJA: Jeez! You're so boring, Corey!
(They enter the mall.)
LYLE: (Takes a deep breath.) I LOVE the smell of commerce in the morning!
(They continue walking, KATJA looking slightly confused, while COREY looks a bit annoyed.)
COREY: (To LYLE.) Is everything you do plagerized from a Kevin Smith movie?
LYLE: Pretty much.
(Suddenly, as they are walking, a loud tone rings out. A P.A. VOICE announces.)
P.A. VOICE: (Cheerfully.) Good morning shoppers! We'd just like to remind you that you are in a mall, and you are expected to spend money while you're here! So what are you waiting for? Consume, consume, consume!
LYLE: (Looking around.) I didn't know this mall had a P.A. System.... I wonder where it's coming from. (As he's walking, still looking around, he suddenly bumps into yellow police caution tape. He pauses, and slowly an angry look crosses his face. The camera follows his gaze to show tables set up for the convention, even covered in comics... but they're all blocked off by the yellow caution tape.) What the hell is this all about?! What's with all the yellow tape?! Why can't I look at the comics?!
COREY: Maybe they aren't finished setting up?
LYLE: Impossible. They were setting up all yesterday! They should've been done by now!
COREY: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
LYLE: (Thinks for a minute.) I'm gonna get some answers. Come with me.
(Scene switches to show JARRET RYKER standing in front of the Victoria's Secret store. He is a bit shorter than COREY, his older cousin. He has parted blonde hair, brown eyes, and is wearing baggy blue jean shorts, a black t-shirt, and a bright red over shirt. A pretty blonde haired girl walks out of the store.)
JARRETT: (Smiling to the girl.) Hey, baby. (Winks.) How you doin'?
BLONDE GIRL: Ugh! Pig! (Storms off and exits scene.)
JARRET: (Nods, watching her leave.) She'll be back.
(LYLE, COREY, and KATJA all walk up.)
LYLE: Hey, Jarrett. How goes the chick picking up?
JARRETT: Oh, hey, Lyle. Corey. (Smiles and winks at KATJA.) Hey, Katja. How you doin'?
KATJA: (Rolls her eyes.) Oh, brother...
JARRET: (To COREY and LYLE.) So, what's up?
LYLE: Well, frankly, I'm pissed off!
COREY: He's all upset because the convention's not open yet.
JARRETT: Oh, that! Well, it seems three of the most valuable comics were stolen last night.
LYLE: Really? How valuable.
JARRETT: All together they were worth at least five mil.
COREY: Five million dollars?! Good Lord! Which ones were they?!
JARRETT: Detective Comics #16, Action Comics #35, and Amazing Fantasy #15, all signed by their respective creators, Bob Kaine, and Stan Lee.
LYLE: (Aghast.) Who could be so heinous as to commit such a crime?!
JARRETT: (Shrugs.) All I know is that they were stolen from their delivery truck last night, and because of it, the comics con will be opening an hour late.
LYLE: Damn. Well, thanks, Jarrett. (He, COREY, and KATJA leave.)
JARRETT: No problem. (Another girl, a brunette, walks out of the store.) Hey, baby. Wanna do it? (The girls smacks him and storms off exiting the scene. JARRETT nods.) She'll be back.
(Scene switches to show LYLE, COREY, and KATJA walking through the mall again.)
LYLE: Damn! Now we gotta wait another hour!
KATJA: (Shrugs.) Oh, well. It could've been worse.
COREY: Yeah. They could've just totally canceled the whole convention. (His eyes grow wide as he sees something over LYLE's shoulder.) Oh, shit!
(The camera follows COREY's gaze, showing SHEILA PORTMANN, and SEAN WILLIAMS walking through the mall, some distance from our heroes. COREY dives behind LYLE to avoid being seen.)
KATJA: They really DID hook up!
COREY: (Quietly.) I don't believe this! And to make matter's worse, Sean'll probably beat the crap outta me again if he sees me! (Ducks behind LYLE again as SEAN and SHEILA pass. When they are out of sight he moves back into the open.) Man! What am I gonna do?!
LYLE: (Thinking.) Hmmm... what you need is some protection...
COREY: Psh! I'll say!
LYLE: (A smile forms on his face.) And I know just the guys for the job!
(Scene switches to show PAUL and SILENT ZACH standing in front of the mall arcade. PAUL basically looks like a youg, 17 year old version of his uncle, JAY. SILENT ZACH too looks like a younger version of his unlce, SILENT BOB, only without the beard. SILENT ZACH is holding a little kid upside down by the ankles, and shaking him up and down. PAUL is kneeling down, picking up the change that has fallen out of the kid's pockets.)
PAUL: (Standing back up and counting the change.) Fuck! This ain't even enought to buy two tokens!
LITTLE KID: (Upside down, grinning.) My brain feels funny!
PAUL: (To SILENT ZACH.) Put the little shit down. We got his money. He's useless now.
(SILENT ZACH carefully lets the kid down.)
LITTLE KID: (Still grinning.) I eat glue!
PAUL: (To the little kid.) Fuck off!
LITTLE KID: Okay! (He skips off, exiting the scene.)
(LYLE walks up, along with COREY and KATJA.)
LYLE: Stealing from little kids again?
PAUL: Lyle! Snootchie bootchies! And this depressed lookin' motherfucker must be Corey! And this fine assed chick must be Katja.
LYLE: Corey, Katja, this is Paul, and the big guy next to him is Silent Zach.
KATJA: Hi.
COREY: How's it going?
PAUL: 'Sup? (SILENT ZACH merely nods.)
LYLE: So, Paul, my friend Corey here was wantin' to know what you guys think about protection.
PAUL: Protection? Well, I dunno about lunchbox here, but I prefer Trojan. All the other ones tear too easy, you know what I'm sayin'? (SILENT ZACH rolls his eyes and shakes his head.)
LYLE: I'm not talking about condums, you idiot. I mean bodygaurd protection!
PAUL: Ooooh! (Narrows his eyes.) What's in it for us?
LYLE: A crisp, non-counterfit, five dollar bill.
PAUL: (Looks at SILENT ZACH. SILENT ZACH shrugs. PAUL turns back to LYLE.) Alright, we'll do it. We want the money up front though.
LYLE: Of course you do. Corey... the money.
COREY:...What?
LYLE: Give 'em the money. (COREY glares at LYLE a moment in disbelief.) ...What?! You thought I was paying for this? I'm not the one that needs protection!
COREY: I didn't realize there was going to be money involved at all!
LYLE: Of course there is! Bodyguard protection doesn't come cheap! (COREY glares at LYLE a moment longer, then sighs and pulls out his wallet, taking out a five dollar bill. Before he can do anything else, LYLE snatches it from him, and hands it to PAUL.) Here ya go, fellas. Straight from me to you!
PAUL: Alrighty then. Who're we protectin' ya from?
COREY: You know who Sean Williams is?
PAUL: You mean that prep from school? (COREY nods.) Fuck yeah, I know who he is! I've always wanted to kick the shit outta that asshole! Alright, here's what you do: If Williams starts botherin' ya, just shout our names, and the motherfucker will be toast in seconds. Alright?
COREY: But what if you guys are on the other side of the-
PAUL: Trust me. We'll hear ya. Silent Zach here's got ears like a bat. He's like friggin' Superman and shit! He once helped me find my cat, just by listenin' for the sound of it takin' a piss. Hell, he's friggin' better than Superman!
COREY: I hope you're right.
PAUL: Don't worry. We got it covered. (To SILENT ZACH.) Come on, Silent Zach. I just saw two fine ass lookin' bitches go into the Bath and Bodyworks shop! Naga nootch! Catch ya later, Lyleman! (PAUL and SILENT ZACH exit the scene.)
COREY: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I'm feeling much safer now.
LYLE: Hey, they may be a little on the stupid side, but when it comes to making money, they always get the job done.
KATJA: What does "snootchie bootchies" mean?
LYLE: I haven't the slightest. (Looks at his watch.) Dammit! Still thirty minutes 'til the convention opens. What can we do for the next half hour?
COREY: We could leave.
LYLE: We couldn't do anything and still be back in thirty minutes.
COREY: Who said anything about coming back?
KATJA: I wish you'd stop acting like that.
COREY: Stop acting like what?
LYLE: (Not paying attention to their conversation.) Well, I guess since I can't check out the convention yet, I could go upstairs and check out the comics store.
KATJA: (To COREY.) Like you're having such a horrible time. Maybe if you'd just try to enjoy yourself instead of wallowing in self-pity...
(The P.A. System suddenly beeps loudly.)
P.A. SYSTEM: Attention mall shoppers. Would a Mr. Jass please come to the main office? Repeat, Mr. Hugh Jass, please come to the... ( the voice pauses as slight laughter is heard in the background. The P.A. VOICE suddenly sounds angry.) Oh, ha ha, guys! Verrrrry mature. Yeah, let's all make an ass out of the intern on his first day! What do you mean it's still on?!... oh...
LYLE: Okay, seriously! Where is that coming from?
COREY: (To KATJA.) Well, I'm sorry if I'm not having any fun after gettion completely rejected by the girl I like, getting the shit kicked outta me by a guy I hate, getting dragged outta bed at eight fifteen to go to a comic book convention at a mall, finding out the guy I hate has hooked up with the girl I like and is at the mall, and having to hire two stoners to protect me from said guy.
LYLE: Ah, quit your bitchin'. Come on. We're goin' to the comic store.
END OF SCENE
INT. MALL
(Scene opens with HICKS and BENNTING entering the mall. BENNTING is carrying a black back pack, identical to the one LYLE carries with him. The two begin walking.)
HICKS: I really don't understand the point of taking those comics last night if we're just going to return them now, sir. (Points to the back pack.) And why are you carrying them around in *that*?
BENNTING: We're not returning the comics just yet, my dear stupid flunky. And I have my reasons for keeping them in this bag.
HICKS: Does it have anything to do with your plan to get rid of Lyle Grant?
BENNTING: All will be revealed in due time. (They pass the comics tables with the yellow "caution" tape wrapped around them.) Ah, excellent! The convention hasn't started yet. I'm sure the instant it does, Grant will come running. Then my plan will be set into motion! Now all we have to do is wait. (Begins laughing maniacally. HICKS chimes in with his own diabolical laugh. The camera pans up to show PAUL and SILENT ZACH standing on the level above BENNTING and HICKS.)
PAUL: (Looking over the railing at BENNTING and HICKS.) Would you look at these two homos, Silent Zach? Laughing like a pair of queer ass movie villains. (Smiles.) Hey. Watch this! (Begins snorting and clearing his throat. Hocks a loogie over the rail.)
BENNTING: (From below.) Ack! What the hell?!
PAUL: (Turns to SILENT ZACH.) Heh. Nootch!
(SILENT ZACH rolls his eyes.)
END OF SCENE
INT. MALL, COMICS STORE
(Scene opens with a very bored looking JASON PHELPS standing behind the counter of the comics store. He is seventeen and stands about 5'6", with combed brown hair. He has blue eyes and wears glasses. He is wearing blue jeans, a black shirt, and a red flannel over the shirt. Behind him, DEAN PONIVAS, aka PONTI is keeping himself busy moving boxes, stacking cards, etc. He is sixteen, a little shorter than JASON, with black hair, and brown eyes. He is wearing a green sweater and blue jeans. ERIK THE RED walks up, leafing through an issue of Extreme X-Men. He is eighteen, standing about 6'1" with shoulder length black hair. He has green eyes, and is wearing a red Cardinals baseball cap, a white t-shirt ,with a red over shirt, and baggy blue jeans.)
ERIK: Damn, this is the biggest piece of shit Marvel has crapped out to date.
JASON: Then why are you still reading it?
ERIK: For continuity's sake.
JASON: Continuity's sake?
ERIK: Yeah. If Marvel ever pulls themselves out of this rut they're currently in, I wanna be able to know what's going on. Even if it is crappy, they can't just pretend it never happened later.
JASON: I guess that makes sense.
ERIK: Of course it does. (As he says this, a little kid walks up to the counter. To the little kid.) What the hell do *you* want?
JASON: Erik!
ERIK: What?!
JASON: (To the little kid.) I'm sorry. Can I help you?
LITTLE KID: Do you sell Pokemon cards?
(PONTI, who has been working in the background this whole time suddenly freezes and drops the box he is holding. Slowly he turns to the little kid, a wild look in his eyes.)
PONTI: I... hate... POKEMON! (He shrieks, leaps over the counter, and rushes at the little kid. The little kid screams and runs off, exiting the scene. PONTI stops, nods once, and goes back to work.)
JASON: (Thumps his head against the counter.) I hate my life. I really do.
ERIK: Well, if it's any consolation, Jason, I hate your life too.
JASON: (Sarcastically.) Gee, thanks Erik.
ERIK: No problem. (Goes back to reading his comic.)
(JASON sighs and thumps his head against the counter again. LYLE, COREY, and KATJA enter the comic store.)
LYLE: (Takes a deep breath.) Ah, comics. God's greatest gift to man! Well, besides that whole Jesus thing. (Notices JASON and ERIK.) Hey, I didn't know you guys were working today.
JASON: Where've you been. We work every day. Except Sunday. The mall's closed on Sunday.
ERIK: Well, then there's Ponti. He lives here.
KATJA: Real dedicated worker, huh?
ERIK: No, I mean literally. He lives here.
KATJA: Oh... (Looks at PONTI. He smiles and waves at her.) Well, that's not at all sad...
ERIK: So, Lyle, what brings you and your entorage here today?
LYLE: What else? The comics con of course.
COREY: That and the fact that you're here everyday, anyway.
LYLE: Yeah, that too. (Sees the comic ERIK is reading.) Hey, isn't that the newest Extreme X-Men?
ERIK: Yep.
LYLE: Doesn't it suck the monkey?
ERIK: Big time.
LYLE: Okay, so anyway, I got... (Looks at his watch.) twenty-five minutes to kill. You guys got anything new?
JASON: Not since yesterday.
LYLE: Hm... damn. Well... (Walks over to the shelves and picks out a copy of the very same comic ERIK is reading.) I'll take this one.
COREY: I thought you just said that issue sucked?
LYLE: I did. It does.
COREY: The why are you buying it?!
LYLE: For continuity's sake! If Marvel ever pulls themselves out of this rut they're in, I wanna be able to know what's going on. They can't just pretend it didn't happen later.
JASON: (In a bored tone.) Hm... deja vu.
(COREY and LYLE look at him strangely.)
ERIK: (Breaking the silence.) So, didja hear why teh convention is opening late?
LYLE: Yeah! Some commie-nazi stole the signature comics!
ERIK: Yep. Stole it right from the delivery truck. Driver just barely got a glimpse of the guy. Said he looked like a teenager.
LYLE: Really? Grrr... if I ever find out who it was, there will be hell to pay!
COREY: (In an exasperated tone.) Can we go yet?
LYLE: (Looks at his watch.) Not yet! There's still twently minutes 'til the convention!
ERIK: What's with him?
COREY: Nothing.
LYLE: Who, loverboy here? He's upset because he asked out his dream girl, Sheila Portmann, yesterday and got royally shot down. She said he was beneath her.
ERIK: Now *that's* funny. (Thinks for a minute.) Wait a minute... *beneath* her?
LYLE: Sean Williams kicked the crap outta him, too.
JASON: Really? Why?
LYLE: Cause Sheila is (makes quotation marks with his fingers.) "his girl". He's here at the mall with her too.
ERIK: (To COREY.) He'll probably beat the crap outta you again if he sees you.
LYLE: Which is exactly why I hired Paul and Silent Zach to keep an eye on him.
JASON: Oh... (To COREY.) I'm sorry.
COREY: (To LYLE.) Well, thanks for sharing my personal life with everyone!
LYLE: Oh, what?! It's not like the whole mall heard!
(A young man walks into the comics store.)
YOUNG MAN: (To COREY.) Hey, aren't you the guy that got shot down by Sheila Portmann?
(COREY groans in annoyance and storms out of the comics store, exiting the scene. LYLE and KATJA follow as well.)
YOUNG MAN: (Watching them leave.) Jeez, what's with them? (Turns to JASON.) Do you guys sell Pokemon cards?
(PONTI drops the box he is currently carrying and slowly turns to the young man.)
END OF SCENE
TO BE CONTINUED.....
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto the white screen.)
JAY: Once again, you fuckers have wasted another portion of your useless lives readin' this shit. I hope you've learned your lesson, and will heed my advice from now on. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) Shit, bitch, where the fuck were those horny chicks! That really friggin' pisses me off! (Turns to the screen.) Fuck you all! Stupid bitches! (Storms off. A few seconds after he is gone, three gorgeous and scantily clad women walk out. SILENT BOB starts when he sees them.)
WOMAN #1: (To SILENT BOB.) Have you seen that sexy Jay anywhere around here?
WOMAN #2: We read this fic last time we were here. He told all the horny chicks to come back... well... here we are!
WOMAN #3: Yeah... have you seen him.
SILENT BOB: Actually.... no.. he's not here. He didn't show up today. As a matter of fact, last I heard, he was skippin' today to go out on a date with some guy.
WOMAN #1: Pffft... figures.
WOMAN#2: Well this is the last time that jackass stands me up!
WOMAN #3: Fucking queer!
(The three women exit the scene. After a few moments, SILENT BOB, very pleased with himself, does likewise.)
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto the white screen once again. SILENT BOB is smoking a cigarette.)
JAY: Hello, once again, little boys and snootchies. (Rolls his eyes.) Aw, fuck dis stupid way of talking. Welcome back, all you no-life motherfuckers, who've decided to waste there time in coming back and reading this second installment of the shittiest fan fic I ever laid eyes on. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) Why da hell are we doin' this? Nobody's comin' back to read dis crap. If da first part was any indication, this homo, T.S. Quint is goin' nowhere fast! I mean, fuck! Even you're queer assed John Hughs movies are better than dis! (SILENT BOB, rolls his eyes and points at the screen. JAY turns to look and jumps, a startled look on his face.) Holy fuck! (Points) Who the fuck are they?!
SILENT BOB: (Takes a drag from his cigarette.) Those would be the "Nobody's comin back to read this crap."
JAY: What the fuck! (Angry now.) I told those fucks not to come back unless.... (his face brightens.)... unless they was horny chicks! (Shouts to the screen.) Hey slutz! Come on down here! Uncle Jay's got somethin' for ya!
SILENT BOB: (Sighs and shakes his head in dismay.) Oh, God...
JAY: What's da matter tubby? (Starts pelvic thrusting.) Is dis shit turnin' you on?
(SILENT BOB looks at him for a moment, takes the cigarette out of his mouth, and extinguishes it on JAY's forehead.)
JAY: (Holding his forehead.) Ow! You stupid fuck! That fuckin' hurt! (SILENT BOB turns and walks away.) Hey! Where the fuck are you goin'! You burned my fuckin' forehead! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! (Storms of after SILENT BOB.) Come back you tubby bitch!
END OF INTODUCTION
EXT. MALL
(The next scene opens showing the parking lot of the Fairview Heights Mall. It is night. The lot is empty, except for a semi truck and trailer parked in front of the main entrance. QUENTIN BENNTING and CHRIS HICKS, dressed all in black, and wearing black ski caps are creepin towards the truck.)
HICKS: (Whispering.) Well, sir, we're here... now could you please explain to me what we're doing?
BENNTING: There is a comic book convention being held here tommorrow. Most of the comics were brought here during the day. Except for the three that were brought in that truck. They arrived minutes before us. They were brought here under the cover of night because of their value.
HICKS: Their value?
BENNTING: An original printing of Action Comics #35, the first appearance of Superman, Detective Comics #16, the first appearance of Batman, and Amazing Fantasy #15, the first appearance of Spider-Man. The first two are signed by Batman creator Bob Kaine, the third, by Marvel Comics legend Stan Lee, making them worth millions. We are going to take them!
HICKS: (Aghast.) But... but that's stealing!
BENNTING: Not stealing. Borrowing. They'll get them back tommorrow.
HICKS: Then what-
BENNTING: I'll explain it later. Right now, we just need to get those comics!
HICKS: Okay... so, how're we going to do this?
BENNTING: The truck's driver is inside the mall getting security clearances, so you'll have to be quick. The comics are probably in a shipping crate in the back. I saw the driver unlock the trailer befor he went inside, so you shouldn't have any problems getting in.
HICKS: Okay.... wait... what do you mean *I*...
BENNTING: I need to keep a safe distance away. In case you get caught, you know. You'll need somebody to talk you out of it!
HICKS: Oh... (Thinks for a moment.) Makes sense. (Starts slowly creeping towards the truck. He makes it without incident. He slowly opens the back of the trailer and climbs in. The trailer is empty, save for a single shipping crate. The words "Of Extreme Value: Handle With Care." are painted on the top. HICKS pulls the lid off of the top of the crate. Inside are the three comics BENNTING was talking about. However, as soon as HICKS removes the comics from the box, and alarm goes off. The TRUCK DRIVER comes rushing out of the mall.)
TRUCK DRIVER: Hey! What're you doing?!
(HICKS screams in a high-pitched womanly tone, grabs the comics, and runs back to BENNTING. The two dash off, exiting the scene.)
TRUCK DRIVER: (Looking inside the truck to see the empty crate.) Oh, I am sooooo gonna get blamed for this!
END OF SCENE
EXT. COREY'S HOUSE
Early the next morning.
(Scene opens showing COREY's front door. LYLE walks up and pound on the door. After a few moments the door opens and a half asleep COREY is standing there in a bathrobe.)
LYLE: (In a lively tone.) Wakey, wakey! It's precisely...(Looks at his watch.) eight fifteen! The mall opens in forty five minutes, so hurry up, get dressed, and let's go!
COREY: Lyle... its eight in the morning!
LYLE: Eight fifteen.
COREY: Why do we have to be there when it opens?!
LYLE: So we can enjoy, to the full extent, the comic book convention! (Scoffs.) What a stupid question. "Why do we have to be there when it opens?"
COREY: (Going back into his house. LYLE follows.) Well, why do we have to leave so early. The mall's like ten minutes from here.
LYLE: We gotta swing by Katja's place and get her.
COREY: (Sarcastically.) Oh, she's gonna love this!
END OF SCENE
EXT. MALL
Forty five minutes later
(Scene open's showing LYLE's car pulling into a parking space in the parking lot of the Fairview Heights Mall. COREY, LYLE, and KATJA get out and walk through the lot. LYLE is carrying with him a black back pack.)
COREY: (To KATJA.) I can't believe you were sitting on your front porch waiting for us.
KATJA: What's so hard to believe about that? I kind of expected that Lyle would want to be here the instant the mall opened. And I figured he'd be by your house around eight or eight fifteen to pick you up, then come and get me afterward. So I made sure I was up by eight twenty.
COREY: You figured all that?
KATJA: Lyle... comics convention at the mall... yep.
LYLE: At least one of my friends knows where I'm coming from! I mean come on! It's comics, man! We have to be able to enjoy this convention to the full extent! What better way then to be there from open to close?
COREY: Open to close?!
KATJA: Figured that, too.
LYLE: (To COREY.) Damn, man! She's making you look like an idiot!
COREY: What time does the mall close?
LYLE: Normally at nine pm, but because of the convention, they won't be closing 'til midnight tonight! Fifteen hours of comics and mallratting! Does it get any better? I think not!
COREY: (Shaking his head.) I knew I should've stayed home today...
KATJA: Jeez! You're so boring, Corey!
(They enter the mall.)
LYLE: (Takes a deep breath.) I LOVE the smell of commerce in the morning!
(They continue walking, KATJA looking slightly confused, while COREY looks a bit annoyed.)
COREY: (To LYLE.) Is everything you do plagerized from a Kevin Smith movie?
LYLE: Pretty much.
(Suddenly, as they are walking, a loud tone rings out. A P.A. VOICE announces.)
P.A. VOICE: (Cheerfully.) Good morning shoppers! We'd just like to remind you that you are in a mall, and you are expected to spend money while you're here! So what are you waiting for? Consume, consume, consume!
LYLE: (Looking around.) I didn't know this mall had a P.A. System.... I wonder where it's coming from. (As he's walking, still looking around, he suddenly bumps into yellow police caution tape. He pauses, and slowly an angry look crosses his face. The camera follows his gaze to show tables set up for the convention, even covered in comics... but they're all blocked off by the yellow caution tape.) What the hell is this all about?! What's with all the yellow tape?! Why can't I look at the comics?!
COREY: Maybe they aren't finished setting up?
LYLE: Impossible. They were setting up all yesterday! They should've been done by now!
COREY: Well, I don't know what to tell you.
LYLE: (Thinks for a minute.) I'm gonna get some answers. Come with me.
(Scene switches to show JARRET RYKER standing in front of the Victoria's Secret store. He is a bit shorter than COREY, his older cousin. He has parted blonde hair, brown eyes, and is wearing baggy blue jean shorts, a black t-shirt, and a bright red over shirt. A pretty blonde haired girl walks out of the store.)
JARRETT: (Smiling to the girl.) Hey, baby. (Winks.) How you doin'?
BLONDE GIRL: Ugh! Pig! (Storms off and exits scene.)
JARRET: (Nods, watching her leave.) She'll be back.
(LYLE, COREY, and KATJA all walk up.)
LYLE: Hey, Jarrett. How goes the chick picking up?
JARRETT: Oh, hey, Lyle. Corey. (Smiles and winks at KATJA.) Hey, Katja. How you doin'?
KATJA: (Rolls her eyes.) Oh, brother...
JARRET: (To COREY and LYLE.) So, what's up?
LYLE: Well, frankly, I'm pissed off!
COREY: He's all upset because the convention's not open yet.
JARRETT: Oh, that! Well, it seems three of the most valuable comics were stolen last night.
LYLE: Really? How valuable.
JARRETT: All together they were worth at least five mil.
COREY: Five million dollars?! Good Lord! Which ones were they?!
JARRETT: Detective Comics #16, Action Comics #35, and Amazing Fantasy #15, all signed by their respective creators, Bob Kaine, and Stan Lee.
LYLE: (Aghast.) Who could be so heinous as to commit such a crime?!
JARRETT: (Shrugs.) All I know is that they were stolen from their delivery truck last night, and because of it, the comics con will be opening an hour late.
LYLE: Damn. Well, thanks, Jarrett. (He, COREY, and KATJA leave.)
JARRETT: No problem. (Another girl, a brunette, walks out of the store.) Hey, baby. Wanna do it? (The girls smacks him and storms off exiting the scene. JARRETT nods.) She'll be back.
(Scene switches to show LYLE, COREY, and KATJA walking through the mall again.)
LYLE: Damn! Now we gotta wait another hour!
KATJA: (Shrugs.) Oh, well. It could've been worse.
COREY: Yeah. They could've just totally canceled the whole convention. (His eyes grow wide as he sees something over LYLE's shoulder.) Oh, shit!
(The camera follows COREY's gaze, showing SHEILA PORTMANN, and SEAN WILLIAMS walking through the mall, some distance from our heroes. COREY dives behind LYLE to avoid being seen.)
KATJA: They really DID hook up!
COREY: (Quietly.) I don't believe this! And to make matter's worse, Sean'll probably beat the crap outta me again if he sees me! (Ducks behind LYLE again as SEAN and SHEILA pass. When they are out of sight he moves back into the open.) Man! What am I gonna do?!
LYLE: (Thinking.) Hmmm... what you need is some protection...
COREY: Psh! I'll say!
LYLE: (A smile forms on his face.) And I know just the guys for the job!
(Scene switches to show PAUL and SILENT ZACH standing in front of the mall arcade. PAUL basically looks like a youg, 17 year old version of his uncle, JAY. SILENT ZACH too looks like a younger version of his unlce, SILENT BOB, only without the beard. SILENT ZACH is holding a little kid upside down by the ankles, and shaking him up and down. PAUL is kneeling down, picking up the change that has fallen out of the kid's pockets.)
PAUL: (Standing back up and counting the change.) Fuck! This ain't even enought to buy two tokens!
LITTLE KID: (Upside down, grinning.) My brain feels funny!
PAUL: (To SILENT ZACH.) Put the little shit down. We got his money. He's useless now.
(SILENT ZACH carefully lets the kid down.)
LITTLE KID: (Still grinning.) I eat glue!
PAUL: (To the little kid.) Fuck off!
LITTLE KID: Okay! (He skips off, exiting the scene.)
(LYLE walks up, along with COREY and KATJA.)
LYLE: Stealing from little kids again?
PAUL: Lyle! Snootchie bootchies! And this depressed lookin' motherfucker must be Corey! And this fine assed chick must be Katja.
LYLE: Corey, Katja, this is Paul, and the big guy next to him is Silent Zach.
KATJA: Hi.
COREY: How's it going?
PAUL: 'Sup? (SILENT ZACH merely nods.)
LYLE: So, Paul, my friend Corey here was wantin' to know what you guys think about protection.
PAUL: Protection? Well, I dunno about lunchbox here, but I prefer Trojan. All the other ones tear too easy, you know what I'm sayin'? (SILENT ZACH rolls his eyes and shakes his head.)
LYLE: I'm not talking about condums, you idiot. I mean bodygaurd protection!
PAUL: Ooooh! (Narrows his eyes.) What's in it for us?
LYLE: A crisp, non-counterfit, five dollar bill.
PAUL: (Looks at SILENT ZACH. SILENT ZACH shrugs. PAUL turns back to LYLE.) Alright, we'll do it. We want the money up front though.
LYLE: Of course you do. Corey... the money.
COREY:...What?
LYLE: Give 'em the money. (COREY glares at LYLE a moment in disbelief.) ...What?! You thought I was paying for this? I'm not the one that needs protection!
COREY: I didn't realize there was going to be money involved at all!
LYLE: Of course there is! Bodyguard protection doesn't come cheap! (COREY glares at LYLE a moment longer, then sighs and pulls out his wallet, taking out a five dollar bill. Before he can do anything else, LYLE snatches it from him, and hands it to PAUL.) Here ya go, fellas. Straight from me to you!
PAUL: Alrighty then. Who're we protectin' ya from?
COREY: You know who Sean Williams is?
PAUL: You mean that prep from school? (COREY nods.) Fuck yeah, I know who he is! I've always wanted to kick the shit outta that asshole! Alright, here's what you do: If Williams starts botherin' ya, just shout our names, and the motherfucker will be toast in seconds. Alright?
COREY: But what if you guys are on the other side of the-
PAUL: Trust me. We'll hear ya. Silent Zach here's got ears like a bat. He's like friggin' Superman and shit! He once helped me find my cat, just by listenin' for the sound of it takin' a piss. Hell, he's friggin' better than Superman!
COREY: I hope you're right.
PAUL: Don't worry. We got it covered. (To SILENT ZACH.) Come on, Silent Zach. I just saw two fine ass lookin' bitches go into the Bath and Bodyworks shop! Naga nootch! Catch ya later, Lyleman! (PAUL and SILENT ZACH exit the scene.)
COREY: (Sarcastically.) Oh, I'm feeling much safer now.
LYLE: Hey, they may be a little on the stupid side, but when it comes to making money, they always get the job done.
KATJA: What does "snootchie bootchies" mean?
LYLE: I haven't the slightest. (Looks at his watch.) Dammit! Still thirty minutes 'til the convention opens. What can we do for the next half hour?
COREY: We could leave.
LYLE: We couldn't do anything and still be back in thirty minutes.
COREY: Who said anything about coming back?
KATJA: I wish you'd stop acting like that.
COREY: Stop acting like what?
LYLE: (Not paying attention to their conversation.) Well, I guess since I can't check out the convention yet, I could go upstairs and check out the comics store.
KATJA: (To COREY.) Like you're having such a horrible time. Maybe if you'd just try to enjoy yourself instead of wallowing in self-pity...
(The P.A. System suddenly beeps loudly.)
P.A. SYSTEM: Attention mall shoppers. Would a Mr. Jass please come to the main office? Repeat, Mr. Hugh Jass, please come to the... ( the voice pauses as slight laughter is heard in the background. The P.A. VOICE suddenly sounds angry.) Oh, ha ha, guys! Verrrrry mature. Yeah, let's all make an ass out of the intern on his first day! What do you mean it's still on?!... oh...
LYLE: Okay, seriously! Where is that coming from?
COREY: (To KATJA.) Well, I'm sorry if I'm not having any fun after gettion completely rejected by the girl I like, getting the shit kicked outta me by a guy I hate, getting dragged outta bed at eight fifteen to go to a comic book convention at a mall, finding out the guy I hate has hooked up with the girl I like and is at the mall, and having to hire two stoners to protect me from said guy.
LYLE: Ah, quit your bitchin'. Come on. We're goin' to the comic store.
END OF SCENE
INT. MALL
(Scene opens with HICKS and BENNTING entering the mall. BENNTING is carrying a black back pack, identical to the one LYLE carries with him. The two begin walking.)
HICKS: I really don't understand the point of taking those comics last night if we're just going to return them now, sir. (Points to the back pack.) And why are you carrying them around in *that*?
BENNTING: We're not returning the comics just yet, my dear stupid flunky. And I have my reasons for keeping them in this bag.
HICKS: Does it have anything to do with your plan to get rid of Lyle Grant?
BENNTING: All will be revealed in due time. (They pass the comics tables with the yellow "caution" tape wrapped around them.) Ah, excellent! The convention hasn't started yet. I'm sure the instant it does, Grant will come running. Then my plan will be set into motion! Now all we have to do is wait. (Begins laughing maniacally. HICKS chimes in with his own diabolical laugh. The camera pans up to show PAUL and SILENT ZACH standing on the level above BENNTING and HICKS.)
PAUL: (Looking over the railing at BENNTING and HICKS.) Would you look at these two homos, Silent Zach? Laughing like a pair of queer ass movie villains. (Smiles.) Hey. Watch this! (Begins snorting and clearing his throat. Hocks a loogie over the rail.)
BENNTING: (From below.) Ack! What the hell?!
PAUL: (Turns to SILENT ZACH.) Heh. Nootch!
(SILENT ZACH rolls his eyes.)
END OF SCENE
INT. MALL, COMICS STORE
(Scene opens with a very bored looking JASON PHELPS standing behind the counter of the comics store. He is seventeen and stands about 5'6", with combed brown hair. He has blue eyes and wears glasses. He is wearing blue jeans, a black shirt, and a red flannel over the shirt. Behind him, DEAN PONIVAS, aka PONTI is keeping himself busy moving boxes, stacking cards, etc. He is sixteen, a little shorter than JASON, with black hair, and brown eyes. He is wearing a green sweater and blue jeans. ERIK THE RED walks up, leafing through an issue of Extreme X-Men. He is eighteen, standing about 6'1" with shoulder length black hair. He has green eyes, and is wearing a red Cardinals baseball cap, a white t-shirt ,with a red over shirt, and baggy blue jeans.)
ERIK: Damn, this is the biggest piece of shit Marvel has crapped out to date.
JASON: Then why are you still reading it?
ERIK: For continuity's sake.
JASON: Continuity's sake?
ERIK: Yeah. If Marvel ever pulls themselves out of this rut they're currently in, I wanna be able to know what's going on. Even if it is crappy, they can't just pretend it never happened later.
JASON: I guess that makes sense.
ERIK: Of course it does. (As he says this, a little kid walks up to the counter. To the little kid.) What the hell do *you* want?
JASON: Erik!
ERIK: What?!
JASON: (To the little kid.) I'm sorry. Can I help you?
LITTLE KID: Do you sell Pokemon cards?
(PONTI, who has been working in the background this whole time suddenly freezes and drops the box he is holding. Slowly he turns to the little kid, a wild look in his eyes.)
PONTI: I... hate... POKEMON! (He shrieks, leaps over the counter, and rushes at the little kid. The little kid screams and runs off, exiting the scene. PONTI stops, nods once, and goes back to work.)
JASON: (Thumps his head against the counter.) I hate my life. I really do.
ERIK: Well, if it's any consolation, Jason, I hate your life too.
JASON: (Sarcastically.) Gee, thanks Erik.
ERIK: No problem. (Goes back to reading his comic.)
(JASON sighs and thumps his head against the counter again. LYLE, COREY, and KATJA enter the comic store.)
LYLE: (Takes a deep breath.) Ah, comics. God's greatest gift to man! Well, besides that whole Jesus thing. (Notices JASON and ERIK.) Hey, I didn't know you guys were working today.
JASON: Where've you been. We work every day. Except Sunday. The mall's closed on Sunday.
ERIK: Well, then there's Ponti. He lives here.
KATJA: Real dedicated worker, huh?
ERIK: No, I mean literally. He lives here.
KATJA: Oh... (Looks at PONTI. He smiles and waves at her.) Well, that's not at all sad...
ERIK: So, Lyle, what brings you and your entorage here today?
LYLE: What else? The comics con of course.
COREY: That and the fact that you're here everyday, anyway.
LYLE: Yeah, that too. (Sees the comic ERIK is reading.) Hey, isn't that the newest Extreme X-Men?
ERIK: Yep.
LYLE: Doesn't it suck the monkey?
ERIK: Big time.
LYLE: Okay, so anyway, I got... (Looks at his watch.) twenty-five minutes to kill. You guys got anything new?
JASON: Not since yesterday.
LYLE: Hm... damn. Well... (Walks over to the shelves and picks out a copy of the very same comic ERIK is reading.) I'll take this one.
COREY: I thought you just said that issue sucked?
LYLE: I did. It does.
COREY: The why are you buying it?!
LYLE: For continuity's sake! If Marvel ever pulls themselves out of this rut they're in, I wanna be able to know what's going on. They can't just pretend it didn't happen later.
JASON: (In a bored tone.) Hm... deja vu.
(COREY and LYLE look at him strangely.)
ERIK: (Breaking the silence.) So, didja hear why teh convention is opening late?
LYLE: Yeah! Some commie-nazi stole the signature comics!
ERIK: Yep. Stole it right from the delivery truck. Driver just barely got a glimpse of the guy. Said he looked like a teenager.
LYLE: Really? Grrr... if I ever find out who it was, there will be hell to pay!
COREY: (In an exasperated tone.) Can we go yet?
LYLE: (Looks at his watch.) Not yet! There's still twently minutes 'til the convention!
ERIK: What's with him?
COREY: Nothing.
LYLE: Who, loverboy here? He's upset because he asked out his dream girl, Sheila Portmann, yesterday and got royally shot down. She said he was beneath her.
ERIK: Now *that's* funny. (Thinks for a minute.) Wait a minute... *beneath* her?
LYLE: Sean Williams kicked the crap outta him, too.
JASON: Really? Why?
LYLE: Cause Sheila is (makes quotation marks with his fingers.) "his girl". He's here at the mall with her too.
ERIK: (To COREY.) He'll probably beat the crap outta you again if he sees you.
LYLE: Which is exactly why I hired Paul and Silent Zach to keep an eye on him.
JASON: Oh... (To COREY.) I'm sorry.
COREY: (To LYLE.) Well, thanks for sharing my personal life with everyone!
LYLE: Oh, what?! It's not like the whole mall heard!
(A young man walks into the comics store.)
YOUNG MAN: (To COREY.) Hey, aren't you the guy that got shot down by Sheila Portmann?
(COREY groans in annoyance and storms out of the comics store, exiting the scene. LYLE and KATJA follow as well.)
YOUNG MAN: (Watching them leave.) Jeez, what's with them? (Turns to JASON.) Do you guys sell Pokemon cards?
(PONTI drops the box he is currently carrying and slowly turns to the young man.)
END OF SCENE
TO BE CONTINUED.....
(JAY and SILENT BOB walk out onto the white screen.)
JAY: Once again, you fuckers have wasted another portion of your useless lives readin' this shit. I hope you've learned your lesson, and will heed my advice from now on. (Turns to SILENT BOB.) Shit, bitch, where the fuck were those horny chicks! That really friggin' pisses me off! (Turns to the screen.) Fuck you all! Stupid bitches! (Storms off. A few seconds after he is gone, three gorgeous and scantily clad women walk out. SILENT BOB starts when he sees them.)
WOMAN #1: (To SILENT BOB.) Have you seen that sexy Jay anywhere around here?
WOMAN #2: We read this fic last time we were here. He told all the horny chicks to come back... well... here we are!
WOMAN #3: Yeah... have you seen him.
SILENT BOB: Actually.... no.. he's not here. He didn't show up today. As a matter of fact, last I heard, he was skippin' today to go out on a date with some guy.
WOMAN #1: Pffft... figures.
WOMAN#2: Well this is the last time that jackass stands me up!
WOMAN #3: Fucking queer!
(The three women exit the scene. After a few moments, SILENT BOB, very pleased with himself, does likewise.)