Act 2 Scene 1
Chapter 5: The Mandatory Karaoke Contest
The students filed into the Great Hall to sit down and eat. What about the sorting? No one cares about the little first years anyway. The last time they seriously affected the plot was three or four books ago. So after the first years magically appeared at separate tables, Dumbledore arose to give his start of term speech.
"Greetings, welcome back all of you! Due to the recent events of Voldemort returning to power and most of his Death Eaters offing themselves, not really sure if that's a good or bad thing because this leaves some of you orphans, we're going to have a karaoke contest! Nothing like blowing out one's ear drums with the sound of dying giraffes to get your mind off of things of a slightly less unpleasant nature. Would anyone like to go first?"
A spotlight that hadn't existed until a few seconds ago turned itself on right over Snape's oily head. No, not in that way you perverts.
"Snape, I believe the great Mind Reading Spotlight thinks you have something you would like to express in song."
Snape glared his evil glare of evilness and vaporized one of those worthless first years before using the grease dripping from his head to propel himself out in front of the Head Table. An annoying late 90s pop beat filters itself throughout the Great Hall as Snape starts to sing with another evil glare of evilness that incinerates the remaining first years.
Snape: Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
But now you're right outside
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The students laughed nervously, wondering who in their right mind would want to get that close to Snape. Minerva McGonagall was one of those very few people, as they probably didn't want to find out. (Because she is right handed and the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, so only left handed people are ever truly in their right mind. Or possibly ambidextrous peeps with multiple personalities.)
Snape: Oh baby baby
My reason to breathe is you
Boy you've got me flying
Minerva chuckled, thinking that her Sevvie as he is called in all respectable romance fics, was just going by the original lyrics. If only this wasn't a slash parody. If that hint was at all useful.
Snape: Oh baby baby there's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I'm playing
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The homophobes at the Slytherin table start to get nervous. No, I won't raise the rating again you anti-slash people. Don't read this if you know you hate it so much.
Snape: Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that my loneliness, is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The music stopped and Snape went back to his seat using his greasy, greasy head juices to his advantage. But the Mind Reading Spotlight wouldn't go shine on someone else. Snape: Okay, I've just completely humiliated myself in front of this worthless hunch of students. Can you get this off of me? My hair's starting to bubble."
Maybe he should have washed his hair and just walked in front of the table. Like normal people do.
Snape glares an evil glare of evilness at the author.
Or maybe not.
Dumbledore: It wants to know who that was for, and I think that most of the students and faculty would also like to.
Snape: None of your business. Now get this thing off of me.
The fleas on his head are now using it as a deep fryer.
Snape: If these fleas get fat enough, they can sue me!
Dumbledore: Then tell us.
Snape: No.
Dumbledore: I'll tell them something that they probably have already guessed about you. Snape: Fine. It was *grumbles*
Dumbledore: Who? Speak up Severus. We can't hear you.
Snape: But I said it!
Dumbledore: The fleas are about to get heart attacks.
Snape: It was Mr. Plum, in the dining room, with a knife.
Dumbledore: ?
Snape: FINE!!!! IT WAS JAMES FREAKING WHATEVER HIS MIDDLE NAME IS POTTER!!! HAPPY NOW??????/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dead silence.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. The Mind Reading Spotlight will now take another victim. The spotlight moves away from Snape and onto Cho Chang. For those of you in the audience who haven't read the rest of the karaoke fics before, karaoke+Cho Chang+let's put in Evanescence because it's cool and everyone else is doing it!=My Immortal! A songfic about who Cho has hooked up with everything with a Y chromosome because she misses Cedric so much. It's sure to bring a tear of either laughter, boredom or sadness to everyone in the Great Hall's eyes, either semi voluntarily or by other means. Cho gets up and walks in front of the High Table with only five feet of aid at the end from Snape's hair grease.
Cho: If anyone doesn't know who this is for, you're an idiot.
A piano solo serenades the hall, coming from seemingly nowhere. No, it's just the techies in the back. Go techies.
Cho: I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Very few of the students were saddened by this enough to cry, yet they noticed that it seemed to be raining on their plates. And their eyes were the only place the moisture could be coming from.
Harry: Woah, I'm leaking.
Under the tables, the author hypnotizes Gollum from LOTR to think that an onion he is holding is the One Ring. Why they call it the one ring when there are actually multiple rings is beyond me. Maybe this one was prettier. Or everyone in that story is blind on some level.
Gollum: My preecccciouuussssssssssssssssssss. You smell funny.
Cho: You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
(Enter the violins)
Cho: I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Harry: This isn't funny. I'm starting too feel not only dehydrated by also demasculated . I'm crying in front of all these damn people! Noooo!!!
Now the genuine crying sets in.
Cho: When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
The piano's last haunting chords echoed throughout the Great Hall as the students freaked out over their loss of water. The Mind Reading Spotlight was afraid of Cho, though it did not know who that song was for, so it moved onto another victim. And that victim was.
Draco: Me? Why me? My dad just shot himself! WITH A MUGGLE GUN NO LESS!!! Can't you just leave me alone?!
Dumbledore: No.
Draco: Fine. But it's going to get angsty.
Gollum: Yay! Angst!
Draco: What was that?
Gollum: Nothing.
Draco: Oh. Okay.
Draco slides along Snape's grease trail and arrives in front to start his song. A violin and electric guitar start the next song. (I'm With You-Avril Lavigne. The only thing that's really angst provoking about this song is listening to her voice.)
Draco: I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
Ron: Who would want to take you home?
Gollum: Gollum would.
Ron: O_O I'm not even going to ask.
Draco: It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody please take me home?
Ginny: I would!
The entire Gryffyndor table stares in shock.
Gollum: B****.
Ginny: What was that?
Gollum: Gollum is going to murder you. Rip your intestines out through your mouth and stomp on them until you scream and bleed to death in a pool of your own filth and excrement.
Ginny: Oh. It's just those voices in my head again. Shut up or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip! Draco: It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
WARNING: FIVE SECONDS TO PUBERTY
Draco: Yeah yeah 4
Yeah 3
Yeah 2
Yeah 1
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHSSKLFNVANEIGHGHERKGNC,VNAWEHFNFHLN FLDFNWEAFUOENFHFWJENDLKAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Windows shatter, but repair themselves as Draco morphs into duh duh duh! A teenage mutant ninja Prefect!
Draco: It's a damn *squeak* COLD night
*really low* Trying to figure out *squeak* this life
*sounds like someone swallowed helium* Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don' know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you
Gollum: Is it over? I think Gollum has gone deaf.
Draco slides back to the Slytherins, who all move away from him so they won't catch the ugly teenage mutant Prefect virus. The Mind Reading Spotlight broke from the noise going on under it. But with its last ray of functioning light, it pointed to Neville to be its next contestant. Neville just walks instead of being overly lazy like everyone else. Finally a cool song comes on as guitar, drums and bass guitar fill the air with their early 90s grunge rock beat, the well known chords of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Neville: Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no I know a dirty word
Dumbledore: Okay, let's just go to sleep now. Nobody cares about that sixth year who shouldn't have passed first year anyway.
Neville: *sniff*
Gollum: Aww. I liked that song.
Chapter 5: The Mandatory Karaoke Contest
The students filed into the Great Hall to sit down and eat. What about the sorting? No one cares about the little first years anyway. The last time they seriously affected the plot was three or four books ago. So after the first years magically appeared at separate tables, Dumbledore arose to give his start of term speech.
"Greetings, welcome back all of you! Due to the recent events of Voldemort returning to power and most of his Death Eaters offing themselves, not really sure if that's a good or bad thing because this leaves some of you orphans, we're going to have a karaoke contest! Nothing like blowing out one's ear drums with the sound of dying giraffes to get your mind off of things of a slightly less unpleasant nature. Would anyone like to go first?"
A spotlight that hadn't existed until a few seconds ago turned itself on right over Snape's oily head. No, not in that way you perverts.
"Snape, I believe the great Mind Reading Spotlight thinks you have something you would like to express in song."
Snape glared his evil glare of evilness and vaporized one of those worthless first years before using the grease dripping from his head to propel himself out in front of the Head Table. An annoying late 90s pop beat filters itself throughout the Great Hall as Snape starts to sing with another evil glare of evilness that incinerates the remaining first years.
Snape: Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
But now you're right outside
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The students laughed nervously, wondering who in their right mind would want to get that close to Snape. Minerva McGonagall was one of those very few people, as they probably didn't want to find out. (Because she is right handed and the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, so only left handed people are ever truly in their right mind. Or possibly ambidextrous peeps with multiple personalities.)
Snape: Oh baby baby
My reason to breathe is you
Boy you've got me flying
Minerva chuckled, thinking that her Sevvie as he is called in all respectable romance fics, was just going by the original lyrics. If only this wasn't a slash parody. If that hint was at all useful.
Snape: Oh baby baby there's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I'm playing
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby cause I need to know now
Oh because
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The homophobes at the Slytherin table start to get nervous. No, I won't raise the rating again you anti-slash people. Don't read this if you know you hate it so much.
Snape: Oh baby baby
How was I supposed to know
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that my loneliness, is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
My loneliness is killing me
And I
I must confess I still believe (still believe)
That you'll be with me one more time
Give me your sign
Hit me baby one more time
The music stopped and Snape went back to his seat using his greasy, greasy head juices to his advantage. But the Mind Reading Spotlight wouldn't go shine on someone else. Snape: Okay, I've just completely humiliated myself in front of this worthless hunch of students. Can you get this off of me? My hair's starting to bubble."
Maybe he should have washed his hair and just walked in front of the table. Like normal people do.
Snape glares an evil glare of evilness at the author.
Or maybe not.
Dumbledore: It wants to know who that was for, and I think that most of the students and faculty would also like to.
Snape: None of your business. Now get this thing off of me.
The fleas on his head are now using it as a deep fryer.
Snape: If these fleas get fat enough, they can sue me!
Dumbledore: Then tell us.
Snape: No.
Dumbledore: I'll tell them something that they probably have already guessed about you. Snape: Fine. It was *grumbles*
Dumbledore: Who? Speak up Severus. We can't hear you.
Snape: But I said it!
Dumbledore: The fleas are about to get heart attacks.
Snape: It was Mr. Plum, in the dining room, with a knife.
Dumbledore: ?
Snape: FINE!!!! IT WAS JAMES FREAKING WHATEVER HIS MIDDLE NAME IS POTTER!!! HAPPY NOW??????/!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dead silence.
Dumbledore: Yes, quite. The Mind Reading Spotlight will now take another victim. The spotlight moves away from Snape and onto Cho Chang. For those of you in the audience who haven't read the rest of the karaoke fics before, karaoke+Cho Chang+let's put in Evanescence because it's cool and everyone else is doing it!=My Immortal! A songfic about who Cho has hooked up with everything with a Y chromosome because she misses Cedric so much. It's sure to bring a tear of either laughter, boredom or sadness to everyone in the Great Hall's eyes, either semi voluntarily or by other means. Cho gets up and walks in front of the High Table with only five feet of aid at the end from Snape's hair grease.
Cho: If anyone doesn't know who this is for, you're an idiot.
A piano solo serenades the hall, coming from seemingly nowhere. No, it's just the techies in the back. Go techies.
Cho: I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
Very few of the students were saddened by this enough to cry, yet they noticed that it seemed to be raining on their plates. And their eyes were the only place the moisture could be coming from.
Harry: Woah, I'm leaking.
Under the tables, the author hypnotizes Gollum from LOTR to think that an onion he is holding is the One Ring. Why they call it the one ring when there are actually multiple rings is beyond me. Maybe this one was prettier. Or everyone in that story is blind on some level.
Gollum: My preecccciouuussssssssssssssssssss. You smell funny.
Cho: You used to captivate me by your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
(Enter the violins)
Cho: I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
Harry: This isn't funny. I'm starting too feel not only dehydrated by also demasculated . I'm crying in front of all these damn people! Noooo!!!
Now the genuine crying sets in.
Cho: When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you screamed I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh
Of meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh
The piano's last haunting chords echoed throughout the Great Hall as the students freaked out over their loss of water. The Mind Reading Spotlight was afraid of Cho, though it did not know who that song was for, so it moved onto another victim. And that victim was.
Draco: Me? Why me? My dad just shot himself! WITH A MUGGLE GUN NO LESS!!! Can't you just leave me alone?!
Dumbledore: No.
Draco: Fine. But it's going to get angsty.
Gollum: Yay! Angst!
Draco: What was that?
Gollum: Nothing.
Draco: Oh. Okay.
Draco slides along Snape's grease trail and arrives in front to start his song. A violin and electric guitar start the next song. (I'm With You-Avril Lavigne. The only thing that's really angst provoking about this song is listening to her voice.)
Draco: I'm standing on the bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody come take me home?
Ron: Who would want to take you home?
Gollum: Gollum would.
Ron: O_O I'm not even going to ask.
Draco: It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm looking for a place
I'm searching for a face
Is anybody here I know?
Cause nothing's going right
And everything's a mess
And no one likes to be alone
Isn't anyone trying to find me?
Won't somebody please take me home?
Ginny: I would!
The entire Gryffyndor table stares in shock.
Gollum: B****.
Ginny: What was that?
Gollum: Gollum is going to murder you. Rip your intestines out through your mouth and stomp on them until you scream and bleed to death in a pool of your own filth and excrement.
Ginny: Oh. It's just those voices in my head again. Shut up or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip! Draco: It's a damn cold night
Trying to figure out this life
Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
Why is everything so confusing?
Maybe I'm just out of my mind
WARNING: FIVE SECONDS TO PUBERTY
Draco: Yeah yeah 4
Yeah 3
Yeah 2
Yeah 1
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHSSKLFNVANEIGHGHERKGNC,VNAWEHFNFHLN FLDFNWEAFUOENFHFWJENDLKAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Windows shatter, but repair themselves as Draco morphs into duh duh duh! A teenage mutant ninja Prefect!
Draco: It's a damn *squeak* COLD night
*really low* Trying to figure out *squeak* this life
*sounds like someone swallowed helium* Won't you take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don't know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
Take me by the hand take me somewhere new
I don' know who you are but I
I'm with you
I'm with you
I'm with you
Gollum: Is it over? I think Gollum has gone deaf.
Draco slides back to the Slytherins, who all move away from him so they won't catch the ugly teenage mutant Prefect virus. The Mind Reading Spotlight broke from the noise going on under it. But with its last ray of functioning light, it pointed to Neville to be its next contestant. Neville just walks instead of being overly lazy like everyone else. Finally a cool song comes on as guitar, drums and bass guitar fill the air with their early 90s grunge rock beat, the well known chords of Smells Like Teen Spirit by Nirvana. Neville: Load up on guns and bring your friends
It's fun to lose and to pretend
She's over bored and self assured
Oh no I know a dirty word
Dumbledore: Okay, let's just go to sleep now. Nobody cares about that sixth year who shouldn't have passed first year anyway.
Neville: *sniff*
Gollum: Aww. I liked that song.