Begin Act II Scene 2, Chapter 6: Look Ma, No Brains!
The students once again assembled in the Great Hall the next day for breakfast as owls shat in their food while delivering their schedules and mail and other such stuff.
Harry: This is odd. Defense Against the Dark Arts all morning.
Ron: Me too.
Dean: Me too. And so do all of the guys in Gryffyndor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Ravenclaw. And all of their girlfriends.
Hermione: So do I. I wonder why that is?
In Defense Against the Dark Arts.
They entered the unusually large room to find that all the said crowd of sixth years was present, in addition to a woman who looked about 20, but was probably older than that to be of age to qualify as a teacher. She looked almost like a non Barbie like vela with a perfect figure and height, long red hair with natural blonde highlights and eyes that changed color every few seconds.
"Hello", she said in a hypnotically sweet voice. "I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Mary Sue Jade Raven Ellen Ruby Emerald Rachel Fern Esmerelda Crystal Amethyst Flora Diana Jane Opal Topaz Ashley Melanie Alyson Linda Alexis Monica Jessica Karen Jenny Veronica Joanne Lyra Melissa Kathleen Aurora Michelle Diamond Sapphire Tonya Lisa Molly Anne Kristen Victoria Kelly Polaris Winter Rose Autumn Danielle Summer Erin Cara Spring Mia Christina Lauren Augusta Sophie Lia Amy Sarah Annie Lola Samantha Nicole Daria Malia Isabel Flame Kaitlin Storm Jaimie Cameron Mariah Chaotica Cheez-Wiz® Some-Name-That-No-One-But-The-Author-Knows-How- To-Pronounce Boyfriendstealer. But you can call me Professor Mary Sue. I'm from America, if you couldn't tell by my lack of a British accent. I'm over 200, but everyone says I look eighteen. I defeated Voldemort's brother in a duel and kicked his ass to Antarctica. I would do the same for Voldemort, but my Mary Sue senses can't find him for some reason. They said he was in Greece, but he must have been hiding in a tree or something when I looked. But I can always get him when he comes back to Britain. Anyway, this lesson we will be practicing Death Curses.
The boys in the class were wearing identical blank stares and drooling on their desks, making their girlfriends visibly jealous. Hermione raised her hand.
Mary Sue: Yes Hermione?
Hermione: 1. How did you know my name? 2. Aren't Death Curses illegal?
Mary Sue: I know your name because I'm Mary Sue and I'm prefect and I know EVERYTHING. I won't tell about the Death Curses if you don't.
All the boys: We won't tell!
Mary Sue: I'm sure at least some of you have seen your parents do this to Muggles, or in Harry's case have had it done to you. But for those of us who have been living on Mars with our eyes taped shut and our fingers in our ears, let's review.
She pointed her finger (she hadn't had to use a wand since she was six months old, five days after she read the seventh year textbooks and was easily able to do all of the spells in them, a week after she figured out how a way around Underage Wizard laws) at an anonymous Ravenclaw sixth year and said the incantation.
Mary Sue: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Anonymous sixth year student drops dead and the class cheers.
Ron: I never did like them anyway.
Hermione: Do you even know their name?
Ron: No. That's one of the things that ticked me off. Being all anonymous and stuff. How dare they? But Mary Sue showed them.
Hermione: *sigh*
After class.
Ron: Professor Mary Sue is a genius! She could do that flying spell we learned in first year!
Hermione: I could do that charm before either of you and you called me a nerd. Harry: *drool* I don't like Cho anymore.
Cho runs off and goes on another one of her sobbing sprees with this week's boyfriend. Ron: Forget it mate. She's too bloody old for you. I, on the other hand am a few months older than you.
Hermione: She's 200 years older than either of you!
Harry + Ron: So?
Random Old Kid Who Kept Failing 6th Year: Not for me. I've got a 100 year head start on both of you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *drops dead*
Harry: Not anymore. Yay! *skips off to Transfiguration*
Transfiguration..
McGonagall: All of the bogus rules that Professor Umbridge made up are void this year so Harry can play Quidditch again. But we're going to have try outs tonight to replace Angelina Johnson and the Weasley twins. Plus I should hope we can get a better Keeper.
Ron: *sniff* That hurt my dangerously fragile feelings.
Seamus: But you suck.
Ron: Shut up! Mary Sue might hear that!!
Dean: Ha ha.
McGonagall: Today we're going to transfigure classmates into chamberpots.
She points her wand at Crabbe.
McGonagall: Dookeyface.
Crabbe turns into a giant chamberpot and the class takes turns depositing their excrement in his wide open mouth.
Ron: Eat my shit Crabbe.
Harry: Malfoy, I thought Crabbe was your friend. Why are you taking a whiz in his mouth?
Draco: My father's dead so who cares about the rules?
Harry: So your dad was one of those Death Eaters that hung themselves in Azkaban even though the doors were open and they easily could have escaped because the Dementors were coming to get them?
Draco: Not exactly. The dishonorable jerk shot himself. With a Muggle gun no less!!! Hermione: See I told you Muggles could be good for something.
Draco: Maybe you're right. Want to go to the Halloween dance with me?
Ron: Since when was there a Halloween dance?
Draco: Since Dumbledore didn't think that the Karaoke thing cheered people up enough. I wonder why? Didn't they like my song?
Harry: Um...
Hermione: Sure.
Seamus: Dookeyface.
Seamus was unsuccessfully trying to turn Goyle into a chamber pot when he set himself on fire instead. Again.
Seamus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My hand is melting! It burns! It burns!!!!
Potions.
Ron: Haha! I don't have to take this anymore!
Harry: Shut up. Just shut up.
Hermione: You didn't have to take this class if you didn't want to.
Harry: No, I have to take it so I can be an Auror, kill Voldemort and his extended step family and any other slightly dark witch or wizard, impress Mary Sue or some other hot girl, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Or possibly die the day before retiring. Man that would suck.
Hermione: You've come close on several occasions without the title of Auror. Harry: Why does everyone have to contradict me?! WHY?????!!!!!!!!
Draco: What are you doing in this class?! I thought you had to get an O on your OWLS to be in here!
Harry: Wait, I never looked at my owl scores!
4 Privet Drive.
Aphrodite finally notices the mail that is piling up after her 72 hour videogame fest. Aphrodite: Bills, bills, junk mail, anthrax, bills, bills, a dead squirrel, Harry's OWL scores? Hmm. Moral dilemma. Should I see how bad he did or should I just send him the scores?
Being in Voldemort's body tends to cause a tilt in conscience. She ripped open the letter and let out a delightful squeal at reading the results.
Aphrodite: Oh man! I didn't know it was possible to flunk that bad!
Then she went to go post his results on every muggle chatroom they internet possessed, send owls to everyone in Great Britain and sent a Howler with the results to Harry. Back in Potions..
Snape: Hello class, now that the OWLS have weeded out all of the idiots and undesirables.what the hell are you still doing here?
Harry: I forgot to look at my OWL scores, but I think I did well enough or else I wouldn't be in this class.
Snape: This.can't .be.happening!
His mind flashes back to those wonderful memories of James hanging him upside down in the air and emptying his pockets of all things resembling change. James had always had a funny way of showing affection. But Sevvie was sure that he loved him even though he was attached at the hip to Lily Evans and married her and made Harry and all that good stuff. But he was just playing hard to get. An owl swoops in and out through the window and drops a package on Snape's greasy head. It opens itself and yells from deep within somewhere. "HARRY POTTER FLUNKED HIS OWLS AND HE FLUNKED THEM LIKE NO TROLL HAS EVER FLUNKED BEFORE! THE ONLY A HE GOT WAS IN DIVINATION AND HE GOT AN E IN CHARMS AND WAAAY FAILED EVERYTHING ELSE! HE GOT ZEROES IN ALL THE REST OF THE SUBJECTS!! WHAT A LOSER! POINT AND LAUGH AT HIM! LORD VOLDEMORT COMMANDS IT!!"
The letter exploded on Snape's head, setting it on fire. So he ran around the classroom screaming "I'm on fire! I'm on fire! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! It burns!!" Hermione, being the sickeningly perfect little Prefect that she is, put out the fire with a simple spell that shot a stream of water at his head. He blinked, apparently either shocked that Hermione had saved him or that he wasn't burning anymore. Or maybe he just didn't like water.
Snape: You made me wash my hair! And you!
He pointed to Harry with a glazed but wide eyed expression.
Snape: How did you pass OWLS?! And why would you know the Dark Lord?!
A maniacal grin spread over his face, as if he head just realized some elaborate assassination plot.
Snape: You're not really Harry Potter, are you?
Harry: No.
Harry unzipped his costume to reveal some really old guy from a black and white movie. Harry: I'm Mr. Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life"!
Snape: Then what are you doing in my class?
Harry: I'm not really Mr. Potter either.
He unzipped the gray 40's movie excerpt costume.
Harry: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents! You're all getting owl pellets this year! Snape: Is that all?
His eye twitched, indicating that his mind was about to snap.
Harry: No, actually I'm *zip* James Potter!
The class laughed, remembering the previous night's karaoke session. You could hear the snapping of Snape's mind for miles. It was so loud that it caused a chain reaction of mind snapping that extended to as far away as Siberia, where the flies were presently positioned in their migration from Japan. In later years when the asylum population increase ebbed and halted, it would be known as the Snap Heard Round the World.
Snape: James! I thought you were dead!
He hugged Harry, who was freaking out under his costume.
Harry: Hermione! Help! I can't get the zipper unstuck!
But Hermione was too busy flirting with Draco.
Snape: I've missed you so much James. How about a makeout session for old times' sake?
Harry: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Just in time, Mary Sue burst through the door and zapped Snape with some kind of insanity reversal curse.
Snape: O_O Uh oh. Pretend none of you saw that!
Harry: My mouth has been violated in the worst way!
Mary Sue: Snape, you evil disgusting pervy Death Eater.
Snape: What? What did I? Oh holy heck NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
End Act II Scene 2 Chapter 6
Pleeeeeeeeease review!
The students once again assembled in the Great Hall the next day for breakfast as owls shat in their food while delivering their schedules and mail and other such stuff.
Harry: This is odd. Defense Against the Dark Arts all morning.
Ron: Me too.
Dean: Me too. And so do all of the guys in Gryffyndor, Hufflepuff, Slytherin and Ravenclaw. And all of their girlfriends.
Hermione: So do I. I wonder why that is?
In Defense Against the Dark Arts.
They entered the unusually large room to find that all the said crowd of sixth years was present, in addition to a woman who looked about 20, but was probably older than that to be of age to qualify as a teacher. She looked almost like a non Barbie like vela with a perfect figure and height, long red hair with natural blonde highlights and eyes that changed color every few seconds.
"Hello", she said in a hypnotically sweet voice. "I am your new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Mary Sue Jade Raven Ellen Ruby Emerald Rachel Fern Esmerelda Crystal Amethyst Flora Diana Jane Opal Topaz Ashley Melanie Alyson Linda Alexis Monica Jessica Karen Jenny Veronica Joanne Lyra Melissa Kathleen Aurora Michelle Diamond Sapphire Tonya Lisa Molly Anne Kristen Victoria Kelly Polaris Winter Rose Autumn Danielle Summer Erin Cara Spring Mia Christina Lauren Augusta Sophie Lia Amy Sarah Annie Lola Samantha Nicole Daria Malia Isabel Flame Kaitlin Storm Jaimie Cameron Mariah Chaotica Cheez-Wiz® Some-Name-That-No-One-But-The-Author-Knows-How- To-Pronounce Boyfriendstealer. But you can call me Professor Mary Sue. I'm from America, if you couldn't tell by my lack of a British accent. I'm over 200, but everyone says I look eighteen. I defeated Voldemort's brother in a duel and kicked his ass to Antarctica. I would do the same for Voldemort, but my Mary Sue senses can't find him for some reason. They said he was in Greece, but he must have been hiding in a tree or something when I looked. But I can always get him when he comes back to Britain. Anyway, this lesson we will be practicing Death Curses.
The boys in the class were wearing identical blank stares and drooling on their desks, making their girlfriends visibly jealous. Hermione raised her hand.
Mary Sue: Yes Hermione?
Hermione: 1. How did you know my name? 2. Aren't Death Curses illegal?
Mary Sue: I know your name because I'm Mary Sue and I'm prefect and I know EVERYTHING. I won't tell about the Death Curses if you don't.
All the boys: We won't tell!
Mary Sue: I'm sure at least some of you have seen your parents do this to Muggles, or in Harry's case have had it done to you. But for those of us who have been living on Mars with our eyes taped shut and our fingers in our ears, let's review.
She pointed her finger (she hadn't had to use a wand since she was six months old, five days after she read the seventh year textbooks and was easily able to do all of the spells in them, a week after she figured out how a way around Underage Wizard laws) at an anonymous Ravenclaw sixth year and said the incantation.
Mary Sue: AVADA KEDAVRA!
Anonymous sixth year student drops dead and the class cheers.
Ron: I never did like them anyway.
Hermione: Do you even know their name?
Ron: No. That's one of the things that ticked me off. Being all anonymous and stuff. How dare they? But Mary Sue showed them.
Hermione: *sigh*
After class.
Ron: Professor Mary Sue is a genius! She could do that flying spell we learned in first year!
Hermione: I could do that charm before either of you and you called me a nerd. Harry: *drool* I don't like Cho anymore.
Cho runs off and goes on another one of her sobbing sprees with this week's boyfriend. Ron: Forget it mate. She's too bloody old for you. I, on the other hand am a few months older than you.
Hermione: She's 200 years older than either of you!
Harry + Ron: So?
Random Old Kid Who Kept Failing 6th Year: Not for me. I've got a 100 year head start on both of you. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! *drops dead*
Harry: Not anymore. Yay! *skips off to Transfiguration*
Transfiguration..
McGonagall: All of the bogus rules that Professor Umbridge made up are void this year so Harry can play Quidditch again. But we're going to have try outs tonight to replace Angelina Johnson and the Weasley twins. Plus I should hope we can get a better Keeper.
Ron: *sniff* That hurt my dangerously fragile feelings.
Seamus: But you suck.
Ron: Shut up! Mary Sue might hear that!!
Dean: Ha ha.
McGonagall: Today we're going to transfigure classmates into chamberpots.
She points her wand at Crabbe.
McGonagall: Dookeyface.
Crabbe turns into a giant chamberpot and the class takes turns depositing their excrement in his wide open mouth.
Ron: Eat my shit Crabbe.
Harry: Malfoy, I thought Crabbe was your friend. Why are you taking a whiz in his mouth?
Draco: My father's dead so who cares about the rules?
Harry: So your dad was one of those Death Eaters that hung themselves in Azkaban even though the doors were open and they easily could have escaped because the Dementors were coming to get them?
Draco: Not exactly. The dishonorable jerk shot himself. With a Muggle gun no less!!! Hermione: See I told you Muggles could be good for something.
Draco: Maybe you're right. Want to go to the Halloween dance with me?
Ron: Since when was there a Halloween dance?
Draco: Since Dumbledore didn't think that the Karaoke thing cheered people up enough. I wonder why? Didn't they like my song?
Harry: Um...
Hermione: Sure.
Seamus: Dookeyface.
Seamus was unsuccessfully trying to turn Goyle into a chamber pot when he set himself on fire instead. Again.
Seamus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! My hand is melting! It burns! It burns!!!!
Potions.
Ron: Haha! I don't have to take this anymore!
Harry: Shut up. Just shut up.
Hermione: You didn't have to take this class if you didn't want to.
Harry: No, I have to take it so I can be an Auror, kill Voldemort and his extended step family and any other slightly dark witch or wizard, impress Mary Sue or some other hot girl, get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Or possibly die the day before retiring. Man that would suck.
Hermione: You've come close on several occasions without the title of Auror. Harry: Why does everyone have to contradict me?! WHY?????!!!!!!!!
Draco: What are you doing in this class?! I thought you had to get an O on your OWLS to be in here!
Harry: Wait, I never looked at my owl scores!
4 Privet Drive.
Aphrodite finally notices the mail that is piling up after her 72 hour videogame fest. Aphrodite: Bills, bills, junk mail, anthrax, bills, bills, a dead squirrel, Harry's OWL scores? Hmm. Moral dilemma. Should I see how bad he did or should I just send him the scores?
Being in Voldemort's body tends to cause a tilt in conscience. She ripped open the letter and let out a delightful squeal at reading the results.
Aphrodite: Oh man! I didn't know it was possible to flunk that bad!
Then she went to go post his results on every muggle chatroom they internet possessed, send owls to everyone in Great Britain and sent a Howler with the results to Harry. Back in Potions..
Snape: Hello class, now that the OWLS have weeded out all of the idiots and undesirables.what the hell are you still doing here?
Harry: I forgot to look at my OWL scores, but I think I did well enough or else I wouldn't be in this class.
Snape: This.can't .be.happening!
His mind flashes back to those wonderful memories of James hanging him upside down in the air and emptying his pockets of all things resembling change. James had always had a funny way of showing affection. But Sevvie was sure that he loved him even though he was attached at the hip to Lily Evans and married her and made Harry and all that good stuff. But he was just playing hard to get. An owl swoops in and out through the window and drops a package on Snape's greasy head. It opens itself and yells from deep within somewhere. "HARRY POTTER FLUNKED HIS OWLS AND HE FLUNKED THEM LIKE NO TROLL HAS EVER FLUNKED BEFORE! THE ONLY A HE GOT WAS IN DIVINATION AND HE GOT AN E IN CHARMS AND WAAAY FAILED EVERYTHING ELSE! HE GOT ZEROES IN ALL THE REST OF THE SUBJECTS!! WHAT A LOSER! POINT AND LAUGH AT HIM! LORD VOLDEMORT COMMANDS IT!!"
The letter exploded on Snape's head, setting it on fire. So he ran around the classroom screaming "I'm on fire! I'm on fire! AAAAAAAAAHHH!!! It burns!!" Hermione, being the sickeningly perfect little Prefect that she is, put out the fire with a simple spell that shot a stream of water at his head. He blinked, apparently either shocked that Hermione had saved him or that he wasn't burning anymore. Or maybe he just didn't like water.
Snape: You made me wash my hair! And you!
He pointed to Harry with a glazed but wide eyed expression.
Snape: How did you pass OWLS?! And why would you know the Dark Lord?!
A maniacal grin spread over his face, as if he head just realized some elaborate assassination plot.
Snape: You're not really Harry Potter, are you?
Harry: No.
Harry unzipped his costume to reveal some really old guy from a black and white movie. Harry: I'm Mr. Potter from "It's a Wonderful Life"!
Snape: Then what are you doing in my class?
Harry: I'm not really Mr. Potter either.
He unzipped the gray 40's movie excerpt costume.
Harry: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Presents! You're all getting owl pellets this year! Snape: Is that all?
His eye twitched, indicating that his mind was about to snap.
Harry: No, actually I'm *zip* James Potter!
The class laughed, remembering the previous night's karaoke session. You could hear the snapping of Snape's mind for miles. It was so loud that it caused a chain reaction of mind snapping that extended to as far away as Siberia, where the flies were presently positioned in their migration from Japan. In later years when the asylum population increase ebbed and halted, it would be known as the Snap Heard Round the World.
Snape: James! I thought you were dead!
He hugged Harry, who was freaking out under his costume.
Harry: Hermione! Help! I can't get the zipper unstuck!
But Hermione was too busy flirting with Draco.
Snape: I've missed you so much James. How about a makeout session for old times' sake?
Harry: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Just in time, Mary Sue burst through the door and zapped Snape with some kind of insanity reversal curse.
Snape: O_O Uh oh. Pretend none of you saw that!
Harry: My mouth has been violated in the worst way!
Mary Sue: Snape, you evil disgusting pervy Death Eater.
Snape: What? What did I? Oh holy heck NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
End Act II Scene 2 Chapter 6
Pleeeeeeeeease review!