The Things I do For Love

by spiritbard

When John tells Aeryn about what Harvey said, at the end of "We're so Screwed1" an episode filler,a bit angsty.

" THE THINGS I DO FOR LOVE"

BY: SPIRITBARD

These characters do not belong to me, if they did, I'd have taken better care of them than TPTB. But I do like to borrow them for my own gratification from time to time. No harm, no financial gain, no cheek, or copyright infringement intended. And I haven't got a brass farthing, so just be flattered and move on to other things.

Anyway, this is an episode filler, it takes place between " We're so Screwed 1" and " We're so Screwed 2". It is definitely shippy in nature, somewhat angsty, and hopefully humorous in places. Please let me know what you think, because for me, it's food and drink. Hope you enjoy, and away we go....

Fly safe, fellow Scapers.

Aeryn awoke suddenly, disoriented and with a knot of dread in her stomach. Fear was a wholly unfamiliar emotion for her, but recently it seemed all that was on offer. Fear and pain.

Feeling more lucid than she had in some time, she stoically waited for her eyes to adjust to the gloom, before letting her skepticism slip away. It felt familiar, felt like home, sounded like home. But they had pumped so many drugs into her system, and having been deceived by them, she was careful not to believe too soon. Drug induced apparitions of John had faded into crushing disappointment one too many times for her to be hasty.

It was either her quarters on Moya, or a damn good hallucination. But how?...

Then her eyes fell upon the answer.

John.

He was sitting on the floor leaning against her bed, fast asleep. Even in this light, she could see the lines of exhaustion that creased his forehead, and the bruised looking flesh around his eyes. She remembered now in fits and starts, being carried, asking him if he was real, begging him to stay. And he had.

Lingering, irrational fear made her reach out with a trembling hand and when her fingertips cane in contact with warm living flesh, she closed her eyes in relief, and the breath she had been holding escaped as a sob.

She allowed herself the luxury of stroking his cheek, and revelled in the solid reality of him.

Never one to let herself need, Aeryn was not prepared for the release of tension. Had not realised how much she had counted on him for rescue. Had not expected to long for him. But each moment she had been on Jeneks' ship, she had held to the expectation of John bursting in, guns blazing, to save her. And it seemed to have been a reasonable assumption, for here she was.

She smiled tenderly, "My hero," she thought. She stroked his tousled hair gently,and let her fingers trail across his stubbled jaw.

He stirred beneath her touch, his eyes behind closed lids, shifting and rolling in agitation. He muttered incoherently, and his body twitched like a live wire. She soothed him with voice and hand, and soon his breathing slowed and he grew still.

For several long minutes she lay on her side, fingers buried in his hair, and simply looked at him. She let the love and gratitude build up inside her, until it spilled over, and trickled down her cheeks.

Last cycle, when she had returned to Moya after Talyn John had died, she had felt as though her own life had ended with his. She had had no conception of the enormity of the loss she would feel, or the emptiness it would leave in its wake. And she had certainly never believed she could feel anything for this John. It had seemed a betrayal of the one that had died in her arms, the one who had sacrificed himself for so many others, and had become a sainted martyr for an ex peacekeeper who saw him as a hero.

But she had come to realise, she had been given a second chance. This man beside her, was that man too. And she she loved him completely.She only hoped the realisation hadn't come too late.

He had come for her because her loved her. She had never doubted how he felt, he had made it only too plain. But did he still hope for a future? That question still lay between them.

Suddenly he stiffened, his breath hissed between clenched teeth. His body jolted and he shouted "No!" . His eyes burst open and shifted over his surroundings, casting around for something familiar. Then he heard her voice, and felt her hands upon him, and knew where he was. He relaxed marginally, the panic leaving his eyes, and leaned slightly into the hand that cupped his cheek. He was on Moya, Aeryn and the baby were safe, and depending on how long he had been asleep, they were half way across the quadrant. A clean get away.

He laid his head back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. When her hand soothed his brow, he closed his eyes and sighed deeply. His relief was palpable, and as it flowed through him releasing the fear and worry he had held at bay for so long, tears seeped from beneath his lids and ran a trail down his neck.

Aeryns heart lurched in her chest, squeezing the last bit of doubt or denial from it, she leaned down and pressed her lips to his forehead. Her own tears splashed on his cheek, to mingle with his, as she kissed him tenderly. " I love you," she whispered,

" so much."

He smiled then, gently almost bitterly at first, but then his joy began to surface and his smile grew until it became laughter. He sat up and turned towards her, his face alight with love and happiness. He touched her cheek, and she too smiled through her tears.

He reached for her, gathering her into a crushing embrace, burying his damp face against her neck. " I love you " he said softly, his tone reverent.

Sitting back on his heels, he gazed into her eyes, drinking her in as though committing her to memory. Etching this moment upon his heart so that he might never forget how it felt, the rightness of this single perfect moment in time. So that no matter what might come after, he would always remember that at the last, they had finally gotten it right.

He leaned towards her slowly, tilting his head, touching his forehead to hers, giving her the opportunity to avoid the kiss he desperately wanted, if she were not yet ready. But she met him hungrily, wanting , needing to feel his lips against hers, his warmth beneath her hands. The kiss was deep and lingering, gentle, tender, filled with desire and all the things they felt for one another.

Aeryn smiled against his lips as she broke the kiss, and John groaned softly. He opened his eyes to find her still smiling. " Good to have you back baby," he said quietly.

" Better to be back," she replied. She dropped her eyes from his, suddenly serious,

" John...I want to..."

But he placed a finger against her lips, effectively silencing her." Not now babe," he said, " We'll talk later. But for now, I think you should get some more rest. Grandma says you'll be fine, but you need to take it easy for a while, and I'm under strict orders to see you don't "exert" yourself." He smirked lasciviously at her, and she coloured, then chuckled softly.

" Cheeky human," she said, shaking her head. Lying back, she sighed then yawned deeply, " I could use a bit more sleep," she admitted. She turned her head to look into his eyes," Will you stay with me?" she asked, trying not to let him see that she needed him to.

He looked at her carefully, then nodded and made to settle back into his position beside the bed. " No," she whispered, lifting a corner of the blanket in invitation, " here."

" Ummm, Aeryn I don't know if...." But when he saw tears filling her eyes again, he acquiesced and stood to remove his clothes.

Stripping down to his skivvies, he climbed into bed next to her, and she molded herself to him. He held her gently, her head resting on his chest, until her breathing became slow and even, and he felt her relax into sleep.

Sleep would not come for him though, and he mused quietly on the dream , or rather the nightmare that had awakened him earlier. Actually, if he was honest with himself, he knew it was neither of those things. It had been a visitation. A ghost that should have been exorcised long ago, but still haunted his subconscious. Harvey was back, and he was the harbinger of doom again. Christ, couldn't the old ghoul just get the frell out of his life? What had he done to deserve Scorpious / Harvey ? How had he managed to screw up his Karma so bad?

He squeezed Aeryns warm and pliant form closer, drawing her nearer, loving her achingly. Knowing he had to leave her. Harvey, lying or not, had awakened an awful possibility, and John could not ignore or downplay it's magnitude. If there was even a chance that Scorpius had any wormhole knowledge is his warped mind, and he spilled it to the Scarrans, Earth would be a debris field in the deep dark void when they were finished with it. Especially now that he had managed to really piss them off.

He had to go back for Scorpius, he had no choice. But how was he going to tell her that? He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she would NEVER allow him to go alone, even if she had to kick his ass to insure it. Not now, not after all they had been through.

" This is going to give her apoplexy." He thought wryly. Because he was just as adamant that she not go. It could not even be contemplated. He just got her back, there was no way he was going to put her or the baby, HIS baby at risk. He knew the child was his. Though for a time he hadn't been so sure.Regardless of paternity, this was his family, and he was bound to protect them.

He could see this time, the the true fragility of this woman he loved so deeply. This time she had been terrified for her child. This time she had been afraid to die. It had shaken her badly.

Oh, she was strong, and she would recover, and her confidence would be restored. But there was always now, going to be that heightened sense of preservation. That feeling that she protected more than just herself, but the life she housed. She would take that responsibility seriously.Just as she had always felt his safety was her responsibility.

He smiled ruefully, admitting to himself that in the beginning, he had needed safeguarding. However, he had survived. Part by wit, part by luck. Getting by with a little help from his friends.

He dropped a kiss on Aeryns' silky dark hair, and let his emotions run their course. Shifting from bitter-sweet, to melancholy, to pride and loyalty, warmth and frustration.

He was in a genuine pickle. Frankly, getting Scorpius out of the claws of the Scarrans, was going to be harder than Hezmana, and he would miss her steady nerve and quick mind. Aeryn was nothing, if not pro active. He would need them all, and could ask none of them to go.

While his friends might argue the point, he felt he had called in all his markers for Aeryns' rescue. Scorpius was an enemy, surrounded and detained by badder enemies. It was a no win situation, and he could not, would not ask them to risk their lives. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced that he would not be coming back if he went alone. He let that sink in for a bit, because it was the only way.

Anger flared in him. They had worked so hard for a little peace. Hadn't they made atonement yet? Zhann was dead, Jool gone, DJ, Jothee, Neri, Craise and Talyn, his duplicate. Aeryn tortured. He swallowed hard, thinking of her strapped to that table. The way she had reacted to him. The naked fear in her eyes. The resolve in him cemented.

Even if it cost him her hard won trust.

Even if she hated him. At least she would be alive. She and his baby. Their baby.

He smiled wistfully. He hoped it would be a little girl. With her mothers' fire, and integrity. With my brains, he grinned to himself . He wondered what Aeryn would name her.....

A wave of sadness washed over him. It was really not fair.

CHAPTER 2

Some time later, John squirmed slowly from beneath a zonked out Aeryn. She was so totally relaxed, she slept peacefully now. Deeply. Trusting him to stand watch over her while she healed. And he was going to betray her. Knowing that made his heart ache. But he just couldn't see any way out.

He had a the beginnings of a idea. But he was going to need Pilots help, at least nominally. He was going to need coordinates back along the starburst trail, so he could find Jeneks' ship again, and he needed to get off Moya now, before Aeryn and the others awoke.

He hadn't been paying attention to where they were going, but then he'd had other things on his mind.

The problem was, could he get Pilot to cooperate. Pilot had a special relationship with Aeryn, and he would not willingly deceive her. So John was going to have to tread carefully.

He dressed in the semi darkness, and carrying his boots, slipped out into the corridor.

Padding silently through the empty passages, he made his way up a tier to Pilots den.

He paused in the open doorway, leaning casually against the jam for a moment, and watched Pilot with affection. As usual, his arms danced over Moyas' controls in a ballet of efficiency. John had a great deal of respect for Pilot. For his wisdom and reason, for his guidance and his endless patience. John would miss the voice of Moya, speaking through Pilot. Like a remora on a great whale, the pilot echoed the song of the leviathan.

The relationship was symbiotic, and they derived mutual advantage.

John straightened and called out to his friend as he crossed the chamber. " Hey Sancho, como esta amigo?" The recurring Don Quixote theme in his life, was not lost on him, and he smiled with genuine fondness as Pilot looked up from the controls to greet him. Pilot returned the smile with unfeigned warmth and his " Good evening John," was heartfelt.

Crichton felt duplicitous suddenly, and his eyes slipped away from Pilots in a rush of remorse. But surely Pilot would understand the need. " Is it evening Pilot? It felt like it might be late. If you understand me? That quiet when everyone is asleep, at the agreed upon time, since all is night out here eh?"

Pilot stopped moving his arms over the consols, and giving Crichton his undivided attention, began to study him seriously. Something was wrong, or at least, not right.

Considering the situation, Pilot thought Crichton a bit too pensive. So he tried a change of direction.

" How is Officer Sun? Please tell her that Moya and I are thrilled to have her back on board, and that we asked after her. Moya, for some reason, seems keen to share Aeryns' pregnancy with her. Perhaps in memory of Talyn...." he trailed off sadly.

" I imagine you'll be able to tell her yourself tomorrow Pilot. You know Aeryn as well as I do . She'll be dressed and pulling her watch at "oh 7:30 am", as though nothing unusual has happened."

" But she should rest Commander," Pilot said, outraged, " She must be made to realise that."

John grinned, " Would you like that job Pilot?" He asked innocently.

Pilot paused mid rant, and chuckled wryly. " Touche' commander."

Pilot eyed him thoughtfully for a moment. " Is there something wrong Crichton?," he asked gently, trying not to intrude, " You do not seem yourself. I would have thought you'd be overjoyed at Aeryns' return, but you apparently have other matters on your mind."

It was a shrewd guess, and John shrugged , looking away when he answered, " Yeah Pilot, I gotta major problem, and I'm thinking you're the only one on board that I can talk to about it." He looked up into the alien features of one of the kindest souls he had ever known, and hoped that he would help.

He told Pilot the whole story, every word that was spoken in the dream. His dread of what he was planning, gnawed at his voice making it rough and uneven.

" So I have to go back for him. I must either rescue him, or finally....kill him, Pilot, if I want to head off Armageddon."

Shaking his head doubtfully, Pilot replied, " That is not necessarily the case Commander. It was after all, a dream. Or, supposing as you say, it was a visitation. Isn't it more reasonable to assume that the mental clone was simply lying, and that Scorpius actually knows nothing about wormhole technology? No...there are too many possibilities here, to jump to hasty conclusions. I really think you should get some rest, take some nourishment, and think this through some more Crichton." Pilot studied him critically, " If after you have done those things, you still feel the same, we can then discuss the problem again. Would you do that for us Commander?"

" We're working against time here Pilot," John said , a hint of desperation in his tone.

" Besides , all I need from you is a vector back to the base. I'll be taking my module and going alone."

Quite surprised, Pilot asked, " and the others? Aeryn? They have agreed to this?"

John shook his head vigorously, " Nooooo. Because I haven't told them...look Pilot, I can't tell them. I won't ask them to go back there, any of them, but especially Aeryn. So I have to do it alone, and I have to do it now."

Trying to keep a reasonable tone Pilot replied, " First of all, it would take you days to retrace our route in your module, even if all this is true. Secondly, if the clone was lying, and you go back there with no plan, the Scarrans will then have YOU

and your wormhole knowledge, and Scorpius will be academic...." he paused for effect, and pinned Crichton with a rather cool stare, " and third and most relevant, is that Moya believes that while you may indeed need to return to rescue Scorpius, you are not fit to do so at this time, without adequate preparation. She believes it would be a suicide mission, and is not willing to allow it. So she has shut down all the hanger doors, until you eat, rest and think of a plan. Moya wishes me to stress to you that she does this for your own good, and because she cares about you and Officer Sun"

Crichtons' face was like thunder, but he realised he had been completely out manoevered and had no leverage. He knew Moya would not budge. So, frustrated and angry, he nodded stiffly in understanding, and stalked from the chamber.

It would appear that any possibility of avoiding an all out war, was gone. He would now have to face Aeryn with the truth, and it was gonna get ugly.

She was not going to appreciate his position, no matter how sincere or convincing he might be, and this could very well push their relationship back beyond repair.

Best to get it over with now, he thought, then maybe I can get some sleep and get this job done. Let the pieces fall where they may.

He turned right at the end of the corridor on hammon side, and headed for Aeryns' quarters. There were no lights as he entered the room, and he stopped just inside to let his eyes adjust. Her voice rose up from the darkness, deathly quiet and filled with tightly controlled wrath. It seemed Pilot had already narced on him.

" Were you just going to leave me behind?" she asked quietly. He could discern her silhouette just to the left of the view portal, and could see that she had turned to face him.

" Yes," he replied softly.

" You were going to take off in that module of yours, without a word, and just leave me to wonder what had happened to you."

" That was the plan."

" Mind explaining that to me?"

" I love you. I didn't want you to go."

" So you thought you'd just abandon me here, fly off after Scorpius, and get yourself killed in the process?"

" Well....all but that last bit, yeah. I was hoping I would get back in one piece. But either way...."

" And what was I supposed to do, just let you? Just wait here for you to die?"

" You'd be safe. The baby would be safe. My friends would be safe. Yes, that's what you were supposed to do."

" You didn't really think I'd leave it at that, did you?"

" No," he sighed and shook his head,peering through the gloom, trying to see her reaction," which is why I tried to get out of here before you found out what I was planning. I knew you wouldn't like it, knew you'd try and stop me,knew we'd have this conversation, knew you'd insist on coming, and I can't let you."

" You. Can't . LET me?"

" No, I can't".

" How do you intend to stop me?"

" By begging you," he whispered this last in a voice filled with pain. He moved across the room and sank to his knees in front of her heavily shadowed form. He reached out and placed his palms against her flat stomach, touching her gently. He laid his head atop his hands and a sob escaped him.

" Do you think I want to leave you Aeryn? Do you think I want to go back and save that...that creature? I can't think of anything I find more repellent than that idea. But I haven't got a choice. If there is any possibility that he can lead the Scarrans to Earth, or give them wormhole tech, I have to stop him. Even if it means we both die. You have got to try and understand."

He reached up and grasped her hands beseechingly," I can't concentrate on what I have to do if you are in danger. If this child is in danger. I couldn't bear it if anything happened to either of you. I would lose my will to resist them, but more importantly I would lose all hope. I would cease caring what happened to the universe. I have to stop them Aeryn, but I need to know that those I love are beyond his reach. If I lose hope it's all over, cus it's all I've got."

Aeryn stared at him for a moment, then pushing him away, shook her head angrily.

" Alright, I think I understand the motivation, but I don't accept it as justifiable. You're going to need us John. All of us if you want to pull off something this bold. And if you think I'm just going to let you fly away from here without me, you're delusional."

She squatted down in front of him, he sat back on his heels, his hands hanging slack between his thighs, a look of defeat on his face.

" I love you John Crichton, but I'm not going to let you wrap me in cotton wool, just so you feel better. We don't lead safe lives, and I have enemies that belong just to me, so one more or less isn't going to make that much difference," she smiled ruefully, lifting his chin from his chest until their eyes met," Besides....you need me, as much as I need you, and where you go, I go. End of story."

Something like gratitude wormed its way into his consciousness, as he sighed in resignation, and nodded his head slowly. He had failed. He had known it would come to this, and it weighed heavily on his heart. Especially when over the comms D'Argo said,"That makes two of us," and Chiana piped up with "three". , Rygel said," Well, I'm not staying here by myself", "We're in too," said Noranti and Sikohzu, and Pilot said at the last,

" Moya and I make it unanimous."

Crichton rose slowly to his feet, his face stoic, slack with capitulation. " I hope you all live to regret this decision," he said ironically.

Aeryn laughed softly in appreciation, and dropping her eyes from the fear in his face, she nodded slightly.

D'Argos' voice over the comms asked, " Alright Pilot, now that that is settled, how long will it take us to...." But D'Argo became a drone of sound in the background, as Aeryn lifted her face to his once more. What shone there, even in the half light, warmed him completely through. Reaching out, sho took one of his hands and examined it for a moment, before drawing it to her cheek. She locked her gaze to his, and confidence marched through him resolute. He was gonna have to come up with a damn good plan, if he was going to keep them all alive. But faith lit her face, and her smile was strong and sure, and he drew from that and stood taller. They could do this. Together, they could do anything.

He smiled down at her, reassured. Then she grinned, a wicked light shining in her eyes as she said softly, " If I'm going on this mission, I'll have to be fit." she half turned towards her bed, the starlight from the portal, turning her into a madonna of grace and beauty. His breath caught in a constricted throat, as he took an unconcious step towards her. Drawn , like a bloom to the suns strength. His Suns' strength.

"Mmmmm," was his witty reply.

Pulling gently on his hand, her smile broadening, she whispered, " I might even have to...."exert" myself..."

She laughed warmly when his eyes widened perceptively, and he answered, " Might even need to "over exert" yourself."

Recalling Pilots answer to D'Argos question, she sighed, one eyebrow cocked dubiously," Two solar days, just might be enough to get back into shape."

Bemused, John let her draw him closer to the bed," You have got to be kidding me," he breathed. Aeryns delighted laugh filled the chamber, as he finished his thought, " The things I do for love....."