Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters, places, etc. associated therein. Everything but the plot of this one story belongs to JK Rowling and publishers.
Chapter: 7/15
Anxious
Of course I'm anxious
Afraid
Of course I'm afraid
I don't know what about
I don't know what of
But I'm afraid
And I feel I have the right to be
~Anxious, by Miriam Waddington
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Chapter 7- When Your Bane is Love
Remus sat up. He was looking into a large meadow. The meadow was filled with flowers. Several trees dappled the field and there was a winding brook cutting its way through the grass. The water trickled over the smooth rocks that made up its bed, singing softly to the small creatures that made their home in the meadow. A small red fox darted in front of him, and he could spy a small family of rabbits nestled under a toppled down log. The songs of several larks echoed from all around him.
Hermione was making her way towards him. She wore a summery blue dress that blew around lightly in the wind. She was smiling and her bushy brown hair seemed straighter. There was a thick book tucked under her arm. She laughed lightly and waved to him. She did not come to him, but instead settled down beside the stream. She opened her book and began to read. When he did not join her, she looked up, confused. "Aren't you going to come and read, Dad?" she asked.
His breath caught in his throat. She had called him Dad. She was his daughter. But of course she was his daughter, what was he thinking? Hermione Lupin, daughter to Remus and Nymphadora Lupin. He took a step towards her, but another familiar voice halted him. "Are you sure thats who you want to chose, Remus?"
He turned to see Tonks, smiling coyly at him. She was standing in what looked like the main street of Hogsmeade. Her black hair was pink again, but long, to her shoulders. There was some sort of jazz music playing in the background. Several young couples ran past her, laughing gaily. Tonks...his fiancee...how could he have forgotten her? "I know you still grieve for Hermione, but try to have a little fun tonight," Tonks tempted.
He frowned, memories that were not his own rushing back to him. The last battle with Voldemort...how could he have forgotten? Fighting in the very halls of Hogwarts, Harry had come face to face with Voldemort. He had almost lost his life, when Sirius threw himself in front of Voldemort's spell. Shocked to tears, Harry had fallen to his knees and almost offered his life for Sirius', when Ron and Hermione arrived on the scene. Hermione threw herself in front of the spell that was meant to kill Harry. He scrubbed at his face, not entirely surprised to find the old tears there. Some part of him was struggling against the memories though. Voldemort was still at large and Sirius was already dead...but the scenario seemed so right.
"Moony?" asked a voice, almost questioning. Remus looked up. His jaw dropped as he saw James and Sirius walking towards him. James was smiling, but Sirius was frowning. What a change that was!
"Padfoot," he grinned widely. "And Prongs. Where am I? None of this is real, is it?"
"No, Moony," agreed James. "Its not real. You're dreaming. But, this is no ordinary dream."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked, bewildered.
"You have three people in your life, three people who mean the world to you," Sirius began. "You have to chose between those three people in order to live happily."
"Choose?" frowned Remus. "Why can't I have all three?"
"One of them is dead," James replied, looking quickly at Sirius. "The other...Hermione, Harry's friend. She needs a father, while Sirius' cousin is looking for a good time."
"I know what I would chose," Remus said quickly. "I chose Sirius."
"No!" shouted Sirius. A scream tore through the air. Tonks was set on by Death Eaters. There were at least twenty of them. She fought bravely. They quickly disarmed her, but still she continued fighting, kicking and punching. It was evident she was using all the skill of her Auror training, but it was all for naught. Quickly, they overcame her and she was lost to Remus' sight.
Before he could run to her, another scream distracted him. He whirled around to face Hermione. She was standing now, facing Voldemort. Her eyes were wide, but her mouth had a firm set to it. "Come with me, child," coaxed Voldemort. "Together, we could be great. What has the Order ever done for you? Are you not always excluded by Ronald and Harry? Did the werewolf not abandon you to your own devices? Come with me."
Hermione whipped out her wand. "Expelliarmus," Voldemort said, almost lazily. It flew out of her hands. Her eyes flared, but there was true fear in them now. "Don't fight it, child," Voldemort advised. "Join me."
"I've spent my entire life at Hogwarts defying you," Hermione declared. "What makes you think now is any different?"
She turned and fled. Remus tried to go to her, but Sirius put a hand on his arm. "You cannot change it now, Moony," he said, voice full of sorrow. Remus watched, helpless, as Hermione was chased through the meadow. She swerved frequently, making it harder to catch her. Voldemort snapped his fingers, and suddenly Death Eaters were popping up from all over the grass. They ran after her, but still she fled, always ahead of them. She could not run forever, and eventually, she came to a high cliff. Somehow, Sirius and Remus had moved with her. James had vanished.
She halted near the edge and peered over, her eyes very wide. She took a deep breath and turned around to face her pursuers. One of the Death Eaters cast back his hood. It was Lucius Malfoy, though how he had escaped, Remus couldn't fathom. "Come back, girl," he called. "Come back and you can save yourself!"
She lifted her head proudly. "No truce with the shadow," she declared. Without looking back, she took a running jump and pitched herself over the edge.
"Hermione!" shouted Remus, pitching forward. Sirius grabbed a hold of him again. The scene vanished around him and a thick grey fog rolled in, leaving only he and Sirius in sight.
"What have I done?" he asked frantically.
"You chose the dead over the living," Sirius explained. "You must never do that."
'Why not?" asked Remus.
"Because!" snapped Sirius. "Was this not warning enough? Moony, you must accept it. James, Lily and I are dead. Live what life you have left. Hermione will make a good daughter. See you around, Moony." And he was gone.
Remus jolted up in bed, breathing heavily. He looked around and was relieved to find Hermione slumbering peacefully beside him. Forcing himself to calm down, he lay back down. Was that dream truly a message from Sirius and James? Would he kill Hermione by abandoning her? He could not believe it. Swinging his legs over the bed, he crossed to the window.
The sky was just slightly tinged pink from the rising sun. "I'm sorry, Sirius," he whispered. "Its easy for you to say what to do and what not to, but I am the one who has to do it. I can't allow her to stay here. And God forgive me if I am wrong."
Resigned once more, he crossed over to the bed and climbed back in. He pulled Hermione to him and buried her into his chest. His breathing slowed and he closed his eyes, but he did not sleep again that night.
Hermione picked up two of her bags. She looked helplessly around the sitting room. Remus was standing slightly behind her, holding her other bag and grasping one of her school trunks' handles. "Ready to go?" he asked, obviously trying to be cheerful.
"What do you think?" she asked bitterly.
He sighed and dropped the bags, crossing to kneel beside her. "You know if I had any choice, 'Mione, I'd have you stay here," he began.
"I told you not to call me that," she said coldly. Despite her warm words last night, her anger at being sent away had enveloped any compassion she felt for him that morning. "Save it, Remus. I just want to go home. I am ready after all."
Forcing himself to smile encouragingly, he took the flower pot off of the mantle. "I'll go first then," he announced. He cast a handful of Floo powder into the fireplace. He picked up her trunk. "12 Grimmauld Place!" he shouted, chucking it into the fireplace. He quickly leapt in, carrying her other bag.
Hermione watched emotionlessly as he vanished in the flames. She reached into her pocket and placed an envelope addressed to Remus Lupin on the mantle where she was sure he would see it. She looked around one last time. "Goodbye, home sweet home," she whispered. Picking up her bags, she threw another handful of Floo powder into the fire. "12 Grimmauld Place!" she shouted, making sure to speak clearly.
Within moments, she was stepping out into the large kitchen of Black Manor. Remus was anxiously awaiting her, but he was not the only one. Harry and Ron were sitting at the kitchen table with Dawson Walker, Clay Stoat and Showna Applegate, listening to something Arthur Weasley was explaining to Harry. Bill Weasley and Mundungus Fletcher were listening as Alastor Moody lectured them on constant viligance. They looked as though they had heard it many times before. Molly Weasley was, as was to be expected, bustling around in the kitchen, putting the finishing touches on breakfast. Amara Vector and Severus Snape were sitting at the kitchen counter. Severus was speaking to Remus, who was ignoring him, although Amara looked intriguied. "Morning, everyone," Hermione greeted.
"Hullo, Hermione," greeted Ron, walking over to take her bags. "Professor Lupin has just explained what happened. You're all right, aren't you?"
"Yes," she confirmed, passing one of her bags to Ron. "I'm perfectly fine, despite the fact that I now have no place to go."
"You always have some place to go, 'Mione," Harry said, standing up. He did not join them, but instead glared heatedly at Remus. His words were obviously for Hermione. "I've just been informed that Sirius left a will. He...he left everything to me. I am master of Black Manor and you are more than welcome."
"Oh, Harry, I know I shouldn't say congratulations, but you...you're rich now," Hermione observed. "That must be some consolation."
Harry finally looked at her, his eyes showing his bewilderment even though the rest of his face was blank. "No," he disagreed. "It is no consolation whatsoever. Ron, why don't you show Hermione her room?"
"Sure thing, Harry," Ron agreed, grabbing Hermione's trunk. Hermione took her other bag from Remus without looking at him. She was almost out of the kitchen when he spoke.
"Good bye, 'Mione," he called, uncertain. "I'll...keep in touch, maybe."
She turned to face him. "I told you not to call me that," she repeated. "And don't give me false hope. Goodbye, Professor Lupin. It was fun while it lasted." The kitchen was silent as the door slammed shut.
"Well," Showna observed dryly. "If that wasn't a wake up call, I don't know what is. No matter how interesting this is going to get in a few seconds, Bill, Clay and I have some business at Gringotts."
"Oh, that can wait," Clay said, looking back and forth between Remus and Molly, who was now standing in front of him with her hands on her hips. "I want to see..."
"Showna's right," Bill said, plucking Clay's elbow. "Lets go...now." The three left the kitchen.
They had not been gone a minute, before the kitchen exploded. "I want an explanation right now!" Molly declared. "What is the meaning of this? Tonks was just telling me how happy the two of you were and now you bring her back! What is going on, Remus Lupin?"
"I will tell you what has happened," Snape offered. "Lupin here forgot that teenagers seldom have the brains of four year olds and usually the courage of an immortal. He attacked Hermione in his werewolf form and she barely escaped with her life. Now he's chickened out. He is giving up his position of guardian."
"You what?" Amara almost screeched. "Well, I'm glad to see you have some common sense, Remus. But why did you even let her stay for the full moon? That was pure stupidity on your part."
"I'm sure Remus thought he acting for the best," Dawson said timidly.
"How could anyone justify keeping a child in the same house with a monster?" demanded Fletcher.
"I can't anymore," Remus said softly. "Hermione insisted on staying in the house during the full moon. I thought I would have the potion, but due to matters beyond any of our control, Severus was unable to deliver it in time, and things went wrong. But, I have regained my sense and I am bringing her back here. Molly, I know you thought I was a good guardian, but I'm afraid we were wrong."
"I don't think we were," Molly said stubbornly. "It was one mistake. Surely, as long as from now on she returns here for the full moons, Hermione would be safe in your home."
"No," Remus argued. "Never again. My one mistake could have cost her her life. It almost did. I couldn't live with myself if...well, never mind. Take good care of her Molly. If...if she listens to reason, please let her know I'm sorry."
"You are making a mistake, Lupin," Snape said bluntly. "You will regret this, mark my words."
"No," Remus argued. "This time I've done the right thing." He took a deep breath and fished into his pocket, pulling out two letters. "This is my letter of resignation. If someone could please give it to Dumbledore?"
"Letter of resignation?" Amara frowned. "From what?"
"From the Order of the Phoenix," Remus answered.
"What?" gasped several voices.
"A monster should never come into contact with human beings," he replied. "I've learned that the hard way."
"Boy, if you are so insistent on believing you are right to give up the girl," Moody butted in. "Then at least believe us on this one. This is the greatest mistake of your life! You are just getting things back on track. You always were one for caution...but this is ridiculous!"
Remus ignored Moody and handed the letter to Snape. "Please, give Dumbledore my thanks and apologies."
Snape stared at the letter and shook his head slowly. "I cannot believe I am going to say this, Lupin," he grumbled. "But, no. You are too valuable a member for the Order to lose." Remus looked around helplessly, but all the members of the Orders stepped back, none willing to take Remus resignition. Harry stepped forward.
"I'll take it, Moony," he offered. He accepted the letter.
"Also," Remus said, handing him the second letter. "This is for Tonks. Make sure she gets it."
"I will," Harry nodded. "I promise." He glanced down at the letters and then back again at Remus. "You know, you are the only person I've ever met who seems eager to be alone and miserable. Goodbye, Moony."
Remus blinked, unsure of what to make of Harry's words. "Thank you, Harry," he said softly. "You...you remind of Sirius a lot right now."
Harry smiled, somewhat bitterly. He shook Remus' hand, then turned and left the kitchen. Remus looked around helplessly and then nodded his head. "Goodbye," he shrugged. He took a handful of Floo powder and cast it into the fireplace. "Remus Lupin's!" he shouted, and was gone.
The kitchen remained silent, everyone lost in their own thoughts. In the pregnant silence, Tonks waltzed into the kitchen, singing softly to herself and grinning happily at an envelope clutched in her hands. "Good morning, everyone!" she sang. Laughing, she practically pranced around the kitchen and kissed Alastor Moody on both cheeks. "Life is wonderful, isn't it?"
Finally realising not everyone was sharing her estatic happiness, she frowned at the members of the Order. "What is with you all today?" she demanded. "You all look so gloomy!"
"Have you read Remus' letter yet, Tonks?" inquired Snape coolly.
"No," admitted Tonks. "But- hey! How did you know Remus sent me a letter?"
"I suggest you open your letter quite quickly," Snape advised.
Harry slowly treaded up the stairs of Black Manor and was not terribly surprised to find Ron and Hermione arguing at the top of the staircase. "Ron, I don't see what the problem is!" Hermione said angrily. "Would it be so disasterous to have me sleep in Sirius' room? I don't think anyone else is."
"You can't take Sirius' room!" argued Ron. "Its become Harry's sanctuary. I didn't think you were selfish, Hermione. He goes in there at least three times a day, just to sit and remember Sirius. Are you going to take that away from him? Why do you want his room so badly? What was Sirius to you?"
"He happens to be the only father figure I have in the wizarding world," retorted Hermione.
"Correction, Hermione," Ron said, the back of his neck becoming quite red. "What the hell do you call Professor Lupin? And Sirius can't be your fatherly figure anymore! He's dead and you had better get used to it!"
Hermione gasped and actually stepped back, looking as though Ron had struck her. "I cannot believe you just said that," she said, her voice barely audible.
Ron seemed to realise he had gone quite overboard. He breathed deeply and rubbed his temples. "I'm really sorry, 'Mione," he said. "Look, I know you're going through a very rough time, but...ack! I don't know what I mean. Just...its all happened so quickly. I mean, first Sirius and then your parents. I feel so bad for the both of you. That room is all Harry has left...I just..."
Harry chose that point to intervene. "Ron, its all right," he said soothingly. "Of course Hermione can have Sirius' room. I don't think Sirius would begrudge her that. I don't think he's going to be using it any time soon."
His friends stared at him, flabbergasted by his careless tone, not to mention shocked at his sudden apperance. "How long have you been there?" Hermione asked breathlessly.
"Long enough," he answered. "Look, I don't want you treating me like glass. Sure I miss Sirius and of course he meant the world to me. But, over the past few days, I've done a lot of thinking. I realise I have to get on with my life. Sirius is gone and he would want me to keep living without him and keep a happy memory of him with me forever. Thats what I intend to do. Now, how about getting Hermione settled?"
Ron grinned widely and whipped out his wand. He pointed at the bags."Wingardium Leviosa!"
Hermione grabbed his hand and pushed it down, causing the bags to land quite heavily. "What, are you mad, Ron?" she asked. "You know we're not allowed to do magic on the holidays!"
Harry laughed. "Really?" he asked. "Then how is it you didn't get into trouble for using magic against Remus?"
Hermione blanked. "Oh, I'd completely forgotten about that!" she exclaimed. She hesitated. "Why didn't I get into trouble for that?"
"Thats a change," Ron teased. "Her asking us questions! Anyways, it was just announced three days ago. The Degree of Underage Wizardry has been temporarily lifted due to the threat of You-Know-Who."
"In english...?" Hermione prodded, feeling more and more as though their positions had been irrevocably switched.
Harry laughed again. Hermione was surprised at how different he was. Something seemed to have changed him. Somehow he had learned how to live again. "Basically, the Ministry understands that now that Voldemort could come bursting in on anyone, everyone needs to be able to use magic- even underage wizards. I personally think its because they're too busy with the war against Voldemort to worry about tracking underage wizards. However, I wouldn't get too used to it. As soon as Voldemort has been defeated, its going back up."
"I think we may get a chance to become use to it," Hermione said omniously. "We may be fully registered wizards before Voldemort has been defeated. It is only two years."
Ron groaned. "Bloody hell," he declared. "We're getting old! But, now...if there's no further need for discussion? Wingardium Leviosa!" He floated the bags down the wide, well lit hall and into Sirius' open door. He very carefully lay them down on the bed. "Perfect landing," he grinned as they toppled over on to the mattress.
Harry took a deep breath. The smell of Sirius was beginning to fade, despite the preserving spells he had placed all over the room. He crossed to the window so his friends wouldn't see his lip trembling. If the smell left, he would never be able to feel so close to his godfather until they met in the Afterlife. Angrily shaking his head and remembering the moment out in the yard where he was so sure he had heard Sirius, he defiantly cast open the windows allowing the summer wind to sweep into the room. He sighed happily as Sirius' scent was scattered to all four corners of the world.
Outside, Kingsley was walking up the drive. Fred and George Weasley were out as well, degnoming the garden. Professors Vector and Snape were walking up the drive, carrying suitcases. They were evidently moving back to their own homes. There were wards around the property, so anyone Apparating had to go to the end of the drive.
"Harry?" frowned Hermione.
"Yea?" he asked.
"You all right, mate?" Ron inquired, almost anxiously.
"Guys, I'm fine," insisted Harry, half-indigant. "Just looking outside. Now, I was thinking. Hermione probably doesn't want to live in the room of a thirty-eight year old man. Why don't we redecorate?"
Hermione and Ron exchanged quick, knowing glances. He had a feeling they both knew he had had a temporary relapse. However, they both seemed to decide to let it pass. "That sounds like a great idea," Hermione agreed readily. "We can go to Diagon Alley tomorrow and pick up some supplies."
"My treat," Harry said quickly.
"Harry," frowned Hermione. "I can't let you do that."
"Hermione, you said it yourself," Harry pointed out. "The entire Black fortune is mine...I want to spend some money on my best mates. No arguing. Think about what you want to do tonight, and we'll start first thing tomorrow morning."
Ron opened his mouth, but before he could say anything-
"REMUS LUPIN!" shouted Tonks, her voice resounding from the kitchen. "I AM GOING TO PERSONALLY MURDER YOU!"
Hermione winced, the reminder of Remus spoiling the mood. "What in the bloody hell was that about?" frowned Ron, poking his head out the door. Although death threats and shouts were common place in Black Manor, they were usually not delivered with such conviction.
"I think its safe to say Tonks just finished reading her letter," Harry observed quietly.
Remus stepped out of his firegrate, rolling his head around in an attempt to work out the kinks in the back of his neck. 'Well, you did it,' he thought. 'You just blew off every single person you know. Happy yet?"
'I don't deserve to be happy,' he told himself. That thought instantly brought back Harry's words. You know, you are the only person I've ever met who seems eager to be alone and miserable.
Remus almost shuddered. In that moment he had been the perfect combination of Sirius and James- serious and compassionate like his father, but sarcastic and powerful enough to talk as an equal to a full grown wizard, like Sirius. Harry Potter was going to be a very formidable wizard when he was fully grown, quite possibly stronger than Sirius, who was the strongest wizard Remus knew, besides Albus Dumbledore, of course. Remus shook his head and flopped down on the couch.
The house was startingly quiet in Hermione's absense. It seemed unnatural. 'Nonsense,' he reprimanded himself. 'This is normal. Hermione was only here for three weeks. She was the abnormality.'
An envelope resting on the mantle caught his eye. He stood and plucked it up. It was addressed in Hermione's neat handwriting. 'To Mister Remus Lupin.'
Smiling fondly, Remus ripped open the envelope and withdrew a piece of parchment and a picture. He did not glance at the photo, so eager was he to read whatever Hermione had to say. He sat back down on the couch and read Hermione's final farewell.
Dear Remus,
I hope I didn't get too angry with you, and if I did and said some cruel things, I'm dreadfully sorry. But I hope you listened to what I had to say and considered the good and ill effects of having me leave. Also, I hope that whatever I did say, I at one point made quite clear how much you mean to me. If I didn't, allow me to fill you in. You mean a tremendous amount to me, Remus Lupin. You are like an uncle...no, make that a father, to me. I hope I have been a good 'daughter' for the short period of time we had together.
Understand, that, despite this rather mild letter, I'm still furious with you. Why did you throw everything we had away? I suppose you've also done something extremely stupid, like breaking up with Tonks or quitting the Order, or perhaps both. I do hope you kept a hold on your job at the Order. You usually have some common sense.
As I'm sure my real self has reprimanded you repeatedly for this, thats all I'll say in the reprimand department. What I wrote this letter for, was to get across two very imporant facts. The first is, I really hope you don't completely shut yourself off from humanity. I don't care what you say, you are no monster. You are one of the most wonderful people I have ever met in my entire life and you would be a great loss to the wizarding community. If you have shut yourself off, I have a few words of warning, that my parents' deaths have taught me. Despite the fact that it would be terribly easy to do, you can't let yourself sit in your little cottage and lose yourself in memories of Sirius. You can't chose the dead over the living, Remus, it simply can't be done. Sirius would want you to move on and be happy.
My second point, is just this. I love you, Remus, and nothing you do can change that. You will be forever first in my heart. I hope that we don't drift apart while you are in your recluse. I'd miss you terribly. Even if in the future I say hurtful things to you, please know that I love you and nothing will ever change that. If I do say harmful things, it is most likely because you are being a stubborn fool and have managed to infuriate me beyond words.
I've enclosed a photo Ron took when we spent Christmas at 12 Grimmauld Place. I think those two weeks were quite possibly the happiest of my life, despite the darkness we were hiding from.
Good bye, and many many thanks,
Hermione
Fighting back firey tears, Remus overturned the photograph. It was another one in front of the fire at Black Manor. Sirius and Harry sitting down in front of the fireplace again, but this time they were joined by Hermione and himself. They were all pouring over a book that looked like a photo album. Sirius and himself were pointing at certain pictures and moving their lips silently, obviously recounting the circumstances surrounding the picture they had pointed out. As he watched, spellbound, Sirius and Harry stood. Sirius ruffled Harry's head and they left. Remus remembered how every night they would go off and have heart to heart talks. Meanwhile he and Hermione sat down around the fireplace. He had his arms around her and they were laughing together.
Angry at his losses and Hermione for inevitably making him regret his decision, he flung the picture into the flames. He made as though to toss the letter in after it, but it seemed stuck to his fingers. With a heavy sigh, he withdrew his hand and carefully folded it into his robe pocket, right next to the letter he had received on the day Hermione's parents were discovered dead.
"Help me, Sirius," he said to the empty room. "You were as good as a father to Harry...what are we dads supposed to do in situations like these?"
He knew the answer and Sirius did not bother to reply. 'Floo right back and apologise, beg her to come home,' a voice hissed inside his head.
He rubbed his greying temples. That was the one thing he should do and the one thing he was incapable of doing. "What a bloody mess," he growled.
"Dumbledore!" cried Neville Longbottom. Remus finished off the hooded Death Eater and spun to see Dumbledore. He was standing directly above them, framed in the doorway from the Brain Room. Remus exchanged grins with Sirius, before turning to meet a new opponent. However, as Dumbledore walked down the staircase, the Death Eaters fled. Grinning, Remus realised it was over. He might have been one of the leaders of the Order of the Phoenix, but that did not mean he enjoyed the art of wizard battles, or any battles for that matter.
One of the Death Eaters ran for it, scrambling up the stone steps opposite. Dumbledore's spell pulled him back as easily and effortlessly as though he had hooked him with an invisible line-
Only one pair was still battling, apparently unaware of the new arrival. Remus watched unconcerned as Sirius ducked Bellatrix's jet of red light. Sirius was their best duelist. He had beaten his teachers after two months in Auror training. He was laughing at his cousin, assured of his victory. "Come on, you can do better than that!" he yelled, his voice echoing around the cavernous room. Bellatrix raised her wand once more. Time seemed to slow.
Sirius was suddenly distracted as Harry moved closer to see the battle. A door some where burst open and two students- Hermione and Luna Lovegood burst into the room, just behind Bellatrix. A spell shot out of Bellatrix's wand. Hermione, completely unaware of the fact that Sirius had already prepared a counter spell screamed and, to Remus' horror, flung herself in front of the spell.
Bellatrix shrieked angrily as Sirius caught the girl, his own face twisted in agony. Harry's scream tore through the air, mingling with Remus'. He moved towards Bellatrix, but Sirius was quicker. Still holding on to Hermione, he raised his wand at Bellatrix.
"Avada Kedavra!" he shouted, not caring he was commiting a serious crime. Bellatrix was dead before she hit the ground. Time leapt back to normal and soon anyone able to walk was running over to Hermione and Sirius.
Sirius lay her down on the ground and gently patted her cheek. When she didn't respond, he felt for a pulse. His face paled to the whitest shade of white Remus had ever seen. With a moan like an injured beast, Remus pushed Sirius out of the way and clutched Hermione to him. "I...I'm sorry, Remus," Sirius apologised, his voice thick with unshed tears. "She was dead when I caught her. Bellatrix must have used Avada Kedavra."
"This is your fault!" Remus snarled at his best friend. "You should have died in her stead!"
"She threw herself in front of me," Sirius protested. "What the hell was I suppose to do?"
"Anything!" shouted Remus, not thinking clearly. He clutched tightly to Hermione and began to sing softly to her.
"Forever searching; never right, I am lost
In oceans of night. Forever
Hoping I can find memories.
Those memories I left behind."
He looked at her again, she had not stirred. She would never stir again. Losing the little strength he had, he collapsed across her body, not caring if he lived or died.
Remus jolted awake for the second time. That had been the worst dream he had ever had. He refused to believe some part of him wished Hermione had died in Sirius' stead. This must be a reaction to losing her, or as good as. Dream-Sirius' words came back to him. You chose the dead over the living. You must never do that.
'I seem to do that everyday,' he thought dryly. He glanced over at the clock and saw it was eight thirty in the morning. He did not see what point there was to getting up, but he could also see no point to rolling around in bed all morning. He used the reasoning that he did not deserve the luxury of sleeping in to pull himself out from under the covers. He skipped his shower, not caring if he smelled. Its not like there was anyone to see. There would never be anyone there to see, not anymore.
Hermione had been gone for a full two weeks. The days had dragged by, each minute an eternity. He dressed in his clothes from the previous day and ran his fingers absently through his now lank hair. He stumbled downstairs.
The kitchen was a sight. Dirty dishes from the few times he had bothered to eat were piled high in the sink. There was a thin layer of dust on the kitchen cabinents. The wireless was still playing from when he had left on that night. He had been listening to the news, riddling himself with guilt every time he heard the announcement of another death. The wizarding world was quickly reaching the state of panic it had been in during Voldemort's reign. Remus prayed nightly for Voldemort to pop in one night and murder him. Things would be so much easier if he were dead. All he had left were memories and memories, he was quickly learning, were not enough to substain a human being.
He was considering doing the dishes, when a popping! noise alerted him that someone had Apparated behind him. He turned to face Tonks. He caught his breath. She was still beautiful. He wanted to sweep her up and ravish her with kisses, but he forced himself to remain where he was. "What are you doing here, Tonks?" he asked coldly.
"Lovely to see you as well," she replied, sweeping past him. She glanced around, taking everything in. "I see you've kept busy." Her dripping sarcasm carried her disapproval quite clearly. She walked over to the sink and pointed her wand at the dishes, muttering a simple cleaning spell. She poured a bit of water into the sink, followed by a dash of soap from her wand, and the two weeks' worth of dishes began to clean themselves. "I've missed you," she announced, turning to face him again.
"Tonks, no jokes," he said, in his best Professor voice. "I made it quite clear to you in my letter that I wanted nothing more to do with you or any of the Order."
He expected her to look hurt, but her carefully blank face never changed a bit. "Yes, well about that," she nodded. "I seem to have misplaced the letter and for the life of me I couldn't remember what it contained. So, I decided I'd pop over and cheer you up. You look a fright, Remus. Shall I force you to have a shower?"
"Tonks..." he began.
"You know, I could do with a shower," she continued. "Maybe we could take one together. You know, to conserve energy?"
He irritably fought down the smile that was teasing his lips. "Allow me to recite the letter to you, Nymphadora," he offered. "I remember it perfectly.
'Dear Miss Nymphadora Tonks,
Thank you for the kisses, I hope you find someone more suited to your disposition.
Tonks glared heatedly at him. "Yes," she snapped. "You seem to have refreshed my memory quite capably. You know damn well thats plain stupidity, Remus. Why don't you tell me whats really going on? You owe me that at least!"
"You want to know whats going on?" shouted Remus, only half of him truly angry. "Well, I'll tell you. I almost ruined Hermione's life- either by killing her or turning her into a werewolf! I love Hermione like a daughter and I could have killed her! I'm a damn animal, Tonks! I'm dangerous, filthy and, given half the chance, I would send myself to the gallows!"
"So thats what this is about," laughed Tonks. "You think Hermione's angry with you? Remus, you could not be more wrong. She's miserable without you. She's been moping around Black Manor for two weeks. She's in agony without you. Even Harry and Ron can't snap her out of it anymore."
Remus halted his tirade. "Hermione is unhappy?" he questioned. "She...she misses...No! NO! Tonks, this isn't about how Hermione feels. Its about the fact that I am a danger to anyone who is near me! I can't come into contact with other humans. Its better this way."
"Remus, I hardly think you need to become a hermit," Tonks smirked. "You're only dangerous one night a month."
"Tonks, you don't understand!" Remus argued. "If I could, I would shoot myself in the head with a silver bullet this minute. I don't deserve to live. I should be rotting in hell!"
Something he had said seemed to have set off Tonks' temper. "No, Remus, I think I understand too damn well," she began heatedly. "You think this is about you being a werewolf, well its not! Its about you being afraid! Admit it! You're damn well ready to piss your pants. You're afraid to get close to anyone because you're afraid they'll die or leave you! I see where this is going. You're close with your school friends and then one day, you find out three of them are dead and one of them is off to Azkaban. Then, you finally get Sirius' back and find out that one of your friends is a Death Eater. Then, two years later, Sirius is murdered. You think now that Hermione and I are destined to be killed off simply because we're close to you! Thats not going to happen, Remus J Lupin!"
"What do you know?" Remus bellowed back. "You don't know anything! You're no more than a little girl!"
"Little girl?" repeated Tonks, her eyebrows shooting up in disbelief. "Well, listen to me, old man! I may be young, but at least I'm not afraid of love, unlike you!" And she Disapparated, leaving him to sink wearily in his kitchen chair.
He rubbed at his temples, her last words ringing in his head. 'At least I'm not afraid of love, unlike you!' Harry's words were coming back as well now. 'You are the only person I've ever met who seems eager to be alone and miserable!' He wasn't afraid of love! How could anyone be afraid of something so...wonderful? He felt like tearing out his hair, because there was a nagging feeling in the back of his mind and try as he might he couldn't ignore the truth.
"Morgana!" he gasped. "She's right!"
Author's Notes
Kady Rilla Wholi: Thanks for your review! Unfortunately, I've planned it out a little angsty...but I can promise you a happy ending.
QTpie-pippinsgurl: 2:00 in the morning? Thats mad! Glad you're liking it and I am very glad you found it again. Thanks for your review!
Calm Serene: Thanks for your review! Glad you're liking it and I hope you like this part just as much.
PlaidPajamas1015: Oh, thanks. I'm glad you found it funny. Thanks for your review and your compliments! They were highly appreciated!
Maggie: Thanks for your review! Although it is sad, Remus and Hermione are going to be apart for a while.
padfootsgurl4eva: Thanks for your review. Sorry to disappoint, but Hermione left.
Black Sparkles1: I made you cry? Oh, I'm sorry. But you love it? Okay...well, I'm confused. LOL. Glad you're liking it and thanks for the review!
padfoot1979: Hahaha...I'm not telling. But, for some consolation...have a Snape plushie doll. **hands her another custom made Hug Me Snape**
Missy: Well, I've updated...hope I didn't keep you hanging too long. Glad you're liking it!
crazych99: Tonks was in this one a bit. Thanks for your review and I'm glad you're liking it!
JT14: Don't worry about long reviews- they're my favs! Thanks for all of your compliments...you made me blush! Thanks for the review!
cosmo-queen: You are a very smart lady. Thats all I'll say!
Nihtfyr: Glad you like your plushie! Glad you like angst. Thanks for your review!
InkFairy: Hahaha...I update so frequently, because I have no life during the summer. When school starts again, there will probably be one or two updates every two weeks. Anyways, no, you didn't misread. Mione is going byebyebye. To be completely honest, I had completely forgotten about the Underage Wizardry Degree. Thanks for pointing it out. I made up an explanation in this chapter. But lets not tell anyone, okay? LOL
Susan: Glad you're liking it and thanks for your review!
Rykatu*L: Yea...Remus was always quite tense, IMO. Thanks for your review and I'm glad you're liking it!
Li-chan: Nope, can't tell you nothing will prevent her from leaving, cause that would be a lie. Glad to have you back! I hope you're enjoying it. Thanks for your review!
Sparky: I loff you too! ;) **hands her a tissue** Thanks for your review and I'm glad you're liking it.
Sayra Louise: Thanks for your review! I've always thought Snape is putting some of his prickiness on, though certainly he is still a bit of a jerk. But, you figure, he's doing all of his spying for Dumbledore. There has to be a bit of goodness in him.
heart-on-her-sleeve: Hahaha- true no cliffhanger. Please don't cry! **hands her a tissue.** Thanks for your review. Glad you're liking it!
I just want to thank you all again. You guys totally make my day and I'm overwhelmed by the positive response I am getting from this story. You guys are all brilliant! A special shout out to everyone who has added me to their favourites list since Wolf and Child came out. That really touches me!
Love you all,
Elbereth94