Lalala! I am back! I hope this turns out as good as I want it to; I haven't been so
committed to sitting down and writing SOMETHING, ANYTHING in a while. So if it
sucks, then it's only because I was forcing myself to write. If it's good, well, who knew?
^^ Hope you enjoy!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/ropaville/main.hmtl
****************************************************************
Rouge, Chapter IV/ ?
by Ciel Envoyé
Mamoru had found his classes, under certain present circumstances, almost
unbearable. He tried to take notes; an action he usually forced himself into when he found
his concentration waning, but still he got dismal results. His mind was focusing on that
tiny, dimly lit club but a few minutes walk from his hostel….
He growled lowly, scribbling out the chicken scratch he'd managed to scrawl on
his notebook. A quick glance at the clock revealed he only had a few more minutes of the
day left. He'd be able to exit this campus for the weekend then; something he'd thought
about almost as much as he did Serenity.
Serenity. He sighed when his thoughts settled on the specific focus of his
distraction. He'd tried to force her from his thoughts during the day; he'd known that
going to see her would prove to be a fatal mistake. Little did he know at the time that the
fatality would be his academic career. He could handle the sleepless nights; but having to
force himself to go to class after class, all the while suffering through the tragic memories
of the past few nights…. He was pretty sure this was the type of thing that drove men
insane.
With little flourish, the professor closed his briefcase, and Mamoru was snapped
out of his personal revelry. Students all around him were gathering their things and
exiting the doors obliviously; Mamoru had to scramble to keep up. He was hit by the
crisp air of Amsterdam as he pushed on the steel door, and he used a hand to force the
collar of his jacket up around his face.
Despite it all, he knew that he was going back tonight. It had been 3 days; he'd
had to force himself not to return before tonight. He'd found himself more and more
distracted each time he visited the strange, mysterious Serenity; going on a Friday night
was a conscious decision. He could spend the next two days mulling over whatever took
place, without fear of missing an assignment.
This would be his fourth time seeing her. The last had consisted of nothing more
than silence and a few choked, confused sobs on her part. Mamoru, again, held her, no,
clutched her, possessively, knowing that he had to. He knew instinctively that no one
ever had; it was another fact that saddened him about her. He'd almost been completely
discouraged about his efforts that night. For almost 55 minutes he chastised himself for
forcing the contact on her, and swore he wouldn't come back. He had hoped that it might
make a difference, do the young thing some good. But he'd become discouraged and had
started to leave when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck and to his complete
and utter shock, hugged him. It reminded him of his younger cousins, how they used to
throw themselves onto him and just grip him as if their goal was to pop his lungs.
But Serenity's embrace was desperate and he sensed her vulnerability, even
through the silence. The small gesture was all the prompting he needed to return. He
never told her when; she never asked. Perhaps she liked the element of surprise; he didn't
know. It didn't matter though. Both of them understood that he was coming back, and
they would repeat the scenerio all over again. It was surreal and strange, but Mamoru
never even considered the option of disappearing from her life. At least not now, and as
far as he could tell, not for a while. He was willing to plan for a few weeks in the future,
but his mind stopped, as if at an abyss, when it came to what happened after the semester
was over. He had already crossed the line of friendship, but hadn't even come close to
romance; that was something he never allowed himself to consider. It clearly was not an
option presently.
It was 4 PM as Mamoru entered the light din of the living quarters of his hostel.
His room was empty; no doubt his crass roommate was fighting for space in the
bathroom, preparing for a Friday night on the town. Mamoru took the rare moments of
peace to collapse onto his double bed and savor his few silence-filled minutes. He
thought of his home in urban Tokyo; his apartment, tiny and yet the only place in the
world he ever felt at home in. He thought of Rei, and how, oddly enough, he missed her.
He was fond of his exes; all of them. But Rei had become the closest to him, by far. But
even she couldn't climb the walls he'd erected. Not that she hadn't tried, though.
Mamoru sighed, reluctant to dive into such deep waters when he knew he
wouldn't have the time to properly stew over them. He'd decided to visit Serenity early
tonight; he hoped that in doing so, he could get a good nights rest. However, he knew the
unlikelihood of even that. Even if he returned home earlier, that would only provide more
time for rehashing the nights events.
Rubbing his face, in an attempt to wash himself of any preoccupation, he stood,
exhausted. He never realized how much simple thoughts could wear a person down. He'd
down enough thinking the past week; he wasn't even sure what about, now. It always
flitted from one random idea to another, and never really rested on anything for any
considerable amount of time. He could say one thing for sure, though; most of the time,
the strange girl at the club was usually at the root of his distraction.
He pulled himself, groaning all the way, from his bed, painfully aware that his sad
endeavor at resting failed. His body ached, but he was committed. He shook his neck; no
need to let Serenity know that was the reason he kept returning though. He really wasn't
sure if it was only the commitment that pulled him back. They never talked, and he
hadn't formed any emotional bonds. No, they were tied together in a way a cop is
connected to an innocent he saves; perhaps the ordeal was horrifying and he desires only
to forget it, but that is impossible. Mamoru felt like the girls reluctant savior; it was by
pure luck that he followed her to that room and that he had been the one to point the
finger at her. He knew from the way she buckled immediately that she was a broken
woman. Not even a woman; a girl. And Mamoru was, unfortunately, exactly the type of
guy who had a hidden hero complex. Against the will of his common sense, he decided to
help her. The poor thing.
Glancing at the clock, Mamoru chose the chance to duck out early. It was hardly
even a quarter past three, but he thought the extra 45 minutes of fresh air might clear his
head. More importantly, it would get him out of the hostel before any even noticed he had
come back. He didn't want to have to decline from offers to join them on their exploits
that night; nor did he want to offer a reason as to why. He had been successful so far at
avoiding any suspicion; no one had even seen him returning to distraught. But his logical
brain told him that that was not going to continue forever. He was going to have to
eventually formulate a plausible and continuing lie that would placate them. It was a
good thing most of them were so dumb; it shouldn't be hard to fool them .
Once more, he stepped out into the cold, less than half an hour after taking refuge
from it in the hostel. He glanced around, trying to make up his mind as to which path to
take. He could head directly for the club, and then find a place to sit remote to the
building. Or he could take the long route around the adjoining blocks, and pass by the
calm parks. The latter was appealing to him; one large commons reminded him of a
charming half-mile or so piece of land in Tokyo near his apartment. He wasn't a huge
romantic, at least not in his own mind, but he found himself staring at the lake more than
one night a week, just drowning in his thoughts. It struck him suddenly how much he
missed Japan; he'd never been particularly patriotic, but being so far away from the
familiar, the every-day, was jolting. He found an odd pang squeeze inside his chest.
His pace quickened as he neared the park, and within minutes he had settled on a
rather chilly cement bench. Mamoru leaned back blissfully, and watched the serene
waters of the tiny pond lie so still. With the nip in the air and the dreary, cloudy sky, he
could almost pretend it was frozen.
"Mamoru?"
He swiveled around, less surprised than curious. He didn't come around here
often; he didn't think there was a chance could run into one of his mates.
"What are you doing here?" Andrew asked, taking an uninvited seat next to
Mamoru on the bench. He did unwelcome the company; however he really wasn't
particularly interesting in keeping up with a conversation at this time.
"Escaping." He said plainly, his eyes watching the water still, intently. He could
see in his periphery that Andrew was nodding.
"Nice place to do it."
"I guess."
"Seriously though, what are you doing here?" His question seemed new; as if he
wasn't repeating himself. Mamoru could feel the annoyance begin to cloud his thinking.
"I wanted to get away from the house." He answered, a bit more bitingly than
before. "I've never been particularly fond of the monkeys that I stay with."
"Yeah, well, duh." Andrew answered plainly. Mamoru could feel the edges of his
mouth twitch in a smile. His blonde friend had a knack for dispelling any anger Mamoru
might have pent up without even trying. "And I don't blame you. But I haven't seen you
for days, and when I finally do, you're staring at some dinky pond like it might reveal all
the secrets of the universe." He suddenly turned to face Mamoru, his face serious now.
"So what gives?"
"I think I was hoping this damn pond might just tell me everything I need to
know." He exhaled and spoke something he instantly began to second guess. " 'Cause
God knows I have no idea what I'm doing anymore."
"Have you considered severing your connections with this girl, Mamoru?" He
replied, cutting through all Mamoru's clever pretensions. Mamoru blinked, but didn't
look at him. "I mean, damn, you really have no reason to…."
"Geez, Andrew, I know!" He barked, covering his face with his hands. He shook
his head violently and closed his eyes as tight as he could possibly get them, until he
thought he might just suck them back into their sockets. He hated talking about this; he
hated having someone else know about it. It made it more real; and if it was real, then
Mamoru had to have a reason for doing it. And for all his pondering, he honestly didn't
know what that was. "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I really don't." He laughed
bitterly and finally craned his neck sideways to look his friend in the eye. "I can't help it.
I know nothing about her, but I see her and it's like…like…" He pauses.
"What?"
"I don't know. Like I have no choice. It's like there's someone else, some other
person, who's telling me that I have to. And I don't object; I just do it." He shrugged,
knowing that nothing he just said made any sense. But it best described his feelings about
the situation; he was at the mercy of some higher power.
"Then maybe you should just stop questioning it." Was all his friend said.
Mamoru couldn't help it; he laughed.
"Excuse me? This from the guy who can't stop questioning it himself?"
"You don't owe anything to me." Andrew shrugged, as if to accentuate his point
by playing it cool. "But it's obviously eating you from the inside out." He raised an
eyebrow at him. "You look like hell, man." Again, Mamoru laughed.
"Yeah well, I'm going back to spend another hour with an underage prostitute that
will spend the entire time, and all my money, I might add, crying on my shoulder. I
honestly didn't picture this when I was packing for my semester abroad." He responded
sarcastically. He inhaled deeply the crisp air and the pulled his hand behind his head and
leaned back.
"Fate's a bitch; it's never what you planned on."
Mamoru felt like he had been struck. His companion stood up suddenly and
stretched, signaling the end of his interrogation and their conversation.
"I don't want to keep you from your plans." He turned around and continued on
whatever road he had been taking when he found Mamoru, but turned around within a
few seconds. "Just be careful over there." He called, almost casually, and stuffed his
hands in his pockets as he walked.
It was all Mamoru could do to exhale his cloudy breathe into the Amsterdam air
as he turned back to the peaceful lake before him. He thought about the club and Serenity
and glanced down at his watch. 5 till. He'd have to hussle if he wanted to beat the dinner
crowd. He didn't want to be waiting; he knew that the more people that were there, the
greater the chance that she might be "busy" when he arrived. And despite his private
denial of anything other than a friendship had developed, he knew that was a thought he
couldn't bear.
*****
"Mr. Chiba. It's so nice to see you again." The older woman greeted him warmly,
a knowing smirk playing on her lips. He cringed; he wasn't sure he liked being known as
a "regular" in such a place. "Am I correct in assuming you're here to see the lovely
Serenity again?"
Mamoru couldn't muster the words, so he nodded an affirmative. She smiled, as if
he had just chosen the catch of the day from the menu, and waved him through the velvet
curtains and into the bar. He caught a few smug glares from the ladies of the
establishment, but pointedly ignored them and took a seat at the bar. The last time,
Serenity had met him downstairs, and he followed her to another room up the stairs. He
was sort of hoping that might be the case tonight; if others were around, it might force her
to play nice.
"Your lady is waiting in room 4. She's requested you meet her upstairs." Madame
said lowly, pressing a hand to his back with one hand, and clutching a brass key in the
other. She turned the large piece of metal to him and guided him towards the doorway
without another word. When he was safely on his way, she went back to her station near
the entrance, and left Mamoru to make the journey alone. His thoughts wondered to what
state the innocent Serenity might be in tonight; scared again? Perhaps curious? He'd seen
a number of emotions during their brief periods together. However nothing resembling
joy ever joined that list. Mamoru hoped absently that he might be around long enough to
see the day when it did.
He let the key slip into the hole below the knob on the door marked with a faded
'4' and let it creak open just a bit. He stepped in hesitantly and glanced around before his
eyes landed on the petite form of Serenity. He was greatly relieved to see her standing in
the center of the room, the very picture of vulnerability. Her arms were clutched tightly
behind her and he could still see and sense her unease, but she was no longer afraid; that
was evident immediately. Somehow his return had proven to her how earnest he was
about his commitment, and he thanked whatever god there was for small favors.
"Mamoru." She stated politely, as if it was a formal requirement, but refrained
from smiling. But was it his imagination, or did he sense that she wanted to?
"Serenity." He spoke, as tenderly as possible. He let his hands hang limp at his
sides, conscious now of every limb in his body. She looked so frail; he was overcome
with such an overwhelming need to shelter her. From what, he didn't know. Sometimes
he thought from himself, but that was ridiculous. He felt awkward always at the
beginning, but he smiled in spite of it, and that appeared to release her. She smiled back.
"I knew….after last time, that you'd be back." Her face grew brighter as she
spoke. She seemed uncomfortable speaking; he thought maybe this was as honest as
she'd been in a while. "I don't know how."
"I needed to. I think you needed me to, too." He replied. She ducked her head,
wondering desperately how he had known. How he had figured out that she had prayed,
simultaneously, for him to disappear forever and yet stay. There had been unspeakable
comfort in his arms the last time they met. She hated that she was depending on him, on
anyone, for anything. But this feeling was addicting, this security. It was a drug she'd
never experienced before, but couldn't get enough of now.
A tear slid down her cheek, and she had been so preoccupied with hiding her face
that she hadn't heard him slip beside her. She was very aware of his slender yet hard arms
as they encircled her, and for the first time she slid into them like a warm bath. Her
fingers unclenched from behind her and she tentatively laid them loosely on his hips. She
had hugged him last time; an act she had kicked herself for just seconds after his
departure. But now she was afraid of being too open again; after an hour of openly
sobbing, it hadn't been hard to take that last jump and just embrace him. If only to tell
him she appreciated his actions, no matter how odd they seemed. But now, she had spent
several days second guessing everything that went on between them, and she wasn't sure
anymore. But she was able to breathe freely again when he took her small gesture and
lifted her farther up, into a tighter embrace. She'd always been aware of how perfectly
the male and female bodies fit together, but now it was almost alarming. It wasn't even
the least bit sexual, and she could still feel the amazing curves of his body melt right into
hers. It was something she experiences day after day, but it had never been this satisfying.
More tears followed the solitary one from moments before, but they were alone
this time. No incessant sobbing or choking accompanied them. It was almost like magic.
She was so used to crying after every hour that she spent with a man; a hobby she had
taken up only recently. It was like purging her body of all the unwanted fluids
symbolically. She couldn't rid herself of the filth the men brought with them, but it at
least made her feel better.
Mamoru pulled away a bit, but still kept a vice grip around her torso, and looked
down at her intently. She disliked his scrutinizing eyes; sometimes she wondered if
maybe he was searching for reasons to leave and never come back. She could offer him
enough of those, but as time wore on, she wanted nothing more than to hide anything that
might make him do so.
"Please talk to me tonight." He pleaded, and she gasped at how desperate he
sounded. It was this sincere interest that made her decide to comply finally. "I want to
know about you, Serenity."
"What about?" She asked, forcing a laugh. "You've already guessed more than
anyone else dared."
"Why is a girl like you in a place like this?" He asked, still piercing her with his
eyes. His penetrating orbs were opening her up with such ease.
"Good money." She laughed bitterly and she could sense his disappointed in her
answer immediately, which sent her spirit sinking. "I'm sorry, bad joke." She said,
sobering. "I don't know why, I guess. It seemed to… fit."
"Fit?" He seemed confused. She swallowed and nodded, slipping into the
conversation with comfort. It was an argument she'd heard a thousand times in her own
head as she rationalized her profession to herself each night as she drifted off to sleep.
"I came here after my father kicked me out. I didn't think I'd be able to do
anything else." She shrugged half-heartedly. It was funny; this sounded so much better in
her head.
"Your father kicked you out?" Mamoru asked, even though he was acutely aware
of how much deeper the waters were now. This was delving father than he had before,
and he wondered if he wasn't pushing her too much, too soon. But she continued, turning
away and playing with the velvet couch behind her.
"Yeah. When I was 15. For the life of me, I don't know why he didn't do it
sooner. It's not like he didn't want to." She stated simply, like it was just another fact of
life. He squinted at her back, wondering where a girl got the notion that it really was just
that simple and just. He could see her spine loosen as she began to unwind a bit more,
and he piqued his attention for more. "I never knew my mother. She was from Kyoto, but
came here when she was young and met my father. They married before she was 20, but
she died within a year." Mamoru could feel his chest constrict as he waited for the
inevitable to follow. "She died giving birth to me."
He had figured as much, but it still shook him to hear her say it aloud. Things
were beginning to make more sense to him. Serenity was a little less of a mystery
anymore.
"I heard about my mother my whole life. She was perfect; my father called her a
fallen angel." She stopped, and from his blocked vantage, Mamoru imagined her smiling.
"I wish I could have known her." She said, in a small voice. He instantly knew that was
enough; to probe her anymore on the subject would have been cruel. He stepped a bit
closer and wrapped a single arm around her waste protectively. She didn't tense at the
contact this time though; instead, she leaned her neck back and sighed. Within seconds he
could feel the tears fall onto his arm and he let go once again and pulled her around to
face him.
"Your mother was from Japan." He stated and she nodded, tears paused on her
pink cheeks. He smiled warmly. "I'm from Tokyo." He was delighted by the grin that lit
up her face. She was a completely different person when she smiled.
"I could tell you weren't from around here."
He gave her a lop-sided smirk and let his arms drop. "I never would have guessed
it from you though. The blonde hair hides it well, Serenity."
Her eyes clouded over again, despite the beam on her lips. His look grew
concerned, and he dipped his head to get closer.
"What is it?"
"My mothers name was Serenity. That's why I chose it for my work." She inhaled
shakily, as if she was uncertain she should be revealing this information. He waited
patiently for her to continue. "My mother always wore her hair in the buns, my father
said. He called her his asian rabbit." She blushed at this. "So when he had to choose a
name for me, he called me Usagi." Her voice grew soft and she began to stare down at
the floor.
"Usagi…." Mamoru tried out the name, tasting it. She stared up at him now,
watching him curiously, her previous moments of destitution gone. "I think it's perfect."
She blushed a hot pink color, and he marveled at the change that had taken place in such
a short time in her. And in himself, as well. He knew time was wearing thin, so he had to
take a leap. Now.
"Come see me, Usagi."
"Wha…What?"
He almost regretted the request when he saw the fear drift back onto her delicate
features.
"I've been here four times now. I want you to come and visit me." He explained.
Mamoru could see several emotions travel through her eyes, and he hoped that she could
see how sincere he was in asking such a thing. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her
in this place anymore. He was even more convinced after this that she didn't belong here;
and if at all possible, he wanted to avoid it at all costs. "You're so out of place here,
Usagi. It just seems wrong." He pulled his hand up to stroke her cheek tenderly and he
could feel her tremble under his fingers. And yet she didn't move away.
She licked her lips and closed her eyes, hating herself for enjoying the sensation
of the gentle stroking from the pads on his fingers. She knew she shouldn't; she'd regret
it later on, she told herself. But she couldn't stop the words from forming on her lips.
"Where and when?"
*********************************************************
Hope you all enjoyed! Feedback is MUCHO appreciated! ^^
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
committed to sitting down and writing SOMETHING, ANYTHING in a while. So if it
sucks, then it's only because I was forcing myself to write. If it's good, well, who knew?
^^ Hope you enjoy!
ropachan@cox.net
cielenvoye@yahoo.com
http://www.geocities.com/sailorananke/ropaville/main.hmtl
****************************************************************
Rouge, Chapter IV/ ?
by Ciel Envoyé
Mamoru had found his classes, under certain present circumstances, almost
unbearable. He tried to take notes; an action he usually forced himself into when he found
his concentration waning, but still he got dismal results. His mind was focusing on that
tiny, dimly lit club but a few minutes walk from his hostel….
He growled lowly, scribbling out the chicken scratch he'd managed to scrawl on
his notebook. A quick glance at the clock revealed he only had a few more minutes of the
day left. He'd be able to exit this campus for the weekend then; something he'd thought
about almost as much as he did Serenity.
Serenity. He sighed when his thoughts settled on the specific focus of his
distraction. He'd tried to force her from his thoughts during the day; he'd known that
going to see her would prove to be a fatal mistake. Little did he know at the time that the
fatality would be his academic career. He could handle the sleepless nights; but having to
force himself to go to class after class, all the while suffering through the tragic memories
of the past few nights…. He was pretty sure this was the type of thing that drove men
insane.
With little flourish, the professor closed his briefcase, and Mamoru was snapped
out of his personal revelry. Students all around him were gathering their things and
exiting the doors obliviously; Mamoru had to scramble to keep up. He was hit by the
crisp air of Amsterdam as he pushed on the steel door, and he used a hand to force the
collar of his jacket up around his face.
Despite it all, he knew that he was going back tonight. It had been 3 days; he'd
had to force himself not to return before tonight. He'd found himself more and more
distracted each time he visited the strange, mysterious Serenity; going on a Friday night
was a conscious decision. He could spend the next two days mulling over whatever took
place, without fear of missing an assignment.
This would be his fourth time seeing her. The last had consisted of nothing more
than silence and a few choked, confused sobs on her part. Mamoru, again, held her, no,
clutched her, possessively, knowing that he had to. He knew instinctively that no one
ever had; it was another fact that saddened him about her. He'd almost been completely
discouraged about his efforts that night. For almost 55 minutes he chastised himself for
forcing the contact on her, and swore he wouldn't come back. He had hoped that it might
make a difference, do the young thing some good. But he'd become discouraged and had
started to leave when she suddenly threw her arms around his neck and to his complete
and utter shock, hugged him. It reminded him of his younger cousins, how they used to
throw themselves onto him and just grip him as if their goal was to pop his lungs.
But Serenity's embrace was desperate and he sensed her vulnerability, even
through the silence. The small gesture was all the prompting he needed to return. He
never told her when; she never asked. Perhaps she liked the element of surprise; he didn't
know. It didn't matter though. Both of them understood that he was coming back, and
they would repeat the scenerio all over again. It was surreal and strange, but Mamoru
never even considered the option of disappearing from her life. At least not now, and as
far as he could tell, not for a while. He was willing to plan for a few weeks in the future,
but his mind stopped, as if at an abyss, when it came to what happened after the semester
was over. He had already crossed the line of friendship, but hadn't even come close to
romance; that was something he never allowed himself to consider. It clearly was not an
option presently.
It was 4 PM as Mamoru entered the light din of the living quarters of his hostel.
His room was empty; no doubt his crass roommate was fighting for space in the
bathroom, preparing for a Friday night on the town. Mamoru took the rare moments of
peace to collapse onto his double bed and savor his few silence-filled minutes. He
thought of his home in urban Tokyo; his apartment, tiny and yet the only place in the
world he ever felt at home in. He thought of Rei, and how, oddly enough, he missed her.
He was fond of his exes; all of them. But Rei had become the closest to him, by far. But
even she couldn't climb the walls he'd erected. Not that she hadn't tried, though.
Mamoru sighed, reluctant to dive into such deep waters when he knew he
wouldn't have the time to properly stew over them. He'd decided to visit Serenity early
tonight; he hoped that in doing so, he could get a good nights rest. However, he knew the
unlikelihood of even that. Even if he returned home earlier, that would only provide more
time for rehashing the nights events.
Rubbing his face, in an attempt to wash himself of any preoccupation, he stood,
exhausted. He never realized how much simple thoughts could wear a person down. He'd
down enough thinking the past week; he wasn't even sure what about, now. It always
flitted from one random idea to another, and never really rested on anything for any
considerable amount of time. He could say one thing for sure, though; most of the time,
the strange girl at the club was usually at the root of his distraction.
He pulled himself, groaning all the way, from his bed, painfully aware that his sad
endeavor at resting failed. His body ached, but he was committed. He shook his neck; no
need to let Serenity know that was the reason he kept returning though. He really wasn't
sure if it was only the commitment that pulled him back. They never talked, and he
hadn't formed any emotional bonds. No, they were tied together in a way a cop is
connected to an innocent he saves; perhaps the ordeal was horrifying and he desires only
to forget it, but that is impossible. Mamoru felt like the girls reluctant savior; it was by
pure luck that he followed her to that room and that he had been the one to point the
finger at her. He knew from the way she buckled immediately that she was a broken
woman. Not even a woman; a girl. And Mamoru was, unfortunately, exactly the type of
guy who had a hidden hero complex. Against the will of his common sense, he decided to
help her. The poor thing.
Glancing at the clock, Mamoru chose the chance to duck out early. It was hardly
even a quarter past three, but he thought the extra 45 minutes of fresh air might clear his
head. More importantly, it would get him out of the hostel before any even noticed he had
come back. He didn't want to have to decline from offers to join them on their exploits
that night; nor did he want to offer a reason as to why. He had been successful so far at
avoiding any suspicion; no one had even seen him returning to distraught. But his logical
brain told him that that was not going to continue forever. He was going to have to
eventually formulate a plausible and continuing lie that would placate them. It was a
good thing most of them were so dumb; it shouldn't be hard to fool them .
Once more, he stepped out into the cold, less than half an hour after taking refuge
from it in the hostel. He glanced around, trying to make up his mind as to which path to
take. He could head directly for the club, and then find a place to sit remote to the
building. Or he could take the long route around the adjoining blocks, and pass by the
calm parks. The latter was appealing to him; one large commons reminded him of a
charming half-mile or so piece of land in Tokyo near his apartment. He wasn't a huge
romantic, at least not in his own mind, but he found himself staring at the lake more than
one night a week, just drowning in his thoughts. It struck him suddenly how much he
missed Japan; he'd never been particularly patriotic, but being so far away from the
familiar, the every-day, was jolting. He found an odd pang squeeze inside his chest.
His pace quickened as he neared the park, and within minutes he had settled on a
rather chilly cement bench. Mamoru leaned back blissfully, and watched the serene
waters of the tiny pond lie so still. With the nip in the air and the dreary, cloudy sky, he
could almost pretend it was frozen.
"Mamoru?"
He swiveled around, less surprised than curious. He didn't come around here
often; he didn't think there was a chance could run into one of his mates.
"What are you doing here?" Andrew asked, taking an uninvited seat next to
Mamoru on the bench. He did unwelcome the company; however he really wasn't
particularly interesting in keeping up with a conversation at this time.
"Escaping." He said plainly, his eyes watching the water still, intently. He could
see in his periphery that Andrew was nodding.
"Nice place to do it."
"I guess."
"Seriously though, what are you doing here?" His question seemed new; as if he
wasn't repeating himself. Mamoru could feel the annoyance begin to cloud his thinking.
"I wanted to get away from the house." He answered, a bit more bitingly than
before. "I've never been particularly fond of the monkeys that I stay with."
"Yeah, well, duh." Andrew answered plainly. Mamoru could feel the edges of his
mouth twitch in a smile. His blonde friend had a knack for dispelling any anger Mamoru
might have pent up without even trying. "And I don't blame you. But I haven't seen you
for days, and when I finally do, you're staring at some dinky pond like it might reveal all
the secrets of the universe." He suddenly turned to face Mamoru, his face serious now.
"So what gives?"
"I think I was hoping this damn pond might just tell me everything I need to
know." He exhaled and spoke something he instantly began to second guess. " 'Cause
God knows I have no idea what I'm doing anymore."
"Have you considered severing your connections with this girl, Mamoru?" He
replied, cutting through all Mamoru's clever pretensions. Mamoru blinked, but didn't
look at him. "I mean, damn, you really have no reason to…."
"Geez, Andrew, I know!" He barked, covering his face with his hands. He shook
his head violently and closed his eyes as tight as he could possibly get them, until he
thought he might just suck them back into their sockets. He hated talking about this; he
hated having someone else know about it. It made it more real; and if it was real, then
Mamoru had to have a reason for doing it. And for all his pondering, he honestly didn't
know what that was. "I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I really don't." He laughed
bitterly and finally craned his neck sideways to look his friend in the eye. "I can't help it.
I know nothing about her, but I see her and it's like…like…" He pauses.
"What?"
"I don't know. Like I have no choice. It's like there's someone else, some other
person, who's telling me that I have to. And I don't object; I just do it." He shrugged,
knowing that nothing he just said made any sense. But it best described his feelings about
the situation; he was at the mercy of some higher power.
"Then maybe you should just stop questioning it." Was all his friend said.
Mamoru couldn't help it; he laughed.
"Excuse me? This from the guy who can't stop questioning it himself?"
"You don't owe anything to me." Andrew shrugged, as if to accentuate his point
by playing it cool. "But it's obviously eating you from the inside out." He raised an
eyebrow at him. "You look like hell, man." Again, Mamoru laughed.
"Yeah well, I'm going back to spend another hour with an underage prostitute that
will spend the entire time, and all my money, I might add, crying on my shoulder. I
honestly didn't picture this when I was packing for my semester abroad." He responded
sarcastically. He inhaled deeply the crisp air and the pulled his hand behind his head and
leaned back.
"Fate's a bitch; it's never what you planned on."
Mamoru felt like he had been struck. His companion stood up suddenly and
stretched, signaling the end of his interrogation and their conversation.
"I don't want to keep you from your plans." He turned around and continued on
whatever road he had been taking when he found Mamoru, but turned around within a
few seconds. "Just be careful over there." He called, almost casually, and stuffed his
hands in his pockets as he walked.
It was all Mamoru could do to exhale his cloudy breathe into the Amsterdam air
as he turned back to the peaceful lake before him. He thought about the club and Serenity
and glanced down at his watch. 5 till. He'd have to hussle if he wanted to beat the dinner
crowd. He didn't want to be waiting; he knew that the more people that were there, the
greater the chance that she might be "busy" when he arrived. And despite his private
denial of anything other than a friendship had developed, he knew that was a thought he
couldn't bear.
*****
"Mr. Chiba. It's so nice to see you again." The older woman greeted him warmly,
a knowing smirk playing on her lips. He cringed; he wasn't sure he liked being known as
a "regular" in such a place. "Am I correct in assuming you're here to see the lovely
Serenity again?"
Mamoru couldn't muster the words, so he nodded an affirmative. She smiled, as if
he had just chosen the catch of the day from the menu, and waved him through the velvet
curtains and into the bar. He caught a few smug glares from the ladies of the
establishment, but pointedly ignored them and took a seat at the bar. The last time,
Serenity had met him downstairs, and he followed her to another room up the stairs. He
was sort of hoping that might be the case tonight; if others were around, it might force her
to play nice.
"Your lady is waiting in room 4. She's requested you meet her upstairs." Madame
said lowly, pressing a hand to his back with one hand, and clutching a brass key in the
other. She turned the large piece of metal to him and guided him towards the doorway
without another word. When he was safely on his way, she went back to her station near
the entrance, and left Mamoru to make the journey alone. His thoughts wondered to what
state the innocent Serenity might be in tonight; scared again? Perhaps curious? He'd seen
a number of emotions during their brief periods together. However nothing resembling
joy ever joined that list. Mamoru hoped absently that he might be around long enough to
see the day when it did.
He let the key slip into the hole below the knob on the door marked with a faded
'4' and let it creak open just a bit. He stepped in hesitantly and glanced around before his
eyes landed on the petite form of Serenity. He was greatly relieved to see her standing in
the center of the room, the very picture of vulnerability. Her arms were clutched tightly
behind her and he could still see and sense her unease, but she was no longer afraid; that
was evident immediately. Somehow his return had proven to her how earnest he was
about his commitment, and he thanked whatever god there was for small favors.
"Mamoru." She stated politely, as if it was a formal requirement, but refrained
from smiling. But was it his imagination, or did he sense that she wanted to?
"Serenity." He spoke, as tenderly as possible. He let his hands hang limp at his
sides, conscious now of every limb in his body. She looked so frail; he was overcome
with such an overwhelming need to shelter her. From what, he didn't know. Sometimes
he thought from himself, but that was ridiculous. He felt awkward always at the
beginning, but he smiled in spite of it, and that appeared to release her. She smiled back.
"I knew….after last time, that you'd be back." Her face grew brighter as she
spoke. She seemed uncomfortable speaking; he thought maybe this was as honest as
she'd been in a while. "I don't know how."
"I needed to. I think you needed me to, too." He replied. She ducked her head,
wondering desperately how he had known. How he had figured out that she had prayed,
simultaneously, for him to disappear forever and yet stay. There had been unspeakable
comfort in his arms the last time they met. She hated that she was depending on him, on
anyone, for anything. But this feeling was addicting, this security. It was a drug she'd
never experienced before, but couldn't get enough of now.
A tear slid down her cheek, and she had been so preoccupied with hiding her face
that she hadn't heard him slip beside her. She was very aware of his slender yet hard arms
as they encircled her, and for the first time she slid into them like a warm bath. Her
fingers unclenched from behind her and she tentatively laid them loosely on his hips. She
had hugged him last time; an act she had kicked herself for just seconds after his
departure. But now she was afraid of being too open again; after an hour of openly
sobbing, it hadn't been hard to take that last jump and just embrace him. If only to tell
him she appreciated his actions, no matter how odd they seemed. But now, she had spent
several days second guessing everything that went on between them, and she wasn't sure
anymore. But she was able to breathe freely again when he took her small gesture and
lifted her farther up, into a tighter embrace. She'd always been aware of how perfectly
the male and female bodies fit together, but now it was almost alarming. It wasn't even
the least bit sexual, and she could still feel the amazing curves of his body melt right into
hers. It was something she experiences day after day, but it had never been this satisfying.
More tears followed the solitary one from moments before, but they were alone
this time. No incessant sobbing or choking accompanied them. It was almost like magic.
She was so used to crying after every hour that she spent with a man; a hobby she had
taken up only recently. It was like purging her body of all the unwanted fluids
symbolically. She couldn't rid herself of the filth the men brought with them, but it at
least made her feel better.
Mamoru pulled away a bit, but still kept a vice grip around her torso, and looked
down at her intently. She disliked his scrutinizing eyes; sometimes she wondered if
maybe he was searching for reasons to leave and never come back. She could offer him
enough of those, but as time wore on, she wanted nothing more than to hide anything that
might make him do so.
"Please talk to me tonight." He pleaded, and she gasped at how desperate he
sounded. It was this sincere interest that made her decide to comply finally. "I want to
know about you, Serenity."
"What about?" She asked, forcing a laugh. "You've already guessed more than
anyone else dared."
"Why is a girl like you in a place like this?" He asked, still piercing her with his
eyes. His penetrating orbs were opening her up with such ease.
"Good money." She laughed bitterly and she could sense his disappointed in her
answer immediately, which sent her spirit sinking. "I'm sorry, bad joke." She said,
sobering. "I don't know why, I guess. It seemed to… fit."
"Fit?" He seemed confused. She swallowed and nodded, slipping into the
conversation with comfort. It was an argument she'd heard a thousand times in her own
head as she rationalized her profession to herself each night as she drifted off to sleep.
"I came here after my father kicked me out. I didn't think I'd be able to do
anything else." She shrugged half-heartedly. It was funny; this sounded so much better in
her head.
"Your father kicked you out?" Mamoru asked, even though he was acutely aware
of how much deeper the waters were now. This was delving father than he had before,
and he wondered if he wasn't pushing her too much, too soon. But she continued, turning
away and playing with the velvet couch behind her.
"Yeah. When I was 15. For the life of me, I don't know why he didn't do it
sooner. It's not like he didn't want to." She stated simply, like it was just another fact of
life. He squinted at her back, wondering where a girl got the notion that it really was just
that simple and just. He could see her spine loosen as she began to unwind a bit more,
and he piqued his attention for more. "I never knew my mother. She was from Kyoto, but
came here when she was young and met my father. They married before she was 20, but
she died within a year." Mamoru could feel his chest constrict as he waited for the
inevitable to follow. "She died giving birth to me."
He had figured as much, but it still shook him to hear her say it aloud. Things
were beginning to make more sense to him. Serenity was a little less of a mystery
anymore.
"I heard about my mother my whole life. She was perfect; my father called her a
fallen angel." She stopped, and from his blocked vantage, Mamoru imagined her smiling.
"I wish I could have known her." She said, in a small voice. He instantly knew that was
enough; to probe her anymore on the subject would have been cruel. He stepped a bit
closer and wrapped a single arm around her waste protectively. She didn't tense at the
contact this time though; instead, she leaned her neck back and sighed. Within seconds he
could feel the tears fall onto his arm and he let go once again and pulled her around to
face him.
"Your mother was from Japan." He stated and she nodded, tears paused on her
pink cheeks. He smiled warmly. "I'm from Tokyo." He was delighted by the grin that lit
up her face. She was a completely different person when she smiled.
"I could tell you weren't from around here."
He gave her a lop-sided smirk and let his arms drop. "I never would have guessed
it from you though. The blonde hair hides it well, Serenity."
Her eyes clouded over again, despite the beam on her lips. His look grew
concerned, and he dipped his head to get closer.
"What is it?"
"My mothers name was Serenity. That's why I chose it for my work." She inhaled
shakily, as if she was uncertain she should be revealing this information. He waited
patiently for her to continue. "My mother always wore her hair in the buns, my father
said. He called her his asian rabbit." She blushed at this. "So when he had to choose a
name for me, he called me Usagi." Her voice grew soft and she began to stare down at
the floor.
"Usagi…." Mamoru tried out the name, tasting it. She stared up at him now,
watching him curiously, her previous moments of destitution gone. "I think it's perfect."
She blushed a hot pink color, and he marveled at the change that had taken place in such
a short time in her. And in himself, as well. He knew time was wearing thin, so he had to
take a leap. Now.
"Come see me, Usagi."
"Wha…What?"
He almost regretted the request when he saw the fear drift back onto her delicate
features.
"I've been here four times now. I want you to come and visit me." He explained.
Mamoru could see several emotions travel through her eyes, and he hoped that she could
see how sincere he was in asking such a thing. He couldn't bear the thought of seeing her
in this place anymore. He was even more convinced after this that she didn't belong here;
and if at all possible, he wanted to avoid it at all costs. "You're so out of place here,
Usagi. It just seems wrong." He pulled his hand up to stroke her cheek tenderly and he
could feel her tremble under his fingers. And yet she didn't move away.
She licked her lips and closed her eyes, hating herself for enjoying the sensation
of the gentle stroking from the pads on his fingers. She knew she shouldn't; she'd regret
it later on, she told herself. But she couldn't stop the words from forming on her lips.
"Where and when?"
*********************************************************
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