EVEN NOW

Disclaimers: As if….

This is just a little something that popped into my head while listening to an oldies station.  The song is Even Now by Barry Manilow.

Please send reviews…

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Sometime in the future…

It's the same thing just a different day.  I work and then go home.  I make dinner and wonder why every thing changed, but it still stayed the same.  I think about what my life could have been had I made different choices, if we both made different choices.  He went away, he never told me he was leaving he just left.  What was I to do? I had to go on with my life.  I wanted the things that every woman wants.  He just had to ask but he didn't and now here I am wondering what in the world I am doing…

Even now when there's someone else who cares
When there's someone home who's waiting just for me
Even now I think about you as I'm climbin' up the stairs
And I wonder what to do so he won't see that

He thought I wanted someone else, if he stayed around to ask he would have realized that I didn't want anyone but him.  He should have hung around, he should have asked.  He never asked, he never questioned anything.  He just went away.  So here I am now, with a man I don't love and starting a life I don't want.

Even now when I know it wasn't right
And I've found a better life than what we had
Even now I wake up cryin' in the middle of the night
And I can't believe it still could hurt so bad.

Well that's not true, he's a good man.  He's given me everything I could possibly want.  Everything except what I really want.  I have the future, I have the prospect of marriage, the hope of children and someone to live out my life with.  It's the wrong future, the wrong marriage, the wrong father for my children and the wrong man I am living out my days with.  Why didn't he just ask?

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are, I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shining through, I swear I think of you
And how I wish you knew, even now

I was promoted and I wanted to share it with him. I wanted to share my joy with him. When I was sad, I wanted him to comfort me.  Now he is the reason for my sadness. How did all this happen?  I kissed a friend who was in pain.  I comforted someone who needed it. There was nothing there, nothing between us.  He took it wrong, he should have asked.  He should have said something.  Instead he just left.  He didn't just leave me, he deserted me. 

Even now when I never hear your name
And the world has changed so much since you've been gone
Even now I still remember and the feeling's still the same
And this pain inside of me goes on and on, even now

People still talk about him.  I have to catch my breath when I hear his name.  I always look to see if they are greeting him and not just reminiscing.  Everyone has such fond memories.  It's hard for me to listen to them.  I usually end up going off by myself and fighting back the tears that threaten to come.  I put all of his pictures away, to shield myself.  I saw one today, the pain that came back hurt so bad.  I thought I was over the pain, but I guess I was wrong. 

Even now when I have come so far
I wonder where you are
I wonder why it's still so hard without you
Even now when I come shinin' through
I swear I think of you and God, I wish you knew
Somehow, even now

My life is going in the right direction.  I need to forget him.  It's been over two years since he left.  Why is this so hard? I need to think about something else as I drive home.  I need time to think about my life.  I need to decide what I am going to do.  Do I play the game and go on with the path I have chosen or do I hope for something else?  What do I do?  I am planning a life with the wrong man.  I pull into the driveway and slowly get out of my car.  I hate going home now.  The wrong man is there waiting for me.  The wrong man is trying to make me happy and complete my life. As I walk up to my door, he's waiting for me, he's a good man.  He cares and he's honest. Today something is different. As I get closer to the doorway my heart skips a beat….

"Harm…" I say as I regain my composure.