Disclaimer: No, they *still* don't belong to me. *weeps* Neither the boys from "Gundam Wing" nor the song "Sometimes When We Touch" (prod.: Hill/Man and ATV Music Ltd.; vocal: Bonnie Tyler) are mine! I just...er, 'borrowed' them. (Slightly modified the lyrics, too. ^^) I hereby promise to return them – eventually. Maybe.
Warning: This fic contains shounen-ai. Meaning: m/m relationship. Don't like it? Don't read it! (And remember: I did warn you!)
Notes: Wasn't really planned, but this shows once again that often things might happen differently than you think. For those who want to read a companion-piece to „In My Life". This is Heero's POV. ^^V
Sometimes When We Touchby Hotaru Muraki
It's midnight. You are lieing in your bed, sleeping. Like usual. By now, the sheets from your bed are wrapped around your body like a space-suit of thin, white cloth. And your blanket at your feet, kicked back by your tossing and turning. You yourself are curled up, your braid clutched tightly in your right fist. Again, like usual.
Only. . . Why am I still awake then?
Even the fourth try to fall asleep again is unsuccessful. Hn. This situation, highly unusual for me, has to be analyzed. Today, something is deviating from our routine. But what?
. . . . . No. ...Not this. . . . . Not that either. ...And this?
Hn. I think I now what's different today.
You.
Earlier this evening... I was sleeping. Your gaze had woken me up. Duo, I know when I'm being stared at. Training. Nevertheless, I didn't react, pretended to be still asleep. I secretly watched you out of nearly closed eyes. You never noticed. For if you had, you never would have dropped your mask like that.
Even from where I was lieing, I could see your eyes. Indigo. Beautiful. But...today, they were no misleading mirrors like usual. No, today your eyes were windows. And in these twin-windows. . .
I saw the question in your eyes then, Duo.
You asked me if I loved you.
- I choke on my reply.
I'd rather hurt you honestly
Than mislead you with a lie.
I...don't know what to say. I'm not even sure what to think. Or...feel? That is something all my training hasn't prepared me for.
And, Duo. . . Why I of all people? I'm no-one. I have nothing. War has made me who I am today. You. . . You are different. Simply different from me. But. . . .
And who am I to judge you
On what you say or do
When I wanna just beginnin'
To see the real You?
I remember. Our first encounter. You shot me. Twice. Your face when I didn't simply go down as you obviously expected. Over the distance between us, we looked into each other's eyes then. The first time. Only for the fraction of a second. And somehow. . .there was something. Something new, something...unfamiliar. For the eternity of a heartbeat. . .both of us no longer were alone.
And sometimes when we touch,
The honesty's too much;
Then I have to close my eyes
And hide.
Duo. . . You scared me back then. I have learned that feelings equal weakness. Emotions impede on efficiency and cloud logic. That still is my opinion. But back then . . .
Back then on that ship, I learned for the first time in my life that there could be other possibilities. Your eyes. . . Again, for the first time in my existence, I felt the wish for my life to pass differently.
That is not perfect. It's unprofessional. No, egoistic. But also...human.
Even as we slowly got together with the others, you still remained someone special to me.
I. . . I...need you, Duo.
I want to hold you till I die,
Till we both break down and cry;
I want to hold you
Till the fear in me subsides.
And that's precisely what...scares me. To feel something for someone makes me weak. Vulnerable. Exposed. The missions are endangered.
.....Apart from that, it endangers you.
And I don't want that. If you were gone. . . I couldn't but miss you. That's why I want to protect you. Why else should I routinely threaten to kill you? I want you to keep your distance. If you don't get close to me – then you won't be hurt. Right?
Somehow, now, in the darkness of the night, it's far easier for me to admit to that. Weird, isn't it?
Romance with all its strategyLeaves me battling with my pride;
And through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives.
I...don't know what to do. For this mission, I have no order. No plan. No, worse: no training and no experience. I. . . What do I want?
I'm just another fighterStill trapped within my truth,
A hesitant pathfinder
Still trapped within his youth.
Our teamwork is very efficient. You are determined, goal-oriented and inventive. You're also talkative, nerve-wracking and unable to be silent for longer than two minutes! Your open manner attracts people, makes it easy for you to get to know them. I...can't approach someone like that. Even though... With you, I wish that I could. You look at me – and smile. I remain silent – and you are talking my ears off! My silence doesn't bother you. My threats don't deter you. Why?
You aid me when I need help but don't ask for it. And the gentleness with which your hands time and again dress my wounds, bandage my injuries. . .
And sometimes when we touch,
The honesty's too much.
- Then I have to close my eyes
And hide.
I am almost...ashamed to admit it but – I enjoy your touches. Even though I am not able to show it.
You managed to break through my defences. You alone. Of all the people I have met up to now, you are the only one who ever managed to accomplish that.
I want to hold you till I die,
Till we both break down and cry;
I want to hold you
Till the fear in me subsides.
While you continue sleeping peacefully, I'm stretched out on my bed, wide awake, thinking. About you. What you do. And why. What we have gone through and about what is yet to come. About me. Who the 'Perfect Soldier' really is. What I really want. ...Are my missions really all I'm permitted in my life? All I can hope for?
Duo, I do need you. Without you...I'd really be all alone again.
Duo. . . What should I do?
At times I want to break you
And drive you to your knees;
At times I want to break through
And hold you endlessly. . .
Life is so short, Duo. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
And all of a sudden, I feel wonderfully light, freed from constraints the existence of which I never even knew about. Finally. . . . Finally I've found the answer to the question in your eyes. It is 'Yes!'.
I look towards you. Duo, you kicked your sheets back again. I get up and silently walk the few paces over to stand beside your bed. Mutely, I look down on your sleeping form. You know, Duo, you look really cute when you're sleeping. An unfamiliar feeling makes me draw the corner of my mouth ever-so-slightly upwards. I'm...smiling?
What are you doing to me...?
I grab your sheets and blanket carefully. Even more carefully, so as not to wake you, I pulling everything upwards, covering you once again.
Yes, I want to hold you till I die,
Till we both break down and cry;
- I want to hold you
Till the fear in me subsides. . . . .
„. . .uaawn....Heero. . . !?"
~ O W A R I…? ~