Harry and Draco kissing. You have been warned. (Yawn)
Disclaimer: All rights to HP belong to Miss Rowling.
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Thursday morning started off the same as any other day did now. Draco had got dressed and disappeared off to the sixth floor going to 'their' room. He and Harry had decided that depending on who arrived first - they would wait for five minutes. If the other did not show within that time, then assume they had been held back and leave. But that rarely ever happened. After spending the whole night alone, they were anxious to see each other in the mornings.
As much as he tried to deny his feelings, Draco knew that he was sinking deeper and deeper into Harry. This past week had been a roller coaster of emotions for him. In the moments away from Harry, he mulled over the situation and tried to come up with an answer to his turmoil. It would seem that he had made up his mind once and for all, but then he would see Harry and his resolve would crumble to dust and get swept away with the wind. He thought he had made his decision but then change it again within seconds of seeing Harry. That's what had happened yesterday. He had been planning on talking to him when they had met by the stands last night, but then Harry had smiled and all Draco's mindful thinking flew out of the window. Last night had been so nice…. Harry had been funny and so bloody cute.
But anyhow, he didn't want to talk about his concerns to Harry. That would indicate that he had been thinking about 'them' and he didn't want to be admitting that at all. He did not want to appear indecisive and unsure. He was – but didn't want Harry knowing that. Harry seemed so self-assured so much of the time. Like he knew what he wanted to do and just went ahead and did it. Just like that. He was intrepid and as much as Draco admired that in him, it annoyed him also.
He wished it wasn't so hard. He wished that this whole situation wasn't wreaking havoc in his head and that he felt ripped into two. Having two such contradictory halves was draining to say the least. He could make like an ostrich and shove his head in the sand, but how long could that last? Something was going to give somewhere wasn't it? It had to. It scared him to think of Harry and himself in the future, because he couldn't see any future for them at all – together.
No one would accept this, and Draco wasn't sure that he even wanted people to. How sick and screwed up is that? Very was the answer. He just couldn't make up his mind. He knew what he felt for Harry was not purely sexual much to his horror. He'd had ample opportunity to have his way with him last night and he hadn't taken it. As much as he had wanted to, he hadn't, couldn't. It wasn't right to do such a thing when he was having doubts. It wasn't fair to Harry. Especially when he gave himself up to Draco with such abandon and trust – to take advantage of that was low. Draco wouldn't.
He went inside in the room and Harry was already waiting for him. He smiled brightly as Draco neared him, his arms ready to embrace. Draco felt Harry wrap around him safely, and his previous thoughts trickled out of his head as expected. He looked at Harry's face and Harry smiled broadly. It was so genuine and pure. Harry smiled a lot when they were together. Draco grinned back.
'Good morning,' Harry whispered and softly kissed Draco's lips.
'It is now,' Draco replied, kissing him back.
He was rewarded with yet another smile and held Harry even tighter.
Harry kissed his forehead and slipped his fingers through Draco's hair. He dropped his head onto Harry's chest and closed his eyes. It was easy to forget the outside world when he was like this. Nothing mattered except Harry. When he shut out the whirring thoughts in his head, he had peace.
It was safe and warm in Harry's arms. Everything melted away. His body felt cold, and strangely alone by itself and he only found solace in the perfect companion of Harry's body blanketed against his. Dependency of that extent was bad surely? He pressed his nose into Harry's jumper, as Harry stroked his hair and back soothingly. What were his options he mused? Alone he deliberated, considered, pondered, till he nearly drove himself stir crazy. So his other option would be? Attaching himself in a permanent state to Harry, thus leaving him no room at all to do any thinking of any kind- just thoughts about how good it felt to be with Harry. Yes and life is that simple.
He drew his head slightly higher and started to suck at the sweet smelling skin of Harry's neck, below the collar. Harry's fingers dug in gently into his back as he sucked harder, licking him every now and again.
Harry let out a faint groan as Draco kissed a fiery path up along the length of his neck. He ended his journey on Harry's lips. He enjoyed it immensely when he passed his tongue over Harry's. Harry made the sweetest sounds that made Draco's body tingle. He feathered kisses on those soft lips and gently nibbled at Harry's bottom lip, which made Harry whimper.
Harry puckered his mouth and cupped Draco's face as he retaliated with a tender assault of his own. Draco relaxed completely, letting Harry do whatever he wished. This is what I'm reduced to, he thought hazily as Harry gripped his lower back and smothered him in delicious caresses.
'My skin misses you, when you're not with me,' Harry murmured.
Draco could appreciate that phrase entirely. He felt exactly the same way. See? Permanent attachment was the only solution to that particular problem.
'Ooohhh,' Harry looked dismayed, ' we'll be late for breakfast.'
Draco nodded, ' but then I'll see you in Potions.'
He snickered as Harry made a face.
' You can have head start today,' Harry smiled and Draco squeezed him and laid a kiss in his hair before moving away.
Immediately as he walked out into the corridor, the warm blanket fell off of him and he was shrouded in cold once again. He pushed back his hair fractiously; he needed to sort this out. Just make a decision and go with it. But which route to take? Or more to the point, what to follow- his heart or his mind?
He went into the Great Hall and breakfasted quickly, making small talk with Vincent. He was lucky in that sense, that he didn't have friends who were super alert. They did notice his frequent absences, but he was a quick thinker and made up plausible excuses, which they could not find much fault in. He told them that he studying. Who could find a flaw in studying anyway?
He along with a few other sixth year Slytherin's, went off down into the Potions class. He usually got there before Harry and seated himself in the back row. He was soon joined by Millicent, and some other fat girl from Hufflepuff, much to his distaste. He couldn't remember her name but she was so annoying. Why were so many girls annoying? He couldn't figure it out. He smirked then to himself. Maybe because you're gay, Malfoy? But no that couldn't be it. He found many boys annoying too. Most people were just bloody irritating he concluded. He suppressed a deep sigh as he sat wedged between the two heavyweights on either side of him. He contemplated on moving but the seats had quickly filled up and he wanted to stay in the back row.
Five minutes later, in came Harry with his ghastly entourage of Gryffindor's. They were all so sick, he thought again for the millionth time. He clenched his teeth firmly in place and waited for the lesson to start.
Harry was sitting in the second row and Draco could just make out the top of Harry's head and left shoulder, as Lavender Brown was obstructing his line of vision by sitting directly in front of him. Of course she was sitting next to Parvati Patil, and they both constantly tried to whisper throughout the lesson. How on earth they had managed to get into Snape's class was beyond Draco. Snape caught them chatting each time and deducted points from Gryffindor, which came to mind why they even bothered. Couldn't they wait till after the lesson to talk? Draco seriously doubted that the two of them had such a hot topic of conversation, which simply had to be discussed during lesson time.
Yesterdays Potion lab had been much more fun he recalled. He rested his head in his hand, his elbow leaning on the table and remembered the previous days events in this very room, in this very spot. He smiled softly as he recollected Harry touching him and kissing him. It had been amazing; absolutely knee- trembling, arousing in a way you wouldn't believe. Harry had nestled against his back like a little dormouse. No one had even known that Draco had this beautiful boy tucked all around him. The all-encompassing warmth that had radiated from Harry's body into his own had made Draco woozy. The sensation of feeling Harry like that, as if the very air around you had suddenly become solid and was holding you and touching you.
Harry certainly had imagination, Draco gave him that. The boy had balls, Draco laughed and turned it into a cough quickly. He saw Harry's side profile as he turned his head a fraction to his right. Draco cleared his throat. He knew Harry was saying hello silently. Draco made a small kissing sound and knew that Harry understood it was meant for him. He could feel Millicent staring at him and he ran his tongue over his teeth and looked at her. She smiled toothily and he grimaced. It wasn't meant for you luv. He gave her a dry smile.
Professor Snape came in with a few curt reproaches, before starting off the lesson. He was going to do a quiz, which he often did now - just to catch them off-guard. A quick lightning round to be precise, much to the horror of many of the students.
Draco smirked as Snape turned his coal-black eyes on Weasel.
'Tell me Mr Weasley,' he asked almost threateningly in his cool, cold voice. 'Which group of potions has one particular potion that takes three parts of gingko powder?'
The class fell quiet and Draco could almost imagine the cobs slowly rotating in Weasley's inept brain.
'Uhhhh…' came a faint mumble followed by a healthy pause.
'Oh for goodness sake! This is NEWT level potions, ' Snape snapped. ' We'll be here till next year by the time you answer! How on earth you managed to get the grade you did in your OWLs Mr Weasley is beyond my comprehension,' Snape snarled, his lips curved in disgust.
Draco smirked and could imagine carrot-top's face turning as red as his hair.
The Potions master shook his head disgusted, 'someone else.'
Draco loved Potions. He was naturally good at it and it was always fun to see Snape still severely chastise the Gryffindor's. It made the lesson so much more enjoyable.
Snape's eyes wandered over the rows and seemed to land on Harry. Draco wondered if Harry even knew the answer.
'Are you able to stun us today with your infinite wisdom Mr Potter?'
Professor Snape's tone was dry and decidedly sarcastic. He had said that to Harry before. Draco, although previously glad of Snape's obvious dislike for Harry, now wondered what the actual reason behind it was. Maybe those 'remedial classes' Harry had taken last year had made Snape hate him all the more.
Draco shifted in his chair; he had been surprised that Harry had needed to take those classes and even now, took extra lessons with Professor Snape. Crabbe and Goyle had always been much worse than him, and they hadn't taken remedial potions. Draco hadn't told anyone either that he had seen Harry with Snape. Perhaps deep down he didn't believe that Harry was indeed taking thicko potions, because frankly at NEWT level, he couldn't be. And besides it wasn't much fun spreading lies – the truth was always much more sweeter. He'd never asked Harry about that. There were many things that he hadn't asked Harry.
The class waited again and Harry's clear voice then broke the silence.
' A memory potion Professor Snape.'
Snape's thin lips became even thinner as he gave a swift nod.
He looked horribly dissatisfied that Harry knew the answer. Draco watched with amusement. However, he was glad that Harry knew the answer.
The lesson carried on pretty much the same as it usually did and as the class ended, many students still ran for the door – literally. Someone suddenly bumped into him from behind and he stumbled slightly, steadying himself on the table.
'Sorry, excuse me,' came a smooth, polite voice.
He felt a hand slip into his cloak pocket and kept his face still. He turned then and saw Harry's retreating back and briefly touched his pocket to feel a slip of paper. He hid his smile and made a hateful face at Harry's back. Unfortunately he caught Weasels gaze.
Give me strength, Draco thought as ginger- nut forwarded him a poisonous glare. Draco couldn't help but show his third finger with a scathing look, which only caused the little vermin to narrow his eyes further. Draco shook his head and slung his bag over his shoulder walking out.
Once he had reached the common room, he went into his bedroom and then took out the small piece of paper.
If you can make it, I'll wait for you in ten minutes in our room.
Harry
Draco scrunched up the note and went downstairs and threw it into the fire. He watched it burn and checked the time. He could make it.
And here we go with the reservations.
But……….
He didn't want to be Harry's lapdog. He didn't want to be running around Harry every minute he had. He didn't want to be soft. And then he felt guilty because he knew that Harry wasn't even thinking in that way. He just wanted to spend time with Draco. God, he was so sweet. Why the hell was he so bloody sweet? He shouldn't be – not after everything- but he was. As much as he wanted to still hate Harry, he found himself being unable to, though things had been a lot simpler then. At least he had no idea then what he was missing out on. Draco expelled a deep breath, his thoughts once again getting the better of him.
A Malfoy and a Potter just didn't mix.
Gryffindor and Slytherin.
Pureblood and Half-blood.
They were the antithesis of one another and cliché as it maybe, they were all true. They are all true, his mind reiterated once more. He didn't want to be Harry Potter's boyfriend – he could not. Alone he was someone – Draco Malfoy. It still held status – it had to. Being a Malfoy still held prestige. But if he were to be with Harry, he would be - nobody. Why couldn't Harry have been a 'nobody' in this equation? It would have been much more easier to solve then. He sighed. I'm being an arse.
He sat down in the armchair opposite the huge fireplace and looked blankly into the flickering flames.
'Draco?'
It was Pansy. She was getting on his nerves. His mother had bumped into Pansy's mother a few days ago, and Pansy had received a letter saying that Narcissa and Draco were going to join the Parkinson's for dinner one evening in the Easter holidays. Pansy had ecstatically informed him of this yesterday in the library and he had cursed foully in his head, showing as little interest as he could. He wished his mother had asked him whether he even wanted to go. He liked Pansy; they had been friends from the first year. But this year she was just being plain weird. He knew his father was in jail; he didn't need sympathy because of it. She had started off the first term mollycoddling him, doting on him on every turn and he had got sick of her. He had stopped hanging around her, which proved difficult at times as they were both Prefects, but he had been much more distant with her since the start of the second term. He knew that she fancied him and that was becoming boring too. He had liked her for a while during the fourth and fifth year but Blaise was much more attractive and he had started to pay her more attention. And now he didn't want to be near either of them.
He looked up at her and she smiled.
'I wondered if we can all go together to Hogsmeade on Saturday?'
There were so many other boys that she could be paying attention to. Why him?
'I don't know if I'm going yet Pansy or even what time. I don't want to make plans with anyone in case I don't follow them through. So make your own arrangements and I'll see you there if I go ok?'
There, that was nice enough wasn't it?
She nodded and stood there. He got up suddenly.
' I have to go and do something,' he said,' bye,' and with that he quickly excited the room.
It took him a few minutes to reach the sixth floor. There wasn't anyone around and he walked down to the corridor.
He opened the door and Harry was already there, standing by the window. He turned around with a soft smile as Draco clicked the door shut behind him.
'Hey, I'm glad you came.'
Draco was also glad he came. Harry walked over to him and hugged him tightly. Harry was very tactile; Draco had noticed that about him as soon as they had started seeing each other. He liked being held and hugging and cuddling, he was very touchy feely. Not that Draco was complaining. It was very pleasant.
'So what was the sudden need to meet up?' Draco asked as Harry dropped a small kiss on his lips.
Harry shrugged.
' I don't know…… I just felt like it.'
He pressed his lips more forcefully on Draco's and Draco readily soaked up the kiss.
' You can't get enough of me, admit it?' Draco murmured against Harry's lips.
'I do,' Harry replied back simply.
Draco was again, taken aback by Harry's frank declarations. Words of that nature seemed to flow easily from Harry's lips.
Draco closed his eyes and prodded Harry's mouth wider. He leaned back slightly.
'Have you been eating chocolate?'
Harry smiled, ' yes. Do you want some?'
Draco raised his left brow, 'is that even a question?'
Harry grinned and reached into his pocket, pulling out a chocolate bar. He broke off a small brick and was about to pop it into Draco's mouth, when Draco stopped him and took it out of his hand.
'What?'
Harry's eyes sparkled. Being this close to him, Draco could see every detail in the refreshingly, striking face. He looked past his reflection that he could see on Harry's glasses and into the mystifying deep, bright green emeralds. They were looking questioningly at Draco with a small smile playing on those delectable lips.
'Lets put it in your mouth,' Draco said.' Stick out your little tongue.'
Harry obliged and Draco placed the small piece of chocolate in the centre of it. He then drew Harry's tongue completely, into his own mouth, sucking it purposefully. He gripped Harry tightly, with Harry's head embedded firmly inside the crook of his right elbow. He felt Harry's hands clutch around him and Draco slowly sucked the chocolate; melting it over their tongues and letting it slide in their mouths, absorbing the taste and the feel of it.
Harry shivered in his arms and moaned as the last sliver remained and Draco swirled his tongue around Harry's. Draco intensified the kiss still more, sucking off the remaining veil of chocolate, which thinly coated Harry's tongue.
They both gasped for oxygen as soon as Draco let their lips part.
Harry smiled shakily,' that was the sweetest chocolate I've ever tasted. Certainly haven't ever ate it like that before,' he breathed in and kissed Draco gently.
'Me either,' Draco held him closely, his fingers running through the short, thick, mass of black glossy hair.
He kissed Harry's cheek and they stood quietly, wrapped in each other's arms.
Many minutes had passed like this. Draco couldn't ever account for the time that had slipped by in a blur. It was a pity, Draco mused, that they hadn't yet learnt a spell that stopped time. He wondered if there even was one. Oh well.
They both sank into the couch, Harry dropping his head in Draco's lap. Draco traced the curve of Harry's lips with his index finger, running it across the smooth cheek, the small straight nose. Harry gazed up at Draco with an unfathomable expression. Draco preferred not to scrutinize it any further. He could already read it.
'Can we meet here about ten?'
Draco traced the scar on Harry's forehead delicately under his finger. The first few times he had touched Harry's scar, Harry had looked at him with a slightly wary expression. Now he didn't seem to mind at all.
'Sure,' Draco answered back and Harry reached up his right arm, and drew Draco's head lower till their lips met.
As they kissed, Draco wondered if Harry noticed, that most of the time it was him who did the asking of when and where to meet. Draco rarely ever did, but then again Draco never refused him either. His heart somersaulted and he pressed gentle kisses on Harry's forehead that caused Harry's eyes to close.
They left the room with some time to spare before lunch. Draco, not in the mood for company, went into the library, finding himself a secluded corner.
Lunchtime arrived and his eyes homed in on a certain floppy-haired boy, before shifting away to his meal.
The afternoon lessons then proceeded slowly and haltingly and Draco gladly breathed a sigh of relief as he walked out of the last lesson.
He stayed in the common room afterwards and chatted with a few Quidditch team members. There were going to be a few matches at the end of April and the beginning of May. Slytherin were going to be playing Hufflepuff. Ravenclaw had already played against Hufflepuff and won, but the final match looked most likely to be against Gryffindor and Slytherin at the end of June for the cup. That would be interesting, Draco thought. He would try his best of course, but knew that out of the both of them, Harry was still the better player. Admission noted.
Time for dinner came soon enough and he reflected on the monotony of having to fill your stomach up three times a day. It was so bizarre when you really thought about it. It was always time to eat.
As he neared the end of his meal, his owl flew down to him and dropped a letter. He caught it squarely and looked at it.
It was from home.
He suddenly felt his blood run cold. Had his mother found out somehow? About him and Harry? He shook his head. It did NOT necessarily mean that. His mother sometimes sent him letters and parcels often. She had only done so only last week in fact. He put it on the table next to his plate and drank down his pumpkin juice. He eyed the white envelope cautiously and quickly wiping his lips with his napkin, picked it up and walked out of the Great Hall.
His heart was beating funnily as he went down past the Dungeons. He felt queasy all of a sudden. Stop being an idiot and open the letter. No one had found out. He'd been careful hadn't he? Nobody suspected anything at all. It was ok. He ripped it open, once he reached his dorms and began to read it in the privacy of his bed.
Dear Draco,
I apologise for not writing you a letter last week along with the package. I have been otherwise occupied, but I had wanted to say congratulations on your victory in last weeks Quidditch match. Mrs Parkinson informed me and I was surprised that you had not written and told me. However, well done. Your father would be proud as I am. I hope this will be one of many victories for you my dear son.
I know you will do well and make the Malfoy name live up to its acclaim, but you have never disappointed me Draco. Reach your full potential and make yourself and us proud. You show those other houses exactly what you are made of – a Malfoy and a Slytherin are an unbeatable combination. They always have and always will be.
You will prevail I know.
Take care my darling, and I will see you in the holidays.
Yours Lovingly, Mother
He reread the letter a few more times before slipping it into his trunk. His felt his cheeks burn and felt short of breath. His father. His mother.
Oh my god, hold on.
What on earth did he think he was doing? Hello? He felt a small hysterical bubble starting to pop in the pit of his stomach. It was threatening to travel and erupt in his chest as he felt the start of manic laughter gurgle in his throat.
His parents, his mother, his father- would never condone such an aberration in his behaviour. He couldn't do this to his parents. The people who had clothed him and fed him and loved him- and he was going to slap them in the face with THIS? How could he have even begun to disregard his father in such an appalling fashion? His father was stuck in jail – Harry had been there the night he had been caught, and it didn't take a genius that the reason they had all even been congregated there in the first place was because of Harry.
He could just imagine his mother getting into a conversation with another parent from school.
' I say Narcissa; I heard a rather amusing anecdote the other day. That your son is gay and his boyfriend is none other than Harry Potter!'
His mother would raise her head and purse her lips tight. Her normally pale face, growing even paler from such a shaming accusation. She would coldly cut down the informant with a blunt denial and her eyes would shoot blue fire. He could never do that to his mother and he shuddered to even begin to think of what his father's reaction would be like.
He was a Malfoy for crying out loud. He couldn't let his father down like this! He had to uphold the family name, not fucking canoodling with Harry.
Harry.
His parents came first. They loved him and he was grateful that his parents cared so much about him. There were people out there who treated their kids like shit. He was lucky. Friends and lovers would come and go but his parents were the one sure thing in his life that he could be certain of.
If news got out about him and Harry, it would have serious repercussions on his family. The infamy - it wasn't so much that he was gay, or bisexual or whatever he was, it was the simple fact that he was with Harry. And that couldn't happen, otherwise what kind of son was he? He felt so ashamed of himself. What if the other Slytherin's found out? Some of their parents were involved in the Dark Lord's activities. Vincent and Theodore's fathers had also been caught that night. His aunt's husband had once again been sent back to Azkaban. This was real life- not some Wizarding romance novel. Draco would be lynched if word got out that he was seeing Harry.
His thoughts raced and he felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. The hard realisation crashed down onto him with full damning force. This couldn't continue. He'd been having doubts all week but now…………………now it stopped because he had received his wake-up call finally. He had been looking for an answer, a solution. Well here it was in black and white. An absolution.
Being a Malfoy was first and foremost. His family loyalty came above all else. And at a time like this, he must have been insane to have any kind of dalliance with Harry. His father was awaiting his trial date and he chose NOW, to get together with Harry? Talk about brilliant timing.
He was not that starved for a tender touch and a kiss. He could get plenty from many other willing participants. It did not HAVE to be Harry.
Potter.
Over summer after his fourth year had ended, his father had 'gone away' to business countless of times. His father was a little evasive in his conversations with Draco, but Draco was not naïve and remembered feeling a thrill of fear.
Fear of what was about to happen and what part his family was about to take in it.
It was strange, because he had always known that his father had been a former Death Eater. His father had repeated tales of when the Purebloods had reigned the Wizarding world and though he hadn't come outright with it, he had talked of when the Dark Lord was in the height of his power and how the Malfoys had benefited from it.
The apparent demise of the Dark Lord, brought out stories of times changing. How Lucius had then managed to keep himself and his family out of harms way, but not without much care and skilful working. Those accounts had made his father's face hard with a steely, dark expression.
Draco knew that his father loved him, but he was often disappointed in him, Draco could tell. His mother was not, but his father was. It seemed that Lucius Malfoy was great at everything and had been great at everything when he was Draco's age. His father was a little patronising in his behaviour towards him and a fraction overbearing at times, but no parent was perfect. He got the feeling that his father was frustrated because Draco didn't live up to his expectations. And he was right to think such a thing. Just take a look at what his son was getting up to at school! His father would be absolutely sickened and so angry. Oh god he would be so angry. This was how he paid back Potter? This is how he avenged his father's capture? By kissing the boy who had put his father in jail? Draco grimaced, as he faintly tasted bile at the back of his throat.
As a child, Draco had been in awe of his father being a Death Eater. And as all things dark and sinister, it held a fascinating hushed admiration from the young boy. He knew his father had a lot of dark items in the house but they were hid from view and he was not allowed to disturb his father if he was in the room where he kept his safe and important documents. His father never allowed him to touch the dark items either, though Draco had accompanied him many times to Knockturn Alley when he was younger. Maybe his father did not trust him with Dark Magic, but Draco had not questioned his reasoning's. His father bought him everything he had ever wanted and Draco had had a plush and luxurious childhood.
People felt threatened of the Malfoys even after the downfall of the Dark Lord. The uncertainty of whether Lucius was a Dark Wizard or not, had always made people treat the family with caution and diffident respect. Not only that, but the Malfoys were a Pureblood family, wealthy and attractive. They seemed to have it all and Draco had always felt proud of that. He still was. And once his father had been reinstated into the fold, Draco had felt a buzz of excitement.
But his father wasn't here anymore and till he came out, it was up to Draco to step into his shoes. He had to be the man of the house now. He had to take responsibility. His mother did not want him to get the Dark Mark but there was no need for him to completely discount all that his father had stood for.
Draco stared up at the ceiling. It was good that he had realised now and could end it quickly with Harry. There was no point letting this carry on further to its obvious doom. He loathed himself for letting the situation get even this far. It didn't matter what he felt for Harry.
In fact he didn't feel anything for Harry.
It was just infatuation nothing more.
No, nothing more at all.
Such thoughts racked his mind till he looked at the time. He would be meeting Harry in a while. It would all end here.
He went up early to the room and sat down waiting for Harry to arrive. The minutes passed and Harry was late. Draco felt the nerves building with every second and he felt agitated. Suddenly the door burst open and a very red and tousled Harry came in.
'Sorry,' he gasped rather breathlessly as he closed the door behind him.
Draco eyed him evenly, taking in his dishevelled appearance even though his heart was galloping uncomfortably.
'Did you run here?' he said, trying to keep his voice steady.
Harry ran a lot. Not away from things, but to things it seemed. Always to things.
Harry gave a little shrug, ' I didn't want to miss you,' he answered back simply.
' I'm right here,' Draco said quietly.
Harry was still standing by the door and he rubbed his eye quickly under his glasses. Draco took in a tremulous breath and looked at Harry for a moment. Oh shit, he felt suddenly very sick as he stared at Harry.
Why are you so bloody adorable? Why? Why? I don't care about you at all. I don't. I can't. I won't.
He swallowed hard.
'Are you okay?' he asked as Harry stifled a small yawn.
'Yeah I'm fine, I just woke up too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep.'
He came closer to Draco and Draco got up drawing Harry into his arms. It was such an automatic reaction, that he did it without thinking.
'Are you ok?' Harry asked and Draco nodded.
' I'm fine.'
I'm also a liar, he thought. I lie really well.
Harry smiled up at him.
'How's the rest of your day been?' Harry inquired pressing his nose against Draco's cheek.
'Ok,' Draco said closing his eyes.
I'll do it in a minute, he thought. Just need to say it properly so he gets the message very clearly - not being able to misinterpret what I have to say. Quick, short, concise and to the point. He pursed his lips getting ready to begin……
'Just ok?' Harry teased and puckered his lips and pressed a gentle kiss on Draco's closed mouth.
'Is that better?' he carried on kissing Draco with soft touches on his bottom lip.
Draco held him tighter, 'yes that's better,' he said softly and sighed.
It was better, holding Harry close was better, kissing him was better. Being with Harry was better but there was no point fighting the unavoidable. For gods sake- this had to be done.
Harry slipped his arms around Draco's neck and kissed him warmly. Draco clutched him firmly and kissed him fervently before moving back a fraction.
'Harry? I uhhh I…' Draco suddenly stammered, his words getting stuck on the roof of his mouth,' I um……….uh…..' shit,' I can't stay for long tonight, ok?'
Harry nodded, 'ok,' and Draco leaned in, looking over Harry's shoulder.
Fuck this was hard, and it shouldn't be. Just tell him.
But he hadn't had time to think it out properly. If he wanted to make a clean break, then he needed time to think about what to say. Yes, form some kind of coherent mix of words that would take some time to compose if it were to be done correctly. And he hadn't had time, right? He couldn't just blurt it out?
Yeah….. right, no……. he couldn't.
He looked at the couch and moved back taking Harry's hand and pulling him down onto it. Draco ducked his head in Harry's neck hiding from his cowardice and guilt. Harry shifted slightly, laying down and pulled Draco into his arms.
'Hey,' he said tenderly and Draco raised his head.
He closed his eyes so Harry could not see what the hell was going on in his head and kissed him fully on the mouth. He was practically lying on top of Harry and was struck by a sudden thought. He hadn't touched Harry intimately in that way at all, so, if he finished it with Harry – then Harry would be doing those 'things' with someone else. The thought of it made Draco's stomach turn. He did not trust anyone to touch Harry, as he would have done. Anyone else laying a finger on Harry made him nauseous. Seriously - it made him want to heave.
But, it was good right? That he hadn't because if this was all they were going to be, then it was only right that Harry experience such things with someone that he would be in a long term commitment with…and I shouldn't really let myself get so emotionally attached to him.
Yes that's right.
Draco felt Harry stroke his chest as they kissed.
I can't do it now, I can't. I'll do it tomorrow. Not now.
He slid off of Harry slightly and lay on his side, his back pressing against the cushions. He held Harry tightly as Harry too lay on his side, their noses literally pressed together. They kissed again, slowly letting their mouths collide and meet and greet and touch. Technically, you could kiss away most of the day.
Draco put out his arm and let it fall behind Harry. He ran his fingers up and down the length of Harry's back and Harry sighed.
' That feels nice,' he whispered and buried his face closer against Draco's.
He closed his eyes and Draco continued to stroke him gently. Sometimes ruffling his hair softly, sometimes letting his fingers linger across his cheeks, glide down his waist and then across his back again. Draco stared at him all the while. Harry had no idea how he was feeling. He looked so untroubled and sweet just lying there and Draco felt like the biggest shit to walk the earth or near enough.
Why are you making this so difficult huh? He asked Harry silently. Any other person and Draco would have been rid of them by now. At the first sign of discomfort he would have ended it, but Harry was different. He was unlike anyone Draco had ever been with. Draco rubbed his back, up and down and soon could hear Harry's breathing become deeper and regular.
He was fast asleep.
Draco kissed his head and gently pulled off his glasses and placed them on the armrest. It was poetic really – Harry asleep like this, so trusting in his nature and Draco meanwhile harbouring such culpable thoughts. He felt so guilty, again. He hated that Harry trusted Draco with himself. Laying himself open to Draco, so that Draco could ruin him. You didn't need to exchange life stories to have and hold someone in your hands. Having them physically, gave you so much more power and responsibility and Draco wasn't sure if he could handle such a task. He didn't want to. He trailed his fingers down Harry's neck.
Well I don't have to worry about that now do I? He thought. Once it was finished with Harry he would have nothing.
As in no Harry -nothing.
His throat ached and he took in a deep breath and tried to force down his swallows as hard as they could go, in order to stop the ache growing larger. He shouldn't prolong it really. It was better for him and for Harry in the long run.
He smiled sadly then, he couldn't help it, and looked at the face before him. He took in every detail of every eyelash, the colour of his skin, the curve of his lips. The jet-black hair that fell in long layers over his face. Draco brushed a soft strand back and Harry stirred slightly, snaking his arm further around Draco and pressing his face against Draco's collarbone. Harry felt like a soft, warm little cat all huddled up next to him.
Draco felt his heart swell and he quickly tried to squash the tidal wave about to take him over. He rested his cheek against Harry's hair and slowly slid his arm underneath Harry's head, tucking him close against his chest. Harry nuzzled against his body and Draco gathered him up in his arms, softly stroking his hair.
What is it with you Harry? Draco thought. Why do you have so little regard and consideration for your life? You shouldn't have trusted me, I shouldn't have let you and I shouldn't have fallen for you. Why did I do this to myself? Draco could carry on pretending that everything was hunky-dory, but it wasn't. Their little secret would have blown up in their faces before long and then what would have happened? Maybe Harry had a habit of throwing himself into the fire at regular intervals but Draco was not ready for that. Am I?
He kissed Harry's hair and lay still, holding him close. He let Harry sleep for over half an hour and then finally urged him to wake up.
'Harry?' he said softly, squeezing Harry's shoulder.
' Come on, wake up.'
'Mmmmm,' came a soft moan and Draco smiled.
'Oy,' he rubbed his back, ' wakey wakey.'
'Whaaaa?' came a faint reply.
'You fell asleep. '
Harry's eyes opened slightly and he looked disorientated for a moment.
'I fell asleep? Why did you let me go to sleep?'
Draco tutted, ' I didn't let you, you just did.'
Harry cuddled him tighter and buried his nose in Draco's chest again.
'It's your fault,' came his muffled response,' you're all comfy.'
Draco smiled,' my fault again huh?'
Harry chuckled, ' yeah,' he sniffed a deep breath.
' Wish I could sleep with you every night,' he mumbled fuzzily and promptly closed his eyes again.
Draco winced at Harry's choice of words. It was such a small and simple sentence, but it cut right through him.
' You said you couldn't stay long?'
' Well a guy can change his mind,' Draco answered back with slight difficulty.
Harry moaned in resignation as he opened his eyes again.
'Guess I should get up.'
Draco smiled and slipped his arm out from under Harry. He sat up on the couch and Harry lifted himself up, leaning against Draco's back in his sleepy state.
'What time is it?'
'After eleven.'
Draco yawned suddenly and Harry yawned a second later, grinning. Draco got up and drew Harry up with him. Harry immediately fell into his arms, flopping against his body. Draco chewed the inside of his cheek as he felt a surge of tenderness grip him. He rocked Harry gently and could feel Harry's breath tickle his neck.
'Hey,' Draco said softly,' when you go back to your room, go straight to sleep ok? No hanging about.'
'Yup,' Harry replied back drowsily and Draco kissed his head.
Harry tilted his head up, his eyes closed, 'kiss?' he said and puckered his lips into a small pout.
Draco's heart scrambled for safety as he felt himself turn to jelly.
' How could I refuse a request like that?' he somehow managed to say.
He kissed Harry gently and hugged him tight before moving back. Harry opened his eyes and smiled. He looked away and picked up Harry's glasses, handing them over.
'Oh,' Harry put them on and Draco took out his wand and put out the lights. He took Harry's hand and opened the door.
'Go on,' he whispered to him, kissing his hand.
Harry brushed his lips again and walked down the corridor. Draco watched his retreating back and felt like his heart had been thrown in wet cement, dried and then put back in his chest again. It felt so heavy. It was crushing his lungs.
This was the right thing to do, for the both of them. His parents came first. He hung his head and stared unseeingly at the floor.
Tomorrow, I'll do it tomorrow…….
I will…………
I will.