I hope you enjoy reading or not as in most cases I'm sure it will be *sigh*. But at least at long last you have new material to read. That has to be a bonus right?
I'm almost 100% sure that all the reviews for that notey thing I have replaced will get erased, but I have all your comments tucked away safely in my email box so that's good. Feel free to say whatever you feel like about this next instalment. I'm just grateful that you have taken the time to read it at all – it must have taken a while huh?
First before I continue I want to thank lots of nice people:
Godlovesme, Lanevaly, Winter De Salis, Elani Chaice, krissy, shaya, First Time Slash Reader, Hermione C, Katie, Jolene, BoyWonderKevinK, coriander, chocs, Shadowcat, Dragenphly, michael16119.
Malfoy Snogger- I always love reading all your comments :o)
eclecticity/Vampie(?) – ( ref to chap one) u r right, where did that line go??? Well it seems to have appeared right back where it started – just for you *grin*.
Thank you to all my previous readers, it means a lot to me that you waded through all those chapters again. You have as always been very kind.
And I sincerely want to say how much I appreciate all those readers who put me on their favourites list. My little story and I thank you very much
*blush- little wave*
okie dokie Chappie 14 – finally – it's a lot of words – trust me, I typed it *smile *
*******
As soon as Draco had woken up on Friday morning, his stomach felt as if it were tied in a large group of knots. He had promised himself last night, that he would do it today. No escaping. Today was finally here.
But he couldn't face doing it in the morning before breakfast. He would do it later – after classes finished. That would be easier. Better.
He didn't turn up to meet Harry as he normally did in the mornings. How could he face him when he knew that only in a few hours he was going to end whatever had been going on in between them. So he got dressed and instead went straight to breakfast. He knew he couldn't avoid Harry all day again and he wasn't going to – exactly.
He smiled furtively at the black-haired boy, as he came into the Great Hall and Harry had nodded discreetly. He didn't want Harry getting suspicious and waiting for him at the stairs again – Draco was going to do this when he was ready. He wanted to feel that he had some control over that at least – as he didn't seem to have control over much else.
The lessons during the first half of the day were pure torment and he hadn't made a single note during the last class before lunch. He wasn't able to think about anything else other than what he was intending to do. He also had to get a message to Harry somehow, so that they could meet up later on. He went to the Owlery and scribbled a quick note and got his owl to deliver it.
Lunch again, and Draco smiled inconspicuously. Sure enough his owl delivered his short letter and Harry had let his eyes linger momentarily on Draco's face before moving them away casually.
As the afternoon lessons drew to a close, he felt nauseous. It felt like he were about to take a really important, extremely hard exam, and knowing that it would end badly no matter what. It was going to be a failing grade despite everything and anything – yet still having the anguish of actually having to sit for the paper and complete it.
He walked steadily back to his dorm, ignoring the noise and the bustle around him. He put his bag and his books away methodically and sat on his bed for a minute. Just get it over and done with! What was the big deal?
He got up and looked at his reflection in the mirror that hung above his cabinet. He looked all edgy and strange. He tried to take a few calming breaths. He was feeling nervous and jittery. Why? His body was obviously not agreeing with what his mind was setting out to do.
Mind over matter.
He took another deep breath and went into the common room.
'Draco! The Weird Sisters are having a concert in Edinburgh. It's after the exams, we should all go!'
Blaise came up to him excitedly and he nodded, ' maybe.'
'Where are you going?' she asked as he walked towards the entrance.
' Get some study notes,' he said. Ick…now he was explaining himself to Blaise? He was definitely losing his touch.
He walked out into the corridor and made his way through the passages and up into the Entrance Hall. His stomach contracted painfully and he couldn't tell whether he was feeling sick or hungry – both probably, or neither.
He slowly climbed to the sixth floor. His feet dragged heavily and a part of him was hoping that the climb would never finish. But of course it did, quicker than expected.
He gulped a few times as he walked down the passage and then stood for a moment eyeing the door. He put his hand on the doorknob and took another deep breath. What was with the air today? He could hardly breathe, it was stifling.
He pushed the door open and saw that Harry was already there. He was looking out of the window as he so often did. Draco froze. He was seriously considering just turning around and walking back out. He felt like he was wheezing and his heart was pounding painfully.
'Hello stranger,' Harry said turning around.
Draco gave him a tight smile and quickly walked into the room, shutting the door behind him.
' Sending notes now are we?' Harry smiled.
Draco suddenly froze and stared intently at Harry's face.
'What?' Harry asked smiling again.
' I never noticed you had a dimple,' he whispered.
'Do I?' Harry shrugged like it was no big deal.
But it was a big deal, it was a huge deal.
Draco felt stricken. How could he have not noticed all this time that Harry had a dimple in his left cheek? It was so adorable, and right there. There it was. What other details about Harry's face had Draco not noticed? There was so much that he hadn't yet discovered….
I'll never get the chance to now he thought. He swallowed hard and promptly gathered Harry in his arms, burying his face into Harry's neck. He felt Harry enfold him – holding him close.
Fuck it Draco, you have to do this now! Oh god.
He felt dizzy. Wait, one moment………….
I need to hold on, just need time. I want to remember that's all.
He lifted his head and slowly pressed his lips on Harry's. He didn't kiss him – just breathed him in for a long moment quietly. Just feeling and not moving. Just having one transient moment of pure suspension. Numbing all his thoughts and feelings to nothing except the feel and touch of having Harry's mouth against his. Just hearing and tasting the quiet breath of Harry, which slowly sifted through the invisible molecules around them and then pressed silently onto Draco's lips.
Gradually he started to trace the beautiful mouth with his own. Slowly at first, with short, fine brushes. Harry sighed pleasurably as Draco cradled his head in his hands, deepening their kiss. Their lips opened together, breathing inside one another mouths. Draco flicked his tongue out, licking Harry's lips before diving in and skating across his tongue. He felt a moan escape from him as Harry seized him closer and pushed his own tongue into Draco's mouth.
Just want to remember the last time.
Their kisses grew more and more passionate, gathering in force. Draco could feel the ache in his chest beginning to hurt terribly, as he desperately clutched at Harry.
'How do you do this?' Harry gasped, pulling back slightly. 'My legs feel all wobbly,' he said looking flushed, his eyes sparkling.
Draco gently pushed him against the wall covering his body with his own.
' I feel the same – every time,' Draco murmured softly.
He locked his lips with Harry's once again, running his hands feverishly over Harry's chest.
'Draco…….' Harry moaned and Draco closed his eyes tightly. He pressed into Harry, giving him the most ravenous kiss of his life.
Our last kisses.
He kissed Harry with everything that he felt, all the words he had never dared to speak, and every emotion he had ever felt for him.
Everything.
Harry gasped at the force and pressure of Draco's lips. Draco pressed a flurry of short kisses on Harry's mouth and Harry groaned softly. Draco trailed his lips across Harry's face, down his neck and then back up, all the while running his hands up and down Harry's torso. He felt as if he was on fire, his skin was burning and he coupled his lips with Harry's again and again. He grasped Harry's body against his, aligning it perfectly with his own. He wanted to feel the entire length of Harry pressed into him. Every contour and every line. Burn his outline into his body as well as in his mind.
He wanted to swallow in and consume as many kisses as he could - so that he had something to cling onto. Let Harry breathe into him, so that his breath filled up his entire body leaving no room for anything else. Have Harry's breath seep into his veins and soak into and permeate all that was hidden by his outer casing. Have a segment of Harry's essence inside of him finally.
I have Harry's breath inside of me, he thought mistily. And he can't take that back-plus breath is invisible, no one will know I have it.
Breath was essential to you being alive also…. Draco was feeling a little hysterical and crazy and it was scaring him.
He ran his fingers through Harry's hair, pulling gently at the soft strands. He kissed him like a man possessed. As if his lips were trying to cover Harry's whole face at once. His cheeks; nose, forehead, lips. His ears, his jaw line, his neck. Draco held his hands firmly in his and kissed each of his fingers, his palms. Harry was almost struggling to breathe, whereas it seemed that Draco didn't need to breathe at all. He was of course sucking the hot air right out of Harry's mouth.
He submersed Harry with kisses and faintly heard him say,' Draco…….' again.
I want to remember, I have to.
Nothing had ever felt as good as holding and kissing Harry. Nothing on this earth was as sweet as having Harry in his arms. The way Harry looked at him, the way he smiled. He wanted to engrave everything he had learnt thus far and felt about this beautiful boy into his head, so that it could be etched there forever in his memory.
Harry's skin was so soft; it smelt so nice. His neck was so warm; always so warm - it felt so divine to press his cheek against it, feel the heat against his face.
Like I'm doing now, and I'll remember..
Harry breathlessly clasped Draco, as their lips burned and smouldered together. Draco placed a small kiss on Harry's lips and leaned in, catching his breath back. Breathe. I need to keep breathing and I'll get through this he thought.
He nuzzled his face deep into Harry's hair, and listened to Harry's soft gasps even back into a normal rhythm. He cradled him in his embrace, as if he were holding and protecting a small child against his chest, and pressed one last soft kiss on the top of his head.
'It's over Harry.'
Harry's head was resting comfortably on Draco and he lifted it lazily, looking up into Draco's eyes.
'What's over?' He said, obviously not registering Draco's words at first.
'Us, we are over,' Draco repeated brutally in one quick breath. 'Finished. I don't want to carry on any more.'
Harry leaned back, his eyes suddenly going dark and his smile replaced by a stunned and horrified expression.
'What? What are you talking about?' He looked completely baffled.
'You and me. Over.' Draco looked into Harry's eyes, willing himself not to fall to bits.
'Are you serious?' Harry looked down at their arms that were still entangled together.
'I don't understand…I don't get it. You're still holding me,' he shook his head.
Draco let go of him immediately, as if he were scalded and dropped his arms moving back.
'I just think it's for the best that we end it here. That's all.'
He was saying it calmly and in such a matter of fact tone that it seemed to startle Harry all the more.
Harry shook his head again as if trying to make sense of what was being said to him.
' I don't understand. Has someone found out? Has someone said something to you?'
He looked knocked for six and watched as Draco moved even further away from him.
'No,' Draco swallowed, his throat feeling agonizingly dry. 'No one has found out and nor are they going to.'
Quickly, quickly…..end…'I don't get it,' Harry could barely stammer out the words. 'You were just…….you were just kissing me like there was no tomorrow.'
A long pause. 'Oh my god..…'
The realisation bled into Harry's eyes and over his face and Draco had to look away.
'How could you?' Harry said in a hoarse whisper.
Draco exhaled loudly, ' this HAS to end here. Realistically this can't carry on.'
He glimpsed at Harry's face and flinched involuntarily. Harry's eyes were looking fierce and unmoving in the their stare.
'Who says?' he asked brusquely.
Draco could feel the prickles of exasperation starting to grow. 'What are you on?! Of course it can't!'
Harry's brows gathered together and his face softened, his expression beckoning Draco, 'but we've only just begun. There's so much more, I mean we could…'
Draco shook his head cutting him off. He knew there was so much more but it couldn't happen.
'That's your problem right there!' he yelled instead. 'You just assume all the time! I wonder if we could, maybe, this, that,' he cruelly mimicked Harry's voice. ' You've never asked me once if I even want to be doing anything with you at all! You just go off into your little daydream.'
Harry's mouth was open and he looked so hurt. Draco felt a wave of shame pour into him but made sure his face did not show any signs of it. Harry's assuming had made him uncomfortable.
'Ask you? Ask you what?' Harry said looking alarmed. ' If I'm allowed to speculate about what we could do in the future? I should have discussed with you at the beginning about what I can or cannot say? What on earth are you talking about?'
Draco stayed silent and Harry continued.
'I can't believe that you really can be that petty.' His voice was bitter.
'Petty?' Draco said,' you think I'm petty?'
Harry looked on at him amazed. ' Of course you are. Listen to yourself. That is one of the most ridiculous comments I have ever heard in my entire life.'
'Well screw you,' Draco snarled,' I don't care what you think. You think that you're so above everyone else, looking down at everybody.' The anger and resentment was definitely building up inside of him.
' I have never thought that!' Harry was staring at him as if he couldn't believe that Draco was still the same person. 'What the hell is wrong with you?'
' I just want all this over ok?' He ground out heatedly.
' Wow, your break up strategy leaves a lot to be desired.' Harry watched him carefully and Draco held his head up higher. ' For crying out loud Draco, I care about you. You care about me,' he ended softly.
Draco averted his eyes as he spoke the next words,' you care more about me Harry than I do for you.'
Harry's face fell and he looked devastated, 'you're lying.'
'I know what I feel!' Draco shot out, trying not to feel anything right now. He couldn't afford to.
From Harry's expression it seemed as if he wanted to cry, or scream, or throw Draco out of the window. But instead he stood very still with an ashen face.
'Right, so you thought you'd come for one final make out session and then end it?' Harry said in an incredulous voice.
' I don't want any drama ok?' Draco took in a long breath, 'it's finished. It's over. Deal with it.'
Harry let out an appalled gasp, 'Oh my god! I'm sorry', he said coming closer to Draco, his eyes crackling now and spitting out green venom. 'Am I getting too emotional for you?'
His eyes hardened and he looked at Draco angrily, the strength of his emotion showing clearly on his face now. Draco couldn't bear to see the acrimony emitting from Harry's glare and steadfastly forced himself to return Harry's gaze with cold detached eyes.
'Did you actually think that you would just come along, kiss me and then say ''oh by the way- it's over'' and expect me to what?' he stopped and Draco said nothing.
' Say all right Draco? That's fine.' He shook his head in disgust,' sorry, should I be saving you from any discomfort of breaking up with ME?'
Draco let out an irritated sigh,' Harry, ……... it's over. Let it be.'
Harry stared at him perplexedly and his eyes fell to the floor for a moment.
'If something has happened or you've been having thoughts, just tell me, we can talk about it…'
'I don't want to talk!!!' Draco yelled,' I don't want a discussion about this!'
He wanted this over with and get out, it had gone on for long enough.
Harry bristled again, 'so you're just going to break up with me and offer no explanation?' he said furiously.
' We're not breaking up…we were never…'
Harry looked at him so sharply that his gaze could have cut through glass. Draco stopped in mid sentence,' don't you dare,' he said in a dangerously low voice. 'Don't. You. Dare, say what I think you're going to say. I swear…. '
Draco licked his lips, 'just move on ok?' His heart was thrashing wildly in his chest and he felt so surreal yet continued to speak. 'I mean seriously Harry. Did you think we had a future? You think you could have told people about us?' he looked enquiringly into the fiery face in front of him.
Harry raked his eyes over Draco,' wait - is this what it's about?' He said confused. 'My not telling people? Because I will right now. I can do that. I'm not ashamed of you…..' he began in a hurry.
'NO,' Draco shouted, interrupting, ' I don't want you to tell people about us!!! I don't want anyone to know. Are you mad?' he said. There was no way in hell he wanted people to find out.
Harry glared at him grimly, and Draco turned around pacing up and down the room agitated.
He stopped then in front of Harry and said in a tetchy voice, ' I didn't come for an interrogation.'
' Screw you,' Harry blazed, 'you don't think you owe me this much? You decide it's over and that's it? End of? I know that this whole situation isn't exactly simple but if we want, we can try and work through it somehow. You're frightened, that's ok just tell me.'
Draco felt the mounting hysteria intensify in his body and he ignited,' I'm not frightened for fucks sake!! I just want it OVER, ' he stressed. 'Why aren't you taking the bloody hint?!'
'Because dammit!!!! I care about you,' Harry cried out, 'and I thought you cared about me!!! Don't deny it Draco. I know you do. The way you hold me, the way you kiss me. All the time we've spent together. Don't lie to my face and tell me you don't! Admit it?' his eyes gripped Draco's furiously as he waited for an answer. 'You can't can you? You're scared of saying you care about me!'
' I'm not scared!!! I don't care all right?' Draco was practically screaming in Harry's face now, and this was so not good. He hadn't wanted it to be like this at all. He was losing control badly, and he had wanted to remain calm and collected.
'Bullshit!' Harry shot back.
'Shut up!' Draco said hoarsely, 'everything is so bloody easy for you. But you just don't understand. You just don't get it.' Six years of bitter thoughts were now starting to overspill.
Harry looked on shocked,' easy for me?' he asked in disbelief. 'In what sense is this easier for me than it is for you? Yeah this is all so bloody peachy keen for me.'
'You're so fucking frustrating!!! It's always about you all the time!!! And it makes me sick!!! You, you, you. The centre of the fucking universe always has to be YOU,' Draco flared up.
'What the hell does that mean?' Harry spat out.
' It means', Draco yelled,' for instance that you came and had a row with me because of YOUR shitty, hideous friends. And then, you took it for granted that I be all nice because of us. And it pisses me off so much. I hate Weasley, him and Granger. If I could obliterate the both of them it wouldn't be a loss to mankind!! But Nooooo. You had a problem and got all sanctimonious because you didn't like ME saying what I think about YOUR fucking friends. I hate them all and what I hate more is that you somehow think that you have changed me, you've tamed me. I haven't changed Harry. I'm still me. The only thing I did for you is to show some self-restraint.
Weasley still makes me want to vomit till I pass out, but I tried to hold my tongue for YOU. And you didn't even notice and if you had, then it's like you expected it because of course I'M in the wrong so I SHOULD be the one to tone it down. And that fucks me off SO MUCH! What have you had to alter about yourself for me? Nothing that's what! Everything you do is so bloody brilliant isn't it? The poster boy for Gryffindor! The Wizarding world for two seconds thinks you're a lunatic and then you save the day again and get all the pats on the back like the good boy you are. Every year you're the talk of the school and you always come off like some smug little fucker. ''Oh look at the silent hero who holds the weight of the world on his shoulders''. And you love it, you bask in your arrogance.'
He was shouting, and the blood pounded through his body. His heart was beating at high-speed and he felt himself unthread into strings of frazzled tension.
'You're wrong,' Harry said in a splintered voice. He looked so shocked at the barrage of words that had come out of Draco's mouth.
Draco grimaced, 'you don't get the half of it. And I just can't stand how you think this is all so easy when it isn't at all.'
'I don't for Gods sake!' Harry said loudly. 'I don't think it's EASY. Seriously – what are you talking about? What am I thinking is possibly EASY in all this? What? You think that I can go up to people and tell them about you just like that? You think I'm that retarded to think that people will accept us with open arms? No I don't! BUT you know what? I'm not frightened to tell them either Draco because I will. But ok I am delaying it. Why? Because I want to enjoy what we have right now. I don't want to lose you for other people and their opinions. What we have - it's been so amazing. I don't want to be upset over this, or anyone upsetting you. I really would like this to work, you're important to me…'
His end words held a pleading note and Draco felt distressed and overwrought. He couldn't deal with being important to Harry.
'I don't need you doing me a favour and tell people because you think you're being a martyr.'
Harry looked sickened and shook his head,' what is it with you? What am I being a martyr about?'
They stopped then in the middle of the room. Their anger fuelled gazes pausing their words for a moment.
Harry ran his hand over his mouth, 'tell me one of the things that are bothering you. Is it because I'm a guy? You're scared to tell people that you're gay? Bisexual?' he paused again but Draco did not fill in the gap.
'I can understand how you feel, but we'd be going through the same thing. You're not alone.'
'SHUT UP!' Draco raged. 'It's not about being gay, or bisexual!!! I'm not having gay issues! I'm not worried about my coming-out speech. This isn't about my sexuality. Yes my parents won't have a field day about it, but it's not that - it's you. This is all about YOU.'
Harry gave him a scornful glance, 'and here I thought when someone broke up with you, they say '' this is not about you, it's about me''. Christ Draco, I can't help who I am. I know the baggage that is coming with the both of us but we can talk about it. If I'm willing to accept you, why can't you do the same for me?'
' Because I don't want to accept you. I don't want to be Harry Potter's boyfriend!'
Harry drew in shakily, ' I could say the same thing about you! If you were Joe Average Draco, then it wouldn't be as complicated either, but you're not. You're Draco Malfoy, but I wouldn't mind being your boyfriend! What makes you better than me? If I can be Draco Malfoy's boyfriend why can't you be mine? I'd be proud to be with you, because it's you. I'd be with you, because I care more for you than what your name stands for.'
'That's different!'
'Why? Why is it different?'
' Because you're fucking Harry Potter that's why!''Then that's your problem isn't it?!' Harry's cheeks now looked red with fury, 'you're the one putting me on a higher rating than yourself not me! This is about YOUR INSECURITIES not mine! You feeling inferior and substandard is no doing of mine, that's your fault NOT mine.'
' Fuck you!'
'Oh my god, ' Harry seemed to stop for air and turned his eyes away from Draco.
A lock of his hair fell across his face and Draco itched to brush it back. He closed his eyes for a second and ran his hand across the back of his neck.
' Why are you being such a schizophrenic? What was your trigger? What made you change your mind? One minute you're all kissy and cuddly and now you revert back to being Malfoy again?'
'I am always and always will be a Malfoy Harry.'
Harry's throat was working furiously as he stared at Draco dully.
'You're right Draco. You are a Malfoy. How could I have forgotten? It doesn't matter that you and I have hated each other for years and now I can't stop thinking about you. It doesn't matter that you have insulted my friends and I for years, and what they will say when they find out. And yes it doesn't matter to me that your father is Lucius Malfoy.'
'You leave my father out of this,' Draco seethed. ' It's because of you that he is in jail!' he exploded.
Harry gave a hollow laugh,' believe me Draco, he did that all by himself.'
Draco suddenly rushed forward with his hand raised and Harry looked at him,' you want to hit me Draco? Go ahead.'
Draco gulped and lowered his hand and stepped back quickly. Oh dear lord, this was so bad.
He knew his father would come into play. How could it not?
'I don't know how much you know about your fathers arrest Draco, and I'm certainly not going to be the one to tell you either. But if I can be with you knowing all I do of your father, I think that speaks a lot of about how much I don't care about your surname. I guess it's just you who can't get over my name,' Harry said. ' Say it Draco, bleat it. I'm a Malfoy, and being with me is so heinous a crime that you want none of it anymore,' Harry eyes glittered and he gave a sardonic smile as he continued, ' cos what will dear daddy say.'
'You little fucker!' Draco seethed.
Harry cringed.
'You're right. I am a Malfoy and I am proud of being a Malfoy. And yes of course what will my parents say, cos you know what Harry? You'll never know what it's like to have parents and have parents expectations.'
'Because I don't have parents?' Harry said fiercely, ' I can't understand the enormous value that is placed on being a Malfoy, because I DON'T HAVE PARENTS? What is it about being a Malfoy that's so great Draco? Tell me!' he fumed. 'Cos I want to know what you think is so worth it, that you are willing to just throw away what we have! What is it ?! Come on lets do a scoring system – I'll tally it up afterwards and tell you if it's worth it, go on,' he taunted.
'Shut up,' Draco said coldly.
Harry leaned against the wall, with his arms crossed, ' I'll tell you shall I?' he said softly. ' You're an old Pureblood Wizarding family who have lots of money and a large estate. But where did that get your father Draco? Where does it ever get people like that?'
'I'm warning you Harry, shut your fucking mouth. You know nothing about my life or my parents. My Father is a great man,' Harry snorted disrespectfully and the expression on his face was infuriating as Draco continued,' and I won't listen to you criticise him! And I'd be bloody ashamed to tell my father about you. My being with you is nothing to be proud of at all.'
Harry pressed his lips thinly at first before he opened his mouth again,' you're so deluded Draco, I almost pity you. What fantasy world are you living in?' He made a derisive sound before continuing. 'So no I guess, being with me is nothing to be proud of but supporting people like Umbridge last year is? You enjoy supporting twisted people?'
Draco blinked at Harry's goading expression. It seemed as if Draco was not the only one to remember all their skirmishes throughout their school years. No he wasn't proud of supporting bloody Umbridge. She had turned out to be a nutter and again Draco felt the heat of shame rush over him. And he hated that. He hated to feel small and foolish and know that his choice in that particular fragment of his life had been a wrong one. And he despised the fact that Harry had come out of that event smelling of roses while Umbridge had run away from school with her tail between her legs and his father had ended up behind bars. It was all so unfair and he couldn't let that go.
And Draco felt furious. All the images and scenes of where Harry had humiliated him in the past flickered through his mind.
'It's funny,' he spat out,' that you think that you are always the victim in everything. That it's you who is always doing the suffering. And people think that you are some kind of wonderful gracious saviour when really how many times have you been the submissive one when we have confronted each other? You're not some fucking helpless twat, but you have all these idiots rallying around you all the time. You don't have a clue what it's like to be anyone else but yourself and you feel so superior cos you keep getting lucky. That's all. And you're so self-centred it's unbelievable. You have no idea what it is like to be me.'
'Why don't you tell me then? Why don't you tell me what life is like for you. ' Harry said irritatingly calmly.
'Cos Potter, your little hero complex doesn't allow for it.'
Harry winced at his last sentence and Draco felt a kick out of seeing Harry being affected by his words.
'And a lot you'd know about that Draco, I don't think. It's odd that you say my name like it's something dirty, something to be trod on but I'm proud of being a Potter. Maybe there are a lot of things in my life that I have to be ashamed about but my name is not one of them.' Harry's eyes reflected his defiance and his voice was level and hard.
Draco swallowed bitterly,' yeah cos being a Potter is so friggin wonderful.'
'Yeah it is, perhaps nearly as friggin wonderful as being a Malfoy,' Harry flung back in his face.
Draco let out a long breath and pushed back his hair exasperatedly. 'Lets just get this over with all right? And go off our separate ways.'
Harry's eyes that had for so long glared at him, now dropped to the floor once more. He looked up after a few moments and Draco felt his head ache as he watched Harry holding himself up stiffly. He was desperately trying to keep his emotions in check; Draco could tell.
' I guess its stupid isn't it? To think that life would be that kind? It's naïve to think that joy can last, even for a moment. It never does. Never.'
Harry's voice started to shake and Draco felt his heart clench in an excruciating grip.
' I know that I don't know what it is like to be you Draco, but you have no idea, no clue as to what it is like to be me either. I'm sorry if my being me has been the end of us, but I don't have a choice about who I am just like you.'
He paused and Draco pressed his fist against his own mouth to prevent himself from speaking.
'If this is going to be over then please don't act like you don't care Draco.' Harry sounded tired and sad. Draco bit his lip. 'Admit that you care at least, but your situation is too much more of a big deal than us. At least then I'd know that you're being honest.'
'I've never been honest to you Harry,' it slipped out unthinkingly, he hadn't really meant to say that, but Harry looked taken aback like the words had hit him in the face and were starting to sink in.
'What does that mean?'
Draco thought hastily,' I mean that…' what should he mean? He couldn't even think straight.
'I mean that all this…'he motioned his hands to Harry and himself and then sighed,' it wasn't what you thought it was.'
Over, end now….
Harry looked confused,' what?'
'You and me, right from the start it was never meant to carry on this far. I guess I let it carry on for too long.'
Nothing was making sense to him, what he was saying wasn't making sense but for some reason Harry again looked like he was having another realisation dawn on him.
'Has all this been a joke?' Harry could hardly get the words out and Draco started.
'Not exactly a joke, more of,' the words were now making themselves up as they tumbled out of his mouth, 'seeing how far I could get with you. '
He scrambled for his next words and watched Harry stare at him with a shocked expression on his face.
'Draco my god, is this about your father? ' Harry's face drained of colour,' is this how you thought you'd get your own back at me? Make me want you and fall for you and then dump me? This was all an act so you could have a laugh with all your friends afterwards?'
Draco went along with the words that Harry had put in his mouth.
'Yes.' He tried to act lofty and kept his face neutral in spite of the collapsing feeling of his heart puncturing inside of him. Harry had fallen for him? He's fallen for me, but this was certainly not the time to revel in that piece of information. He had known how Harry had felt about him but Harry had never said those words aloud to him before. He was important to Harry, Harry cared for him and now Draco had spun a wonderful yarn to end it all.
Harry shook his head,' it can't be, you….'
He desperately looked towards Draco for some kind of reassurance and Draco kept a pitiless expression firmly in place. This was good in fact. Let Harry think that all this had been some twisted revenge on his part. It made much more sense that way. Their whole relationship was now being seen in a new light that favoured Draco's position greatly. It was highly fitting right? Went along perfectly with his Malfoy and Slytherin persona. It added credibility to his name didn't it, to his beliefs? An extremely plausible reason for getting involved with Harry in the first place because why else would he?
There was no shame in fooling around with Potter to get the better of him. And Draco was big enough to realise that this new revelation would actually be easier on Harry. At least Draco wouldn't have to worry about Harry waiting around for him to change his mind or anything. He could go back to being that snapping, angry Potter that had evolved rapidly last year.
Harry seemed lost for words and Draco prayed to remain cool and aloof.
'You're lying aren't you?' Harry spoke so quietly that Draco could hardly hear him. ' But I mean, I kissed you first and then you found me and it….' he stopped and his eyes were so bright as they glimmered painfully at Draco.
'Yeah you kissed me and it pissed me off that you dared to,' at least that part was true. ' So I found you and well the rest followed. But I really think it's time that it ended. It just doesn't amuse me so much anymore and I got what I wanted.'
' You unimaginable bastard,' Harry whispered looking staggered.
Draco cringed and took in a sharp breath. Harry hardly ever swore. It sounded so foreign coming out of Harry's mouth. He felt his stomach plunge sickly. He rubbed his eyes and saw Harry move away from the wall. The hurt and strain in the air around them was so palpable that it felt like something solid was pressing down upon Draco. He felt like he was buckling under the weight of it.
'You're a coward; it's as simple as that. A rotten coward,' Harry spoke in broken clips and he looked drained and depressed and so defeated. It was horribly unnerving to see Harry like that.
Draco felt shattered by all that had gone on in the room since he had walked in.
'Well at least you have been honest now,' Harry sounded like he was choking on his words and Draco swallowed frantically, his eyes blurring.
' It's probably a good thing that I didn't beg you to stay with me. I would never have forced you to be with me, if you didn't want to,' the expression on Harry's face was heart breaking. His words lingered in the air, encircling Draco.
Draco remained silent; he couldn't form any words right now. His feet felt glued to the floor and his throat was hurting something awful.
'I guess it doesn't matter now. Now that I know the truth as to why you even stayed with me for as long as you did. Now that I know that you didn't care at all….' his voice trailed off till it barely left a shadow.
Draco met his eyes and he stifled a gasp. Harry's eyes were looking at him beseechingly, as if they were silently imploring Draco to disagree with the words that were just spoken. As if they wanted Draco to say that he had cared, that all this was the lie and not their time spent together.
And for one insane, wonderful moment Draco felt like saying exactly that…..
But then he clenched his jaw and willed his eyes and voice not to trickle out any emotion.
'You're right Harry, I never cared at all. And it would be foolish for you to think otherwise.'
'So…' Harry began and Draco snapped off of the end of his rope. All the hurt, upset and anger sprang forth and Draco let it all out in a blitz of fury.
'JUST STOP ALL RIGHT? JUST FUCKING STOP. YOU CAN'T BE THAT BLOODY DENSE! YOU THINK THAT YOUR'E SO FUCKING GREAT THAT YOU CAN'T COMPREHEND HOW I CANNOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU?! I DON'T CARE OK? DO YOU HEAR ME?'
Harry's eyes that had glowed so brightly before, now seemed to have taken on that haunting, dark look once again. Draco dropped his head in despair. Oh god that look on Harry's face……….
Harry nodded curtly and moved to the door. ' Ok, I hear you,' and with those small four words he walked out, the door snapping shut behind him.
It had taken him merely seconds to walk out of the room and he was gone – just like that. In a blink of an eye Harry had disappeared. One minute he was here and they were fighting and the next moment he wasn't and they weren't.
Draco was trembling with emotion. His hands and legs were shaking so badly and the lump in his throat was begging for a release as he angrily scratched at his eyes again. He was alone, so quickly – just like that. Harry was gone.
The room that had been filled moments earlier with so much anger and passion was now suddenly cold and empty, and Draco Malfoy was left standing in the middle of it – all alone.
But it was over, it was done.
For the best.