I am guessing that if you have reached all the way to chapter 16, then you know that this is a Harry and Draco fic and there is no point in my elaborating any further.

Disclaimer: Miss Rowling owns all the pretty rights to Harry Potter.

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Hi! I know I shouldn't delay you here but I always feel so grateful whenever anyone reads my story that you know I have to thank you all.

First and foremost – Rarity88. I loved all your comments on the chapters as you were reading them through. You made me smile, thank you – it was nice. I am glad that you seemed to like them and I hope you were not too disgruntled having spent so long reading it all! I apologise for any neck strain.

Malfoy Snogger – Hey I thought you could handle anything I throw at you? : Suicide attempts, cutting, evil revenge… *grin *

Hermione Cosplayer – Thank you for your review – you were very kind.

Thanks to:

KideachytaLL, ice pink candy, care, NayNymic, rsweetie4evr, Rayne-Jelly, Flying Monkey Queen, coriander, Purple Neko02, Sae Matsumoto, Jenn, Kassy, Hidaka Akiko, Maki, eclecticity, scarletangel1, hypergurl20022.

Laura/Shaya – Thank you and now you have two more chapters!

the crazy ladies – oopps will I end up looking like Mad-Eye?

write-me – yes I do live in England and we also had book 5 come out in June. You are witnessing a slight revamp unravel right before your very eyes! This used to be a fifth year fic…. *mmm nods * Thanks for your review.

Shinny – what kind words - Thank you for reading all that I type!

To Shinny and everyone really – I'm well aware that there are many other stories on this site that have a lot more reviews than mine at this point. Quite probably my story does not appeal to a lot of people. Perhaps it does get lost in the index with an unassuming summary – but honestly that's all I wanted to write for it. I know that a lot of the readers who started out reading my fic – no longer wish to read it. I assume because it no longer interests them. For those of you who started out reading it from the beginning and stuck with it while it went through its transition – it makes your reviews all the more special. I am touched that you continue to keep with it, while obviously reading so many other stories at the same time.

Again, many upon many fics on this site are a lot better written than mine is.

It is very likely that sometimes people begin to read my story and think ''Oh my, how boring – another H/D fic, what a pile of drivel''. Maybe they even read it all the way and feel cheated because they hated it so much and are disgusted that they spent time over it.  * smile * Possibly many are put off by my character portrayals and did not, or do not agree with how I am developing the story and yes I'm female trying to write guys!  *grin *

If people want to take a chance and click on my fic and read it – then I'm very grateful. I appreciate that this is everyone's personal time and they will read whatever takes their fancy. They will comment if they wish to and not if they don't. And that is fine. They may even tell me that it sucks and that would be their prerogative.

There are a lot of reasons why people don't review. Though I do appreciate your sentiment, I don't feel that I should have more or less reviews.

For all the reviews I get- my story and I are very grateful to you all. I am very content and feel quite touched that you bother to do so.

My greatest reward has to have been how much fun I've had in writing this story and sharing it with those of you who read it. Some of you will like it and some of you will loathe it but I like my little fic and do feel proud of it. I really wouldn't dare to presume for a warmer reception than I've had. I was scared and continue to be scared when posting! But I love it – and it's been great – so thank you to you all once again.

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Karina blabbing yet more– please read for two more seconds for your own sake.

These next two chapters were actually one mother long chapter – but I thought that if I presented one block to you all of such length, I might be incurring your boredom – so I split them into two – it looks less that way! I am sorry if you find any of it boring, truly I am but it was the next logical instalment for me so…

I'm not very objective when it comes to my own writing! No editing ability at all I am afraid to say- though I do try honestly. The words spill from my head and out of my fingers – and I type till they all come out. Ho hum – make what you will of them…. (:o/

Chapter Sixteen

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But if Draco had slept at all, it didn't feel like it. He had been tossing and turning all night. His eyes were sometimes wide open and then sometimes horribly aware that they were closed. He could not get into a comfortable position. He always seemed so conscious that he was either lying on his left side, so then he would shift and lie on his right. The pillow felt too lumpy, the pillow was too flat. The pillow was too high. He was too hot; he was too cold, the mattress too hard.

And the hours had passed somehow - fitfully.

It was soon to be morning he supposed, though the room was still dark and he couldn't be quite sure. He lifted the curtains back a bit and glanced at the window. It was coming up to daybreak it seemed.

His eyes felt grainy and stung, and his head was pounding painfully. He felt lethargic and his body was protesting as it does when it feels it hasn't been rested properly. He tried to close his eyes again and go back to sleep but they now refused to.

Why was he feeling so dreadful? What had happened?

And suddenly as if drenched with a generous dose of icy cold realisation he remembered.

Harry.

Harry.

The fight yesterday afternoon…..

Draco felt a sharp feeling of alarm take hold of his body.

Oh no….

He broke out in a cold sweat and it became all too clear. Horrifyingly clear with acute awareness. He had made a horrible, horrible, terrible mistake. His heart split open with panic.

What had he done? He'd lost Harry.

All that shouting and Harry's face………..

He had really gone and done it hadn't he? Oh my god….His breath lodged in his throat and he lay still as his heart clenched painfully.

He recalled standing in the room in the aftermath of the argument. How frightful he had felt and now felt again with renewed force. It was extremely obvious to him now in his waking moments that he couldn't have made a worse decision. It had felt wrong doing it, he had felt wrong for the rest of the day yesterday and now he had woken up and everything still felt wrong. And now he knew why.

How could he have yelled and shouted at Harry like that? How could he have done that to him? It was amazing to think that all week he had been having thoughts about finishing it with Harry and Thursday night he had lay awake for hours going over his decision. He had been convinced at that point, that he was doing it for the multitude of reasons that had plagued his mind constantly beforehand. And now after having done it – he had been wrong. How was that possible? What a sickening feeling.

He had told Harry that he didn't care- but I do care, I care so much… and yet yesterday he had let Harry think he didn't. Why would you do that? How can you be so stupid? So fucking insensitive?

I can't lose him, Draco thought utterly dismayed.

His perfect justifications had now left an empty pot, all but with one exception of a tiny kernel. He had deliberately yet still unknowingly kept it back. He had probably chosen to ignore its existence all together. Having preferred to smother it in all the rubble at first and then pushing it away so deep that it couldn't have even yelped out if it had tried.

But now in all the emptiness he could clearly hear it and feel it. 

You were scared of it, you repugnant git. And he was quite right.

His withdrawal from the relationship had partly been because he was scared. Pathetic admission from a seventeen-year-old boy, he thought ruefully but true nonetheless.

Scared of these new, intense feelings that had arisen in him since he had been with Harry. Scared that they had come about for someone that he had hated for as long as he could remember. Scared of letting himself go for fear of getting ridiculed. Scared of having to think of someone else other than himself. Scared that his actions would have an affect on not only himself but also on this person that he had chosen to hold and start to care about. Scared of losing himself. Scared of uncharted territory. Scared of the new sides that Harry had drawn out of him. He hadn't even known that he could feel that way, act that way. How many layers to himself did he have that he hadn't even come across yet?

Lots of people were afraid and scared of change weren't they? Who isn't afraid of the unfamiliar? How do you go about not being afraid? That being afraid was in fact holding you back from grasping happiness in your hands - if only you just stopped being so fucking scared. 

He rolled over onto his side, his eyes wide open and staring at the curtains. He was obviously deathly ignorant when it came to his own feelings let alone anyone else's. He hadn't even stopped to ask himself why he had been feeling so bloody awful yesterday. He had thought that it was out of nervousness, which had been spurred on by the impending confrontation with Harry. He had come up with a host of ailments that could be the possible cause for his poor state before and after. Denial was not a good look on him.

Maybe I'm ill; maybe I'm hungry – maybe, maybe, maybe….

Maybe you are quite simply a dickwart? Maybe you are feeling shit because you acted like a shit?

He ran his tongue over his top lip as the single voiced conversation continued in his head. He had hurt the person who had shown him nothing but affection and tenderness over the last few weeks. And in doing so, he had hurt a part of himself that had been squirming to get out but had been overwhelmed by heavier components such as his brain.

He loathed himself. What a prat. Congratulations, you're an idiot. He had heard that enough times when applied to other people. Now it was strongly pointing towards him.

He had accused Harry of being a martyr when in fact it was he who was well on his way to martyrdom. 'I'm doing this for my parents. I'm doing this for a greater cause. My feelings don't count. Harry's feelings don't count. Look at what I am sacrificing? It's all for the best….'

Eugh.

Yes he had been doing it with the thought that it was for his parents. Because it was easier to finish it with Harry for that reason, rather than delve deeper and draw out what he did not want to deal with nor admit to anyone - especially to himself. It was better to ignore such sentiment rather than bring it out onto the surface and get deeper embroiled in the situation. It was easier to stifle such feelings, than to stand up to others and bear the consequences. It was easier to shield the warm eruptions rather than transmit them to the forefront and fight for them. It was easier to hide from yourself when it was all so confusing and wonderful and too terrible to bear.

It was easier to run. Easier to break the bridge before you even had the chance of crossing it. Easier to turn back as if you had never even been given the opportunity to cross it. Because while it looked deliciously thrilling over on the other side- what happened if the bridge crumbled underneath you as you walked over it? What if you fell midway to your doom? Yes it was all definitely easier if in fact you also ignored this bridges existence all together.

And why? In answer, because Draco Malfoy was a coward. A rotten coward. Harry had said it and it was true.

Draco sighed and pushed his hands under his pillow as he scrunched up under the sheets.

He had not wanted to bear any consequences that would have a negative affect on himself. He had been entirely selfish and would sooner squash what his heart was screaming out for, than to brave it and tell people. To let his parents carry on thinking that he was exactly the way they wanted him. To carry on letting his fellow Slytherin's think that he was exactly what they had come to expect of him. He had shunned away the part of him that had leapt up joyously at the touch of Harry. Shunned away the unfamiliar yet wonderful feelings that had burgeoned in his heart.

All because he was scared. Pitiful.

And when Harry had hit his nerve centre, Draco had pieced out clumsy, erroneous words that had not even begun to formulate in his mind – yet had spilled forth from his lips. In his confusion and upset he had flung out sentences that had majestically swept away and negated everything that had happened in between them. Furthermore, he had gone on to have the audacity to think that it would somehow be easier on Harry by saying that it had all been a façade, a cruel farce.  How in the hell did that make it easier? He was quite sure that Harry would have preferred a more sincere and heartfelt reason to end it. He mightn't have agreed with Draco, but at least could have seen that Draco was doing it for something he felt strongly about- a more worthier reason. At least then the singe of being ''dumped'' would not have hurt as much- not as much as '' seeing how far I get with you''. What an atrocious statement.

Why? Why had he done it? It was so sick, and having done it, to then proceed to kick yourself for it the next day.

He had blown up the face of their relationship by a stupid, nonsensical fib. Such as that it depicted a very different show on what Harry had thought they had been. A twisted, fake revelation that devalued and mocked everything they had created together.

Oh yes, that would have made Harry feel great about himself, a real winner- what an ego boost? NOT.

Dear lord, what had he been thinking? Or in fact not been thinking at all. Could the Confundus Charm have hit him at some point? But no, because that would excuse his behaviour where there were no excuses to be made for him. His brainlessness should be commended all back to his little self. A truly spectacular dive into shittiness.

He hadn't even meant to say those words near the end of the fight, yet they had glaringly overtook all else that had been spoken previously. Draco was quite sure that the focal point of the argument for Harry would be those very words. He would spend time going over everything and then applying those stupid words to it all.

It was all terribly tragic and idiotic on Draco's part. Of all the reasonable notes he could have ended their relationship, it had ended on such an untruth one. One that painted him as a ruthless, vindictive, scheming little bastard. And apparently he had walked away yesterday not paying that thought much heed. In fact he had thought that it had given him more credit than dishonour. Strange. Afterwards his overwhelming need to collapse and breathe and be alone had taken priority over such reflections.

But now as he lay, he realised that he could not have been more misinformed.

What on earth did he think he would do after ending it with Harry? How did he think he would cope by seeing Harry practically everyday? Have Harry hate him with even more vengeance than he used to and deal with it how? Hadn't spared a thought to that had you sunshine? And unless he was planning on doing a Memory Charm on himself, there was no way he would be able to get over Harry and carry on as before. There was no way. And he didn't even want to try.

He guessed that every single person in the world had said hurtful things at some point in their lives and done things they had regretted later. Even saints made mistakes. It was what made you human. No one was exempt from stupidity. No one. Not that it justified what he had done. He had made a colossal mistake and now wished he could take it all back. He knew that they had problems that would need to be addressed and seen to, but cutting off the relationship with flimsy excuses was not the way. He should have sat Harry down and talked it out with him. Perhaps they could have come up with a solution together but Draco hadn't even considered that an option. Stupid.

He admitted that now. He could admit it. And that was the first part in dealing with this fiasco. Admitting his mistake and then doing something about it. You could be deadly certain about something one day, only to change your mind the next. It did happen. Draco wouldn't be the first and he surely wouldn't be the last.

He winced suddenly; he had even raised his hand at Harry. How could I have done that? If Harry hadn't said anything would he have actually struck him? He closed his eyes in shame. He would like to have thought that he would have realised soon enough what position his hand was in – but in that split second he had been so angry that he hadn't seen beyond the red haze. I'll cut my hand off if I ever do that again, he thought furiously. Never again, I won't ever do that ever again. I'll never raise my hand at him. He squeezed his eyes further as his body recoiled in horror at the recollection.

You are an unimaginable bastard, he thought, sickened with himself. What had he said to Harry that night when Harry had told him that he cared about him and that he was confused?

'You're not the only one who is feeling confused,' he had said. ' Maybe we can just try and muddle through and see what happens all right? That's my best offer.'

Goodness, he had been a patronising swine even then. Draco hadn't even let it reach to the point of muddling through – he had sliced off any further endeavours at the first sign of difficulty. His best offer clearly hadn't been enough. But Harry had taken it….

The guilt was tearing Draco up inside into little chewed up meaty bits. His stomach churned and he sat up quickly. He had to go and see Harry. He had to apologise. Harry had said yesterday that he wouldn't have begged Draco to stay with him and Draco wouldn't either – but he certainly could beg the apology. He had no qualms about it; he would do it. He was certain that he had made Harry feel terrible about himself and he was so revolted that he could hardly stand it. Harry was the most dazzling human being he had ever had the chance to get to know. And now he could admit that. He almost had the sense that something inside of him had been freed. As if a small part of him had shed its skin. A tightly wound up ball that had unravelled at last. He hadn't realised that instead of blocking things from your mind – it was far better to embrace them and let them loose. At least then you knew what you were dealing with, and he felt the better for it.

His rather tired slogan of  ''it's all for the best'' was highly lacking in most departments. It certainly didn't feel all for the best now. It hadn't been the best for him.

Draco breathed deeply. But what if it was for the best for Harry? What if Harry was far better off without Draco? Look at what he had done? Harry did not deserve that.

Yet it felt important that Harry knew what Draco was feeling.

Harry, quite honestly had been the best thing that had happened to him this year. And something so good did not deserve to finish feeling so bad.

He was going to try and rectify the damage he had done and Harry could decide if Draco was worth it or not. Because Draco could not bear to let this frighteningly beautiful thing slip away without a fight.

He had to think of a good apology. 

Draco could go up to him and ask if he may speak with him. How he would manage that he wasn't sure but anyway…………

Draco thought hard picturing what would happen next and lay back down.

…………

So Harry would be standing somewhere when Draco spoke. He would then look at Draco with an amazed, hurt expression, and say, 'why?'

He would be still furious of course and Draco would ask again, if he may please speak with him in private. He was sure Harry would make some comment about his hearing being quite intact, thank you very much.

Draco would feel ashamed but would steadfastly carrying on looking at Harry, and Harry would say, ' give me one good reason why I should bother listening to you at all?'

Then Draco would say that he hadn't meant it, and now Draco could quite clearly envision Harry saying, ' what is left for you not to mean? The part where your legs felt wobbly?' 

Draco would accept that angry, sarcastic comment; after all he did deserve it. But then he could shake his head and say, ' no I didn't mean it when I said that it had been an act and that I didn't care.'

And what could he say now?

Draco bit his lip; I would need to say something here definitely….

'I'm sorry Harry, please can we just talk?'

Draco was sure that he might look as pathetic as he would be feeling now and Harry would sigh and cross his arms protectively across his chest.

'No Draco, I'm not listening to anything you have to say. You're a complete bastard and I can't believe you did what you did. How the hell do I know that this isn't some kind of joke as well?'

And then Draco would be desperate and ask again, ' please even for a minute. Just hear what I have to say, please?'

And Harry would finally relent and say,' fine.'

At least Draco hoped that is what would happen next. Harry was probably going to be a lot more difficult to coax, but this was the preferable scene.

So anyway, somehow miraculously they are now in their room. Don't know how but he would worry about the details afterwards.

Harry would perhaps be standing by the sofa or against the wall? And Draco would need to say sorry again and he was sure that Harry would look stunned by his humble and wretched behaviour. But I need to be, I should be, I am.

And then Draco would look at Harry's eyes and they would be so beautiful and intense, Harry's facial expression would still be undoubtedly confused and wary.

He might sigh again right about now and say,' Draco, I thought that you had said everything you had wanted to say yesterday. What is going on with you? How can I be sure that you mean it? How can I even trust you?'

And now what?

Maybe I can slowly reach for his arm and squeeze it a little bit? 'What can I do to make you believe me? I'll do anything, anything,' he should say.

He could suggest nicking some Veritaserum from Professor Snape's office. He wouldn't be able to lie then, and Harry could ask him anything.

Harry would probably think he is bluffing though.' Yeah right you would, you're just messing about with me Draco. Forget it.'

'Please Harry,' I'm going to have to grovel – there was no other way around it. But what did it matter? He needed and wanted Harry back.

I'll tell him exactly how I feel about him, and he thought he knew Harry well enough to know how those words would affect him. He would look completely shocked and Draco would rush on quickly. He would tell him honestly how he felt about him. That he had known for some time but had hid from it and got scared. And he had been so confused about so many things.

'Please Harry, I need you back.'

And he knew it, just knew it – he could see Harry looking so unsure as if he wanted to believe Draco but was frightened to. Draco's bewilderingly uncharacteristic behaviour was sure to catch Harry off-guard.

'Give me another chance please, if I fuck up then you can tell everyone what I did, you can tell people what a shit I was, I am.'

Harry had to be mildly surprised at that because he knew how much Draco's reputation meant to him.

He had never said please so many times in his life, but that's ok – this is my ideal apology. I can do that.

Harry would be quiet for the longest time and when he spoke, his voice would be shaking and he would say, ' we have a lot to talk about and don't think that you're forgiven or anything,' and he would glare at Draco who would smile back looking grateful and relieved, because at least now he had the chance to speak.

He would step closer to Harry, his hand tentatively grazing Harry's cheek, his thumb stroking Harry's soft skin.

'Can I kiss you first?' he would ask hesitantly, ' I really want to touch you, please.' He was aching to hold Harry again.

Harry wouldn't say anything but Draco would lean in closer and place a soft kiss on Harry's warm lips.

Draco closed his eyes and imagined himself kissing Harry again. And oh it would feel so good.

And then I can gently take him in my arms and maybe he might start to kiss me too? A little?

I can hug him close and kiss his little ear.

'I thought I lost you, I thought I fucked up everything,' and I'll hold him so near to me and I'll be thinking- thank god I have him back in my arms.

'I'm sorry, so sorry,' and he would carry on kissing Harry, hoping to alleviate the pain caused by the stupid and thoughtless words that had come out of his mouth. He would make his way down to the area where Harry's heart lay beating under his clothes and kiss it and work his way back up again to Harry's soft mouth.

And we'd kiss some more and he would hold me and this time I will kiss him with everything I have, Draco thought with a warm tingle. No holding back, no holding back this time.

Maybe he could press those tiny kisses on Harry's mouth that he liked so much.

Then perhaps Harry might give him a crooked smile? And he would again say, ' we should talk Draco, we really need to. Don't think that by making out with me I'm gonna forget everything.'

And I'll say 'yes I know, I just wanted to hold you is all.' and then I'll take his hand and we'll sit on the couch and then we progress to, ' okay lets talk.'

I could put my arms around him as I start to speak. And then we talk about everything. All the things that we haven't asked each other, all the things we haven't said to one another, all the things we need to discuss.

Like we should have.

Like I should have.

…………..

Draco's eyes snapped open. He seemed to have planned that apology rather intricately; got a little carried away there. He was also a lot more humble than he had ever been in his entire life – he wondered if it would carry through into his ''real apology''. He just hoped he didn't turn into a prick when the time came.

I have to do this right, a lot depended on it.

For the first time in his life, Draco was faced with the prospect of humility and he wasn't going to shirk away from it. 

Of course his little scenario could easily involve in Harry slapping him across the face and telling him to fuck off, but he had to remain positive didn't he?  Even the best of people make mistakes and say stupid things and act like arses; he reassured himself once again. Stupidity has taken a seat on many a fine a person; Draco contemplated for a second time nervously.

He ran his fingers through his hair feeling restless. He couldn't lay about anymore- not now that he had a plan. He quickly bounded out of bed literally. He would go and see Harry as soon as he could.

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Cont….