Karina still rambling: Just wanted to let you know that the next chapter will be the last chapter of The Chariot. I won't delay you in the final chapter so I'm gonna say my bit now. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you for all the support and encouragement and it certainly has been a learning experience for me.
I am so glad that you seemed to like the story and I'm sure I would not have reached all the way to the end of The Chariot, had it not been for you guys. As I said, I am writing for you as much as for me. I have quite simply adored typing The Chariot and sharing it with you.
Sorry carry on…
******
He woke up about six o' clock in the morning. His neck felt stiff and he felt all headachy and fluey. He stretched out. His layers of clothes bunched up awkwardly around him and he sat up. He undid his robes and kicked off his shoes. He pulled back his covers and got under them.
Draco.
His last thought of the night and the first thought of the morning.
He wondered if he could stay in bed all day. If that was even possible. But it wouldn't be. He would cause alarm and questions would ensue. No, he would have to get up eventually. He was dreading going downstairs. What if Draco had told people by now? Because clearly he hadn't up till last night. There was no way the Slytherins would have been able to keep such a delicious secret to themselves and not taunt Harry with it somehow. He was quite certain that Draco hadn't told them anything as yet – but he was going to.
Now that it was over.
It would be so much fun for Draco to hurt Harry yet further at this stage. Add insult to injury. Dumping him and then telling the whole school about it. Harry could see it now; a huge banner across the Great Hall that read:
''Harry Potter is gay! And he is a shit kisser'', in neon letters.
He had avoided dinner last night but how long could he avoid venturing outside the dorm? Draco was very popular amongst the Slytherin crowd and when he would tell of his conquest; the news would spread like wildfire. It wouldn't matter if Harry was hibernating in his room. His friends, the whole school would hear of it, whether he was there or not.
He lay huddled under the blankets feeling wretched. What was he going to do about it anyway? Corner Draco before he opened his mouth and tell him not to say anything? Hex him? Blackmail him? There would be no point. It would get out eventually – and Harry's attempts to stop it would be futile.
He would just have to let it happen and then deal with it. He would have to face it, like it or lump it. He didn't have a choice.
He lay listening to the others still sleeping. One thing was for sure, when Draco opened his mouth, Harry was not going to take it lying. He was not going to let Draco walk all over him. If Draco meant to drag Harry down, then he was coming right down with him. Harry would make sure of it. He would tell everyone that Draco had enjoyed every minute of their fake relationship and that he was gay too.
………
He might have rejoiced in his avenging spirit had he not felt so low. But at the moment, he couldn't muster up any sort of bitter enthusiasm for his hypothetical retribution.
He continued to lie there. He had not moved out of his bed in over twelve hours.
'Harry?' Ron's voice called out some time later.
'Yeah?'
'How are you feeling?'
'Fine thanks.'
'Are you coming to breakfast?'
'Uhh…' he would have to get up in due course. 'Yeah I am, you go ahead. I'll see you down there.'
He heard Ron heave a sigh and the others moved around, as they got dressed.
Harry waited till everyone had left and then sat up. He did not want to go down at all. He felt so terrible.
He had this sudden insane urge to run and find Draco and bury himself in his arms. Feel Draco's hands stroke his back soothingly. Have Draco kiss him and make him feel better. Funny the way the mind worked. The only one who he wanted to find comfort in was the one who had scorched him in the first place.
Draco.
Draco…
He felt his chest tighten and he swallowed with some difficulty. He looked miserably down at his duvet. He didn't have anyone. He was alone in this.
Tough.
He willed himself to get out of bed and took a deep breath. He reached for his glasses and finally heaved himself up and to the bathroom.
It was nearing nine o'clock by the time he reluctantly headed towards the stairs. He could feel his heart jumping uneasily in his chest. He felt ill and tired and each step he took was wrought agonizingly with dread. What was going to happen when he went inside the Great Hall?
They would all know. They would all cackle at him. He would see Draco and it would be horrible. Hermione and Ron's faces would look appalled.
He kept his head down and shuffled into the hall. He listened carefully for any kind of abuse and laughter directed towards him…
But there was none.
He let out a small, relieved breath but still kept his head low. So far so good, he couldn't hear any jeering, just normal chatter. The room had not gone silent as he went to the table.
It was all right.
So far.
There was a space next to Ginny and he quickly went to it and sat down, sinking into the chair as deep as possible.
'Hey Harry,' Hermione was sitting a few chairs away from him next to Ron.
'Ron said you're not feeling well.'
'Err no I'm okay now,' he mumbled as he reached for the toast that he didn't want to eat. ' I'm just a bit tired that's all.'
He closed his mouth and buttered his toast. He wanted to try and remain inconspicuous and not draw any attention to himself.
Maybe Draco hadn't told anyone yet. But why not? What was he waiting for? It was going to happen. Might as well get it over and done with no? Maybe he wanted to torment Harry further and make him wait on tenterhooks, never quite knowing when Draco was going to spring it upon him. Maybe he wanted to blackmail him?
He could clearly picture Draco's face in his head and tried to keep distracted by fiddling with his butter knife. He did not look to see if Draco was even in the hall. He was probably waiting to smirk widely when their eyes met. Well Harry was not going to give him the chance to. He wasn't going to meet anyone's eyes if he could help it.
Ginny bent her head down near his,' are you sure you're ok? You look very pale, really.'
He lifted his head a fraction and shook his head.
'I'm fine thanks, just didn't sleep all that well. Headache. I'm fine now though thank you,' he repeated yet again. Perhaps if he repeated it enough, he could make himself believe he was fine. He tried to look as untroubled as he could manage. It seemed to work.
'Ok,' she said and put her hand on his shoulder and rubbed it slightly.
He gave her his best fake smile, hoping that it would reassure her and placed his hand over hers and gave it a small squeeze before he removed it from his shoulder.
He released it gently and she nodded at him.
Look happy; look happy he thought, feeling anything but happy. He was so far from being happy it was hysterical.
He broke the toast in pieces and forced them down his throat, keeping his eyes down. He drank a cup of tea to wash the dryness away from the inside of his mouth.
The others had finished their breakfast and Harry was grateful to be getting up and out of there. He went outside along with them as they left the hall.
'What time should we go to Hogsmeade? The weather is awful,' Hermione was saying. The sky overhead in the Great Hall was thunderous and dark and it was bucketing outside.
'Mmm, shame about the rain,' Seamus said.
'Yeah worst luck,' Ron replied. 'Lets see if the rain stops before lunch. If it doesn't then we'll have lunch here and play it by ear yeah?'
They all agreed and Dean mentioned a board game he had upstairs that they could play in the common room to kill some time.
'All of us can play it, it's pretty cool. My dad ordered it from a wizards catalogue for me,' he said as they walked upstairs.' It's called Fortress.'
Harry trailed after the many feet climbing the stairs, and once they reached the room, he thankfully found a cosy spot in an armchair in front of the fire. Ron shot him a smile and Harry smiled back. He felt bad for snapping at Ron last night.
Dean got out his game and laid it on a large table. With Neville's help he pushed the table closer to the chairs and then asked who wanted to play. Harry nodded along with the others and Dean began to explain the rules.
Harry sat in his chair concentrating on breathing. It was weird, breathing. It felt weird when you really thought about. Because thinking about breathing had to be a lot better than thinking about Draco. Think about anything but Draco.
But all he wanted was Draco…
His blond hair was so soft to touch. His skin was so soft. He had been so gentle, so sweet…
LIES.
Harry realised he had not heard a single word Dean had just said and the game was about to start.
'What colour do you want to be Harry?' Neville was taking out the tiny two inch sized men out of a small box. They twitched into life and began to jump on the spot impatiently till someone called them.
'Black?' he said the first colour that came to mind.
Neville nodded and his little man marched to the starting square. There were many things in the Wizarding world that never seized to amaze him. Animated counters that moved for themselves were one of them.
Two minutes later the game began and Harry watched as it unfolded. He hadn't listened to the rules, so just pretended he knew what he was doing and rolled the dice when it came to his turn.
It looked quite complicated and he was glad that Dean narrated each move. It was Ron's turn now.
'Ron pick a card,' Dean said and Ron picked up a card from the middle of the board and Dean read it out,' you are the King of the Castle. Keep this card for two extra rolls.'
Ron grinned and his little man took out a tiny crown from his pocket and placed it on his head jauntily.
Apparently the goal of the game seemed to be the first one to reach inside the fortress safe and sound. So far Neville seemed to be winning.
'Harry, pick a card,' Dean said when Harry arrived on a small red square. He leant forward and drew a card from the deck. Dean took it from him and read it out aloud.
'You transform into the Dragon, seek its protection for the next two turns.'
His little man immediately jumped off to the side of the board and a little red dragon came into its place. On another day, the sight of a small dragon huffing and puffing around a game board would have amused him, but nothing was amusing to him today.
'It just doesn't amuse me so much anymore.'
He had amused Draco but now not so much anymore. His amuse by date had come forth apparently.
'Let's do an Engorgio spell on the board!' Seamus laughed and Dean snorted at the thought. Hermione quickly stepped in and said no. It would distort the board and life size dragon figures were not acceptable game play in the common room.
Harry recalled the first time Draco and him had used ''their room''. They had been lying on the couch, side by side.
'Do you mind that we're just, you know, lying like this?' Harry had asked.
Draco replied back in a lazy drawl,' if I minded I wouldn't be here. Why, do you mind?'
Harry had shaken his head,' no.'
Draco had cocked his brow and then said,' well that's all right then.'
Harry had nestled against Draco's shoulder and they lay in silence for a few moments.
Draco had then suddenly spoken.
'Do you think if we did an Engorgio Charm on the sofa, it'll double up in size?'
Harry had shrugged, 'don't see why not. You wanna try?' he'd smiled.
Harry watched the memory play out in his head. They had got up and Draco had muttered the spell and the couch had shakily grown larger. Draco gave Harry a satisfied smile. The armrest had become twice as high and Draco could comfortably lean his back against it. He propped his knees up on the couch and Harry had settled himself in between them, his back against Draco's chest. Draco had then snaked his arms around Harry's waist and Harry remembered feeling so warm and wonderful sitting there.
Soon small kisses were placed against the back of his neck and he had shivered with delight as his eyes closed pleasurably. He had sat very quiet and still as soft lips covered his skin with such gentleness. Draco's mouth glided over him and he'd felt goose bumps rise over his body. He let out a small moan and then chuckled.
'If I was a cat, I'd start purring right about now.'
'Purring huh?' Draco had laughed. 'Meow,' he said and laughed some more.
'What?' Harry asked and Draco had shaken his head and said,' nothing.'
Harry now remembered how he had tipped his head back and Draco had placed his lips perfectly over his own.
They had kissed like that for a while. Finally Draco had lifted his mouth away and smiled down at his face.
'Are you getting neck strain?'
Harry straightened up his head and Draco kissed his neck again and then his ear and down his jaw line. Harry's head had fallen forward and Draco had continued with his tender touches- his lips brushing gently across Harry's nape. Harry had savoured every bit of contact Draco made with his skin. He'd then twisted around kneeling and fitted quite comfortably between Draco's legs. They slid their arms around one another and had kissed for another extensible amount of time.
Harry could clearly remember the feel of Draco's tongue on his, the sound of Draco's soft moans, Draco's fingers running through his hair…
LIES.
How could he bear to kiss me so intimately, even though it had been an act? Harry wondered. What seventeen-year-old boy with previous sexual experience would willingly (even for a laugh), spend hours kissing a boy he hated? Draco must really hate him to be so believable in his game. Harry felt sick.
And there hadn't even been any sex. If there had been sex, then at least Draco would have received sexual gratification for all his troubles. But there hadn't been. Not even close.
There had just been a lot of kissing and hugging and talking and more kissing.
Had Draco laughed himself silly after every parting? Had he choked on his giggles at the thought of Harry moaning and smiling during their marathon make-out sessions?
And all the while Harry had felt so thankful that he had found someone who wanted to kiss him in such a profound and affectionate way.
Stupid.
Stupid.
Stupid.
He felt his heart clench horribly in his chest and he wanted to sink into the armchair and disappear. He felt despair swallow him up. If there were Oscars for non-actors, he was sure Draco would get ''Best Male'' hands down. It had been the best performance Harry had ever seen.
It wasn't fair.
Life wasn't fair.
'Harry?!' came Dean's exasperated voice.
'Mmmm?'
'Roll!!' came a chorus of voices and he quickly hunched forward and threw the dice.
Double two's.
His Dragon got slain and he was out of the game. What a tragedy.
He continued to not watch the game and desperately tried to shut out Draco's image swimming before his eyes.
The way his eyes glittered, the curve of his lips, the pale skin stretched out across perfect bones. His hands, his voice, his words…
Harry felt a terrifying surge of emotion push up through his chest. His eyes suddenly stung and he fought frantically to keep his expression impassive. Oh god not here……… he pursed his lips tightly to keep from howling out in anguish. He couldn't stop the gush of misery overwhelming him and tried to ride it through silently. His throat ached and he sat there surrounded by people trying to breath calmly as possible through closed lips.
Draco didn't want him. He didn't even care about him.
But I do, Harry thought. I care about you so much. I want you so much and you don't want me.
You don't want me.
Calm down, shush, be quiet, he willed himself. He could feel his heart squirm and the aching hole grew immensely, till it was threatening to devour him from top to bottom. He wanted to cry out and scream.
His head ached and he felt like he was going to burst if he didn't let it all out, let something out. He couldn't bear it any longer. It hurt so much. He wanted to fall apart into pieces. What could he do? He felt so desperate.
The others were still playing and someone had exploded with laughter. But Harry didn't hear what they were laughing about, all he could hear was the blood pounding through his veins and his heart was racing. He looked down into his lap. He had to tell someone. Say something. The feeling of utter despair was threatening to suffocate him; he should tell someone. Maybe they could give him some advice. Tell him what to do. He didn't know. He just didn't know. He couldn't handle what had happened. His heart was weeping and he had lost Draco.
Draco…
Ron. Tell Ron. Maybe Ron could help. Make it better. Someone make it better please.
Draco.
No, he couldn't tell Ron. Ron would be disgusted and mortified.
Hermione. Maybe he could tell Hermione. She might be able to help. She was always so logical and clear-minded right? He brushed his hand over his fringe and kept his head low.
Draco.
No he couldn't tell Hermione either.
He couldn't tell anyone. He had got himself into this mess all alone and he had to get himself out of it.
But he couldn't sit here any longer. He got up quickly and mumbled something about going up. He turned and threw Hermione a quick smile to signal that he was fine.
And then he ran upstairs to the room before he collapsed into a small bundle.
Again he was alone.
He opened his mouth and drew in long gasps of air.
He went towards his bed and his eyes fell to his mirror above his cabinet. He imagined Draco's face in it. Draco with a mischievous smile on his beautiful face. The smile broke out into a grin and the grin turned into a smirk. The smirk turned into a sneer and his expression turned cold as did his eyes. Harry had seen Draco for what he had wanted to see, not for what he really was. Draco's duplicitous behaviour had taken him in entirely.
Harry inched closer to the mirror and saw his face staring back at him.
Stupid face. Stupid glasses. Stupid hair. Stupid.
He was probably quite ugly for all he knew. He couldn't really tell. Was he? Yes he was ugly wasn't he?
He saw the same face day in day out and couldn't be so objective. But no, looking at himself now- he was ugly. Why would anyone find him remotely attractive? He had never really thought about it before. Hadn't really cared. His face was his face. He wasn't the one looking at him as he went about his day. He didn't have to see himself eating and talking and doing things. So he hadn't really spared much thought on his looks.
Though he had never particularly liked the way he looked. When he was younger he had liked his scar, now he preferred to keep his gaze away from it when he saw his reflection. But in all honesty that was the only thing that made him noticeable. His scar. If he received attention it was because of his scar not for the rest of him. Not really.
He was ugly. Maybe if he had been better looking Draco might have liked him more or something. Maybe Draco wouldn't have been acting. He might have found it nice to look at Harry when they had been together. Draco was stunning to look at. He really was. He possessed an ethereal beauty that became even more riveting the more and more you looked at him. Harry had been delighted to be able to drink Draco in with his eyes. Run his fingers across his face. To touch him.
Of course Draco didn't want Harry. Ugly Harry. With horrible glasses and a horrible face, and a horrible body. He was really ugly. He suddenly remembered last year's Valentines Day with Cho. He had made an effort that day. How stupid of him, like anything would make a difference to his head. They had been standing in line when Pansy Parkinson had guffawed loudly and pointed out to Cho, ' Potter and Chang,' she had screeched. 'Urgh, Chang, I don't think much of your taste….at least Diggory was good-looking!'
Of course Draco would be ashamed to be with him. Of course he did not want to tell people about them………
WAIT, it hadn't been real. Draco hadn't even contemplated any of this. He had known what this was from the start.
Harry moved away from the ghastly mirror and slumped onto his bed once again.
He felt so tired. Tired of thinking. Tired of being himself. Tired of feeling sorry for himself. Shit happens, it always does. Why think any different? You're ugly; get over it. Draco had been stringing you along; get over it. There was no 'relationship'; get over it. Just get over all of it. He ought to feel burning hatred and raging anger towards Draco but he didn't. Not right now. All he felt was overpowering sadness and disappointment. Maybe it would pass and he would go back to not feeling anything but anger. He just had to get over this first.
He couldn't.
This seemed to be about the right time to start crying, if only he would let himself. And he wouldn't. No way. He wouldn't cry. Perhaps there were tears to be shed but Harry had frozen them dry long ago. His eyes could burn and sting all they wanted to – but not a teardrop would they see. He had forced himself not to cry over Sirius and he was certainly not going to cry over Draco. He'd sooner stab his eye out than do that.
Tears of that kind meant pain and accomplished nothing. Pain meant that you had feelings and were hurting and that you were human. And it was better to be numb. So much better to think of yourself as a construction of skin and bones and blood and nothing else. A machine if you will. So much wiser than feeling wouldn't you say?
It was far better to ignore pain that spread in your body and seeped through your mind and oozed into your blood stream. What did it matter as long as you were being? No one saw what was going on inside of your mind and body – they just saw your shell. And as long as you were 'being' that was all that was needed to get through each day.
Being was better than feeling.
It was odd, he had never thought of himself as a particularly emotive person. He'd had a habit of masking his emotions from a very young age and most of the time he didn't even realise that he was doing so. But never in his life had his emotions got the better of him and taken him over completely as they were doing now. He felt as if they had run him over.
He shook his head and tried to clear his mind. He had to get on with it. He just had to. He forced himself to ignore his depressive state and plastered a fake cheery expression as he made his way back down.
The game was coming to an end as Harry came in and perched on top of an armchair rest next to Hermione. He stared at the little figures on the board and could see Neville's little man jumping onto the square that indicated the entrance of the fortress. Another dice roll and he would win.
He won.
Harry looked out of the window and saw the sheets of rain pelting down. The others had packed away the game and Harry glanced at the clock. It was lunchtime. His stomach rumbled at his discovery and Harry suddenly felt hungry. He had merely picked at his toast at breakfast and not having eaten dinner last night – his stomach was still empty and complaining.
'You all right there Harry?' Ron asked as they made their way out of the common room.
Harry nodded,' yeah, I'm good.' He paused and then said,' thanks.'
'It's all right,' Ron said and Harry nodded.
He knew he had made the right decision not to tell Ron. It wouldn't be fair to embroil Ron in his personal angst. It was inevitable that his friends were going to find out sooner or later, but Harry did not want to confront it till he had to.
He kept his head down once again as they approached the Great Hall.
Once seated, he tucked into his lunch, fulfilling his stomachs request and kept his mouth busy as conversations flowed around him.
'Ron you might as well see to the second and first years while it's still raining heavily,' Hermione told him.
Ron sighed,' yeah I guess. Hey Seamus do you mind helping us? We can start about two and say we leave for Hogsmeade about four o'clock? Even if it's still raining, otherwise we'll never go.'
'Yeah all right,' came Seamus's reply.
Harry realised that he had no idea what the three of them were talking about. He noticed Ron had asked Seamus and not Harry for help in whatever he had to do. Harry had been a crap friend over the last few weeks. He hadn't a clue as to what was going on in their lives. He hadn't even given them the courtesy of giving his full attention when he did speak to them. His mind was always off wandering towards Draco. What was Draco doing? What time should they meet?
Draco.
Draco.
Draco.
And where had that got him? A one way ticket back to his piteous self.
Yes, he had been a rubbish friend. He had lied to them and sneaked around. He felt so guilty. What had he ever done for his friends? Nothing that's what. It had always been them who came to his aid. Always them risking their safety for him. And he had never done anything for them in return. Take, take, take. He had never been a good friend to them.
He was a shitty person full stop.
He swirled his peas around with his fork, not wanting to eat them anymore. His appetite had vanished rapidly and he was left with half a full plate in front of him. He prodded his peas and waited for Ron and Hermione to finish. He didn't want to get up before either of them did – he didn't want anyone to notice him at all. He hated to be acting this way but he didn't have the energy to push it all aside and act any different.
Five minutes later they had all seemed to finish and they got up and left the Great Hall.
'What should we do while Seamus and Ron go off?' Dean asked no one in particular.
'Let's do a quiz,' Hermione said,' it'll be fun.'
Dean snorted,' you have some weird tastes when it comes to fun Hermione.'
'Well we have to wait till four anyway to go down, so we might as well be productive with the hours we have before then,' she persisted.
Dean moaned and Ginny laughed as the group started to climb the marble staircase.
When they reached the common room, Ron and Seamus went to find Professor Mcgonagall. Harry and the others settled themselves around the fireplace again. Harry watched a couple of first year's playing cards. Looking back, Harry knew that his life had been a lot simpler when he was that age. For the first time in his life he had made friends and had a place that he had begun to think of as home. Life had seemed a lot brighter then too. Much more than it did now. So much more.
He almost wished he could be eleven again but knew that there was no point wishing such a thing. His imminent fate would still be hanging over his head no matter what. He was destined to live out his miserable life as it came to him. He was pitiful and would watch others be happy and never have happiness for himself. He was doomed. He knew that. And now that he had learnt his lesson with Draco – he knew not to ever get involved with anyone ever again.
He picked up a magazine and stared at it, not reading a single word.
About a quarter past one Ron and Seamus came back.
'You're back early,' Hermione said.
'Yup,' Ron replied.' There wasn't much for us to do so………' his voice trailed off looking around at the bored faces. 'So shall we go down to town then? It's only a bit of rain and we can go to a few shops and then have a few drinks at the Three Broomsticks. What do you think?'
He was met with a whoop of approval from Dean who had been cornered by Hermione and quizzed too thoroughly for his liking.
The others got up too and everybody was ready in a couple of minutes to go down to Hogsmeade.
Ron smiled down at him as they reached the front doors and Harry smiled back and then looked over his shoulder.
'Hermione it's only a bit of rain,' Harry said as Hermione muttered a few words with her wand over her head.
I know that,' she said reproachfully, ' but I wanted to use the spell to see how it felt.'
Ron chuckled and squeezed her shoulders as they came outside into the open.
The sky was still darkened with rain clouds, though the rain had lessened somewhat than earlier that morning. It was considerably wet and muddy and they began to walk down towards the gates.
A while later they reached Hogsmeade. They all agreed to meet in the Three Broomsticks at three 'o clock, and then the group split up into different directions.
'Harry I need to get a new quill,' Hermione said to him,' do you want to come with us?'
Harry paused and felt strange and so much like the third wheel that all he needed was someone to ride him as a tricycle to befit it. It wasn't their fault; he was just feeling particularly sensitive. He knew that.
Draco.
He took in a steady breath and then smiled brightly,' ummm no I'm uh gonna go and see something. I need to get some stuff too so I'll see you later for drinks ok?'
Hermione looked concerned and the three of them stood awkwardly for a moment. Suddenly from out of nowhere, Luna appeared by Harry's side.
'I'm going to see something with Harry,' she said in a fixed voice.
Harry glanced at her gratefully and he nodded at Ron who looked relieved that Harry had found someone to keep him company. Harry smothered a sigh. I'm feeling sensitive that's all, he told himself again as he watched Ron and Hermione walk away down the street.
'He is very tall isn't he?' Luna said pensively.
Harry nodded, though it was a given that Ron was extremely tall.
'Are we walking then?' she said turning her large eyes on Harry's face.
'Uhh you don't have to Luna, if you know, you have something else to do,' he said quickly. Brilliant he was being so pathetic, any minute now he was gong to start apologising for his existence in the universe.
She looked at him, and disregarding his words entirely, said instead,' lets watch the owls in the post office.'
Harry raised his brow but walked towards the building nonetheless. A hawk owl screeched above him and he looked up as he reached for the door. Yup, all he needed was a bird to poop on his head and the day would end perfectly.
Twenty minutes later he found himself still staring at the numerous shelves with various owls perched atop them.
' I always think that yellow is quite a fast colour or orange,' she said.
Harry shrugged, ' I guess.'
She turned her face towards him and then said, ' I'm hungry. Do you want to get something to eat? Chocolate sounds good.'
He nodded and they left the post office and over to Honeydukes.
Luna bought a bag full of Fizzing Whizbees and some fruit flavoured mood rings. She had slipped one onto her finger and licked it now and again. She offered him one and he hastily shook his head and settled on getting some soft vanilla and creams fudge.
They left the shop, sucking and chewing and began to walk down the street.
' I wanted to get some mittens,' she suddenly said.
'But it's getting warmer,' Harry told her.
'So?' she replied and Harry followed her inside Gladrags.
He would have really liked to come to town with Draco at his side...
Oh god, what if he bumped into Draco whilst he was wandering around? He looked about him wildly for a moment and then slumped his shoulders. If he was going to see Draco then he would see Draco. He would see him in time anyway. He felt so dispirited; it was a wonder that he had managed to keep upright at all. He felt so limp and drained. His self-esteem was virtually on the ground with its stuffing knocked out of it. He felt wounded and bruised and he was having such a hard time pretending that he was all right.
Tough. Tough. Tough.
Luna bought mittens and then they visited a few more shops. She silently watched him and he smiled at her, suddenly wondering if she had been fooled by his behaviour. She nodded almost knowingly at him and he looked down at the ground.
He battled a sigh and glanced at his watch,' shall we go into the Three Broomsticks then?'
'Yeah,' she said and licked the base of her ring. It had changed colour; it looked sort of purpley.
As they neared the pub, Ron and Hermione joined them. The rain had seized to a lighter drizzle and Harry found that he did not mind it falling on his face. Though the little droplets on his lenses were annoying.
He wiped his glasses with his jumper as they walked in. Seamus, Dean and many others were already seated on a large table facing the bar. Harry noticed a few Slytherin's in the far corner sitting far away from the other houses.
Draco….
No.
'Harry, shall I get us some bottles of butterbeer yeah?' Ron asked.
Harry forced himself to answer,' uh yeah thanks a lot,' and found himself a seat.
He looked around the large room and sitting here surrounded by people, he felt so very alone. So alone. He felt his chest constrict and his head reminded him that it was still aching.
Stop it Harry, you're feeling sorry for yourself again.
Was he being a wimp? After all people got 'dumped' everyday. He wasn't the only one. But surely not many of them, were dumped by a fake partner from a fake relationship? That was a little more rare, right? Was he being all boo hoo for no reason? He couldn't tell. He didn't know. But to whom was he going to confide in about his non-relationship problems? No one that's who. He could ask himself. Hello, am I being a prat? Yes you are. He scratched at the table's wooden surface absentmindedly.
Ron came back a few minutes later holding several bottles in his hands. He passed one to Harry and slid on the bench opposite him, next to Hermione. Harry was facing the bar and watched people getting served. He gulped down a miserable sigh that was longing to come out in full volume. He rested his face in his left hand, his palm clamped over his mouth tightly. He gripped the bottle with his other hand and wiped off the cool droplets of water from the neck. He tightened his fingers around it, his thumb idly rubbing the cool glass.
He remembered when he'd had his practical Charms exam and Draco had caught eye of him and whilst throwing Harry a scathing look, he had proceeded to shatter his wineglass.
We hated each other then and he still hates you, Harry thought glumly. I never became Harry to him, I remained Potter as always.
In his perfect and ideal world, he would be sitting here with his arms wrapped around Draco and softly talking and laughing together amongst friends. And Draco would turn his head and meet Harry's lips in a gentle kiss and no one would care, no one would bat an eyelid, because everyone knew that they were together and they were all, all right with it.
But that would never happen, why even go there?
Draco had toyed with him like a toy.
His mind wandered.
'Only for you.'
'Promise?'
'Always.'
Those words were haunting him. Harry again stumbled; he could not believe that it had all been a lie.
Draco's words belied his actions.
……….
………..
What if it hadn't been a lie???
That wasn't completely unfeasible…
Maybe Draco had got scared. Maybe he hadn't meant to like Harry at all and when he realised that he did, he got scared. Ok, sure perhaps at the beginning his intentions had been out of spite but they could have become something else…
Couldn't they?
And Draco instead of admitting it to Harry had ended it.
Harry looked thoughtfully down at the table, feeling stupid for even the small amount of hope he had managed to surface. But it was possible, wasn't it?
He was certain that Lucius Malfoy was a formidable father. It would be the hardest thing in the world for Draco to stand up to his parents. Harry wasn't stupid and he reasoned that he could not expect Draco to so easily and readily admit to their relationship. His situation was different to Harry's.
And quite obviously Draco did not know the full extent of his father's involvements as a Death Eater. Perhaps Lucius Malfoy thought it best to spare his son the more gruesome details of his activities. Draco had indicated that Lucius was a good father. It wasn't unthinkable as much as unbelievable.
'Evil' men throughout history had loved; often passionately so. It could be quite right to be thinking that Lucius Malfoy loved his wife and son very much. Draco seemed very enamoured by his father. Harry thought it could be possible to be a good father without being a good person. It could happen. Lucius Malfoy thought nothing of killing a bunch of fifteen year olds, yet quite possibly could go home afterwards and play happy families.
It wasn't so unlikely…
He puffed out a tiny breath against his hand. Hmm, well whatever the reason behind Draco's dismissal of him was, Harry would just see where it led. If Draco gave him scornful glances and sneers; if he did not approach Harry in any shape or form other than to take the piss; Harry would know that Draco had definitely meant all that he had said.
However, if he acted in contradicting opposition to that, then Harry might try and seize an opportunity and have it out with Draco. You know, just to see…
There was still hope right? Right? He still wanted to have faith in what they had shared.
Stupid…
?
He felt Colin tap his arm and begin a tale of what he would be doing over the Easter break. Harry listened politely, glad that he wasn't being asked to talk.
Ron suddenly got up and tugged at Hermione's hand.
'We're err gonna get going now. We forgot something, as in Prefect duty stuff.'
What a lame excuse. Hermione had a red tinge smarting her cheeks and Ron looked all chuffed. They were in love and happy and Harry felt his gut twinge.
Stop being silly. I'm happy for them, I am, he thought. I just want that too…with Draco.
Hermione gave a small smile in agreement and Ginny looked up and grinned,' yeah right. See ya.'
Ron clamped a hand on Harry's shoulder,' see ya later then Harry.'
Harry nodded,' yeah I'll be seeing you.' He smiled up at Ron and Hermione in assurance and then waved his two friends off as they stumbled from the bench and towards the door.
Colin continued to talk and Harry nodded now and again to indicate that he was still listening and time passed.
Ginny turned a speculative look from across the bench towards him and he smiled, unsure of what she was thinking.
About two minutes later Ginny leaned across the table to him, ' I've forgotten to get something. Stay right here ok?'
'Uhh ok,' he said slightly thrown. Huh? Why?
She got up and sped out of the pub.
Luna gave him a queer smile a few seats away and he raised his eyebrows in question. But then she turned her face away and seemed to recite something to Neville from the latest edition of The Quibbler. Colin had left him to go and find his brother and Harry sat uncomfortably. He reached for his drink and took a long gulp. He felt like wilting and straightened up his back quickly. He looked around as he took another swig of his drink.
A few more minutes passed.
He suddenly saw something from the corner of his eye.
What was that?
Where…
………..
There it was again.
He put down his bottle and squinted carefully in front of him, watching for the movement to flicker across his eyes once more.
Where had it come from………..?
…….
There…
A large group of people had just entered the pub and made their way to the bar. His trail of vision was obscured slightly and he craned his head to the side.
The movement was coming from behind a door, which was situated on the left hand side of the bar. There was a small square of glass cut away in it and he fixed his gaze upon it. He had never noticed the door before. He presumed it led to a dim back alley behind the pub. Most likely Madam Rosmerta and her husband used it for easy access. He kept a watchful eye on the window.
He looked intently for a minute and to his surprise made out a figure standing on the other side of the door. The figure came closer and he could see an outline of a head. He carried on watching. A face came near to the glass for a moment, looking in.
At him?
He peered as he tried to make out the persons identity.
He recognised the face.
He felt a small smile turn his lips. He quickly looked around to see if anyone else had noticed the person standing there, but it appeared that nobody had.
He looked at the person again. They now beckoned him with their index finger and his eyes raked over the tables to make sure that it was in fact him that the person was looking at.
Of course it was.
They were definitely indicating towards him.
The face came extremely close to the glass and gave an earnest smile pleadingly and mouthed something at him. He felt a small chuckle tickle his throat but kept his face expressionless. Should he get up?
A finger beckoned him again and the face moved slightly back.
He got up quickly from behind the table and made his way towards the bar and to the door.
No one seemed to notice him moving away from his seat.
The room was very busy and everyone was chattering and talking, and in the hustle and bustle, no one paid him any attention as he approached the door.
The face was back again near to the glass and a grateful smile graced their lips, as they inclined their head to say, ' yes come out.'
Harry stole a quick look around again to make sure he wasn't being watched by anybody and reached for the handle.
He turned it and silently opened the door, feeling the cool draft hit his face. He took one last look behind his shoulder before slipping out into the alleyway.
.