And now, the G-Man on the General Unfairness of Life.
Hollywood's a tough town, you know what I mean? I mean, just 'cause a guy's a little overweight, he's automatically out of the running for an Oscar. And if you don't think I deserve an Academy Award, think about this one: fuckin' Cher got an Academy Award. Cher. Cher, Cher, Cher. And Roman Polanski, too! And Michael Moore for that bullshit mockumentary he made! I mean, Jesus, how hard is it to talk circles around an old man with Alzheimer's?
Really, the Oscars are a farce. They give stuff out to guys like Moore, Polanski, Cher, and then a fine actor like Cary Grant waits his whole life to get one Goddamned "lifetime achievement" Oscar! You know what "lifetime achievement" means in real life? "Mandatory retirement," that's what it is. Shit, the same goes for John Wayne. Two of the men who built that damned town, and all they get is "lifetime achievement." And then they die.
And that's prob'ly the way it's gonna be for me, you know what I mean? They give me an Oscar and the next day Toho gives me the little "we regret to inform you that your services . . ." letter. Bastards. If Old Man Tanaka was still there, things'd be different for me, I'll tell you that. Rodan sure as hell wouldn't be working there.
Lemme tell you about Rodan. The directors all love him, because he'll do anything, and I mean anything, for nothing. Sex scene? Hell, he was doing those before James Bond did! You don't believe me, you go watch that one standalone movie he did—you don't want to, huh, 'cause it sucks without me—right? Yeah, that's what I thought. Just take my word for it though—he's humpin' Rodana like a bunny on speed.
It's monsters like Rodan that bring the industry down. Where is the quality, I ask? The answer is, there is none, but pricks like him get to show up in my movies again and again, while a guy like me has to work for a living.
So what I have to say to you is this: Life's a bitch, kids, so f—
This has been the G-Man on the General Unfairness of Life.