Gamera, Gamera, Gamera. Let me tell you about Gamera. He's a little, ah, shall we say, different from the rest of us monsters. He thinks he gets to be all aloof and stuff because he's got his own standalone movies, and because I've never kicked his ass around the park in a movie, like just about everyone else in this town.
But let me tell you, he's a puss at heart. What was that one monster's name? You know, the killer shark thing that flew or whatever? What the hell's up with that? And kids, he's always worrying about the kids. Let me tell you about the real Gamera, the one who ran down a kid's pet cat and then laughed about it with Rodan. Yeah, forgot that, he hangs out with Rodan—how nice can he be?
And what's with the fire-out-of-the-shell thing? He thinks he's hot shit because he can spin in a damn circle. Hell, I can spin in a circle when I'm drunk! I'll show you right now! Just let me start getting there. Okay . . . there's one sake. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. What, I'm a big guy, ya know? Nine. Ten. 'Leven. Twelve. Thirteen. The number after that. Fifteen. Sixteen. Uh . . . what?
What was I talking about? I would read it but the letters are fuzzy all of a sudden. Damn computer monitor, it must've broke again. Broke computer, broke computer, what'm I gonna do wi' a broke computer . . . I'm so glad I got that voice recog . . . regog . . . recog-fuckin'-nition software, you know what I mean? I can't even see the keyboard. Oh, wait, there it is. I'll tap it and show you. Eajiof ndajl hjivoadiaweow8yopgon aoiwh902 maklf. There, you see that? I'll do it again. Afjl khj agho aeiojkjla;uho scnlvdnzs ;pvdepen.
This one time, I remember, me an' Ghidorah, we were in Osaka, right, and these two punks come up and are like, "Gimme all your money, fatsoes," and we were like, "No," and they were like, "Gimme all your money," and they pulled out this little knife or somethin'. So Ghidorah . . . this kills me every time . . . Ghidorah electrocutes 'em both, then he eats 'em, all three of the heads just chompin' away.
What was I talking about before? Oh, yeah, Cameron. No, Gamera. Forgot. Silly. Holy shit, someone around here's been drinkin' sake, there's bowls all over the place. Anyhoo, so Gamera . . . could I beat his ass?
You betcha.
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This has been the G-Man on Gamera and Whatever Else He Thinks Of.