And now, the G-Man on the Crack-Moth.

I'd, ah, like to, um, apologize for, uh, my, ah, behavior in the previous piece.  It was inexcusable, and I'm sorry.  It won't happen again, and, ah, I hope you can forgive me, or something.  Um.  Gamera sucks.

I remember when Mothra first came into the business.  God, she was hot, let me tell you.  Great actress, fantastic voice.  And that ass . . . wow.  Her eyes always had a special glint in 'em.  Working with her was a joy, even if she did get to kick my ass twice.  Even Ghidorah liked her, and he's pretty anti-social when he's sober.

And then came Rodana.

Rodana pretty much knew her career was over.  Unlike her cousin (that'd be Rodan, if you're wondering), she hadn't had a job since, well, Rodan.  Well, a real acting job, I mean.  They used her as Rodan's stand-in/stunt-double a lot.  You know, for the scenes where Rodan had to be electrocuted or set on fire, stuff like that.

So she started sleeping with Ghidorah on the side.  She thought it'd help her career, and the thing about that big three-headed dragon is that he's a sucker for a pair of wings bigger than his.  And wings Rodana had.  Oh, she had wings . . .

Ahem.  Anyhow, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, Rodana is hanging around the set of . . . uhm, what was it called?  Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster, or something like that.  Me and Mothra's second film together.  Rodan was in it too.  You remember.  Ghidorah's big debut after being Anonymous Monster #2 on many occasions—you might remember his heartrending performance on 90210.

Now Mothra, she's pretty innocent still, hasn't been around that long, you know?  So she starts hanging out with Rodana, talks girl-talk or whatever.  And before we know it, she's showing up to work stoned out of her mind.  Turns out Rodana is a big pot dealer—didn't surprise me and Ghidorah in the least, let me tell you.

Showing up stoned . . . that's low.  I mean, sure, I've come to a shoot drunk before, but only half-drunk, at that.  It was the only way I could get through Godzilla's Revenge, that piece of swill.  But that's another story.

Well, you know how they call marijuana a gateway drug?  I think that poor little moth might've hit the gate once or twice on the way out.  Before I know it, she's showing up with all this white powder on her wings and smoking crack between takes.  Between takes!  Ghidorah told Rodana to get lost, and then she threatened to tell everyone what his middle head likes to do in bed.  (I still haven't heard, so don't ask, but word is it's real kinky.)

So Ghidorah electrocuted Rodana and ate her.  That seems to be his problem solving strategy.  It works sometimes more than others.

Mothra . . . well, she finished up with Ghidorah the Three-Headed Monster, and we never saw her again.  They hired her sister, Mothranukajaharusakamotosobo (we call her Mothy for short), for the next movie.  The last I heard, she put herself in the ER when a crack-fire got a little out of hand and spread to the wings.  And the antennae.  And that big, beautiful ass.  Why are bugs furry, anyway?

This has been the G-Man on the Crack-Moth.