Disclaimer: I own none of the characters or features of Higher Ground, except the following: Emma Morgan, the Rivergliders, Alex, Andrew, James, Leonie, Kristen, Alexis, Fred, Marc, Belle, Billy, the stables, or any other horses in that stable. Don't SUE!
Author's Note: Okay, Julia, I'll try to work you in some more, but I have so many characters as it is, it's really hard, just be patient. Secondly, I'm doing a little resume of what all the characters are up to at this point. It was hard to keep track of them and time, so I started a whole new fresh day. Thirdly, and lastly, I'm so sorry for any unnecessary sappiness. I'm a hopeless romantic, as all my friends know. It's actually kind of sad. I just write situations the way I would like them to turn out if I were in them... well not all, but I write them from the most romantic point of view. All that to say that I'm terribly sorry for some of my silliness. Hee hee hee. Oh, by the way, I'd really like to thank all my reviewers. You guys are soooooooooo cool!!! I love you all with all my heart!!!! LOL
Alex had chased after Emma the day before, but she had disappeared into the girls' dorm and he took it as a sign that she didn't want to talk to him just then. He knew he'd screwed up big time when she didn't even look at him, let alone talk to him, the rest of that day and the next day at school. She wasn't too happy about the fact that they now had a third counselor to deal with, on top of all their personal problems.
It was now Thursday afternoon, a nice, calm day in late March. Shelby and Scott, having been kicked out of the dorm since it wasn't one of the designated days for them to occupy it, were roaming the campus grounds, talking in hushed voices.
Jules was still in the cabin, trying to get over her shock and pain. Auggie no longer visited her since he discovered she still cut. He thought that no amount of his love could help her since the results proved it. She did not give any signs to contradict his thoughts, mainly because she was scared that he was mad at her, or that anything she said would enlarge the rift growing between them. Auggie was sitting on the edge of the lake, drawing the Trackers who were canoeing.
Ezra and Jess, who had become rather good friends, were sitting at a picnic table, talking about all sorts of little subjects. Shelby was actually pretty comfortable with this arrangement. As much as she disliked Ezra, which had significantly lessened in the last little while, she trusted him. She knew he respected the wishes of others and she knew that Jess was very conscious of what she was doing at all times.
David and Daisy were in the process of discussing the latest hiking trip that Peter had planned. It actually wasn't for them, but for the Rivergliders. They were going to have to go on their solos soon, and David and Daisy were looking forward to seeing how they did. David had never done his solo, so he was preparing for the worst: having to join them. He shuddered at the thought. Daisy promised to pack him some surprises to keep him occupied. He thought this was very funny.
Leonie was visiting Andrew. She, like Peter and Sophie, thought that there was a much deeper meaning to his acting out. She was a little scared of him, but was sure that she could beat him up if the occasion arose for her to have to defend herself. He was sleeping when she arrived, so she pulled out a book and read. She had to talk to him and didn't plan on leaving until she did so.
Kristen was still introducing Marc to all the routines, sights, sounds, and people of Horizon. He had only arrived yesterday. Scott was always preoccupied, but if ever Marc had really needed him, he would have been around. Marc understood that Scott wanted to be with Shelby so he left him to that and spent time with Kristen, whom he really liked.
James, who was trying to deal with the arrival of his brother who was withdrawn from him, was on his own in the stands, watching a soccer match between the Sundogs and the Ridgerunners. This is where Alexis found him. He was the kind of guy she really liked. He was upbeat and sunny, but not annoying as Juliette was. She climbed the stands, and they had a little conversation, nothing of particular interest. They talked a lot about siblings, of which they both knew all too much.
Last but not least, there was Emma and Alex. He was trying to locate her to try and patch up whatever kind of relationship they had. He had just about given up trying to get her back when he remembered where they had first talked. He rushed over to the stables. On his way, he found Fred.
"Hey, man, do you know where Emma is?" he asked, just a little quietly.
"Yeah, she's in the barn. Check Belle's stall first, there's a good chance she's in there," he replied, trying his best to be helpful. He had just left the barn where Emma had been in Belle's stall, brushing her, and crying like there was no tomorrow.
"Thanks, Fred," Alex yelled back as he entered the barn. He jogged over to Belle. He looked over the walls of the stall. "Damn it," he muttered, as he found no Emma inside. He began looking in all the other stalls. Each time, cursing under his breath when she wasn't there. He was just about to leave when he heard a sneeze followed by a rather large sob. He thought it came from above him. Right before he was about to declare it impossible, he remembered that there was a hayloft above the stalls. He looked around and located the ladder into the loft. "Finally, a little luck," he said to himself. He climbed the ladder, slowly but surely, not wanting to scare her. When he arrived, he was taken aback by what he saw.
"What are you doing here?" Emma asked. She was sitting on a bale of hay, a used up tissue box beside her and used up Kleenexes strewn about her. She was in her riding attire, wrapped in one of Belle's winter blankets.
"I came here to find you. Look, I don't know why you're mad, but whatever it is, I'm so sorry," he said. He really was sincere.
"You don't know what you're apologizing for?" she asked, disbelievingly. "Well, Alex, let me enlighten you. My sister, the lovely Alexis Morgan," she started, adopting the air of a story-teller telling a gathering of children a fairy-tale, "seems to think that anything or anyone I like is up for her to take. That's not why I'm a wreck. I've had to deal with her at school, at home, even at my own friends' houses and parties, so I doubt dealing with her at Horizon is going to make much difference." She paused to sigh. She looked exhausted. "The reason I'm up here, hiding, if you will, is because you, of all people, seem to enjoy her empty flattery over... over..."
"You?" he tried. She nodded.
"It's just that-" she began, but he
"You are so wrong! I can't believe I would choose her over you. I told you my story! I trust you, don't you think that means something to me?" he looked totally bewildered.
"Yes, but..." she trailed off.
"But what? She doesn't compare to you. Why do you think I've been chasing you for two days?"
"I dunno, how am I supposed to know?" she asked, getting up with a sudden smile. She walked towards him.
"Look, since I can't really ask you out, because well, we're almost like prisoners, would you like to be my girlfriend?" he asked, looking straight into her eyes. There was no doubt in his voice or his eyes. She just smiled, nodded, and leaned in to kiss him. Unfortunately, as she was in a very good mood, she smiled all throughout the kiss, which made both of them laugh. They left the hayloft and walked out of the barn, fingers laced together. They were happy.
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As Andrew lay there, Leonie sat by the bed, holding up a magazine. She wasn't actually reading she was sorting things out in her head. How could he do something like this? She wondered. She was the only one of the Rivergliders who knew of what had happened as Peter had told her. She was the only one who was sticking by him and Peter knew that she would remain his friend. Andrew needed one right now, so Peter related all the events to her. As he predicted, she stood by him, although significantly shaken by her friend's activities.
"You know, it's easier to fake the reading process if you hold the book, or in this case, magazine the right way up," a whisper said from behind the Seventeen Magazine issue Lay was reading.
"I do realize that, but you and I both know this was solely for appearances sake," she replied, lowering it and facing him. There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Why are you here?" he asked, looking around at the infirmary room.
"Because I'm your friend. Because the Cliffhangers are all too mad to visit you and because the Rivergliders don't know what the hell you did. For all they know you might be at home right now, or on shuns," she added as an afterthought.
"Why are the Cliffhangers mad?"
"Because you kissed an engaged member of theirs and because you tried to rape another. Auggie may have given you his share, but I'd watch out for Scott," she said, obviously concerned.
"Nah, he gave me the little 'don't touch my girlfriend' speech," he replied, trying to sound as cool and collected as he could.
"Why did you do it?" she asked, asking the one question that had been bothering her for so long. He just looked at her and then looked away.
"You wouldn't understand. I don't even understand."
"Try me, I bet I'll surprise you."
"Lay, come on. Be realistic! At the first chance they get, they're throwing me into Juvie for attempted rape. We're never going to see each other again. Why even try to understand something that'll only hurt me and possibly even you?" he asked.
"Because I'm curious; because you're my friend; and because..." she trailed off.
"Yes?"
"Never mind. Just tell me," she said resolutely.
"Look, I told you my sister was a hooker, right? Well, I didn't tell you why... did I?" he started stuttering in his nervous state. Lay shook her head, put her elbows on the bed that Andrew was now sitting up on and put her head in her hands. She gave him a reassuring air, so he continued. He had to tell someone, why not her? She was nice and understanding. She wouldn't rat him out. She would help him through it. That was his reasoning... and he was right. "Well, the thing is, she sometimes got into trouble. And I mean a lot of trouble. She'd sometimes call and ask me in a scared voice to meet her at a park or something. She'd come running away from a guy that I often suspected to be her pimp. I would often have to defend her. Do you know how hard that is?" he asked, starting to shake. Lay shook her head to show she didn't, but she had a very understanding look in her eyes. He took strength from this and continued his story. "I couldn't fight him, he would've killed me. He carried a gun. I knew it, she knew it. So I made compromises."
"What sort of compromises?" Lay asked, lifting her head, starting to get worried.
"I had to be a regular client," he said, trailing off. Lay pulled in a sharp breath, covering her mouth. He just nodded. "Patti didn't know, and that was all I needed, if it kept her safe. I started going to him every other night. He'd send me to a girl and we'd..." he stopped here. Lay didn't know what to do; she just got up and started pacing back and forth at the foot of his bed. "It kept him away from Patti, which was all I wanted. That's why I did that," he continued after a short pause. He pronounced "that" with such hatred that Lay stopped pacing and stood there, looking at him. "I didn't mean to. It was just... instinct, I guess."
"I understand," she said. It showed in her eyes that she was serious. All the same, she had her brow furrowed, obviously in deep thought. "Are you going to tell Peter?" He shook his head violently.
"No way, and you can't either! I trusted you! You have to promise me you won't tell. It's my story to tell, and it will only be told when I want it to be told!" he said, getting panicky. She just nodded and turned to walk off. But first, she gave him a quick glance that had fear, pain, and anger mixed into it. She had tears streaming down her face. She turned on her heel and left the room. Andrew lay back down on his bed and covered his face in his hands. It was out!
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"Peter, I've got to talk to her! It's important!" Leonie yelled. She had marched into Peter's office after having regained her composure, but now, she was losing it all over again.
"Look, Juliette is still very sick. She needs calm and as much as I hate to say it, she won't get that from a visit with you," he pointed out gently.
"No, Peter you don't understand. It's about what happened with Andrew. I know why and I have got to talk to Juliette."
"You know why he did that? Leonie, you've got to tell me!" he said, standing up. She was a bit intimidated by his height, but stood her ground all the same.
"I can't. I have Andrew's trust, and I won't betray it. You can put me on shuns, or kick me out, even, but I won't tell. And if you don't let me see Jules, I'll get in on my own!" she yelled, sitting down resolutely, crossing her arms over her chest. Peter smiled at her outburst of emotion. Leonie was normally really calm and collected, but she just lost it completely. I think she needs to talk to Juliette, she's definitely telling the truth here, he thought. Besides, I'll never hear the end of it if she doesn't.
"Fine, you may go. I'm giving you fifteen minutes as it's getting late."
"Thank you, oh powerful one!" she replied sarcastically, getting up and leaving before he could reply.
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"Jules?" she asked tentatively, knocking on the door of the cabin.
"Yes?" she answered back, opening the door, a fake smile plastered to her face. When she saw who it was, or rather who it wasn't, her face fell. "Why are you here? Didn't Peter tell you not to come?" she asked, not being extensively rude in her manner.
"He did, but eventually consented to my visiting as I have very important news."
"And what would that be?"
"The fact that I know why Andrew... you know," Lay answered, looking more and more uncomfortable by the second. "He told me, somehow thinking I was trustworthy. I am, I don't have a choice. I do need to let you know that you didn't do ANYTHING to push him to do it. It was something from his past. It's his issues. He just got carried away and thought he was on the streets. It has to do with his sister. It was all to protect her. He didn't mean anything. He's really a good person. He's just like anyone else here: he has problems. He's going to get through it, he just needs help," she rambled, finally stopping to take a breath. Jules just looked at her, confused to such a point that she was blank.
"I think I understand. It didn't have anything to do with me," she clarified.
"Exactly. Look, I talked to Ezra. He said that Auggie was all depressed because you were cutting. My best friend had the same problem! I totally understand what you're going through! She always cut when she thought she was responsible for something. When she thought she caused her own pain. It was never true with her and it's not true with you!"
"No! You don't understand! I brought him on! Not intentionally, but I didn't tell him no until it was too late! Then I go and push Auggie away because... because... I don't even know why!" she screamed, falling onto the bed, crying hysterically.
"You didn't want to be around him just yet. I get it; it's normal to be in a state of withdrawal when you are faced with such a shock. I understand. I really do. You have to understand that Andrew probably would have done that whether or not you brought him on in any small way. He was on the streets in his mind. He used to... well, I can't say anything more, but it wasn't the Andrew we all know it was his street version. It really wasn't his fault."
"Whatever, I just can't deal with this now. Just leave me!" she said, turning around. She had gotten back up and was now staring her staring her straight in the eyes. Her eyes were full of rage. Lay left her to her own, knowing full well what those devices were and feeling so bad that she had to leave her, but Jules was mad, and staying would result in worse results.
A little later another knock struck the door just as Jules was going to start cutting. She looked up, wondering if they'd leave. As the knocking persisted, she put down the piece of broken glass and stood up. She walked over to the door and opened it.
"Emma! What are you doing here?" she asked, amazed. What's with all these people? She wondered silently.
"I found Lay outside, crying and she said to come and talk to you. Jules, I know what happened. I'm so sorry, hunny!" she said, wrapping her arms around her. They were, after all, half-sisters.
"Emma! I missed you!" she cried into her shoulder. This was their first real time alone since Emma got there, which is kind of hard to believe.
"I know! Come on, you need to get yourself out of this! Jules, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault! You have to understand!"
"I understand, but... it's just so hard!" Jules cried.
"I know, but you're not doing anything for yourself or for anyone around you staying in this state. We're all worried sick about you, and Auggie..."
"What's wrong with him?" she asked, suddenly forgetting all her own pain.
"He's... uh, taking it rather badly. Why did he stop coming to see you?" now Emma was getting weird.
"Emma, do you know why I came here?"
Emma nodded her head. "Bulimia," she said shortly. It was so hard for her to think of her sister to do things like that to herself that it was painful to admit it. Then she saw Juliette's face. "There's more," she said horrified.
"Do you know what self-mutilation is?" Emma's face got horror-struck. "I assume so. I know it sounds totally disgusting. Em, it was the only way I could take the pain away. It was the only way to get it all out of my system."
"I understand," she said through a curtain of blurred tears. She hugged Jules.
"I cut. I started again. Auggie found out and was hurt. I understand him. We're really best friends... and I love him. Em, I really love him," she was now crying too.
"Come on. I think there's someone dying to know you're okay. Jules, you really are fine. I know you, you can get through this, you've gotten through worse!" Jules looked up at her. In her eyes there was hope. A lot of it!
"You're right. If I don't get out now, I never will..." They shared a final tight hug before walking out of Jules's cabin and onto campus grounds, towards Peter's office. Jules had finally reached higher ground.
Author's Note: Okay, Julia, I'll try to work you in some more, but I have so many characters as it is, it's really hard, just be patient. Secondly, I'm doing a little resume of what all the characters are up to at this point. It was hard to keep track of them and time, so I started a whole new fresh day. Thirdly, and lastly, I'm so sorry for any unnecessary sappiness. I'm a hopeless romantic, as all my friends know. It's actually kind of sad. I just write situations the way I would like them to turn out if I were in them... well not all, but I write them from the most romantic point of view. All that to say that I'm terribly sorry for some of my silliness. Hee hee hee. Oh, by the way, I'd really like to thank all my reviewers. You guys are soooooooooo cool!!! I love you all with all my heart!!!! LOL
Alex had chased after Emma the day before, but she had disappeared into the girls' dorm and he took it as a sign that she didn't want to talk to him just then. He knew he'd screwed up big time when she didn't even look at him, let alone talk to him, the rest of that day and the next day at school. She wasn't too happy about the fact that they now had a third counselor to deal with, on top of all their personal problems.
It was now Thursday afternoon, a nice, calm day in late March. Shelby and Scott, having been kicked out of the dorm since it wasn't one of the designated days for them to occupy it, were roaming the campus grounds, talking in hushed voices.
Jules was still in the cabin, trying to get over her shock and pain. Auggie no longer visited her since he discovered she still cut. He thought that no amount of his love could help her since the results proved it. She did not give any signs to contradict his thoughts, mainly because she was scared that he was mad at her, or that anything she said would enlarge the rift growing between them. Auggie was sitting on the edge of the lake, drawing the Trackers who were canoeing.
Ezra and Jess, who had become rather good friends, were sitting at a picnic table, talking about all sorts of little subjects. Shelby was actually pretty comfortable with this arrangement. As much as she disliked Ezra, which had significantly lessened in the last little while, she trusted him. She knew he respected the wishes of others and she knew that Jess was very conscious of what she was doing at all times.
David and Daisy were in the process of discussing the latest hiking trip that Peter had planned. It actually wasn't for them, but for the Rivergliders. They were going to have to go on their solos soon, and David and Daisy were looking forward to seeing how they did. David had never done his solo, so he was preparing for the worst: having to join them. He shuddered at the thought. Daisy promised to pack him some surprises to keep him occupied. He thought this was very funny.
Leonie was visiting Andrew. She, like Peter and Sophie, thought that there was a much deeper meaning to his acting out. She was a little scared of him, but was sure that she could beat him up if the occasion arose for her to have to defend herself. He was sleeping when she arrived, so she pulled out a book and read. She had to talk to him and didn't plan on leaving until she did so.
Kristen was still introducing Marc to all the routines, sights, sounds, and people of Horizon. He had only arrived yesterday. Scott was always preoccupied, but if ever Marc had really needed him, he would have been around. Marc understood that Scott wanted to be with Shelby so he left him to that and spent time with Kristen, whom he really liked.
James, who was trying to deal with the arrival of his brother who was withdrawn from him, was on his own in the stands, watching a soccer match between the Sundogs and the Ridgerunners. This is where Alexis found him. He was the kind of guy she really liked. He was upbeat and sunny, but not annoying as Juliette was. She climbed the stands, and they had a little conversation, nothing of particular interest. They talked a lot about siblings, of which they both knew all too much.
Last but not least, there was Emma and Alex. He was trying to locate her to try and patch up whatever kind of relationship they had. He had just about given up trying to get her back when he remembered where they had first talked. He rushed over to the stables. On his way, he found Fred.
"Hey, man, do you know where Emma is?" he asked, just a little quietly.
"Yeah, she's in the barn. Check Belle's stall first, there's a good chance she's in there," he replied, trying his best to be helpful. He had just left the barn where Emma had been in Belle's stall, brushing her, and crying like there was no tomorrow.
"Thanks, Fred," Alex yelled back as he entered the barn. He jogged over to Belle. He looked over the walls of the stall. "Damn it," he muttered, as he found no Emma inside. He began looking in all the other stalls. Each time, cursing under his breath when she wasn't there. He was just about to leave when he heard a sneeze followed by a rather large sob. He thought it came from above him. Right before he was about to declare it impossible, he remembered that there was a hayloft above the stalls. He looked around and located the ladder into the loft. "Finally, a little luck," he said to himself. He climbed the ladder, slowly but surely, not wanting to scare her. When he arrived, he was taken aback by what he saw.
"What are you doing here?" Emma asked. She was sitting on a bale of hay, a used up tissue box beside her and used up Kleenexes strewn about her. She was in her riding attire, wrapped in one of Belle's winter blankets.
"I came here to find you. Look, I don't know why you're mad, but whatever it is, I'm so sorry," he said. He really was sincere.
"You don't know what you're apologizing for?" she asked, disbelievingly. "Well, Alex, let me enlighten you. My sister, the lovely Alexis Morgan," she started, adopting the air of a story-teller telling a gathering of children a fairy-tale, "seems to think that anything or anyone I like is up for her to take. That's not why I'm a wreck. I've had to deal with her at school, at home, even at my own friends' houses and parties, so I doubt dealing with her at Horizon is going to make much difference." She paused to sigh. She looked exhausted. "The reason I'm up here, hiding, if you will, is because you, of all people, seem to enjoy her empty flattery over... over..."
"You?" he tried. She nodded.
"It's just that-" she began, but he
"You are so wrong! I can't believe I would choose her over you. I told you my story! I trust you, don't you think that means something to me?" he looked totally bewildered.
"Yes, but..." she trailed off.
"But what? She doesn't compare to you. Why do you think I've been chasing you for two days?"
"I dunno, how am I supposed to know?" she asked, getting up with a sudden smile. She walked towards him.
"Look, since I can't really ask you out, because well, we're almost like prisoners, would you like to be my girlfriend?" he asked, looking straight into her eyes. There was no doubt in his voice or his eyes. She just smiled, nodded, and leaned in to kiss him. Unfortunately, as she was in a very good mood, she smiled all throughout the kiss, which made both of them laugh. They left the hayloft and walked out of the barn, fingers laced together. They were happy.
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As Andrew lay there, Leonie sat by the bed, holding up a magazine. She wasn't actually reading she was sorting things out in her head. How could he do something like this? She wondered. She was the only one of the Rivergliders who knew of what had happened as Peter had told her. She was the only one who was sticking by him and Peter knew that she would remain his friend. Andrew needed one right now, so Peter related all the events to her. As he predicted, she stood by him, although significantly shaken by her friend's activities.
"You know, it's easier to fake the reading process if you hold the book, or in this case, magazine the right way up," a whisper said from behind the Seventeen Magazine issue Lay was reading.
"I do realize that, but you and I both know this was solely for appearances sake," she replied, lowering it and facing him. There was an uncomfortable silence.
"Why are you here?" he asked, looking around at the infirmary room.
"Because I'm your friend. Because the Cliffhangers are all too mad to visit you and because the Rivergliders don't know what the hell you did. For all they know you might be at home right now, or on shuns," she added as an afterthought.
"Why are the Cliffhangers mad?"
"Because you kissed an engaged member of theirs and because you tried to rape another. Auggie may have given you his share, but I'd watch out for Scott," she said, obviously concerned.
"Nah, he gave me the little 'don't touch my girlfriend' speech," he replied, trying to sound as cool and collected as he could.
"Why did you do it?" she asked, asking the one question that had been bothering her for so long. He just looked at her and then looked away.
"You wouldn't understand. I don't even understand."
"Try me, I bet I'll surprise you."
"Lay, come on. Be realistic! At the first chance they get, they're throwing me into Juvie for attempted rape. We're never going to see each other again. Why even try to understand something that'll only hurt me and possibly even you?" he asked.
"Because I'm curious; because you're my friend; and because..." she trailed off.
"Yes?"
"Never mind. Just tell me," she said resolutely.
"Look, I told you my sister was a hooker, right? Well, I didn't tell you why... did I?" he started stuttering in his nervous state. Lay shook her head, put her elbows on the bed that Andrew was now sitting up on and put her head in her hands. She gave him a reassuring air, so he continued. He had to tell someone, why not her? She was nice and understanding. She wouldn't rat him out. She would help him through it. That was his reasoning... and he was right. "Well, the thing is, she sometimes got into trouble. And I mean a lot of trouble. She'd sometimes call and ask me in a scared voice to meet her at a park or something. She'd come running away from a guy that I often suspected to be her pimp. I would often have to defend her. Do you know how hard that is?" he asked, starting to shake. Lay shook her head to show she didn't, but she had a very understanding look in her eyes. He took strength from this and continued his story. "I couldn't fight him, he would've killed me. He carried a gun. I knew it, she knew it. So I made compromises."
"What sort of compromises?" Lay asked, lifting her head, starting to get worried.
"I had to be a regular client," he said, trailing off. Lay pulled in a sharp breath, covering her mouth. He just nodded. "Patti didn't know, and that was all I needed, if it kept her safe. I started going to him every other night. He'd send me to a girl and we'd..." he stopped here. Lay didn't know what to do; she just got up and started pacing back and forth at the foot of his bed. "It kept him away from Patti, which was all I wanted. That's why I did that," he continued after a short pause. He pronounced "that" with such hatred that Lay stopped pacing and stood there, looking at him. "I didn't mean to. It was just... instinct, I guess."
"I understand," she said. It showed in her eyes that she was serious. All the same, she had her brow furrowed, obviously in deep thought. "Are you going to tell Peter?" He shook his head violently.
"No way, and you can't either! I trusted you! You have to promise me you won't tell. It's my story to tell, and it will only be told when I want it to be told!" he said, getting panicky. She just nodded and turned to walk off. But first, she gave him a quick glance that had fear, pain, and anger mixed into it. She had tears streaming down her face. She turned on her heel and left the room. Andrew lay back down on his bed and covered his face in his hands. It was out!
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"Peter, I've got to talk to her! It's important!" Leonie yelled. She had marched into Peter's office after having regained her composure, but now, she was losing it all over again.
"Look, Juliette is still very sick. She needs calm and as much as I hate to say it, she won't get that from a visit with you," he pointed out gently.
"No, Peter you don't understand. It's about what happened with Andrew. I know why and I have got to talk to Juliette."
"You know why he did that? Leonie, you've got to tell me!" he said, standing up. She was a bit intimidated by his height, but stood her ground all the same.
"I can't. I have Andrew's trust, and I won't betray it. You can put me on shuns, or kick me out, even, but I won't tell. And if you don't let me see Jules, I'll get in on my own!" she yelled, sitting down resolutely, crossing her arms over her chest. Peter smiled at her outburst of emotion. Leonie was normally really calm and collected, but she just lost it completely. I think she needs to talk to Juliette, she's definitely telling the truth here, he thought. Besides, I'll never hear the end of it if she doesn't.
"Fine, you may go. I'm giving you fifteen minutes as it's getting late."
"Thank you, oh powerful one!" she replied sarcastically, getting up and leaving before he could reply.
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"Jules?" she asked tentatively, knocking on the door of the cabin.
"Yes?" she answered back, opening the door, a fake smile plastered to her face. When she saw who it was, or rather who it wasn't, her face fell. "Why are you here? Didn't Peter tell you not to come?" she asked, not being extensively rude in her manner.
"He did, but eventually consented to my visiting as I have very important news."
"And what would that be?"
"The fact that I know why Andrew... you know," Lay answered, looking more and more uncomfortable by the second. "He told me, somehow thinking I was trustworthy. I am, I don't have a choice. I do need to let you know that you didn't do ANYTHING to push him to do it. It was something from his past. It's his issues. He just got carried away and thought he was on the streets. It has to do with his sister. It was all to protect her. He didn't mean anything. He's really a good person. He's just like anyone else here: he has problems. He's going to get through it, he just needs help," she rambled, finally stopping to take a breath. Jules just looked at her, confused to such a point that she was blank.
"I think I understand. It didn't have anything to do with me," she clarified.
"Exactly. Look, I talked to Ezra. He said that Auggie was all depressed because you were cutting. My best friend had the same problem! I totally understand what you're going through! She always cut when she thought she was responsible for something. When she thought she caused her own pain. It was never true with her and it's not true with you!"
"No! You don't understand! I brought him on! Not intentionally, but I didn't tell him no until it was too late! Then I go and push Auggie away because... because... I don't even know why!" she screamed, falling onto the bed, crying hysterically.
"You didn't want to be around him just yet. I get it; it's normal to be in a state of withdrawal when you are faced with such a shock. I understand. I really do. You have to understand that Andrew probably would have done that whether or not you brought him on in any small way. He was on the streets in his mind. He used to... well, I can't say anything more, but it wasn't the Andrew we all know it was his street version. It really wasn't his fault."
"Whatever, I just can't deal with this now. Just leave me!" she said, turning around. She had gotten back up and was now staring her staring her straight in the eyes. Her eyes were full of rage. Lay left her to her own, knowing full well what those devices were and feeling so bad that she had to leave her, but Jules was mad, and staying would result in worse results.
A little later another knock struck the door just as Jules was going to start cutting. She looked up, wondering if they'd leave. As the knocking persisted, she put down the piece of broken glass and stood up. She walked over to the door and opened it.
"Emma! What are you doing here?" she asked, amazed. What's with all these people? She wondered silently.
"I found Lay outside, crying and she said to come and talk to you. Jules, I know what happened. I'm so sorry, hunny!" she said, wrapping her arms around her. They were, after all, half-sisters.
"Emma! I missed you!" she cried into her shoulder. This was their first real time alone since Emma got there, which is kind of hard to believe.
"I know! Come on, you need to get yourself out of this! Jules, it wasn't your fault. It wasn't your fault! You have to understand!"
"I understand, but... it's just so hard!" Jules cried.
"I know, but you're not doing anything for yourself or for anyone around you staying in this state. We're all worried sick about you, and Auggie..."
"What's wrong with him?" she asked, suddenly forgetting all her own pain.
"He's... uh, taking it rather badly. Why did he stop coming to see you?" now Emma was getting weird.
"Emma, do you know why I came here?"
Emma nodded her head. "Bulimia," she said shortly. It was so hard for her to think of her sister to do things like that to herself that it was painful to admit it. Then she saw Juliette's face. "There's more," she said horrified.
"Do you know what self-mutilation is?" Emma's face got horror-struck. "I assume so. I know it sounds totally disgusting. Em, it was the only way I could take the pain away. It was the only way to get it all out of my system."
"I understand," she said through a curtain of blurred tears. She hugged Jules.
"I cut. I started again. Auggie found out and was hurt. I understand him. We're really best friends... and I love him. Em, I really love him," she was now crying too.
"Come on. I think there's someone dying to know you're okay. Jules, you really are fine. I know you, you can get through this, you've gotten through worse!" Jules looked up at her. In her eyes there was hope. A lot of it!
"You're right. If I don't get out now, I never will..." They shared a final tight hug before walking out of Jules's cabin and onto campus grounds, towards Peter's office. Jules had finally reached higher ground.