OMG! An Update? Yeah! I had previously tried to do this chapter, but the first attempt was damn awful! It was actually embarrassing *_*;;;; It took a few months, a few papers and a screenplay later, and finally the update is here! ^_^
Still waiting for "I'll Take Care Of You" Inspiration ^_^;;;; But I did start the next chapter1
Those of you who like soundtracks with your fics, the image song for this fic is "Always Know Where You Are" from Treasure Planet. Yes, sappy song but I thought it fit.
As always! I don't own Utena! or Saionji or Wakaba
Chapter 4: What is this Trust?
"Fool,"
"...The joke of the Student Council,"
"Good for nothing..."
"...animal...,"
"freak,"
....................................."monster,"...
A pair of purplish grey eyes shot open. Saionji was breathing hard and a cold sweat had broken out across his pale skin. He sat up slowly and looked about the darkened room. The stars shone outside the window and moonlight fell gracefully through the pane of glass behind him. He cast an uncertain look up at the person asleep on the bed next to him. Curled up into a ball under the covers was a quietly snoring Wakaba Shinohara.
How long was it since he had come to stay with her? Two weeks? Three? Yes, three. For three weeks, he had been sleeping on the floor of her dorm room. It seemed so normal to call this little room home now, which was ridiculous of course, but somehow...it just felt normal. It was odd, being taken in by one he had injured so horribly in the past. Given the chance, he would have gone back and stopped himself from embarassing her for such a heartfelt declaration of love. It still brought a twang of guilt to his already wracked brain when he thought about it. How could he have been so cold, so cruel to the only one who honestly cared about him? Because he didn't know. He didn't know anything. That Saionji back there...the one who had been so animalistic and unthinking...the sadistic duelist...the girl beater..he was dead. He had died three weeks ago, but he had been dying since before the first time Saionji changed. A slow, painful death, leaving only this new, inexperienced Saionji in his place.
Saionji gave a shudder and drew his knees up to his chest. He hugged them tightly and rocked slowly back and forth. Looking back on it, it was all a horrible mistake. His whole life had been, one careless mistake after another until his behavior had become so inexcusable...it didn't matter now. He had been expelled. He needn't think about that anymore. That day he thought the castle was coming down...he had been a little relieved when he thought he was going to die. In some twisted part of his mind, he was glad he was being crushed...then..his curse would die with him. No one besides that "prince" would know...he wouldn't pass it on to his children and no one would ever know.
Then, he realized it was an illusion...that he was still alive. Infuriated by this alone, the final straw had been HER! That so called prince, latching onto the emotionless puppet that was the Rose Bride while he, the one she promised to help, lay on the ground like a fool. it had been too much. He'd lost control and hadn't been the same since. He remembered when he first stepped outside the gates of the Academy. He'd felt as though a huge weight had been lifted, but at the same time, an overwhelming despair had taken hold of him. Everything he'd ever been had been either a deception or the result of the lack of personal discipline he had thought kendo would teach him. That was when he realized that he ws a disgusting human being...no...he wasn't a human being, was he? No...he was a freak...a monster...and no one cared about the monster...in all the stories, the people rejoiced when such a creature was "put out of its misery". He remembered how he had sunk to his knees, depressed beyond all definition of the word. Then, a hand had been placed on his shoulder. It sent a tingling sensation through his shoulder, as he was unaccustomed to being touched in such a reassuring way. When he looked to see who it was comforting him, his amazement had been apparent because the now familiar face of Wakaba Shinohara had softened and been encouraging. She had offered him a place to stay. That was more than his so called best friend had ever done.
How could she care for someone so openly cruel to others? She had felt his venomous sting more than anyone, so why did she help him? Is this what it is to love someone?
To help them, no matter what?
How could anyone love him? When he didn't love another living thing, not even himself anymore?
Because she doesn't know.
That thought jolted him back to the present.
He still hadn't told her.
And he was running out of time.
The wall calendar that hung beside Wakaba's bed served as a constant reminder. He had to either tell her tomorrow or wait another month. She deserved to know, he knew that. But, it just might worry her. She might never look at him the same way again. She might hate him.
Why would that matter? Everyone else already does. It would just be another name on the list.
But it did bother him.
He wondered if it was really worth telling her. After all, he could sneak out while she was at an afterschool club. He could leave a message that would say he'd be back the next morning. He could make up an excuse when he thought about it. That seemed like a more simplistic plan and one that was equally effective. He continued the internal debate with himself until Wakaba's alarm sounded.
She rose from her bed as if she were an automotan and went about her morning routine. After a few moments, she stuck her head out of her iny bathroom and said a bubbly "Good Morning" through a mouthful of toothpaste. He had to smile at her. She meant well, but her overzealousness often made Wakaba look immature and childish.
But after spending time with her, Saionji had realized she was childlike, not childish. There was a world of difference.
When Wakaba emerged from the bathroom, she was fully dressed for school and was occupied with pulling her hair into a short ponytail.
Saionji started:
"Hey, Wakaba?"
He would tell her everything, no secrets, he'd just tell her everything, it would feel good to get it all out, he'd....... He'd looked into those enormous, innocent brown eyes and whatever he had been about to say died.
Wakaba blinked twince before asking:
"Saionji-sempai? Is something wrong?"
Saionji swallowed hard. He couldn't do it. he needed something to hold onto and he wasn't about to lose it for the sake of being truthful. Frankly, at such a low point in his life, he needed those innocent brown eyes. They somehow reassured him that everything would be alright, even though their owner did not know of his predicament.
"Na-no-nothing. You just look cute today, that's all,"
He looked off into the corner, a little ashamed of the excuse he made.
Wakaba stared at him dumbly for a moment.
Then her cheeks began to slowly glow bright pink.
There was a knock at the door.
Saionji thanked whatever diety was listening for the interruption and took his customary dive under the bed.
He heard Wakaba make small talk with whoever was at the door. After a few minutes, she left for school with whoever had knocked.
After he was sure they were gone, Saionji punched the floor is frustration. This action was immediately followed by a stifled scream as his nerve endings jolted awake.
Those of you who like soundtracks with your fics, the image song for this fic is "Always Know Where You Are" from Treasure Planet. Yes, sappy song but I thought it fit.
As always! I don't own Utena! or Saionji or Wakaba
Chapter 4: What is this Trust?
"Fool,"
"...The joke of the Student Council,"
"Good for nothing..."
"...animal...,"
"freak,"
....................................."monster,"...
A pair of purplish grey eyes shot open. Saionji was breathing hard and a cold sweat had broken out across his pale skin. He sat up slowly and looked about the darkened room. The stars shone outside the window and moonlight fell gracefully through the pane of glass behind him. He cast an uncertain look up at the person asleep on the bed next to him. Curled up into a ball under the covers was a quietly snoring Wakaba Shinohara.
How long was it since he had come to stay with her? Two weeks? Three? Yes, three. For three weeks, he had been sleeping on the floor of her dorm room. It seemed so normal to call this little room home now, which was ridiculous of course, but somehow...it just felt normal. It was odd, being taken in by one he had injured so horribly in the past. Given the chance, he would have gone back and stopped himself from embarassing her for such a heartfelt declaration of love. It still brought a twang of guilt to his already wracked brain when he thought about it. How could he have been so cold, so cruel to the only one who honestly cared about him? Because he didn't know. He didn't know anything. That Saionji back there...the one who had been so animalistic and unthinking...the sadistic duelist...the girl beater..he was dead. He had died three weeks ago, but he had been dying since before the first time Saionji changed. A slow, painful death, leaving only this new, inexperienced Saionji in his place.
Saionji gave a shudder and drew his knees up to his chest. He hugged them tightly and rocked slowly back and forth. Looking back on it, it was all a horrible mistake. His whole life had been, one careless mistake after another until his behavior had become so inexcusable...it didn't matter now. He had been expelled. He needn't think about that anymore. That day he thought the castle was coming down...he had been a little relieved when he thought he was going to die. In some twisted part of his mind, he was glad he was being crushed...then..his curse would die with him. No one besides that "prince" would know...he wouldn't pass it on to his children and no one would ever know.
Then, he realized it was an illusion...that he was still alive. Infuriated by this alone, the final straw had been HER! That so called prince, latching onto the emotionless puppet that was the Rose Bride while he, the one she promised to help, lay on the ground like a fool. it had been too much. He'd lost control and hadn't been the same since. He remembered when he first stepped outside the gates of the Academy. He'd felt as though a huge weight had been lifted, but at the same time, an overwhelming despair had taken hold of him. Everything he'd ever been had been either a deception or the result of the lack of personal discipline he had thought kendo would teach him. That was when he realized that he ws a disgusting human being...no...he wasn't a human being, was he? No...he was a freak...a monster...and no one cared about the monster...in all the stories, the people rejoiced when such a creature was "put out of its misery". He remembered how he had sunk to his knees, depressed beyond all definition of the word. Then, a hand had been placed on his shoulder. It sent a tingling sensation through his shoulder, as he was unaccustomed to being touched in such a reassuring way. When he looked to see who it was comforting him, his amazement had been apparent because the now familiar face of Wakaba Shinohara had softened and been encouraging. She had offered him a place to stay. That was more than his so called best friend had ever done.
How could she care for someone so openly cruel to others? She had felt his venomous sting more than anyone, so why did she help him? Is this what it is to love someone?
To help them, no matter what?
How could anyone love him? When he didn't love another living thing, not even himself anymore?
Because she doesn't know.
That thought jolted him back to the present.
He still hadn't told her.
And he was running out of time.
The wall calendar that hung beside Wakaba's bed served as a constant reminder. He had to either tell her tomorrow or wait another month. She deserved to know, he knew that. But, it just might worry her. She might never look at him the same way again. She might hate him.
Why would that matter? Everyone else already does. It would just be another name on the list.
But it did bother him.
He wondered if it was really worth telling her. After all, he could sneak out while she was at an afterschool club. He could leave a message that would say he'd be back the next morning. He could make up an excuse when he thought about it. That seemed like a more simplistic plan and one that was equally effective. He continued the internal debate with himself until Wakaba's alarm sounded.
She rose from her bed as if she were an automotan and went about her morning routine. After a few moments, she stuck her head out of her iny bathroom and said a bubbly "Good Morning" through a mouthful of toothpaste. He had to smile at her. She meant well, but her overzealousness often made Wakaba look immature and childish.
But after spending time with her, Saionji had realized she was childlike, not childish. There was a world of difference.
When Wakaba emerged from the bathroom, she was fully dressed for school and was occupied with pulling her hair into a short ponytail.
Saionji started:
"Hey, Wakaba?"
He would tell her everything, no secrets, he'd just tell her everything, it would feel good to get it all out, he'd....... He'd looked into those enormous, innocent brown eyes and whatever he had been about to say died.
Wakaba blinked twince before asking:
"Saionji-sempai? Is something wrong?"
Saionji swallowed hard. He couldn't do it. he needed something to hold onto and he wasn't about to lose it for the sake of being truthful. Frankly, at such a low point in his life, he needed those innocent brown eyes. They somehow reassured him that everything would be alright, even though their owner did not know of his predicament.
"Na-no-nothing. You just look cute today, that's all,"
He looked off into the corner, a little ashamed of the excuse he made.
Wakaba stared at him dumbly for a moment.
Then her cheeks began to slowly glow bright pink.
There was a knock at the door.
Saionji thanked whatever diety was listening for the interruption and took his customary dive under the bed.
He heard Wakaba make small talk with whoever was at the door. After a few minutes, she left for school with whoever had knocked.
After he was sure they were gone, Saionji punched the floor is frustration. This action was immediately followed by a stifled scream as his nerve endings jolted awake.