Sirius's house was huge. He was loaded and I was mad with jealousy. I couldn't help it. Not only did he not have to work to keep his grades up, he also didn't have to work for anything in life. It really was handed to him on a silver platter. I tried not to let it affect my night. I saw Arabella but Remus was visiting family in the Scottish countryside. After an hour or so I had had enough of Sirius and his rowdy, rich friends. I wanted to leave, but as I didn't want to trouble anyone I just decided to take a walk around his grounds until it was ten. Something about the honesty of a clear, cold night always made me smile. There was nothing deceiving about the pitch-black sky and the dots that twinkled in it. I found a bench and sat down. At that moment I knew I shouldn't have worn a dress. It was pretty cold out. I hugged my knees up to my chest and hummed softly.
"And this I know, his teeth as white as snow." I jumped a foot when I heard James singing the words to what I was humming. He laughed at my reaction and I settled down slightly. "What are you doing out here? Weren't you the one who told me that you didn't like to go walking in the cold?"
"I got tired of Sirius's antics and decided that I would waste some time looking at the acres of land he has. What time is it now anyway?" He told me it was 9:15. I sighed inwardly. I didn't know if I would be able to sit there for another 45 minutes. As it was, my butt seemed frozen to the bench. James came and sat down next to me.
"Guess what I have?" He pulled a fleece blanket out from behind him and unraveled it.
"Why on earth do you just happen to have one of those with you? Come on now, don't be a hog." I pulled some up to my nose and just looked out at him, only my eyes showing.
"You are positively silly sometimes, you know that? I didn't just happen to have it either. I saw that you weren't in the house, I went and grabbed it, figuring you would pull something like this." Without thinking of what I was doing, I put my head on his shoulder. It felt so natural and expected that I hadn't even realized I did it until he started to stroke my hair. This was how it was supposed to be…NO! I couldn't let myself think that. I had to focus on what was going on now. But how bad could it be to let someone in and….I couldn't! I couldn't put this on someone else. I couldn't unload my problems on someone else. Someone who was so nice and caring and undeserving. What was i thinking?? Two weeks ago none of this would have ever crossed my mind. The fact of the matter was that two weeks ago none of this would have occurred. Now it did and I had to deal with it. I could deal with it in ten minutes. After all these problems weren't going anywhere. Ten minutes later I took in a deep breath.
"James?"
"Mm?"
"I think I should probably be going now."
"Why? It's not even ten yet. What's five more minutes?" He laid his head on top of mine for a few seconds.
"Five more minutes is frost bite in my toes." I whispered into his ear through the blanket. I still had it wrapped up to my face. He reluctantly picked his head up with an audible sigh. I rolled my eyes in the darkness and handed him back his blanket. "Thanks for the blanket. Hope you had a Happy Christmas." I got up.
"Lily, will you sit and listen to me for a second, before you do what you're best at and run off?" He smirked and continued. "I know you've got a lot to deal with right now. But who's to say that I can't help you with that load? Maybe I think you're worth the time and effort. Did you ever stop to think of that?" This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't handle life on my own. I had been practically independent for a year now, running a household, taking care of my fatally ill mother. Balance that with schoolwork and friends and there's just enough room for sanity. Add in any sort of relationship and it would be too much.
"James, it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I'm flattered that you want to try and help me out, but I really don't want to put any of this on someone who doesn't deserve it. I mean you definitely don't. You might think you know what you're willing to get involved with, but you only know the surface." He reached up and stroked my cheek.
"Do you honestly think you deserve it?"
"I couldn't do this to you, as much as I really wouldn't mind spending more time with you…I just…" I ran. I was starting to cry and I couldn't take it when people saw me cry. I ran all the way back to the house. Jogging in the morning had paid off just then. I found an empty room with a fireplace and made for my place with some Floo Powder.
I got home and made myself some eggs. It's what I did when I was upset. I liked cooking eggs and I liked eating them. They were good.
"And this I know, his teeth as white as snow." I jumped a foot when I heard James singing the words to what I was humming. He laughed at my reaction and I settled down slightly. "What are you doing out here? Weren't you the one who told me that you didn't like to go walking in the cold?"
"I got tired of Sirius's antics and decided that I would waste some time looking at the acres of land he has. What time is it now anyway?" He told me it was 9:15. I sighed inwardly. I didn't know if I would be able to sit there for another 45 minutes. As it was, my butt seemed frozen to the bench. James came and sat down next to me.
"Guess what I have?" He pulled a fleece blanket out from behind him and unraveled it.
"Why on earth do you just happen to have one of those with you? Come on now, don't be a hog." I pulled some up to my nose and just looked out at him, only my eyes showing.
"You are positively silly sometimes, you know that? I didn't just happen to have it either. I saw that you weren't in the house, I went and grabbed it, figuring you would pull something like this." Without thinking of what I was doing, I put my head on his shoulder. It felt so natural and expected that I hadn't even realized I did it until he started to stroke my hair. This was how it was supposed to be…NO! I couldn't let myself think that. I had to focus on what was going on now. But how bad could it be to let someone in and….I couldn't! I couldn't put this on someone else. I couldn't unload my problems on someone else. Someone who was so nice and caring and undeserving. What was i thinking?? Two weeks ago none of this would have ever crossed my mind. The fact of the matter was that two weeks ago none of this would have occurred. Now it did and I had to deal with it. I could deal with it in ten minutes. After all these problems weren't going anywhere. Ten minutes later I took in a deep breath.
"James?"
"Mm?"
"I think I should probably be going now."
"Why? It's not even ten yet. What's five more minutes?" He laid his head on top of mine for a few seconds.
"Five more minutes is frost bite in my toes." I whispered into his ear through the blanket. I still had it wrapped up to my face. He reluctantly picked his head up with an audible sigh. I rolled my eyes in the darkness and handed him back his blanket. "Thanks for the blanket. Hope you had a Happy Christmas." I got up.
"Lily, will you sit and listen to me for a second, before you do what you're best at and run off?" He smirked and continued. "I know you've got a lot to deal with right now. But who's to say that I can't help you with that load? Maybe I think you're worth the time and effort. Did you ever stop to think of that?" This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I didn't want anyone to think that I couldn't handle life on my own. I had been practically independent for a year now, running a household, taking care of my fatally ill mother. Balance that with schoolwork and friends and there's just enough room for sanity. Add in any sort of relationship and it would be too much.
"James, it's not that I don't appreciate the gesture. I'm flattered that you want to try and help me out, but I really don't want to put any of this on someone who doesn't deserve it. I mean you definitely don't. You might think you know what you're willing to get involved with, but you only know the surface." He reached up and stroked my cheek.
"Do you honestly think you deserve it?"
"I couldn't do this to you, as much as I really wouldn't mind spending more time with you…I just…" I ran. I was starting to cry and I couldn't take it when people saw me cry. I ran all the way back to the house. Jogging in the morning had paid off just then. I found an empty room with a fireplace and made for my place with some Floo Powder.
I got home and made myself some eggs. It's what I did when I was upset. I liked cooking eggs and I liked eating them. They were good.