When he arrived an hour later, I still hadn't moved from the couch. My owl had returned much earlier. He knew.
"Wanna talk about it? Or maybe just pretend like everything is fine for a while?" He knew I would choose the latter. He knew something had hurt me. He knew I wouldn't have contacted him otherwise.
I sighed deeply. "I just...I don't know. I can't...think right now. There's so much to think about, but I can't even have one ...complete thought..." James sat down next to me, and it was just in time too. I suddenly felt the urge to start sobbing and I did. James pulled me to him accordingly and we sat like that for quite some time. When I finally finished bawling my eyes out on James's chest, I rested my head for a second and looked at the clock. I had been crying for an hour and a half. I sat up and wiped my eyes. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know what came over me." I cleared my throat.
"Lily, it's fine. You need to get the stupid notion that crying is a sign of weakness out of your head. I'm actually really glad you called on me. Even if it was just for that." He never blinked once while he spoke and the intensity of our gaze was unnerving. It made me feel something I hadn't felt in years. Was it...love?
"Well, let me just say thanks for sitting there for an hour and a half without interrupting me or anything. I'll be right back. Let me go wash my face and then we can go do something if you like." I got up and went into the bathroom. When I shut the door I sat down on the ground and fought back more tears. What did he think he was doing? I couldn't allow myself to think someone cared. The only person who ever cared died when I was twelve. After that there was nothing. James didn't know what kind of hopes he was toying with. But what if he wasn't toying with them? No, I couldn't feed the hope like that. I shook my head and got up and washed my face. When I came out of the bathroom I suddenly realized how tired I really was. I yawned a big, lion's yawn in mid-stride.
James chuckled. "I was going to ask you if you realized what time it was when you owled me. If you want to take a nap, that is more than fine with me. I'm pretty tired myself." He said this while petting the sofa. I was tired of the internal struggle. I was tired of the mental war going on over this. I just didn't want to care anymore and for the rest of the day, I had decided, I wouldn't. I came and plopped down next to him on the couch. He seemed pretty surprised that there were no protests from me.
"Actually, I'll take you up on that nap. I worked a double yesterday and I didn't get to sleep until one. I've had about 5 and half hours of sleep. I think a nap would be great." A yawn came involuntarily and took the next words from me, leaving me glassy-eyed and sleepier than before.
"Why don't you go in on your bed? I'm sure you haven't seen it much this holiday. It would probably be much more comfortable." I knew I should've gone into my room and let him stay on the couch, but I needed to be close to him. I didn't know why, but it was soothing. I only shook my head in response and sunk lower in my seat.
"Well if you aren't going anywhere at least lay down. You're going to end up with Scoliosis like that." I couldn't help but laugh at James's mother hen impression. It was so cute and exactly what I needed to take my mind off the current situation that I really didn't even mind that I was switching positions so that I was resting my head on James's shoulder. He grinned sleepily and put his arm around me. After a few minutes I fell asleep rather comfortably so.
When I awoke it was dark. I was curled up on one arm of the couch. Something felt amiss. Where was James? I looked to the other end of the couch and saw him sitting on the arm watching me contentedly.
"What time is it?" I had a blanket now and I wrapped it around me tighter as I found how chilly it was in the apartment.
"Well my dear, it's 7:45. I guess you needed more than a nap." He came down from the arm of the couch and sat on the table, directly in front of me. "You feeling better? Still wanna pretend everything's ok?" He smirked at me and pushed some hair out of my face. I nodded. "Want to go back to sleep or what?" I stretched at his question and sat up.
"I think I'm good now. I really needed that I guess. Quarter to eight huh? How long have you been awake? I hope you didn't just sit there waiting for me to get up. I mean you should've just gone or woke me up or something." My head was still fuzzy. Before he could answer the phone rang. I looked at it for a moment and then picked up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Lily dear? That you?"
"Who else would pick up the phone mum? How are you? Feeling any better? Did you talk to the Doctor?"
"I'm very tired. I'm not in as much pain as I was earlier, but I'm tired. My doctor is on holiday right now. The other doctor...what's his name, Dr. Jacobson? He told me I wasn't in the best shape. I figured as much. He said he talked to you about this too. I'm glad. He told you...about my...decision?"
There was a pause. "Yes, mum. He told me you decided against the transplant." I looked up at James who couldn't help but listen, try as hard as he might to seem preoccupied with his fingers. "I just want to tell you that...that I think maybe, it's for the best. I can understand why you would decline."
"Yes, well truthfully Lily, I didn't really see any reason to become hopeful. Transplants don't usually last for very long and as it is I would be so far down the list that I don't see myself getting one in time. Anyway, you've practically raised yourself ever since...since uh..."
"Dad died?"
"Yes. That. Anyway, I don't really think you need me anymore. My doctor should be coming back in a few days. I'll give you a call after I speak with him. He might want to talk to you too. Well I'm gonna go now sweetie." She did the patented Samantha Evans hang up and the click of the receiver on the other end made me wince.
"I don't understand why it's so hard for her to have a conversation that lasts longer than 30 seconds." I sighed. "So, what do you feel like doing? We have the whole night in front of us basically." I wasn't quite sure why I didn't just tell him I was all set and push him out the door. I guess he was wondering the same.
"You mean...you're not objecting to spending any time with me? Is this...a breakthrough? Should I call someone? Do I need a witness for this?" His feigned shock made me laugh. "Well, I don't really care as long as you're gonna be here." He smiled sweetly and came to sit next to me. I felt the blush creeping over my face.
"James you're such a goof. Seriously though, what are you up for? I don't feel like sitting around here and moping or sleeping right now. Cinema, theatre?...Don't make a face. It was only a suggestion. A walk even?" As soon as I had suggested it I mentally slapped myself.
"Oh no, it's too cold. It would be awkward." James mocked my voice and made a sour face.
"OK, alright. I guess I deserved that. Truth be told, I guess you were right partly. I was a little scared. But lately I find myself thinking, 'Is it really that much harder?' or 'What's really so different?'...So what about that walk then?" I got up before there could be any sort of 'moment' and made for my room to get my coat. I turned around after retrieving it and saw that James had followed me. I started to feel a little nervous due to a strange look he now had on his face.
"Are you saying that...that there could be ...a chance of something possibly between us...besides chance meetings and forced intervals of hanging out?" He grabbed my hand. I didn't know what to say. A no could be damaging to what I was getting used to and a yes could hurl me into a relationship I wasn't exactly ready for.
"Wanna talk about it? Or maybe just pretend like everything is fine for a while?" He knew I would choose the latter. He knew something had hurt me. He knew I wouldn't have contacted him otherwise.
I sighed deeply. "I just...I don't know. I can't...think right now. There's so much to think about, but I can't even have one ...complete thought..." James sat down next to me, and it was just in time too. I suddenly felt the urge to start sobbing and I did. James pulled me to him accordingly and we sat like that for quite some time. When I finally finished bawling my eyes out on James's chest, I rested my head for a second and looked at the clock. I had been crying for an hour and a half. I sat up and wiped my eyes. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know what came over me." I cleared my throat.
"Lily, it's fine. You need to get the stupid notion that crying is a sign of weakness out of your head. I'm actually really glad you called on me. Even if it was just for that." He never blinked once while he spoke and the intensity of our gaze was unnerving. It made me feel something I hadn't felt in years. Was it...love?
"Well, let me just say thanks for sitting there for an hour and a half without interrupting me or anything. I'll be right back. Let me go wash my face and then we can go do something if you like." I got up and went into the bathroom. When I shut the door I sat down on the ground and fought back more tears. What did he think he was doing? I couldn't allow myself to think someone cared. The only person who ever cared died when I was twelve. After that there was nothing. James didn't know what kind of hopes he was toying with. But what if he wasn't toying with them? No, I couldn't feed the hope like that. I shook my head and got up and washed my face. When I came out of the bathroom I suddenly realized how tired I really was. I yawned a big, lion's yawn in mid-stride.
James chuckled. "I was going to ask you if you realized what time it was when you owled me. If you want to take a nap, that is more than fine with me. I'm pretty tired myself." He said this while petting the sofa. I was tired of the internal struggle. I was tired of the mental war going on over this. I just didn't want to care anymore and for the rest of the day, I had decided, I wouldn't. I came and plopped down next to him on the couch. He seemed pretty surprised that there were no protests from me.
"Actually, I'll take you up on that nap. I worked a double yesterday and I didn't get to sleep until one. I've had about 5 and half hours of sleep. I think a nap would be great." A yawn came involuntarily and took the next words from me, leaving me glassy-eyed and sleepier than before.
"Why don't you go in on your bed? I'm sure you haven't seen it much this holiday. It would probably be much more comfortable." I knew I should've gone into my room and let him stay on the couch, but I needed to be close to him. I didn't know why, but it was soothing. I only shook my head in response and sunk lower in my seat.
"Well if you aren't going anywhere at least lay down. You're going to end up with Scoliosis like that." I couldn't help but laugh at James's mother hen impression. It was so cute and exactly what I needed to take my mind off the current situation that I really didn't even mind that I was switching positions so that I was resting my head on James's shoulder. He grinned sleepily and put his arm around me. After a few minutes I fell asleep rather comfortably so.
When I awoke it was dark. I was curled up on one arm of the couch. Something felt amiss. Where was James? I looked to the other end of the couch and saw him sitting on the arm watching me contentedly.
"What time is it?" I had a blanket now and I wrapped it around me tighter as I found how chilly it was in the apartment.
"Well my dear, it's 7:45. I guess you needed more than a nap." He came down from the arm of the couch and sat on the table, directly in front of me. "You feeling better? Still wanna pretend everything's ok?" He smirked at me and pushed some hair out of my face. I nodded. "Want to go back to sleep or what?" I stretched at his question and sat up.
"I think I'm good now. I really needed that I guess. Quarter to eight huh? How long have you been awake? I hope you didn't just sit there waiting for me to get up. I mean you should've just gone or woke me up or something." My head was still fuzzy. Before he could answer the phone rang. I looked at it for a moment and then picked up the receiver.
"Hello?"
"Lily dear? That you?"
"Who else would pick up the phone mum? How are you? Feeling any better? Did you talk to the Doctor?"
"I'm very tired. I'm not in as much pain as I was earlier, but I'm tired. My doctor is on holiday right now. The other doctor...what's his name, Dr. Jacobson? He told me I wasn't in the best shape. I figured as much. He said he talked to you about this too. I'm glad. He told you...about my...decision?"
There was a pause. "Yes, mum. He told me you decided against the transplant." I looked up at James who couldn't help but listen, try as hard as he might to seem preoccupied with his fingers. "I just want to tell you that...that I think maybe, it's for the best. I can understand why you would decline."
"Yes, well truthfully Lily, I didn't really see any reason to become hopeful. Transplants don't usually last for very long and as it is I would be so far down the list that I don't see myself getting one in time. Anyway, you've practically raised yourself ever since...since uh..."
"Dad died?"
"Yes. That. Anyway, I don't really think you need me anymore. My doctor should be coming back in a few days. I'll give you a call after I speak with him. He might want to talk to you too. Well I'm gonna go now sweetie." She did the patented Samantha Evans hang up and the click of the receiver on the other end made me wince.
"I don't understand why it's so hard for her to have a conversation that lasts longer than 30 seconds." I sighed. "So, what do you feel like doing? We have the whole night in front of us basically." I wasn't quite sure why I didn't just tell him I was all set and push him out the door. I guess he was wondering the same.
"You mean...you're not objecting to spending any time with me? Is this...a breakthrough? Should I call someone? Do I need a witness for this?" His feigned shock made me laugh. "Well, I don't really care as long as you're gonna be here." He smiled sweetly and came to sit next to me. I felt the blush creeping over my face.
"James you're such a goof. Seriously though, what are you up for? I don't feel like sitting around here and moping or sleeping right now. Cinema, theatre?...Don't make a face. It was only a suggestion. A walk even?" As soon as I had suggested it I mentally slapped myself.
"Oh no, it's too cold. It would be awkward." James mocked my voice and made a sour face.
"OK, alright. I guess I deserved that. Truth be told, I guess you were right partly. I was a little scared. But lately I find myself thinking, 'Is it really that much harder?' or 'What's really so different?'...So what about that walk then?" I got up before there could be any sort of 'moment' and made for my room to get my coat. I turned around after retrieving it and saw that James had followed me. I started to feel a little nervous due to a strange look he now had on his face.
"Are you saying that...that there could be ...a chance of something possibly between us...besides chance meetings and forced intervals of hanging out?" He grabbed my hand. I didn't know what to say. A no could be damaging to what I was getting used to and a yes could hurl me into a relationship I wasn't exactly ready for.