"Possibly. James, don't get the wrong idea. I still feel some of the same foreboding I had since the question presented itself, but all I'm saying is that maybe I wasn't really thinking about it in the right way. Or maybe it's not as difficult as I was making it out to be...I don't know what I'm thinking now really. It's just all...different..." At this point in my ramblings I looked up, and depending on what way I looked at it, it was either a mistake or a conscious decision. Something that looked like hope, the very same hope I was trying to distinguish in myself, was clear on James's face. What if he wasn't toying... "All I'm saying...is...I..." I never finished that thought, never mind the sentence. I reached up and touched his face. As soon as I did an alarm went off in my head. What was I doing? How did I know things would work out? Was it worth the risk? What if he was only messing around? Then amidst all the questions a calm, serene voice came through. It was my own. "I don't know. And it's ok." I hadn't realized that I said this aloud as well as in my head. James smiled sublimely and took my hand from his face. He kissed it and held it in his own.
"That's what I've been waiting to hear." James pulled me into a hug. At this moment a song suddenly burst into my head. It was all but too fitting. "Undo" by Bjork. As I stood engulfed in two strong, and now familiar forearms the lyrics repeated in my head; "It's not meant to be a strife/It's not meant to be a struggle uphill/Surrender, undo/ I'm praying/To be/In a generous mood/To share me."
(A/N: Use your imaginations people... Go head, gasp at me. Whatever, people this age DO have sex. Besides which y'all might be thinking Lily changed her mind rather quickly. On the contrary. She was having a struggle. To love or deny. To love would be completely.)
I woke up to the sound of the wind howling against the window. It took me a second to recognize my surroundings. It was my room, no wonder I had trouble placing it. I hadn't slept here since before my mother was diagnosed. Before then I was prisoner to this cell. It was my sanctuary and it was my cage. I was protected from what lie outside but kept from what beauty there still was in the world. A breath on my neck. He was still here. I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 4:00 AM. I had more time to sleep before work, but I wasn't tired. If I got up he would stir. In the back of my head there was still a fear, some hidden thought that maybe, he might just leave when he's seen what he's done. I turned over to make sure this wasn't just a dream or illusion. He was snoring softly into the baby hairs on my neck. I took my free arm and traced his arm that crossed my stomach. I watched him sleep for quite some time. The only thing that pulled me out of my trance was my bladder. I had no choice but to get up now.
The tiles on the floor in the bathroom were a rude awakening of how cold it was compared to my rug. Right before I was to leave I looked into the mirror. Who was I? Who was I, of all people, to think I could have any type of happiness...just like that? There had to be a catch. No. I forced the thought from my mind. It IS possible. It had to be possible. After all, hadn't I struggled my whole life? I was tired of thinking that I wasn't ever going to be happy or that I was never meant to be. I was tired of having a plan and I was tired of doing it all alone. I opened my bedroom door and stopped in my tracks. Would I ever see this sight again? Was this just a one-time deal? Was it something I would see every day for the rest of my life? I didn't know and that was a great feeling. I was starting to appreciate spontaneity. I honestly would prefer not to have it be a spur of the moment thing that would never be repeated. I was growing very, VERY fond of James and that both frightened and comforted me. It gave me something to look forward to but at the same time there was always the possibility of more pain.
"What are you doing standing there like a madwoman? It's freezing out there." James had woken up and saw me taking in the scene before me. He pulled the comforter up over his shoulders. "Come on." He nodded his head, beckoning me in his direction. I smirked and headed over. I decided right then that I definitely could get used to this.
"You know it's not really that cold out. You're body temperature is just low since you've been sleeping." I crawled in and took some of the blanket.
"Oh well are we a smarty pants?" He wrapped his arms around me and we lie for a while, just thinking. "Lily? There's something I want to make clear. This, what happened here, it wasn't just your run-of-the-mill one-night stand. I know what people say about me at school. I'm not deaf to the gossip. People say Sirius and me will do anything for some tail. It's not true. I don't want you to think that. It's so different this time; I can't even explain it really. I guess it's because you're so different from anyone I've dated. Lily, I honestly don't think that I could date you." The words cut like ice. "I mean, if you really think about it, dating makes everything harder. There's the awkwardness and the formalities. Lily, I feel like I could just be me around you all the time. I don't want to cheapen that with silly dates where I'm supposed to put my best foot forward. It's pointless." As James kept going I felt myself getting sleepy again. As soon as he had elaborated on his statement about not dating me I had felt relief wash over me. I rested my head on the pillow as he continued to talk. "Lily, you still with me?" I nodded. He kissed the top of my head. "Good, because I know I've been rambling, but I want you to hear this part OK?" I nodded again. "I'll admit, I've had my fair share of girlfriends, but this is different. I've never told any of them what I'm about to tell you, and it doesn't scare me at all. I know you're not gonna believe me, but I'm willing to try and convince you that I love you. I can't explain it, I know we've only known each other for a little while, but I can feel it." Was life really supposed to be this good?
"That's what I've been waiting to hear." James pulled me into a hug. At this moment a song suddenly burst into my head. It was all but too fitting. "Undo" by Bjork. As I stood engulfed in two strong, and now familiar forearms the lyrics repeated in my head; "It's not meant to be a strife/It's not meant to be a struggle uphill/Surrender, undo/ I'm praying/To be/In a generous mood/To share me."
(A/N: Use your imaginations people... Go head, gasp at me. Whatever, people this age DO have sex. Besides which y'all might be thinking Lily changed her mind rather quickly. On the contrary. She was having a struggle. To love or deny. To love would be completely.)
I woke up to the sound of the wind howling against the window. It took me a second to recognize my surroundings. It was my room, no wonder I had trouble placing it. I hadn't slept here since before my mother was diagnosed. Before then I was prisoner to this cell. It was my sanctuary and it was my cage. I was protected from what lie outside but kept from what beauty there still was in the world. A breath on my neck. He was still here. I looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was 4:00 AM. I had more time to sleep before work, but I wasn't tired. If I got up he would stir. In the back of my head there was still a fear, some hidden thought that maybe, he might just leave when he's seen what he's done. I turned over to make sure this wasn't just a dream or illusion. He was snoring softly into the baby hairs on my neck. I took my free arm and traced his arm that crossed my stomach. I watched him sleep for quite some time. The only thing that pulled me out of my trance was my bladder. I had no choice but to get up now.
The tiles on the floor in the bathroom were a rude awakening of how cold it was compared to my rug. Right before I was to leave I looked into the mirror. Who was I? Who was I, of all people, to think I could have any type of happiness...just like that? There had to be a catch. No. I forced the thought from my mind. It IS possible. It had to be possible. After all, hadn't I struggled my whole life? I was tired of thinking that I wasn't ever going to be happy or that I was never meant to be. I was tired of having a plan and I was tired of doing it all alone. I opened my bedroom door and stopped in my tracks. Would I ever see this sight again? Was this just a one-time deal? Was it something I would see every day for the rest of my life? I didn't know and that was a great feeling. I was starting to appreciate spontaneity. I honestly would prefer not to have it be a spur of the moment thing that would never be repeated. I was growing very, VERY fond of James and that both frightened and comforted me. It gave me something to look forward to but at the same time there was always the possibility of more pain.
"What are you doing standing there like a madwoman? It's freezing out there." James had woken up and saw me taking in the scene before me. He pulled the comforter up over his shoulders. "Come on." He nodded his head, beckoning me in his direction. I smirked and headed over. I decided right then that I definitely could get used to this.
"You know it's not really that cold out. You're body temperature is just low since you've been sleeping." I crawled in and took some of the blanket.
"Oh well are we a smarty pants?" He wrapped his arms around me and we lie for a while, just thinking. "Lily? There's something I want to make clear. This, what happened here, it wasn't just your run-of-the-mill one-night stand. I know what people say about me at school. I'm not deaf to the gossip. People say Sirius and me will do anything for some tail. It's not true. I don't want you to think that. It's so different this time; I can't even explain it really. I guess it's because you're so different from anyone I've dated. Lily, I honestly don't think that I could date you." The words cut like ice. "I mean, if you really think about it, dating makes everything harder. There's the awkwardness and the formalities. Lily, I feel like I could just be me around you all the time. I don't want to cheapen that with silly dates where I'm supposed to put my best foot forward. It's pointless." As James kept going I felt myself getting sleepy again. As soon as he had elaborated on his statement about not dating me I had felt relief wash over me. I rested my head on the pillow as he continued to talk. "Lily, you still with me?" I nodded. He kissed the top of my head. "Good, because I know I've been rambling, but I want you to hear this part OK?" I nodded again. "I'll admit, I've had my fair share of girlfriends, but this is different. I've never told any of them what I'm about to tell you, and it doesn't scare me at all. I know you're not gonna believe me, but I'm willing to try and convince you that I love you. I can't explain it, I know we've only known each other for a little while, but I can feel it." Was life really supposed to be this good?