Chapter 8: New Tetra Order
(Two figures, one looking kinda like a bird, and the other with a pointy hat and strange cloths come walking out of the temple. )
Link: hey man just how much did we get paid for this gig anyways?
Medli: about 500 rupies.
Link: oh good. For a minute I think we were getting screwed...
???: ATTACK!!!!
(all the space pirates jump out of their hiding places. Link and Medli turn to run but are brutally beaten and successfully detained by the space pirates)
(tetra comes walking out from behind a rock behind them.)
Tetra: HAHAHAHA so Medli thought you could steal my sex toy and outwit the imperious forces of Planet Zebes? Well you were wrong. Turn around please. *sticks nose in the air and gives the "I'm a snot" look to the sky.*
("Link" and "Medli" turn around only to reveal that they are in fact... Prince Komali (who's in Medli's cloths) and tingle. As the space pirates are escorting the fake link and the fake Medli to where tetra is, The REAL link and the REAL Medli (who's wearing a different dress), are seen sneaking out of the Temple, up the rocks, and around the back of the island))
Tetra: What a pity, What a pity Too bad neither of you will live this. (Turns all the way around and starts to take her pants off) You will both lose your virginity, your peanut cheese bars, and your lives.. HAHAHAHAHA!!! (after taking panties off, she turns around to face the fake link and the fake Medli. She jumps back about 3 feet in sheer shock)
Tetra: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!
(after a few moments of silence, in which in the VERY far back, the REAL link and Medli are seen taking off in a cloaked King of Red Arwings in the opposite direction. They disappear into the sun after a few minutes)
Tetra: YOU IDIOTS!!! These are not them! You've captured... THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!!!!!
(King of Red Arwings)
Link: Geez that was a close one. Good thing you thought of that idea back there.
Medli: no... good thing that Komali and Tingle are both arrogant pricks that like spying on people for no apparent reason.
Link: still, if it wasn't for your Idea, we would have BOTH been screwed. Figuratively AND literally.
Medli: Yeah.
KORA: umm... I love to break in here and change the subject, but why the hell would tetra wanna rape link anyhow? I mean geez all she's ever done is Beat him to a pulp.
Medli: well... come to think of it he HAS gotten a lot sexier since last month.
Link: me? HA! You've gotten to be a downright knockout!
Medli: (blushes) oh you!
Link: (laughs)
KORA: Umm.. so, umm... now that tetra knows that those guys aren't us... now where we go?
Link: uh... what about umm... Afganistan?
Medli: HELL NO!!!
Link: umm... sorry then.
Meldi: well, what about Iraq?
Link + Kora: HELL NO!!!
Medli: sorry.
Link: well... umm...
The Devil: How bout Hell?
Everybody in ship: HEAVEN NO!!!
The Devil: #$@#$!@#%$#@%#$%@#$^#Q$@!#!!!
Kora: lets go to umm... what was that place again... Four-Ass Haven?
Link: hmmm... I don't know...
Medli: ah what the hell it sounds far better than anything else said here so far.
(Four ass Haven)
Lamear: oh hi there swordsman...
Linder: umm... yeah... hi...
Link: (to Medli) you'd think they'd be a lot more happy to see me.
Medli: (to link) I don't like this place. It seems a bit... creepy. I mean...
Link: well we have no other places to stay.
Great Deku Tree: I'm sorry, miss... uh...
Medli: Medli
Great Deku Tree: Medli. It seems my Korok Children have gotten some strange disease. Don't worry you two, it only effects Koroks. I assure you that tetra and her band of demons from the skies have no power here. You two must be tired. Let Linder and Lamear show you to your rooms.
(Linder leads link to one room, which smells a bit funny. Making him slightly suspicious.)
Linder: sorry sir it must be the smell of rotting wood.
Link: uhhh ok.
(Lamear leads Medli to another room, which is farther away and down the starts from links)
(after showing them their rooms, Linder and Lamear are seen meeting with a unknown hooded figure in an isolated spot with yet another Korok, who's name is unknown. Unknown Korok is apparently making some kind of juice out of some kind of berries and leaves)
Linder: ok, we've gotten them to their rooms master.
Hooded guy (or is it a girl?): Are they totally unaware of our plans?
Lamear: Medli seems totally unaware my master.
Hooded guy/girl: Excellent. And Link?
Linder: he seems a little more suspicious, but knows nothing.
Hooded Guy/Girl: hmm... Put a slight bit less in his.
Linder: My lord forgive me but wouldn't that make the sedatives ineffective.
Hooded Guy/Girl: I guess there is a threat of that. (takes something out of her/his cloak.) Use this if he does not become sedated enough.
Linder: but... I thought you wanted him alive?
Hooded Guy/Girl: Yes I do. This is a gun filled with sleeping agent darts. I would like him to remain a little conscious while I work him, but if I cannot afford that luxury I guess I will have to do it later in a different place.
Lamear: you told us your plan with link... but what about the winged girl?
Hooded Guy/Girl: The sedatives will make her loose touch with her conscious mind. She will then be as helpless as a sheep in a bear cave. You can have your ways with her as you wish. Kill her after you're done.
(all the koroks groan)
everyone but the hooded dude: awww do we have to?
Hooded Guy/Girl: I'm afraid you do. The sedatives will not last forever. If you leave her alive she will come to here senses eventually. If that is to ever happen, she could destroy us. No, she cannot be allowed to live.
Lamear: and the Author?
Hooded Guy/Girl: He might make a problem for you, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Cinte: they are done, master.
Hooded Guy/Girl: excellent. You know what to do now.
(Link and Medli are both served the poison drinks)
Link: Hey wait a minute... this shit tastes strange... OH MY GOD!!! I'VE BEEN BUGGED! YOU! YOU'RE AN AGENT OF TETRA! DIE YOU-
(Linder shoots link with the Dart gun he got from the Hooded Guy/Girl.)
Linder: Ah well... time to have some fun ^_^
(while Linder leaves the room, link is having a strange dream...)
(Link is standing In the middle of a big, Black room (you know the kind that you see when people talk to you about the triforce, gannon, master sword, etc in normal Zelda games? Link is looking around when a mysterious voice rings out from beyond...)
???: Liiiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk.....
Link: Wha? Where Am I? What is this place?
???: Link, This is the author of the story speaking to you.
Link: Yes satan?
Rylasasin: NO NO NO THAT'S NOT MY NAME YOU ASS!!!
Link: well you may as well be for what you wrote up there, RylASSasin!
Rylasasin: what??? I needed to make a plot for myself
Link: NOOOO!!!! GET ME OUT HERE!!!! I NEED TO SAVE HER!!!
Rylasasin: she's just fine... for right now anyways.. I need to tell you some things.
(Meanwhile, Medli's room)
(Medli is clutching her head as if she's trying to force something to out of it)
Linder: this sucks. Its been a half-hour, and she's STILL not cracked yet.
Lamear: I say we just-
Cinte: No, its working. She's strong, I'll give her that. We have to wait this out. If we rush in the poison will flow too much and it might affect us too. Wait.
Linder: FINE...
(link's dream)
Rylasasin: ...she's using a spell on the Koroks to make them obey her. Medli has now lost her mind to the poison unfourtunately..
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Rylasasin: Calm down! There is still time. The poison is not lethal, it will wear off in less than an hour. I will use my author power to boost you back to conciousness.
(a Bright light fills the room)
Link: wait I-
(Medli's room)
Linder: I've had enough of this. Cinte, your poison is not working at all-
(Medli suddenly lets out a slight grunt and falls to the floor)
Cinte: you were saying something about my poison not being of any effect...
Linder: shut up.
Lamer-umm I mean Lamear: alright! Now for some fun! I call 'gina!
Cinte: I call mouth!
Linder: fuck you two. I always get the ass.
Lamear: we never do this.
Linder: huh? Oh yeah.
(Link's room)
(Link is lying on the floor face-flat, eyes closed. Suddenly, both eyes open in shock. He gets up immediately)
Link: could he be telling the truth? Oh my god, Medli!
Will link and Medli escape Four-ass Haven? Or will tetra and her korok allies have their way? Find out in the next Icky episode of Wind Wanker!
(Two figures, one looking kinda like a bird, and the other with a pointy hat and strange cloths come walking out of the temple. )
Link: hey man just how much did we get paid for this gig anyways?
Medli: about 500 rupies.
Link: oh good. For a minute I think we were getting screwed...
???: ATTACK!!!!
(all the space pirates jump out of their hiding places. Link and Medli turn to run but are brutally beaten and successfully detained by the space pirates)
(tetra comes walking out from behind a rock behind them.)
Tetra: HAHAHAHA so Medli thought you could steal my sex toy and outwit the imperious forces of Planet Zebes? Well you were wrong. Turn around please. *sticks nose in the air and gives the "I'm a snot" look to the sky.*
("Link" and "Medli" turn around only to reveal that they are in fact... Prince Komali (who's in Medli's cloths) and tingle. As the space pirates are escorting the fake link and the fake Medli to where tetra is, The REAL link and the REAL Medli (who's wearing a different dress), are seen sneaking out of the Temple, up the rocks, and around the back of the island))
Tetra: What a pity, What a pity Too bad neither of you will live this. (Turns all the way around and starts to take her pants off) You will both lose your virginity, your peanut cheese bars, and your lives.. HAHAHAHAHA!!! (after taking panties off, she turns around to face the fake link and the fake Medli. She jumps back about 3 feet in sheer shock)
Tetra: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL?!
(after a few moments of silence, in which in the VERY far back, the REAL link and Medli are seen taking off in a cloaked King of Red Arwings in the opposite direction. They disappear into the sun after a few minutes)
Tetra: YOU IDIOTS!!! These are not them! You've captured... THEIR STUNT DOUBLES!!!!!
(King of Red Arwings)
Link: Geez that was a close one. Good thing you thought of that idea back there.
Medli: no... good thing that Komali and Tingle are both arrogant pricks that like spying on people for no apparent reason.
Link: still, if it wasn't for your Idea, we would have BOTH been screwed. Figuratively AND literally.
Medli: Yeah.
KORA: umm... I love to break in here and change the subject, but why the hell would tetra wanna rape link anyhow? I mean geez all she's ever done is Beat him to a pulp.
Medli: well... come to think of it he HAS gotten a lot sexier since last month.
Link: me? HA! You've gotten to be a downright knockout!
Medli: (blushes) oh you!
Link: (laughs)
KORA: Umm.. so, umm... now that tetra knows that those guys aren't us... now where we go?
Link: uh... what about umm... Afganistan?
Medli: HELL NO!!!
Link: umm... sorry then.
Meldi: well, what about Iraq?
Link + Kora: HELL NO!!!
Medli: sorry.
Link: well... umm...
The Devil: How bout Hell?
Everybody in ship: HEAVEN NO!!!
The Devil: #$@#$!@#%$#@%#$%@#$^#Q$@!#!!!
Kora: lets go to umm... what was that place again... Four-Ass Haven?
Link: hmmm... I don't know...
Medli: ah what the hell it sounds far better than anything else said here so far.
(Four ass Haven)
Lamear: oh hi there swordsman...
Linder: umm... yeah... hi...
Link: (to Medli) you'd think they'd be a lot more happy to see me.
Medli: (to link) I don't like this place. It seems a bit... creepy. I mean...
Link: well we have no other places to stay.
Great Deku Tree: I'm sorry, miss... uh...
Medli: Medli
Great Deku Tree: Medli. It seems my Korok Children have gotten some strange disease. Don't worry you two, it only effects Koroks. I assure you that tetra and her band of demons from the skies have no power here. You two must be tired. Let Linder and Lamear show you to your rooms.
(Linder leads link to one room, which smells a bit funny. Making him slightly suspicious.)
Linder: sorry sir it must be the smell of rotting wood.
Link: uhhh ok.
(Lamear leads Medli to another room, which is farther away and down the starts from links)
(after showing them their rooms, Linder and Lamear are seen meeting with a unknown hooded figure in an isolated spot with yet another Korok, who's name is unknown. Unknown Korok is apparently making some kind of juice out of some kind of berries and leaves)
Linder: ok, we've gotten them to their rooms master.
Hooded guy (or is it a girl?): Are they totally unaware of our plans?
Lamear: Medli seems totally unaware my master.
Hooded guy/girl: Excellent. And Link?
Linder: he seems a little more suspicious, but knows nothing.
Hooded Guy/Girl: hmm... Put a slight bit less in his.
Linder: My lord forgive me but wouldn't that make the sedatives ineffective.
Hooded Guy/Girl: I guess there is a threat of that. (takes something out of her/his cloak.) Use this if he does not become sedated enough.
Linder: but... I thought you wanted him alive?
Hooded Guy/Girl: Yes I do. This is a gun filled with sleeping agent darts. I would like him to remain a little conscious while I work him, but if I cannot afford that luxury I guess I will have to do it later in a different place.
Lamear: you told us your plan with link... but what about the winged girl?
Hooded Guy/Girl: The sedatives will make her loose touch with her conscious mind. She will then be as helpless as a sheep in a bear cave. You can have your ways with her as you wish. Kill her after you're done.
(all the koroks groan)
everyone but the hooded dude: awww do we have to?
Hooded Guy/Girl: I'm afraid you do. The sedatives will not last forever. If you leave her alive she will come to here senses eventually. If that is to ever happen, she could destroy us. No, she cannot be allowed to live.
Lamear: and the Author?
Hooded Guy/Girl: He might make a problem for you, but I wouldn't bet on it.
Cinte: they are done, master.
Hooded Guy/Girl: excellent. You know what to do now.
(Link and Medli are both served the poison drinks)
Link: Hey wait a minute... this shit tastes strange... OH MY GOD!!! I'VE BEEN BUGGED! YOU! YOU'RE AN AGENT OF TETRA! DIE YOU-
(Linder shoots link with the Dart gun he got from the Hooded Guy/Girl.)
Linder: Ah well... time to have some fun ^_^
(while Linder leaves the room, link is having a strange dream...)
(Link is standing In the middle of a big, Black room (you know the kind that you see when people talk to you about the triforce, gannon, master sword, etc in normal Zelda games? Link is looking around when a mysterious voice rings out from beyond...)
???: Liiiiiiiiinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkkk.....
Link: Wha? Where Am I? What is this place?
???: Link, This is the author of the story speaking to you.
Link: Yes satan?
Rylasasin: NO NO NO THAT'S NOT MY NAME YOU ASS!!!
Link: well you may as well be for what you wrote up there, RylASSasin!
Rylasasin: what??? I needed to make a plot for myself
Link: NOOOO!!!! GET ME OUT HERE!!!! I NEED TO SAVE HER!!!
Rylasasin: she's just fine... for right now anyways.. I need to tell you some things.
(Meanwhile, Medli's room)
(Medli is clutching her head as if she's trying to force something to out of it)
Linder: this sucks. Its been a half-hour, and she's STILL not cracked yet.
Lamear: I say we just-
Cinte: No, its working. She's strong, I'll give her that. We have to wait this out. If we rush in the poison will flow too much and it might affect us too. Wait.
Linder: FINE...
(link's dream)
Rylasasin: ...she's using a spell on the Koroks to make them obey her. Medli has now lost her mind to the poison unfourtunately..
Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Rylasasin: Calm down! There is still time. The poison is not lethal, it will wear off in less than an hour. I will use my author power to boost you back to conciousness.
(a Bright light fills the room)
Link: wait I-
(Medli's room)
Linder: I've had enough of this. Cinte, your poison is not working at all-
(Medli suddenly lets out a slight grunt and falls to the floor)
Cinte: you were saying something about my poison not being of any effect...
Linder: shut up.
Lamer-umm I mean Lamear: alright! Now for some fun! I call 'gina!
Cinte: I call mouth!
Linder: fuck you two. I always get the ass.
Lamear: we never do this.
Linder: huh? Oh yeah.
(Link's room)
(Link is lying on the floor face-flat, eyes closed. Suddenly, both eyes open in shock. He gets up immediately)
Link: could he be telling the truth? Oh my god, Medli!
Will link and Medli escape Four-ass Haven? Or will tetra and her korok allies have their way? Find out in the next Icky episode of Wind Wanker!