***2002***

We were labelled the 'problem-children' at school. Our fathers were abusers or criminals or out of the country, our mothers were alcoholics or overpowering or dead. It was the typical story. At age nine I was locked in a cupboard and raped by my father. At age ten, I went to court for kidnapping a girl in the class below me and playing 'doctors' with her. Because of my upbringing I was intolerant to anyone's imperfections. The girl was fat. She had fillings and braces. To my young mind, that meant she wasn't human. She had no thoughts or feelings. I couldn't conceive that she was a person. Some say my mind is sick and twisted.

Mum says it's just the drugs, dear.

Sure I abused the drugs, but I convinced myself that I wasn't addicted - I could have stopped if I wanted to. It was the same as when your alarm went off waaaaaay too early after a hard night. It would take nothing to get up if you wanted to. Just plant two feet on the floor and stand. But you really didn't want to. The alarm would re-set itself. You knew that and it was completely your choice. So you succumb to the warm comforts of your cocoon for 30 more minutes, all the time telling yourself that you could easily rise this instant if you wanted……but with this great feeling, and the general shitiness of the world outside your warm bed……you don't want to.

After time, the world around you becomes shitier and the warm feeling becomes better and better. It is less of a struggle and more one sided when you choose to stay in bed longer than before. You wake to the buzzing of your alarm and lie, paralysed, listening to the pretty little sound it makes. Buzzz buzzzzz. Nice. You don't even need to turn off the buzzing before…Zzzzz…you surrender once more to the great power of your bed.

In the end, your alarm doesn't even wake you.

I never let our 'game' come to an end…though sometimes I wish I had. Like Steve and Craig, my mind would now be at rest. But that didn't seem right. Even in my dreams I am awake. I never wanted to rest. I never wanted death.

Now our 'game' is my nightmare. Treatment facilities, therapists, hospitals, detox centres, psych wards, support groups, prison… I have ruined friendships, destroyed trust, broken promises, stolen, lied, cheated, killed and become a person who I hate with all of my being. This is my living nightmare. A haunting, elusive wraith that tortures my mind…..

"Quick NOW!!!!!!!!"

The words will forever echo in my head. Peace doesn't come to the undeserving.

…."QUICK NOW!" ………………