Category: Carby
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: takes place after 10.2 "The lost"...but no accurate
spoilers for episodes after that. Just my imagination.
Summary: Carter stays in Africa after saving Luka, and Abby is having
a hard time to deal with his absence. At an AA meeting,
she can't get him out of her mind. Some weird feelings
tell her he is not that far.
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody, or anything...I'm just a poor girl...
Feedback: would be appreciated...use jconeg@yahoo.fr or the review link.
Author's note: The title of the fic and of each chapter is from the song
"When the ship comes in" by Bob Dylan. It's just about
hurricanes and butterflies, and if you saw "Chaos Theory"
you can understand it's Carby...
Previously...: Abby saw a man at an AA meeting who really looked like
Carter. But it couldn't be him...Carter was miles away
in the Congo...
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter 2
Oh the time will come up when the winds will stop... ----------------------------------------------------
There were two options. First, wait the end of the meeting, and face him. Second, leave right away, without even being sure that it was him, and never come back to this place !
If it was him, and she was pretty sure it was him - how many addicts in Chicago had exactly that color of hair, wore their watch in this ridiculous way, and had this exact scent ? - then she was mad at him and didn't want to talk to him. If it wasn't him, she had decided 6 minutes ago to leave the meeting within 5 minutes if Mrs.I'm-an-addict-but-blame-it-on-my-son hadn't found a good conclusion to her now 45 minutes talk. So that was it.
Abby stood up. She made her way between the seats and Mr. Twinkies quite easily without any noise and went straight away to the back door. She didn't even turn back to check whether some people in the audience had noticed her departure, and first of all, she didn't want the blue T-shirt guy to turn and see her leave.
Once outside, her first feeling was anger. She was mad at him. She remembered she was supposed to be very mad at him. But she couldn't really manage to be that mad. She felt delighted. She had missed him and wanted him to come back so badly... but she couldn't admit it, it would have destroyed her.
And now she began walking towards the El station without really understanding what had just happened. Ten weeks of anger could just be swept away by his mere presence ? That's all he had to do, be here and everyhting would be fine ? No way... he had to talk to her, to explain her, to apologize, she wasn't going to be an easy prey. But then a dark shadow came to her mind. What if he didn't even consider going back to her. His being back in Chicago didn't mean them going back to where they were before... before what ?
If she could pick up a moment where she wanted to be back... Well, she was clueless. She wouldn't choose the time right before Carter's departure for Africa. She wouldn't even choose the week before his Grandmother's death. When was it that it was really perfect ? She had to go far back... before he tried to propose to her, before she started back drinking heavily because of Eric's disappearance... And the more she was searching for the time where she wanted their relationship to come back to, the more she could sense how painful it was to think about it.
Because it was never perfect.
It had started way too fast, on an impulse, because they just couldn't wait anymore. They had been building it up slowly, so slowly, out of friendship and of parallel backgrounds. She had first thought that the monkey pox had been a blessing. Now she saw it as the enemy. It had forced them into something they were not really ready for. They both thought they were ready, it had been so long and so slow a road to it. They could only be ready, couldn't they ?
But they were not. There were still too many unanswered questions, too many hidden facts. And they had failed...both of them, on their own and together.
Now that she had found a sit in the El train, Abby couldn't feel this first wave of joy anymore. Nothing was fixed because he was back. She wanted to cry. A lump was beginning to form down her throat. And she was beginning to get very worried. For them, for their future.
And for him.
What was he doing back here without having told anyone ? The last news she had from him were from Luka who had kept a weekly phone contact with John at Kisangani since he had come back from the Congo. After each call, Luka would gratify the all staff of the ER by a "and by the way, Carter says hello !" Abby resented Luka for doing so every week. If he had come with something new, well, maybe she could have accepted it. But it was nearly always the same phrase, which meant nothing to her except that John was away... Maybe Luka just did it to remind everybody that Carter wasn't gone for good, and it was his weekly tribute to the man who had saved his life. So at last news, 4 days ago, John was still working in a hospital in Kisangani.
How come he was now in Chicago ? and at a NA/AA meeting ?
She was beginning to doubt it was really him. She didn't want it to be him...Her heart was beginning to beat faster and faster as the only possible explanation became clear to her mind...if it was really him.
"Oh please, let it not be John. It couldn't be him..."
She entered her appartment and immediatly fell on her couch. Five minutes later, she was still out of breath and her heart hadn't slowed down. She noticed the red light on her answering machine and instinctively reached out to the machine.
Beep.
"Abby... "
The voice was shaky and sounded more like a whisper than a male voice, but she could have recognized the vibrations in it among a million of other voices. Nobody had ever said her name this way.
The voice in the machine tried to clear itself and a less raspy tone went on.
"Abby, it's me...John. Uh... I wanted to let you know that uh... I'm now in Chicago and i'm going to be at the 8 o'clock meeting at St Michael, so if you don't want to see me, you'd better not get there..."
a confused weak laugh followed.
"... uh not that I mean that I expect you to go to this sort of place but... well... uh ... ... uh, Abby, I did something stupid, something really stupid."
And that was it. He must have made this call this morning, Abby thought. She had a night shift and had just gone directly from the hospital to the meeting. No way she could have been here to answer. Now, she knew for sure it was him. And among the three feelings she had on her way back home from the meeting, anger, joy and fear, the last one was now the only one.
What stupid thing could he have done, that made him come back to Chicago ? to a NA meeting in Chicago ? She had to see him right away, to ask him. She took a look at her watch. 9:15am. The meeting was over, or almost. Unless that lady had kept babbling and nobody had dared to stop her. But even if she made it very fast, she couldn't be back to St Michael before 9:40. And the meeting would definitely be over by that time. She opened a drawer to find her note-book and read John's phone numbers, at his place and his grandparents' mansion. She knew them both by heart, as well as his cell phone number. But she had to check, just to see whether there were some hidden meanings beyond these numbers, if one of them was the one she had to dial first. Where was he ? She had no idea whether or not he had kept on renting the same place these last two months. Or kept on using the same cell phone.
With shaking fingers, she dialed the cell phone number. No luck, this number didn't belong to anyone anymore. His place then... She heard the phone ring four times, and she couldn't decide whether she was pleading him to pick up, or to keep silent. Because she was scared. She was scared to death...
"hello..."
Her heart jumped in her chest, it was a woman voice.
"Can I help you ?"
"uh...Is Dr...uh.. could I speak to John Carter please ?"
"who ?"
"John Carter... he used to live here"
"Well, apparently he doesn't anymore. I've been living here for exactly four months." a sweet unknown voice answered.
"Ok, well, I'm sorry then."
The mansion, that was the only option left. But wait, she had said four months... Carter had been gone for ten weeks now. That was nearly three months. And he had left for Africa the first time about 4 weeks before that. So, fourteen weeks all in all, that didn't make four months... Abby grabbed the phone again.
"Hello, I'm sorry to bother you again, but may I know exactly when you did move in ?"
"what ? uh...wait... on June 10th." the cheerful lady answered.
June 10th. Carter had left his appartment before June 10th... Abby didn't know that. His grandmother had died on June 2nd, and the funerals took place 3 days later. It was a thursday, she was sure of it. Why had he left his place that soon afterwards ? She had hardly talked to him in the week that had followed his grandmother's death. She knew he had been sleeping at the Carters mansion during this week, but she had no clue on the fact that he had moved there for good... Something was wrong...something was really wrong with him.
She had to find out, to talk to him right away. She felt like his life was at stake, and she was the one able to help him. She was now confident. No more shaking hands. She stared at her hands for a few seconds. She wanted them to become healing hands...for him.
With firm steady fingers, she dialed the Carters mansion phone number.
Somebody picked up almost instantly.
"Hello ?"
"Hello, hi, this is Abby Lockhart. Is Dr. Carter here ? may I speak to him ?"
For a few seconds... no sound could be heard. And then she heard a sigh.
"Abby..." It was him. How come she hadn't recognized him before ? The first voice had seemed too pleasant, too joyful... she was expecting to speak to a broken man, and this "hello" was oh so normal.
"Abby... I called you before but you weren't there. I...uh...I don't know...if you got my message ?"
"I did John..." Abby noticed he didn't sound that broken. He even sounded good.
"Well...see, I'm back !"
"When did you come back John ?"
"Yesterday...I landed around 9pm." Again that information sounded wrong. He had gone to a meeting the morning right after his arrival ? Why was that ?
"...I...I know I must have sounded weird on your answering machine, but it's just... that I didn't want to startle you by going there, to hurt you...But it was a stupid idea to call you and to pretend that you could have been there, wasn't it ?" Really, this voice was not at all broken and Abby felt both relieved and again, a little mad at him.
"well.." Abby went on. "I could have gone to the meeting...One never knows !"
"But you didn't ?"
"No..no.. I didn't" Why ? why did she have to lie about it ?
"Well...good for you ! It was the most boring meeting I ever attended !" John added with a definitely too blissful tone.
Abby smiled at his answer. She knew who he was refering to. An uncomfortable silence followed. But she had to ask, she had to know.
"John, why do you go to a NA meeting the morning right after being back ?"
"...Abby...I, I don't know how..." Now his voice was breaking.
She heard a deep breath, and then
"not on the phone Abby, I want to talk to you, but not on the phone, please..."
She couldn't believe it. He was begging her to listen to him, wasn't he ? He wanted to talk to her.
"okay then...do you want to meet me at some place ? Do you want us to meet right away ?" Abby asked.
"No, let's meet for lunch, what do you think ?"
"Ok, I have a shift at 4pm though. We can have lunch around 12."
"Ok" John said, with again a cheerful voice. He named a restaurant not far away from County and hung up.
It was now 9:30am. And Abby couldn't decide whether she was going to slap his face or hug him when she would see him. She couldn't decide whether she was worried or relieved that he didn't sound that bad. Maybe she had understood it wrong.
Of course the most plausible explanation was that he had taken something he shouldn't have in Africa and decided to come back right away to see people, to attend meetings, to talk about it with a therapist, and to get it out of his system as soon as possible.
But it could also have been that he had simply come back, and wanted to see her and not knowing how to do that, had decided to check if he could find her at a meeting. This idea was ridiculous, Abby knew it. If it were the case, he wouldn't have called her in the first place and he wouldn't have been to St Michael. She didn't go there before.
The more she tried to repeat in her head the few words that had come out of his mouth during the phone call, and the more she tried to analyze them, the more she was wondering whether he could have been on something. He was too cheerful. He must have taken something. No...he couldn't have... Not right after a meeting. No way. Maybe it was just because she had expected him to be frantic and broken...and he wasn't. He was just...normal.
But again, why was it that he hadn't wanted to see her right away ? Why waiting for lunch ? Did he have something to do, something to hide ? The wall of thoughts that she had built up over the last ten weeks to make him go away of her life was now definitely destroyed. He had entered her unbreakable castle like a hurricane. No...like a tiny cold breeze, whistling through her window. He had just showed his back, said a few words, and the walls had collapsed...
To be continued...
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: takes place after 10.2 "The lost"...but no accurate
spoilers for episodes after that. Just my imagination.
Summary: Carter stays in Africa after saving Luka, and Abby is having
a hard time to deal with his absence. At an AA meeting,
she can't get him out of her mind. Some weird feelings
tell her he is not that far.
Disclaimer: I don't own anybody, or anything...I'm just a poor girl...
Feedback: would be appreciated...use jconeg@yahoo.fr or the review link.
Author's note: The title of the fic and of each chapter is from the song
"When the ship comes in" by Bob Dylan. It's just about
hurricanes and butterflies, and if you saw "Chaos Theory"
you can understand it's Carby...
Previously...: Abby saw a man at an AA meeting who really looked like
Carter. But it couldn't be him...Carter was miles away
in the Congo...
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Chapter 2
Oh the time will come up when the winds will stop... ----------------------------------------------------
There were two options. First, wait the end of the meeting, and face him. Second, leave right away, without even being sure that it was him, and never come back to this place !
If it was him, and she was pretty sure it was him - how many addicts in Chicago had exactly that color of hair, wore their watch in this ridiculous way, and had this exact scent ? - then she was mad at him and didn't want to talk to him. If it wasn't him, she had decided 6 minutes ago to leave the meeting within 5 minutes if Mrs.I'm-an-addict-but-blame-it-on-my-son hadn't found a good conclusion to her now 45 minutes talk. So that was it.
Abby stood up. She made her way between the seats and Mr. Twinkies quite easily without any noise and went straight away to the back door. She didn't even turn back to check whether some people in the audience had noticed her departure, and first of all, she didn't want the blue T-shirt guy to turn and see her leave.
Once outside, her first feeling was anger. She was mad at him. She remembered she was supposed to be very mad at him. But she couldn't really manage to be that mad. She felt delighted. She had missed him and wanted him to come back so badly... but she couldn't admit it, it would have destroyed her.
And now she began walking towards the El station without really understanding what had just happened. Ten weeks of anger could just be swept away by his mere presence ? That's all he had to do, be here and everyhting would be fine ? No way... he had to talk to her, to explain her, to apologize, she wasn't going to be an easy prey. But then a dark shadow came to her mind. What if he didn't even consider going back to her. His being back in Chicago didn't mean them going back to where they were before... before what ?
If she could pick up a moment where she wanted to be back... Well, she was clueless. She wouldn't choose the time right before Carter's departure for Africa. She wouldn't even choose the week before his Grandmother's death. When was it that it was really perfect ? She had to go far back... before he tried to propose to her, before she started back drinking heavily because of Eric's disappearance... And the more she was searching for the time where she wanted their relationship to come back to, the more she could sense how painful it was to think about it.
Because it was never perfect.
It had started way too fast, on an impulse, because they just couldn't wait anymore. They had been building it up slowly, so slowly, out of friendship and of parallel backgrounds. She had first thought that the monkey pox had been a blessing. Now she saw it as the enemy. It had forced them into something they were not really ready for. They both thought they were ready, it had been so long and so slow a road to it. They could only be ready, couldn't they ?
But they were not. There were still too many unanswered questions, too many hidden facts. And they had failed...both of them, on their own and together.
Now that she had found a sit in the El train, Abby couldn't feel this first wave of joy anymore. Nothing was fixed because he was back. She wanted to cry. A lump was beginning to form down her throat. And she was beginning to get very worried. For them, for their future.
And for him.
What was he doing back here without having told anyone ? The last news she had from him were from Luka who had kept a weekly phone contact with John at Kisangani since he had come back from the Congo. After each call, Luka would gratify the all staff of the ER by a "and by the way, Carter says hello !" Abby resented Luka for doing so every week. If he had come with something new, well, maybe she could have accepted it. But it was nearly always the same phrase, which meant nothing to her except that John was away... Maybe Luka just did it to remind everybody that Carter wasn't gone for good, and it was his weekly tribute to the man who had saved his life. So at last news, 4 days ago, John was still working in a hospital in Kisangani.
How come he was now in Chicago ? and at a NA/AA meeting ?
She was beginning to doubt it was really him. She didn't want it to be him...Her heart was beginning to beat faster and faster as the only possible explanation became clear to her mind...if it was really him.
"Oh please, let it not be John. It couldn't be him..."
She entered her appartment and immediatly fell on her couch. Five minutes later, she was still out of breath and her heart hadn't slowed down. She noticed the red light on her answering machine and instinctively reached out to the machine.
Beep.
"Abby... "
The voice was shaky and sounded more like a whisper than a male voice, but she could have recognized the vibrations in it among a million of other voices. Nobody had ever said her name this way.
The voice in the machine tried to clear itself and a less raspy tone went on.
"Abby, it's me...John. Uh... I wanted to let you know that uh... I'm now in Chicago and i'm going to be at the 8 o'clock meeting at St Michael, so if you don't want to see me, you'd better not get there..."
a confused weak laugh followed.
"... uh not that I mean that I expect you to go to this sort of place but... well... uh ... ... uh, Abby, I did something stupid, something really stupid."
And that was it. He must have made this call this morning, Abby thought. She had a night shift and had just gone directly from the hospital to the meeting. No way she could have been here to answer. Now, she knew for sure it was him. And among the three feelings she had on her way back home from the meeting, anger, joy and fear, the last one was now the only one.
What stupid thing could he have done, that made him come back to Chicago ? to a NA meeting in Chicago ? She had to see him right away, to ask him. She took a look at her watch. 9:15am. The meeting was over, or almost. Unless that lady had kept babbling and nobody had dared to stop her. But even if she made it very fast, she couldn't be back to St Michael before 9:40. And the meeting would definitely be over by that time. She opened a drawer to find her note-book and read John's phone numbers, at his place and his grandparents' mansion. She knew them both by heart, as well as his cell phone number. But she had to check, just to see whether there were some hidden meanings beyond these numbers, if one of them was the one she had to dial first. Where was he ? She had no idea whether or not he had kept on renting the same place these last two months. Or kept on using the same cell phone.
With shaking fingers, she dialed the cell phone number. No luck, this number didn't belong to anyone anymore. His place then... She heard the phone ring four times, and she couldn't decide whether she was pleading him to pick up, or to keep silent. Because she was scared. She was scared to death...
"hello..."
Her heart jumped in her chest, it was a woman voice.
"Can I help you ?"
"uh...Is Dr...uh.. could I speak to John Carter please ?"
"who ?"
"John Carter... he used to live here"
"Well, apparently he doesn't anymore. I've been living here for exactly four months." a sweet unknown voice answered.
"Ok, well, I'm sorry then."
The mansion, that was the only option left. But wait, she had said four months... Carter had been gone for ten weeks now. That was nearly three months. And he had left for Africa the first time about 4 weeks before that. So, fourteen weeks all in all, that didn't make four months... Abby grabbed the phone again.
"Hello, I'm sorry to bother you again, but may I know exactly when you did move in ?"
"what ? uh...wait... on June 10th." the cheerful lady answered.
June 10th. Carter had left his appartment before June 10th... Abby didn't know that. His grandmother had died on June 2nd, and the funerals took place 3 days later. It was a thursday, she was sure of it. Why had he left his place that soon afterwards ? She had hardly talked to him in the week that had followed his grandmother's death. She knew he had been sleeping at the Carters mansion during this week, but she had no clue on the fact that he had moved there for good... Something was wrong...something was really wrong with him.
She had to find out, to talk to him right away. She felt like his life was at stake, and she was the one able to help him. She was now confident. No more shaking hands. She stared at her hands for a few seconds. She wanted them to become healing hands...for him.
With firm steady fingers, she dialed the Carters mansion phone number.
Somebody picked up almost instantly.
"Hello ?"
"Hello, hi, this is Abby Lockhart. Is Dr. Carter here ? may I speak to him ?"
For a few seconds... no sound could be heard. And then she heard a sigh.
"Abby..." It was him. How come she hadn't recognized him before ? The first voice had seemed too pleasant, too joyful... she was expecting to speak to a broken man, and this "hello" was oh so normal.
"Abby... I called you before but you weren't there. I...uh...I don't know...if you got my message ?"
"I did John..." Abby noticed he didn't sound that broken. He even sounded good.
"Well...see, I'm back !"
"When did you come back John ?"
"Yesterday...I landed around 9pm." Again that information sounded wrong. He had gone to a meeting the morning right after his arrival ? Why was that ?
"...I...I know I must have sounded weird on your answering machine, but it's just... that I didn't want to startle you by going there, to hurt you...But it was a stupid idea to call you and to pretend that you could have been there, wasn't it ?" Really, this voice was not at all broken and Abby felt both relieved and again, a little mad at him.
"well.." Abby went on. "I could have gone to the meeting...One never knows !"
"But you didn't ?"
"No..no.. I didn't" Why ? why did she have to lie about it ?
"Well...good for you ! It was the most boring meeting I ever attended !" John added with a definitely too blissful tone.
Abby smiled at his answer. She knew who he was refering to. An uncomfortable silence followed. But she had to ask, she had to know.
"John, why do you go to a NA meeting the morning right after being back ?"
"...Abby...I, I don't know how..." Now his voice was breaking.
She heard a deep breath, and then
"not on the phone Abby, I want to talk to you, but not on the phone, please..."
She couldn't believe it. He was begging her to listen to him, wasn't he ? He wanted to talk to her.
"okay then...do you want to meet me at some place ? Do you want us to meet right away ?" Abby asked.
"No, let's meet for lunch, what do you think ?"
"Ok, I have a shift at 4pm though. We can have lunch around 12."
"Ok" John said, with again a cheerful voice. He named a restaurant not far away from County and hung up.
It was now 9:30am. And Abby couldn't decide whether she was going to slap his face or hug him when she would see him. She couldn't decide whether she was worried or relieved that he didn't sound that bad. Maybe she had understood it wrong.
Of course the most plausible explanation was that he had taken something he shouldn't have in Africa and decided to come back right away to see people, to attend meetings, to talk about it with a therapist, and to get it out of his system as soon as possible.
But it could also have been that he had simply come back, and wanted to see her and not knowing how to do that, had decided to check if he could find her at a meeting. This idea was ridiculous, Abby knew it. If it were the case, he wouldn't have called her in the first place and he wouldn't have been to St Michael. She didn't go there before.
The more she tried to repeat in her head the few words that had come out of his mouth during the phone call, and the more she tried to analyze them, the more she was wondering whether he could have been on something. He was too cheerful. He must have taken something. No...he couldn't have... Not right after a meeting. No way. Maybe it was just because she had expected him to be frantic and broken...and he wasn't. He was just...normal.
But again, why was it that he hadn't wanted to see her right away ? Why waiting for lunch ? Did he have something to do, something to hide ? The wall of thoughts that she had built up over the last ten weeks to make him go away of her life was now definitely destroyed. He had entered her unbreakable castle like a hurricane. No...like a tiny cold breeze, whistling through her window. He had just showed his back, said a few words, and the walls had collapsed...
To be continued...