Category: Carby
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: takes place after 10.2 "The lost"...but no accurate
spoilers for episodes after that. Just my imagination.
Previously...: Carter is back from Africa and Abby spots him at an AA meeting. He tells her on the phone that he did something stupid, and she asks to meet him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3
And the breeze will cease to be a-breathing
-------------------------------------------
Abby arrived in front of the restaurant at 11:40am. She wanted to be early. She wanted to be there before him. She waited 25 minutes outside. But Carter didn't show up. And it was not in his habits to be late... Again, she was scared, really scared. She should have insisted on meeting him right away. A few hours could be an awfully long time for someone in his situation. She still didn't know what his situation actually was, but she knew it couldn't be good.
Without really believing he could be in here, she entered the restaurant only to check whether he could have left a message.
And there he was. At a booth right in front of the entrance. Same blue T-shirt as in the morning. Longer hair than usual. A short beard. And he was thinner than before, a lot thinner. Even with the beard, his jaw line was much more pronounced than it used to be. He saw her right away, and a large grin enlightened his face. She noticed he was tanned too. He looked good, aside from his obvious weight loss, he looked really good.
Abby smiled back, walked straight to his booth and sat in front of him.
"you're late" he started, with the same large smile on his face.
"No I'm not, I just didn't expect you to be that early. I was waiting for you outside."
"Really ? I thought I told you I would wait inside..."
"I didn't get this part I think" Abby went on
"Yeah... you seemed strange on the phone" Carter replied "are you okay ?"
Abby laughed. He was the one asking her if she was okay. Since she had seen him that morning at the meeting, she hadn't stopped worrying for him. And yet he looked fine, and he was the one worrying for her. It was just like before. She was the broken one, and he was the one helping her. It was that situation that she had hated in their relationship. Of course she wanted him to be here for her, but she couldn't stand his staring at her as though she was going to break down any time. He was doing it again. And she was beginning to be mad at him again.
"John it's not about me anymore..." she knew she sounded rather agressive, and that's how she had meant to sound.
"Why did you leave, why did you stay that long in the Congo ?" she went on "Was it because you were okay here in Chicago ?"
"Maybe a more accurate question would be "why did I come back ?" then..." The grin on his face had faded. He was looking straight into her eyes, and this time, Abby didn't see his usual look of concern that she had loved at the beginning of their relationship and had finally learned to hate... His eyes were just pleading, asking her whether he might go on, whether she was ready to listen to him.
"John, did you relapse ?" Abby's voice was now sweet and full of concern.
Instantly, his eyes showed relief. He was slightly smiling. She had gotten into him, he didn't have to tell her. She knew. And yet he was aware that he had to go on, to give her details. She had come to him when he needed her, he owed her a more precise explanation. For long seconds, he looked away through the window. In a whisper, he said
"I injected 1mg of morphin...well not even that..."
Abby didn't know whether she had to be relieved or totally bewildered. So it was morphin...that bad. But 1mg was really nothing she thought. Not even good enough to sweep away a slight headache.
"... I put 5mg in the syringe but I didn't push it all" Carter went on.
"Why ?"
"why ? because I couldn't...because I felt... disgusted !"
"No I mean, why did you shot morphin in the first place ?" Abby didn't realize she was almost shouting.
Carter looked at her in disbelief.
"Abby...I thought you knew better" Carter was only whispering, his voice nearly broken, defeated. "Did I ever ask you why you drunk tequila one evening ?"
His eyes were now wet but were yet challenging hers. He thought she knew... but she didn't. She knew why she did drink, she knew what and how she wanted to forget, she knew the warm feeling of alcohol down her throat. But she didn't know how a man could be willing to stick a needle in his own veins. The idea sounded so repulsive. No, that was one thing about him that she didn't know.
"So it went into your system ?" She still wanted to believe it was a false relapse, like the vicodin incident some years ago...
"Yes Abby... it went into my system...There's no way you can throw up morphin you just shot !" he said almost laughing.
"When was that ?"
"Yesterday morning. Congo time I mean... Good thing I was in Kinshasa. I managed to find a flight right away to Paris and then to Chicago."
"You just decided to come back right away ?" Abby asked.
"Yeah...what else would you have done ? I don't think I could have found any narcotics receptor blocker in Africa...and it was too late anyway..."
Abby was studying his face. He didn't look bad. Tired, sure, but that was to be expected with the jet lag. Thin, very thin, but he had just spent ten weeks in a developing country, with most probably an unhuman pace of work. His hands weren't shaking, he had no obvious signs of withdrawals.
"And how do you feel now ?"
"I think I'm fine, considering... I threw up five times in the plane, but I think it's mainly because I felt disgusted by what I did. I don't think it was...you know... It can't have that effect, not only 1mg. What do you think ?"
"I have no idea John, I'm not the specialist for that matter."
He looked hurt. And she knew she had just put the finger on one of the big issues in their relationship. They both thought they knew, what the other one felt, what the other one went through, because they both thought it was the same problem. But it wasn't.
"So, what comes next ?" Abby asked.
"At least two meetings a day for one or two weeks, and I made appointments with my therapist, already one this afternoon and another one in two days. Maybe I'll consider seeing a doctor to have a prescription for an opiate receptor blocker. I'm not sure yet. I'll certainly do it if I go back to work"
"At County ?" Abby interrupted
"Yes. I'm considering going back there. This place grows on you, you know ?"
Abby laughed. "I guess everybody will be thrilled to have you back"
"everbody ? even you Abby ?" now his eyes weren't challenging or pleading. They just expressed confusion, embarrassment. Without letting her time to respond, he went on "I know I should feel terrible. Abby, I'm sorry...I really am. I left like I was running away from you. Well... maybe it wasn't really about the way I left. I went back because of Luka and I'm happy I did. Really, I'm the happiest man on earth because I did that. When I look back at it in a few years, that will be the one thing that I will be proud of, at least one thing in my life that I did right. But the way I stayed in the Congo, the way I just wrote you a break up letter, that was wrong. I felt good over there, I felt like I was someone important, someone who could make a difference. And nobody was asking me where I came from, what my life was like before that... So I felt free, I felt very light. But I also felt so empty..."
"One can't get away from his personal background John..." Abby said.
"Abby, I don't know if it's what I tried to do there. I just know that I was happy. And yet I relapsed. It came out of nothing, I still can't see any reason for it. And I know I should feel terrible. But I feel happy that I'm back." His smile was large and Abby couldn't help but think that he looked like a young kid. He had changed physically over these past ten weeks, had grown a beard and lost some weight, and yet he looked younger.
He looked like a small child who had just done something wrong, been yelled at by his parents because of it, had cried and then gone back to his mother's arms to have her hug him and tell him that everything was going to be all right.
Abby remembered that when she was a child and during the rare phases where her mother was okay, and could be seen as a real mother, it would always happen this way. Abby would bother her baby brother, have him cry, and then their mom would come and without really yelling, would tell her how wrong what she did was, so wrong that Abby would finally cry. Her mother would then leave her a few minutes alone in her room, to swallow her childish remorse and guilt. And then she would come back, take her face so gently in her hands, and very softly blow a small breathing on her cheeks and eyes, to dry her tears out. And with the sweetest voice on earth you could imagine, she would tell her "I'm blowing a magic breathing on you Abby, to make all sorrows go away, and leave you with nothing but joy".
Abby was taken away from these sweet memories when she realized that Carter wasn't smiling anymore. A dark curtain seemed to have fallen over his face.
"John, you can talk to me... It's not only about being happy to be back is it ?"
"The point is... I don't know how I feel, and it scares me. That's why I want to see my therapist as soon as possible. I want my feelings to clarify, to get rid of this haziness."
"The same guy you saw after Atlanta ?" Abby asked.
"Yeah...there's no point seeing someone new who's going to ask me about the whole story of my life again. Spare me that please !" he added with again a large grin.
"When was the last time you saw him ?" Abby asked.
"Well... I kept seeing him on a regular basis until June 2001, and then I went once in a while... and the last time was February 2002."
"Wow...that's quite a long time ago ! Do you think he's going to recognize you ?" Abby added.
John laughed out. "What do you mean ? That I need a shave ?"
"Yeah...maybe you could consider it...and an haircut won't hurt too !"
John was now really laughing, and Abby knew that seeing him happy was the sweetest feeling she had in a real long time. But again, his face darkened.
"I am sure I was happy to be in the Congo, and I'm glad to be back, but I shouldn't feel this way, should I ? I mean... I just relapsed. And that means a lot of trouble ahead. That means maybe that I'll never get over it and I shouldn't consider being a doctor anymore. That means I can't get away from it even when I have a job miles away from here, miles away from where it all started. It means it's stuck on me like scars that will never disappear." Carter was now whispering.
"It means that you're only human John." Abby answered.
His now teary eyes were stuck into hers, and she could read relief and trust in them. His lips slowly drew a slight smile, and then got into a large grin. And Abby realized she was the cause for this change. She had the power to make him smile, even when it seemed that his life was going on the dark side of the road again. And she felt like she could be like a mother to him, the one who would blow a sweet breeze to his face to dry out the tears and make the pain go away. She felt she could be the magic breathing on him, that would make all sorrows go away and leave him with nothing but joy.
To be continued...
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: takes place after 10.2 "The lost"...but no accurate
spoilers for episodes after that. Just my imagination.
Previously...: Carter is back from Africa and Abby spots him at an AA meeting. He tells her on the phone that he did something stupid, and she asks to meet him.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 3
And the breeze will cease to be a-breathing
-------------------------------------------
Abby arrived in front of the restaurant at 11:40am. She wanted to be early. She wanted to be there before him. She waited 25 minutes outside. But Carter didn't show up. And it was not in his habits to be late... Again, she was scared, really scared. She should have insisted on meeting him right away. A few hours could be an awfully long time for someone in his situation. She still didn't know what his situation actually was, but she knew it couldn't be good.
Without really believing he could be in here, she entered the restaurant only to check whether he could have left a message.
And there he was. At a booth right in front of the entrance. Same blue T-shirt as in the morning. Longer hair than usual. A short beard. And he was thinner than before, a lot thinner. Even with the beard, his jaw line was much more pronounced than it used to be. He saw her right away, and a large grin enlightened his face. She noticed he was tanned too. He looked good, aside from his obvious weight loss, he looked really good.
Abby smiled back, walked straight to his booth and sat in front of him.
"you're late" he started, with the same large smile on his face.
"No I'm not, I just didn't expect you to be that early. I was waiting for you outside."
"Really ? I thought I told you I would wait inside..."
"I didn't get this part I think" Abby went on
"Yeah... you seemed strange on the phone" Carter replied "are you okay ?"
Abby laughed. He was the one asking her if she was okay. Since she had seen him that morning at the meeting, she hadn't stopped worrying for him. And yet he looked fine, and he was the one worrying for her. It was just like before. She was the broken one, and he was the one helping her. It was that situation that she had hated in their relationship. Of course she wanted him to be here for her, but she couldn't stand his staring at her as though she was going to break down any time. He was doing it again. And she was beginning to be mad at him again.
"John it's not about me anymore..." she knew she sounded rather agressive, and that's how she had meant to sound.
"Why did you leave, why did you stay that long in the Congo ?" she went on "Was it because you were okay here in Chicago ?"
"Maybe a more accurate question would be "why did I come back ?" then..." The grin on his face had faded. He was looking straight into her eyes, and this time, Abby didn't see his usual look of concern that she had loved at the beginning of their relationship and had finally learned to hate... His eyes were just pleading, asking her whether he might go on, whether she was ready to listen to him.
"John, did you relapse ?" Abby's voice was now sweet and full of concern.
Instantly, his eyes showed relief. He was slightly smiling. She had gotten into him, he didn't have to tell her. She knew. And yet he was aware that he had to go on, to give her details. She had come to him when he needed her, he owed her a more precise explanation. For long seconds, he looked away through the window. In a whisper, he said
"I injected 1mg of morphin...well not even that..."
Abby didn't know whether she had to be relieved or totally bewildered. So it was morphin...that bad. But 1mg was really nothing she thought. Not even good enough to sweep away a slight headache.
"... I put 5mg in the syringe but I didn't push it all" Carter went on.
"Why ?"
"why ? because I couldn't...because I felt... disgusted !"
"No I mean, why did you shot morphin in the first place ?" Abby didn't realize she was almost shouting.
Carter looked at her in disbelief.
"Abby...I thought you knew better" Carter was only whispering, his voice nearly broken, defeated. "Did I ever ask you why you drunk tequila one evening ?"
His eyes were now wet but were yet challenging hers. He thought she knew... but she didn't. She knew why she did drink, she knew what and how she wanted to forget, she knew the warm feeling of alcohol down her throat. But she didn't know how a man could be willing to stick a needle in his own veins. The idea sounded so repulsive. No, that was one thing about him that she didn't know.
"So it went into your system ?" She still wanted to believe it was a false relapse, like the vicodin incident some years ago...
"Yes Abby... it went into my system...There's no way you can throw up morphin you just shot !" he said almost laughing.
"When was that ?"
"Yesterday morning. Congo time I mean... Good thing I was in Kinshasa. I managed to find a flight right away to Paris and then to Chicago."
"You just decided to come back right away ?" Abby asked.
"Yeah...what else would you have done ? I don't think I could have found any narcotics receptor blocker in Africa...and it was too late anyway..."
Abby was studying his face. He didn't look bad. Tired, sure, but that was to be expected with the jet lag. Thin, very thin, but he had just spent ten weeks in a developing country, with most probably an unhuman pace of work. His hands weren't shaking, he had no obvious signs of withdrawals.
"And how do you feel now ?"
"I think I'm fine, considering... I threw up five times in the plane, but I think it's mainly because I felt disgusted by what I did. I don't think it was...you know... It can't have that effect, not only 1mg. What do you think ?"
"I have no idea John, I'm not the specialist for that matter."
He looked hurt. And she knew she had just put the finger on one of the big issues in their relationship. They both thought they knew, what the other one felt, what the other one went through, because they both thought it was the same problem. But it wasn't.
"So, what comes next ?" Abby asked.
"At least two meetings a day for one or two weeks, and I made appointments with my therapist, already one this afternoon and another one in two days. Maybe I'll consider seeing a doctor to have a prescription for an opiate receptor blocker. I'm not sure yet. I'll certainly do it if I go back to work"
"At County ?" Abby interrupted
"Yes. I'm considering going back there. This place grows on you, you know ?"
Abby laughed. "I guess everybody will be thrilled to have you back"
"everbody ? even you Abby ?" now his eyes weren't challenging or pleading. They just expressed confusion, embarrassment. Without letting her time to respond, he went on "I know I should feel terrible. Abby, I'm sorry...I really am. I left like I was running away from you. Well... maybe it wasn't really about the way I left. I went back because of Luka and I'm happy I did. Really, I'm the happiest man on earth because I did that. When I look back at it in a few years, that will be the one thing that I will be proud of, at least one thing in my life that I did right. But the way I stayed in the Congo, the way I just wrote you a break up letter, that was wrong. I felt good over there, I felt like I was someone important, someone who could make a difference. And nobody was asking me where I came from, what my life was like before that... So I felt free, I felt very light. But I also felt so empty..."
"One can't get away from his personal background John..." Abby said.
"Abby, I don't know if it's what I tried to do there. I just know that I was happy. And yet I relapsed. It came out of nothing, I still can't see any reason for it. And I know I should feel terrible. But I feel happy that I'm back." His smile was large and Abby couldn't help but think that he looked like a young kid. He had changed physically over these past ten weeks, had grown a beard and lost some weight, and yet he looked younger.
He looked like a small child who had just done something wrong, been yelled at by his parents because of it, had cried and then gone back to his mother's arms to have her hug him and tell him that everything was going to be all right.
Abby remembered that when she was a child and during the rare phases where her mother was okay, and could be seen as a real mother, it would always happen this way. Abby would bother her baby brother, have him cry, and then their mom would come and without really yelling, would tell her how wrong what she did was, so wrong that Abby would finally cry. Her mother would then leave her a few minutes alone in her room, to swallow her childish remorse and guilt. And then she would come back, take her face so gently in her hands, and very softly blow a small breathing on her cheeks and eyes, to dry her tears out. And with the sweetest voice on earth you could imagine, she would tell her "I'm blowing a magic breathing on you Abby, to make all sorrows go away, and leave you with nothing but joy".
Abby was taken away from these sweet memories when she realized that Carter wasn't smiling anymore. A dark curtain seemed to have fallen over his face.
"John, you can talk to me... It's not only about being happy to be back is it ?"
"The point is... I don't know how I feel, and it scares me. That's why I want to see my therapist as soon as possible. I want my feelings to clarify, to get rid of this haziness."
"The same guy you saw after Atlanta ?" Abby asked.
"Yeah...there's no point seeing someone new who's going to ask me about the whole story of my life again. Spare me that please !" he added with again a large grin.
"When was the last time you saw him ?" Abby asked.
"Well... I kept seeing him on a regular basis until June 2001, and then I went once in a while... and the last time was February 2002."
"Wow...that's quite a long time ago ! Do you think he's going to recognize you ?" Abby added.
John laughed out. "What do you mean ? That I need a shave ?"
"Yeah...maybe you could consider it...and an haircut won't hurt too !"
John was now really laughing, and Abby knew that seeing him happy was the sweetest feeling she had in a real long time. But again, his face darkened.
"I am sure I was happy to be in the Congo, and I'm glad to be back, but I shouldn't feel this way, should I ? I mean... I just relapsed. And that means a lot of trouble ahead. That means maybe that I'll never get over it and I shouldn't consider being a doctor anymore. That means I can't get away from it even when I have a job miles away from here, miles away from where it all started. It means it's stuck on me like scars that will never disappear." Carter was now whispering.
"It means that you're only human John." Abby answered.
His now teary eyes were stuck into hers, and she could read relief and trust in them. His lips slowly drew a slight smile, and then got into a large grin. And Abby realized she was the cause for this change. She had the power to make him smile, even when it seemed that his life was going on the dark side of the road again. And she felt like she could be like a mother to him, the one who would blow a sweet breeze to his face to dry out the tears and make the pain go away. She felt she could be the magic breathing on him, that would make all sorrows go away and leave him with nothing but joy.
To be continued...