Author's notes: Here ya go Gamine. Hope you didn't find the wait too long and it's a real long one so that should make you happy! Enjoy the ice cream scene. I know I did:) I've made title pages for each chapter of this story. If you want to see them e-mail me at Also I've taken down the NC-17 stuff so doesn't boot me or anything. If you want it let me know!
And I'd like to say hello to my evil twin. She knows who she is. You're going to end up a villain in my next story. You know I'll do it!
Edited to add: Another songfic where the lyrcis have been removed. The song it was is listed above.
Bed Of Lies
It was amazing how much a person could change within the course of a year. Tommy had expected a lot of things when he finally found Jason but the man in front of him certainly was not one of those things. Jason was thinner and paler than he had been on their last night together. He looked so tired and worn out and unhappy, for a moment Tommy wanted to forget his anger and hug him.
"Tommy?" Jason was surprised to see the man he had left behind in Angel Grove at his door and, honestly, a little panicked at his sudden arrival. "What are you doing here? You...you can't be here."
"Why? Have you replaced me already?" Tommy asked angrily as he shouldered his way past Jason and walked into the small apartment.
Seeing the place Jason had called home for the last seven months took some of the wind out of his sails. It hardly looked like one person was living there, it was so barren. He could see the kitchen and living room from where he was standing and, apart from a few second hand pieces of furniture, appliances and a desk piled to the brim with pieces of paper he recognized from Jason's work, it was void of life. There were no knickknacks or pictures or a radio or a TV, though Jason could afford them easily. There was nothing more than Jason needed to survive.
"You know I wouldn't do that." Jason sighed, closing the apartment door. He did not want to close it. He wanted to lunge through it and run away. He did not know if he could deal with what he was sure would happen.
"Seven month ago I knew you wouldn't leave me." Tommy snapped.
Jason flinched. "I didn't leave you. Not in that way. I didn't leave because of you or because I didn't love you. You were the only reason I stayed as long as I did."
"But I wasn't enough reason to stay permanently? What we had didn't matter enough?" Tommy retorted.
"No. At that point nothing would have been enough to make me stay." Jason sighed and sunk down onto his slightly shoddy couch. He gestured for Tommy to sit in the only other chair in the room that actually looked more comfortable than the couch. It was the only little bit of comfort Jason had managed to allow himself. "Sit down."
"I don't want to." Tommy muttered as he began to pace without even noticing what he was doing.
"Tom, I...I couldn't stay there any longer. You saw what it was doing to me. I just couldn't..." Jason began.
"So you ran away. And you left me behind." Tommy's voice shook with anger. That was what got to him the most. That Jason would leave without telling him or anyone else. That he did not care about them enough to let them know he was splitting. "You left all of us behind. How the hell could you do that, Jason? Did you intentionally want to hurt everyone who loves you? Did you want make us worried sick about you? I was frantic until Trini told me I'd be notified if anything happened to you and then I was pissed. Jesus Christ, you leave me but for some twisted reason you make sure that I'll know it if you're dead or hurt or in trouble. I didn't want that I wanted you. Did you want to hurt me like that? Why didn't you say anything? I would have gone with you, you know. I would have dropped everything and gone with you. But you didn't want that, did you? You didn't want me to come. You wanted to leave everyone behind, myself included, didn't you? How the hell could you do that to me you fucking heartless prick?"
Jason said nothing, just held his head in his hands and took whatever Tommy said. If anything that just made Tommy madder.
"Answer me, godammit! I deserve that at least." Tommy demanded.
"What do you want me to say?" Jason asked bleakly. "That I wasn't strong enough to stay? That..."
"Don't bullshit me Jason! You're the strongest person I know. You could have stayed if it meant enough to you, if I meant enough to you." Tommy shot back.
"No. I couldn't stay there. It was killing me." Jason sighed, his voice deadly calm as he looked away from Tommy. "I was lucky the opportunity to get transferred came up. Before...before I knew about it, before I knew I had the chance to leave, I was planning to kill myself."
Tommy was about to say something sarcastic in reply when Jason turned to meet his eyes. He knew then that it was true. There was a hopelessness, a deadness there. He had seen a look like that in Jason's eyes before, on the night he left, and it sent a shiver up his spine to see it again.
Tommy was floored and could only stand there with his mouth hanging open as Jason went on. "I had it all planned out. I was going to drive my car off the cliff of the Stone Canyon gorge. I even had Trini fix all of my legal business, that's why you would've been informed. You were my beneficiary, you had to be informed."
Tommy nearly lunged at Jason and kissed him savagely before Jason could think to react. The deadened look in Jason's eyes when he said that was too much for Tommy to stand; he had to get some other look into the midnight pools.
"Don't say that. Don't you ever fucking say that again. Don't ever think about it." Tommy whispered when he pulled away, his hands still cupping Jason's cheeks, their foreheads still touching, and their lips only millimetres apart. "Tom that's...that's what I was going to do. I planned it. I even made a goddamn will." Jason laughed bitterly.
"I don't care. That would have killed me, Jason. I would have followed you. Do you understand that? I would have followed you if you had killed yourself." Tommy told him.
"No, you wouldn't have. You had enough people to take care of you. Everyone still loves you, Tommy. They would've felt sorry for you. You defend you best friend even though he's a fucking faggot and then the asshole goes and kills himself. They would have hated me even more but they would have been good to you. You would have been okay." Jason told him.
Tommy got up again and went to stand by the window even though it only looked out onto a brick wall. His tone was slightly softer when he spoke. "Do you think that's what I wanted?"
Jason shrugged. "Maybe not want you wanted but what was best. Tom...I swear to God I love you. I never stopped loving you, not for a moment. It was never a question of that I just...I just wanted you to have to deal with as little pain as possible."
"You knew leaving in the middle of the night without a word was going to hurt me. You had to know that." Tommy's voice had a cutting edge in it again.
"Yes and in my more selfish moments I even wanted it to hurt a little bit because if my leaving didn't than you wouldn't...you wouldn't have loved me and I'm not sure I could've dealt with that. Our love was the only thing that kept me going for so long and I..." Jason broke off for a moment before struggling on. "If I had of stayed you would have been hurt worse. I thought...I was sure you'd be better off this way."
"I would be better off or you would?" Tommy questioned sharply.
Jason bit back a dry, sarcastic laugh. "What do you think? I have needed you so much, so many damn times but I...I couldn't do that to you."
"Couldn't do what to me? You had already left, already basically broke my heart. What was it you thought you were protecting me from?" Tommy snapped.
"Everything. You own a dojo, Tom. If everyone found out you were gay do you think there would be enough students left to keep the place open? You didn't see what they did to me, not completely. I tried to hide it from you and I managed to most of the time. The time I came home with a black eye was not the first time someone tried to attack me, it was just the first time you saw what the result was. And there are things that are worse than any physical injury, at least to me." Jason sighed and rubbed a hand over his weary face. "And to protect you from me."
"Why the hell didn't you tell me what was really going on? I could have done something to help." Tommy paused slightly, thinking about the last comment. "And why would I need protection from you?"
"Look at me." Jason replied, completely seriously. "Why would you want anything to do with me now? Why would anyone? Half the time I don't want to have anything to do with myself."
Tommy crossed the room again and took a seat beside Jason. Jason opened his mouth to say something but Tommy beat him to it. "Shut up. Just shut up. Just let me..."
Jason fell silent. He did not know what Tommy was up to and was not sure if he wanted whatever it was to be quick or not. He thought he would never see his love again and every extra second he was granted with him was heaven, but the longer Tommy stayed the more it would kill Jason when he finally decided it was not worth it and walked out of his life permanently. He could still feel Tommy's lips on his and his tongue invading his mouth, he did not know if he could deal with another reminder like that to torment him further.
Tommy gently cupped Jason's cheek with his hand and looked up to peer into those midnight eyes only to find they were closed. His face marred in a frown for a moment until he found out why Jason was shutting himself away. A silvery tear managed to escape the tightly shut eyes as Jason fought to keep his other tears at bay.
Tommy's face softened in concern and exasperated affection before leaning forward slightly and pressing his lips against Jason's. This kiss vastly contrasted the fast, hard one Tommy had given Jason earlier. This was soft and slow and sweet. Jason sat there stiffly, not responding, trying to keep himself from feeling anything. Tommy did not pull away though. He took his time, his tongue licking gently at his lips until Jason finally gave in and kissed him back, melting against Tommy as the kiss deepened.
They only broke apart when the need to breath firmly asserted itself. Tommy gathered Jason close and the dark head tucked itself under his chin. Jason did not resist, he did not have it in him to pull away. He deflated a bit, letting out a long, shaky sigh as he felt Tommy press a kiss to the top of his head.
"Don't..." Jason whispered, barely keeping his voice from breaking completely. He could not keep the tremors out of it as it was. "Please, don't do this to me. I can't take you doing this and then leaving I can't. Please, Tommy, don't do this, not unless...not unless you mean it."
"You're an idiot, Jason Scott." Tommy told him, hastily going on when he felt the body he held start to tremble at his words. "And a fool. I love you. Do you understand that? I love you, you idiot. And I'm sticking with you. I can't do anything else; I love you too damn much to. You're stuck with me now. I'm not letting you self destruct again. You and me against the world if need be. I'm not going to abandon you, Jase."
Jason gave on dry sob and buried his head in Tommy's shirt as Tommy continued. "I don't forgive you for leaving without telling me, not yet at least. I would have gone with you in a second if you'd asked and it still hurts that you didn't. I don't fully understand why you did what you did but I get some of it and I can't say I blame you for leaving Angel Grove. I...We still need to talk about a few things but not tonight, not tonight."
Tommy tightened his arms around Jason as the tremors increased. It was just too much for the bewildered young man to handle. He did not know how to react to this. He had never in a million years thought Tommy would find him or want him back. He had been expecting complete rejection and had gotten just the opposite. He did not know what to do.
"Shh. Jase, it's okay. Unless...unless there really is someone else and you don't want me anymore?" Tommy knew that was not the truth, could tell it by the way Jason was living, but he needed to get some reaction out of him to stop him from falling to pieces.
"NO! No, there's no one else. Never been anyone else." Jason jerked away, searching Tommy's face frantically for any signs of anger or disbelief. "I...Tommy...I love you...I...There's never been anyone else."
"Its okay, it's okay. I believe you. Shh." Tommy tried to sooth him, realizing for the first time that Jason was well and truly a mess right now. He ran his fingers from Jason's hair to his chin in a gentle caress that Jason leaned into longingly. For the first time that night he looked, really looked, at Jason and he did not like what he saw. He looked awful. "You've changed so much, Jase. You haven't been taking care of yourself very well."
Jason sighed softly as he leaned back into Tommy's arms. "I missed you so much."
"I missed you too." Tommy murmured, pressing a kiss against Jason's temple and silently beginning to form a plan to help his love out of the funk he had settled into.
When the two reunited lovers finally managed to untangle themselves Jason found himself faced with a bit of a dilemma. He had to go into work tomorrow for at least half the day and had not yet finished his drawings or exercised enough to have a dreamless sleep. He had a feeling that, when Tommy was around, he would not be doing that anyway. He knew that what he was doing, that forcing himself to the point of unconsciousness was not healthy and that Tommy would be upset to find out he needed to do so to be able to sleep.
Jason knew he could finish the little he had to do quickly but Tommy did not. He figured he could stay up late enough to be really tired and then catch a little sleep on the couch so he would not disturb Tommy with his nightmares. Tommy, however, had other plans. He disappeared into the bedroom for about two hours, long enough to call Billy on his cell phone to assure him he had found their wayward friend and get his advice on his new concerns regarding Jason. They agreed it would not be best to try to get Jason to return to Angel Grove or even force him into seeing his friends again, until he was ready and that Tommy was going to have to be careful with him, since Jason appeared to be more fragile than either of them had expected.
By the time he had finished the phone call Tommy knew Jason was not planning on joining him that night. He understood more about his lover's work than Jason realized and had seen he did not have that much more to do even taking into account how much of a perfectionist Jason was when it came to his work. Tommy thought about it for a few moments and then decided that he needed to be with Jason, even if just to hold him for the night.
Jason was pouring over some minuet and perfect details in his latest set of sketches when Tommy's hands slid over his shoulders and his lips placed a kiss near his temple. He sighed as Tommy drew back a bit and gentle but firm thumbs began to make small circles on the back of his sore, stiff neck.
"You have to work in the morning." Tommy murmured. "Come to bed."
"I don't sleep all that much anymore." Jason confessed, leaning into Tommy's massaging hands. "And I was going to sleep on the couch tonight. I wasn't sure whether you'd want to share a bed with me or not."
"You need to sleep more. You look exhausted." Tommy leaned forward to whisper in Jason's ear, sending slight shivers through him. "And I need to be with you tonight."
Jason moaned softly as Tommy's lips caressed the side of his neck. He let Tommy pull him out of the chair and led him to his bedroom. He was afraid, desperately afraid of Tommy finding out just how flawed and unlovable that he had become, but he could not resist the other man. Not for a moment.
Tommy had simple planned on getting Jason to sleep but as they were about to get into bed he leaned over and kissed him. It was supposed to be soft and reassuring but the moment their lips touched that all changed. It was like a jolt of electric passion ran through them both and suddenly seven months of being without each other caught up to them.
They next thing they knew they were all but tearing the clothing off of each other. The need to touch was uncontrollable. It had been far too long since they had been able to feel the bare skin of the other against their own, feel their bodies entwined, feel their breaths mingle and their hearts beat rapidly in a delicious, synchronized rhythm.
Tommy refused to lose contact with Jason, even as they hastily stripped. Some part of him needed to be in contact with the other man, just to reassure him that Jason was really there. That this was really happening.
Jason, on the other hand, would have liked to be able to step back for a moment. He was wont to hesitate, rather than trust himself and the man he was with. It was not that he no longer trusted Tommy; he did with all his being. He simply did not trust himself any longer, not in any respect.
But Tommy was not about to let his lover step away from him, even for the briefest instant. As soon as their shirts were off he was behind Jason, the bulge in his rapidly tightening khakis pressing against Jason's ass as he quickly unzipped and pulled down Jason's jeans, his mouth trailing nip kisses down his lover's throat. His boxers and jeans were off and before Jason could think he was working on removing Tommy's while teasing hands slid over his ass and he was thoroughly kissed.
"Tommy...you sure?" Jason gasped as he felt Tommy's cock slid against his own.
"Yes." Tommy replied quickly as he and Jason all but fell onto the bed together.
Tommy quickly manoeuvred them so that he Jason was lying on his back on the bed. He gave his lover a small, mischievous smile before showing Jason he had not forgotten any of the things that made him squirm and moan beneath his expert ministrations. He loved the fact he had the power to make Jason forget everything except the pleasure he was giving him. He thought it was just what his lover needed.
Jason nearly came at Tommy's first touch. He normally was not as sensitive as he was tonight but it had been too long since anyone had touched him with such love and care. The slightest brush of Tommy's hands or lips or tongue was enough to send jolts throughout his entire body.
"Lube? Condom?" Tommy questioned shortly before returning to the feast before him.
"I haven't..." Jason groaned. "...haven't got any."
"What?" Tommy jerked his head up. He could not believe Jason would take a risk like that! "Jason, you better not have been fucking anyone without a condom. I know you and I did but we'd never been with anyone before. Do you know how dangerous that is?"
"I haven't been with anyone." Jason mumbled quietly. "I couldn't, not when I still...Have you been with anyone else?"
"No, but there's not exactly a lot of choice in Angel Grove and we hadn't exactly broken up." Tommy replied. "Not when you were still what?"
"In love with you." Jason said softly. "I hadn't planned on break up with you. I just...I don't know...I just..."
"Shh. It's okay." Tommy shushed him quickly, seeing Jason was starting to get upset.
He moved upwards again, drawing Jason into a loving kiss as he stretched out so his body covered as much of Jason's as he could. He could feel Jason's tense body melting beneath him and he relaxed as well. Some things they would need to take slowly.
But Tommy knew one need they both had was not going to be one of those things.
"I have lube in my bag but I don't want to leave long enough to get it." Tommy admitted.
Jason smiled slightly and hesitantly commented. "You were that confident you'd be getting some tonight?"
"Not tonight specifically, but at some point over the weekend. If I had been that confident about tonight I would have kept it in my pocket." Tommy replied, silently celebrating the fact Jason made the small joke.
"I don't think that would have done us much good either. Did you see where your jeans ended up?" Jason asked, slightly more assured.
"No. And I don't really care either." Tommy was loathe to leave Jason, even for the minute it would take to grab the lube he had sitting in the front pocket of his bag, but he was not taking the chance of hurting his lover, especially not now.
It took nearly ten seconds for Tommy to vault off the bed, paw through the bag's pocket to get to the lube and return to Jason with the tube and a nearly bruising kiss. The old Jason would have laughed at Tommy's impatient antics. Now Jason just reached for him and kissed back just as hard.
"I want you so bad." Tommy whispered huskily as Jason rolled over onto his stomach.
Their lovemaking was frantic and hard. They had been apart to long, the feelings were simply too much...
The collapsed together onto the bed afterwards, sweating and shivering as they fumbled into a close embrace.
"Tommy..." Jason began, clinging to his lover almost desperately, "Tom, I'm sorry. I know...I know you're angry that I left. I'm sorry I did that to you. I know you would have come with me. I'm sorry. I..."
"Shh. Sleep. I'll be here in the morning. I promise." Tommy soothed. "We'll talk about everything then. It's been a long night, for both of us. Just sleep. Everything is going to be okay now."
"I love you." Jason murmured. The emotional exhaustion the day brought catching up with his already spent system.
"I love you too, Jase." Tommy began stroking his lover's broad back, easing him further towards sleep. "Now, shush. Get some rest. You need it."
Jason muttered something too softly for Tommy to hear and snuggled further into the arms that held him. For the first time in far too long he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Tommy woke several times that night to find Jason stirring fitfully in his sleep, a deep frown marring his face. But when Tommy pulled him back into his arms or stroked his back or reached out to run his fingers through the dark hair, he sighed softly and stilled. It awed him that his touch had that much power over Jason. It also scared him.
He knew from the way Jason acted and reacted to him tonight that he was more of a mess than Tommy had thought possible. He was not the same person who Tommy had made love with that last night in Angel Grove.
'Or', Tommy felt a sense of dread and sadness wash over him, 'maybe he is and I just didn't notice how bad it had gotten. I knew he was hurting, that the whole situation had gotten way out of hand and that it was doing something to him but I didn't think it was that bad. How much of what he went through did he hide from me in an attempt to protect me? And how much did it cost him to do so?'
Jason moaned softly and flinched in his sleep, tearing Tommy's thoughts away from the past and back to his distressed lover. He hugged Jason's again trembling body closer and stroked the broad back soothingly. Jason immediately began to relax but his face remained troubled.
"I'm here, Jase." Tommy whispered. "I'm with you. I love you. You're safe. I'm here now."
Jason murmured something incoherent and snuggled further into Tommy's arms before sighing softly and settling back into a deep, undisturbed sleep.
Tommy brushed a kiss against his now smooth forehead, relishing the feeling of his Jason being back in his arms. And this time, he promised himself it would be for good. He had told Jason he would not abandon him and he planned on keeping his word. A small part of him felt he had failed Jason, failed him by not seeing how deeply he had been hurt and failed him by not being able to protect his love as Jason had protected him. He refused to let himself fail Jason again. Now, with Jason as fragile as he currently was, there was far too much at stake.
Tommy lay awake for a long time that night, soothing Jason when he needed to be soothed and, continuing to plan out what he could do to help rebuild the precious parts of his love that seemed to have shattered under the brutal attacks he had faced all alone. Tommy knew the pieces were still there, that the Jason he had first fell in love with was still there, all he had to do was help put them together again. He would help Jason heal or die trying. That was just the way it was going to be.
When Tommy awoke the next morning, having finally drifted off after several sleepless hours, Jason was sitting on the bed fully dressed and watching him. He grinned slightly and reached for his hand, rubbing his thumb over Jason's knuckles gently. Jason smiled in return, and leaned down to kiss Tommy's hand.
"I have to go to work but I didn't want to leave before you woke up." Jason flushed slightly. "I couldn't leave a note. I called in earlier to see if I could get the day off but no such luck."
"S'okay, Jase, I knew you'd have to go into work today." Tommy assured him. "I'm glad you hung around until I was awake though. I'm not sure I could have taken another note."
Jason turned away, hanging his head guiltily. "I...There's not a lot in the fridge but there should be enough for some breakfast. I'm going to try and get off at around noon but I'm not sure I'll be able to. I usually work late and..."
"Jase..." Tommy tugged gently on the hand he still held. "Come here."
Jason turned, his eyes suspiciously moist, and crawled into Tommy's embrace. He sighed softly as the strong arms encircled him and lifted his head to meet Tommy's waiting lips. They kissed slowly and deeply, reassuring each other that last night had not been a dream.
When they parted Tommy just held Jason for a few moments, letting him regain his composure. Tommy had to admit the probably looked pretty funny at the moment. He was still naked under the covers and Jason was curled up in his arms in his business clothes which were rather dressy. If it weren't for the fact Jason's tense body was beginning to relax next to him he would have laughed.
They could not stay like that for long, as Jason did have to head into work. He reluctantly got up again but Tommy grabbed his arm before he could leave. He knew Jason was still battling his uncertainty and he would rather him leave with a smile than a frown.
"I'll be here when you get back, I promise." Tommy gave him a lopsided grin. "Though if your fridge is too empty I might have to go grab something from the nearest grocery store. You have cleaned out any undesirable leftovers out, haven't you? I don't want to run into anything that's evolved into a new life form while I'm looking for my breakfast."
Jason laughed, it was slightly forced but it was still a laugh. "You won't run into anything that moves, I promise." He kept the fact that he would hardly run into anything at all to himself. He had to go to work. He could not get Tommy upset by telling him he had not exactly been eating a lot because that would get him upset.
"Good." Tommy got up, pulled on his boxers and followed Jason to the front door.
"Call me at noon if you can get off or if you can't, okay?" Tommy requested.
"I will." Jason replied. He hesitated for a moment than leaned forward and kissed Tommy gently. "I love you."
"I love you too, Jase. Now get going or I might not be able to let you leave for another half hour or so." Tommy teased, glad to see the smile playing around his lips as Jason left.
He had gone to get himself some breakfast only to find that Jason's entire food supply consisted of two whole wheat buns, a nearly full thing of expired cream cheese and half a litre of milk. The site of that fridge, and the fact that Jason was much thinner than he used to be, got Tommy worrying again. Jason was incredibly health conscious, or at least he had been, and now it looked as if he had not been eating well or much.
Tommy sighed as he mentally added getting Jason to eat to his list of things to do before he had to go back to Angel Grove. Getting him to open up about what was going through his mind and getting him to sleep through the night were also up there on the top of list. Unfortunately, Tommy had yet to come up with a good enough idea of how to get Jason relaxed enough to breach any of those topics without him starting to freak out.
Turning over several okay, but not good enough, ideas in his mind as he made his way to the bathroom only confirmed to him that he was not all that sure of what he was doing. A call to the cavalry might be in order. After all, Kim probably had more than a fair share of ways to get Rocky to relax enough to do whatever she wanted him to. She might be able to give him a suggestion, even though he just wanted to get Jason talking rather than seduce him.
But first a shower was in order. Tommy grinned as he remembered fondly why he was in desperate need of a shower this morning. He and Jason had fallen asleep rather sticky the night before.
"Well, shit." Tommy muttered to himself as he stepped into the bathroom. He had seen it briefly last night but he had not really taken it in, having been distracted at the time.
Jason's bathroom was really the only nice part of his small, shabby apartment. The previous owner had, at one point, planned on redoing the whole place before he got married and ended up moving in next door to his Greek parents-in-law who were right out of the movie 'My Big Fat Greek Wedding'. He had only gotten around to re-doing the bathroom before he moved. It was not that big, most of the space being filled with the spacious tub, but it was possibly the nicest room in the little place and could very nearly be called cozy.
The idea hit Tommy when he was standing under the shower. He laughed out loud when it came to him since he had been in there enjoying the rivets of soothing hot water running down his tanned, muscular body for over twenty minutes already. He quickly rechecked the size of the tub to make sure he could pull it off and was happy to find more than enough room to do so. There were even jets in the thing if he could figure out how they turned on. He briefly wondered why anyone would bother to install such a nice bathtub in such a crummy apartment. Seducing women, and not necessarily Greek ones with large, loud families, did not even cross his mind.
Ten minutes later he headed out of the apartment and hailed a taxi. As much as he hated going he was headed to the nearest mall. First to pick up some breakfast, even though he was not the biggest fan of greasy food, then to pick up the things he needed to set his plan in motion. He figured he would have to call Kim to give him a few pointers as to how to pull it off properly but he was confident that his idea, combined with that fact that he would be there not getting angry at all, would get Jason to open up to him again.
Karen Mills noticed that something was different about her best architect the moment she spotted Jason on his way in that morning. She had always had a soft spot for the usually utterly miserable looking young man who came in early and left late every day as if he had nothing worth going home for. He was never anything but kind to his fellow employees, even those who made messes he ended up having to fix, but at the same time he was detached, never letting anyone get at all close to him. She had heard a few rumours about him and why he was so distant, that his wife had left him and taken their kids, that his girlfriend had cheated on him with his best friend, that he was gay and his lover had just been toying with him, but she tended not to believe anything that did not come from the horse's mouth.
'Or something like that,' She thought, absently shaking her head.
This morning he was actually smiling and considering he usually carried this area of immense, impenetrable sadness about him that was a feat. He also requested taking a half day and informed her over their computer messaging system that he would not be coming in tomorrow. He technically had every Sunday off but he had never actually taken the day off before.
"Kitty, can you get Mr. Scott into my office please." Karen requested.
She hated to do it to him but she just could not let him take that half day, not today. Two of the employees on Jason's team had messed things up again. They were, most of the time, more trouble than they were worth but, seeing as they were the head honcho's nephews they could not exactly be fired.
"You wanted to see me?" Jason said when he arrived in her office a few minutes later.
"Yes. I can't let you out of here early today. Your favourite team members have set us back, yet again, with their screw up." Karen told him. "I'm sorry. You've never asked for time off before and God knows you deserve it for the work you do around here."
"That's alright." Jason sighed. He's eyes flickered over the folder Karen had handed him, which outlined the current problem they had. It would not be that hard to fix but it would be time consuming.
"By the way, whatever you're doing keep it up." Karen commented as he was about to leave.
"Pardon?" Jason asked, confused.
"You're happy for the first time since I've met you. Keep it up. You're much more attractive when you're smiling. It gives the girls something to swoon over in this office so I don't have to worry about them running downstairs to see that delivery man they all like so much." Karen told him.
'Ah, Ricardo,' She thought to herself fondly, thinking of the once a day distraction. Hot as hell and he came bearing good food and great desserts, what a dream! 'I can't get any of the girls to work for the hour you're here and you know it but as long as you keep personally delivering my lunch to me I don't give a damn.'
"Let me guess. You've either gotten back together with your boyfriend or found a new one. Or you've just gotten yourself laid." Karen's secretary, Kitty commented through the open door, her gaze flickering from the letter she was typing to Jason's face which abruptly went very pale.
"What? How did you?..." Jason stuttered in shock. His head had started spinning and his stomach was starting to roll. His limbs felt heavy, as if he was about to faint. This could not be happening. Not again.
"Oh please, my gaydar is fully operational." Kitty replied.
"Are you alright?" Karen asked concerned, she saw Jason start to sway on his feet and hastily pushed him into the nearest chair before he could collapse on her.
"Breath." She instructed, rubbing Jason's back as he gulped down a few breaths. "That's it. Good. You're alright."
Kitty came over, carrying a glass off water which she offered Jason. He took it gratefully; his mouth had gone dry on him at some point. By the time he had finished it the danger of fainting had passed and he was not as worried. After all, the two women had helped him, rather than letting him drop to the floor and leaving him there.
"Sorry. I didn't think you would have that reaction." Kitty apologized, realizing she had probably stumbled on a sore spot. She did not know why Jason had transferred here from his home town but she could guess from his reaction at least part of the reason. "You're in good company. Karen attended by commitment ceremony. I'll be with my Suzie six years on Tuesday."
"Oh." Jason blushed slightly. "Sorry for freaking out like that."
"Not a problem." Karen assured him. "I'm guessing you've had some bad experiences in the past."
"That's putting it rather mildly." Jason sighed.
"Well, I hate to say it but I wouldn't advertise it around here. Most of them think me being with another women is kinky but I doubt most of them would react the same way to you being gay." Kitty advised. "It doesn't help that my parents named me Kitty and hers called her Suzie. Honestly, we sound like most men's wet dreams."
"I think they already know. Someone must have already found out somehow." Jason sighed. "Nothing has happened yet but I've heard a few comments I think were directed towards me."
"They may be just rumours. You're not exactly the most cheery person in the world since you came here. Some of the things I've heard as to why are quite intriguing." Karen's face darkened. "If they do try anything I'll go after blood. I'm not losing my best architect because they're a bunch of Neanderthals."
"Thanks." Jason smiled weakly. It was nice to know someone he hardly even knew was willing to go to bat for him.
"Okay then. Get as much as you can done and get out of here by six. I don't want you here until all hours. The janitor should not see your office light on again. Go home to your guy." She smiled. "And tell him from me to keep up whatever it is he's doing to you. You tend to get better work from your employees when they aren't miserable all the time."
Jason arrived back at his apartment around 6:20 that night with a rather bad headache. He had spent most of the day fixing what two of the somewhat inept people on his team had somehow managed to screw up. He knew they had meant well, and they had both apologized profusely for the mess, but it still meant a lot extra work for him.
Bob and Brad Baxter were not bad people, they were actually quite nice and had always been kind to him, they were just bumbling idiots on most occasions and they could not be fired since they were the boss' nephews. He knew that their sister, Betty, also had a job with the company but was less trouble and in a different office, though she had worked under him before. He had not often run into the father, Bernard, who, like his sons, was not of much use. He had a lower management position and spent most of his time golfing with clients. The mother, Brenda, was the only one Jason had not had to deal with yet, seeing as she was a teacher and stayed away from the office. He didn't blame her. Quite frankly, he thought that people who named their children the way they had were a bit odd.
The day's only real bright spot was knowing he would come back to his apartment to see Tommy. He was a bit apprehensive, he knew Tommy was not yet satisfied with the reasons he had given him for leaving nor was he happy about the way Jason was now. Jason could not blame him since he was not too thrilled with himself these days either.
Jason simply could not seem to get what had and still was going through his mind out. He knew that his reasons for everything he had done were good, at least from his current mindset they were, but he had an almost paralysing fear that Tommy would, after seeing how weak and afraid he was, decide he was not worth it and leave him. Jason knew he would not be able to survive that, not now.
Some small rational part of his mind told him he was being an idiot. That if Tommy came looking for him after he left and sent him all those letters without any address and the phone call break up and everything else that he was not just going to walk away from him. He knew Tommy would never be that cruel and that he loved him too.
But his irrational fears would not abate and new almost self loathing did not leave him in the best state of mind, especially since Tommy had seemed so angry for most of the time last night. He didn't know what to do. Jason sighed, it seemed like he had not known what to do for the longest time and whenever he did know he ended up hurting himself even more.
For a moment Jason considered walking back out the door and going for a very long run or holing himself up in his office for the next few years maybe. Then Tommy appeared with a smile on his face and kissed him in greeting. Jason just melted. He was so tired of trying to fix his life only to have it fall to pieces on him that he was more than happy to let the only person, in his mind, who seemed to care about him call the shots for awhile.
"Are you okay?" Tommy asked, after studying his boyfriend intently for a few moments "You seem a little out of it."
Jason managed a somewhat shaky smile. "I'm fine."
Tommy frowned. The last time he had let Jason convince him he had been fine when he was obviously not there had been disastrous consequences. "Are you sure? You don't seem fine."
"I am. My head just hurts a little." Jason told him. "It just wasn't the best day I've ever had. I'm okay now." 'You're here.' He added silently to himself.
"Do you want some Tylenol or something?" Tommy asked. He could not think of any reason not to believe Jason, though he knew he was being nonchalant about it.
"That might be nice but I'm not sure I have any." Jason admitted. "I...uh...I haven't kept the best eye on how much stuff I have around."
"So I noticed." Tommy remarked dryly. "Your fridge is stocked now, by the way."
Jason's forehead creased a little. "You didn't have to do that, Tom."
"Yes I did. I was hungry." Tommy smiled. "And I was going to make you dinner but..."
"Ah." Jason smiled slightly, recognizing the smell of burnt food. "You didn't have to do that either."
Tommy laughed and repeated his previous comment. "Yes I did. I was hungry and I'm still hungry."
"There's a deli around the corner." Jason paused; he honestly did not know what kind of restaurants where around since he never visited them. "And I think there's a Wendy's few streets over."
Tommy raised his eyebrow slightly at Jason considerable lack of knowledge about the neighbourhood he lived in. Even if he never ate out it was hard to miss the IHOP, Mr. Greek, Great Wall and St. Hubert's that were all within a few minutes of the apartment.
"Actually I managed to put something together but first I wanted to show you something." Tommy told him, taking Jason's hand.
Jason smiled slightly. "What?"
"You have to see it." Tommy insisted, leading Jason down the hall.
"Should I close me eyes?" Jason asked, a tiny tinkle of laughter in his voice.
Tommy grinned, that he had not thought of. "I've got a better idea."
He stepped behind Jason and covered his eyes with his hands. Jason stiffened but only for a moment. The warmth of Tommy's body against him was the only thing that kept him from freaking out. Not being able to see what was coming at him, even in his own apartment was a scary prospect these days.
Tommy felt Jason's reaction to his playful gesture and uncovered his eyes immediately. He wrapped his arms around Jason's waist and leaned forward to kiss the side of his neck instead. "The door is closed anyway so you don't need to be blindfolded."
Jason raised his eyebrow slightly when he realized they were standing in front of the closed door of his bathroom. "You do realize that this is my bathroom right?"
"Uh huh." Tommy grinned impishly and swung the door open.
When Tommy opened the door you could have knocked Jason over with a feather. Jason knew why the previous owner had spent so much money on an over the top bathroom but he had never seen the full effect of what it looked like fully romanticized. It was quite stunning.
He and Tommy had never been very romantic around each other, and certainly never like this. Neither of them had really cared for it all that much, though it was nice on occasion. But the fact that Tommy would do something like this for him, even after everything that had happened, it took his breath away.
The whole room was lit with candles of all different shapes and colours and sizes. They were all over most of the flat surfaces including the far ledge of the bathtub, which was full of hot water and bubbles, and its corners. There was a small cooler beside the tub and a radio/cassette player Jason knew he had not seen before on top of the toilet lid. Jason also picked up a faint scent. He was not sure what it was but it smelt good and he had a suspicion that it came from the bubble bath.
"Tommy..." Jason mumbled in slight shock. "You...you did this?"
"Uh-huh." Tommy replied.
Tommy was quite pleased with the result even if he hadn't followed Kim's advice, which he had gotten in an hour long phone call, to the letter. In her opinion he needed Champaign or wine, roses and some ridiculously expensive jewellery. And all of the candles had been purchased at the dollar store where they were from three to five for a dollar. Knowing Kim she would have told him to get name brand candles, if there were such a thing, but who could really tell the difference?
Of course, he was pretty sure she was recalling something Rocky had once down for her, no doubt with the help of one of his sisters, while she was talking to him especially since at the end of their conversation she had said she needed to go jump her husband. Since neither or them really liked wine or roses or Champaign or ridiculously expensive jewellery he was pretty sure it didn't matter that he did not include any of those things.
"For me?" Jason questioned disbelief still in his voice.
"Who else would I do it for?" Tommy replied, wondering who else Jason thought he could have done it for since it was in his apartment.
"Why?" Jason asked.
Tommy had not been expecting that question but he had an answer for it anyway. "Because you're too tense and you deserve to relax a bit. When's the last time you did something for you?"
"Oh." Jason flushed slightly.
"Well, do you like it or what?" Tommy asked playfully. He could tell be Jason's expression, which was dumbfounded but pleasantly so, that he did.
"Yeah. I can't believe you would do this for me though." Jason replied, not even realizing that he had taken a step forward into the softly lit room. "Where did you get all this stuff?"
"The same place I got the food that's in your fridge. The mall around here isn't too crowded you know." Tommy commented. He knew Jason had never been into the mall thing, neither had he, but perhaps he would venture out to buy something to put a little life into his apartment if he knew he wasn't going to run into hordes of people.
"This is way too much." Jason told him. "I love it but...How much did this cost you to do this?"
"Don't worry about it." Tommy said firmly. "Stop worrying, just for tonight. You can start again tomorrow if you have to. I promise. It's done now; let me think of the cost. Just relax and enjoy it, okay?"
"O...Okay..." Jason mumbled, still blown away by the gesture. He really could not get the idea that someone would want to do something like this for him wrapped around his mind.
At that approval Tommy began to slowly strip Jason and himself of the clothing, making sure they were touching and kissing gently all the time. Jason eased into the warm water and leaned against Tommy, who had gotten in before him. He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment, tilting his head up to kiss Tommy softly.
"Thank you." He murmured as an arm wrapped around his waist. "This is more than I deserve."
Tommy frowned at that comment, glad Jason's eyes had closed so he couldn't see it. "Actually it's less. There's more, but just a little."
Jason eyes opened lazily, "Hmm?"
Tommy smiled and tried to reach for the cooler. He couldn't quite make it and ended up nearly slipping. Jason bit back a chuckle as Tommy cursed under his breath as he shifted and managed to grasp the cooler if only barely.
With a grin, Tommy opened the lid and revealed his final surprise. A medium size tub of Baskin & Robin's peanut butter chocolate ice cream. Jason's favourite kind.
At any other time Tommy would have laughed at the expression on Jason's face. It was a mixture of disbelief and the type of joyful surprise you find on the face of a little boy who's dad brought him home candy from the corner store. Tommy liked the expression so much he popped a spoonful of ice cream into the slightly open mouth and followed it up with a kiss.
"Mmm." Jason moaned into Tommy's mouth as they shared the taste of the ice cream.
"I wholeheartedly agree." Tommy said when they parted, a smile in his voice, as he licked his lips.
"I owe you a tub of caramel swirl for this." Jason told him, his eyes sparkling more than they had since Tommy arrived though still duller than normal.
"I'll hold you to that." Tommy murmured, eating his own spoonful and letting Jason initiate the kiss this time. He did, a little less forcefully than Tommy had but he still did.
As they traded spoonfuls and kisses their laughter became more frequent. Snuggled close together in the foamy tube and laughing frequently as they were it couldn't be helped that occasionally the spoon slipped and tasty smudges were left on noses or chins or cheeks. Generally licking it off just made more of a mess but it was fun to try.
There were a few bigger smears left behind when a kiss got more involved and the spoonful of ice cream got forgotten about even after it started to drip into the water or onto the two men trading tongues and tastes. One especially long kiss left Tommy with a dripping mess of ice cream on his cheek. Jason made swift work of it though, licking the tasty mess away as Tommy shivered pleasurably.
"Get it all?" Tommy asked playfully when Jason drew back.
"No." Jason teased, deliberately scooping some of drippy ice cream still on the spoon up with his finger and streaking Tommy's noise with it.
"Hey! You rat!" Tommy exclaimed, surprised but pleased. If it were not for the shadows that still lingered in Jason's eyes he would have thought nothing was wrong.
Tommy popped another spoonful in Jason's mouth and, as he kissed him, shifted so some of the chocolate would dribble down Jason's chin. When they broke apart it looked like Jason had stuck his chin into an ice cream cone. Tommy chuckled slightly, wishing he had a camera to capture the two of them at that moment.
"Got you back." He teased, pressing a short kiss to Jason's mouth and then leaving a chocolatey streak on his cheek by licking the area.
"So it seems." Jason replied cryptically. Though his tone was light Tommy had to keep himself from shuddering at that remark. It bordered on the reality of their situation too well.
"Don't you worry. I'll always get you back." Tommy replied, his voice more serious than he had planned.
Jason paused and stared at him for a moment, his eyes shimmering slightly with Tommy thought could be unshed tears. Then he diffused the situation by popping the last mouthful of their treat into Tommy's mouth and kissing him gently. It was different from the teasing, fun kisses they had shared well devouring the whole container of ice cream. It was slow and gentle and said more than Jason had the whole night. Tommy could feel Jason's lips trembling as they kissed and sought to reassure him, his tongue luring Jason's into a delicate dance.
They only parted when their lungs cried for oxygen. Jason sighed softly and lay back against Tommy, nuzzling his neck gently as he relaxed against his lover, his eyes closing in bliss. Tommy's arms wrapped around his waist again and he knew that he could not wait any longer for answers.
"Why was your fridge so empty this morning?" Tommy asked gently.
Jason's body stiffened slightly against him. "I haven't had a chance to go shopping yet. I normally just pick something up on the way home from work anyway."
"That thing of cream cheese had expired two months ago. If you picked food up on the way home they would be more empty containers around the house." Tommy sighed, carefully keeping the anger he felt out of his voice. "Don't lie to me Jason. Don't keep secrets because you think you're protecting me. I don't want to lose you again because I don't what's going on."
Jason pulled away from him slightly and sat up, hunching over as he wrapped his arms around himself. Tommy wanted to touch him, comfort him, but he didn't think Jason would let him yet. Their bodies were still touching, it wasn't that big a tub and, short of getting out completely, Jason could not really lose contact with him fully, but he had pulled away as much as he could, trying to distance himself.
"Tom...Things have changed. I've changed. There are a lot of things about me now I don't think you'll like. I don't like a lot of them but I can't...I don't know how to make it all stop." Jason's voice shook and his body shuddered slightly. "I'm not sure that you'll want to be with me anymore once you find out...I'm not...I'm not worth the effort."
"I should have told you before and when you leave me now it's going to hurt so bad but...but I needed this, you, so badly I..." Jason's wiped at his face roughly as his voice broke completely for a few seconds. "I haven't been touched in so long. No one has held me or really talked to me or...or cared about me since I left and then you come here and do all of this stuff for me because you think I'm the same person I used to be and it makes me feel like I could still be that person, that I still am that person and I can't...I'm not strong enough to stop you."
Jason bit his lip, the physical pain distracting him enough to let him finish. "I...Please, just...If you're going to go just do it now, please. I can't take this anymore. If you keep it up I don't think I'm going to survive going on without you again. Just go, please."
Tommy remained silent for a moment. Then he reached out and gently caressed Jason's bare shoulder, frowning slightly as the tense muscles trembled at his touch. He moved forward, wrapping his whole body around Jason. For a moment he thought Jason would resist but he did not. Just sat stiffly, enfolding in Tommy's embrace.
"I am not leaving you." Tommy whispered fiercely in Jason's ear. "Get that through your head right now. I will not leave you! I don't know what's going on inside you're head or why you think so poorly of yourself right now but you are worth the effort and you always have been. Yes, you have changed, in some ways you've fallen to pieces but I don't care."
"You are still my Jason. You are still the man that taught me almost everything I know about relationships with other people. You are still the man that would not let me self destruct and push everyone away when I was hurting because of what someone else did to me. You are still the man I couldn't help but fall in love with." Tommy felt his own eyes water as Jason's body began shaking in his arms. "You're just scared and hurt right now. But the part of you that has always spoken the most deeply to me is still there, no one can destroy that but you and you're such a wonderful person I don't even think you'd know how to."
"And I love you. I fucking love you." Tommy tightened his hold on Jason as if afraid he would run away or just disappear into thin air. "I've loved you from the start and that isn't easy for me to do. But you...you were this amazing, warm, wonderful person who walked right through my defences and into my heart and now you think I'm going to walk away from you, from all that, just because you've been hurt badly? It doesn't work that way, not for me. I love you. That means you're stuck with me. I won't let you go, not when I know you don't really want me too."
Jason's body shuddered and Tommy heard the soft, half chocked sob that managed to escape his lips. He was trying so hard not to cry. He wanted to keep it all inside. Tommy did not need him to break down and cry like a baby. He needed...He wanted...
"Let it out, Jase. I'm here, it's safe, I promise. You can cry. Just let it out. Please." Tommy's voice was gentle as it whispered to him. Had the first sob not escaped him Jason would have shivered in delight at the feeling of Tommy's breath lightly against his ear.
Jason's broad back heaved with his sobs. He didn't make a lot of noise, just very soft cries and occasional snatches of nearly incoherent words, but his body shook almost violently with the quiet sobs for a long time. Tommy continued to hold him, wrapping himself more tightly around his lover and murmuring soothing nonsense to him when he started to calm.
When the storm of Jason's tears passed his body sagged. He was exhausted. He did not protest when Tommy drew them both back so he was once again leaning against Tommy's chest while his lover leaned against the back of the tub. One arm rested across his chest and the other rubbed his stomach in slow soothing circles. Jason sighed softly and closed his eyes, letting his head loll to the side in the dip between Tommy's neck and shoulder.
"Did you really mean what you said?" Jason's voice was quiet and hopefully, almost like a child's. It somehow matched his face, still smudged with chocolate and now tearstained. He looked innocent and vulnerable Tommy wanted to hide him away and make sure no one ever hurt him again.
"Yeah, I really meant it, Jase." Tommy murmured. "You mean everything to me."
"My fridge is so empty because I never go grocery shopping. I do get fast food to bring home every now and again and I get something at work most of the time when lunch is delivered but I..." Jason swallowed. He owed Tommy the truth no matter how hard it was for him to answer. "But most of the time I don't feel like eating much and when I do eat I tend to feel nauseous."
"When was the last time you ate before tonight?" Tommy asked gently.
"I had a sandwich at lunch."
"And yesterday?"
"I had some soup at lunch and half a sandwich." Jason flushed slightly. It sounded worse when he said it out loud.
"That's not very healthy Jase." Tommy commented. "You've lost a lot of weight."
"I know." Jason sighed. "I know I should be eating more I just...I don't know. I don't think about it and I'm never hungry anymore."
"We'll work on it together okay?" Tommy assured him, mentally reminding himself to bring it up when Jason skipped a meal while he was there.
"Okay." Jason shifted slightly, his eyes still closed. He couldn't recall the last time he had felt this exposed and vulnerable and, at the same time, so safe. He knew there were more questions coming and that most of them he wouldn't like to answer but above all he felt safe, cared for and a great deal of relief to no longer be dealing with everything all on his own.
"How often do you have nightmares?" Tommy asked, remembering what he had seen last night.
"Every night, sometimes more than once unless I..." Jason paused and opened his eyes to look up at Tommy. "How do you know I've been having nightmares?"
"Last night you started to move around and mumble in your sleep. It didn't look like you were having very good dreams to me." Tommy told him. "You calmed down when I touched you."
"Last night was the best sleep I've had in ages." Jason confessed. "Thank you."
"What do you normally do to get rid of the nightmares?" Tommy questioned, becoming concerned when Jason didn't answer for a few seconds. "Jase?"
"I exhaust myself." Jason mumbled. "I run or do something so that I get so tired I don't dream."
Tommy was silent for a long moment. He wanted to yell at Jason for that. He really wanted to know what the hell Jason thought he was doing playing with his health like this. First the eating habits and now this...but Tommy would not let himself get angry. If he yelled like he wanted to Jason would just withdraw into himself again and that wouldn't help anything.
Taking a few deep breaths Tommy managed to calm himself down. His voice was slightly strangled, between his anger and sadness. "Why are you doing this to yourself, Jason? Why?"
"I...I don't know." Jason closed his eyes tightly not wanting to see the disappointment he could hear in Tommy's voice on his face. "I just can't deal with those dreams. I can't. I can't do it."
"What do you see in them that's so bad?" Tommy questioned.
"I see..." Jason's voice was shaky. "I see what I would have done if I hadn't gotten that transfer. I...You're there...You're there and you're trying to help me but I don't see you until it's too late and the car is already falling into the gorge and I can't take that dream, I really can't because I know I would have done that and I didn't want to but I didn't see any other way out and I don't know how to deal with that or how to stop it and I...God, I...It hurts so much to see that again and again and I can't stop it. I can't stop it. Stop it!"
"Shh. Jase, calm down. It's okay, it's okay." Tommy had not expected that reaction out of his lover, the breathless rambling had scared him and so had the physical reactions that went along with it. Jason's skin was flushed and he was breathing so heavily his chest heaved, Tommy was worried he might throw up or hyperventilate.
Tommy watched as a tear managed to escape those tightly clenched eyes and reached up to wipe it away even though it was worth nothing more than the gesture since his hand was already wet. He paled slightly as he realized Jason could be reliving that dream behind his tightly closed eye lids.
"Open your eyes, Jase. Everything is okay. You're safe. Open your eyes." Tommy was nearly pleading.
The dark eyes opened and, though slightly glazed and disoriented, gazed into Tommy's with clarity. Jason reached up and tangled one hand in Tommy's hair as he kissed him firmly, needing to reassure himself and his lover that he was there in that moment instead of one that could have easily been had only a small thing been different. Tommy tightened his arms around Jason's waist after his lover had shifted slightly for better access. He would not let go of him for a long while afterwards.
They clung to each other for a long time after the intense kiss had ended. Jason's hand remained tangled in Tommy's hair as he pressed his face into the side of Tommy's neck and encircled his back with his other arm. Tommy held Jason's tightly, both his arms around his waist, with his cheek resting on the top of Jason's head.
It was when Jason started to shiver because the bath water had cooled that they finally released each other. They were still touching, they couldn't have stood being without contact at the moment, but they were not completely wrapped in the other arms.
"There's still more we need to talk about." Tommy told Jason gently as they bath tub emptied and they both stood next to each other, leaning so close they touched, clad only in towels.
"I know." Jason was tired. All these emotions were wearing him out, especially since he had pushed them away for so long.
"Should we fill up the bath rub again or get in bed?" Tommy asked.
"I don't..." Jason paused. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to get into bed and curl up in Tommy's arms but what if that wasn't what Tommy wanted? What if...?
"Jase?"
"Do you mind if we go to bed to talk? We don't have to but I would rather..." Jason trailed off uncertainly.
Tommy kissed him lightly, trying to settle whatever fear had just been brought forth in his lover. "Of course we can. I know this is hard for you. Wherever you're more comfortable is fine by me."
They cleaned up quickly, holding hands as they did. The candles were blown out, the bathtub emptied, faces were quickly washed and the empty ice cream container was chucked into the trash can. Tommy was loath to throw it all away and end the night's endeavour into the art of romance but not as much as he had expected to be. They had made some headway. Jason had not shut down on him. He was actually starting to open up.
They still had a long way to go yet, and Tommy was not sure he could handle it all alone. Some of Jason's newly formed traits, like his negative outlook on himself, might be best left for a professional to deal with. Trying to get Jason some therapy would be an idea to breach at another time though. Right now there were still things they needed to talk about concerning the past several months.
Nearly three hours later they lay in bed together, both utterly exhausted emotionally. Jason was curled up in foetal position, his head resting under Tommy's chin and the rest of his body pressed tightly against him. He was shivering slightly, the deep chill that had resided in the pit of his stomach as he told his lover everything would not yet abate. Tommy holding him close and the warm nest of blankets tucked around them was thawing it gradually.
Tommy was absently stroking Jason's back, his arm was getting tired from the constant motion but it seemed to sooth Jason well so he kept it up. His mind was in a whirl. Jason had answered all of the questions he had had, albeit somewhat brokenly for some of them, and the answers had left him reeling for the most part. Tommy had realized that, really, Jason had been trying to protect them all even though it was killing him to be without the people he most loved.
"You really thought you were doing what was best for me, all of us, didn't you?" Tommy murmured not really expecting an answer. Mentally he wondered how much it must have cost Jason to make that decision, knowing that he would be leaving his whole support system behind for a scary, new world that did not promise to be any more accepting than the one he had left.
Jason shifted uncomfortably. Why did Tommy have so much trouble accepting that? He didn't understand it. Of course he had left without saying anything because he it was for the best, not necessarily the best for him but for everyone else yes. He wouldn't have put himself through the last seven months if he didn't think that!
"It was for the best." Jason muttered sleepily. "It just didn't end up working out like I thought it would."
Tommy sighed softly. "Promise me you won't do something like that again. Jase, I don't want to be without you. Nothing is the best for me if it means I don't have you. And doing what was 'best' for us did this to you...It's not worth it. Please, next time you're thinking of doing something like this in anyway talk to me first. We're in this together, now and forever."
Jason knew there was no point arguing with Tommy. He had that steel tone in his voice that had been dubbed the "leader voice" back when Jason was still in charge. He just nodded slowly.
"I'm going to hold you to it, I mean it." Tommy warned, hoping Jason was not doing this just to pacify him.
"I know...I'm glad." Jason admitted softly.
"Good." Tommy breathed a sigh of relief.
Jason snuggled closer to Tommy, nearly plastering himself against him. His muscles were beginning to relax, not because he was any more settled, but because he was getting so drowsy he could barely keep his eyes open. The hurricane of emotions that had been running through him nearly all day, and the start of purging some of those emotions, had wiped him out completely.
He felt a kiss being pressed against his forehead as he fought, and lost, the battle to keep his eyes open. "I love you, Jason."
A tiny smile flirted across Jason's face at those words. How he enjoyed hearing them whispered to him again! "I love you too."
With that Jason settled into sleep, satisfied with life for another night. Tommy stayed up for as long as he could manage, soothing Jason until he feel into too deep a sleep to dream, and just watching him, studying him. It had not been long ago that he had thought he had lost Jason forever, now that he had him back he would relish every moment they shared together. And he had a feeling Jason would too.
Tommy was the first wake up the next morning. It was late morning and Jason was still dead to the world. Tommy couldn't recall the last time he had seen the other man sleep this deeply. Even when they were still in Angel Grove, before all this trouble had started, he had not been this heavy a sleeper.
'Guess all this shit will do that to you.' Tommy thought, stroking Jason's back affectionately.
For a moment Tommy entertained the idea of getting up, showering and maybe even making something for their breakfast but dismissed it quickly. He knew he would freak out completely if he had woken up this morning and Jason was no longer beside him. He did not want to find out how Jason would react.
So he carefully reached over and rummaged through his bag, which was beside the bed, and pulled out a book. Actually, it wasn't so much as book as a binder with a bunch of information Trini had printed out about the area Jason now called home. She had figured he would not have done much exploring of the area and had sent it along with him. Tommy had not thought it would be much use but Jason really had not seemed to register what was around his apartment.
Tommy wondered, briefly, just how much of the past seven months Jason had really registered, or if it was all just a blur of loneliness and pain and trudging onwards despite the fact all he wanted to do was lay down and give up. At least that was what the passage of time, seemingly as slow as a comatose snail, had been to him at points.
Jason stirred, mumbling indistinct words when Tommy moved away slightly. He settled quickly when Tommy's fingers ghosted down his back. Tommy marvelled at that change. Jason had always been an affectionate person but he had never been an overly huggy feely type. Now he seemed to crave any type of contact he could get.
'It was different for me though.' Tommy mused as his hand continued to absently stroke Jason's broad back. 'I had all out friends still supporting me and loving me. They were there whenever I needed a reassuring touch, and I did need it at times. The girls hugged me way more than usual, I guess they thought I needed that and maybe I did. Who gave that to Jason? No one.'
It saddened Tommy to think that but he knew it was the truth. After what Jason had told him last night he no longer had doubts about that. Jason usually made friends very easily, he had this open, warm quality about him that never failed to draw people to him. But here he had avoided that. Had avoided everything.
'Those damn letters I got were probably the closest thing he had to having a real conversation with someone.' Tommy realized sadly, absently hugging Jason closer. 'That would have been extremely hard for me and I'm much more of a loner than he is. Jason just thrived off being around people.'
"It'll be easier for you from now on, Jase." Tommy murmured softly, leaning close to let his lips stray to Jason's cheek. "I promise it will."
"Mmm..." Jason murmured, still more than half asleep. His eyes fluttered open briefly, slightly glazed with sleep still but warm as he looked at his lover. He smiled slightly and then snuggled deeper into Tommy's arms, falling fast asleep again quickly.
For a few moments Tommy didn't dare to breath. He wanted Jason to sleep for as long as possible. He had plans for today too and did not want Jason to be exhausted for them. It was time for Jason to finally get acquainted with the area he lived in.
I am all that I'll ever be
When you - lay your hands over me
And don't go weak on me please
I know that it's weak but God help me I need this
"I can't believe you sometimes." Jason laughed as he opened up his apartment door. "You're such a goof."
"You love me, you know it." Tommy chuckled, kissing Jason before they could even get through the door.
"Mmm..."
They stumbled into the apartment together, lips and bodies pressed tightly together. Somehow the door was closed and they started to strip each other. Fumbling with stubborn buttons and zippers, they made their way to the bedroom.
"You know," Jason gasped as Tommy nibbled at his earlobe. "I thought you were going to jump me when I showed you that beach after dinner."
"I nearly did." Tommy admitted. "You've been getting to me all day."
"Mmm. The feeling is mutual, believe me." Jason moaned as Tommy's hand slipped over his hip bone to rub his growing erection through his boxers.
The atmosphere between them had been sexually charged most of the day. Since Jason had come out of the shower and joined Tommy for breakfast they had both felt it. It had carried throughout the whole time they had spent exploring the city together, laughing and joking and trading carefully concealed touches as they went. Jason hadn't had such a good time in what seemed like forever and Tommy was happy just to watch his lover enjoying himself.
That wasn't to say there hadn't been some bumps. More than once Jason had reacted badly to something; withdrawing into himself again. Tommy had patiently led him back to wherever the car was parked and coaxed him back out of his shell in the little space of privacy offered by the front seat. Careful words and gentle kisses soon had at least a small smile on the shadowed face.
Seeing that little smile again always sent sparks into his heart and into lower regions. He knew Jason was feeling at least somewhat of the same thing by the way he leaned into the hidden caresses with barely veiled eagerness.
It had reached a melting point when they were out to dinner together and a boiling part when Jason had showed Tommy the only part of the city he knew. The beach where he had considered himself unworthy of a happy ending far too many times to count. They had not stayed long because if they had they both knew they would not be able to keep their hands off each other for much longer.
So it did not surprise Tommy that they were falling into bed together, already naked, just barely after they had gotten in the door. He just hoped they'd locked the door in their rush to feel their skin rubbing together.
It didn't take long for them to both reach their limits; though it took longer than the first night Tommy had been there. They came within seconds of each other. First Jason, gasping Tommy's name in a breathless whisper, then Tommy as he felt Jason's warm come shoot deep inside him as his cock brushed against his prostate.
They snuggled together in the aftermath of their climaxes, completely sated for now. The fact that Tommy had to leave in the morning loomed over them but, for now, they were content to be together for the few hours they had left.
Goodbyes were horrible. Even though they both knew that they would see each other again soon and that they would speak before then it was so hard to let go of each other in the morning. They showered together, ate breakfast practically in each other's laps, and repacked Tommy's clothing holding hands. It was too painful to let go a moment before they had to.Standing at the curb with Tommy already in the car, Jason decided the only way this could have hurt more was if Tommy was leaving him forever as he first thought he would. The only solace he had was the knowledge that Tommy would be back next week hopefully and if not then the week after that.
"I'll miss you." Jason mumbled, feeling a blush rise in his cheeks.
"Me too." Tommy sighed. He didn't want to leave! "I'm going to call you from wherever I stop the first time. Then when I get home. Then sometime tonight when you're at home, okay?"
"Thanks." Jason said softly.
Tommy smiled wanly. "I'm doing it as much for me as for you Jase. You know I don't want to do but..."
"You have to. You have to go back to Angel Grove and back to work. I know. I don't want you to throw away your life there just because I had to give up mine." Jason sighed.
"You are my life, Jason. Nothing matter as much as you do. Don't forget that okay?" Tommy murmured. Jason still looked sceptical but he nodded.
"I love you." Jason whispered, managing to keep his tears at bay as he leaned in closer to Tommy.
"I love you too, Jase. You know I do." Tommy replied, tilting his head up so he could capture Jason's lips once more.
They kissed slowly but desperately and were both a bit misty when they had to part. Tommy reached up to grasp Jason hand.
"I'll be back." Tommy told him and then turned on the car before he lost his nerve.
"I'm counting on it." Jason said seriously but managed a lopsided grin to try and lighten the statement.
Tommy cast one last lingering gaze it his lover before driving away. He hated to do it, he really did, but he did not have another choice at this point. He had to go back, Rocky needed him at the dojo tomorrow! It was so unfair though!
A single tear trickled down his cheek as he glanced in his rear-view mirror and saw Jason standing on the curb, watching him go.
He would stand there long after Tommy was no long visible.