Author's Note: Thanks go, as always, to Mandi, my amazing beta who I would be lost without. And, this time, to everyone, Rene, Kris, Traci, who prodded me when this got shoved to the back burner. It's almost done! Just one more chapter to go and Hey Baby will be over! I'm unsure whether to throw a parade or bawl.
Feels Like Home
"Come on, Jase. It'll be good for you. Even Dr. Gamin thinks it's a good idea." Tommy would not pressure Jason into doing this. He would not pressure him at all. But he wasn't above a little persuading.
"I know," Jason sighed, pulling the President's Choice lasagne out of the oven. "I just... Are you sure they even want to see me?"
"Yes! Do you know how many times I've had to thwart attempts to get your address? They want to see you. All of them. They miss you," Tommy sighed softly. "Just think about it, okay? And if you decide to go I promise you'll have a good time."
"I guess so..." Jason still looked uneasy about seeing his friends again. What the hell do you say to the people you walked away from nearly a year ago? "But if I end up deciding not to go you'll understand, right?"
"Of course." Tommy wrapped his arms around Jason's waist from behind. He kissed the back of his neck as he felt Jason relax slightly. "I know this is hard for you. We go at your speed."
Jason leaned into Tommy's embrace, relishing the flood of warmth that flowed through him as the strong arms tightened around him and those wonderful lips caressed him gently. "I wonder what would have happened if I had gone at my speed before?"
A slight tremor ran through both of them at that thought. It had been four months since Tommy had found Jason and over time things had changed in the little apartment.
On his second visit Tommy had brought two full boxes of the things Jason had left behind. Since then a steady migration of Jason's possessions had made their way to his new home. The apartment looked lived in now and all the pictures and knickknacks reminded Jason, even when he was alone, that he was still very much loved.
But the changes in the little apartment were nothing compared to the changes in Jason himself. Tommy knew now that he would never get the old Jason back, the scars he bore were simply too much, but the person who had emerged from the broken man four months ago was just as lovable as he had ever been.
Jason wasn't quite as confidant as he had been before but the warmth and openness that had first attracted Tommy to him was still just below the surface. He was physically stronger than before as his main stress reliever was hitting the gym. At first Tommy wasn't too thrilled about that, the things Jason had told him about his sleeping habits still fresh in his mind, but after assurances from both Jason, and Jason's psychologist, he relaxed a bit.
Jason always attributed the changes to Tommy but he knew a great deal had to with the psychologist he had started seeing, Dr. Kris Gamin. It had not taken long for Tommy to convince his lover he needed professional help, Jason had known things had spiralled out of his control a long time ago but hadn't cared enough to seek help. Now he had Tommy back, now he had a reason to keep going.
The respected psychologist had come at Karen Mills' recommendation. Jason had felt he needed to tell her why he would no longer be able to stay until all hours of the night working anymore; especially on days he had sessions, during their hunt for a psychologist. She had rummaged around in her desk for a few moments and given him the card for the psychologist one of her friends, who had been clinically diagnosed with chemical imbalance that caused severe depression, and told him he could take time off if he needed it.
Jason had been grateful for the support if completely opposed to the idea of taking any large amount of time off. He liked he the job too much and when Tommy wasn't visiting... well, he would rather be there instead of his apartment anyway.
And Dr. Kris Gamin turned out to be a very wise choice. She was the right person for Jason, young, earnest and occasionally quite frank when Jason seemed to refuse to open his eyes to what was real and what was clouded by his grey lined thoughts.
Jason turned around in Tommy's arms and tilted his head up slightly, Tommy had about an inch on him. As their lips meet Tommy thought of the one change that he actually rather enjoyed.
Jason had become much more affectionate than before. Of course, he had always been an affectionate type of person, allowing his normally reassuring touch to say what he couldn't express in words, but he was not the huggy feely type the same way he was now, at least where Tommy was concerned. He snuggled a little further into every embrace and reached out for Tommy more often.
Tommy could relate to that. He vividly remembered the time, after he finally managed to get it through his head that he was not going to be abandoned, that he had wanted constant reassurance, usually in the form of hugs, from his adopted parents. It had been nearly too much for him to believe that they were really there, that the really wanted him and it made him yearn for, almost need, all the hugs and shoulder pats and kisses and touches that he had been without for too long.
'Abandonment issues' Tommy thought hazily as Jason's tongue slid into his mouth. 'That's what my case evaluations always used to say, that's what Dr. Gamin said about Jason. We're both scared of being left alone...'
Tommy tightened his hold on his lover at that thought. It would not happen. He wouldn't let it. Nothing and no one was taking Jason away from him ever again unless Jason truly wanted it that way. They needed each other far too much.
Jason moaned into his mouth and leaned back, allowing Tommy to press against the counter slightly as he tangled his fingers in the long hair...
CRASH
The sound made them leap apart. Well, Jason did most of the jumping, Tommy was less startled. As soon as his elbow had hit the plate on the edge of the counter as he moved to slide his hand under Jason's shirt he had known it would fall but was hoping they could ignore it.
It had spooked Jason, though, and Tommy knew he wouldn't calm down for a few minutes more. Plus they now had pieces of broken ceramic on the floor at that wasn't the best thing to make out near.
"Crap," Tommy muttered. "Sorry about that."
"S'okay. Just don't make throwing my dishes around a habit," Jason said, covering his momentary panic with a nervous laugh.
Tommy quirked a small grin for Jason's benefit before getting the broom out of the hall closet. Jason had come a long way since that night Tommy had found him, but that didn't mean there wasn't a long way to go yet.
Jason hated having to work when Tommy was in town but he hadn't been able to get out of it this time. The investors in the project he was head of pushed the opening date up two weeks and he had to scramble to make sure everything would be perfect on time. He could do it without much trouble. It just meant taking one day off instead of two and staying an extra hour each night.
They way things were going it looked like he might get out a bit early. There were just a few more details left for the day. He wouldn't be able to do much more until Monday.
It wasn't unusual for his office to become grand central station when a project was nearing completion, particularly if it was a large project, so Jason did not ever bother looking up when he heard quite a few people enter the room. He needed to get the latest design details finished before he left. Whoever was there to see him could wait a few moments.
"I'll be with you in a minute," Jason commented distractedly. He was too absorbed to really care who it was. Karen always laughed when it turned out to be her waiting and no one else in a position above him ever bothered with him. He didn't have to worry about offending anyone.
A low chuckle was the reply to his offhand comment and before Jason could look up a pair of rough hands grabbed him out of his seat. Jason reacted immediately, twisting and throwing the would be attacker off him.More hands replaced the ones he had evaded, more than he could avoid, and soon he was shoved against the office wall.
All the air in his lungs seemed to rush out and for a moment his air way seemed locked. Jason realized he had had the wind knocked out of him, that he had to calm down or it would make things worse, but his mind reeled with panic as a hand covered his mouth as he struggled to breathe freely again.
"We don't want you here, you fucking faggot. We tried to get the bosses to get rid of you and some of us got demoted for it so we're going to take you out our way. But first... First I'm going to give you what I know you want. My bitch girlfriend won't put out and thinking about that lesbo cunt has got me horny."
Jason's eyes widened as full fledged panic hit him. He had to get away. Now. His body leapt into action even as his mind reeled with what could easily happen if he failed to get out.
Later he would not be able to completely recall what had happened. Fuzzy details were all he would ever remember. The next clear thing he knew was pressing his back against his office wall while Brad forcefully shoved seven guys out of the room and Bob tried to talk him out of his shock.
Jason would later be told that he had bitten the hand holding his mouth shut and had nearly managed to take down all his assailants when Bob and Brad heard his yelling and broke the door down. They had finished up what Jason had started. Jason had, when he saw he was no longer in danger, retreated as far away from everyone as he could in the small space. The adrenaline and fear were too much for him and he absently realized he was shaking like a leaf in a tempest.
"Jason? Boss, can you hear me?" Bob asked, trying to keep his voice from betraying his own panic and being sure not to touch the shaken man in front of him.
Jason nodded numbly and managed to lift glossy eyes to look at Bob for just a moment as if reassuring himself he would not be attacked again. He felt oddly detached from what was happening and what had very nearly happened to him. He knew his body was shaking, knew his knees felt about ready to give out on him, but his mind could not seem to process it.
"Shit," Bob muttered, reading the symptoms of shock far too clearly on his boss and friend.
Jason slid down the wall, breathing shakily. He curled into himself and put his head on his knees, trying to convince himself he was actually okay.
He vaguely became aware of Bob crouching next to him, speaking to him in a low voice and being very careful not to touch him. He was glad. He wasn't sure how he would react to being touched.
Then Tommy was there. Jason wasn't sure how he was there or when he had gotten there just that he was there and that he would help make everything okay. Tommy did not move to touch him either but sat next to him and spoke softly to him as he waited for Jason to come to him. He was not sure how Jason would react, even to him and he knew doing something wrong could have desperate consequences.
Jason hesitated for a moment, and then crawled into Tommy's arms. He sagged against him, not having the drive to do anything more. He felt so sluggish and distant from what was going on around him. He vaguely heard someone say something about the police being on their way and then, as a blanket was tucked around him, something about shock. Everything was too blurred and fuzzy to make much sense of though.
Then, slowly, he became aware that Tommy had started speaking to him. Or maybe he had been speaking to him the whole time and it had just been part of the garbled mess before. He wasn't sure. All he knew was that it was there now, gentle and reassuring. It was enough of an anchor to pull himself out of the murkiness that had been clogging his mind.
Jason shuddered once as awareness seeped back into his muddy mind. He felt Tommy's arms tighten around him and realized his body was still trembling.
"Tom?" Jason was surprised by the sound of his own voice. It sounded so small.
"Yeah, I'm here, Jase," Tommy murmured.
"I don't feel so good," Jason told him.
"There's an ambulance on the way," Tommy said. "The police are coming too."
"Oh." Jason looked up at Tommy briefly. "I don't feel that bad."
Tommy smiled wanly. "I know but your boss seems to think you need to be checked out."
'And you went into severe shock on me there. I don't care if you look like you've snapped out of it now somebody is going to make sure you're really okay!' Tommy thought to himself. Jason did not need to know that though, it wouldn't do any good.
"Oh. Okay," Jason mumbled, burying himself further in Tommy's embrace. "You'll stay with me, right?"
"Of course," Tommy answered automatically. He was not actually sure he'd be allowed to stay with Jason but at this point he was uncertain anyone would be able to separate them. Jason had a grip on him that almost hurt.
A commotion outside the door signalled the arrival of two paramedics. They checked Jason over as thoroughly as they could. The fact he flat out refused to leave the safety of Tommy's arms made it harder but since he was conscious and coherent, if a bit dazed, and the only physical injuries he had were a few bruises and a split lip, they could not do much anyway. One of them suggested Jason might want to see some kind of counsellor to deal with the emotional ramifications of being attacked before they left.
It would be another four hours before Tommy could get Jason home. After the interview with the police, which went fairly well all things considered, they were both more than ready to escape to the safety of Jason's apartment but before they could do that Tommy was taking Jason to see Dr. Gamin.
When he had called her and told her of the situation she had cancelled her two afternoon appointments so that she could see Jason. It was a long session, Tommy wasn't sure if he or Jason found it more tiring. But by the end Jason didn't seem as dazed as before and was processing what had happened to him.
That night was hard. All of Jason's old demons, the ones he had fought so hard over the past four months and was still fighting, attacked with a vengeance. He just didn't seem to know which way he was going. He was clingy but trying to push Tommy away at the same time, he would start to say something and then shut his mouth abruptly and draw into himself again, he wanted Tommy to be close, to be touching him and then he jerked away from physical contact...
Tommy wanted to shake him. He wanted to yell at him and tell him repeatedly that if he did this, let those... those things have this sort of power over him then they won. But he couldn't. He knew if he did that it would send Jason skittering away from him and the last thing he wanted was for Jason to withdraw more. At least part of the time he was semi open but if Tommy did anything unexpected... he didn't want to find out what kind of a reaction that would cause.
But most of all he wanted five minutes alone with the people who had done this to his lover. He wanted to make them feel the hurricane his lover was struggling through, had been struggling through for too long, and then some. He wanted revenge. Badly.
It was, surprisingly, Jason who pulled Tommy out of his foul thoughts.
"We're still going to Bill's, right?" Jason asked quietly, when they were attempting to eat dinner but really just picking at their food.
Tommy looked up surprised. "Yeah, if you want to go."
"I do." Jason's voice became more firm. "I want to go. I'm not going to let them... what happened... I'm not going to let it stop me. I want to see my friends again. I think... I think I need to right now."
"Do you want me to tell them what happened today before you get there?" Tommy asked.
Jason hesitated slightly but then nodded. "Yeah. I don't want them asking about it. I'm not sure how well I'll handle that."
"Don't start pretending it didn't happen," Tommy said with a slight frown. "You know what Dr. Gamin said, you can't just pretend this didn't happen. You have to deal with it just like everything else."
"I know," Jason sighed. "I just... I don't want to talk about it with them. I'm just contacting them now; I don't want to have to deal with this at the same time. It's too much."
"Okay," Tommy told him, not wanting to push their luck too far. "That's understandable."
Jason nodded somewhat glumly and then reached out hesitantly and took his hand. Tommy had been wary about touching him and had tried to let Jason initiate it. He wanted Jason to feel that he was in control. "I'm trying. I'm sorry I can't... I can't do better but I'm trying not to... not to do this again."
Tommy felt his frustration soften at that. He cupped Jason's cheek gently, giving him the chance to pull away and relieved when he didn't do so. "I know. I'm so proud of you, Jase. I can't say I know how hard this is for you but I've seen the results. I'm not sure I could have survived as well as you have. You're strong. You'll get through this, I know it."
Jason smiled weakly before releasing a tired but lightened sigh. "I'm so tired..."
"It's been a long day." Tommy's thumb stroked Jason's cheek once absently before he moved as if he was getting up to clear the dishes.
Jason squeezed his hand tightly, making Tommy stop. His face was flushed slightly and his tone verged just on the edge of panic. "I need you with me tonight. I need you close. Please, I..."
"Shh. It's okay. I know. I'll be right next to you," Tommy assured him. He felt a sliver of guilt. Jason had picked up on his reluctance to touch him and misinterpreted it.
"Sorry..." Jason mumbled.
"It isn't your fault, Jase. It's never been your fault and you know it," Tommy told him fiercely.
Tommy leaned forward and kissed Jason very softly. He was as gentle and loving as he knew how to be, letting Jason take control. He hoped Jason could feel just how proud he was of him and how much he loved him through the contact.
They headed to the bedroom after that, leaving the dishes on the table. Neither worried much about that.
Jason was asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, he stayed awake just long enough to snuggle as far as he could into Tommy's arms.
Tommy remained awake for nearly the whole night. Jason's rest was frequently interrupted with nightmares Tommy couldn't soothe him out of. He was powerless to stop them. Touching Jason just made the dreams worse, re-enforcing the sinister aspects of the nightmares.
Waking him wasn't much fun either. It took a few moments for Jason's bewildered mind to clear and he wouldn't know where he was. The fear and despair that played over his vulnerable, still sleepy features broke Tommy's heart.
Eventually Jason would calm enough to realize what was going on. He would crawl into Tommy's arms, still trembling slightly, in desperate need of reassurance.
It happened six times that first night. Finally utter exhaustion caught up to Jason and he fell into something between sleep and unconsciousness where he did not dream.
Both of them were still understandably shaky the next day. Jason didn't go into work that day or the next; Karen had told him if she saw him there she would send him home. Over a dozen of his co-workers called to check up on him, most expressing anger at what had happened. That was heartening. It let Tommy know that when he had to leave again there would be people there looking out for Jason and let Jason know he was not going to suffer through a repeat of what had happened in Angel Grove.
Other than two trips to Dr. Gamin's office they didn't leave the apartment. They curled up together and just vegged for the two days. Jason was doing well, better than Tommy had expected him too even, but he was still hurting and vulnerable.
It was beyond hard for Tommy to leave him to go back to Angel Grove.
He knew he couldn't put it off any longer, that he had to get back to work, that Rocky and David couldn't keep covering his classes for him, but that didn't make leaving Jason when they needed each other any easier.
The nights had passed slightly easier than the first but they had still been hard. Tommy did not want Jason to have to deal with waking up after those nightmares alone. They had managed to get past his old ones but these... they were something else all together and Jason knew it. He looked heartsick as they stood together beside the car. Tommy wanted, more than anything, to be able to go back inside the apartment and hold him until all the pain was erased.
Only if he did take any more time off he wouldn't be able to go with him to Billy's cottage and he knew that doing that was a big step for Jason. He couldn't hinder it by not being there. He just held him as tightly as possible before getting in the car, wishing he didn't have to let go.
"It's only a little more than a week," Jason mumbled. Tommy was unsure which of them he was trying to reassure.
"You had better call me," Tommy told him. "Any problems, nightmares, anything, call me. I mean it."
"I will." Jason buried his head in Tommy's shoulder for a moment and let a sigh escape. "I promise. I'll be okay."
"I don't want to go," Tommy whispered, closing his eyes against the tears that threatened.
"I'll be okay," Jason repeated, sounding surer of himself. He pulled away enough to look at Tommy. "I love you."
Tommy could not help the tiny smile as he heard those words. No matter what happened Jason was his and he was Jason's, anything else was no longer an option for either of them. He tilted his head slightly and drew Jason's lips against his own, whispering against them, "I love you too."
It was late when Tommy's phone began to ring. It took it a few minutes for the incessant sound to break though and rouse him from his sleep. He rolled over, groaning, and fumbled for the offending machinery, deciding to pick it up and almost growl a hello instead of letting it fall back on the hook by only the slightest margin.
"Hello?" Tommy's tone wasn't the most pleasant, but it was, he glanced at his alarm clock, three in the morning.
"Tommy?" A strained, weary voice answered.
Tommy came awake at once and abruptly sat up in bed. "Jason? What's wrong? Are you alright?"
"Yes... No... I... No... Tommy..." Jason fumbled for the words, any words, and Tommy could hear his voice hitch in distress.
"Shh. It's okay. Calm down," Tommy soothed. "What happened?"
"I'm sorry. I know you're probably tired, you were probably sleeping. I shouldn't have called. I'm sorry. I'll..." Jason said in a rush of only half coherent words.
"Jason, stop. You're rambling. You have to calm down," Tommy instructed, his tone firm but comforting. "Breathe. It's okay."
Tommy heard Jason inhale shakily. He waited patiently even though he was desperate to know what had happened. When the breathing he could hear over the phone was steady, the raggedness lost, he spoke again, his voice gentle, "Better?"
"Yeah." Jason's voice was quiet. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I told you to call. I would have been mad if you hadn't," Tommy assured him. "You had a nightmare?"
"Yes," Jason replied even more softly.
"Do you want to tell me about it?" Tommy offered.
"No!" Jason's voice was chocked for a moment but before Tommy could open his mouth to comfort his lover Jason had regained control. "No. I can't... Not right now. I just... I had to hear you. I need you with me, even if it's just like this."
Tommy sighed. "I would do just about anything to be able to hold you right now."
For a moment there was silence and then, "I'm not sure I would let you if you were here."
Tommy winced in sympathy. "That bad?"
"Yeah."
"Why? What happened today? I thought the nightmares were getting better," Tommy asked.
"They were. I..." Jason sighed. "After you called tonight I got a call from the police. They've got a couple confessions, and a motive. Apparently I got the job the ringleader wanted. He's been out to discredit me since I transferred here. The others are friends of his and to top it all off they're homophobes. All of them are as far as the police can tell."
"Do you know what they are being charged with?" Tommy asked.
"Yeah. There's quite a list. The police have been great so far. They're charging them with anything they can think of. So far it's assault, sexual assault, attempted murder, hate crimes, possession of stolen goods because two of them had knifes that were taken from a store a few days ago and they've all been dismissed without compensation," Jason replied. "Karen has been irate and the release of the finalized plans has been delayed so the head boss is after blood."
"Not yours I hope," Tommy muttered.
"No. Karen is nearly invaluable to him and she's stuck her neck out for me." Tommy smiled, he liked that woman.
"What about the police?" Tommy questioned. "How have they been? You didn't tell me earlier, you changed the topic. I was worried."
"They were fine. All of the ones I saw were fine." Jason paused for a moment. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. It was just too close, you know?"
"Yeah," Tommy hesitated for a moment. "You are going to talk to Dr. Gamin about it, right?"
Jason snorted. "Like I could get out of it even if I wanted to."
Tommy snickered more for Jason's sake than anything else. Then something occurred to Tommy. "How did they know, Jase? I thought no one knew about us."
"According to the police it's just dumb luck they found out I was gay. There were rumours. I never confirmed them but I never denied them either. I… I didn't want to hide again. I couldn't. Some people figured it out and a few had seen you picking me up a couple times. Those things got around. Then one of them saw us leaving a restaurant about a month ago holding hands and put it all together," Jason sighed. "Actually, that reminds me or something I meant to ask you. That day, how did you get there so quickly? I know Bob and Brad didn't know about us until you got there."
"Jase, it took me nearly half an hour to get there after Karen called me," Tommy told him. Sometimes he worried about how fuzzy Jason's details of what had happened after he had been out of danger were but Dr. Gamin had assured him it was probably because he had been in shock. "I think Bob took them right to her and she called me. I just came; I knew I had to get to you. You haven't had any more problems at work, have you?"
"No but I haven't been in for more than half a day so far, Karen keeps sending me home and I can't say I mind, but everyone was really supportive. Bob and Brad have been appointed my body guards I think," Jason told him.
Tommy chuckled. "By who?"
"They decided it themselves. They're worse than Karen is about checking on me," Jason sighed, surprise and exasperated affection in his tone. "It's surprised me how much everyone has cared."
"Not everywhere is like Angel Grove," Tommy replied.
"I know but... It's kind of hard to think that way sometimes, at least for me. I hate it but I can't help wondering if that's going to happen again," Jason admitted. "I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Things are changing here too. I think a lot of people realized they did wrong by you now," Tommy mentioned.
"I'm not coming back." Jason's voice was firm and bore no room for discussion. That was one thing he was adamant about.
"No. I don't think you should and I would never want you to when I know it still hurts," Tommy said gently. "All our friends know it too. You don't have to worry about that."
There was a hesitation on the other end. "Did you tell them all?"
"Yeah. I left out a few details but they know and they know not to mention it,"Tommy assured him. "They were concerned and they want to see you again but no one is going to push."
"Good. I just can't yet. It doesn't make any sense but..." Jason trailed off uncomfortably.
"That's okay. Not everything has to make sense all the time," Tommy told him. "And I do understand. If I were you I wouldn't want that to be hanging over my head the whole time I was supposed to be on a vacation either."
"This is so messed up," Jason sighed.
"It could be worse," Tommy replied. He had said that many times when Jason started spiralling downwards again but normally he had responded to Jason's self hatred. At least he was acknowledging that the situation had been out of his control.
"I know," Jason said around a yawn. Tommy could tell exhaustion was creeping up on his lover. Jason had to be emotionally spent from everything that had happened over the past few days.
"Go to sleep, Jase," Tommy told him gently.
Jason sighed. "I don't really want to."
"I know but you sound like you're going to anyway," Tommy replied. "Look, I'll stay on the phone with you, if you want."
"That'll cost you too much," Jason told him even though there was a wistfulness in his voice that let Tommy knew what he really wanted.
"You called me, remember? But I'd split the cost with you, okay?" Tommy deliberately made his voice soothing. Jason did not want him to stop talking; it was the best comfort he could get without Tommy beside him. Tommy wasn't above manipulating Jason a little so he got a good night's sleep.
"Oh. I… You don't have to do that, Tom. I'll be fine," Jason insisted but Tommy could hear his was wavering by his tone.
"I want to. I need to know you're okay, Jase," Tommy said seriously. "I love you."
"I love you too," Jason sighed, giving in.
"Are you already in bed?" Tommy asked.
"Yeah."
"Good. Lay down and don't worry about talking anymore. I'll tell you…" Tommy searched for something. "I'll tell you about what's been going on here, okay?"
"Mmm," Jason replied in a vague affirmative.
It was worth the crick in his neck and the loss of sleep the next morning when Tommy awoke with the phone still to his ear, the sound of Jason's peaceful breathing barely audible through the earpiece.
It was… nice getting to listen as Jason slowly woke up and being able to talk to him and tell him how much he loved him before they had to hang up so they could both get ready.
It was an eye opener.
Something in Tommy unlocked and he realized that things had to change again. Jason, their relationship, was too important to keep taking a back burner because of geography and Tommy knew what he had to do to make it right.
"When is he supposed to get here?" Billy asked.
Tommy sighed and glanced out the window. "Anytime now. He'll be here. He would have called me if he had changed his mind."
"If you say so," Billy said but his tone doubtful.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Tommy asked as his eyes narrowed.
"Calm down, Tom. I was not trying to be offensive. From what you have told me, Jason has had a very bad experience and that may set him back. Both of you have placed a great deal of importance on this weekend, perhaps a little too much. He may not want to call you because he does not want to disappoint you," Billy pointed out.
"Shit," Tommy sighed before offering Billy a wryly smile. "When did you get so… insightful?"
"I live with Trini. It was inevitable," Billy replied.
"I still think he would call me," Tommy commented. "He wouldn't just not show up."
Billy shrugged. "All I have heard about Jason over the past year is what you have told me. Far too much of that news has been a little disturbing and out of character for the person who has been my closest friend for years. I cannot help but worry for him."
"He has changed. It isn't as noticeable now as it was when I first found him but there have been changes. I don't think they were avoidable, unfortunately. But he never meant for any of this to happen," Tommy said, coming to his lover's defence.
"I never thought he did. I remember well the feeling of the need to flee and hide," Billy reminded him sagely.
Tommy sighed. "Neither of you should have had to feel like that. I'm s…"
"Don't you dare apologize. It was as much my fault as it was yours and more out of our hands than anything. The same goes for the situation Jason was unfortunate enough to be in," Billy said fiercely.
Tommy was surprised by the intensity with which Billy spoke. He opened his mouth to say... something, he was not quite sure what, when his cell phone rang. He exchanged a glance with Billy; both hoping Jason hadn't changed his mind about coming.
"Hello?"
"Hi." Jason's voice was quiet.
"Hey, Jase."Tommy kept his voice quiet and comforting deliberately. "You okay?"
"Guess so," Jason mumbled.
"Where are you?" Tommy asked, growing more concerned by the distress he could hear in his lover's voice.
"I'm just... about ten minutes down the road, I think." Jason's voice was quiet. "I don't know if I can do this, Tommy."
"Do you think you can do it if I'm with you?" Tommy asked gently.
Jason sighed, uncertain. "I don't know. I... I just don't know. Tommy..."
"I'm coming, Jase. You just stay there. I'm coming," Tommy assured him, already moving out the door, leaving Billy to grab the phone as a choked sound could be heard on the other end.
Jason was parked about ten minutes down the road that lead to the cottage. Tommy opened the unlocked passenger-side door and climbed in next to Jason, waiting for a signal as to whether he would accept comfort or reject it.
After a few moments Jason sighed and crumbled slightly so his head rested on the steering wheel. Tommy's hand drifted up and down the back of his neck, letting the soothing strokes help relieve some of the tension that had built up in his lover's body.
They stayed like that for about ten minutes, and then Jason raised his head to look at Tommy, his dark eyes weary. "Hey."
"Hey," Tommy replied. "You okay?"
Jason nodded glumly. "This is harder than I thought it would be."
"Do you want to turn around? We can go home if you want to," Tommy offered.
"No," Jason responded immediately, stubborn steel in his voice. "No. I'm not doing that. Just… Just give me a minute, okay?"
"We can take as long as you want," Tommy assured him as he drew Jason into the protective circle of his arms.
Jason sighed and nuzzled his face against Tommy. "I'm so lucky to have you. I love you so much."
"About as much as I love you." Tommy rested his cheek on the top of Jason's head and closed his eyes, simply being in the moment.
They held each other for a long time, until Jason's tense muscles were nearly fully relaxed. Jason broke the silence with a soft sigh that was muffled by Tommy's shoulder. "I hate feeling like this. I hate being so fucking scared. I want it to stop."
"It will in time," Tommy told him, speaking from experience, "but I think you can make it stop. I know you'll get through this, Jase. I have faith in you."
Jason didn't respond. He held onto Tommy for another moment before letting go. He sighed and turned on the car. Tommy was glad it was only a few minutes to Billy's cottage. He didn't want Jason to over think this and end up turning around.
When they pulled into drive-way Tommy watched as Jason visibly gathered himself before stepping out of the car. Tommy put a comforting arm securely around him. Jason welcomed the touch. It helped to have Tommy's support but he knew, soon, he would have to be able to walk on his own.
Tommy could see Jason put up defences as he opened the front door, knowing Billy was waiting for them. He hated that Jason felt he had to brace himself to see someone who had once been his best friend. He could feel the tiny trembles coursing through the strong body. Getting through this would not be easy.
Billy was waiting in the front room. He turned when they entered and found himself at a loss for words. He had planned what he was going to do when Jason got there. He was going to give him the space he needed, keep things light, act like nothing had changed, but now that he was here, now that he saw him he couldn't think of anything at all.
Jason stood awkwardly at Tommy's side. Tommy grew very concerned as the silent stand off stretched on. He could feel Jason grip his hand convulsively and knew if something didn't happen soon he would be out of there.
Then Billy moved forward and hugged Jason hard. He couldn't help it. His original plan went out the window entirely.He hadn't seen his friend in so long and he looked so... different. So frightened and vulnerable and not right that Billy, who was not one for a lot of physical contact, had to hug him just to reassure himself that Jason was real, was actually there.
Jason hugged Billy back just as hard. He could feel Tommy's hand still resting on his back, grounding him and supporting him. His main focus remained on Billy and the nearly overwhelming relief that rushed through him.
"I'm so glad you came." Billy's voice was a tad broken. "I missed you."
"I know. I'm sorry. I missed you too," Jason replied his voice and body shaking slightly.
When Billy let go Tommy took over, hugging Jason tightly from behind and holding him as he began to calm. Billy took a tiny step back, wiping at suspiciously moist eyes, as Tommy whispered something to Jason. Billy looked at the two of them and smiled, doing more to reassure Jason everything was okay.
It would have worked if Kim and Trini hadn't chosen that moment to come up from the waterside and into the cottage. They took one look at Jason started determinedly toward him. Kim even let out a bit of a squeal.
Tommy caught the panicky look in Jason's eyes, the girls didn't.They hugged him within an inch of his life, chattering all the while. Kim alone could be overwhelming when she was excited and she was ecstatic that Jason had finally come back to them. Jason began to feel terribly confined.
"Bill, is there anywhere I can take him to calm down. He's really close to panicking and he'll bolt if he does," Tommy whispered, already shifting to get Jason out of there.
Billy looked at him, worry in his light eyes, "Is it that bad?"
"He's not the best in crowds, especially recently. It's just too much for him right now but we're working on it," Tommy replied, his eyes still on Jason. "Can you explain?"
"Yeah. Your room is down the hall, the second door to the right," Billy told him.
"Thanks," Tommy said with a sad smile.
Billy ran interference with the girls while Tommy wrapped an arm around Jason's waist and led him away. Jason leaned heavily into him. Tommy could feel his body quaking and quickened his pace.
The room was quiet and, because it got the morning sun, shady and cool. Tommy quickly got Jason laying down, not trusting him not to simply collapse if he didn't, and held him tightly. Jason was just glad for the reprieve and the opportunity to just breathe while Tommy held him and his heart stopped thumping so fast it felt as if it would beat out of his chest. He hadn't been comfortable in crowds yet and it had felt like there had been a crowd in that room. The urge to get away had been brutally demanding.
"Maybe we did this too fast," Tommy murmured, moving his hands up and down Jason's back in long soothing strokes.
"No," Jason said, his voice a bit muffled. "No, I want to be here. They just caught me off guard."
"Jase, you're shaking like a leaf." Tommy pointed out in concern.
"It was just a bit too much, it started to feel really crowded and then... well, you know what happened the last time," Jason said with a touch of embarrassment in his voice.
"Yeah, I do," Tommy said quietly.
The second day after the attack they had gone to the store to pick up some groceries and there was some sort of sidewalk sale going on in the plaza. The amount of people there had been far too much for Jason to handle and he had literally run back to the apartment. Tommy had been beyond worried to see him run off and then find him huddled and shaking in the apartment.Once they were out of the crowd it hadn't taken long for him to calm down.
His reactions had gotten better since then but they weren't great. He was flushed and shaking from the relatively small crowd in the living room. Tommy didn't think all of Jason's reaction was because he felt crowded through. Feeling crowded had been the catalyst for all the pent up tensions of getting to the cottage and seeing his friends.
"God, they're going to think I'm completely messed up now," Jason sighed, he was starting to calm down but that meant he could start worrying again.
"No, they won't and you're not. You've got to stop thinking like that, Jase. They know what happened. They shouldn't have rushed at you like that, if anything I bet they'll feel bad for scaring you," Tommy told him before adding, with a smile. "They were just really happy to see you again."
Jason smiled wanly, "Yeah, I noticed that."
"Good!" Tommy's grin broadened and he kissed Jason lightly. "You do realize you're not going to be able to avoid getting in contact with the others now, right?"
"I wouldn't want to even if I could avoid it," Jason replied. "I needed this, I didn't realize how much until I saw Billy but I do."
"Thank God! No more having Zack and Kim trying to weasel your address out of me! I think they had a bet going over who could get it first." Tommy felt Jason give a snort of laughter but other than that, the tremors had subsided. "Zack is going to want to come visit as soon there's a break in the show's schedule. He wanted to be here this weekend but…"
"New York is farther away than Angel Grove," Jason replied. "I know he would have been here if he could have swung it."
"You think you're ready to go back out there?" Tommy asked.
"Yeah," Jason said without moving.
"You have to get up to do that," Tommy reminded him.
"I can't," Jason replied cheekily.
"Why not?" Tommy asked a bit confused.
"You're pinning me down!" Jason chuckled.
"Oh. Right," Tommy realized that he was basically on top of Jason. Jason could get him off if he really wanted to but Tommy was glad he didn't feel he had to.
"So? Are you going to get off me or are we going to stay like this for awhile longer?" Jason asked.
"I'm getting up," Tommy replied.
"Pity," Jason smirked.
"Later," Tommy replied with a grin and somewhat lengthy kiss. "At least one of them is probably waiting for us and if they hear moaning in here they might get the wrong idea and come charging in to see what they can do to help."
Jason woke up shortly after dawn the next morning. He stayed in bed for a time, just listening to Tommy breathing and the birds that were just waking up outside the window. He figured he should have felt threatened, Tommy was sprawled on top of him, the weight almost pinning him to the mattress. But it was a warm weight, and felt more like a comfort than a threat.
He lay there and simply relished it. His fingers traced over Tommy's back, through his hair and down his peaceful face. He relearned the welcome sight of his love, fresh and golden as sunlight began to stream through the window. He had woken before dawn tipped her face over the horizon so Jason had been treated to an array of hues and tinges breaking across his lover's sleeping face as the broke upon the earth, from the ethereal, pale tinge of the waning night to the golden hue of early morn. It stole the breath from him.
Eventually, the growling in his stomach disturbed him enough to make him want to leave the cocoon of security and warmth Tommy unknowingly provided for him. He slowly slipped out for underneath his lover, careful not to disturb his rest. He thought briefly of waking him but Tommy had stayed up with him after a nightmare rocked him from his sleep, as he had done over the phone for many nights, and Jason did not want to cost him more rest than he already was. Besides, Tommy was never at his best in the morning, making Jason appreciate his calm and care when he was soothing him out of the grips of his dreams even more.
Jason pulled on a pair of socks and a sweater to combat the morning chill that seeped into the cottage. He grinned slightly as he padded softly down the hall, trying not to wake anyone else up. Billy had wanted to the cottage rustic, despite the large size, and refused to turn on the heat unless it was really cold. The mornings were always a bit chilly because of that but not cold enough to complain about. Besides, it was an extra incentive to snuggle during the night.
Jason was surprised to find Billy sitting at the kitchen table, sipping a mug of coffee, if the beverage could be called that since it looked more like motor oil, and reading a book Jason could not see the title of with a half eaten blueberry bagel at his elbow. He glanced up when Jason entered the room and smiled warmly.
"Morning. There's bagels and coffee around, well, you know where things are from the last time you were here," Billy said refering to an occasion about five months before Jason had left Angel Grove when the whole gang had managed to get up there. It had been hectic but it was one of the last really good memories Jason had associated with his old life. "Trini and Kim will mostly likely insist on cooking enough food to feed a whole contingent of people when they decide to greet the day but there should be enough there to tide you over."
"Thanks." Jason remembered that it used to be assumed he would just take what he wanted; Billy did the same when at Jason's home. It would take time to rebuild that effortless, ultra casual side of their relationship.
Jason fixed himself a bagel and a cup of tea; he had never enjoyed coffee though he used to drink it like a fiend before deadlines at work. Now he made a conscious choice to drink tea, though he had never been fond of it until he started drinking it regularly. He did not need to drink coffee to stay awake any longer and certain types of tea helped him to relax. He still had trouble sleeping through the night and, though he had discussed it with Dr. Gamin, had decided against taking medication to help, instead opting for other methods like drinking chamomile tea, keeping a small lavender pillow on his bed, and sleeping in one of Tommy's spare sweaters when Tommy wasn't there. It helped so Jason wasn't about to knock it.
They ate in silence for a while. It wasn't comfortable or uncomfortable. It was a bit strange though and seemed to stretch for longer than it actually lasted. Jason could tell Billy wanted to ask him something, he could guess the topic easily enough, but wouldn't because of Tommy's warning against it.
'Well, we're not going to get anywhere if he can't even talk to me,' Jason thought. 'I have to start somewhere...'
"You can ask me, you know," Jason said, surprised that his voice sounded as steady as it did. Maybe it was the fact he'd already finished one cup of tea or maybe it was the time he had gotten to spend wrapped up with Tommy earlier but he definitely felt calmer then he had when discussing his problems with anyone but his lover or psychologist.
"Hmm... Oh." Billy blushed a little at having been caught with that look of intense curiosity he had never managed to hide well even after all this time. "Tom advised us against it."
"I know but for some reason this morning I feel less, well, skittish. It's fine by me if you want to ask something but I can't promise I'll answer everything," Jason told him.
"That's more than fair." Billy looked at his friend carefully. "I would never push a conversation further than you wanted it to go, Jason."
Jason nodded, "I know you wouldn't. I'm just telling you in advance there are some things I'm not willing to discuss yet."
Billy considered Jason for a few long moments; the light green gaze gently held Jason's own midnight eyes and Jason knew from that look that Billy was not going to hurt him, not intentionally, not if there was anything he could do to keep that from happening. In fact, if he were reading the look in those green eyes correctly, Billy would fight tooth and nail to keep him safe from others as well, just as Jason had done for him during their school days.
"We worried about you," Billy said at last. "Were we right to?"
"Yeah," Jason sighed. "I've been really messed up for awhile. I'm trying to make things work again but it hasn't been easy."
"You had our support, you know, even while you were gone you always had it," Billy commented.
"I know that now," Jason admitted. "Then I wasn't so sure. Later I wasn't sure about anything."
"Then Tommy found you."
"Then Tommy gave me something to be sure of again," Jason replied. "I fought him on it for awhile but he wouldn't give in until I was sure of us again."
Billy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Jason's hands tightened around his mug, sensing the next question or comment would not be exactly nice but was something Billy had to say. "You know, when you first left I was incredibly angry with you. Tom was devastated, we all were but he was just... I could not believe you would do that to him."
A blush stained Jason's cheeks and he looked down, unable to met Billy's eyes. The already consciously gentled gaze softened further and Billy did something as rare for him as the hug the day before, he laid his hand atop Jason's and squeezed it in support. Jason's eyes flickered to Billy's face and he felt relief seep through him at the slight smile he saw there.
"Then I reminded myself of who I was thinking about and realized how hurt you would have to be for you to feel you had to abandon your home, and the family you have in us, to spare us pain. I can only imagine how wounded you must have been to be driven to that and I will never be able to express how sorry I am that you had to go through it alone," Billy said quietly.
Jason swallowed the lump that formed in his throat. "I wouldn't let anyone in to help, Bill, I wouldn't let anyone see I needed help even. You couldn't have done anything."
Billy shrugged, "In hindsight I find it nearly impossible to believe how many signs we missed. The situation was out of control but we all missed how much so until it was too late and you were out of our reach. We did not take very good care of you, that is what we promised to do for each other, what you did so many times for us. I'm sorry we could not do that for you."
"I'm not sure how much you could have done except maybe soften the blow for me a little," Jason told him truthfully. "I would have had to leave anyway. I never blamed you guys for what you didn't do or see, I never even thought of that. You treated me like everything was normal and I think that's what I wanted at the time. And those wounds, they're there but they're healing and I think that is something you can help with."
"Jason, anything you need anyone of us would be more than willing to give," Billy told him.
"Please, don't be afraid to touch me. You've been good about that but the girls haven't. I know I freaked out yesterday but not because I can't be touched. I can't deal with crowds so well yet," Jason blurted out. That had been playing on his mind for some time. "Even Tommy hesitates sometimes and it bothers me. It makes me feel... damaged somehow."
"You are not damaged, Jason. Do not ever think you are. Tommy does not think that. Judging from what he has told me, which I admit is less than I asked for, he is hesitant because he fears your reaction will be negative, which it could very easily be under the circumstances. It had nothing to do with him not wanting to touch you. If he had his way I believe he would haul you off somewhere no one could ever hurt you again and hold you from now until the end of time," Billy said with such conviction Jason could not help but believe him.
"Logically, I know but my heart has trouble understanding it sometimes. When I wake up from the nightmares I've been getting lately I don't want anyone near me for a while but other than that..." Jason sighed, very touched by Billy's words. "He's my comfort. I need him to touch me, to just be with me. If he hadn't been there after the attack I don't know what I would have done."
"Tell him that. Let him know..."
"I won't freak out on him if he touches me," Jason commented dryly, needing to lighten the conversation for at least a moment. It was getting too thick. He needed air.
"Well, I would not have put it in such crude phrasing, but essentially, yes," Billy replied with a quirky grin.
They shared a smile for a moment and Jason chuckled before saying, "I'm sorry it took me so long to do this."
Billy waved the apology away. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You do not give yourself enough credit. It took a great deal of courage to get yourself this far, even I can see that. I know you were worried, probably even scared, of something here and seeing us again but you did not hide those fears. You recognized them, expressed them and confronted them or else you would not have been sitting here with me discussing this earnestly. You give no intention of letting any type of set back force you into submission. There is a great deal of strength in that. Do not negate how far you have come. Do not apologize to me when we both made mistakes that brought us to this point."
"I still have a long way to go yet," Jason told him truthfully. "I hate it but what happened was a big set back."
"Yet you still came and you can admit that to me, someone you have not seen or spoken to for months," Billy reminded him.
"I know you aren't going to hurt me." Jason's eyes were resolute with that belief and Billy swore to himself he would do everything in his power to see that belief was never shaken.
"I am very glad you are aware of that fact," Billy replied.
"What did Tommy tell you happened, exactly?" Jason wondered after a moments pause. He needed to change the subject, the intensity of the moment needed to be broken.
Billy, for once in his life, did not really think, just parroted back a very brief summery of what Tommy had told him. "He told Trini and I that you were attacked at work, your attackers came into your office, managed to catch you by surprise, pushed you up against a wall and threatened to rape you and then kill you but you managed to get away before anything could happen."
Jason shuddered at the words, he had avoided using them directly except with Dr. Gamin and even then, his reaction was bad. They would not be avoidable for too much longer but they were still very sharp and cutting. The memory of what could have been, as seen too vividly in his ghastly nightmares, was too fresh for him, the edges were still to jagged to touch.
Billy tightened his grip on Jason's hand, realizing his mistake quickly, "Are you alright?"
"I'll be fine," Jason replied automatically even though he knew before the words left his mouth he was not.
"You're shaking." Billy gripped his hand even tighter to try to stop the trembled that consumed it. "Jason..."
"I'm going to put my hands on your shoulders, okay? It's just me. I won't hurt you. I'm just going to slide my hands onto your shoulders. Relax." The voice was gentle and very welcome but the fact it had come from behind and unnoticed made Jason flinch violently.
He braced himself for the contact but even so winced sharply and let out a shuddering breath when the careful hands made contact with him. He closed his eyes tightly, his breathing sharp, and gripped Billy's hand convulsively, trying to get through the moment.
The hands moved in slow soothing circles on his shoulders until enough of the tension and his body relaxed enough for them to dip lower. They paused as the tension returned and continued when it ebbed until Tommy had enfolded him in his arms, in what Jason had once called his safety zone.
Jason pressed against him, letting his face turn into the side of Tommy's neck as he tried to will his breathing and heart to slow. His lungs were constricting painful and he could not control the harshness of his breathing. Tommy's hand moved up and down his arms soothingly, helping to ease the tremors from his body, and the other held him tightly. He was murmuring in his ear, a soft mantra of, "You're safe. You're safe. You're safe." that helped penetrate his sudden panic.
Billy held both his hands tightly, adding his support. He was inwardly cursing himself from making such a stupid mistake, although he could not have known Jason would react that strongly to the words.
Jason's most vivid association with the attack was hearing words relating to rape or murder because of the harsh words hissed into his ear during the attack. The stark, easy wording of the situation made it that much more real and he was not ready to deal with it, not without being safely held in Tommy's arms while in Dr. Gamin's office and even then it was iffy. Words and crowds bothered him much more than touching did, they were his two weakest points concerning the attack.
It took time for Jason to calm; luckily, it was still early and neither of the girls had stirred yet. Eventually, the tremors passed and he relaxed in Tommy's arms, nearly going limp as he felt terror's grip on him wane and subside. His grip on Billy's hands slowly loosened and he winced slightly as blood began to flow freely into them. He knew if he looked at his fingers, they would be white from the strain.
"Uh... I'll go get some... tea," Billy said awkwardly.
Jason realized Tommy had probably made some suggestion for Billy to leave. Tea wasn't a bad idea though, he thought in a detached sort of way. He was still a bit shaky and anything could send him over the edge again.
"Hey," Tommy murmured, his fingers gently stroking Jason's cheek. "You with me?"
"Yeah," Jason replied, his voice was soft but steady.
"What set that off?" Tommy asked.
"The words. Remember what happened in Dr. Gamin's office?" Jason sighed. "It was worse this time. I wasn't ready for them."
"You were talking about it?" Tommy asked, not sure whether to be surprised or angry or both.
"It's okay." Jason opened his eyes and pulled back just enough to look at Tommy. "I really was fine until the attack came up. I started the conversation as well."
"It's probably a good thing you did; the wrong things were just mentioned I guess." Tommy sighed, hugging his lover closer as he decided to say what he had been mulling over since Jason's first early morning phone call.
"I think we need to consider talking to Dr. Gamin about a prescription for something to help with these panic attacks," Tommy said, going on quickly as Jason made a sound of protest. "I know you don't like the idea but the attacks really incapacitate you. What happens when you have one and I'm not around?"
Jason shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't had that many bad ones yet..."
Tommy raised an eyebrow, "No? Jason, Karen calls me when you have to leave work because of them. You've had too many that she knows about. How many have you had where she hasn't called me so I can phone you and talk you out of it?"
"A few. I... They haven't been that bad... except one that was," Jason mumbled.
"What happened?" Tommy pressed gently.
"I don't even remember what set me off. Or getting home. I just found myself huddling beside the bed and it was hard to breath. I was so out of it I couldn't even think to call you." Jason moved further into Tommy's arms. "It took me almost all night to calm down again."
"Oh Jase," Tommy sighed softly. "That can't be happening. It's not acceptable and could get you hurt. We have to find something to help you with this."
Jason sighed, "I know. I don't have to like it though."
Tommy was silent for a moment. "There's something else that might help. I still think we need to look at some sort of medication but... I've been making arrangements to leave Angel Grove."
"What?" Jason jerked back. "Tom, you can't do that! Your life is in Angel Grove. I don't want you to lose that."
"You are where my life is," Tommy said fiercely, making Jason meet his gaze. "I should have left with you in the first place. I don't have a place in Angel Grove anymore, I haven't in months, maybe even since you left. I've been hanging on to something that's not there for me anymore."
"But... But your job... Your friends..." Jason stammered.
"Our friends, the people who have accepted us, are the only ones I need. Everything has been taken care of. I've got a job lined up. Rocky has already found someone to replace me as an instructor. I've even done some online browsing of buildings if I decide to open my own dojo sometime in the future," Tommy told him. "I even found a place to stay if you're going to stay mad at me for doing all this without telling you beforehand."
"Oh." Jason considered protesting but there was not much he could do. Besides, he could not help but feel a tremendous amount of relief and contentment. "I hope you didn't make any kind of down payment because you're moving in with me."
"Good, that's what I wanted and no, I didn't," Tommy admitted. "I shouldhave been with you all along."
Jason did not comment on that. He did not want to dwell on it. Instead he opted to settle back into Tommy's arms. "Maybe we should find a new apartment altogether. When are you moving in?"
"In two and a half weeks. I would have thought you'd protest more than this," Tommy said.
Jason shrugged, "I can't come up with anything to disagree with. I don't like that you have to do it but..."
"I don't have to, I want to," Tommy corrected.
"...I can't help but be glad you're going to be around all the time," Jason tilted his head back and smiled slightly at his love. "I won't have to miss you anymore."
"Ditto." Tommy grinned before gently, carefully pressing his lips to Jason's.He was relieved when Jason responded and he deepened the kiss as his hands slid further up Jason's back, holding him closer.
They only broke apart when the heard a loud, "Ahem!" behind them and turned to see Kim standing a few feet away, a wide grin on her face. They both blushed and Jason buried his head in Tommy's shirt, laughing so hard his body shook.
"So, should I make breakfast or are you two going to have another source of protein this morning?"
"Dammit!" Tommy sighed in frustration as his marshmallow caught fire yet again.
Jason laughed, "How many is that now?"
"Seven. Shut up," Tommy grumbled. "I'm doing this one handed."
"So am I," Trini commented from where she sat across the fire. "I haven't burned any."
"You've always sucked at roasting marshmallows," Kim added. "Don't blame it on the one handedness."
Tommy scowled and looked at Billy expectantly. The other man was concentrating on his own marshmallow. "Well, aren't you going to insult me too?"
Billy looked slightly startled, he had not really been following the conversation, and said, "Uh... You're funny looking?"
It was hard to tell who laughed harder but through his blush Tommy seemed to win out. As they calmed down, Jason shifted closer and took the stick from his hand. Tommy wrapped his arm tighter around Jason and rested his chin against his shoulder.
Jason smiled and put another marshmallow on the end of the stick. He stuck it back over the coals as Tommy pressed a tiny kiss against the side of his neck. It was heavenly, being able to sit like this without worrying about suffering for it later.
The other three smiled indulgently at the show of affection. The weekend had started out roughly but had steadily progressed into a very enjoyable time. At first, Jason had almost been scared to touch Tommy in front of them. When they had not reacted badly after Jason had needed Tommy's touch to ground him he had started to relax. Not having to second-guess everything he did was a wonderful feeling for Jason.
"So, what's going to happen now?" Trini asked quietly as Jason worked on slowly turned the goldening marshmallow.
Jason remained silent for a moment before raising his dark eyes to meet his friends' one by one. "I'm not going to disappear again, if that's what you're thinking."
"I was not particularly worried about that," Billy told him. "After all, we know where you live now. I am, however, faintly concerned you will decide to put off contact with us and the others again for prolonged periods of time."
"Yeah," Kim piped in. "We care about you, Jase, and we've missed you so much. We're not going to let you get by with just visits once in a while so don't even think you can away with that!"
Jason flushed slightly in embarrassment but could not help but smile at the comment. Being around his friends and Tommy like this... It made him feel normal again.
"I don't want to do that again," Jason admitted. "But... It's hard sometimes. It sounds ridiculous but sometimes I have to make myself do things that should be so hard."
"It's not ridiculous," Trini said firmly. "And we're going to put as much effort into keeping in touch as you will. We're not letting you out of our lives again."
"Thank you." Jason blushed. "I want you guys in my life again even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes."
"We know," Trini assured him. "It's hard. We know. We get it and we're not giving up on you. Now or ever."
"Yeah, that's right," Kim agreed. "And if you ever forget that again you're going to be taking it up with a couple pissed off Pink and Yellow rangers."
"Uh-oh!" Billy grinned wickedly. "That is certainly a deterrent. Utter doom awaits those the fearsome Pink Ranger has marked for reve... Oof!"
No one was sure if Kim's half-cooked marshmallow hit his glasses first of if Trini had pushed him off the bench and it had fallen onto the lens that way. Which ever was first the end was the same, Billy ended up on his back in the sand with a marshmallow stuck to the lens of his glasses.
As he picked himself up the two former female Rangers exchanged a high five. Kim smirked, "You were saying Bill?"
For a moment, Billy did not know what to say in reaction. He finally settled on picking the sticky mess off his glasses and popping it in his mouth, ignoring a few grains of sand on the tacky sweet, "Thank you. It was most delicious."
Trini rolled her eyes. "That's it. I'm limiting the time you spend with Rocky and Zack. They're rubbing off on you too much!"
For a moment Billy was concerned the girls were actually upset with him but Trini threading her fingers with his again made the thought evaporate. "Yes Ma'am!"
Tommy felt the vibration from Jason's chuckles and smiled, shifting so he could wrap both arms around his waist and rest his chin on Jason's shoulder. The other man moved just a little, bringing the stick up slowly. Tommy could see the perfectly golden brown marshmallow on the end.
"Do you want it plain or do you want a s'more?" Jason asked.
"S'more," Tommy replied. The chocolate and graham cracker could hide the taste of the marshmallow, which he didn't actually like. It was part of the reason he burned them all the time. The other reason was he just couldn't seem to stop them from catching on fire.
Jason pulled away just enough to stick the marshmallow between the chocolate and crackers before handing the sticky snack back to Tommy and settling back against him. Tommy freed one hand from its comfortable position around Jason so he could nibble on the gooey, yummy mess.
"You're going to get crumbs all over my shoulder like that," Jason teased.
Tommy made an exaggerated show of popping the last bite into his mouth and then wiping off Jason's shoulder. Jason grinned and kissed him, sharing the taste of the S'more. They broke apart when Trini and Kim started whistling, much to Jason's embarrassment. His face turned beet red as he tried to contain his laughter.
Tommy buried his head against Jason's shoulder to smother his laughter, "Why'd we think this was a good idea again?"
"Don't know, it was one of yours," Jason replied cheekily. For only Tommy's ears he whispered a very quiet, "Thank you."
Tommy just grinned and gave him a squeeze as the teasing was picked up by their friends.
It was good to be home.