Chapter 5: If That's What it Takes
Rogue was sitting on the sidewalk outside of the antique jewellers in Edinburgh, she'd thrown up into the sewer grating nearby, her nausea wouldn't allow her to go into the store, the place smelt old and dingy, and the lighting was bad. Rogue sighed. She wasn't sure what was worse, the guilt of keeping secrets from Remy – who she'd already told she had no secrets from – or the nausea which was making her so ill she could barely stand it. She promised herself silently she'd never drink again.
Remy had been gone half an hour, and she was beginning to grow concerned, "what could Remy possibly be doing in there?" she asked of herself, she looked back and forth over the street, it was quiet, a very bitter but sunny Sunday, a lot of stores were still open although most had closed early.
The day had been full of worry for Rogue. They'd saw a movie, although Rogue had been unable to pay attention, and had to excuse herself four times to rush to the bathroom to be sick, the hangover still completely dominating her for the day. They'd looked around stores in a mall, but hadn't bought anything, and then finally, they'd left to go to the antique jewellers, where Rogue was sitting outside of.
In the half hour that Remy had been inside having the ring looked at, she'd done more thinking about Jared than anything else. Worrying about how she was going to tell Remy about this without setting off any worries.
If Remy's life hadn't been so complicated recently, Rogue felt she might have told him sooner. The death of his child, Bella Donna running out on him, then her own rape. Sometimes she wondered if her rape had been more of an impact on Remy's life than it had been in hers.
"Hey," she heard Remy's voice as he came out of the store at her back, "ready to go?"
Rogue stood up, "what'd you learn?"
Remy sighed, "barely enough to go by," he chewed his lip, "it's a rare French antique ring, worth a considerable amount of money."
Rogue looked at him, "so what does that tell you?" she began to walk with him slowly down the street.
Remy adjusted the sunglasses he was wearing to hide his mutant eyes from civilians walking by, "I'm not sure yet," he sighed, "it didn't really put any clarity on the situation…the guy in the store dated it, told me who made it, and yet…doesn't really ring any bells…"
Rogue tucked her slightly sweat tinged hair behind her ear, "are you sure you've seen it before?"
"Yes, I know I have," Remy said, "I can see it in my head clearly, I just can't remember where…" he gave a frustrated expression, "Why can't I remember?!" he asked angrily.
Rogue touched his arm, "You will, when you're not thinking so hard about it."
Remy nodded, "yeah, you're probably right, its like the logic of when you lose something, don't look for it and that's when you'll find it."
Rogue smirked a little, yeah," she said, then drew a breath, trying to breathe out her nausea again, feeling it coming over her.
"Feeling any better?"
"Not really," Rogue sighed, "I just want to go home, have a shower, brush my teeth three hundred times and go to bed."
"Poor girl, I feel bad, I shouldn't have brought you out today," Remy put his arm around her tenderly and walked with her.
Rogue smiled a little, "Well, I guess even though I feel terrible, it's good to be off of that island – and spending the day with you," she admitted.
Remy and Rogue walked for some moments, silent, "Chere?"
"Yes?"
"Did you really mean it when you said you felt our relationship wasn't that serious?" he asked, he was looking down at his feet rather than at her, as if he were avoiding her gaze altogether.
Rogue looked down, "Sorry…yeah, I did…but, I'm just a bit blue or something, it was a horrible thing to say…of course we're serious, even if it doesn't feel that way."
Remy looked at her, "It kinda hurts that you think that though, you know," He admitted softly, she could hear the emotion building up in his voice, his accent seemed to become much thicker whenever he talked about things that affected him emotionally. It was almost endearing.
"Remy, believe me the last think on earth I want to do is hurt you," Rogue stopped him.
Remy kicked an old soda can that had been rolling across the pavement in the wind, "I know," he watched the can sail off as he kicked it, "Am I not being romantic enough or something? Because if I'm not I can try harder…"
"No, its not you, its me. I'm limited, and you know that…" Rogue reminded. Again, for what seemed like the millionth time since she'd been reunited with him, she realised she should have told him that Jared had told her he loved her. But she knew if she did, it would pose the question of how she felt about Jared. She was pretty sure she didn't love Jared, but…she wasn't sure how she'd respond if Remy asked her if she did. The dream seemed to indicate she felt more than she'd realised.
"Yes, I knew that when I told you how I felt," He reminded, bringing her out of her guilty thoughts of Jared, "and it doesn't bother me…"
"Bothers me though," Rogue shrugged, she began walking again.
"What would it take to make it a serious relationship, Marie?" Remy looked at her.
Rogue sighed, she'd had this conversation with him the previous morning, she wondered why he was asking this again, he knew what it would take.
With bated breath, Remy closed his eyes for a moment, trying to focus on saying the things he wanted to say without sounding too upset, "whatever it is, I'll do it if…that's what it takes…" he looked away.
Rogue stopped in her tracks, "are you serious?"
She realised exactly what he meant. He meant that even if he had to keep her interested in favours, sexually or otherwise, he'd do it. It seemed so hard to believe he loved her so much he'd do anything, but there he was, admitting it.
Remy chewed the inside of his cheek, his eyes not meeting hers, "yes."
Rogue felt somehow touched, she could see it wasn't what he wanted, the look of almost shame on his face. At that moment, she envisioned a dog seeking attention from its master by performing tricks, going out of its way to be good just for appraisal. A sinking in her stomach left her feeling that Remy was that dog. And if she took him up on that, it would be no better than master and pet. She felt suddenly shamed as he looked.
Rogue walked over and wrapped her arms around him, "If you're not ready, we don't have to," she rested her cheek on his chest.
"I don't want to lose you," Remy sighed, "I can't help but feel that I'm going to soon."
Rogue tilted her head, looking up at him, "Why do you get that feelin'?"
"I don't know," Remy shrugged, "Just been feeling something ain't quite right, its like…you're not completely into me as you were, it doesn't feel the same between us," he shrugged.
Rogue looked at him, "Sure I'm still completely into you – more than I've ever been."
Remy shook his head, "I see it in your face, something isn't right," he moved away from her, he put his hand on a nearby lamp post as if to steady himself, he looked away, "I see it, there's something going on in your head…"
Rogue felt as if he'd trapped her, and she'd be forced to tell him her secrets at any moment, and yet, she held that secret close to her chest, "nothing is going on in my head."
Her thoughts screamed at her. Tell him! Tell him! And she didn't, she kept trying to suppress her thoughts, and pretend like everything was fine, even though she knew inside that it wasn't, and wouldn't be until the truth was out.
Remy drew his breath, "you used to look at me, this look that was totally readable, like I could just see it there, on your face, in your eyes, that you loved me," he turned and looked at her, "now…I'm reading something else…and it isn't love," he sighed.
Rogue placed her gloved hands on his face, "Remy, mon chere," she smiled, "trust me, I'm not goin' anywhere, you're never losin' me," She stroked his cheeks with her thumbs, "ever."
He smiled finally, and they began to walk again.
"So…seventeen tomorrow," Remy stated, looking at her.
"Yeah…I know," Rogue put her hands in the pockets of her black suede jacket, "a year gone already, where did that time go?"
"We spent most of it fighting," Remy rested his arm around her shoulders, "finally the fights have more or less, stopped," he reminded.
"What are you talking about?" Rogue raised an eyebrow, "we fought yesterday."
"Not a big fight though," Remy pointed out, "I'm hopin' finally this time we've settled down for permanent, and not gonna break up again," he looked at her.
"We just established that," she nudged him. "Still, I can't believe its been a year already, seems like only yesterday you took me out for my sixteenth birthday."
Remy sighed, "its been a tough year for you," he admitted.
"For both of us," she leaned into him.
"So…what do you want for your birthday?" Remy asked.
"I don't need anything," Rogue admitted, she walked beside him.
"Do you want to go home for your birthday?" he asked, "Because if you do…you can, you don't have to stay in Scotland just because I'm here."
Rogue looked at him, "Remy…home is just a place to warm your bones…" she shrugged, "it's just walls and a roof," she shrugged, "Nothing more."
Remy looked at her, "don't you want to be with your friends?"
"I'm with you," Rogue said, "And even if I can't be with my friends on my birthday, I can be with them when I get back…"
"Last year you were so bummed you couldn't spend your birthday with your friends."
"Well…this years different, I have you now, I didn't have you last year," Rogue pointed out.
"You have ALWAYS had me," Remy smirked, "even when you didn't realise it."
Rogue glanced at her watch, "we have to catch the ferry."
"Yeah, lets go."