Title: Queen Snape
Author name: Sky
Author email: schuywriter@livejournal.com
Category: Humor
Keywords: snape lockhart harry draco humor
Rating: PG
Spoilers: SS/PS, CoS, Zoolander, Legally Blonde
Summary: Severus Snape challenges self-absorbed Gilderoy Lockhart to a walk-off after Harry and Draco's duel. RuPaul makes a cameo as the judge. Snape vogues.
DISCLAIMER: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended. I use references to a scene in Legally Blonde, Zoolander, and a line from an Evita (the Broadway Musical) song called "Rainbow High". There are no spoilers for these shows/films exactly, I simply use the references as illustration, so if you haven't seen the films, you might miss a bit of the humor, but it should not detract from the fic completely if you haven't.
Author notes: This fic was inspired by a combination of the "walkoff" from the film, Zoolander and a couple of wonderfully funny icons I saw in someone's LiveJournal. Thanks to the unknown LJ-ers who created the three different versions of the "Queen Snape" animated icon. You are my inspiration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Queen Snape

Severus Snape watched on the sidelines as his prize pupil, Draco Malfoy, knocked the wind out of Harry Potter with a swiftly cast spell. The corners of his mouth upturned in a half sneer half smile as Draco glanced at him for approval. Potter then hit Draco with a spell that knocked him flat on his arse in front of everyone and Snape's face reddened with angry embarrassment. He pulled Draco off the platform and jumped upon it to face his nemesis - Gilderoy Lockhart. That poncey git! Snape thought. As he slowly walked down the platform to where Lockhart stood staunchly clutching his wand, Snape could almost hear music in his head. It was a far off song; it could have been somewhere in the rafters or it could have been his own mind playing tricks on him. He shook his head, enjoying the way his long black hair whipped around and touched his cheek. The music remained, grew louder. Snape could almost see a mass of tiny flicking lights before his eyes, coating the dueling room and spinning off around the sides of the room. He looked up and found nothing but enchanted ceiling reflecting the stormy clouds outside.

He approached Lockhart and drew his wand.

"Well, Professor Snape," said Lockhart with a twinkle in his eye. "It seems Draco should practice just a bit more on his spells!" He laughed, a hollow laugh so obviously meant to be charming. Audible sighs came from the Gryffindor side of the walkway as Hermione and the other girls admired their Adonis.

Anger welled up inside Snape. "Gilderoy Lockhart," he began. "You know full well it was Potter who cast his spell out of turn, thereby causing harm to my pupil."

"It was in self defense, Severus. Draco cast his spell before I'd counted to three."

"Then it is your word against mine," said Snape, an idea brewing in his crowded mind.

"And the word of the Gryffindors against the Slytherins, I should say, " laughed Lockhart nonchalantly.

The students were quietly watching the two Professors square off. Harry and Hermione stood close together, while Ron leaned over the side of the platform. Fred and George stood behind them, shaking their heads.

"We shall have to fix that, my good man," said Snape. His head felt woozy as he stood on the raised stage. Everyone's eyes were upon him, just as he liked it. The music blared in his head, a woman -- no a man? -- singing to a dance beat. "I challenge you to --"

"A duel?" finished Lockhart, a gleam of fear in his eye.

"No," said Snape. He turned and felt the familiar swish of his hair again, and it gave him courage. He stopped, turned on a dime and put his hand on his hip. "A walkoff."

The enchanted ceiling was recast and decorated with mirrors. A disco ball was conjured and music began to play; the thumping beat matching Snape's heart as he sat at his end of the walkway. Draco Malfoy stood behind him, massaging his shoulders.

"Don't touch the taffeta!" he barked at Draco, pushing his hands away. "It wrinkles so easily!"

The Slytherins gathered close to their Head of House as on the opposite side the Gryffindors tried to prep Lockhart for the showdown. He was a visible mess and Snape enjoyed watching the panic dance across his opponent's face.

"Professor, you need a touch up," said Draco and pulled Pansy Parkinson over. She was ready with a make-up case and began applying dabs of powder to Snape's skin.

"My shoes!" he ordered, and two Slytherins knocks heads as they bent down simultaneously to polish Snape's high-heeled boots.

"You can do it, Professor," cheered Draco, his eyes shining with delight.

"And don't you forget it," said Snape as he stood up, ready to take the catwalk. There was a skip in his step, a new life to his hips. He swished and swayed as he walked, and his hands moved more gracefully than ever before. He'd show that stupid fool who was the more beautiful, fashionable Professor. Witch Weekly's opinion be damned.

Snape stood on his end of the runway and shouted, "Who will be our judge?"

Lockhart tried to stand but his knees gave out, so Harry jumped onto the catwalk. "We need a neutral third party," he said. Jumping down, he conferred with Hermione and Ron, who sent word back to the Slytherin side. Once a decision had been reached, the judge was summoned.

There, in the middle of the dueling room aka the Catwalk, in a chair encrusted with rubies, sat RuPaul.

"Hey darlings, so good to be here!" RuPaul waved at the audience. "May I have the contestants come to the center of the catwalk, please?"

Snape and Lockhart approached each other slowly, Snape using his most menacing walk and Lockhart willing himself not to throw up all over his gold lame outfit. They stopped and faced RuPaul.

"Hmm, interesting specimens here," she said as she eyed the two men. "Now, no funny business, and no wands -- I mean magic. Of course you can keep your wands," she laughed. "Crank up the volume, girls!" she shouted and Dean ran to push the boom box up to eleven.

Music flooded the room and Harry could feel the vibrations right through his shoes.

"OK, now bow to each other," RuPaul instructed. The professors dipped toward each other slightly, then turned to part. "Just remember," said RuPaul, stopping the men in their tracks. Each professor looked at her expectantly. "You Better WORK!"

RuPaul's words gave Snape the boost he needed and he sashayed down toward his starting point as Lockhart jumped down to have Hermione and Angelina comb his hair. He looked like he was hyperventilating.

Severus flipped his hair one more time for good measure, enjoying the feel of leather tight around his calves, the curve of his heel, and the way his silk boxers caressed his arse. He was in excellent form. To the sound of RuPaul's own Covergirl, Snape moved down the catwalk in a tight march. He walked purposefully to the center of the stage, and then began to dance. He moved his hips in time to the music, whipped around in a circle and posed. His hands elegantly framed his face as he kissed at Lockhart who watched in awes from his seat. Beads of sweat were visible on his brow and Severus smiled and winked at him. He jumped down into a squat position, opening his legs to show off his leather-covered crotch. He pulled himself up again to stand, then turned and put his hand on his thrust out hip once more. He surveyed the students watching him intently with their mouths hanging open.

Running his fingers through his hair, he let his hand caress his neck, then traced down to his throat, where his coat was clasped. He slowly unbuttoned the coat and pulled it down over one shoulder. He moved his head and put his hand on one bent knee in a pose he'd seen Madonna perform once. His arse thrust out, he slowly rotated his hips and pulled his pelvis in, then thrust out his arse again in one sensuous, fluid motion.

Snape stood straight, did another 360 turn and put his hands up near his chest, bent just so in a "bend and pop" fashion. He then performed the bend and pop, remembered how it was done in Legally Blonde. He let the coat fall from his shoulders and caught the collar of it just as it hit the floor. With a final turn, Snape walked steadily back to his side, letting his black coat drag behind him and enjoying the multitudes of eyes he knew were glued to his swishing arse. He was good. Oh yes, he was good.

Lockhart nearly choked on his own tongue as he watched Severus take the stage. He was shaking violently, suddenly completely insecure of his own fabulousness.

"Come on, Professor," urged Susan Bones. "You can do it!"

"Yes, Professor, show Snape he's not the Queen of his school!" Hermione chimed in.

The boys rolled their eyes in disgust. Ron had his face in his hands and appeared to be either laughing or crying as Harry patted him on the back, shaking his head. "I know, man," he comforted Ron. "I know." The twins had turned away, unable to watch any longer. The rest of the Gryffindors stood rooted to the spot, unsure of whether to cheer for Lockhart or ask Madame Pomfrey for a memory charm so they could erase this scene from their minds forever.

"I can't - I c-c-can't do it!" cried Lockhart, blubbering uncontrollably.

"Do you forfeit?" a voice came from the Slytherin side.

"NO!" Susan and Hermione shouted together.

"Come on, Lockhart, it's your turn honey," RuPaul said. "Though it's gonna be damn hard to beat that performance, whoo hoo honeychild!"

"You're supposed to be neutral!" shouted Hermione disgustedly.

RuPaul shrugged. "If your man doesn't get his fancy ass up here on this catwalk, he's gonna to lose anyway."

"Come on, Professor," Hermione said, exasperated.

"Your hair looks beautiful, " said Susan. "And your smile is as white and charming as ever. Now go get 'em!"

Their compliments gave Lockhart a tiny ounce of security in his ability to wow a crowd. "Really?"

"Yes!"

"Professor your - your hair is a beautiful glinting gold on a summer's day," said Hermione, gesturing to Susan to go along with her tactic.

"And your style is unmatched...no one would dare wear gold lame, but you can pull it off!" Susan pulled a face at Hermione behind Lockhart's back.

"I do carry lame very well, it's my bone structure you see, I'm very well formed, my arse is tight and--"

"As much as I'm sure we'd all love to hear about your arse, Professor," said Harry, butting in. "RuPaul is about to disqualify you so you'd better get walking." He hitched his thumb at Gilderoy, then went back to consoling Ron, who was wiping his nose on his scarf.

"You're right! Don't cry for me, Hogwarts! I want to be rainbow high!" Lockhart had always been a big Evita fan. He climbed up onto the platform ready to do his worst. And do it he did. Immediately upon taking his first step, he tripped and fell flat on his face, effectively crushing his nose. Suddenly he was looking more like Owen Wilson.

The girls rushed up onto the catwalk to tend to their broken leader.

Harry grabbed his wand and joined them, helping them turn over the unconscious Lockhart to survey the damage.

"Ew," said Susan, averting her eyes from the bloodied mess that Gilderoy had called a face.

"Don't worry, I can fix this!"

"Harry, don't!" Hermione cried, but it was too late. Harry pointed his wand at Lockhart's face and cast the same spell Lockhart had once used on Harry's arm. All at once, Lockhart's nose deflated, and everyone around him jumped back.

"That's only supposed to work for bones," said Hermione. "A nose is not a bone."

"Luckily it worked anyway!" said Harry, smiling. "And it's not broken anymore, that's what matters." With that, he jumped down from the podium and escorted Ron out.

RuPaul stepped up onto the catwalk. "I think the winner here is clear. I crown the new Queen of Hogwarts - Queen Severus Snape!"

Severus pranced down the walkway to receive his crown, flowers and sash as the Slytherins applauded wildly. The Macarena suddenly began to play, and Snape felt his hips moving again in that old familiar way. Throwing his bouquet to Draco, who caught it and blushed crimson, Snape began to dance. He'd never felt more alive in his life. It was good to be the Queen.