The Weakest Link with Final Fantasy!
Intro: Welcome to the Weakest Link!
*bum, bum, bum, bum*
Anne: I am your host, the bitchy Anne! How ya doing everyone? I took my Midol today, yeah!!! …shut up! Today, we have 5 new contestants (It does a side swipe screening)
Quistis: I'm Quistis Trepe and I'm a SeeD member of Balomb garden.
Yuffie: I'm Yuffie Kisaragi from Wutai and I work part-time at Turtle's Paradise!
Setzer: I'm Setzer and I am a gambling pilot.
Anne: You look like you just came from a KISS concert!
Cecil: I'm Cecil and I… don't know where I'm from…
Rikku: I'm Rikku. I'm bilinguist, I'm Al Bhed and I love me!
Anne: Ain't that nice, well, I'm the most intelligent woman here, but you can try for the
money. We shall start with Quistis with 3 seconds on the timer, ready?
Everyone: ?!
Anne: What was the name of the bastard~
*bum bum bum bum*
Damn, you ran out of time. You are a slug-a-bitch!
Quistis: So?… That's not fair!
Anne: The answer is Bastard Stitch! Time to vote off the Weakest Link!
(They vote)
Quistis: Anne!
Yuffie: Quistis.
Quistis: *GASP*
Setzer: Quistis.
Quistis: Well, I declair!
Cecil: See? I can spell my name! (Cecil stupidly votes for himself)
Rikku: Cecil! He won't stop looking at me!
Anne: Well now, since Cecil voted for himself, he IS the Weakest Link! Goodbye!
(Goes to weird screen (A.K.A "Insult Screen"))
Cecil: Well at least I can follow Rikku home… did I just say that out loud?
Anne: Well, Round 2, and since we have neither a weakest or strongest link, we'll go with go with Yuffie with one second on the clock! Ready? What was the…
*bum bum bum bum*
You ran out of time! You banked a miserable nothing! You are a dipsh**!!!!!!!!!
Yuffie (ready to cry): NO I'M NO~T!
Anne: The answer was Stuart Little! Time to vote off the Weakest Link!
(Everyone looks at Setzer)
Setzer: Uh oh…
Anne: STOP VOTING!
Quistis: Setzer.
Yuffie: Setzy!!
Setzer: I change my vote!
Anne: Can't do that!
Setzer: I want to vote for Yuffie now… but Rikku!
Rikku: Setzer!
Anne: Setzer, remind us of what it is you do.
Setzer: I gamble, I fly ships, I throw darts, and I love the Opera!
Anne: Whoever said that only intellectual people watch the opera never met you! You ARE the Weakest Link, GOODBYE!
Setzer: BITCH!!!
(Audience and Participants gasp)
Anne: Did you just call me… a bitch?
Setzer: Yes.
Anne: You just made a powerful enemy today…
Setzer: Uh-oh… (walks off slowly)
(At insult screen)
Setzer:… I need some more gambling money. And also a bodyguard now.
Anne: Okay. We shall all go to a commercial break and then play Round 3 of the Weakest Link with these, ugh, people.
*Commercial Break*
Announcer: Tired of wetting the bed?
6 yr. old : Umm, I'd be scared of going to a friend's house to spend the night for I might wet the bed, I'd do it every night in mine, my mom yells at me for how much time and money she wastes on the wash and so she bought yellow sheets… that, umm only, helped for a, while… cause the house smelled…
Announcer: How about trying new and improved GoodNites for all you babies who wet the bed!
6 yr. Old: After trying the, umm, GoodNites, I don't wet the bed anymore! Instead, I go to school smelling like a sack of sh**!
Announcer: No more worrying about your friends beating you up for pissing your pants and staining your bed, now worry about those mother fu***ing flies!
(New commercial)
Announcer: It's the must see show for the winter… "Elmo And His Posse of Flying Cows"! This time Elmo puts on his head band and puffs out his boxers to help the Flying Cows rebel against the evil Martha Stewart!
Elmo: Okay, all my hommies and behotches! Let's do dis tang!
Bessy: Wouldn't you like an udderly a-moo-sing lap dance!
Elmo: Allright bitch! Get on my lap now!
Bullion: Hew dawg!
Elmo: Don't call me a dog! Call me a gangsta!
Bullion: Okay, gangsta! Martha is beginning her shoot on leather bean bags now!
Elmo: Okay, let's get that Martha Focker!
Martha: Do you cows think you stand a chance against the power of my publicity?!
Elmo: With me they do you mother fu**ing bitch. Now drop those Nike's off your ass before I shoot you into little pieces that they're ain't gonna be any mo' sh** left of ya to these cows to masticate with.
Martha: Fine! Fear the power of my mutant vegetables, hah ha-ha-ha!
Announcer: "Elmo and his Posse of Flying Cows" rated "R" for retarded.
(End of commercial)
Anne: Welcome back to The Weakest Link. This time we will have 2 minutes on the clock starting with Rikku.
Rikku: Yeah!
Anne: SHUT UP!! YOU DIDN'T GET IT RIGHT!!
Rikku: *whimper*
Anne: What were the names of "The Three Stooges"?
Rikku: Larry, Moe, and Curly!
Anne: No, Chris Tucker, Carrot Top, and Mills Lane.
Rikku: Huh?!?
Anne: Quistis, what is the state of Ozzie Osborne?
Quistis: Insane.
Anne: Correct. Yuffie, how many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Yuffie: None. Why would you do it in the dark?
Anne: Correct. Rikku, who is the hot young man who makes me sweaty in my panties and Celes stole him from me?
Rikku: Locke Cole!
Anne: Correct! Quistis, where does the intelligence come from in this room?
Quistis: That's really a question?
Anne: Yes it is, blonde! Now get it right, or I will shock you with a cattle prod and laugh at you for being a dipsh**!
Quistis: You, ya egotistical, menopausal bitch!
Anne: Correct… except for the menopausal part. Yuffie…
Yuffie: BANK!
Anne: Who wrote How to Keep Your Knight in Bed?
Yuffie: Dr. Ruth!
Anne: No, the correct answer is Dr. Phil!
Yuffie: I knew he was gay!
Anne: Rikku…
Rikku: BANK!
Anne: There's no money to bank, dipsh**! Now who said, "Life is like a box of laxatives, you never know what'chya gonna sh**!"?
Rikku: You, ya bitch!
Anne: Well, we can se that there's no intelligence in those stands! Now only one of you hasn't called me a bitch
Yuffie: bitch
* dun, dun, dun, dun*
Anne: The correct answer was my mother when she was at a tea party with Queen Elizabeth. Now you have $2,000 banked, that's $2000 more than I thought you'd get! Now I know that you all think I'm a bitch, well remember Setzer? The first of you to call me a bitch. Well I'm going to let you see what shall happen to him!
(goes to a screen with a big freaky bald guy)
Steve: Hey! Remember me? I'm Steve, the security guard on Jerry Springer!…well not anymore… now I'm going to find Setzer!
(he walks with the camera man until they find Setzer)
Steve: Excuse me, did you call our Anne a bitch?
Setzer: Maybe
Steve: I'm sorry but I've got to punish you!
(he ties him up and takes him to a basement of a building)
Steve: Ready for your punishment?
Setzer: what for?
Steve: For calling Anne a bitch and if you take it back I may let you go!
Setzer: NEVER!!!
(Steve strips him down to his boxers (with moogles and chocobos on it) and calls more big bald gay gays (A.K.A. BBGG) to tickle him with feather's)
Steve: Do you take it back now?!
Setzer: No punishment in the world would make me take it back!
Steve: Alright! Bring out the C-32!!
BBGG: Oh no! Not that!!
Steve: Do it or no 'extra' security work!
(they open a crate in the room)
Stezer: What could be in there?
(the creature came out and now back at the studio)
Quistis: Oh my God!!
Yuffie & Rikku: WAAAH!!!
Anne: Hmm, hmm, hmm!!
Quistis: That's TOO much!!
Setzer: Holy crap!
Yuffie: Not Miss Cleo!!!!
(yes it's miss Cleo)
Miss Cleo: How ya' doin' darlin'!
Setzer: God! Please kill me!
Miss Cleo: Did'ja want me to thrill ya?
Setzer: That's NOT what I said!!
Miss Cleo: Let-a-me put on-a-my Berry Manaloe record and I will-a- show ya a card-a!
Rikku: Berry Manaloe?… OMG!!
Miss Cleo: Look at this card-a! It's 'the lover' card-a! Now let's get some sugar and honey on-ya and take that make up off'ya!
Setzer: NO~O!!
Miss Cleo: Oh! Too much excitement! Oh, I can't catch-a my brea~ (she passes out and dies)
Steve: Okay, remove that carcass, now! It's giving me evil thoughts.
Setzer: Whoo!
Steve: Now for the Ultimate punishment!
Setzer: Bring it on Faggot!
Steve: Bring out the 3 T.V.s!
(the BBGG's carry Miss Cleo out and brought 3 T.Vs and plugged them in)
Steve: You shall now watch a 24-hour blues clues marathon, Sesame street marathon, and Dora the explorer marathon! Oh you should thank me for you can choose what to watch when to watch!
Setzer: NOOOOO!!
(Anne turns off the screen)
Anne: I hope we have an understanding here.
Rikku: What makes you tink you could torture all of us?
Anne: The Mafia's on my side.
Quistis: *whisper* shut up Rikku, shut up!
Anne: Alright let's vote off The Weakest link!
(they vote)
Anne: Stop voting, Dammit!!
Quistis: Rikku.
Yuffie: Rikku.
Audience: Ooh!
Rikku: *ready to cry* Shut up! *sniff, sniff* Q-Qui~stis!
Anne: Remind us of what it is you do and something new.
Rikku: I used to be a guardian for a summoner, now I work on repairing machina and I love me!
Anne: Yes, well at least 'YOU' love yourself for noone else will!
Rikku: Bi~…Beens fun playing ya, I mean playing with ya!
(Rikku leaves to go sit in the audience seats with no insult screen)
Anne: Now let's go through the 3 special questions, Quistis, you decide who goes first.
Quistis: I'll go second
Anne: Yuffie, How much would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Yuffie: A woodchuck would chuck as much as he could chuck if a would chuck could chuck wood
Anne: Correct, Quistis? Who is Pepper?
Quistis: A spice?
Anne: Wrong, it's the author's demonic hamster, remember I said who. Yuffie who is Hayden?
Yuffie: The author's other demonic hamster?
Anne: No, the authors sister's dead hamster.
Yuffie: Crap!!
Anne: Shut-up, Quistis, who was the man with the golden K-57 soviet rifle who was watching Golden Girls and was drunk at the time of Yugi Motto's death? (Refer to my other fanfic "Yugi-oh the Wild things of life)
Quistis: His Grandpa, Grandpa Motto!
Anne: Correct! Yuffie what's the thing that RuPaul Ellen DeGenerous, Jay Leno and Bill Clinton have in common?
Yuffie: They all have been on T.V way more than anyone cares!
Anne: Incorrect, the answer is they have all slept with my Aunt…or was it my uncle? I just don't know! Quistis! Get this right and you win $2,000!
Quistis: How much is that in Gil?
Anne: hmm, enough for you to buy yourself a face lift.
Quistis: *mumbling* I'd like to give YOU a face lift!
Anne: How much do you charge?
Quistis:!
Anne: Never mind my face is PER~FECT!! Now Quistis, did you and Squall ever have Bo-bo?
Quistis: NO!
Anne: That's correct!! Seeing as you can't have him and I already had him!…
Quistis: You are sick! TR~ASH TRAILOR!! Squall would never!
Anne: Do my taxes?
Quistis: …oh…
Anne: Yuffie, you ARE the weakest link, Good-bye!!
(At insult screen)
Yuffie: That question was SO easy!! Of course she's a virgin!
(Quistis at insult screen)
Quistis: YES!! I won $2,000 now I can complete my dream of becoming a musician!
Anne: Here's your check.
Quistis: Hey! There'e only $500 written on this check!
Anne: Well you see, there is such a thing as taxes and first a 25% winning tax, $150 playing tax.
Yuffie&Rikku: O-o…
Setzer: Help!!
Cecil: I didn't play…
Anne: And since the others can't pay, you will have to and a $100 "Calling Anne a Bitch" tax.
Quistis: But that's $650 not $500
Anne: Oh now there's a $300 tax for correcting me, here's your new check.
Quistis: $350!!!
Anne: umm, 'shouting in my ear tax $350
Quistis: Your country's rules are corrupt!
Anne: You know what? You've won a prize for you and all the other participants! You've won a one way trip to burn in HELL!!
Yuffie: Is there any materia there?
Anne: Quiet from the peanut gallery and…no
Rikku: We've GOT to kill her!
Yuffie: I shall not live in fear any longer!…summon…BAHAMU~T!!!
(Bahamut appears)
Bahamut: ROO~AR!!
Anne: Crap! You know, he's just a tad bit scalier than my last boyfriend
Yuffie:…sick…GO!!!!
Bahamut: ROAR!! *BLAST*
Anne: x_x
Steve: ¯ Now that Anne has been killed, It's time to watch Dr. Phil¯ … he's gay, right?
Setzer: Help… can I have my pants back? At least?
Yuffie: YAY!!
Rikku: WHOO-HOO!
Cecil: Rikku?
Rosa: Cecil!! What are you doing?!? Are you cheating on me?
Cecil: NO!
Rosa: I saw you cheating on we, so, take this! (Cecil get's an arrow in his head) You good for nothing SOB!
Producer: You have killed the wicked bitch.
Yuffie: I swear I didn't mean to kill her!
Camera Man: On behalf of her co-workers, I'd like to give you her cattle prod…
(Little dwarfs come out)
Midget: We're the munchkins!
Munchkins: ¯ Ding dong, the bitch is dead, the bitch is dead, the bitch is dead. Ding dong, the wicked bitch is DE~AD!¯
Rikku: Who cares if the Mafia comes after us. We'll take them all on!
Yuffie: Yeah!
Quistis: So does this mean we're friends?
Rikku and Yuffie: Duh.
(As they walk out the door, the do a Charlie's Angels pose)
THE END! Author note: If you didn't catch on the part was from the Wizard of Oz. I'm sorry to Dr. Phil who hopefully doesn't read this.